Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives
by Empress of Yaoi
Summary: Shikamaru has a secret, and it's distracting him from his duties as well as pushing him away from his friends. Kakashi decides to stick his nose in, but this time the copy ninja may have bitten off more than he can chew. His own secrets are at stake... Rated M for later chapters, WARNING: this fic contains yoai and strong language.
1. Shikamaru's Distracting Secret

AUTHOR´S NOTE: This story is set right before the Naruto Shippuden arc begins.

Now updated with a layout plan that'll actually make it _readable_ , lol. (I hope)  
I know I've been promising since I began this thing that as soon as my chapters came out right I would update all the previous ones, but… I didn't get the hang of it till chapter 35 or something, and suddenly it was such a HUGE chore… I just couldn't be bothered. But, it's kind of annoying to have this on my to-do list so as long as I can get myself to do it, I'll be fixing and re-uploading old chapters, also Beta'ing them again. Yay for diligent me!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 1: Shikamaru's Distracting Secret

XOXOX

"… Kakashi will be teamleader on this one. Now dismissed!"  
Shikamaru Nara followed his temporary squad out of the briefing room. He hadn't been paying attention earlier, so he only had a vague idea of the mission. Something about a dangerous fugitive…  
What a drag…

Just outside Hogage Tower Kakashi stopped. "I will see you at the East Gate in one hour."

Shino simply nodded and walked away. Sakura seemed inclined to say something, gingerly stretching out her hand towards Shikamaru's shoulder. Her hand stopped midway, though. And she, too, left without a word.

Shikamaru turned as well but Kakashi's voice stopped him, "Shikamaru," he sounded a little less like his easy-going self and a little more like the strict sensei that reared his head only once in a while, "I know you probably think this whole thing is just a big drag but try to focus a bit more on the mission, okay?" His eye crinkled. His hand did a little wave. And Kakashi Hatake was gone.

Shikamaru pushed his hands deep in his pockets and started home as well.  
What a drag…  
He instructed part of his brain to come up with a list of things to pack. There really was no way how long this mission was gonna take so he'd have to pack his bag carefully.  
At the same time another part of his brain reminded him of what he had actually _planned_ on doing for the next couple of weeks – hide.  
Just until this feeling faded away again; just until he could function again. 

Shikamaru had _planned_ on re-organizing Storage. It was a task that held little joy but the Hogake _had_ asked him to take care of it. Obviously hoping his structured mind could create some sort of order in the chaos of that dark basement. Shikamaru sighed again. Gloomy and unwelcoming though it may be, right now that basement had a lot more appeal to it than this mission. 

Still… Kakashi was right. He _was_ a Shinobi after all, and given he had been assigned a mission that had better be his focal point. Shikamaru had never fully recovered from the effects of his first mission as team leader. He never wanted to put his teammates at risk like that again. Something that would surely happen if he didn't start focusing _right now._ Shikamaru shook his head, trying to rid himself of all these unnecessary thoughts.

Coming to his house, he pulled out the key and quickly went to gather the things on the list he'd compiled. There was no-one home so he left a note on the table before making his way over to the East Gate.

He was running a little late but somehow couldn't muster up the will to hurry. Besides, Kakashi probably wouldn't show up for at least another thirty minutes…

But of course Shino an Sakura were both on time. So when he arrived ten minutes late he was subject to questioning looks from his former classmates. Shikamaru was always lazy, but never late.  
He shrugged and tried to look as unapproachable as possible. Hoping against hope that Kakashi would hurry up and get here already.

Simply standing around meant having to solve several complicated puzzles at once lest his mind would wander where it may not. And he was fresh out of ideas for complicated puzzles…

XOXOX

"So first we're headed to the village, over here," Kakashi said, pointing at the map. They'd stopped for lunch and were now discussing the best route to take. 

"Whichever path we take, it will still take us at least a week to get there," Shino sounded slightly irritated, "It would be much faster if we were to determine where Taito is headed instead of simply following his tracks." 

Apparently, Shino wanted this mission over with as well. For whatever reason, he seemed annoyed just to be out here. What a drag… 

"But we don't _know_ where he is headed, Shino," Sakura chimed in, "So our best bet is to visit the place he was last seen. Maybe we can find some clues there."

"We know that he stole two scrolls from the Land of Fire's army base. The information they contain is undoubtedly valuable, and time is of the essence. We simply need to determine who Taito is planning on selling the information to. Shikamaru is our strategist, he should be able to tell us where the man is going." 

Shikamaru started at the mention of his name. He hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation so he had to replay Shino's words in his head before he could answer, "There are quite some Lands that have big or small quarrels with the Land of Fire. Given the other great nations have all signed the treaty, along with several smaller Lands we probably could rule those out. But even so, that still leaves way too many options. There is no way to verify where exactly the man is headed. Taito himself came from the Land of Fire, so we can't even assume he's going back to his homeland."

Shikamaru would have thought it was obvious. If it'd been Naruto…. But Shino was pretty clever, why should he have to spell this stuff out for the guy? 

"Then it's decided," Kakashi's eye crinkled, indicating a smile underneath the mask, "We have a long way to go, so move out!"

XOXOX

It was their second night out. They'd crossed the border into a neighboring land in the late afternoon, the dense forest slowly giving way to large rocks, with mountains up ahead. Kakashi had decided to camp out in the last stretch of wood where they could easily gather fuel for their campfire. The ground here also made for a more comfortable mattress since the hard surface was covered in fallen leaves due to the season; mid-fall. There was little undergrowth so it was easy to make camp in one of the larger clearings.

Shikamaru and Shino gathered the firewood while Sakura was making the preparations for dinner. The forest was quiet and neither of the young men spoke as they completed their task. When they came back, Sakura had finished all the preparations and could quickly cook and serve the stew she'd made from the mushrooms and vegetables growing in the area. The food wasn't great, but tasty enough and Shikamaru tried his best to empty his plate, despite not feeling the least bit hungry. Sakura had tried her best, after all. 

After dinner they quickly washed their dishes in the small creek on the west-end of the clearing and made ready for bed. Since they had crossed the border it was decided they would stand watch, Kakashi took the first shift.

XOXO

Their little fire had all but died and Shikamaru could hear both his teammates breathing evenly, sound asleep.  
He envied them. The Nara was exhausted having slept at most an hour or three a night for weeks. And when he'd finally fall asleep there were these dreams… Shikamaru quickly moved his right hand up from under the covers, startled as he realized it had been moving further and further south. 

He lay very still for a minute or two, checking if anyone had noticed his unconscious action, but it would seem they had not.  
The young man let out a small sigh, he could probably forget about sleeping again tonight. 

He moved out of his sleeping bag without so much as a sound and put his shoes back on. Maybe a little walk would help clear his mind…

He noticed Kakashi almost immediately. The jounin had taken up a seat on one of the lower branches of an oak tree, it wasn't even half as big as most of the trees back home but it was still one of the largest trees around.  
Shikamaru nodded to the other man in passing, not wanting to break the silence. 

"Don't go too far, Shikamaru," It was barely more than a whisper but in the stillness of this night the words reached the chuunin's ears effortlessly. He nodded again but kept walking. He needed to be alone right now.

But the peace Shikamaru sought was not to be found amongst the trees. Nor in the clear water of the creek. Not even in the clouds above his head. The Nara smiled wryly.  
 _What a drag…!_

He'd just about given up on this night all together when a thought hit him.

XOXOX

"Kakashi," Shikamaru said softly, standing underneath the tree branch the jounin was sitting on, "Could I talk to you for a minute?" 

The older man smiled, eye crinkling above the mask, "Sure, come on up."

"So…What's keeping you awake tonight?" The silver-haired shinobi asked when Shikamaru had settled beside him. 

"Nothing much." 

"Hmmm…?" 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. The Nara struggling to organize his thoughts. 

"You know…" he said at last, "I- I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention…" 

He didn't look at Kakashi but at the clouds racing above his head. The wind had picked up, there was probably a storm coming. 

"I find it helps to talk about it if something is bothering me," The older man stated. 

It wasn't a direct invitation; Shikamaru was free to take the words anyway he wanted to. Knowing that seemed to take the pressure of a bit.  
He'd only come to Kakashi on a whim. Not sure if he even wanted to company… 

"I just can't sleep", He said curtly. 

"I noticed." 

The silence dragged on for several more minutes, Shikamaru looking up at the sky above and Kakashi's gaze lazily dwelling on the forest below. 

"I… Like someone," The chuunin was startled by his own voice. He hadn't meant to say it. Hadn't meant to reveal his secret to anyone. 

_Idiot!_ He chided himself; _Keep your personal shit to yourself! Kakashi doesn't care anyway- he's just being nice so you'll start focusing on the mission again!_

"Hmmm…?" There was no discernible emotion behind the copy ninja's voice, "And now you're trying to figure out if they're worth the trouble?"

Shikamaru's breath caught in his throat _Damnit!_

"Something like that… Goodnight." 

He quickly jumped down. _Idiot!_  
As he made his way back to his sleeping bag he was followed by Kakashi's sing-sang voice.

"Goodnight!"


	2. Disrobed and Desillusioned

AUTHORS NOTE: When I first started this fic, it was with the intention to create a ShikaXKashi, however it seems that Shikamaru's feelings will not allow me to do that. Lol, maybe they make better friends, anyway.

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 2: Disrobed and Disillusioned

XOXOX

It was day five of their mission. 

Shikamaru cursed under his breath as he wiped the dust out of his eyes. They had been traveling through this desolate area for three days now and the sand dust had crept up in every little nook and crevice.

It was about an hour before sunset when they came upon a village, build up the side of a mountain. There was a sign telling travelers that the village sported both a public bath and an inn so they decided to put those facilities to good use. 

The baths were located at the highest point of the village, about halfway up the mountain. The inn was build on a natural cliff midway between the ground and the baths, a little to the left of the village. They quickly made their way up streets carved out of the rock like stairs, wanting to make it to the inn before nightfall.

The inn turned out to be small, but tidy. There were no other guests so they each had a small room to themselves. After they'd dropped off their packs in their own rooms, and made arrangements with the owner for a small dinner when they got back, they all grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the baths together.

XOXOX

The three of them soaked in the hot bath in complete silence. On the other side of the wooden wall they could hear Sakura talking to another woman. Apparently they got along.

Kakashi hadn't spoken directly to him since that night in the forest. But then again… There hadn't been much to talk about, Shikamaru mused as he dropped himself even lower into the water.  
He sighed.  
The sudden flow of air caused the water to bubble right under his nose, making him sneeze. 

"It appears someone is thinking of you, Shikamaru," Shino stated evenly, breaking the silence between the three men for the first time since they'd entered the baths. He continued to announce he was getting out. His insects didn't like the hot water very much.

Shikamaru just nodded a good-bye and returned to his own thoughts, only to be dragged out of them again by Kakashi's stretched, "So…?" 

"What is it?" 

Shikamaru sat back up, looking at the older man with irritation in his eyes. But Kakashi didn't seem to notice. 

"So who do you hope is thinking about you?" 

The Nara blinked. "Why do you ask?" 

"Just curious, I guess. You don't have to tell me" Kakashi sounded playful. 

"How about you?" He retorted, smirking. 

Kakashi raised his eyebrows, "Why would you want to have _me_ thinking about you? Wasn't there someone you were pining over just a few days ago?" 

"I wasn't pining. I was thinking." 

Shikamaru started to grow bored with this conversation. If this was all Kakashi had to say then he might as well go back to saying nothing. 

"So somewhere in Konaha there is a girl walking around with a terrible cold?" 

"Probably is, it's the season." 

The copy ninja sighted heavily before moving over to sit closer to the young man. "You know… You could just tell me…" 

Shikamaru looked up at the man. The mask was gone- replaced by a washcloth and his left eye was firmly shut. There was a look of amused curiosity on his face. 

"I thought you just said I didn't have to tell you if I didn't want to?" 

"Yes, but that was before I realized you really weren't going to tell me," The silver-haired man leaned in closer, whispering; "And I want to know."

Shikamaru stiffened next to him, trying to ignore the blood that rushed through his body and the chill that ran down his spine. Had the man done it on purpose? Leaning in ever so slightly, so that the fabric of the washcloth tickled his shoulder and his breath could be felt on his ear? 

The Nara looked up to find the older man looking at him with amusement.  
Yes. He did it on purpose. 

Shikamaru wanted to get out of the bath, wanted to get away from Kakashi's prying. But right now he couldn't. Blood had rushed to his groin and he really didn't want Kakashi to see the effect he'd had on him. Such a drag… 

He opened his mouth, pleasantly surprised then his voice came out steady, "Why do you want to know so bad, anyway?"

One, grey eye crinkled, "Just do."

Oh man, what had he ever done to deserve having Kakashi's perverted curiosity directed at his person? What a drag. What an utter, utter drag. 

"Why don't you just tell me? Is it someone I know?" 

Shikamaru smirked, "Is there anyone you _don't_ know?" 

"Not that I can think of…" 

Riiight… Shikamaru adjusted his position, his situation was getting really uncomfortable. He bit down on his cheek, trying to think of a way out of this mess. 

"If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" 

"Maybe…" 

That wasn't good enough. If he stayed in this bath for much longer he'd be cooked. Glancing sideways, Shikamaru noticed that Kakashi didn't seem bothered by the heat at all. What a drag…

Suddenly, Kakashi moved, sitting up straight. 

"I know, let's play twenty-questions. If I guess right, you owe me the whole story. If I guess wrong, I'll leave you alone. How does that sound?" 

"Like it'll be a drag…" 

"Oh, come on Shikamaru!" He swatted playfully at the younger man's arm, "It'll be fun!" 

"Fine, have it your way…" 

Kakashi looked way too happy…

XOXOX

"So she's a shinobi… From Konaha… With brown hair… Only one question left… Hmmm…"

Shikamaru wished the older man would hurry up already. He'd never figure it out, anyway, and his own situation was still as uncomfortable as ever. No, it was even starting to get painful by this point. 

"Let's see… Is she a he?" 

Shikamaru froze. No way. No _freakin'_ way!  
He didn't!  
But he did…

"Ah… So it's Asuma, then." 

He did.


	3. The Man Himself

AUTHORS NOTE: Just a little fluffiness ;) Reminding you all why Shikamaru being in love wtih his sensei was such a big problem again.

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 3: The Man Himself

XOXOX

Asuma Sarutobi sneezed.

"Seems like someone is thinking about you," Kurenai said, as she snuggled up closer to him. 

"What, it's not you?" Asuma mimicked hurt, and sniffed loudly for good measure.

Kurenai looked back at him with a playfull look in her eyes, curtly replying, "Nope."


	4. The Comfort Of Not Being Alone

AUTHORS NOTE: And another chapter re-worked! Yay! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 4: The Comfort Of Not Being Alone

XOXOX

Shikamaru Nara was shell-shocked. 

_How the_ _ **hell**_ _did Kakashi ever figure it out? Was it obvious? Did Asuma realize? Did everybody? Did- no, calm down. Everybody didn't know; Kakashi had seemed genuinely interested in figuring out who was on the other side of his crush.  
_

The Nara took a breath and pretended nothing had happened. Pretended Kakashi hadn't been right on the mark. Pretended to be surprised.  
But before he could even open his mouth he realized that it was futile. The jounin had seen the distress creep across his face, had seen the blush that seemed to have started somewhere around his toes. He _knew._

"So… I guess you owe me the whole story, then." 

The younger man simply nodded. Defeated.  
Kakashi's eyes crinkled again. He was clearly having fun. 

"Now now, don't worry. I'll be nice. How about you come to my room after dinner? We'll talk then." 

Another nod. 

"Okay. Then I'll leave you alone to, eh, _collect your thoughts_ …" 

The jounin shot him a knowing look and left the bath. Leaving Shikamaru – _finally –_ alone.

XOXOX

Dinner had been good. Somewhere between Kakashi's departure at the bath house and arriving at the inn Shikamaru's mood had significantly improved. And he had finally made contact with his teammates again. Participating in their conversation, laughing with them. But as time passed, the shadow user grew quiet once again. 

' _Come to my room after dinner. We'll talk,' But talk about what? What's there left to talk about? 'The whole story,' What the hell did does even mean?_

"Shikamaru, what's wrong?" 

Sakura's voice sounded hesitant, but she looked at him with a steady look, concern in her eyes. Now he'd have to talk his way out of this one too, what a drag. 

"Nothing," He shrugged, hoping she'd let it go. 

"I do not believe such is the case. Why? Because you have been distracted since before this mission even began. Even if you seemingly returned to your normal self for a while, there is no getting around that fact." Shino shattered his thin hope.

Shikamaru sighted. He looked at his friends sitting across from him at the table, "It's not important. You don't need to worry."

Kakashi had already gone up to his room a while ago, reminding the Nara of their deal with a little nod as he'd left the room. But Shikamaru had stayed long after he'd finished his dinner, stalling for time. Oh well, he might as well just get it over with already. 

"Anyway, I'm off to bed. I'll see you in the morning, goodnight!" 

The others wished him a good night too, even though it was clear from their faces they weren't really ready to let this go yet.  
Shikamaru got up, shoved his hands in his pockets and carefully slouched himself in his usual laid-back way. He didn't want his teammates to worry anymore than they already did. So he forced himself to walk as nonchalantly as he possibly could. Even though his anxiety made it hard to even breathe. 

Despite his resolution to get it over and done with Shikamaru couldn't help but drag his heels and mutter curses under his breath all the way up the stairs. Kakashi's was the first door on the left, his the second. Maybe he could just silently walk by, pretend he'd forgotten? 

Alas, the chuunin had no such luck. 

When he stepped up on the landing, Kakashi's door slid open, revealing an almost completely covered up face with one visible, crinkled eye. 

"Ah, Shikamaru!" The copy ninja stated enthusiastically, "There you are. I've been waiting, come in!"  
Shikamaru sighed, this whole thing was such a drag…

Kakashi's room was only dimly lit. The bed was placed against the opposite wall, a little to the left, beneath the window. There was a door to a small balcony at the foot of the bed, across from where Shikamaru had just entered. There was also a dresser on his right with a bottle of sake and two cups on it. 

Kakashi followed the chuunin's gaze, "I told you I was going to be nice, didn't I? The sake is just there in case you want some. It can help loosen the tongue." 

It sort of looked as if he winked, though it was hard to tell with his hitai'ite covering his left eye.  
Shikamaru ignored him and walked over to the bed, dropping on the floor just in front of it. Kakashi closed the door and moved to sit across from him. Leaning his back against the wall. The room was so small their knees were all but touching.

For a little while, they just sat there. Shikamaru tried his best not to look at the silver-haired man in front of him. But as time went on, he started to feel uneasy under the older man's constant stare. And eventually he couldn't take it anymore. His head snapped up, a deep frown on his face. 

"Look, I don't know what you want from me, okay?" 

But the jounin didn't seem fazed by it at all. He remained calm, but sounded slightly surprised as he spoke, "Well, the whole story. What happened? Why did you fall you fall in love with him? What do you think about his assets?" He sounded serious enough, but there was something else there. Amusement? 

To Shikamaru, Kakashi had never come across as the type of man that would make fun of other people's troubles. But then again, he'd never seen the man in a situation quite like this before… 

"He's always there for me, he gets me, he's great company…" A little pause, Shikamaru took a deep breath before he continued, "And he's sexy as hell." He smirked, shrugged and let out a little sigh, "And that's all I have to say."

The young man looked away again, for all his bold words he still felt embarrassed. Even more so because Kakashi was staring at him intently. The jounin seemed to be studying his every move.

They heard footsteps on the stairs. Shino and Sakura were on their way to bed. Softly speaking to one another so as not to disturb anyone. Kakashi cocked his head to one side, obviously trying to listen in on their conversation, but still keeping the chuunin before him prisoner with his gaze.  
They listened as the two in the hallway wished each other good night.  
Heard two doors slide shut.  
Waited as the sounds of two people getting ready for bed faded.  
Then, all was quiet again.

Kakashi's eye crinkled, he leaned in towards the young Nara and whispered in a conspicuous tone,"So, do you often fall head over heels for other men?"

XOXOX

It was late. It was probably so late it was getting early…  
The two men had all but finished the bottle of sake and although Kakashi had drunk most of it Shikamaru was feeling pleasantly buzzed. 

"Genma? Seriously?" 

"Yep," Kakashi poured himself another drink, offering the bottle to the chuunin before setting in back on the floor, "I've always had a little thing for him, the guy's hot. And the way he moves that senbon around in that mouth of his… " He moaned softly, "I know what I'd like to replace that damned thing with if I ever got the chance!" 

The jounin wiggled his one visible eyebrow suggestively. Shikamaru felt his blush deepen once again.  
The silver-haired man had been talking like this for the better part of the night, even before they'd opened the sake. He'd been giving him his – as to be expected slightly perverted – thoughts on most of the male shinobi in the village. Part of Shikamaru realized the tactic behind all this, by talking about it openly Kakashi was slowly reducing the sense of shame the younger man had felt for most of his life. But it wouldn't all go away so easily.

Out of nowhere, a vast wave of loneliness crashed over the young Nara. Instinctively, he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his head on his knees.

"Shikamaru," Kakashi's voice suddenly held a soft tone that he'd never heard before. "It's okay." 

A warm hand was placed on his arm. Looking up, Shikamaru realized his vision had gone blurry. Kakashi gave his arm a comforting squeeze. 

"You can let it all out, it's all right."

Despite his best efforts, the young man just couldn't hold back anymore. Tears started streaming down his face as quiet sobs shook his whole body. He felt Kakashi move as the older man scooted up next to him, cradling the crying boy tight to his own chest.  
And after a while, everything went black…

XOXOX

Shikamaru awoke to a bright afternoon sun shining through thin curtains. He was laying in bed in his own room at the inn. The clothes he'd been wearing the night before lay neatly folded upon his dresser. He felt another blush creeping up… 

Kakashi must've undressed him and put him in bed. The chuunin gingerly lifted the sheets a few inches. After all, wasn't Kakashi a notorious pervert?  
But seeing his boxers were still on the young man felt slightly relieved. And even more embarrassed. 

_Of course Kakashi wouldn't do that!_ He chided himself, _There's no way! He's simply not that kind of guy, so relax already, will you?  
_

Shikamaru quickly dropped the sheets as he heard the door slide open. 

"Ah, good. You're awake," _Speak of the devil!_ "I'm really not sure how much longer I could've kept Sakura from barging in here." 

The older man closed the door behind him and gently sat down on the edge of the bed, "How are you feeling?" There was a concern in his voice that hadn't been there a minute ago. 

"Headache, thirsty. But I'll live." He managed to smirk at the older man.

"Want me to go get you some water?" 

He seemed genuine, but Shikamaru simply couldn't take that soft, concerned tone any longer. It made him feel weak. Like last night. 

"Nah, I got it," The young man moved to pull the sheets away when his hand stopped. "I uh…" 

He felt his cheeks burn for the umpteenth time, oh how he hated this! But the silver-haired jounin simply smiled. Getting up, he grabbed Shikamaru's clothes from the dresser and handed them over. He then proceeded to turn away, facing the wall. 

"I hope this is all right," He spoke softly, "Because I really wanted to talk to you before you see the others downstairs."

Shikamaru voiced an approval as he quickly pulled his pants up. 

"You see, Sakura and Shino have been very worried about you these past few days. And to be honest, I've stopped them from voicing their concern on several occasions, I believed you just needed some space to work things out on your own."

By now, Shikamaru had finished dressing and lightly tapped Kakashi on the shoulder to let him know he could turn back now. But the shadow user was wearing a deep frown. 

"Then what about yesterday?" Oh how he hated the fact that his throat was so dry his voice cracked. 

But Kakashi didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he just ignored it, "I got worried," The jounin said pointedly. 

He must've caught the quizzical look on the younger man's face as he elaborated, "Most guys don't look to be on the brink of tears when they say they like someone. And I don't think I've ever seen you sleep since we left the village." 

He paused for a moment, studying the Nara's face before he continued; "Shikamaru, I may be your superior and your team leader for this mission but aside from that I also consider you to be friend. It was obvious that something was tearing you up inside. So I decided I would give you three days to work it out, and if you weren't showing at least _some_ improvement by the end of day three I'd interfere myself." 

For a moment, Shikamaru just stood there, dumbfounded. Kakashi considered him to be a friend. He'd always known Kakashi Hatake considered everyone from the Leaf to be a comrade, but he couldn't quite remember the jounin ever using the word 'friend' before. However… 

"Then what you said last night… Was any of that true? Or were you just _interfering_?" 

He shouldn't have asked the question. He dreaded hearing the answer, wasn't even sure he wanted to know. Feared Kakashi would be angry with him.  
Shikamaru still felt so emotionally unstable. If the answer was _'yes'_ that would be bad. But maybe if Kakashi'd been honest last night it could spell trouble too. What if the sake had loosened his tongue too much? If he regretted saying those things? It was now absolutely clear that he, Shikamaru, remembered _at least_ part of it. _What a drag…!_

Kakashi just stood there, looking at him for what seemed like eternity. Hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall. Looking at him as if he was looking right _through_ him.  
After what seemed like forever the older man finally spoke, softly, as if Shikamaru's words had hurt him. 

"Shikamaru, I don't lie to my friends," Suddenly his whole demeanor changed: Leaning over playfully, eye crinkled he continued; "Well… not about the important stuff, anyway."

And again the jounin's entire attitude shifted, falling back against the wall, with one foot set against the wall behind him. His tone could not have been more serious this time as he added: "I'm gay, Shikamaru. Have been forever, will be forever. And I'll always be here for you if you need someone to talk to."

And with that, Kakashi pushed himself off the wall and started for the door, motioning for the younger man to follow him.


	5. Revelations

AUTHORS NOTE: A little warning for the prudish people out there (What are you doing reading _this?!_ ) Anyway, Shikamaru us getting in some 'me-time', so yeah….  
And as always, reviews are extremely appreciated! 3 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 5: Revelations

XOXOX

 _It's strange,_ Kakashi pondered, _I'd never expected to share so many of my personal thoughts with the kid. And I certainly never thought I would come out of this feeling relieved as well.  
_

A small smile crept across his lips as he looked over at his chuunin comrades. They were watching the clouds together. Well, not exactly, Shikamaru was watching the clouds, Sakura was watching both the clouds and the Nara boy and Shino didn't even pretend to look up as he simply kept an eye on the other two. _  
_

_That boy… The Abarame are lucky to have him. And Sakura, ah, we're all lucky to have Sakura.  
_ The jounin felt happy today. His little white lie about Shikamaru's condition had been easily accepted. They had all noticed that the boy hadn't seemed to get any sleep whatsoever, so when he said he'd given him a little nightcap last night and was reluctant to wake him up for an early start they'd all but cheered. 

Well, in a way he _did_ give Shikamaru a nightcap. But he'd given him so much more. Peace of mind. Confidentiality. A place where he could just be himself without worrying what others might think. And the kid had given all that right back at him, and more. Kakashi felt light as a feather today, not even the slightly painful talk they'd shared after the young Nara had finally woken up could change that fact. Although it had _really_ hurt to hear him ask whether Kakashi had been lying to him for almost an entire night. 

And keeping Sakura out of that room had been no small feat either.  
 _Well, she_ _ **is**_ _a medical ninja after all…And it's quite obvious I don't hold much credibility with that girl._ He chuckled. _Of course, she does have a point...  
_

For a while, Kakashi let his mind wander, watching the three chuunin. Until he remembered something.  
 _So… Asuma, huh? I should've seen that one coming a mile away. Poor kid. He's going to get his heart broken into a million tiny little pieces if he ever tells him. Even if we leave Kurenai out of the picture, that guy is about as homophobic as they come. I wonder if Shikamaru realizes the entirety of what he's gotten himself into?  
Well, at least the kid's got good taste, can't fault him for that…_ Kakashi's let his mind's eye wander over the excellent physique and strong features of his fellow jounin. _I would_ _ **so**_ _hit that… Wait, what? No. No!_ _ **No!**_ _Didn't I decide long ago to stop thinking these stupid things? It. Is._ _ **Never.**_ _Going. To. Happen. Just be glad Asuma hasn't smelled you out yet. Damnit, I would be in for a world of hurt if_ _ **he**_ _ever finds out… Shikamaru… No, he wouldn't, would he? Nah, even_ _ **if**_ _he's still a kid, he's a smart one. There's no way he'd ever rat me out. I hope… Of course, Asuma is his sensei, his best friend_ _ **and**_ _the guy he has a serious crush on…  
Whatever, I need to get my mind of of these things. _

If any of his teammates would have thought to look at Kakashi now, they would have seen a familiar sight. The orange cover of a book hiding the face of the man who hid his entire existence within those pages.

Shikamaru looked up at the clouds. He liked the way they were never the same but always constant at the same time. He could feel the eyes of his teammates on him, but didn't really care. It was so strange, but talking with Kakashi – or rather, listening to Kakashi's vulgar and oddly compelling ideas of their colleagues – had really calmed him down. He wasn't alone anymore. It was a comforting thought. _"I'll always be here for you if you need someone to talk to"_ it was truly amazing how much power that one sentence held. _Always._ Just like the clouds.

XOXOX

The next morning would see four ninja from the Village Hidden in the Leafs off on an early start. They needed to make up for the extra day they'd given the sleep-deprived Shikamaru to recover.  
So the plan was to leave at sunrise. 

_The plan…_ Sakura Haruno had been ready to go almost three hours ago. But so far, the only one who'd showed up was Shino.  
 _Of course Kakashi-sensei is late again… But Shikamaru isn't here, either. Maybe it was a mistake to only give him one day off… No wait, he's slept through most of the day, and went to bed early. And he certainly was fast asleep when I checked on him before I went to bed. Why did I let Kakashi-sensei talk me into this again? With all my training,_ _ **I**_ _should've been the one to help him sleep.  
Although it clearly wasn't mere fatigue, I wonder if they talked at all? Maybe I should talk to Shikamaru anyway. I'm his friend, right? But…What if it wasn't something I can help him with? Something I don't want to know about? I mean, these days Kiba is always chasing after girls and Lee and Neji aren't much better. Actually, the only one who I haven't seen putting the moves on girls are Shino and Shikamaru._

Sakura couldn't help but chuckle, trying to imagine Shino trying to talk some girl up. _Some girl… It's always 'some girl'. Am I really_ _ **that**_ _unattractive? I wonder if Sasuke is out chasing girls these days, too. Would_ _ **he**_ _like me if he was still in the village? And Naruto, I wonder what he's doing right now… What am I going on about? He's with master Jiraiya, of course he's chasing girls… I really_ _ **should**_ _go check on Shikamaru, though, who knows what Kakashi-sensei gave him this time.  
_

The girl had finally made up her mind. And when Sakura Haruno made up her mind, there was no changing it.

XOXOX

"Hnng, Asuma…!" 

_These walls really_ _ **are**_ _paper-thin...  
_ Kakashi smiled to himself as the sounds next to him left no doubt as to what his young friend was up to. It was completely impossible to ignore the ruckus coming from the other room, but he didn't really mind. Sakura and Shino had left the inn already, if he looked out the window he would see them standing and the gate. The only other person around was the nice old lady that ran the inn. 

_She probably won't mind too much. They're still teenagers after all…_ The copy ninja winced as he heard the bed slam against the wall between Shikamaru's room and his own. _Please don't come crashing through there! There's no way I have enough money on me to cover the cost of remodeling, my friend.  
_

The sounds coming from next-door were changing now, signaling the end of Kakashi's watch. He'd stayed – not so much out of some sick, perverted desire to listen in, but in an attempt to make sure no-one would catch on to the reason Shikamaru was running late. Of course, listening in _was_ kind of fun, too. 

And he'd honestly never expected the kid to be so loud about it. _Well, there you have it. No matter what you might_ _ **think**_ _you know, people will always manage to surprise you in the end._

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, his perverted guard had gotten distracted. Kakashi Hatake never heard those soft footsteps coming up the stairs…


	6. There Is No Such Thing As Privacy Here

AUTHORS NOTE: _WARNING:_ Shikamaru's having a little 'me-time' today, so… yeah :P 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 6: There Is No Such Thing As Privacy Here

XOXOX

"Aah… Aaah! A- _ **Asumaaaah**_!" 

Sakura's feet halted of their own free will. Her brain certainly had nothing to do with it. Shikamaru was – was he…? 

_Did he_ _ **really**_ _just say 'Asuma"? No way! Maybe- maybe he's crying, maybe he wishes Asuma-sensei were here right now. If I go in now, he'll probably be embarrassed, won't he?  
_

Sakura was still such an innocent girl, even Lady Tsunade hadn't been able to break through that. Although to be honest, she hadn't really had the heart to try very hard.  
And so, the girl stood quietly atop the staircase, uneasy, but unsure as to what exactly was going on. All she could really tell for sure was that this was – without a doubt – a very private moment for Shikamaru. 

She'd seen glimpses of the pain her old classmate was in, and she wanted nothing more than to be there for him- to help him. But some primal instinct told her now was not the time. 

So, she instead opted for the next best thing, getting Kakashi-sensei to remember his order of leaving at sunrise. A small sigh escaped her mouth as she willed her body to move, willed her hand to knock on her sensei's door.

Shikamaru found himself rudely awakened to the fact that there were other people on this planet besides Asume and himself as a knock sounded on his door. 

_No, wait, not_ _ **my**_ _door. Kakashi's.  
_

He held his breath, insecurity rearing his ugly head again.  
And sure enough, he could hear the door slide open, Kakashi's voice and… Sakura?!

XOXOX

 _I must be losing it, I never heard her come up!  
_

"Sakura, what a pleasant surprise to see your face on such a beautiful morning!" 

_Shikamaru's done, but… How long has she been standing there? What did she hear? Did she hear him calling out Asuma's name?  
_

"Sensei, I thought you said to leave first thing in the morning!"

 _Her face is all red… Could be anger… I_ _ **am**_ _late again…  
_

"Well, the morning has just begun, and it's a beautiful one at that. Not as beautiful as you are, of course-" 

"You can drop the flattery-act, Kakashi-sensei. We're all waiting for you."

 _All of you? I'm actually quite certain_ _ **one**_ _of you is currently waiting for you to leave, my little eavesdropper…  
_

"All right, all right… Calm down, Sakura. Here, will you please go pay the innkeeper for me?" 

The jounin reached behind him to take the money out of his pouch, sincerely hoping the nice little old lady wouldn't say anything to Sakura about what had just gone on in the room to his left, "I'll be down in just a minute, so wait for me at the gate, okay?"

"All right, sensei. But you better hurry!" 

_Oh, thank god she took the bait. Now ,on to the next problem, Shikamaru…_

The copy ninja watched as his former student walked down the stairs again, hoping against hope that the blush he'd seen really was nothing more than a fit of anger at her unreliable sensei. 

After carefully picking up his things he took a last look around the room before he stepped out. There were good memories here. He could only hope that he and Shikamaru would continue down this path of friendship. He'd certainly like to. It had been lonely being all alone.

 _Maybe I can even learn him a thing or two._ Kakashi grimaced, _Like how to keep it down…_

Once out on the landing, Kakashi leaned against the wall of Shikamaru's room and called his friend's name in a soft tone. There was a grunt and some undecipherable noises before the door opened, revealing a hastily dressed chuunin.  
Kakashi couldn't have kept back his smile even if he'd tried, so he didn't try. Instead he simply waved.

"Good morning, Shikamaru, how's your day going so far?" 

The shadow-user turned bright red, trying to look everywhere _but_ at Kakashi. 

_He's actually kinda cute like this, just like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie-jar. Well,_ _ **around**_ _it.  
_

"Well, I'd hate to have to interrupt what would no doubt be a very entertaining morning, but we really should get going now. Don't you think? " 

The Nara somehow managed to turn an even brighter shade as his eyes dropped to the floor between them, "Gimme five minutes," he mumbled, turning away from the silver-haired ninja. 

For some reason, Kakashi simply could not restrain himself any longer; "Five minutes? Are you planning on an encore, then? Because if you are, you'll be having an audience…" 

The younger man stopped death in his tracks, hand stretched to pick up his bag. He stood frozen like that for several heartbeats.  
Kakashi knew he'd pushed too far this time, scrambling desperately for an apology that didn't sound like he was toying with the boy again. 

But then the Nara turned around. A smirk on his face, hands burrowed themselves deep inside pockets. 

"Wow, you really _are_ every bit as pervy as Naruto claims. Maybe you're even worse than Jiraiya. " 

Kakashi's mouth suddenly went dry and he watched the young man lick his lips. 

"I kinda like it, it's hot." 

The copy ninja quickly swallowed, trying to keep his tone light as he replied to the thinly veiled invitation, "Well, if that's the case I guess I would want a little more than just five minutes. So I think maybe we should just go downstairs before Sakura decides to come get us. Remember, she's got Tsunade's super-strength now – if she comes for us we'll be in big trouble."

 _Whew, I think I dodged a bullet, there! Who knew Shikamaru had an exhibitionist side? Hmm, it would be kinda nice, though… No wait, what the hell am I thinking? He's still a_ _ **kid**_ _, for cryin' out loud!_

Shikamaru didn't notice Kakashi's signs of distress, busying himself with stuffing his things in his backpack. _What the hell was that? Did I just… Invite him to come see me jerk off? That's just wrong on_ _ **so**_ _many levels!_ _What kind of special idiot am I? I mean, I know the man's a perv, right? So why did I just- hang on a minute…  
_

There was a part of Shikamaru's brain that had been demanding attention for a while now. But, being too pre-occupied with everything that had just rushed in, Shikamaru had pushed it aside. Only now that little part of his brain was shouting so loudly he couldn't even hear himself _think_ anymore.

 _Sakura knocked, and_ _ **Kakashi opened the door**_ _...!_


	7. Conclusions

AUTHORS NOTE:

 **A shout-out to** **RashSaku** **for being amazing and reviewing my work!  
Chapters seven and eight are a double upload, just for that! **

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 7: Conclusions

XOXOX

Something was not right. For the last couple of days, Shikamaru Nara had been acting weird, even _if_ he was focusing on mission now. Not that Sakura wasn´t relieved he seemed to be feeling better, but still something about this didn´t sit right with her.

 _If only I could talk to Kakashi-sensei, he seems to know what's going on…  
_ But – and this was part of the problem- Kakashi-sensei and Shikamaru just seemed to be nigh inseparable these days. 

_Man, I thought I wasn't looking forward to this long trip before, but this just seems to get worse by the day! And Shino sure isn't helping much, either.  
_ She glanced at the young man beside her. Then, her eyes darted back up front, a frown crept across her face.  
 _Every time I go near them they just stop talking. They act nice enough, I guess, but you can just tell they're waiting for me to leave again…_

It had been like this ever since they'd left that village. Making this the _… really?_ Yes, apparently this was the _sixth_ day of those two given Shino and her the cold shoulder. What was up with that, anyway? Every time she asked them about it, those two guys innocently pretended they didn't have a clue what she was talking about. 

_Yeah right! I know that's what I can expect from Kakashi-sensei, but I just can't believe he's sucked Shikamaru into it, as well… He may not want to show it, but I know Shikamaru_ _ **does**_ _care about others, and he really ought to be smart enough to figure out what's bothering me. It's not like I've been_ _ **that**_ _subtle. No, Shikamaru usually cares… So maybe… He just doesn't care what I think? No, it has to be something else, it just has to be!  
Maybe it's…_

Sakura let her mind wander back to the time she'd stood on the stairs at the inn. Shikamaru was crying then, wasn't he? And he'd desperately cried out for Asuma-sensei. Maybe Kakashi-sensei was just trying to fill in? But then, why would they both ignore Shino and her? Was it about something classified or something?

She looked at the backs of her comrades again. _No, if this was about some classified mission they wouldn't be talking about It out here. And they_ _ **certainly**_ _wouldn't be laughing like this._

She was still such an innocent girl…

 _Well, at least the boy seems to be doing better now,_ the copy ninja mused as he listened to the story his younger friend was regaling. Chuckling, he realized what was coming. 

"And so, there I was, in the bath, surrounded by all these hot guys and trying to work out how long it would take to re-organize Storage. You know? Trying to keep my mind off things. I mean – _really –_ that spring was just _way_ to small for comfort! And I guess I must've said _something_ and Neji asked what I said, so I repeated 'about three months' I was _trying_ to add 'to organize Storage,' but they all just started laughing! Turns out, Izumo'd asked for how long I'd been boning 'that Yamanaka girl'! _As if!_ The whole thing was such a drag…"

And there it was, the defense mechanism that the boy had held in place since early childhood. Somehow, at the end of every story, the kid managed to shrug the whole thing off with those few little words. To Kakashi, it was quite amazing. They both did the same thing, after all. Playing it vague, never letting anyone get too close, hiding behind words.  
Of course, the jounin also hid behind the orange cover of his beloved Icha Icha novels. But it was probably only a matter of time before Shikamaru started doing something similar. _  
_

_That is, unless I can keep him from doing that. Maybe help myself in the process… After all, it's not like I'd be reading all the time if I actually had someone to talk to. I'd still be reading a_ _ **lot**_ _of course, but not all the time. Right now I can't even remember the last time I took out that book…_

 _I'll talk to him when we make camp. I'm not just going to be standing by any longer!  
_ But Sakura's resolve would prove to be in vain.

"Sakura," Shino's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, "My insects have detected something."

Kakashi had heard as well, and motioned for the entire squad to stop; "Have you found him, Shino?" 

"I am not certain. I've sent more of my insects to investigate the location." 

"We should stay put, then," Shikamaru stood a little ways away from them, studying the insect handler. 

"I agree, if it is the target we do not want to alert him to our presence" 

So they waited.

In retrospect, following Taito's trail from that village had been the best plan. Shino couldn't help but feel slightly uneasy as he realized how opposed to the idea he'd been at first. Of course, that had been mostly due to Shikamaru's mood at the time, and the young man seemed to be doing a lot better now. 

_I still wonder how Kakashi-sensei managed to pull it off. He obviously understood what Shikamaru needed a lot better than either of us did. Well, better than I did, at least.  
_ The Aburame sneaked a look at Sakura.  
 _Who knows what's she's been thinking this whole time?  
_

Shino had desperately wished for a way to help his friend, he'd watched Shikamaru's every move and tried his best to remember the things his mother had taught him. Like how to comfort a friend, or ways to help determine what was bothering someone. But social interaction had never been the young Aburame's strong suit, and the days had slipped past him one by one. 

_If only I knew what Kakashi said to him. Then, maybe next time I could be of some help too. Then, maybe, Shikamaru would talk to_ _ **me**_ _. He has always been the one that noticed me. I could stand at the edge of the playground forever and no-one would see me. But as soon as Shikamaru arrived, he would always notice me. Even when we were little, he was there for me. Talked to me. Noticed me. And after all these years, what have I ever done for him? I couldn't even help him when he was so depressed and sleep deprived he couldn't even see straight. Why am I such a useless friend?_

 __The Aburame was pulled out of his gloomy thoughts as his swarm returned, the insects relayed the information they'd gathered and Shino quickly translated for his squad.

"It's him. The hand-off is happening right now." 

Shikamaru –always the strategist – asked a few quick questions before explaining the plan.

 _It seems the kid has fully bounced back, then._ Kakashi pondered. A _nyway you look at it, this plan is pretty much watertight.  
_ From the description Shino gave them, the tree men they would be facing didn't look to be ninja. Making the their task considerably less difficult. Still, it couldn't hurt to plan for the worst-case scenario so the team quickly moved to surround the three criminals.

' _Remember, we want them alive.'_ That's what Kakashi-sensei had said. And yes, it was the most rational thing to do. Capturing them alive was by far the best option, that's what he'd planned for. 

But for some reason, Shikamaru had a hard time concentrating over the bloodlust that suddenly surged through him. He couldn't figure out why, but as he sat there in the tree, waiting for his teammates to get into position, the Nara heir felt a distinct desire to cut something. Some _one._

_It's probably just frustration stemming from my feelings for Asuma. It's been too hard on me, so now that I get the chance, I want to let loose. Only this isn't the right time for that! Focus Shikamaru, focus!_

 __While the young man was wrestling with his own thoughts, another part of his brain was nearing the end of the count they'd agreed upon. ' _We'll move at 200,'_ he'd said. They should all be in position by now.

… _197…198…199…200!_ Kakashi Hatake jumped out of his tree at the exact same time Shikamaru's shadows took possession of their captive's bodies. Shino's insects weren't far behind as Kakashi's feet touched the ground. _Gotcha!_

The mighty Kakashi Hatake quickly subdued the three lowly thugs, assisted by shadows and bugs.  
When the three of them were securely tied up, Sakura and the others joined him. There was not much more to do, the boys went through the criminals' belongings while he and Sakura questioned the prisoners. As expected, they were nothing but hired thugs. 

Kakashi pressed a bit harder, until he learned the only thing he'd been interested in. The name of the commissioner. The name itself didn't really ring a bell, but the man was from a noble house in the Land of Cherry Blossoms. 

There was a treaty between the Land of Fire and the Land of Cherry Blossoms, however, so this instantly became politics. _And I_ _ **hate**_ _politics… On the other hand, politics also mean I get to go home now. Let the Hogake deal with politics while I'm soaking in a nice, hot bath._

And thus they made their way back home.


	8. The Hurt One Man Can Cause

AUTHORS NOTE: To all you Asuma-lovers out there, I am _so_ sorry… But I needed a bad guy and he just fit the bill… Don't get me wrong, I love Asuma too, but… yeah…  
As always, please read and review.  
Reviews and followers make me squeal like a fangirl ;) 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 8: The Hurt One Man Can Cause

XOXOX

Kakashi Hatake heaved a huge sigh as he walked out of the briefing room. He'd somehow managed to evade getting sent to the Land of Cherry Blossoms to discuss the politics of the situation. Not that he'd be involved in the discussion itself, but still, the whole thing would've been a drag, 

The copy ninja smiled, _The kid's rubbing off on me… Wonder what he's doing right now. Asuma wanted to see him, right? Poor kid.  
_

Kakashi pulled out his ever-present Icha Icha book and buried his face within its pages. But for some reason he couldn't focus on the words. He slowly walked through the village not even bothering to look where he was going. The people of Konoha knew him well, though, and they managed to avoid colliding with the preoccupied ninja. 

Slowly but surely Kakashi started to realize where he was headed. It wasn't exactly anywhere he _wanted_ to go, but over the years he'd learned to always follow his intuition.  
So Kakashi allowed his feet to guide him to the apartment of Asuma Sarutobi.  
He didn't go to the door, but instead leaped upon the roof.

XOXOX

"Asuma, I'm _sorry,_ " Shikamaru looked at the older man with pain in his heart. This wasn't going well, not at all.

"It's okay, kid. I mean, you can't really decide who you're gonna fall in love with I suppose," Asuma stated slowly as he lit another cigarette.

"No…" 

The young man studied his sensei's face, trying to figure out what his friend was thinking. But Asuma's expression was unreadable. Even _if_ he'd known the guy for years, even _if_ he knew him better than any of his old teammates did, he couldn't read Asuma this time. _What a drag…_

"Shikamaru!" Asuma sounded irritated, no actually he sounded pissed; "Stop looking at me like that, Goddamnit!" 

_What the hell? What did I do?_ The young Nara was puzzled by this sudden outburst, this was not the Asuma Sarutobi he knew… Still… 

"Like what?" 

"Like… Like you're trying to undress me with your eyes!" Asuma blurted out. Self-righteous anger exploding on his face. 

_Who the_ _ **hell**_ _does this kid think he is, anyway?! I'm a_ _ **guy**_ _for Christ's sake! Why the hell is he_ _ **looking**_ _at me like that?!  
_

Shikamaru really didn't know _what_ to say, he'd only been trying to figure out what Asuma was _thinking._

"I wasn't-" 

"Spare me your excuses, Shikamaru Nara! Just- just get the hell out!"

XOXOX

Kakashi had been an unwilling witness to the tragedy occurring just beneath his feet. He frowned.

 _Even_ _ **if**_ _Asuma hates the idea of a guy falling in love with him so bad it makes him sick to his stomach, that's absolutely no way to treat a teenage boy who's only sin is falling in love... And screaming your name as he cums, but that's not really something you need to know at this point, Asuma. Why couldn't you just be a_ _ **little**_ _gentler to the kid? And after all the work I put in as well… What a drag…  
Hmmm… he really __**is**_ _rubbing off on me, heh._

But Kakashi's thoughts were interrupted as a raven-haired figure emerged from the apartment. He was looking down at this feet but Kakashi was still sure the boy was crying. He saw his point proven when Shikamaru lifted one arm to wipe his nose on his sleeve. The child-like gesture proof of his mental distress. It was clear that the young Nara had no idea where he was going when he staggered out into the street. _  
_The boy was in shambles.

Shikamaru didn't even notice the silver-haired jounin landing beside him as he stumbled down the road. He had to get away from this place.  
 _He thought I was stripping him. Undressing him. Asuma!_ A tormented sob escaped his mouth, but he didn't even notice. _Asuma, Asuma, Asuma! Why? How could you?_ _ **Asuma!**_

Kakashi walked alongside the young shinobi, adjusting his pace to the steps of the crying boy. Apparently Shikamaru hadn't even noticed him. That was okay, though. _I'll watch over him. Even if he's too torn up inside to realize I'm here, I'll stay by his side. I made a promise, after all.  
_

Kakashi felt like his already wounded heart break in two when a tear-jerking sob escaped the boy. _Asuma! You've really done it this time! When Shikamaru's taken care of I'll come back here and rip you a new one. He's just a bloody kid, you asshole!  
_

Kakashi heard the boy whimper beside him, "Asuma… Why?...How could you? Asu-…" In an instant, reflexes took over as the copy ninja scooped up the heartbroken boy. He felt tears stinging in his own eyes, _I'll get you for this, Asuma!_

His legs gave way, making Shikamaru fall to his knees. Only… He didn't fall. Strong, caring hands wrapped around him, preventing his body from crashing to the ground. He felt himself being lifted up, followed by the sensation of a high jump. 

"Kakashi?" He didn't need to look up to recognize the other shinobi, "You… Came…?" 

He could feel the older man chuckle, it was a strange sensation for the young man, but it felt pretty damn good, too. He leaned a little closer to Kakashi's strong chest. 

"I promised I would be there for you, Shikamaru." 

The young Nara nodded against Kakashi's chest. Somehow, he felt safe now.

XOXOX

A pair of feet softly touched down on the gallery in front of Kakashi´s door. The copy ninja opened the door to his apartment and carried the sobbing boy inside. He'd not let go of Shikamaru since the boy had collapsed on the street. 

_Normally he would've objected to this treatment before I'd even set foot upon the rooftop. And yet, here I am, carrying a crying Shikamaru all the way across town. Poor kid, he must be completely devastated. Why didn't tell me he was planning on telling Asuma? I'd have done anything in my power to stop this from happening to him. Even if I'd have to out myself out in the process. What was he thinking, anyway? Even if he had no idea Asuma was such an ass of a homophobic, Shikamaru knows he's with Kurenai, right?  
_

The older man gently sat his charge down on the bed, "Sorry it's such a mess in here, I had no time to clean up before we left."

" 'Sokay… Thanks…" 

Shikamaru was sitting on the ruffled bed, bearing a striking resemblance to a sack of potatoes. The copy ninja sighted before dropping to sit cross-legged on the floor, facing his young friend. 

"You want to talk about it?" 

"Not really…" 

_Figures,_ "I know you're used to bottling everything up, kid, but I kinda thought you and me were passed that by now." 

Finally, Shikamaru looked up. He smirked, "Kid?" 

"Well, you _are._ " 

Kakashi felt his breath get caught in his throat as he watched the expressing on Shikamaru's face change, he looked so beaten, so broken, so utterly alone all of the sudden. Tears burned in the silver-haired man's eyes again.  
"Not anymore, Kakashi. I'm not a kid anymore. Not after today…"

"Shikamaru-" 

"He accused me of trying to undress him with my eyes, Kakashi!" The boy suddenly shouted, "Like I'm some kind of pervert! All I did was try to read his face…" 

He collapsed back onto the bed. Crying hysterically, he curled himself into a fetal position. His body shaking with every heartbreaking sob. Kakashi watched helplessly as Shikamaru finally broke down completely.

XOXOX

Shikamaru opened his eyes. It was dark around him, only a little light came in through the window. It was a new moon, and most of the starlight was shielded by heavy clouds. 

The young Nara didn't recognize his surroundings. For a second he could feel panic starting to bubble up inside him. But when he took a deep breath in order calm himself down he smelled something familiar. 

_Kakashi. The bed smells like Kakashi. But how… That's right! He took me here after Asuma-_ Another sob welled up in his throat. 

"Shikamaru," Kakashi spoke softly, placing a hand atop the boy's head, "I'm here for you, you're going to be okay." 

The copy ninja had sat there, on the cold floor for hours after the boy had cried himself to sleep. Afternoon had slowly turned into evening, which in turn had become night. And all that time he had stayed put. Not wanting to leave his friend's side. There hadn't been much else he could do for him, anyway. After nightfall, Kakashi had contemplated going over to see the cause of his friends pain, but then thought better of it. 

_I need to be here when he wakes up. Besides, there's no telling what I'll do if I go and face Asuma right now. I might try to kill him.  
_

So he'd stayed.  
And now Shikamaru was finally waking up.


	9. Indiscrete Disclosure

AUTHORS NOTE: Just a starting a little side-arc to help relief the tension of all the hurt I so enjoy putting everyone through ;)  
No real warnings here, except maybe… _sex sounds_! Hehe, that's right xD 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings. Hidden Lives**

Chapter 9: Indiscrete Disclosure

XOXOX

Sakura shivered in the cold breeze, it was definitely getting colder out.

"Here." 

The pinkette turned around to face her friend. Shino had shrugged off his hoodie and was now offering the piece of clothing to her. 

"Thank you, Shino. But… Won't you get cold?" 

"Not really."

Sakura accepted the warm hoodie gratefully, putting it on without another thought. 

"Ah so nice and warm!"she exclaimed as she hugged herself. 

Shino felt a blush creep up as he watched his old classmate tightly gripping onto his hoodie. He swallowed hard. 

"Would you like me to walk you home? Since Kakashi and Shikamaru have left already." 

His chest seemed to tighten as she smiled brightly, "I'd love that, Shino, thanks. You really are such a gentleman."

He could only nod as they started to make their way to Sakura's house.

They walked for a while in a comfortable silence. Neither of them seeming to feel the need to talk.  
Until Shino noticed the girl beside him fidgeting with a loose thread on his hoodie. 

"Is there something wrong?" 

"No, I mean, it's just… I'm still a little worried about Shikamaru, I guess." 

"Me too." 

"Yeah, I mean he was crying for Asuma-sensei and all…" 

Shino stopped walking, a surprised look on his face, "I did not know that."

"Yeah well… You remember when we stayed that entire day in that inn, right?" 

An affirmative nod. 

"Well, when we were supposed to leave and Shikamaru and Kakashi-sensei didn't show up I went to get them, remember?" 

Another nod, Shino remembered, he just didn't know what that had to do with Asuma Sarutobi. In a strange way, he both wanted for Sakura to get to the point and for her to never stop talking to him. _Did her voice always sound so lovely? And why does she have to look so cute?  
_

"Well… When I went up the stairs I could hear Shikamaru calling his sensei's name… He sounded pretty upset."

 _Now_ _ **that**_ _is weird. I have never known Shikamaru to cry out for someone, even If that someone is his best friend. Shikamaru usually deals with things himself.  
_

"Was Kakashi with him, then?" 

"N-no… Hey, I never thought about it like that! But you're right! It is kind of weird that Kakashi-sensei wasn't with Shikamaru if he was that upset. I mean… Kakashi-sensei is the one that got him back on his feet, right?" 

"I suppose so," Shino held up his hand, "It is starting to rain. Would you mind if we continue this conversation inside a restaurant?" The Aburame motioned to the building behind Sakura. 

"Yes, that's a good idea, Shino. I'm actually getting pretty hungry, too. Besides, maybe we can figure this whole thing out together."

 _She said yes. This means I get to be alone with Sakura in a restaurant. I believe I really like that idea. And if she is hungry, we will eat together. This is turning out to be a very nice day, after all._

XOXOX

After they'd settled in at the barbeque restaurant and ordered their food, the conversation returned to Shikamaru. 

"So… Kakashi was not with Shikamaru, even though you heard him cry." 

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei was in his own room. Probably reading one of his dirty books again…"

Shino could not quite make out the last part of what Sakura said, something about 'dirty books', but it was common knowledge that Sakura hated her sensei's taste in literature so he didn't ask any further. 

"Sakura, how exactly did Shikamaru sound when you heard him?" 

"He was crying, like I said."

"Still you do not sound sure of that fact." 

"What else could it have been?" 

"That is what I'm asking you, Sakura." 

They both fell quiet as the vegetables and meat they'd ordered were delivered to their table. As both were lost in their own thoughts, it took al while for them to realize they still hadn't put anything on the grill yet. As Sakura busied herself with spreading the meat and vegetables evenly across the barbeque, Shino studied her hands. Her incredibly _capable_ and _gorgeous_ hands.

Sakura felt the Aburame next to her suddenly stiffen. 

"Shino? Is something wrong?" 

"Sakura…" He spoke ever so slowly; "Could you _… Imitate_ … The way Shikamaru sounded when he cried for Asuma for me?"

"Uhh… Sure… I guess…" 

Shino watched her as she cleared her throat. Bringing one of those incredibly beautiful hands up to cough against her fist. 

"Right, uh, here goes: 'Aah…! A- _Asuma_!'… Something like that at least." 

Shino quickly looked around at the other patrons, everyone was staring at them now, and an incredibly uncomfortable feeling crept up on him. 

"Sakura," He tried to keep his voice as quiet as possible, wishing everyone else would just get back to their own food now, "I do not believe Shikamaru was crying at that time. In fact, I believe…" His voice trailed off as Shino was too embarrassed to finish his sentence. 

"Huh? Wha' 'o you 'ean?" She hastily swallowed her food; "Sorry about that, but what do you mean, Shino?" 

"Sakura…" He sighed before leaning over to whisper in her ear, "Those were sex sounds…"

"Shino!" The girl quickly sat back, creating as much room between the two as the small booth would allow, "What the hell are you doing?" 

"I am _trying_ to be inconspicuous. The entire restaurant is watching us, right now." He nodded towards the packed dining hall. 

"Well, I'm sorry if I didn't do it right" Sakura huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

"That is not what I meant, Sakura. What I meant to say is, I believe you overheard Shikamaru while he was… Taking care of himself. " 

"Oh…? Oh! Shino! But-but he was- Asuma-sensei-" 

"Yes. I believe Shikamaru is in love with Asuma-sensei."

XOXOX

It had gotten completely dark before the two left the restaurant. Sakura was once again wearing Shino's hoodie, pulling at the loose thread her fingers had found earlier that day. 

"It's really hard to believe, though… I mean, Shikamaru and Asuma-sensei?" 

"They have been close friends for a while now." 

"Yes, but… Shikamaru and _Asuma-sensei_?" 

"Does it bother you, Sakura? Do you not believe two men can love each other the same way a man and a woman can?" 

Sakura scoffed, "Of course I do! It's just… _Shikamaru and Asuma-sensei_?" 

"You do not need to keep repeating their names. In fact, it would probably be best if you didn't. Why? Because it is clear that if there _is_ a relationship between the two, they are keeping it a secret for now. And if it is a one-sided affair, would it not be best if Asuma heard it from Shikamaru himself?" 

"Now look who's using names!" Sakura playfully bumped into her friend, before locking her arm with his, "You feel cold, Shino. Do you need your hoodie back?" 

"I am fine. But being cold is not important to me now. We have figured out what was troubling our teammate on our mission, but somehow I do not feel content with it." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, I should have been a better friend to him. If he had felt like he could trust me he might not have sunken into such a depression." 

"You're right… Kakashi-sensei seemed to understand him better that the both of us combined. And _we've_ known Shikamaru for most of our lives! " 

"Exactly."

They'd almost gotten to Sakura's house at this point. She could see the front door already, when Shino came to an abrupt halt, accidentally yanking her arm. 

"Ouch! Shino, what the hell was that for?" 

"Sakura," The insect-handler stared at her intently in the dark of the moonless night, "Why is it that Kakashi-sensei seemed to almost immediately recognize and understand our friends troubles? Why is it that he kept us from voicing our concern about our friend?"

"I- I don't know, no-one understands why Kakashi-sensei does what he does…" 

"Sakura, you know your own sensei best. Why do you think he kept us away from our friend? What do you think they talked about after I left them alone at the bathhouse?" 

"You mean…? _Eew!_ In the _bath_?" 

"Sakura… Given all this information we gathered on our mission. And given the conclusions we have already come to when we compared said information, do you not believe there might be a detail about your sensei that we have been overlooking?"

Sakura stared at the young man beside her, feeling her jaw drop; "Do you mean that Kakashi-sensei is-…?" 

"I believe he is gay."


	10. A Glimpse Of Times Long Past

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay guys, here´s your lemon ;) Well… sort of…

Oh, and a little warning; If you really like Kakashi the nice, calm good guy… you're in for a rather unpleasant experience, or not… Depends really :P  
Also, there is some rough yoai here, and swearing, and I promise I really do love Kakashi… _Really!_

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 10: A Glimpse Of Times Long Past

XOXOX

Kakashi grunted as he pounded into the man underneath him. It was a quick, rough fuck, the other man was on his hands and knees on the bed while the copy ninja's lean body was pounding his insides away. Kakashi could hear the man whimpering under his harsh ministrations but he didn't care. When he felt his release coming, the shinobi digged his nails into the ass he'd been pounding, leaving several small rubies of blood behind.  
Ignoring the prostitutes soft sobbing, he extracted himself.  
On the way out, he dropped some money on the nightstand.

XOXOX

"Ah, Kakashi, there you are."

The silver-haired ninja nodded to his comrade, "Asuma." 

He looked up at his fellow jounin, currently very thankful for his covered face. At nineteen years old, his teammate looked to be at his prime and despite his release being less than an hour ago, he felt something stir in his pants.  
The young ANBU wished desperately that things could be different, but at the same time realized all the reasons why it could not. 

"…Kakashi?" 

_Huh, did he say something?  
_ "Sorry, what?" 

"I asked what you've been up to, for the past _four_ hours. You were supposed to be here ages ago!" 

"Oh, nothing much…"  
 _Just trying to find a place to fuck a man since there's no way I'll be fucking you anytime soon. No, make that_ _ **ever**_ _.  
_

"Kakashi, it's one thing if you pull that crap in the village, but we're in the middle of a mission! Don't go disappearing again!"

XOXOX

Kakashi Hatake stalked through the streets of yet another village. Well, this one was more like a city anyway. The twenty-one year-old was looking for a place to scratch his itch, as he'd done a hundred times before.  
Looking at the signs of different establishments he sauntered through busy streets. 

_It'd actually be kind of funny if it wasn't so fucking sad. Half the village is in a frenzy over what I look like underneath the mask and here I am, taking it off so they won't recognize me.  
_

The silver-haired shinobi also wore a hat over his signature locks, and sported an eye patch to cover up Obito's eye.  
His civilian clothes had been carefully selected to attract absolutely no attention as he walked around in search of- _There! I_ _ **knew**_ _there would be a place like that around!_

 _I'll down a couple drinks, make nice with some not-too-bad looking guy and get him to take me home. I'll be in and out of this in two hours, three at the most. Even if they realize I left the camp, no-one's ever gonna come looking for me here. And I'll just make up some stupid excuse if it turns out they noticed my absence. Well… Here we go!_

 __The young men pushed the door open, lingering in the light of the full moon for a moment before stepping in and closing the door behind him.  
It was a calculated move. The shinobi knew he looked good, and knew this was the easiest way to attract the attention he was looking for tonight. As he walked over to the bar he felt about a dozen pair of eyes linger on his well-toned body.  
 _This'll be_ _ **easy**_ _._

After ordering his drink, Kakashi turned around. Resting his elbows on the bar he crossed his legs in a relaxed stance. His one visible grey eye regarded the men around him. 

_A fine crop. Now, which one to choose?  
_ He let his eye wander, dismissing one possible partner after another.  
 _He's cute, but he looks like he'll be too much of a hassle... That one? No, he's taken... He looks like he could be fun, but I don't really feel like bottoming tonight, sorry pal... Oh my,_ _ **what**_ _a cutie! I like_ _ **him**_ _…  
_

He carefully picked up his glass from behind him, downing the drink in one shot before using his tongue to toy with the ice cubes in his mouth. He knew he looked sexy as hell doing that, so Kakashi was milking the moment as best he could.  
 _Guy's practically_ _ **drooling**_ _over there. I got this one!  
_

He swallowed the ice cubes in one, fluid movement, eliciting a few moans from around the bar. But he'd already picked his target. After ordering another drink he made his way over to his mark, drink in hand.

"You've been looking at me," His voice sounded so smooth, so _sexy_ that the other man had to gulp before he could reply. 

"Yeah…." 

He had a husky voice, hoarse. Kakashi liked it. He wanted to hear that voice cry out as he pounded into its owner. He sat down next to the brunette dream, immediately letting one hand rest high upon a muscular thigh.

"Like what you see?" He asked the stranger, adding a playful tone to his sex-laced voice. 

In the meantime, the shinobi's hand began to slowly trace circles on the leg he'd already claimed as his own. He could feel the fabric of the man's pants shift as a certain part seemed to tighten without hesitation. 

_That's a definite 'yes'. I hadn't realized this was going to be_ _ **so**_ _easy. Hmmm…. Now I kinda feel like dragging this out…  
_

"Well…?"

He leaned in a little closer, faces now only inches apart. But Kakashi on his part was suddenly startled as he felt a hand sneak up his own thigh.  
 _He's taking measures into his own hands? I'm starting to like you more and more…  
_ The man beside him now sported a bright blush, dipping his head so his long hair would fall over his heated cheeks.  
 _Damn! I don't think I can wait much longer. That is just so goddamn sexy!_

"I do."

Kakashi swallowed hard.  
 _Oh god! I just had to pick the god of sexy voices. Calm down. Breathe. Breathe goddamnit!  
_

"Wanna get out of here?"

XOXOX

It had been a wasted night.  
 _I should've known… He was just way too easy. But no_ _ **way**_ _I'm gonna be his first! That's not the kind of responsibility I need right now.  
_

The young man had spent the better part of the night consoling what he had first thought of as nothing but a fuck buddy. A deep sigh emanated from his chest. 

_And now there's no time left. They're fucking idiots if they haven't noticed I'm gone by now… Well, they're fucking idiots regardless. Still… I better go back.  
_

The streets around him looked deserted as he made his way across town, heading for the forest. He'd ducked into another alley right after leaving his disappointing 'date' and was once again wearing his full ANBU uniform. 

_I really should go straight back now. But… I gotta handle this first. Even idiots like them are gonna realize something's up when I get back with a bulge like this in my pants!  
_

Skipping over the city wall, the copy ninja swiftly ducked into the dense forest. Finding a thick bush that surrounded a clearing just about big enough for his intentions. It was a cramped space, but really all he needed right now was a little privacy. 

_Camp's not far from here. I'll have to be incredibly quiet. One squeak and they're gonna come check it out. And that is one dirty move I_ _ **don't**_ _want going around the village. Rumors are fine, but you can't give 'em any proof of the matter..._

But Kakashi soon found that the need to be absolutely quiet turned out to be a huge turn-on as he pumped his cock to the rhythm of his lust.

XOXOX

It was the night of Kakashi´s twenty-second birthday and his friends had all come together to throw him a party. There were several of his fellow ANBU there, and even Asuma had managed to get some time of the Guardian Shinobi Twelve in order to attend.  
To Kakashi, it was truly heartwarming.

Tenzo was here, and Kurenai, and Asuma of course. Genma, Raidou, Izumo and Kotetsu. Gai was unmistakably present, yelling about the 'power of youth' to some poor girl Kakashi had never seen before. There seemed to be a lot of them here tonight, girls he'd never seen before. 

An exceptionally pretty one was currently trying to relieve him of his flack vest. He gently pushed her away, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. But instead, he stepped out unto the balcony. It was nice and quiet out here and a chilly September breeze helped cool Kakashi's heated cheeks, there were just way too many people in his tiny apartment…

"Ah so there you are, Kakashi." 

The young man turned around to see Genma leaning against the doorframe, "Just getting some fresh air, it's kind of crowded inside."

"Tell me about it!" 

The other man pushed himself away from the door and moved to stand beside the silver-haired jounin. They both stayed quiet for a moment, enjoying the fresh air. Genma toyed his senbon around in his mouth before he continued, "No really, tell me about it."

"About what?" 

Genma laughed, waving back at the overcrowded apartmen,. "Come on, so many people came to wish you a happy birthday!"

"Yes, thank you for coming."  
 _I guess? What exactly is this guy getting at?  
_

"So many _girls_. Kakashi! Come on, you can't honestly say you didn't notice."

"I did. I was wondering where they all came from. I don't think I've seen any of them before, aside from Kurenai and Anko of course."

"You really hadn't noticed them, huh? They're all girls from the village, my man. And _you_ get to have your pick tonight." 

Genma slapped a hand on the younger man's shoulder, winking as his senbon made another trip around his mouth. His _perfect_ mouth. Kakashi almost drooled at the sight of it, an image of those lips locked around his own cock briefly entering his mind. His cock, in turn, was quick to stand to attention. Kakashi harshly yanked his mind back to reality. 

_So_ _ **that's**_ _what's going on; they're trying to get me a girl…  
_ "I _do_ have to leave on a mission in the morning…" 

"Kakashi," Gemna turned to face him squarely, grabbing hold of both shoulders and forcibly turning the younger man so he could look him in the eye, "Have you _looked_ at them?!"

"I did." 

Kakashi blinked as he found the other man staring at him in disbelief.  
 _Uh-oh, I_ _ **think**_ _I might've just fucked up…._

But Genma's expression slowly started to change. He threw an arm around Kakashi's shoulders, turning the both of them away from the apartment again. Genma leaned his head towards the younger man as he almost whispered, "Kakashi, be honest with me here. Have you ever been with a woman before?"

The son of the Leaf's White Fang carefully molded his voice after his sempai's, adding but a touch of insecurity, "I- I haven't…"

After that, the evening went much smoother. Kakashi noted that the discrete looks he hadn't even noticed before were gone, his friends had obviously decided to drop the subject for now.  
It was an indescribable relief.

The next morning found the copy ninja of to an early start, cleaning his apartment before the smell of an overcrowded party could get two weeks time to seep into his belongings.  
Last night, all of the girls had gone home. Most of them accompanying his male friends. Some of whom even had a girl hanging from each arm. It seemed like Kakashi was the only guy in the village who'd been alone last night…

As the young man set to packing his bag for the upcoming mission, he found his work interrupted by a knock at the door. Kakashi hadn't locked the door after taking out the trash earlier, so he called out to who-ever was at the door that they could just come in. 

"Wow, you certainly cleaned up quick, remind me to call you next time my apartment gets trashed!" Genma dropped down on the bed, "So I, uh, didn't bring you a present last night…"

"You brought sake."

"Yeah, and then drank most of it myself, heh!" Kakashi watched as the older man rubbed the back of his head, he seemed to be nervous for some reason.

"Anyway, I got you something. Since you- uh, well to help boost your confidence with the ladies, I guess…" 

He held out a package. As Kakashi reached for it, Genma concluded, "It helps to know what they like, you see?"

Kakashi didn't see, so he said nothing. Instead tearing the wrapping of a small, rectangular item. 

"A book…" 

"Yeah, just- Look, I have to go, okay? I have to report in to the Hokage in ten. Just- use that however you see fit."

After Genma had left Kakashi slowly turned the book around in his hands. It was titled: 'Icha Icha, Paradise'.


	11. Within The Confines Of One's Own Mind

AUTHORS NOTE: Please read and review!  
Reviews make me squeal like a fangirl! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 11: Within The Confines Of One's Own Mind

XOXOX

" _Kakashi-sensei, are you gay?"  
No.  
"Kakashi-sensei, is it true that you like boys?"  
No, not like that __**either**_ _! Still, there just_ _ **has**_ _to be a way to ask him… I mean, if Shino is right…  
´You know your own sensei best´ is what he said, but do I really? 'Cause from where I'm sitting it looks like both Shino __**and**_ _Shikamaru know Kakashi-sensei better than I do…Oh,_ _ **think**_ _Sakura! It's true that no-one has ever seen him on a date with a woman. But maybe that's just because he hasn't found anyone he wants to date yet. It's not like he's getting old, or something. He's like, what? Twenty-eight now?_

 _Or maybe Kakashi-sensei is just the kind of guy that prefers a quiet night at home with his girlfriend. Like, he'll cook her dinner and they'll talk. Maybe play a game or something…? Hmm… That doesn't sound like Kakashi-sensei_ _ **at all**_ _!_

 _So maybe Shino is right, maybe Kakashi-sensei is gay after all… And he was probably right about Shikamaru, too…  
Oh no! I think I'm blushing! What if someone sees me like this? Gotta focus on my studies! I didn't come to the library to daydream about- No!  
_

" _Resetting the heart; When the injuries are so grave that the heart is likely to pump all the patient's blood out of their body, a medical specialist can temporarily stop the heart-"… Heart...  
Maybe Kakashi-sensei got his heart broken by another man and that's why he doesn't date anymore… Or it could have been a woman…. If the theory holds then he might as well be straight, after all. Maybe he's just so heartbroken that he never wants to fall in love again…  
Oh why did I have to go and talk to Shino last night? I would've never been so confused if he hadn't said all those things! ´Do you not believe two men can love each other the same way a man and a woman can?´ Grrr… of course I do! And I __**don't**_ _have a problem with Kakashi-sensei being gay! Potentially gay, that is. Uh- oh, maybe I really_ _ **do**_ _have a problem with this… Am I really so intolerant? ´Do you not believe two men can love each other the same way a man and a woman can?´ Shino! Why did you have to go and_ _ **say**_ _that?!  
_

_Ugh, right! Study, "… can temporarily stop the heart from beating. To do this, one must perform the simple sealing jutsu as described in diagram 8.6" Diagram 8.6… Diagram-_ _ **Simple sealing jutsu?!**_ _That doesn't look simple at all!  
Okay… Let's first just read the text… "The heart can be stopped for no longer that ten minutes in a healthy person, however the difficulty lies in calculating how long a heavily wounded patient can survive without proper blood flow." Oh man! I can't focus on this __**at all**_ _!_

XOXOX

This was the third time today Shino had walked past the library. 

Last night she'd said she wanted to catch up on her studies here because their mission had taken a lot more time that she'd originally planned. And now she apparently was behind on her medical studies. Shino knew how important this was to Sakura so he didn't want to interrupt her work.  
And still he found himself here once again, hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl he'd known for so long but had only begun to _get to know_ a few days ago. Shino had really enjoyed himself last night. Just sharing a meal with Sakura, talking to her; it had seemed the highlight of an entire year. He wanted to talk to her again, maybe share another meal. 

Oh what the hell! Even scholars needed to eat, right? And it was just about lunchtime. He was just going to walk in there and invite her for lunch. Right now.

Ten minutes later, Shino was still standing in the middle of the street, facing the library…

XOXOX

"Sakura has a crush on Asuma?!" 

Iruka stared at his fellow academy sensei with wide eyes, his jaw had dropped and he pretty much gave a believable impression of a fish on dry land. 

"That's what I heard, apparently she was with some other guy at a restaurant when she suddenly went moaning about Asuma," She leaned in for the finale, whispering, "They _say_ she was screaming his name, like, you know, when she was done…" 

Eyebrows wiggled suggestively on a happily nodding head. His colleague seemed extremely pleased she was the first one to bring this little morsel to Iruka's attention. 

"I don't believe it... _Sakura_ was?" Iruka blinked, trying to get the mental image our of his head, "Who was this guy she was with, anyway?"

"No-one seems to know, but it seems that when they were, uh- _done_ " –Iruka winced- "She abruptly distanced herself from him…" 

_This doesn't sound like Sakura at all! Not the Sakura_ _ **I**_ _know, at least… But then again… When I think of Sakura I still see that bright-eyed girl sitting in the front row at class. Okay, so maybe not anymore…._ _ **Now**_ _I see her sitting in a restaurant, next to some shady-looking guy, moaning about Asuma Sarutobi… Oh god, I want to see the little girl again! Please….?!_

XOXOX

 _This is it. This could very well be the most important mission of my entire life. It may come with many risks, but they are worth it.  
If I don't complete this mission I may never have another chance to become Sakura's friend. To be near her.  
I_ _ **have**_ _to do this._

Shino willed his body to move. Willed it to take those few steps toward the library doors. Demanded his eyes to look for Sakura amidst the cramped bookshelves and littered tables. Urged himself to go up and speak with her.

But he couldn't move. The Kekaichu-handler was frozen in his spot in the middle of the street.

XOXOX

Sakura placed the books and scrolls she'd picked out back on their shelves. She'd filled an entire table with medical ninjutsu knowledge, aiming to read it all. Wanting so badly for her mind to absorb the information that might one day save her comrades lives. 

But she just couldn't focus on anything right now. Her mind was filled with memories of last night, with images of Kakashi-sensei kissing another man, with thoughts of Shikamaru and how he and Asuma-sensei would talk. 

There was just no way she could study like this. 

So she'd opted to drop all pretence and give the library back to those who _could_ study today. Even if there were only two other people in the entire building. And even _if_ that count included the librarian _and_ the janitor. She should just go and get something to eat. Maybe try again later.

Sakura was surprised when she left the library and found Shino standing in the middle of the street. 

"Shino! What are you doing here? Did you want to look something up at the library?" 

At first, she wasn't sure if he had even heard her, it seemed to take the Kekaichu-handler a long time to formulate a reply. 

"I was actually coming to see you, Sakura. However I did not want to interrupt your studies." 

"Why did you want to see me, Shino?"

Again, he remained silent for a long while. Sakura couldn't even begin to guess what was going through her friends head. But she could tell that, whatever it was, it was important to Shino. Important and… Difficult?

"I was planning to ask you to have lunch with me. But if you're too busy I will not bother you."

"I'm not busy!" A feeling of relief washed over her, "I was just about to get something to eat, anyway. I can't seem to focus on my studies today, so what do you say we hang out together?"

This time there was no pause as Shino inquired as to why she couldn't concentrate today. 

"My head just keeps going over and over- _you know_ , what we talked about last night. I'm actually really glad you're here because you're the only person I can talk to this about."

"Yes, I am." 

Her smile beamed at him as she locked their arms together like she's done last night. 

"Oh Shino, I'm so lucky to have you as a friend!"

Was it just her imagination or did his back straighten a bit more? Wasn't his gaze directed at the ground before?  
Was it weird that he seemed so happy just at the mention of the word 'friend'?


	12. A Hug

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R, reviews make me squeal!  
Warnings…. I suppose there should be some here… But I can't really think of a way to put it…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 12: A Hug 

XOXOX

Shikamaru opened his eyes. It was dark around him, only a little light came in through the window. It was a new moon, and most of the starlight was shielded by heavy clouds. 

Shikamaru didn't recognize his surroundings. For a second he could feel panic starting to bubble up inside him. But when he took a deep breath in order calm himself down he smelled something familiar. 

_Kakashi. The bed smells like Kakashi. But how… That's right! He took me here after Asuma-_ Another sob welled up in his throat. 

"Shikamaru," Kakashi spoke softly, placing a hand atop the boy's head, "I'm here for you, you're going to be okay."

Shikamaru brought one arm up to brush Kakashi's hand away. The older man tried to deny the slight pang in his chest as he allowed the other to push his hand away.  
 _He needs to get through this in his own way. If he doesn't want my help that's fine, too._

But it appeared the shadow-user _did_ want Kakashi's help, because as soon as the boy sat up he dropped himself off the bed and onto the floor. He'd planned to kneel there, but Kakashi was so close to the bed there was simply no room.  
So he crouched. 

"Kakashi, can I ask something of you?" 

"I'll help you any way I can, Shikamaru. What do you need?" 

The boy sniffed again, his gaze was fixed on a point somewhere in the middle of Kakashi's chest. His voice sounded small, fragile, "A hug…"

Kakashi smiled under his mask. _This kid…_  
He spread his arms to invite the young Nara in, who, in return, wasted no time. Lunching forward, he wrapped his arms tightly around Kakashi's neck, burrowing his face in the small space between the copy ninja's neck and his own arm. In turn, Kakashi squeezed the boy against him, offering his all in this simple act of kindness.

They held each other for a long time, the silence between them only broken by intermittent sobs from the young shadow-user.  
At some point – although he could not remember exactly when- the silver-haired man had taken up stroking the black hair. He'd pulled the band out of the boy's messy hair and combed through it with his long fingers. Eventually dropping all pretence and simply stroking.  
He'd been doing that for a while now… 

_I'd have never imagined his hair would be so soft. It may be thick, and right now it's definitely riddled with knots but it still feels like silk. He smells pretty good, too.  
_

At this point, he became slowly aware of his own body.  
 _Oh boy, this is_ _ **not**_ _good. I mean, it's just a_ _ **physical**_ _reaction and all, but… The kid can't find out about this! But I can't very well move away from him at this point, either… Oh what's a horny guy to do?  
_ He smiled to himself, his own thoughts amusing the man. But the problem still remained… 

He himself was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his left arm on Shikamaru's back, his right hand still stroking raven locks.  
Shikamaru's position, however, was a little more precarious. Crouched down, with his feet wedged in between Kakashi's legs and the bed, his head still rested atop the older man's shoulder. Arms firmly wrapped around his elder's neck. The shins of Shikamaru's legs had found a resting point on Kakashi's upper legs; the strain of the pose had gotten the better of young body.

But to Kakashi's dismay, this left him in a whole other precarious position. He could feel the Nara's breath on his neck, it was soft, and consistent, and just _kept_ hitting his most sensitive spot. Their chests were touching, he could feel the other's heartbeat even through his flack jacket.  
But worst of all… 

Worst of all was the proximity of the other man's groin. He could feel the blood rush to his own in response, his body seemingly assuming the two were going to meet in the near future.  
It was dark in Kakashi's room. He still had his mask on, and Shikamaru's face was still buried in the crook of his neck.  
No-one saw Kakashi blush…

XOXOX

Shikamaru smirked against the soft fabric covering his friends neck. "Kakashi…" He hadn't meant to whisper, had _meant_ for his voice to sound stronger, for his smirk to be relayed in sound.  
As it was, he could feel Kakashi shudder lightly as the sound of his voice.

That signaled the end of the Nara's self-control, he chuckled as his lips moved on their own, "Man, how long has it been for you?"

"It's… been a while…" The words were stretched out, embarrassment laced in every single one of them, "I'm sorry."

Another small smirk, "Don't be."

Shikamaru sighted and pushed himself back. There was still no room so his legs remained in position on top of Kakashi's. Placing both hands on strong shoulders he watched his friend intently.  
He noticed the blush, noticed the dark glaze that had inescapably crept over that one grey eye.

"Kakashi, don't take this the wrong way…" 

"Oookaay…" It sounded extremely insecure. 

_What the hell does he think I'm gonna say, I wonder…_ "Do you think I'm attractive?" 

Kakashi blew out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, "Shikamaru…" 

"Don't think. Just –…" The Nara bit his lip.  
 _How do I explain this…?  
_

"I do," The copy ninja met his gaze squarely, seemingly unbothered by the hot blush that was still residing on his cheeks. 

_What's he thinking? He doesn't wanna…_ _ **Fuck me**_ _… Does he? I mean… There's no way I could do that – well, I_ _ **could**_ _but… Damn, he's sexy, though…  
Kakashi Hatake! Stop this! The kid isn't even legal yet! What the hell are you thinking about, you dirty pervert?!_

"It's not… I mean…" Damn, why did he have to start stuttering _now_ of all times? Biting down on his lip again, the taste of blood filled his mouth, "I wasn't talking about… I mean, your… physical state, I just- I wanted to know," Shikamaru said weakly.

"That's good. What – … You weren't talking about, I mean," Kakashi smiled lightly, hoping to break the tension forming between them, "But why _did_ you ask?"

"I'm not… sure exactly…" Shikamaru dropped his gaze, suddenly embarrassed. A hot blush crept over his face. 

A blush that only intensified when his eyes caught hold of the bulge in the other man's pants.  
Kakashi cleared his throat, making the Nara's head snap back up. 

"Shikamaru, I think that we should probably… Get off the floor."

"Yeah…" 

It took the two some time to untangle themselves, each trying to touch the other as little as possible. When they finally managed to get up, Shikamaru took a seat on the bed again, while Kakashi pulled the chair out from under his desk. He didn't bother to turn it around but simply sat down, arms resting comfortably on the back of the chair. 

"Could we please pretend that never happened?"

The Nara fought, but could not hold back his smirk; "No. Because I never want to forget what you did for me."

XOXOX

A/N Let me know what you think!


	13. Guilt

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R, makes me squeal like a fangirl, also, still looking for Beta  
Warnings: This is one of those chapters why the whole story is rated M :P

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 13: Guilt

XOXOX

The bed shrieked, joining in the loud symphony of moans, groans and the occasional swear.  
 _"A-a-_ _ **aah**_ _!"  
_ The woman's back arched as her orgasm flooded all her senses. Her tightening muscles pushing his release as well. He collapsed on top of her, panting as he tried to catch his breath.  
After a while he pulled out, moving to lay beside her.

Kurenai turned her head to smile at her lover, "That was the third time, " She panted, "Never knew you had this much stamina…"

"Only for you…" He brought up a hand to caress the side of her cheek.

"Uhuh, so…. Care to tell me what's going on now?"

He withdrew his hand from her cheek, dropping his arm over his eyes in one fluid move as he dropped to his back. 

"Asuma…?" 

He merely grunted. 

"Asuma!" She all but yelled, sitting up in bed. 

He lifted his arm slightly to glance up at her before dropping it back over his eyes again, "Shikamaru came to see me today…"

"He beat you a shogi again?" She smiled, no matter how many revanches her lover got, Shikamaru would always win.

"We didn't play. He… Said he needed to tell me something…" 

Kurenai blinked. This man in her bed sounded less and less like the Asuma she knew, "What was it?"

"It was… Very personal. I don't think he'd like the idea of me telling someone. But… I was an ass to him." 

Now _this_ was surprising, "To Shikamaru? But he's like a son to you, isn't he? Or… A younger brother, at least…"

 _"Exactly."_

"Asuma, I don't understand any of this at all…" 

"It's… Never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's just get some sleep, okay? I'm exhausted." 

He turned away from her, effectively putting an end to the conversation.  
Kurenai shrugged and lay back down too, but it would be a long time before either of them would drift off to sleep. 

XOXOX

A/N Short, but I felt like I needed to put this in anyway. I can't deal with Asuma being only an ass for the whole story, so his guilt might just seep through to Shikamaru in time.  
Review, tell me what you think, should I keep the suspension or do you want me to have the two make up already? (since making out is obviously out of the question, hehe)


	14. Friends And Laughter

AUTHORS NOTE: Please read and review, reviews make me squeal like a fangirl! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 14: Friends And Laughter Make For The Best Medicine

XOXOX

Shikamaru Nara awoke to the scent of Kakashi Hatake once again, he was really starting to like this.  
This time around, though, he was laying on a futon wedged in between Kakashi´s bed and his desk. And Kakashi wasn´t here.

This was, however, pushed to the back of his mind as his bladder told him it needed emptying. So he got up and made his way to the only door the room held.  
On his second step, Shikamaru all but tripped because the pajama bottoms he was wearing belonged to Kakashi, and the man´s legs were a lot longer than his own. But Shikamaru didn't really have time to waste on that fact right now, so he grabbed hold of the fabric somewhere around his knees and pulled up.

Kakashi was busying himself making breakfast when he heard sounds coming from the bedroom.  
 _Ah, he´s up. Good, that means I won´t have to wake him._  
He continued his work on the stove, turning as he heard Shikamaru enter the small kitchen. 

"Sorry, I was looking for the bathroom…"

Kakashi only barely managed to contain his laughter at the sight of his young friend hunched over, pulling the legs of his borrowed pajama bottoms off the floor. He pointed behind him with his thumb, "Through there," Before doubling over in a fit of laughter.

Once Shikamaru had finished in the bathroom he returned to Kakashi's kitchen. It was sort of surprising to him how small this place was, being raised in the privileged confines of his own clan compound.  
But the jounin's apartment really had only three rooms , if you didn't count the hallway – which he didn't. Shikamaru walked through the apartment in his mind, entering trough the front door.

 _The door opened to a narrow hallway, spanning across the length of the apartment. There were only two doors coming up on the landing, both on the right. The first door opened to the kitchen.  
It was a tiny space, bit it seemed sufficient for Kakashi's needs. After moving into the kitchen, the fridge was directly on your right, with the stove next to it. The rest of the wall was taken up entirely by a narrow counter, the sink being against the far wall.  
There was a window above the counter, looking out onto the street below. A table with two chairs was set against the inner wall, Kakashi's bedroom being on the other side.  
Directly across from the door to the hall, there was another door on the far wall of the kitchen, leading to the bathroom. On the right, there were a shower and a bath; the toilet and sink were on the left._

 _Back in the hallway, the second door led to Kakashi's bedroom. The room itself was narrow, but actually quite long. The back wall was taken up entirely by a window, the windowsill somewhat deepened by a long plank running across the length of it. There were some books and two picture frames placed on top.  
Kakashi's bed was set against the left wall as you entered. The headboard sitting against the plank underneath the window. Kakashi's desk stood against the right, the inner wall, also by the window. A small bookcase stood next to it. _

He didn't know it yet, but Shikamaru would come to know this apartment well…

XOXOX

Kakashi plated the breakfast consisting of steamed rice, miso soup, tamagoyaki and broiled salted salmon before inviting his guest to sit down and eat. As they both did so, Kakashi noticed the fact that Shikamaru considerately kept his eyes on either his food, or out the window.

It was a situation many people in Konaha would dream of – his own Team Seven had even bought him ramen once, in an attempt to gaze upon the jounin's face. But Shikamaru made no such attempt.  
After he'd finished his meal and pulled the mask back up, Kakashi couldn't restrain himself any longer. 

"Thank you, Shikamaru."

"Eh?" The boy shot him a quizzical look. 

"For… Not sneaking a peek. Both here and that night we were drinking…." 

"You mean the night _you_ were drinking, I only had a couple sips," The Nara pulled a face, "I don't think I like the taste much though, so I shouldn't complain."

"What was that? Shikamaru Nara has found something he doesn't want to complain about? That must me a first!" The copy ninja joked, raising one eyebrow. 

It was the first time he'd seen a real smile on the boys face since long before their mission together.  
Kakashi thought it looked beautiful. 

"Yeah, it's a drag, but there you have it," the Nara grinned at him, negating his own words, "I'll help you clean up, but after that I should really go home. My dad'll be wondering where I was last night." 

"Yeah… Dads can be such a drag…" 

They both kept laughing as they cleared the table and put away the dishes.  
Shikamaru started to feel whole again…


	15. Past Tense, Present Times

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 15: Past Tense, Present Times

XOXOX

Iruka was on his way home after classes. He was trying to think about the questions for the pop quiz he'd planned for tomorrow, but his mind simply would not allow it.  
Images kept popping up in his head, images he'd really rather not see. His lunch break today had been a very informational one, the kind of info he could definitely do without.

 _Sakura…_ _ **likes**_ _him? I would've never thought… It_ _ **does**_ _mean she's not so hung up on Sasuke anymore, I suppose. I imagine that's a good thing… But I don't think I really like who she's replaced the boy with...  
Wait, is Sakura the kind of girl that only falls for unobtainable men? It sure seems like it… Oh for crying out loud, what is __**wrong**_ _with that girl? She's smart, pretty and she can definitely kick ass… She could have her pick of the chuunin and gennin in the village. Hell, even some jounin seem interested in that girl! Who would've thought, huh?... 'And she can definitely kick ass… ' Who said that again…?  
Raidou! That's who! I remember now, it was back at Kotetsu's birthday party in July. We were playing cards when she came in, and all the guys started drooling… Okay maybe not __**all**_ _the guys. I still see the little girl – well, until today I did – pretty sure Kakashi has the same problem, so that explains him… Shikamaru, but he never shows any interest in girls anyway… Whatever, most guys started to drool…  
Why can't I remember what Raidou said, exactly? Ugh, stupid brain, stop showing me pictures of my students getting hot and bothered at restaurants!  
Oh, that's right! He said 'Damn that girl's gotten hot! I'd like to see her get all hot and bothered over me! Although… She definitely kicks ass, too. Probably best to let her be, guys.'  
Okay… Now I remember why I didn't want to remember that… _

The sensei couldn't keep his mind from wandering as his feet calmly walked home. He didn't notice the people around him and didn't even stop to watch the children on the playground as he did every single day. Today, his mind was remembering children that had already grown up. 

_Naruto's gonna have a fit when he comes back. I don't think that boy will ever get over his crush on Sakura. No matter how many times she shoots him down, he keeps at it. Just like he never gives up on his dream to be Hokage.  
_ He looked up at the stone faces, Naruto's would be there someday too, he just knew it.  
 _But if she's got the hots for Asuma now… At least Sasuke was in the right age group! What the hell could she want with a thirty-year old guy?_

He hadn't noticed he'd arrived at his apartment, didn't notice until he heard the kettle. Without thinking he'd already set out a cup with some of his favorite tealeaves in it.  
 _I need to get my act together…_

XOXOX

"I really had a great time today, Shino. Thank you."

"You do not need to thank me, I had a very nice day as well, thanks to you."

It had gotten late again, and Sakura was once again wearing Shino's hoodie.  
 _I should really start remembering to bring a sweater or something,_ she mused, pulling at the loose threat again. The pair took their time walking through the Konaha streets. Unaware of the eyes watching their every move.

"You know, you really don't have to keep paying for me." 

"I want to."

"Okay… I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel obligated or something…" 

Sakura pulled a face, they'd been to three different restaurants in the last two days, and Shino had paid the bill on each visit. 

"Friends don't let friends go broke, you know," She said, poking the chuunin next to her in the ribs. 

"I will remember that" 

"Make sure you do, because next time, _I'm_ paying. Just giving you a heads-up," She winked. 

"Next time?" 

"Yes, next time. "

Shino felt content. Not only did Sakura say she wanted to hang out with him again, she'd also understood the insecurity in his voice as he's accidentally asked the question he'd been to afraid to ask. 

"I'm not just hanging out with you because of _\- you know_ \- you know. I like it." 

"Do you like me?" 

"Shino, you're my friend. Of course I like you!" 

_She does not understand the question. Do I need to rephrase it? I don't believe I have the courage to do so, however.  
_

"But if you're asking me if I _like,_ like you… " 

"I believe I am."

They'd stopped walking, and Sakura sat herself down on a bench on the side of the road. He moved to sit beside her and was relieved to find she did not move away from him.  
The kunoichi sat overlooking the water, thinking- _About what? She either does or she doesn't. Is it something woman have to think about?  
_

The sun had begun to set as they sat down, and Shino had waited patiently.  
The first stars had appeared in the night sky, and Shino had waited patiently.  
The moon showed herself, and still Shino waited. 

"You do not."

Sakura was startled by the sound of Shino's voice. He had sat quietly beside her for so long, she'd almost forgotten he was there. But it wasn't so much the fact that he spoke up as the tone in which he did. 

"Shino… " 

"Are you still in love with Sasuke?" 

"I- I don't know. I honestly don't know, Shino. I don't think I even know how being in love feels. I don't think I ever was in love with Sasuke, but- but I still have strong feelings for him. I mean, he _is_ my missing teammate, isn't he? And-" She was speaking too fast, stumbling over her words. Trying to convey every feeling she had and at the same time trying to justify it all. But Shino cut her off. 

"Was. He _was_ you're missing teammate. He is a rogue ninja now," He got up, walking away, "Keep the hoodie, I don't need it."


	16. Life Can Dish Out Sometimes

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay, sorry but there is a lot of hurt in this chapter; and not a whole lot of comfort.  
I feel sorry for Kakashi… :(  
I think I put down a pretty good Sakura here, though.  
Let me know what you think!  
Oh, and… Do I still need to warn you people for coarse language? If so, then there's swearing here, and name-calling… Stuff like that :P 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 16: Life Can Dish Out Sometimes

XOXOX

Kakashi Hatake sat back on his heels.  
 _So Shino is love with Sakura, huh? Love is certainly in the air, you'd think it was spring-time already instead of late fall… And to think I only followed them to see if Shikamaru had been found out… Which he has, by the way… I should've known Sakura heard more than she let on… Well, she_ _ **did**_ _have that blush on her face. I just chose to ignore it._

 _So this one's on me, too. Whoever decided_ _ **I**_ _would make a good sensei is an_ _ **idiot**_ _. I wish I could somehow talk to Iruka about all this,_ _ **he**_ _would know what to do. He always does. Damn this never-ending need for secrets! Damn this damned village! This shinobi life where no-one is free to choose their own path anymore.  
But I still love it. What a drag…_  
The copy ninja smirked to himself as he left his uncomfortable spot in the tree for the relative comfort of a wooden bench.

"Sakura, you're out late."

The pinkette looked up at the sound of her sensei's voice. "Kakashi-sensei!" A quick hand wiped at the tears that had stained her face; "So are you."

"True. May I sit?" 

The jounin pointed to the spot next to her. The spot where Shino had sat. The spot where she probably destroyed their budding friendship as well as a boy's heart. 

"Go ahead." 

"So… What keeps you out so late, tonight?" 

She tried a smile; "Oh, nothing."  
 _I only just ruined everything, that's all.  
_

"Sakura, you can tell your sensei. I promise I won't judge." 

_Yeah, right! Actually,_ _ **sensei**_ _I think all you ever do is judge people. You just do it silently, so people won't notice. And you're always reading that dumb book and you're a pervert, and you kiss other men and you- 'You know your own sensei best'.  
_ "It's nothing, really…"

Kakashi watched as his former student bit back tears. _  
'It's nothing, really,'_ _That means_ _ **big**_ _trouble. Poor girl, everything she ever does seems to turn out wrong…_ He reached into his vest, pulling out a handkerchief. 

"Here, if you're going to cry you might as well use this." 

"I am _not_ crying!"  
 _Basterd!  
_

"Okay, okay. Don't bite my head off. I'm only trying to help…"

Sakura scoffed, "What would _you_ know about it, anyway?!" 

That seemed to shut the jounin up. 

_Maybe I went too far, this time… I didn't mean to hurt him, or anything. It's just… I should apologize, right? Right. But I don't know what to say…. Hang on a minute! Why do_ _ **I**_ _have to be the one to apologize? What do_ _ **I**_ _have to say sorry for anyway?! 'Sorry that I've been thinking dirty thoughts about you all day, sensei' ? Hell no! No way!  
_

"I know I can keep a secret…" 

_Why does he sound so timid? I must've really hurt him. I should just apologize, already! At least for hurting him…  
_

"I'm sorry, sensei. It's just… I think I'm having a really bad day today." 

"Why don't you tell me about it?" 

_Because it's none of your business, you prick!  
_ "No, I'm fine now. But thank you."  
 _Hah, like I'd ever tell_ _ **you**_ _anything!  
_

The kunoichi got up. "Goodnight, sensei."

"Sakura," His tone was sharp, making the girl stop death in her tracks, "Shikamaru's secret is just that, a secret. Don't go blabbing about it to someone just because you're angry with me."

 _What the- Of all the things he could- That- that_ _ **sick son of a bitch**_ _! Like I would_ _ **ever**_ _!_ _ **  
**_ **"** Don't you mean _your_ secret, Kakashi-sensei?" 

Her back was turned toward him, he'd realized she'd get angry at his statement, but he never thought she'd shoot back like _this._ _She knows? But how…?  
_

"Excuse me?" 

"I know you're gay, sensei. It's the only possible explanation. The only answer that fits every question. You always said I was the smartest mind on team seven."  
 _Actually, it was Shino who figured it out, but oh well._

"Sakura…" 

"Forget it, sensei. I'm going home."

All that was left for the baffled jounin was to watch her walk away.

XOXOX

Shino stood out on the training field in the middle of the night. His insects were buzzing around him, waiting for instructions, but he couldn't really be bothered right now. 

_I should have never asked. It was my own fault. I already knew Sakura's heart still belongs to Sasuke. There is no changing that fact. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I improve, I will never be up to Sasuke's level.  
_ The insect-user didn't even know if he was talking about training or love anymore. 

_Now I think I know how Hinata must feel. Lonely._

XOXOX

 _She really is the brightest kunoichi of her year… And she hates me. I believe this is what they mean when they say 'I just got royally screwed'. By my own student, nonetheless. No wait, that just sounds wrong, heh. What a drag…  
_

_If only I had someone to talk to… It's been a while since I thought about that. I usually do just fine on my own. So I'll get through this alone as well. So, first things first, what's_ _ **really**_ _bothering me?  
What's bothering me is that I always seem to have do everything alone! Damnit!  
_

_She's just a kid, why the hell do I give a shit about how she feels about me?! Because I care for her… Damnit, I do.  
She's the only one left… I don't want her to hate me!  
_

His hitai'ite felt wet, Obito's eye was crying, and it wasn't belong before his own eye joined in.


	17. A Gods Sent

AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah… harsh language… Yada, yada, yada…|

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 17: A Gods Sent

XOXOX

The feel of a warm hand on his shoulder roused him from his uneasy slumber. 

"Kakashi, what are you doing sleeping out here on a bench?" 

The jounin blinked up at a frowning Iruka Umino.  
 _Is there a god that heard me? They sent me a friend. A gods sent. Iruka!  
_

"Kakashi!" The sensei forcefully shook his friend's shoulder, "Don't you know that you'll catch a cold sleeping like this?" 

_He's really here… I'm not still dreaming right? But his hand feels real…  
_

"Kakashi? Kakashi! What's wrong?"

Iruka was really getting worried now, it wasn't like Kakashi to sleep outside, and it _certainly_ wasn't like him to ignore Iruka this way.  
It wasn't like him to just start crying, either… 

"What's wrong?" Iruka sat down next to his friend, placing a hand on the jounin's shoulder. But Kakashi didn't talk. Eventually, Iruka gave up on trying to get his friend to talk for the moment. 

"Come on, let's get you inside, then." 

He was surprised how easy Kakashi complied.  
He led them to Kakashi's place, since it was closer and used his spare key to let them in.  
Once inside Kakashi went straight for the bedroom, curling himself up on the bed. 

_I wonder what happened to him, if only he'd_ _ **talk**_ _to me.  
_

"I'll make you some tea, okay?" 

No reply. Not that Iruka had particularly _expected_ one, but even a nod would have been nice. _Anything to show me there is a way out of this apathic state._

When Iruka returned with the tea, Kakashi had somehow managed to pull himself together, and was sitting up straight. Outwardly calm, the storm raging within the shinobi was no longer visible.  
The jounin could hear his friend's sigh of relief and almost chuckled. 

_I might_ _ **look**_ _better now, Iruka. But that doesn't mean all is well now. I wonder what your students manage to get away with if you're so easily fooled.  
_ He took the offered cup and watched Iruka pull out his desk chair. 

"You ready to talk, yet?" 

Kakashi blew on his tea to give himself something to do as he pondered the question. "Got a smoke?" 

"I didn't know you smoked! But no." 

"Figures." 

"Where'd you pick up _that_ habit, anyway?" 

"Been hanging around Asuma too long, I guess…" 

Kakashi winced as he heard his own mouth form the name he'd been trying to avoid.  
 _Bringing up Asuma means I gotta think about Shikamaru too, and I don't need the distraction right now. I have to choose my words more carefully. I can't very well wreck Shikamaru's life, just because I happen to be a bit down.  
_

"Asuma, huh? Oh, that reminds me – there's some gossip going around saying Sakura's got a thing for him." 

"Sakura?!"  
 _Please don't bring_ _ **her**_ _into this as well!  
_

Iruka told him the story he'd heard from his colleague. 

"Ah… She was probably with Shino, then." 

"You know more about this, Kakashi?" 

"I might…" 

"Care to share? 'Cause last _I_ checked, Sakura was still head over heels for Sasuke." 

"She is." 

"This isn't exactly what I call 'sharing', you know…" 

"I know."

Iruka sighted heavily, "Fine, then what _do_ you want to talk about?" 

"Why do you care so much?" 

"Because I'm your _friend_ , Kakashi, I care because I'm your _friend_!"  
 _If he keeps this up I think_ _ **I**_ _might start crying…  
_

"But you don't even know me…"

This was the day Iruka's life was thrown upside-down…

XOXOX

"So you're telling me I don't know you. After all these years of us being friends you tell me _I don't know you_?!" The chuunin was standing over his friend, literally yelling in his face.

"Please stop shouting, Iruka, and listen to me."

"Well, I'm sorry I'm upsetting you, mister-you-don't-know-me, but I think I'm perfectly entitled to _fucking shout right now_!"

"Fine, go ahead, get it of your chest. And let me know when you're done, so I can explain," Kakashi leaned back against the wall, ready to wait out Iruka's fit.

"Yeah, okay, fine. I'm done." 

"Already?" Kakashi couldn't help but see the humor in this. Iruka, red-faced and shaking.  
 _And that was just the intro… God I wish I had a smoke, right now…  
_

Iruka studied his long-time friend.  
 _Did I really not know him all this time? I don't know, he's clearly depressed again, but… I mean, I_ _ **know**_ _the guy! Although I_ _ **am**_ _wondering why the hell he's staring up at the ceiling like that!_

"You've always been a fan of ceilings, Kakashi?" 

"Huh?" 

"You've been staring at your ceiling for the last ten minutes… Something you admire there?" 

The copy ninja chuckled, "Actually, in a way… I guess. When you showed up it felt like a gods sent, so I guess I was kind of hoping for another one…" 

"I felt like a gods sent? Wow… What are you hoping for this time?" 

"Cigarettes."

"I should've known…"

XOXOX

"What do you really know about me, Iruka?" 

"Wasn't this conversation supposed to be about what I _don't_ know?" 

"Yes," Kakashi stared down at his cup before setting it aside to grab a cigarette. 

Iruka had actually gone down the store to get him a pack. _Surprising…_ Kakashi didn't feel like walking over to the kitchen for his matchbook so he made the signs for a small fire jutsu, inhaling deep when the cigarette caught fire. 

"You got an ashtray for that thing?" 

Kakashi waved vaguely towards the desk where Iruka found the item and handed it over. The jounin set the ashtray beside him on the bed and inhaled from his smoke again. 

"So what you _don't_ know about me… I guess the biggest thing is that I'm gay," He didn't look up at his friend, didn't want to see the look of disgust on his face.

"That's definitely… A big one…"  
 _Although I can't honestly say I'm that surprised…  
_

"Yeah…"

"Not that I really care, but if it's bothering you…?" 

Kakashi's eyes widened in shock, although he still did not look up to meet Iruka's gaze. 

"You don't?" 

"No, should I?" 

The silver-haired shinobi shrugged, "Guess not." 

"So… What? Did you get dumped?" 

The man on the bed barked a laugh, "No, no I didn't." 

"Then what?" 

"Sakura knows. And now she hates me." 

"You told her?"  
 _Before you ever told me?  
_

"No. She figured it out. Well… Shino probably did." 

_So that story about the restaurant held some merit? They were talking about Kakashi? 'Been hanging around Asuma too long, I guess' Was that… Meant as a confession? Is he… in love with Asuma? That's gotta be harsh, Kurenai and Kakashi have been friends for ages!  
_ Iruka cleared his throat, "So… at the restaurant… She and Shino were…" 

"They were talking about someone else." 

_Okay, so he's not in love with Asuma. That's kind of a relief, to be honest. They were probably poking fun at Kurenai or something, then.  
_ "Are you – you know, in love?" 

The mask covered his wry smile, "Why do you ask? Afraid it's you?"  
 _I've been down this road before, it's bendy and twisty, and it hurts like hell.  
_ He risked a quick glance at Iruka's face.  
 _I think I've seen tomatoes with less color…_

Iruka could feel his cheeks burn. His mouth opened and closed without a sound coming out. His mind was blank – this was just _too_ unreal!  
 _No way, right? You're my best friend, Kakashi. But there's no way I could go as far as 'boyfriend'._

"Never mind, don't think about it. I'm not in love with anyone." 

His heart almost broke but the lie slipped easily past his lips. _  
If I could just die now, that would be nice. Gods? Hello? Anyone? Strike me with your lighting or whatever flashy move you guys use nowadays. Nothing? Man, what a drag…  
_

"So, you're just upset because Sakura hates you?"  
 _That seems hard to believe, Sakura's never had much faith in her sensei…  
_

"It's not just that, it's –" The jounin sighted, "It's _everything,_ " He mumbled, lighting another cigarette.

 _Everything. That's a lot. I wonder what Kakashi's 'everything' is…  
_ "Okay, so let's take it one thing at a time, then. What's the first thing?" 

"Iruka, don't bother." 

"I _will_ bother, you're my friend, Kakashi, and you're obviously in pain. So if there's anything I can do to help, I will."

Kakashi winced as the words he'd spoken to Shikamaru were now bounced back at him by Iruka. His voice did not rise above a whisper as he said, "But you can't." 

"Kakashi –"

"Iruka!" The copy ninja looked up for the first time, a fire burning in his usually so calm eye, "Back off!" 

The chuunin was so startled by the sudden fit of anger his friend displayed his chair almost toppled over backwards. But the desk was still there, so all he managed was a loud thud. 

"I'm sorry, Iruka. I didn't mean to yell at you. But it's not _my_ secret I'm holding onto anymore at this point…" 

"I see... But if it hurts you this much, Kakashi, shouldn't you-" 

"It hurts _him_ more."  
The copy ninja interrupted before he lit yet another smoke.  
 _At this pace I'm gonna run out before I even manage to calm down._

"Kakashi… You're the one I see before me now, and it's really hard to imagine anyone being in more pain than you seem to be at this point," Iruka interjected, "Besides, you don't have to tell me names if you don't want. And I won't ask questions either. Just talk, get it of your chest and I promise I'll have forgotten all about it before I even leave this room."

"Iruka…?" 

"Yes?" 

"You're an idiot. A well-meaning idiot, but still an idiot." 

"Was that supposed to be a vote of confidence? Because I think you might've messed up…"

But the tension was broken, Kakashi was slowly returning back to normal. And as Iruka left the apartment, he could've sworn his friend's smile was sincere again.


	18. When Faced With The Unthinkable

AUTHORS NOTE: You guys…. I can't tell you how difficult it has been to write this chapter, but I'm afraid to say it was necessary for the story to unfold. I _will_ fix this, though, I promise!  
Please read and review, tell me what you think! Reviews make me squeal like a fangirl!  
Oh and… warnings… uh, harsh language, adult themes, homophobic tendencies…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 18: When Faced With The Unthinkable, Simply Run Away

XOXOX

Asuma awoke to an empty bed and sounds coming from the kitchen. 

_She's up already… So she's either been called to the Hokage, or she's mad at me, because I_ _ **know**_ _she doesn't have a mission scheduled for today. And if the Hogake wanted to see her, she wouldn't be making such an elaborate breakfast.  
_

He winced as a loud bang emanated from the kitchen. _She wouldn't be making such a ruckus, either. So Kurenai is mad at me… What did I do_ _ **this**_ _time?_

He groaned as flashes from last night's conversation drifted into his still sleep-dazed mind.  
 _Right… I told her I was an ass to Shikamaru without explaining anything else…  
_

"If you're awake, you can get out!" 

_Oh yeah, she's_ _ **so**_ _pissed right now…_

"Kurenai, please –" 

His sentence was cut short as the woman he loved with all his heart appeared in the doorway, "Don't bother. Just get dressed and get out. Don't let the door hit you in the ass, you ass," And with that, she turned away again.

 _Phew, I don't think I've_ _ **ever**_ _seen her so ticked off before… But I guess she's right, though. I've been a complete asshole to my favorite student, to the little brother I never had.  
Which, if anything, makes his confession even more disgusting… No, wait. It's clear now that he's never seen me as a big brother…  
_

Asuma pondered about this some more while he got dressed as quickly as he possibly could. He didn't say another word to Kurenai as he left, knowing it would only serve to upset his girlfriend more. After he'd closed the door and walked out onto the street he reached for a cigarette, only to discover he'd left his pack on the night stand at Kurenai's.  
 _No way I'm going back there now, I'll just buy new ones._

As Asuma ducked into the nearest convenience store he almost bumped up against Iruka, who was – strange as it may sound – buyng the same item _he_ needed to get. 

"Iruka! Since when do _you_ smoke?"  
 _The perfect role model schoolteacher smokes? That's got to be one of the most well-kept secrets in Konoha!  
_

"Oh, but they're not for me," Iruka replied as he handed over the cash, "Kakashi asked me to get them for him." 

The schoolteachers little secret had been a welcome diversion for Asuma, the truth was another matter entirely. "Kakashi? What happened? The only times I've ever seen _him_ smoke were always when something really bad had just happened. Like when Sasuke left, or when Lord Third died…"

Iruka stepped aside to let the jounin make his purchase, "I'm not really sure yet, I found him sleeping outside but he wouldn't talk about it unless he had these," He held up the cigarettes, "I'm going back over now, I'll let you know when there's something to tell, okay?" 

The bearded man nodded before accepting his change. When he turned back to Iruka, the man was gone.  
 _Iruka's got it. I should just focus on my own problems.  
_ Walking back out the store, he lit one of his new cigarettes. Walking around aimlessly as he let his mind wander.

 _So… Shikamaru told me he's in love with me… I should've handled that better, I suppose. But the whole thing is gross either way you look at it. And the way_ _ **he**_ _looked at_ _ **me**_ _…_ The man shivered.  
 _That was just too disgusting for words…  
_

_I mean, if it'd been_ _ **Ino**_ _…Tthat would've still been bad, I guess, but I could've let her down gently, distanced myself from her for a while. It would've been okay in the end.  
_

_But Shikamaru's a_ _ **guy**_ _, for god's sake!_ _ **I'm**_ _a guy. In a way, I probably did him a favor reacting the way I did. He's got to realize that it's_ _ **wrong**_ _. He's still young, he could change those perverted ways. All he has to do is try. He just has to try to like girls again and everything'll be fine.  
_

_I'm sure he just made a mistake. Taking feelings of brotherly love and thinking that was love like I love Kurenai. That is was_ _ **romantic**_ _love.  
I'm sure that's it. He's still just a kid, he just made a mistake, that's all._

XOXOX

The jounin hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, but suddenly he _did_ realize where he'd ended up. 

_This is our old training ground. Back from when they were all still rookies.  
_ He smiled briefly at the many fond memories this place held. 

_I remember that one time when they'd gotten here early… They set up an ambush of some kind… Wasn't it something to do with kunai…? That's right, I accidentally activated their trap and this whole bunch of kunai came flying at me!  
_

_Shikamaru was the one that'd planned it all out, of course. Although I'm willing to bet anything Ino put the boys up to it.  
_

_And then I couldn't dodge all of them, and I had like three kunai sticking out of me. Choji was crying, and Ino was yelling at me like, 'Why didn't you dodge them?!' feeling all guilty.  
And Shikamaru… He was looking at me with that weird look on his face… He still looked bored, Shikamaru always looks bored, but there was something else…  
I remember I couldn't quite put my finger on it back then. I thought he was just feeling a bit ashamed for ambushing his sensei like that. But now I wonder if it wasn't something else entirely…?  
_

Violently shaking his head, the jounin banned these thoughts out of his mind. Only to find it didn't work… 

_He's always got this specific look in his eyes, every time he looks at me. But when did it start…?  
Ugh, does it really __**matter**_ _at this point? Maybe. If it's a recent thing that could mean he's right, right? That he's in love with me? Which would be wrong. Very wrong.  
_

_I can't imagine having to work with a guy that likes to look at naked men. That's just gross, I'd never feel safe around 'm.  
I mean, say I get hurt or something, and I have to be carried out. Would I want the guy carrying me to be thinking about what's under my clothes? Would I want this guy to put his hands on me? To strip my clothes off and bandage my wounds?  
Ugh, I gotta stop thinking about this or I'm gonna throw up!_

 _I wonder what Kakashi's problem is…Maybe Shikamaru told him too and now he's just as grossed out as I am. I mean… it's_ _ **obvious**_ _Kakashi's as straight as they come. Even down to his stupid books._ _ **I'd**_ _even go red in the face if I were to read that.  
I wonder if Shikamaru's just going around to all of us to see if he can't get himself a – __**a boyfriend**_ _. Yuck, that's gross!  
I wonder if he's been to Iruka, too. I hope he did, and that he got a good long lecture out of it. Iruka's good with words, he should be able to straighten the boy out. _

_Damnit! I_ _ **know**_ _I'm hungry but this whole mess is just so disgusting I can't even_ _ **think**_ _about food right now!  
_

Walking back to the village, Asuma emptied his cigarette pack in record time. Trying his best to ignore the thoughts that were endlessly running through his mind. He needed to be able to stomach his breakfast in a little while.

XOXOX

A/N: Don't forget to tell me what you think!


	19. Respite

AUTHORS NOTE: So…. Harsh language, ya gotta know that by now…  
Please R&R, makes me happy! :D 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 19: Respite

XOXOX

' _It hurts_ _ **him**_ _more' Is that even possible, though?  
_ Iruka mused as he nurtured his bowl at Ichi Raku Ramen. 

_I honestly don't think I've ever seen anyone look as bad as Kakashi did back there.  
So Kakashi is officially gay, huh, no wonder we never managed to get him a girlfriend. But the part about him not being in love, somehow I just don't buy it. He's got this… whatchamacallit… __**something**_ _anyway, and I don't buy it.  
_

_So… Guys Kakashi hangs out with… Doesn't he pretty much hang with everyone nowadays? Well, I guess that won't help me much then. Although… Maybe… Kakashi doesn't seem like the type to hang around his crush too much. I mean, he's trying to hide all that, right?  
_

_So… guys Kakashi_ _ **doesn't**_ _hang out with… Hmm, that's kinda tricky I suppose. I just established he hangs out with pretty much everyone…  
_

XOXOX

 _Thirteen. That seems to by my limit for now… But that's improvement, nonetheless. I only managed to split my shadow-stitching into eleven last month…  
_

"Shikamaru!" Shikaku called out to his son, "You've been practicing since the sun came up! At least come in and have lunch with me!"

"Okay, dad!" Shikamaru released the jutsu and started to walk back to the house. 

_So, I can stitch it into thirteen directions now…One for each leg, plus another two to hold his arms – no, make that_ _ **two**_ _on each leg, upper_ _ **and**_ _lower. Two for the arms, one over the chest, another to hold the hips in place, that makes eight total. Gives me five more to work with… One for penetration, no,_ _ **two.**_ _Oral too. One on each nipple and the last one… Hmmm… Oh yeah…  
_ The boy unconsciously licked his lips at the mental image.  
 _Think Asuma would like it if I talked dirty? He's got a dirty mouth himself. Ah, a dirty mouth that would feel_ _ **so**_ _good –_

 __"Shikamaru?" The elder Nara's head popped out of the kitchen, "Don't just stand there, take your shoes off and come in." _  
_

_Fuck! Am I blushing? I think I am… Did he notice? Idiot, dad always notices_ _ **everything.**_ _  
_

Walking into the spacious kitchen he found his dad had gone wild again, it was a little known fact that the head of the Nara clan liked to cook. And Shikaku not only liked it, he was _good_ at it. So when Shikamaru walked in, he found the table overflowing with almost enough food to feed the entire clan. 

"Come on, son. Sit, eat! You have to keep up your strength when you want to train!" 

Shikamaru sighed, his father's notions about food were such a drag… "Yes dad."

They'd shared a tasty meal, talking about training, jutsu and other subjects Shikamaru secretly labeled as 'safe'. But now his father was making tea. And the boy knew this meant the man had something more serious he wanted to discuss with his son. _What a drag…  
_

Shikaku's back was turned to the table and his son, "Dad, I really should get back to training…" Shikamaru was already getting up to leave, but was stopped by his father's voice. 

"No, Shikamaru. I know training is important, but I need to talk to you." 

_Oh well, it was worth a shot…_  
"Okay dad… What is it?"

Shikaku brought the two cups over to the table, sitting down across from his son, "I want you to tell me what happened on your last mission, son. And I don't mean the mission report."

"Dad…"  
 _This is going to be bad. Please, I don't want to talk about it, dad. Can't you see that?_

"Something happened to you over there, Shikamaru. You're not the same as when you left."

"Dad, can we _please_ not talk about this?"  
 _I don't want to have to lie to you. I don't want to turn into Kakashi and lie to everyone, but mostly I don't ever want to have to lie to you._

 __"What happened to you over there, son? What happened that was so bad you couldn't even come home when you got back. That you _still_ don't want to talk to me?" 

"I already told you, I was with Kakashi and it got late. So I just spent the night on his spare futon." 

_Please let that be enough, dad! Please! That way I don't have to lie to you, don't you see? That's why I've been avoiding you, please don't ask anymore!  
_

The older man cleared his throat, "Shikamaru, I know Kakashi is a good guy. But I just don't understand how you suddenly stayed the night at his place when you've never really been friends…" 

_Okay, okay… So I still don't have to lie… That's good. Thanks for leaving me a way out, dad, seriously.  
_

"We just got talking on the mission, is all. You're right, he's a good guy." 

"So you two are friends now?" 

"I guess." 

_What else do you call the guy that knows and understands your deepest secret? The man that watches the stairs for you when you jerk off? A perv. You call this man a pervert because he was listening in and he said he wanted to watch…  
_

"We still haven't talked about that though…" The boy mumbled to himself, unaware his father was listening. 

"So you stay at his place instead of coming home after being away for almost three weeks and you haven't even agreed whether or not you're friends yet?" 

"Dad…" _  
This is just_ _ **such**_ _a drag… Leave me alone, already!  
_

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're friends. So does that mean Kakashi's the one that pulled you out of that dark hole you'd been sulking in?" 

"I wasn't sulking, dad… I just… I needed some time to think. But yeah, I talked it over with Kakashi."

Shikaku emptied his cup before getting up to pour them both another drink, "Son, I don't pretend to understand even half of the things that are going through your mind, but I'm glad you found someone you can talk to." 

"Me too, dad."  
 _Oh thank god, I'm done now. He won't ask anymore now. I can just enjoy my tea this time, chat a bit more. Go back to training after. If I can create more shadows I could even use props, that could be fun…_

 __"So, now that you seem to be feeling better… What did Kakashi have to say about your love life?"

 _What?! No! He can't do this!  
_ The younger Nara's head snapped up, his glare piercing as he nearly growled, "Dad! What the hell!"

"Oh, come on Shikamaru! You don't have to be embarrassed about it. You're at that age, it's only natural. So, who's the lucky lady?" 

Shikamaru glared at him over his tea.  
 _Dad… I am_ _ **so**_ _gonna kill you!  
_

"Son, come on, I won't tell anyone. Oh, is it Ino?" 

"Dad…!" 

"No, you're right, I shouldn't get my hopes up. Sakura then? She's grown up to be very pretty girl and a fine kunoichi." 

"Dad!" 

"You know, Shikamaru, when I met your mother – " 

"Dad! Shut up, okay? Just _shut up_!" 

The boy had gotten out of his seat, leaning over the table with his hands spread on the wood. His face was red with both embarrassment and anger. His breath quick and shallow. 

"You say _anything_ more, and I'm gonna fucking _hit_ you!"

XOXOX

 _I told Iruka and Iruka doesn't care! It doesn't bother him. Iruka doesn't mind!  
_ Kakashi had to suppress the urge to hum as he made his way to Hogake Tower. There'd been a lot of bad things happening lately, but right now he wouldn't let _any_ of that spoil his good mood. Dealing with the – most likely hung-over – Hokage first thing in the morningwas already hard enough as it was. He didn't really need the extra baggage…

" 'Morning, Kakashi."

" 'Morning, Genma."  
 _Damn, how could_ _ **anyone**_ _look so sexy so early In the morning?_

"Kakashi," a slight nod. 

" 'Morning, Raidou. Drink too much last night?" 

The jounin squinted at him, "Dunno, is six bottles much? I can't really tell…" 

The copy ninja had just opened his mouth to give some amused consolation when a green flash appeared before him. Whirling around on its toes, it yelled "Good morning to you, my eternal rival!" 

"Gai," Kakashi nodded, "I really don't have time for one of your challenges, right now. I've been summoned to Lady Hokage's office." 

He carefully walked around the green whirlwind that was Maito Gai and began climbing the steps to said office.  
Behind him, Kakashi could hear that his 'eternal rival' had stopped spinning and was now complaining that the rest of the world should stop spinning as well. It made the silver-haired man smile, Gai would never change.

Up in the Hokage's office, he received his mission scroll for a B-rank escort mission, and the orders to pick out his own team. He got a list of available shinobi and was to return his team assembly by five o'clock.

The Hokage was _definitely_ hung-over if she didn't bother with the details, but Kakashi didn't mind, he preferred getting the chance to pick his own team, anyway, and who needed long briefings in the early morning?

Leaving the office, his eyes searched the scroll, looking for a certain name…


	20. The Ties That Bind

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R, I love getting reviews!  
Also, there aren't really any warnings for this chapter, for those of you keeping track of that :P

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 20: The Ties That Bind

XOXOX

Shikaku looked at his son in shock. He wasn't so much angry with Shikamaru for shouting and threatening him as much as he was surprised. But the anger was definitely starting to well up as the original shock dissipated.

However, Shikaku would never have become jounin commander if he let his actions be dictated by his emotions, so he took a breath before using his most calming tone with his over-heated son. 

"Shikamaru, sit down and act like the shinobi you are," He watched as the boys anger deflated. The teenager sat back down, sheepishly looking at the cup he'd knocked over.

"That's better. Now, what got you so riled up that you felt the need to threaten your own father?" 

The boy did not reply. Did not even move. 

_What is this? Shikamaru has never yelled at me before, I always thought he just couldn't be bothered to care much about what I said. But this… I think something's wrong. Terribly wrong.  
_

"Shikamaru, this isn't just about me teasing you about girlfriends, is it?" 

Still no reply. Still no reaction whatsoever. 

"Did you talk to Kakashi about whatever it is that's bothering you so much?" 

This time, he could decipher a barely noticeable nod.  
 _Well, at least we're making some progress._

"Did it help?" 

Again his sons head bobbed just barely. 

"Can you talk to me about it?" 

A violent shake this time.  
 _Well, that made it abundantly clear…_

The Jounin sighted, a wry smile on his lips, "Want me to go get Kakashi?"

XOXOX

Just as the copy ninja set foot upon the Nara clan's grounds the sky, that had been grey all day, started to weep.

 _I_ _ **really**_ _hope that's not supposed to be some sort of bad omen…_

XOXOX

"Shino, focus! This is an important clan jutsu!" 

"I'm sorry, father. I find I'm having trouble concentrating on my chakra right now." 

They were standing in the middle of the Aburame's private training grounds. Shino had always found it comforting just to _be_ here, but right now this place only reminded him of Sakura. To be fair, at this point in time _everything_ reminded the young shinobi of Sakura. 

"All right. I know a lost cause when I see one. Let's sit down on that tree over there," Shibi pointed at a tree that had fallen over in the storms that had raged the village the previous year. "I want you to tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

Shino sat down next to his father, taking a moment to gather his thoughts, "I believe I have feelings for a girl," He said softly; "But when I spoke to her about it, she rejected me." The young man startled as a warm hand was placed on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Shino. Rejection is a thing every man must face in his life, but it is never an easy experience. Might I inquire as to the name of this girl?" 

Shino nodded, "It's Sakura." 

_Father will not laugh at me, even though most probably would. After all, it is ridiculous to fall for a girl that not only has been in love with someone else for years, but is also someone you have hardly interacted with. Excluding the last few days…  
_

"Sakura Haruno? She studies medical ninjutsu under lady Tsunade, doesn't she?" 

"She does."

"She's a pretty girl."

"Indeed."  
 _Very pretty. And fun to be around, only not so much when she's rejecting you…  
_

"I'm sorry, son."

"Me too."

XOXOX

"Kakashi! Just the man I wanted to see!" 

The silver-haired shinobi gulped, it was hardly ever a good thing when the commander wanted to see you… 

"I am at your disposal, Shikaku" 

Kaashi was surprised to see a small smile tug at the corner of the Nara's mouth, "Good, because Shikamaru needs you." 

_Shikamaru? What happened_ _ **this**_ _time?  
_

"I'm sorry, Kakashi," The older man sounded wistful, "I pushed him too hard." 

"Pushed him?"  
 _Did Shikamaru tell him? Is he apologizing because he knows both our truths now?  
_

"He is my son. I wanted to help him get through whatever was eating at him, so I pushed. But he only wants to talk to you." 

There was pain in that last statement, the pain of a father who had just realized he could not help his own son. Knowing someone else _could_ made it all the more painful.  
Kakashi sighed as he realized all these things. Realized _he_ was the one who _could_ help Shikamaru, and thus partly responsible for Shikaku's pain.  
 _I wouldn't blame him if he hated me for that…_

"I'll go talk to him. Where is he?" 

"Kitchen," Shikaku pointed his thumb at the house behind him, "If not, he's probably in his room. Third door on the right." 

Kakashi voiced his thanks for the directions and set about finding Shikamaru. All thoughts of his upcoming mission dissipated from his mind. 


	21. The Important Decisions

AUTHORS NOTE: Yay for teenage angst xD  
Oh and some bad language… As pretty much always, hehe  
Please R&R, or drop me a note if you want.

I love all you guys, and I _really_ love reviews *hint hint*

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 21: The Important Decisions Are The Hardest Ones To Make 

XOXOX

"Sakura? Lunch is ready, are you going to come down today?" 

_No. I'm going to stay in my room. Leave me alone!  
_

"I'm not hungry, mom. I need to study!" 

_Not that I'm doing much of_ _ **that**_ _right now. Didn't do any yesterday, either. And the day before yesterday I left the library because I couldn't concentrate. And before that there was the mission… Lady Tsunade is going to scold me for this… And yet… Somehow I can't even bring myself to care about_ _ **that**_ _.  
_

_Kakashi-sensei is gay. Shikamaru is gay. Shikamaru is in love with Asuma-sensei. Shino is in love with me. I ruined everything I could have had with Shino because I was in a bad mood. And then I went and ruined everything I already_ _ **had**_ _with Kakashi-senei – whatever that was…. I am going to stay in my room until I die here. If I never see any of those guys again that would be too soon!  
_

_But then why do I feel so guilty? And why do I want to go chasing after them? Apologize? Pff, even_ _ **if**_ _I were to go and apologize to each one of them, I doubt they would ever forgive me. And as far as apologizing goes… I don't even know where to_ _ **start**_ _. With_ _ **whom**_ _I should start! And I still can't believe I heard Shikamaru do… private things. Argh! I can't even_ _ **think**_ _the word. Oh, how am I_ _ **ever**_ _going to make this right again…?  
_

_I can never talk to Kakashi-sensei again, can I? I really hurt him the other day, I know it. I'm sure he hates me now… I would hate me, too… Actually, I think I_ _ **do**_ _hate myself. If I could only find a way to make up with Kakashi-sensei… But if he hates me so much, there is no way I'll even be able to talk to him! Next time he sees me he's probably going to use his Chidori to send me to kingdom come. Oh, well probably not… Sakura! It's no use just_ _ **thinking**_ _about these things. Either do something about it or give up! Oh… I_ _ **wish**_ _I could give up…_

XOXOX

The kitchen was empty, except for two empty teacups on the table – one had been knocked over. 

_That must've been Shikamaru's. I wonder what exactly happened here. Oh well, I'm probably about to get the whole story from the kid, anyway. Okay, so where do I go again? Third door on the right, was it? Let's see… It should be this one, then._

The jounin was sure he had the right door when his knock was answered with _'Get the hell out!'  
_ Shrugging, he decided to ignore the comment and pushed the door open. 

He was immediately greeted by a kunai, flying straight at his head. Though he was surprised, Kakashi also was a well-trained shinobi, so the kunai was caught without doing any damage. But the message was quite clear. Even so, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. This had become an all too familiar sight: The young Nara sitting on a bed, curled up like a little kid, crying. The jounin quickly walked over to the bed, softly setting himself beside the crying boy. Without a word, he simply threw an arm around the small frame and hugged his young friend close to his chest.

"You smell like Kakashi…" 

_Wow, that must be the weirdest greeting I've_ _ **ever**_ _gotten… And I've heard a lot of them!  
_ "That's because it's me" 

"Kakashi!" The boy shot back from him, "I – Dad, he- I'm sorry…" 

"Something in particular you're sorry about? Or just sorry?"  
 _I have to know. Did you tell him, Shikamaru? Did you tell Shikaku about me?  
_

"Just… Sorry, I guess… Sorry you have to come rescue me again." 

_Seems he didn't. Phew… That's a relief…  
_ "You don't have to be sorry, I'm happy to help. Although I don't really have a clear picture of what I'm supposed to be helping you _with_ right now…" 

"I'm actually not sure…" Shikamaru finally looked up at him, tears still streaming down his face. He didn't seem to care anymore, though. Apparently the boy had decided he didn't have to be ashamed of his tears anymore, or maybe he was just too upset to care. 

"Why don't you start by telling me what happened?"

XOXOX

"So your dad figured out about half of what's up, huh? I gotta hand it to Shikaku, nothing seems to get by _him_." 

"He didn't realize it was- _you_ know, " Shikamaru gestured something, "I mean, that's kind of the most important part, isn't it?" 

"No… I don't think so. I think the most important part is that you're in love. Whoever this person is doesn't matter as much. Even if the exact identity is a bit of an obstacle. Wait, Shikamaru, are you afraid someone's listening? Because if you're not, and this is just you being- I don't know, then I'd really like to not have to come up with synonyms all the time," The jounin winked at his friend, trying to take the sharp edges off what he'd just said.

"There's always someone around. This is a clan compound, Kakashi. But I guess you're right, I'm probably over-reacting. It's just… If anyone finds out I'm dead." 

Kakashi raised his eyebrows at the Nara's last statement, "Is it really _that_ bad?"

"Probably not. But I know my dad would love nothing more than for me to marry Ino, with Sakura coming in as a close second. But you know, even if I weren't – you know - not _interested,_ living with Ino would be a drag, and Sakura… I mean she's nice and all… But…" 

"Yeah, she's never going to give up on Sasuke," The man tensed, " I can use that name around you, right? You're not going to freak on my for saying that?" 

Shikamaru blinked, "Why the hell would I? Does Sakura 'freak on you' when you say Sasuke's name? Man, that must be a drag!" 

"Like you wouldn't believe, Shikamaru, like you _wouldn't believe!_ " The silver-haired shinobi sighed, "But… We weren't talking about Sakura _or_ Sasuke now. We were talking about you."  
He pointed at his young friend, "And I have a question to ask you."

He watched as Shikamaru shifted uncomfortably, "What is it?" 

"How would you feel about telling your dad?"

XOXOX

 _Kakashi-sensei,  
I'm sorry I __insulted yelled at_ _hurt you_ _the other day_ _  
I wanted to apologize for what I said  
Can we just go back to being  
_ _Could we please talk?  
I feel __awful_ _really bad_ _about what I said_

"This is _never_ going to work!" 

The pink-haired kunoichi growled to herself. She'd been thinking of a way to apologize to Kakashi-sensei. But sure as she was he wouldn't want to talk to her, she'd decided to write him a note. So now her entire room seemed to be filled with scraps of paper, some torn up, others simply had all the words scratched out. 

_This isn't going to work, is it? Nothing I say is going to make him change his mind about me, anyway. I might as well just give up…_

XOXOX

Shikaku Nara was pacing back and forth. It was such an unfamiliar sight, most of the clan had come out to watch him. Not that he noticed, his mind was wandering between the conversation he'd shared with his son and the possibilities of the conversation his son was now having with Kakashi Hatake. Not wanting to make it seem like he was eavesdropping, Shikaku had remained outside as Kakashi went in to talk to his son. Which meant he was pacing like crazy up and down the road. Until he finally realized he was being watched… Coming to an abrupt halt, the jounin commander turned to his fellow clan-mates. 

"What the _hell_ do you think you're looking at?!" 

His tone was so angry, his stare so fierce that the men and woman did not dare look at him. One by one they slipped away, scattering to go about their own business. Wondering what had their clan leader so riled up. It would be the source of gossip for a long time to come.

XOXOX

"Tell my dad?! Kakashi, have you _finally_ gone completely crazy?" 

"No… I actually did that yesterday." 

Shikamaru watched as the jounin's eye crinkled.  
 _What the fuck is he on about? Did he finally crack under the pressure? Is that_ _ **my**_ _fault?  
_

"I'm serious, Kakashi!" 

"So am I." 

The young Nara stayed quiet for a long while, his mind busy playing every possible scenario. There were quite a few with bad outcomes – some were _really_ bad. But somehow he couldn't escape the fact that – if he really knew his father the way he thought he did – this might not even be such a bad idea. Still…

"And tell him what exactly?" 

"Whatever you want to tell him."

"Kakashi… I- I don't think I can…"  
 _It's too hard, I can't possibly do this!  
_

"I did…" 

Shikamaru's head snapped up. He stared at the jounin intently for several minutes. 

"Did _what_ exactly…?" 

Kakashi had a sad smile on his face as he explained, "Well, I didn't tell my _father_ exactly, that would be pretty impossible, huh? But I _did_ tell Iruka. He's always been a good friend of mine and when he plucked me off that bench I'd been sleeping on-" 

"Hold on! You were sleeping on a bench? Who the hell kicked _you_ out? You live alone!" 

"Right… Shikamaru, you missed a couple things… Allow me to enlighten you. But you have to promise me one thing, though; You stay _calm_. _Think_ before you act. All right?"

And so the copy ninja relayed all that had happened to his comrades while Shikamaru was busy dealing with his own problems. He told the boy about the rumor that had started with Shino and Sakura in the restaurant, told him about how he'd sat in a tree when Sakura had rejected the Kekkaichu-handler. Repeated every word of the conversation he'd had with Iruka.

As the story went on, Shikamaru became white as a sheet. He hadn't realized any of this even _could_ happen, let alone the fact that it _did_. 

"So now you think Sakura hates you? Just because you're-" He looked around sheepishly, unwilling to finish his sentence.

"It's okay, Shikamaru. You can say it. I actually think it's been quite a relief." 

"Is that why you're trying to get me to talk to my dad?" Suspicion had crept into the young man's voice, "Because if you recall, last time I tried to tell someone it didn't exactly go over very well…" 

Kakashi shrugged, "Yes, well that was the subject of your affection. That never went too well for me, either. And if I'd known you were gonna go and tell him, I would've tried to stop you. But the thought never crossed my mind because you were so adamant that he should never find out. So…" 

Shikamaru remained quiet, thinking about everything he'd just been told. And how any of that would affect his chances of getting through to his father. He felt sorry for both Shino and Sakura, understanding quite well what each of them would be going through right now. He felt like a selfish prick for not noticing his friends were in trouble. That's when he realized something. 

"Kakashi… You said you think Sakura hates you."

"I did. I do." Shikamaru could hear the suffering in his friends voice. 

_That's gotta hurt. He's always adored each member of his team. But first Sasuke leaves, then Naruto goes off to train with Jiraiya, Sakura starts working with Tsunade. But at least she was still in the village. And now he feels like she must hate him… But he's wrong. I know he's wrong.  
_

"Kakashi, I don't think you know Sakura well enough to realize this… But I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate you, or even thinks it's wrong or disgusting for that matter. I'm sure she's thinking about a way to make it up to you again. I'm sure _she_ thinks you hate _her."  
_

This time, it seemed it was Kakashi's turn to stay silent for a while. The jounin stared at a spot on the wall for almost ten minutes, and when he finally spoke his voice was so quiet Shikamaru had to strain his ears to hear him. 

"Please tell me you're not just saying that to make me feel better…" 

"Trust me, I'm not. I spent years at the academy studying my classmates, focusing on Iruka-sensei was too much of a drag for me. I know how they think, all of them. Sakura doesn't hate you, she's afraid you hate _her._ " He took a deep breath, "Do you still want me to talk to my dad? Because I think I might be able to – if you're there with me." 

"Shikamaru, I thought I told you once before: I will do anything I can do to help. And if that includes coming out to Shikaku Nara, then so be it."


	22. There But For The Grace Of Dad

AUTHORS NOTE: Please give me a review, I can promise you that would totally make my day!  
Harsh language again…. And the start of a long, long arc in which Kakashi has… issues. I won't give anything else away here. Please let me know what you think, though. 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 22: There But For The Grace Of Dad

XOXOX

The three men had gathered around the Nara kitchen table.  
Shikamaru felt relieved his mother wasn't here; she was out visiting an old friend and probably wouldn't be back before dark. 

_Meaning I could pack my bags and be out the door before she ever comes home if need be. If I get kicked out, I won't have to face her…_

"Dad, what I'm about to tell you needs to stay strictly between us, okay?" 

"You've already said that, Shikamaru, three times…" 

"You _can't_ tell mom"

"Shikamaru," Kakashi leaned his elbows on the table as he looked at the frightened boy beside him, "Dragging things out like this only makes them scarier for everyone."

"Yeah, I know… But the whole thing is such a drag… I don't want to have to talk about it…"

Across the table, Shikaku was watching the exchange with a carefully constructed, blank face. The jounin commander still had no idea what his was all about, but he could easily see that Kakashi seemed to be every bit as anxious as his son was. 

_So what does he_ _ **really**_ _have to do with all this? Is he just nervous for Shikamaru's sake, or is it something more?  
_

Shikaku saw his son look up at the older man, his eyes begging for the jounin to take over for him. But Kakashi leaned back, his entire posture told Shikamaru this was something he needed to do himself. 

The boy's father couldn't help but feel a little relieved, whatever it was, he'd much rather it be his own son that told him. Kakashi'd always been a good guy, and while Shikaku liked him well enough and was grateful for his help on Shikamaru's part, he still knew that whatever uncomfortable truth would be coming his way it would be much easier to deal with it if it came from his own son.  
Shikaku took a sip of his tea and continued to wait…

 _Okay… I was wrong. There is_ _ **no**_ _way I can do this. Dad's gonna kill me! No, he'll probably kill Kakashi first… What a drag… What the hell am I gonna do?! I wouldn't even know how to start! Kakashi, help me out here, man. Please. I just don't know how I'm gonna do this. Please. Help…_

 _Stay calm You are a shinobi. Stay_ _ **calm**_ _. It will be all right. Shikaku isn't that bad a person… I_ _ **know**_ _he won't turn on Shikamaru for this, and I'm_ _ **almost**_ _sure he won't turn away from me, either. Unless of course he somehow gets the miserable notion in his head that I'm sleeping with his son… That would be bad. That would be very,_ _ **very**_ _bad… Come on, speak up kid! I don't think how much longer I can take this…_

"So… Dad?" 

Shikaku carefully set his cup on the table, "Yes, son?" 

"I- I- I- Never mind…"

 _Oh for cryin' out loud, Shikamaru! Just_ _ **tell**_ _him!_

"Son, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?" 

There was blood on the boy's chin, he'd bitten his lip again. Kakashi watched as a ruby drop fell to the boy's lap. 

_Maybe I_ _ **should**_ _say something, because at this rate Shikaku is going to die of old age before ever hearing what his son has to say…  
But I'm scared, too. I can't explain it. Somehow this whole situation is getting to me. I know I told the kid I don't mind getting outed if it helps him, but… When I told Iruka I was such a mess. I hardly even realized what I was saying at the time. But now…_

 _Okay, here goes;_ "Dad, you were right. I _do_ like someone." 

Shikamaru was talking at top speed, the words came out so fast it took Shikaku a moment to realize what he'd said. And that little moment _almost_ made him miss the most important part. 

"Only it's not a girl. I'm in love with a _guy_ , dad. I'm not going to tell you his name though, and you _can't_ ask or guess or whatever. But no, it's not Kakashi – he's just been a really good friend to me, so please don't be mad at _him._ "

 _I'm surprised how fast this kid can talk! Not to mention saying all of that in just one breath… And thank you for that last part, really. Shikaku might've jumped to conclusions without that. But I suppose you already figured that out, didn't you? You really are a genius strategist, Shikamaru._

XOXOX

 _There, that should do it. I hope. It's up to Kakashi-sensei, now. And if he never wants to talk to me again, well… I'll just have to learn to live with that. I can't do much but apologize, and that's what I just did… Sorta… Anyway, I just hope he'll at least be willing to_ _ **talk**_ _to me. I know I hurt him, I hurt him so bad, but… I just don't know what I'd do if Kakashi-sensei refuses to ever talk to me again…_

XOXOX

Shikaku blinked. His brain took a second to process the wave of words that had come crashing down on him.  
 _A guy… Can't ask or guess… Suppose that's fair… But it's not Kakashi… Never figured it would be, he's no pedophile… A really good friend… Well, that was abundantly clear… Wait- don't be_ _ **mad**_ _?!_

"Shikamaru," He said slowly, softly, "Why would I ever fault someone for being a friend to you? Or to anyone else for that matter." The clan leader scratched at his chin, "And I won't pry into who this guy is, either. On one condition." 

The last three words came out in a stern voice, and Shikaku saw both men shudder at the tone.

Eventually it was Kakashi who asked, "What condition?" 

He sounded like he didn't particularly _wanted_ to know but was simply trying to get this whole mess over with. 

"I tell his mother about this," He could see his son wanted to protest, so he raised one hand to demand silence, "She needs to know about this, too. And I _could_ be mean and tell you that you have to tell her yourself, but I won't. Just accept it."

Shikamaru looked to be on the brink of tears again.  
 _Poor kid, how does he even still have tears_ _ **left**_ _? I'll see if I might not be able to salvage something for him…  
_

"Shikaku, it's just one crush…" 

"You can't tell me you honestly believe that's all it is, Kakashi. For one, you wouldn't _be_ here if you thought it was just a teenage crush." 

"Dad's right, you know… I've only ever liked guys. It's just that this time – …never mind…" 

Shikakau looked at his son for a moment before turning his attention back to the silver-haired man, "Am I right in assuming that the same goes for you as well?"

 _Of course. No-one can hide from Shikaku Nara. I wouldn't be surprised if I never get to see Shikamaru again after today. Or have male students. Work in teams with other guys…  
He probably thinks I'm sick. He probably knows all the dirty moves I pulled over the years. The bars, the prostitutes. He knows. I'm sure of it. And it disgusts him.  
_

_Shikamaru is his own son, his heir. He can't drop_ _ **him**_ _. But_ _ **my**_ _life as a shinobi is almost certainly over now. It won't be long before everyone knows. Before everyone starts avoiding me. I'm tainted, after all. I'm –  
_

"Kakashi," Shikakau took care to let his voice sound warm, "I can tell what you're thinking, but you should know this: I don't care."

 _He's lying. Has to be. I'm_ _ **done**_ _…  
_

"Kakashi, talk to me. Please." 

_All the prostitutes… I know I drew blood sometimes. I'm a monster, you don't want to talk to me. I know you're just saying that. Saying it so Shikamaru won't worry. But you hate me.  
_

A single tear fell unto the edge of Kakashi's mask. All the tension, the pain of a lifetime was weighing him down. 

_You hate me. You're just saying nice things but you think I'm disgusting. That I'm a monster- which I am. And –  
_

The copy ninja's thoughts were interrupted as a caring hand fell to his shoulder. He blinked, another tear hid under his mask.

"I've asked Shikamaru to leave. I don't think you'd want him to see you like this. But I'm still here, Kakashi, and I'm not going anywhere. I can tell you don't believe me, but I'll say it again: _I. Don't. Care_. Whether you fuck men or woman, you're still Kakashi Hatake. One of the finest shinobi I've ever had the honor to serve with, and one of the best men I've ever had the pleasure to meet.  
So talk to me, Kakashi. I'm here for you."


	23. The Crackling Of Insanity

AUTHORS NOTE: Take a seat and watch Kakashi fall apart… Popcorn would go great with this – sorry, I've been writing and doing Beta on too much hurt lately, so I'm kinda letting it out in the author's note xD  
This chapter- this entire story- isn't for the fainthearted, I'm just telling ya in case you hadn't figured it out yet :P  
As always, please R&R, that would make me _very_ happy!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 23: The Crackling Of Insanity 

XOXOX

"I… Why don't you hate me? I'm a monster." 

The copy ninja's voice was barely audible, but Shikaku somehow managed to get the geste of it, in turn asking the younger man what he meant, "You don't seem like a monster to _me._ " 

"Bars, prostitutes, I- I never…" 

"Kakashi, do you really believe you're the only guy out there who picks up one-night-stands at the bar? Or the only one who ever pays for it? Hell, I even know a few that are married and still up to that shit. At least you're not cheating on anyone –" 

He was interrupted by the younger man who seemingly hadn't even noticed Shikakau's words, "Blood, there was blood- not always. Often.. Iruka doesn't know that, doesn't know 'bout the whores, can't know… Can't know I made them bleed. Made them hurt, didn't care. Can't know, Shikamaru can't know, can't know I'm a monster. Made them bleed –"

Shikaku listened in horror as the younger man muttered on.  
He couldn't believe Kakashi would still do these things, it sounded like he was talking about a distant past. The Nara also knew how Kakashi'd been back when he was still in ANBU. Merciless, cruel even. But the man had changed over the years and Shikaku was not about to scold him for having been a different person in the past. 

No, the horror came from hearing how much the man hated himself. It was laced into every word the younger man spoke. The relentless muttering about how his friends couldn't find out even more proof to this fact; Kakashi hated himself for having been a different person and the man was scared to death about his sinister past coming to light…

The jounin commander was positive that this so-called 'monster' didn't even realize he was voicing his thoughts and he felt uncertain as to what to do at this point. 

_If I react to this, he's going to pull away_. _And I won't be able to help him, then. But, if I don't do something he might just start talking himself into suicide in a little while… I said I was here for him, and I still mean it, but I would've never thought even_ _ **this**_ _man could have done those horrible things. Even if he was a completely different person back then. Do I even want him around my son? Don't be stupid. This is not the man that did those things. If he was, he wouldn't be falling apart right now. But he's right about one thing: I can't let this get out. He'll be shunned for the rest of his life, if not worse…_

"Kakashi, please calm down. Iruka isn't going to know and neither is Shikamaru. I will have your back in this, but you _have to stop talking now._ "

"… The blood, I hurt them. I did those things, I did. Terrible things…" 

The silver-haired man's eye fluttered, opening and closing at a rapid pace. Each time it opened, Shikaku merely saw white. This was one of the strongest people Shikaku knew, and he had just been reduced to… a crazy person. 

_At least he's stopped talking. I don't think I could've taken that for much longer…  
_ The commander grimaced. 

_But honest to god, I have to admit: This silence is scary as hell. Maybe I was better off when I could still hear what he was thinking… For all I know he's – no. Even in this state. His father killed himself, I highly doubt Kakashi would ever follow in those footsteps. But he needs to calm down, he needs to sleep. If only I could get my hands on a sedative. But you only get those from the medical core, and they watch 'm like hawks. The only way to get him one is to let someone else near him. And at this point I'm not going to turn him over to anyone. If they hear him go on like this, chances are he's going to land in solitary confinement. No. I need –  
_

Shikaku's thoughts were interrupted by a messenger bird tapping on the window. Going over, he relieved the animal from its tiny scroll, setting the item on the table as he sat back down. This was a problem. The scroll was addressed to Kakashi Hatake.


	24. Inner Struggles And Outer Appearances

AURHORS NOTE: I had more than a few chuckles writing this down, I hope you will too. Let me know! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 24: Inner Struggles And Outer Appearances

XOXOX

"Where the _hell_ is he?! I said five o'clock, didn't I?" 

Shizune didn't know what to tell her master. Sure, if you told Kakashi Hatake to be somewhere at a certain time he would always show up thirty to sixty minutes late, but he _would_ show up. And you could account for him being late by moving the scheduled time up. As the Hokage had done ever since her second week working the job. But the clock on the wall said it was almost eight-thirty and Kakashi was still a no-show. She'd sent out a messenger bird almost two hours ago. The scroll had obviously been delivered, yet there was still no sign of Kakashi… 

"I _swear_ , when I get my hands on him…" 

And lady Tsunade was clearly getting beyond just 'worked up'. This was bad…

XOXOX

Yoshina had gotten home, taken one look into the kitchen, and had told him she was off to bed.  
God, he loved that woman. Her proficiency at reading virtually _any_ situation in a matter of seconds and then decide the best course of action for it had been a gods sent on many occasions.  
Except for right now.

Shikaku Nara was at his wit's end. The younger man had remained silent for a good many hours now, and this silence was starting to creep under his skin. On a normal day, Shikaku _liked_ silence, he was a huge fan of peace and quiet. But this wasn't peace, it was only quiet. And there was something eerie about it. The commander looked at the younger man, his eye was firmly shut now, an infinite improvement to the endless fluttering it had done before. His hands were resting in his lap, another improvement as the man had been hitting himself a few hours ago. His head was down, not so much an improvement as the mask and hitai'ite already left so little visible, and now his face was completely shielded from view. 

And he was trembling. Kakashi simply kept shaking no matter what Shikaku tried. And he'd tried a lot. He'd talked to the man, hugged him, and at one point in time had even used his shadows to keep the jounin still. But the second he let go, the shaking continued.  
Kakashi was in another world right now, one where Shikaku could not reach him.

XOXOX

Shikamaru was pacing up and down his room, restless and agitated. 

_I get why dad asked me to leave, but I'd really rather have stayed. He's my friend. Not to mention the fact that this chakra coming from the kitchen is… scary. There really isn't another word for it. And I'm over here, while he's over there. I have no idea what to do at this point. What a drag…  
_

_What would dad do if I just showed up there, right now? I guess he'd get mad… I wonder what Kakashi wants, his is the only opinion that matters at this point, right? He said he considered me a friend. And he doesn't say stuff like that very often… And right now he's hurting like I've been hurting and I'm not there for him like he was for me. I'm an asshole. But honestly, I'm just too scared to go over there.  
_

_-Coward.-  
But I don't want to see my friend in shambles.  
-Scaredy-cat. He was there for __**you**_ _, wasn't he? -  
Yeah… but right now he's the only person in the world I'm certain of. The only person in the world that I know for sure won't discard me for falling in love with Asuma.  
-And what about your dad, then? He said __**he**_ _didn't have a problem with you, either. He's never lied to you, so why won't you believe him?-  
Because he's my dad, is why. Because he wants me to marry Ino. Or Sakura.  
\- That's before he knew, though, think he'd sacrifice his own son like that?-  
_

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Shikamaru was so tired of having this discussion with himself. But at the same time, he couldn't stop it. 

- _Think he'd ever want you to crack like Kakashi's doing right now?-  
Of course not!  
-Then why won't you believe him when he says he's fine with you being in love with a guy?-  
That's not the same thing and you damn well know it!  
\- I do. Do you? Do you really know __**anything**_ _? Where's that genius everyone's always talking about? Think Shikamaru the Strategist would be pacing in his room right now?-  
What the hell are you getting at?  
-Kakashi needs you.- _

XOXOX

"I don't care if you have to pull apart every building in Konoha. You _find_ him!" Tsunade was all but yelling at the six ANBU that had gathered in her office. "And when you do, I want him brought to me _immediately_. "

The six acknowledged her orders and then scattered. Leaving the two woman alone in the office once again. 

"Do you think something happened to him, milady?" 

"Honestly, Shizune, I can't see how it could be anything else. And if Kakashi is in trouble, we all are." 

The Hokage's assistant could only agree. Hoping for Kakashi to make his entry soon, she decided that even just signing paperwork would be too much of a bother right now, "Shall I get us something to drink?"

Lady Tsunade agreed to that, leaving Shizune with an excuse to leave the room. 

After she'd closed the door behind her, she deliberately took another twenty steps so Lady Tsunade would hear her leave. But after that, she simply collapsed on the floor. 

_This is bad, this is so,_ _ **so**_ _bad! Oh, Kakashi, where are you? Everyone is worried about you. And if they don't find you soon, Milady is going to go berserk! What happened… Why aren't you here?_

XOXOX

 _What, ANBU? What are they doing here?  
_ Shikaku had noticed them only a second before the knock on the door.  
 _Are they here for him?_

Walking over to the door the jounin commander steeled himself. Whatever they wanted, he would keep them out of the house. He had his position as leverage, but that didn't mean much to ANBU. Still… _They're not getting in._

"Shikaku," The masked ANBU sounded like he'd drawn the short straw. There were two of them standing there. There would be more, "We've come to collect Kakashi Hatake. We know he's in this house. Turn him over."

 _Oh, hell no._  
"What's he done to get ANBU going after him?" 

"Lady Hokage wishes to speak with him." 

_The messenger bird! I never looked inside the scroll!  
_ "Very well. It's my fault he's late. I will accompany him and properly apologize to Lady Hokage myself."

"We have orders to take him with us, Shikaku. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

 _Damnit!  
_ "I _said_ , I will accompany the man _myself_. Do not make me repeat myself a third time." 

The mask made the man's face expressionless, however Shikaku could tell this man would rather not argue with him. So he pushed, "You can go and tell the Hokage Kakashi is on his way. And that I take full responsibility for his delay."

"I have my orders, Shikaku." 

"And I'm giving you new ones, right here and now. If you refuse you'll have to fight me." 

"I- I'd rather not, sir. However, I _am_ under direct orders from Lady Hokage herself. You don't have the clearance to override them." 

But it seemed like Shikaku finally had some luck, as the other ANBU seemed to disagree with his collegue, "He says it's on him, right? So let Shikaku take Kakashi. He's jounin commander, if anyone's high enough on the food chain to take the blame for this, it's him," The man shrugged. 

_That doesn't sound good. I wonder how mad Tsunade is right now…  
_

"I'll bring him right over," He conceded. 

_I'm really not sure if I should be relieved or terrified, right now…_

XOXOX

"Kakashi! Kakashi, snap out of it, goddamnit! The Hokage wants to see you." 

It didn't seem to have any effect. Shikaku grabbed the younger man's shoulders and shook him violently, "Kakashi Hatake! Stand to attention, man!" 

Somehow, he must've hit either the right tone, or the right words because the sliver-haired jounin looked up. His eye was puffed from crying and tears were still running down. But he looked alert. 

"Lady Hokage sent for me…? Oh _shit_! What time is it?!" 

He followed his superiors gaze toward the clock and all color drained from his face, "I was supposed to be there by five…" He whispered, "With an assembled team, ready to go. B-rank. _Fuck!_ She's gonna _kill_ me!"

Shikaku's chuckle held only a little humor in it, "Then she's going to kill me first, because I just took the responsibility for your delay," And softer, "How are you?"

It was positively eerie, the way the jounin changed right before his eyes. His back straightened before falling back into its usual slumped position, his muscles relaxed. His face paled back to its original color. 

_I sincerely hope I never find out how he does that!  
_

And all of the sudden, he looked like _Kakashi_ again. Something had changed, but Shikaku couldn't tell you what exactly even if his life were to depend on it. 

"Oh, I'll put on a good show," Kakashi's eye crinkled, he looked every bit the Kakashi everyone knew.

 _No, the Kakashi everyone_ _ **thinks**_ _they know…_

Shikaku cleared his throat, he felt like he had to say _something_ but couldn't really think of much. So eventually he settled on, "You sure?" 

"Shikaku, I've been doing this my whole life. I'm sure," the light tone had dissipated from his voice, making it sound very serious all of the sudden. 

"Besides," The copy ninja continued, sounding playful again, "If _I_ can't even charm my way out of a woman's scorn anymore, then all hope must be lost for humanity as we know it."


	25. Lost On The Path Of Life

AUTHORS NOTE: Oh I just _love_ these little banters! But you know what I love even more? Reviews!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 25: Lost On The Path Of Life

XOXOX

"Lady Hokage," Shikaku Nara nodded at his superior, trying desperately to keep his calm. The woman was furious. Her normal pale complexion had turned a bright red, her eyes had narrowed to the point of barely being visible and the line of her mouth was tight and thin. 

_How did I ever get sucked into all of this…? All I wanted was to have a part in my son's life. For him to talk to me. And now I'm standing here, next to Kakashi who looks just fine despite the fact that he was crying in my kitchen only fifteen minutes ago. Despite the fact that he was muttering about blood and whores and monsters, he looks perfectly normal. Well, whatever we call normal when Kakashi's involved. 'Shikaku, I've been doing this my whole life.' How the hell did no-one ever notice!  
_

"I sent the _ANBU_ after him, what the _hell_ are you doing here, Shikaku?!" 

"I- I decided to escort him myself, since I was the reason for Kakashi's delay," Did his voice really sound so insecure? Could they just chalk it up to standing in the vicinity of a real-life dragon?

"Not so," Kakashi wiggled on his toes, "Shikaku was just trying to be courteous by letting me hang out in his kitchen, my being late is in no way his responsibility."

Shikaku sneaked a peek in the younger ninja's direction.  
 _What the hell does he think he's doing?  
_

Tsunade's eyes narrowed even further, "Explain." 

_I didn't think her eyes could_ _ **get**_ _any narrower. And she's growling, that specific tone she uses when you're about to be dead meat. I hope that whatever Kakashi's got planned is gonna work, because I am fresh out of ideas…  
_

"Would you believe me if I told you I got lost on the path of life?" 

_He's_ _ **gotta**_ _be kidding me!  
_

"No. Now explain!" 

"I got lost on the path of life. It's true, whether you believe me or not. Shikaku can even vouch for me, right, Shikaku?" 

_Don't tell me you're planning… to tell the_ _ **truth**_ _?!  
_

"Shikaku, what happened today? And no lame excuses like this guy. I want the truth and I want it _now_!" 

_Yep, I'm dead._

XOXOX

Shizune felt like she'd never been so relieved before in her life. 

_He's okay, he's fine. He's just being Kakashi, there is nothing wrong with him.  
_

She was certain no-one in this room would share that opinion, though, they were all too wrapped up in how _very_ wrong it was to have to be fetched by ANBU in order to show up for a meeting, four hours late. But to Shizune, all that didn't matter anymore. 

_He's fine._

XOXOX

"Lady Hokage, I…" His eyes sought Kakashi's, but the younger man wasn't paying any attention to him, instead looking out the window behind Shizune. 

" _Yes_ …?" Tsunade was impatient, always had been. And these two were pushing far beyond the limits of said patience.

"I- I really think Kakashi should be the one answering this." 

"Hmm?" 

The jounin looked up for a second before turning his gaze back to the window. Which only served to anger the Hokage further, if such a thing was possible. 

"He already _did,_ Shikaku. Now I'm asking _you._ "

"It… Is a personal matter, Milady. I don't believe I'm the right person to answer these questions." 

"Regardless, that's what I'm asking you to do."

Out of the blue, Kakashi moved. Walking up to Shizune until they were only inches apart. His voice was almost seductive as he spoke, "Shizune, would you please excuse us for a moment?" 

_Is that the voice he uses to pick up guys at the bar? Hell,_ _ **I**_ _would go with him if he asked like that!_ Shikaku felt a blush creep up, but his was nothing compared to the bright shade the Hokage's assistant suddenly sported. She excused herself quickly, almost running for the door. 

"That's better," Kakashi said, his tone normal again, "Wouldn't do to break a woman's heart over something like this." 

_He's really going to do it… He's going to tell Tsunade… Wouldn't that make her the fourth person in only a couple of days? After keeping quiet for… What? Some fifteen years? He must still be in shock, there's no way he'd do this if the guy was in his right mind. Should I stop him?_ _ **Could**_ _I even stop him at this point?_

Kakashi walked over to the Hokage's desk. Sitting down on top of it, just beside her chair, he folded his legs over each other and leaned back a little. For the longest time he'd been practicing this little trick and it hadn't let him down once. He lowered his voice to the kind of sexy, hoarse tone that always worked wonders and began talking.

"I must have been about fourteen years old when I first fell in love. I'd been temporarily assigned to another squad, and I thought I had found the finest human specimen on the entire planet. Not too pretty, but definitely easy on the eyes, with the added bonus of not being pretty enough to attract the kind of attention that I found unwanted. Curly, _gorgeous_ hair framing a heart-shaped face. With eyes, _oh_ , to _die_ for. And lips that were so _extremely_ kissable I simply could not –"  
He leaned it for the finale, almost whispering in the Hokage's ear, " _Help_ myself." 

Leaning back again, the copy ninja's posture changed. He'd dropped the sexy tone and pose, instead shielding himself. 

"That day I got beaten up so bad I couldn't even move for almost a week. It should be in your files somewhere, I believe I told the doctors I got into a scuffle on a mission. Anyway, that was the first and the last time I allowed myself to fall in love. Because most guys seem to have some… _issues_ with it." 

Tsunade, flushed as Kakashi had whispered in her ear, started to pale as the story progressed. But she still had questions that needed answering, like… 

"Kakashi, what the hell were you doing, _today._ "

"Today…? Well, today I came to see you, of course."

"And _after_ that…?!" There was a thinly veiled threat in her voice. 

"After that? I went to see Shikamaru." 

Shikaku watched in horror as Tsunade took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm herself down. 

_He's gonna push her over the edge, he's gonna drive her so crazy she'll lash out and kill him… But I gotta say… This is kind of fun…  
_

"Kakashi!" She was almost screaming at this point, all restraint out of the window, "Why were you so _godforsaken_ late I had to sent the ANBU to go pick you up?!" 

She was standing, hands resting atop the desk – one on either side of the silver-haired jounin – face millimeters away from his. Kakashi didn't seem fazed by this at all.

"But I believe I already told you, lady Hokage…" 

"No. You _. Didn't_!" 

"Did too."

"Did _not_!" 

"Didn't I?" 

" _No_!" 

"Ah, I'm so sorry. I was late because I got lost on the path of life." 

_So dead. Kakashi's you've doomed us all…_


	26. When Left To Their Own Devices

AUTHORS NOTE: Guys, this whole thing was rated M for a reason…  
Anyway, R&R pretty please? 

Also… suspencion xD Yes, I'm making you wait after what happened in the last chapter… Muhahaha

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 26: When Left To Their Own Devices

XOXOX

 _He's still not home, where on earth could that guy be?  
_

Iruka stood in the bedroom of Kakashi's apartment. He'd pretty much been knocking on the door all morning, before finally realizing he had a key. After that he simply kept using his key to check inside, assuming Kakashi might be trying to hide from the world. He'd actually planned on going over yesterday, but the Hokage had dumped about a week's worth of files on his desk. They needed to be filled out and signed before Iruka could go check up on his friend, which was why he was a day late. 

_I should've come here yesterday, no matter what. For all I know he's left to go live in the woods somewhere, like Jiraiya did.  
_

The chuunin carefully inspected the apartment, it didn't _seem_ like there was anything missing, but Kakashi lived like a true minimalist: The only things he possessed that weren't absolutely essential were his two team photographs and his Icha Icha books. Although, according to Kakashi himself those were 'every bit as vital as, let's say, oxygen'. He didn't own any clothes other than a few sets of the Leaf uniform and about a dozen undershirts with a facemask attached. The kitchen held only a couple items as well, just enough to cook for two, in case someone came over. Not that that happened too often; In all the years he'd known the guy, Iruka couldn't remember a single time they'd shared a meal together. 

' _But you don't even know me' Huh, apparently that's true… Even now, while I'm standing in the apartment I've been to a hundred time before, I still can't seem to determine if you've left or if you really just don't own anything…  
_

Sitting down on the bed, Iruka placed his head in his hands and sighed.

XOXOX

 _She wasn't there. I don't understand why she wouldn't be at the library. Did she not have studying to do? I do not believe she would lie about that. On the other hand, she did_ _ **tell**_ _me she had to catch up on her studies, perhaps she didn't go to the library to avoid having to meet me…_

 _However, I do not believe such is the case… Sakura takes her studies very seriously, while at the same time she is not the kind of person who would try to avoid someone. Even if I confessed to her, she would not do this. I am certain there must be a reason. Maybe she's at home. Do I have the courage to go see her there? I don't think I do… She might've told her parents about what happened the other night. They might not like the idea of an Aburame dating their daughter any more than Sakura herself had liked the idea of dating me. Many people find our jutsu to be disgusting and filthy. Sakura is civilian-born. I do not think her parents would understand our way of life. I don't think I should go to see her, after all…_

XOXOX

 _ANBU… Why ANBU of all things? What the hell did dad and Kakashi_ _ **do**_ _? I mean, sure, Kakashi's chakra was pretty much all over the place, so that drew some attention, I guess… But still…  
_

The young Nara was pacing up and down his room. Going faster and faster as his mind went around in circles. 

_ANBU… They're a class of their own, the Hokage's private special elite forces… Why would they come pick up dad and Kakashi? Well, they pick up dad every now and then… Kakashi used to be ANBU, could that have anything to do with it? I don't have enough information! What a drag…_

XOXOX

Across town, Shizune too, was pacing. She'd found an empty room just down the hall and slipped inside. _His voice!_ The jounin felt her cheeks burn again. 

_That was just_ _ **so**_ _sexy… Maybe, maybe I_ _ **do**_ _have a chance. He wouldn't use that tone with me if he didn't like me, right? He's just so hot!  
_

Just thinking about the silver-haired jounin made her entire body tingle and heat up.

Walking over to the door, she carefully turned the lock before leaning against it. Descending into a sitting position while sliding her kimono open. Thoughts and images of Kakashi flowed through her mind as she set her hand to work.


	27. When The Walls Come Tumbling Down

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R!  
Also a very big thank you for all the amazing people favoriting and following this story,  
shadowrealm11; lotisflower5; Sleuthe; lunahawk; Jeannetic; AnimePop31; Alice Ladeux. 

As always, please let me know what you think, it means more than you can ever imagine and might actually make me upload sooner…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 27: When The Walls Come Tumbling Down

XOXOX

"Kakashi!" She was almost screaming at this point, all restraint out of the window, "Why were you so _godforsaken_ late I had to sent the ANBU to go pick you up?!" 

She was standing, hands resting atop the desk – one on either side of the silver-haired jounin – face millimeters away from his. Kakashi didn't seem fazed by this at all.

"But I believe I already told you, lady Hokage…" 

"No. You _. Didn't_!" 

"Did too."

"Did _not_!" 

"Didn't I?" 

" _No_!" 

"Ah, I'm so sorry. I was late because I got lost on the path of life." 

_So dead. Kakashi's you've doomed us all…_

"Are you completely incapable of having a conversation without that ceaseless _lying_?!"

"No, I-" 

Tsunade didn't even hear the jounin, "And that story you just told, that was all a lie too, wasn't it?! How dare you, Kakashi! I never imagined even _you_ would do this! I can't even begin to tell you how disappointed I am in you!" 

She would have kept yelling, but Shikaku had pretty much had enough at this point. Knowing the pain the younger man was in –even now, even as he seemed to be his normal self – he'd wrapped his shadows around the Hokage. They weren't tight, weren't even restraining her – except for her mouth. He kept her mouth shut.

Kakashi blinked.  
 _This must be a first…_

"Lady Hokage, I'm sorry for treating you this way, but I really do think you need to calm down now. Kakashi…" He swallowed, looking over at the younger man, "He's telling the truth. He may be taking a less direct route than you or I would normally like, but I can't honestly say I blame him for that. This has already been a long and trying day for my young friend here, and I'll thank you not to make it any worse by shouting at him." He released the jutsu, hoping against hope that there would be no repercussions on Tsunade's part.

Both man watched as the Hokage slowly brought her right hand up to her face. Biting down on the nail of her thumb, she frowned, "Shikaku, if you _ever_ do that again, I'll have your head, but… Kakashi, you were telling me the truth this whole time?"

The copy ninja visibly gulped. _  
_

_This is no way to handle the matter! Where is the mystery, the elusiveness? Where are all the words I always hide behind? The mannerisms that keep me safe? I can't do it like this…!  
_

"Every word…" 

"Then what does 'getting lost on the path of life' mean?" 

_It means that I was having a nervous breakdown… I can't say that! I can't! This is not a safe place to be at all! Shikaku, why did you have to- okay, calm down. You're a shinobi of the Leaf. Now_ _ **calm down**_ _. Just take a deep breath… Yes, like that, and_ _ **calm down**_ _.  
_

"Kakashi?" 

_Calm down. Relax… A shinobi must not let his emotions rule his actions. Take a deep breath…  
_

"Kakashi?!" 

_Breathe, breathe and calm down.  
_

"He's out of it, milady. He was like this before, too. I think that's what he meant to say when he said those dubious things. The man has a way with words, after all," Shikaku's smile held no joy as he looked at Kakashi.

 _Calm, calm and quiet. Don't forget to breathe…  
_

"He's having a nervous breakdown! Shikaku, why didn't you call for the medical core immediately? We have people who are trained to deal with this sort of thing. PTSD specialists. We have medication to help him, psychologists to talk to –"

"With all due respect, I'm quite certain he would forever hold it against me if I'd shipped him off to the medical core. This isn't the kind of thing you can let strangers handle. I had meant to talk him down myself. He seemed to be calming down right before the ANBU showed up…" 

Tsunade watched the silver-haired shinobi intently, he'd started to mutter something at this point, but she couldn't quite make it out. 

"He has incredible resilience if he managed to pull himself out of a state like this just to come deal with me…" She spoke softly, leaning over in an attempt to hear the jounin's muttered words.

Shikaku too, had realized Kakashi was muttering again, but unlike the Hokage he didn't need to hear him to know what Kakashi was muttering about. 

"Lady Hokage, please, step back. These aren't words meant for you to hear."

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm trying to help him! But I can't do that if I don't know what's bothering the man," She leaned back in. This time, she could make out some of the words. As her face paled, Shikaku's heart dropped. 

"Blood… my fault… I'm… Iruka… can't know… Whores…bleeding… I did…"

XOXOX

Kakashi was still leaning against Tsunade's desk, huddled up as if to shield himself from his own thoughts. Tsunade pulled her chair a bit further away from him – just out of earshot – and lowered herself on it. Shikaku came to stand next to her, putting a hand on the woman's shoulder. 

"He's not that person anymore, Tsunade." 

The mention of her name seemed to pull her out of her seemingly apathetic state, "I don't even know what to think about this anymore, Shikaku… Do you think he can hear us?" 

"He never showed any reaction to anything I said or did earlier." 

"Good. Because I don't want to leave him alone, but we have to talk about this. You're right, we can't turn him over to the medical core. I can't even imagine what's going through his head right now, but if you listen to him you'd say he's a mass murderer or something…I don't want any rumors leaking out…" The blonde bit her nail again, "You said he isn't that person anymore… What did you mean?" 

The jounin commander sighed, "You didn't know Kakashi when he was younger. I know you probably read the file, but… Do you know what happened to his father?"

Tsunade nodded, she knew the file well, what she didn't know was everything that wasn't in the file. 

"After that… I guess something snapped inside him. People blamed his father for abandoning the mission, and that's part of the problem as far as I'm concerned. Kakashi became… Rigid. He would follow the rules to the letter. After he was placed in ANBU it got even worse… Everyone saw him as a merciless killing machine. While in fact, he was just a boy. I'd never heard about him getting beaten up before, if I did I would've done something about it. But I guess it must've happened more than once… 

And then he began disappearing. Must've been around when he turned seventeen. They'd be on a mission, and all of the sudden Kakashi would be gone. Nobody knew where he was or what he was doing, but he always reappeared after a few hours. And after a while, people stopped noticing all together. They'd realize he was gone, but no-one would even bother to look for him, thinking he'd be back soon anyway." He scratched his chin, thinking back on those days. 

Tsunade interrupted his train of thought, "I guess now we know where he went…" 

"I suppose so… Anyway, he started to change somewhere around his twenty-second birthday. Whatever happened, we'll probably never know. But Kakashi started to slowly turn into the man we know today. He's changed a lot, and it has all been for the better. If this gets out now…" 

"I know. But we can't very well leave him standing there all night. We need a game plan."

XOXOX

Kakashi awoke in his own bed, but with no recollection of how he'd gotten there. The room was empty, but he could distinctly hear someone stumbling around in his kitchen.  
 _Not good._

He reached for the kunai under his pillow to find it gone.  
 _Odd…_

But that didn't stop him from getting up to confront this person that had let themselves into his apartment. The leather straps, however, did. 

_I'm tied to my own bed, my kunai is gone, and there is someone in my apartment. What the hell is going on here?  
_

He tried to bring his hands together to form the signs for a fire jutsu, meaning to burn trough the leather, but someone had figured he would try that, because the straps wouldn't allow him to bring his hands close enough together to form signs. 

_Really bad._

XOXOX

Tsunade rummaged through the kitchen.  
 _What a dump, where's the bloody sake? Doesn't this guy ever_ _ **drink**_ _?_

She sighed. Probably not. Bottled up feelings and such. _She_ drank to let those feelings _out_ , which was probably the exact reason why Kakashi didn't have any alcohol in his place. 

_I'll go check on the patient, then._

Walking into the bedroom, the Hokage was greeted by a distinctly foul look. 

"Ah… good, you're awake. I wasn't sure if I hadn't accidentally overdosed you." 

"Overdosed me…?" 

"Still groggy, I see. Yes, well, I tried to sedate you, but there was no effect; so I upped the dose. About three times…" 

"What happened?" 

Tsunade frowned, how much was safe to say? Normally she believed in the head-on approach, but this was a little different… 

"You had a nervous breakdown in my office, Kakashi. Shikaku explained that was the reason you were late in the first place, and here we are." 

"So you sedated me and tied me up on my own bed? Lady Hokage, I never knew you had a kinky side," Kakashi smiled a naughty smile. It was contagious, and soon Tsunade found herself laughing out loud. _  
_

_Somehow, he'll be all right again. And until that time comes we will watch over him. Shikaku and me.  
_

"Where's Shikamaru?" The jounin was completely serious again, demanding an answer. 

"Shikamaru? Why do you ask?" 

"He's my friend, he'll be worried if he doesn't hear from me after… How long has it been?" 

"About a day. It's starting to get dark out again. Do you want me to get Shikamaru?" 

"Please, and if you could untie me, I'd be forever in your debt." 

The kunoichi smiled at him, "I think you already are. But I'm not leaving you alone, untied, in your own apartment. I found twelve kunai already. No to mention about twenty senbon and a colorful assortment of other handy, sharp objects. I'll untie you before Shikamaru comes in, but not a minute sooner." 

Kakashi acknowledged defeat, watching the woman leave his bedroom. 

"Oh, I almost forgot," She popped her head back in, "This was on the floor by the door when we came in, looks like it was shoved under your door." 

She handed him a piece of paper, "You better be extremely careful with that, Kakashi. Those things are rare. I'll go get Shikamaru now, there's water next to the bed, I made sure you could reach it." 

"Thanks…"

XOXOX

When the blonde had left, Kakashi unfolded the small piece of paper, it was a note:

 _Kakashi-sensei,  
I'm sorry I hurt you the other day  
Could we please talk?  
Sakura_

XOXOX

 **A/N** _Quite a few giggles writing this, let's see what you think?_


	28. He Is My Friend

AUTHORS NOTE: Here, another chappy ^.^ Now reward me with a review… _lurkers…  
_

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 28: He Is My Friend

XOXOX

Shikamaru Nara was sitting on the steps of his front porch looking up at the clouds while trying his best to relax. He'd been sitting there for the better part of the day while he tried to come to terms with what his father had told him early this morning. 

_So Kakashi really_ _ **did**_ _crack, huh? What a drag… But I suppose it was only a matter of time, after all. The guy's been lying to every single one of his friends for years. I guess he was really happy he could talk about it with me. And I took advantage of that… Still, I never figured Kakashi to be the type to speak so open and clear about_ _ **anything**_ _until he found out about the whole Asuma thing… Suppose no-one around is used to that._

 _But if he's been shielding himself behind vague words and weird habits all these years… If something – some_ _ **one**_ _\- broke that spell… I guess this whole thing is my fault, after all. I've been taking the guy for granted, I never realized that if he understood_ _ **me**_ _so well, it would have to be because he's had a hard time of it, too. What a drag…  
_

_I hope he's doing okay though, dad said I couldn't go see him. But he was there for me when I needed_ _ **him**_ _… And it's not like I need to be protected like that. After all,_ _ **I'm**_ _the reason this whole mess happened in the first place. Man, I wish I knew what to do!  
_

_If I go down there, not only will dad and Tsunade get on my case, but I don't even know if Kakashi wants me to see him like this. On the other hand; if I don't go and he_ _ **does**_ _want to see me…  
_

_I wish the guy wasn't such a damn mystery! Even when we talked… I mean, what do I really_ _ **know**_ _about the guy? Apart from what everyone knows, I guess_ _ **I**_ _know he's gay. He's got the hots for Genma, that's for sure. I think the guy doesn't even notice how often he's called him sexy, or hot or some other thing that sounds even more… gross…_

 _He's not ashamed of any of it though, not like me. He's… I think careful would be the right word. But what could you expect from a twenty-something shinobi who's kept this huge secret hidden for, like, forever.  
_

_Hmmm…. What else do I know? Kakashi's got an extremely dirty mind- even more so that most people seem to know, but other than that… He's my friend, but I think I hardly even know him…_

"Shikamaru," Tsunade seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, standing before the young man. _  
_

_Was I really so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't even notice the_ _ **Hokage**_ _coming here? Man, what a drag…  
_

"Kakashi wants to see you. I take it your father told you some about what happened last night?" 

The young Nara nodded, "He said Kakashi had a nervous breakdown, due to the fact he's been living a double life all these years. Said the man was saying things I don't have the proper clearance to hear, but that he couldn't seem to be able to stop. Or so I was told… But dad also said he'd ask Kakashi if he wanted to see me once he felt a bit better," That last promise was a result of Shikamaru's unwavering demands to see his friend, it had, however, not gone over very well. There was something in Shikaku's attitude that proved to Shikamaru that his father was hiding something about all this. Something important… 

"You don't believe him?" The Hokage quirked one eyebrow before moving to sit next to him. 

"No, not really. I _do_ believe Kakashi broke down, I should've seen it coming. But I highly doubt that I can't see him because him spewing classified intell. Dad knows I'm not the kind of guy that pays attention to something like that. He should've realized that bullshit wouldn't work on me," Shikamaru felt the anger starting to bubble up again, dad had obviously lied to him – and as far as the boy know, that had never happened before. And this was about his _friend_!

He could feel Tsunade was studying him. That she was trying to read the emotions behind his stoic, even bored expression. That face was a habit, a defense mechanism, as if she would break through it so easily! 

It took a long time before the woman next to him spoke again, "You're right. Kakashi _was_ muttering endlessly, though, it wasn't so much classified information as… Personal."

"I'm his _friend_!" 

"I know. Which is why I'm telling you this. Now listen.  
Often times when a person is in acute psychological distress their mind returns to a specific time in their lives. Those can either be happy memories- creating an escape- or… Worse.  
Kakashi seemed to return to a place of intense pain. Now, I haven't really had the chance to speak with him yet, so I don't know any details about these memories. But from what we could hear…  
Both your father and I managed to decipher some of it, and they weren't the kind of things _anyone_ should hear. _Especially_ his friends.  
Do you understand that, Shikamaru?" 

The young Nara frowned, his mind working at top speed to fully comprehend the Hokage's words, not just what she'd said, but specifically the things she _didn't_ say, "Are you saying that the man should just keep everything bottled up? 'Cause that seemed to be doing him a hell of a lot of good last time around." 

The kunoichi had a weary smile on her face when she answered, "No, I really don't think he should bottle _anything_ up at this point. But there's talking to someone and there's overhearing them mutter the same words over and over. It was… Distressing. For both Shikaku and me."

They sat in silence for a moment, as Shikamaru tried to wrap his head around what the Hokage'd said this time around. His mind didn't seem to be working properly. It took the young man far too much time just to understand what she'd said, let alone all the things behind those words. 

Eventually he spoke, slowly, carefully choosing his words, "So I wasn't allowed to see him before because Kakashi was apparently rambling about things I shouldn't hear… But now _you're_ here, at his request…  
Does that mean you want to forbid me from talking to him about what happened?" 

"No. I know you two have become close in the last few weeks, and the last thing I want to do at this point is to strain that relationship. You seem to be the only person who manages to make Kakashi speak freely and I already told you, I think he _needs_ to talk about it.  
But I _do_ want you to be careful. Don't push him into talking about… _Anything_ really… Just… Try to be as gentle as you can be." 

Shikamaru looked up at the stars that had appeared during their conversation, "I won't. I know how it feels to be in his position, he never pushed me either. People should be allowed to share things on their own time, not because someone else is pushing them." 

He felt Tsunade looking at him intently, " _What_?!" 

"I'm sorry, I guess I was just wondering how you tow became so close, anyway. As far as I know, you've never really talked much until recently and now all of the sudden you're best buds."

"I suppose…" Looking back up at the stars the Nara sighted, "I guess it's because he realized what was going on before I even knew I needed a friend…" He stopped talking, not really sure if he wanted to go on. 

Shikamaru could feel himself trembling.  
 _Man, this is scarier than I thought. Compared to dad… Considering telling_ _ **her**_ _is…  
_

"Shikamaru," He tentative voice was soft, "Are you trying to tell me… Do you like men, Shikamaru?" 

_Well I can't really back out now, can I?_

His voice was barely audible, groaning, "Asuma." 

It took the blonde a little while to reply, obviously trying to come to terms with the boy's confession.  
When she finally opened her mouth, he voice was laced with empathy for the Nara's situation, "That's gotta be rough." 

"Yeah… I think I disgust him now. But Kakashi was there for me, and I'd like to be there for him," the young man stood, making it clear to the Hokage that as far as he was concerned, this conversation had come to an end.

XOXOX

It felt like forever since he'd been here, while in reality it had only been two days. Kakashi's apartment felt inviting as Shikamaru crossed the threshold. 

"Wait here," Lady Tsunady brushed past him in the narrow hall, slipping into the bedroom. There were some distinct noises before she reappeared. 

"I'll leave you two alone. Just don't go off before someone else gets here, I don't want to leave him alone right now." 

The Nara nodded his consent before making his way into Kakashi's bedroom. 

"So, she tied you up, huh?" 

"Who knew our Hokage had such a kinky side to her?" 

Kakashi smiled. The jounin was sitting on the edge of his bed, a cup of water in his left hand, a lit cigarette in his right. He met Shikamaru's gaze squarely before dropping his own to the floor, "I'm sorry," He whispered. 

"Don't be. There's really no need," Shikamaru sat down on the chair next to the bed, "When did you start smoking?" 

"A while back. Tsunade gave me a real hard time about it, but eventually she agreed to pick them up for me, anyway." He gestured towards the mountain of cigarette packs on the desk," She bought all those. Must've done so before she came to see you, I suppose. And to answer the question you're _not_ asking, I only smoke when I'm stressed out or after sex, and I'm sorry to say I've gotten none of the latter lately."

Shikamaru smirked.  
 _Typical Kakashi, still cracking jokes even when he's being serious..  
_ "Wanna talk about it?" 

The jounin peered at him through thick clouds of smoke, "I'm usually the one asking you. Are you sure you're okay with this, Shikamaru?" 

"You're _my_ friend, too." The Nara smirked before continuing, "I'll do everything I can to help you, even if that means outing myself to the Hokage – which I already did, by the way…" 

Kakashi blinked in genuine surprise, "Oh…? Why?" 

"Because I needed her to know I can handle it. She said you were muttering on about 'private' stuff last night, and how she thought you wouldn't want me to hear about it. Like I didn't know this about you, like I couldn't understand…" 

The copy ninja sighed, crushing his cigarette bud in the ashtray he immediately reached for his pack again. 

"I'll be honest with you, Shikamaru," He paused a moment to light his smoke, "Yesterday is… Mostly a blur. I remember talking to you, and then going to talk to your dad together… And something about ANBU… Some other stuff," The silver-haired jounin cleared his throat, "Like I said, yesterday's pretty vague. But I _do_ remember the memories I had then, quite clearly," He put his head in his hands and groaned, "I wish I didn't…" 

"Kakashi-" 

"No. Please, don't. What I meant to say is… I don't think you _can_ understand. You're still young and haven't had as many bad experiences yet. I hope you never will.  
But I _did_ have those experiences, and partly because of that I did a lot of awful things.  
And part of me never wants to tell you about any of them, never wants you to know what a horrible person I've been. Because I'm afraid it'll make you turn away from me…" There was so much pain in his voice, so much heartbreak.

Shikamaru sat quietly for several minutes, his mind working on picking apart every word Kakashi had just spoken. Trying to decipher the meaning behind every sound, every silence. 

"I won't. Kakashi, I _promise_ you I won't turn away from you because of anything you might've said or done in the past." 

"You can't promise me that when you have no clue what I'm talking about," The jounin stated calmly. His calm voice contradicted by the appearance of yet another cigarette. 

_As expected. But I'm not gonna give up so easily, Kakashi…  
_

"I can. In only a short time you've become one of my best friends, and the only one I can talk to about certain… _Stuff_. It'd be a drag if I had to find someone else." 

Shikamaru could feel the corners of his mouth twitch, he hadn't meant to turn this into a joke, but somehow Kakashi's way with words was contagious. 

"You'd manage. You're a strong person, Shikamaru, so you always will. But, maybe… That's also why I _can_ tell you…" 

The jounin seemed to ponder his own statement for a while, crushing one cigarette and lighting another before he continued, "I guess this all started when I was about fourteen…"


	29. The Hidden Chapter

AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter comes with warnings…. I'll list them for you:

# Kakashi has a dark dark past… (sorry if this counts as a spoiler, but really, it's bad)

# There is mention of rough sex (again, sorry for spoilers)

# There is _mention_ of rape (yeah… spoiler :P) _Only mention, don´t freak out on me :P_

 _Or maybe you should freak out so you'll leave me a review…_

Just in case anyone was wondering… I _adore_ Kakashi, I truly do…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 29: The Hidden Chapter Of Kakashi Hatake's Life

XOXOX

"I guess this all started when I was about fourteen… I got assigned to a squad until such time their third member was fit for active duty again after being injured on a mission.  
One of my new teammates was… Well, he was my first crush.  
Long story short, I tried to kiss him.

After that, he and a couple of other guys beat me up so bad I was hospitalized for a week.  
It was a rude wake-up call to the fact that boys aren't supposed to fall in love with other boys…  
So since that day I've kept it hidden. I'd… Well I would pretty much do all the things teenage boys do when they're alone in their room, I presume. I suppose you're no stranger to those activities, either. And it was… Enough, I guess.

But when I was almost seventeen, I fell in love again. Or, rather, I liked someone – I couldn't honestly call it love when it wasn't anything more than a physical attraction.  
I was on a solo mission – that I can't tell you any more about – when I saw him…. Smooth, silky ash blonde hair – right down to his shoulders, just the way I like it. Huge, brown eyes in a pale face… The body of a _god_ , I tell you. I was hooked. 

_So_ intrigued, I stooped to stalking him, all but abandoning my mission in the process.  
Then, I found out that he… _Sold_ himself. To other men…  
And when I'd… When I finally worked up the courage, I pulled all my money and went to see him. 

Akihiko… His name was Akihiko. 

He said that he'd 'helped' a lot of young guys, and he would gladly introduce me to the world of gay sex.  
So I did it.  
And that's really all I'll say about that…

I started seeing prostitutes more often, learning how I could spot the ones that would accept me as a customer. It was a learning curve – I got yelled at quite a few times… Beaten up, too…  
By this time my regular disappearances on missions were just that, regular.  
Although I preferred to work alone, that wasn't always possible. But my teammates never knew where I went. Didn't ask either, I think they just didn't care. 

I spent almost every dime I made on prostitutes, that was, until I discovered gay bars.  
And I'm not talking about the good ones here. There are bars out there where… Where you're just a piece of meat, really.  
They were an easy place to pick a guy up, and relatively cheap – compared to paying for it.

But on the inside, I was going through hell.

Here I was, holding this great, big, disgusting secret. Lying to everyone around me, lying to myself. I hated myself for it, and hated the world around me for turning me into this person. 

So started drinking and I fucked. I fucked every ass I could get, simply to forget about everything for a little while. But the pain only increased with every notch on my bedpost…  
I became cruel. 

Cruel to my fellow shinobi, cruel to the criminals I was sent to arrest –even raping some of them.  
But most of all, I became cruel to the people I was paying to have sex with me. Somehow I took all my frustrations out on them.  
Having to pay for what _should_ be an act of caring, of love, infuriated me. 

So I hurt them.

I was sadistic. 

Pounding inside them until they cried out in pain, until they were bleeding.  
And worst of all: I enjoyed it. 

I relished in their agony. By hurting others, it felt almost as if my own pain became a shared load.  
Of course that wasn't actually _true_ , once I would come of my high I'd feel even worse than before.  
So in contradiction to all good sense, I would turn around and do it again.

I won't shock you any further with the grueling details, I'll suffice to say that by that time I fucked a different ass almost every day. Sometimes several times a day.  
I left a trail of blood and pain everywhere I went. Everywhere, accept for Konoha. 

I couldn't satisfy my urges here, so instead, I opted to take every available mission I could get my hands on.  
Only a few people ever asked me why and I brushed off each and every one of them.

This… Pattern, I guess you could call it, held strong for about five years.  
Most people could tell you I started to mellow out around my twenty-second year."

The jounin sighed, discarding the second empty pack of smokes since he'd started his tale.  
"And here we are now…"


	30. Do The Leaves Not Change Color

AUTHORS NOTE: Many, _many_ thanks to abc4444 for the review, it really _did_ make me squeal like a fan girl, much to the dismay of everyone else in the room xD  
I also want to give huge shoutout to all you wonderful people who keep reading this story, I love you all so much! *turns on the waterworks* Oh, wait, this isn't an acceptance speech…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 30: Do The Leaves Not Change Color Throughout The Year?

XOXOX

Shikamaru did not move, _could_ not move after hearing his friend relay his tale with a voice devoid of any and all emotion. 

_This is Kakashi, too. A side to him I think no-one ever imagined existed. This is the life story of the man that cradled me in his arms as I cried about the unfairness of life. The man that never judged me_ _ **or**_ _my feelings. It must have sounded so childish to him… But can I really do the same for him?_

 _Yeah, I_ _ **can**_ _, because-_ "You're not that person anymore. Like you said, you changed. And even though I may not be able to completely understand what turned you into the person that did those things, I _do_ understand that back then, you weren't the same guy I call my friend today. But seriously, next time we're out there together, you gotta point me to one of those bars."

Kakashi smiled, he felt an incredible relief, like a weight had been lifted of his shoulders, "You're too young. I can't very well take you to a bar, let alone one where they will only treat you like a piece of meat, you deserve better than that."

"Man, what a drag…" 

The two men laughed together, feeling comfortable with each other once again. Finally, they calmed down, caught their breath. 

"Besides, Shikamaru, I haven't been to one of those in a long time. I think I might've gone rusty…" 

"No way! You're sexy as _fuck_!" Shikamaru quickly brought up a hand to cover his mouth, but it was already too late. 

"Hmmm? Think so, eh? Well, that's interesting…" Kakashi's voice sent shivers down the young man's spine. 

"Kakashi…" 

"What's wrong?" The older man almost purred. 

"Don't. Please, just, don't…"

"Fine," The copy ninja immediately shifted his voice back to normal, smirking. 

_He already sounds like_ _ **that**_ _all day, isn't that bad enough? Now, apparently, the man has a bedroom voice that would have me laying on my back in no time at all! And he thinks he's_ _ **rusty**_ _?!_

"You all right there, Shikamaru? Or are we going to have a repeat of the bathhouse incident? If you need a moment, all you have to do is tell me…" 

There was a naughty smile on his face, carried through to his voice. 

_This is amusement to him, isn't it? Dirty pervert. What a drag… Hey! Wait a minute, didn't he-_ "I thought you said you wanted to watch next time?" 

"Ah, so are you telling me I haven't missed out on any opportunities since then?" 

"I- uh- I-" _Basterd! He's got_ _ **way**_ _more experience with this!  
_

"And anyway, I wouldn't want to impose on your privacy."

"Didn't you already do that?" 

"Did I?" One eyebrow questioningly raised, Kakashi's demeanor was one of complete innocence. 

"Dude!" Shikamaru jumped up on his chair, before slumping back down. A tiny voice crept out from between his lips, "At the inn, weren't you _… listening_ that day…?"

"Well," The older man leaned back against the wall, another cigarette ready to be lighted, "It was kind of hard _not_ to hear you. But I _did_ try, at first." 

The cigarette caught fire and Kakashi inhaled deep, "I'd just woken up when I realized what you were up to, so I decided to watch the stairs for you. And by that, I mean listen to the stairs."

"Hell of a job you did," The boy muttered, "Sakura managed to get all the way up to your door before you noticed her…" 

"Ah, well…" He inhaled again, "I already told you, it was hard to concentrate. You're a pretty loud fucker, Shikamaru."

The Nara felt his blush deepen _again_. He'd been blushing for a while now, but _this_ … 

"I-I don't-… I mean-… I just-…" 

"Relax, I'm just teasing you. Although I can honestly tell you that you _should_ try to work on that… Getting caught with your hand down your pants sounds pretty damn humiliating to me." 

"I know, I-…" 

"Never mind that now, though. You want some tea?"

XOXO

"So, Kakashi, are you gonna be all right?" 

Shikamaru was staring down at his cup, Kakashi had smoked through the mask but he figured the man would have to take it off to drink his tea. And the young Nara had a vibrant memory of his older friend thanking him for not sneaking a peek at his face. 

"I think so," There was some rustling, fabric being pulled down an otherwise hidden face, "I've still got you, haven't I?" 

There was no humor in his voice, no hint of a joke. It seemed Kakashi still wasn't completely sure he _would_ still have his young friend around. 

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere, dude, so suck it up." 

"Oh _, trust_ me, I would like nothing more," The man was using his bedroom voice again and Shikamaru couldn't help it, his head shot up. 

The mask was firmly in place as the jounin smiled at him with that damned innocent look in his eye. 

"You making sex jokes again?! I was being serious here!" 

"So was I. And for your information, I _may_ be a pervert, but I'm no pedophile." 

"I'm not a kid, I told you…" 

"When it comes to sex, I can't agree with you on that." 

_And now he's serious again… How the hell does this guy switch so damned fast?! You never know what he'd gonna be like in ten seconds time. Is he_ _ **trying**_ _to throw me off my game or something? Because if he is, it's working…_

"So you _can_ agree so long as it's not about sex?" 

"Pretty much. If I didn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Good to hear that." 

Two heads snapped at the door to see who'd interrupted the friends' conversation. 

"Dad! What are _you_ doing here?!" 

"How did you get _in_ here?!" 

The older Nara smirked as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the doorframe.

"I'll answer Kakashi's question first, since that's the easy one – we picked your pocket. Or at least, Lady Hokage did. I was too busy holding you up since she'd sedated you before we came up with the idea to put you here. We've been handing the key off to one another ever since.  
As for Shikamaru's question… I wanted to check on you. Both of you. Kakashi was a mess when I saw him last , so I wanted to see how he was doing, and if he hadn't taken it out on you… No offense, Kakashi."

"None taken. But I'll be having my key back now." 

Shikaku shrugged, "Sorry, no can do. Hokage's orders." 

Kakashi's eye narrowed, "You _like_ this, don't you? Coming into my apartment whenever you damn well please, tying me up when I'm sedated… You having fun so far, Shikaku?" 

The jounin commander barked a laugh, "Only a little."


	31. A Letter That Needs Answering

**Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 31: A Letter That Needs Answering

XOXOX

 _It's been a whole day already, and I_ _ **still**_ _haven't heard from Kakashi-sensei… Face it Sakura, he'll never talk to you again…_

"Sakura? Honey, where's your head at? You've been staring at that bowl of rice for the last ten minutes."

"Oh, it's nothing, mom. I was just… Thinking about my studies is all," She tried a smile.  
 _Yeah, that's right, I got so hungry I decided to come down and have dinner, but now I can't even manage to swallow a single grain of rice… Oh I should've never come out of my room!  
_

The pinkette suddenly got up, "I think I'm gonna go study some more. Is it all right if I take this with me?" Not waiting for a reply, she picked up her rice bowl and fled up the stairs again. 

She didn't hear her father's worried voice asking what was wrong, nor her mother's scold for running in the house, she just escaped.

Back in her room, Sakura set the rice down on her desk before turning to lock the door.  
Walking out onto her balcony she sat down and watched as the sky grew dark.

XOXOX

"Kakashi, when we came in, Tsunade found a note on the floor. Did she give it to you yet?" 

"Yes, she did." 

The jounin picked up the small piece of paper laying on the bed next to him. Catching Shikamaru's confused look, he handed his young friend the note.

 _Kakashi-sensei,  
I'm sorry I hurt you the other day  
Could we please talk?  
Sakura_

The boy smirked before delivering a classic 'I told you so'. 

"Hmm, I suppose you did," Kakashi flashed a quick smile before turning serious again, "I should probably go talk to her, but I'm actually not sure if I'm up for that, yet…" 

"You're not going anywhere," Shikaku interjected, "If you feel like you need to talk to the girl, you're doing that right here." 

"Shikaku, it's not right for a grown, single man to entertain young girls in his bedroom!" 

Shikamaru snorted, Shikaku glared. 

_Those two are really quite different, even if they are so similar at the same time.  
_

"Cut the bull, Kakashi. If you really feel so strongly about it, I'll chaperone the two of you myself. That good enough for you?" 

"Are you _trying_ to scare the poor girl to death?! Shikaku, I like you, really, but have you _looked_ in a mirror lately? Even on a good day – which would be a dark night, you look like…. Well.  
Add _that_ to the shock of getting stuck with the one and only jounin commander slash scariest man in the entire village… Poor girl would have a heart attack…"

The man growled something about 'inconsequent, flirtatiously charming basterds', but the silver-haired shinobi paid him no mind. 

"I'll stay, dad. I've somehow managed to become a part of this whole mess, anyway." 

"That's true," Kakashi exclaimed excitedly, "And Shikamaru isn't scary. Well… not very…"

XOXOX

The sky had gotten completely dark and the stars were shining like distant fireflies.  
The food, still sitting on her desk, had gone cold- and so had Sakura. But she hardly noticed, her mind a million miles away. She didn't hear her name being called. Not the first time, nor the second.  
She only heard it the third time because Shikamaru had jumped up on her balcony and touched her shoulder.

"Shikamaru! What are _you_ doing here?" 

"I'm playing messenger-boy. It's a big drag, really, but someone's gotta do it. Anyway, Kakashi sent me." 

"Kakashi-sensei did? _Really_?!" 

The young man nodded, "Yeah, he can't really leave his house right now, so he asked me to go get you. If you want, that is." 

A light frown appeared on his forehead, but Sakura didn't notice, confused as she was about what she'd just heard. 

"Go over to _his_ place?" She sounded unsure. 

_I've never been to his place before, I wonder what it looks like…_

Images of walls covered in pornographic posters filled her mind. 

_No, I'm sure it's not like that. At the very least the posters would have guys on them, wouldn't they? But I really_ _ **do**_ _wonder why Kakashi-sensei can't leave his house…  
_

"Shikamaru, is Kakashi-sensei… hurt, or something?" 

"Eh… In a way… Look, I'll tell you on the way over, okay? I don't want to keep him waiting too long."

 _And I_ _ **really**_ _don't want to leave him alone with my dad any longer than I have to. Those two seem to be bickering about_ _ **everything**_ _. I never realized that Kakashi and my dad might not be able to stand each other, but it looks to be pretty clear that they don't.  
_

"Oh okay… Let me just get a jacket or something, I'll be right back."

"Oh, uh, Shikamaru? Do you mind if we leave from the balcony? I'd rather not have to explain to my parents why there was a boy in my room," She called from inside. 

Shikamaru chuckled, "Sure…" 

_Right... I_ _ **am**_ _a guy, after all, hide your daughters! Hah, more like, hide your sons…_

When Sakura came back out, Shikamaru noticed something, but tried very hard to hide that fact:  
Sakura was wearing Shino's hoodie…

XOXOX

"So what's wrong with Kakashi-sensei? Did he overdo his training or something like that? I mean, I could probably heal him, but wouldn't it be easier if he just went to the hospital?" 

They were walking through a dark and almost deserted Konoha. Most decent folks were already in bed. _It's actually kind of weird Sakura wasn't, now that I think about it. She seems like the kind of girl who would tuck herself in earlier rather than later…_

"He isn't hurt like that, Sakura. Listen, I need you to do me a favor, okay? I'm about to tell you something and whatever you do, _don't freak out on me_ , okay? I can't deal with girl-emotions, they're too much of a drag…"

The kunoichi nodded, obviously worried but trying to hide that, as she didn't want to upset him.  
Shikamaru stepped aside to let a couple of drunken party-goers pass. He waited until they were out of earshot. 

"Kakashi's had a lot on his plate for a long time, too long. And yesterday… He sort of collapsed. Anyway, it's not so much his body that's hurt, it's – " 

He stopped talking when he noticed the young woman beside him had started to cry. She was fighting to hold the tears back, but it was _clearly_ not working. 

"It- it's all my fault! I hurt him, and now he's –" 

"Sakura! I told you to _stay calm_. It's not _your_ fault, Kakashi said so himself." 

_Actually, he didn't. But I'm sure the man would agree…  
_

"Like I said, he's had too much on his plate for too long." 

_And_ _ **that**_ _, my friend, has_ _ **got**_ _to be the understatement of the year._

Sakura sniffed, "Ri-right" 

"Sakura… Look, please stop crying already… You're not doing the guy any favors showing up like that. Look, that's his place. Now take a moment and stop crying because Kakashi really doesn't need to see you like this." 

_What a drag… How does Kakashi_ _ **deal**_ _with that? For that matter, how does he deal with_ _ **me**_ _?_

XOXOX

As the lock turned, Shikaku got up to leave, "Are you _sure_ this'll be all right, Kakashi?" 

"About as sure as I'll ever be. Thanks Shikaku, but it'll be fine." 

"Have it your way, then." 

On his way out, Shikaku nodded to the two teenagers in the hall, while relieving his son of the key to Kakashi's apartment.  
As Sakura, wide-eyed and stuttering, tried to ask Shikamaru what his father was doing here, a familiar voice called out to her. 

"Sakura, thank you for coming. Don't worry about Shikaku, it's not important. Come on in!" 

So the girl followed Shikamaru into a room that could only be described as… _A bedroom?! What the hell! I knew Kakashi-sensei had no sense of decent manners, but really? His bedroom? Well, I guess I should at least be happy about the lack of sexy posters on the wall…  
_

She'd gotten nervous on the way over here, more nervous still upon seeing Shikaku Nara in the hall. But seeing Kakashi-sensei _really_ intended to talk to her in his _bedroom_ was the last straw.  
So even though her words weren't even so bad, her tone sounded like a whip. 

"Kakashi-sensei, you look like hell!" 

It was true, though, he _did_ look like hell.  
The jounin was sitting cross-legged on the bed, empty cigarette packs scattered all over the place. He had a huge bag under his one visible eye, and the skin around it was red and puffy, the man had obviously been crying. And smoking. Clearly a _lot_ of smoking… 

"Why, _thank_ you Sakura. _You_ look beautiful as always." 

She chose to ignore his little jab as she walked over to the window, opening it immediately. 

"How can you _breathe_ in here?!" 

"Second-hand smoke. Means I use less cigarettes." 

_Less?!_ _ **This**_ _was_ _ **less**_ _?!  
_

"Sit down, Sakura," The jounin gestured to the chair next to him, "I'm sorry you had to come all this way out here just to see your sensei crack, but since you're here, why not make yourself comfortable?"

The kunoichi took her sensei's advise and sat down, watching Shikamaru make himself comfortable on the floor. The Nara's back was leaning against the desk, his legs stretched till they disappeared under the bed. It was quite clear he intended to stay. 

Even though this annoyed her, Sakura decided to just deal with it. Asking the question that had been burning on her lips for days, "Sensei, what happened?" 

Kakashi leaned back against the wall, picking a cigarette from a new pack, "Do you want the long story or just the summary?"

XOXOX

 _ **A/N**_ _: Please let me know what you think, let's see if I can't drag another review out…_


	32. I'm So Sorry, Sensei

AUTHORS NOTE: Please R&R, my dear lurkers ^.^

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 32: I'm So Sorry, Sensei

XOXOX

Shikamaru listened as Kakashi gave Sakura the kiddy version of the story the jounin had told him before. There was no new information in it, so he let his mind wander. Thinking back on all the times he'd heard someone complain about his silver-haired friend. And over the years he'd heard a _lot_ of complaints. Usually they had something to do with his friends inability to show up on time, but there were also many instances where he'd overheard people complaining about his easy-going way of dealing with… Just about anything, really. And of course people had many things to say about the jounins love for his perverted books. 

_I wonder how he got into those, I mean, Jiraiya writes them, right? So it's bound to have plenty of naked girls and stuff… Not the kind of thing you'd expect a gay man to read, let alone be so addicted to! But then, why…?_

Shifting slightly, the Nara's hand snaked up the side of the desk, grabbing hold of the book that had been pushed aside to accommodate for the mountain of cigarette packs. He opened it at random and started reading. 

Within seconds, the young man's cheeks started to burn.

"… So none of this is your fault, Sakura, really. Yes, it _did_ hurt when you said that, but mostly just because it convinced me that you hate me. And I don't ever want you to hate me… You don't, right? Please say you don't hate me…" Kakashi's voice trailed off. 

His eye glanced over the boy on the floor.  
 _Still reading? I_ _ **should**_ _probably put an end to that, it's not exactly suitable reading material for someone his age… Oh well…_

Sakura hadn't noticed her sensei's slight lapse in attention, shocked as she was about everything he'd just told her. 

"No sensei, I don't hate you. Not at all. I was afraid _you_ hated _me_." 

Kakashi's eye widened, "How could I ever hate _you_?!" 

"I- I said mean things to you…" 

She could feel tears burning in her eyes, and that wasn't just because of the smoke that still seemed to fill the room. _I can't cry. Shikamaru told me that would only serve to hurt Kakashi-sensei more. And I don't want to hurt him_ _ **ever**_ _again!  
_

"Sakura," His voice sounded warm, "It's okay. You can cry if you want, I won't judge," A wry smile, "I've been doing way too much crying lately to judge anyone at this point…"

XOXOX

Iruka had never felt so blockaded in his whole, entire life. Every time he tried to go over to Kakashi's place, he was intercepted. First, it was the Hokage with a mountain of paperwork that, honestly, was _her_ job. Next, Shizune had picked him up after class had ended to ask some weird questions about jutsu that she _should_ know about, being a jounin and all. But she'd insisted on buying him tea while picking his brain. After, he'd stopped for a quick bite to eat over at Ichi Raku, but Teuchi had some sort of trouble with the stove, so that took longer than expected. Weird, Ichi Raku'd _neve_ r had problems with the stove before, Iruka was sure of it, still the man had insisted it was a recurring problem that just needed a little time, 'Please don't go anywhere Iruka-sensei, you're ramen will be right up!' Yeah, right. It'd taken almost twenty minutes before he got his food…

And now, of all the people, _Shikaku Nara_ had decided he needed to talk to Iruka. And he'd _insisted_ they do so at the Nara complex as well, way on the other side of town from where Kakashi lived.  
All the way over there, Shikaku didn't say a word, and Iruka didn't know _what_ to say.  
So they walked in silence…

Shikaku walked as slowly as he thought he could possibly get away with, trying to think of something, _anything_ , to talk to the schoolteacher about. Anything that would stall the man long enough so he wouldn't go up to Kakashi's place again tonight.

 _Why did I agree to do this again? If Kakashi feels like he can deal with his student, why not this guy? Isn't he like one of his best friends?  
Right… With Kakashi that's probably a relative term…  
_

The jounin commander had already called in several favors trying to comply with the copy ninja's request. But he was fresh out of favors and, to be honest, fresh out of ideas at this point. 

_I got to think of something to talk about! I can't just drag this guy all across town to my place and then have nothing to say… Come on, think! There's got to be_ _ **something**_ _… Oh, how did I ever get sucked into this…?_

XOXOX

"Shikaku, could I ask a favor of you?" The man crushed his umpteenth cigarette bud, reaching for a new one almost instinctively. 

"What favor is that?" 

"Well…" A match lit up, touching to the cigarette tip as Kakashi took a deep breath, "You see, Iruka was here, yesterday. When I wasn't home." 

The jounin blew smoke circles, smiling when they all turned out perfectly, "Anyway, he was probably trying to check up on me. I take it you've heard me muttering about when I talked to him? Day before yesterday, that was… Big mistake."

"I've heard you 'mutter' about _not_ telling Iruka something." 

Another batch of perfect circles drifted up to the ceiling, "The blood, don't tell Iruka about the blood. I remember." 

Shikaku waved his hand in front of his face, trying to clear some of the smoke away, "So what's the favor then?" 

The guy on the bed had pretty much been staring up at the ceiling this whole time, save for when he grabbed another cigarette, but now his gaze turned to Shikaku, his face dead serious. 

"Keep him away from me." Kakashi's gaze floated to the ceiling again, "Not that I have a problem with the man, really I don't, but… I just can't see him right now." 

"I could just tell him the truth, Iruka's not the kind of guy to get all heartbroken over something as simple as his friend needing space…" 

Kakashi was still looking up, but somehow his whole demeanor changed, he almost growled at the older man, "Anything _but_ , I swear Shikaku, _anything_ but the truth." Then, the man seemed to relax again, "Just stall him for a little while, it'll be all right."

As the lock turned, Shikaku got up to leave, "Are you _sure_ this'll be all right, Kakashi?" 

"About as sure as I'll ever be. Thanks Shikaku, but it'll be fine." 

"Have it your way, then." 

On his way out, Shikaku nodded to the two teenagers in the hall, while relieving his son of the key to Kakashi's apartment.

XXOXOX

 _We're almost at the gate and I_ _ **still**_ _got nothing. 'Just stall him' yeah, right. Easier said than done, Kakashi. Now what do I do?_

"Iruka!" Yoshino greeted the younger man, "How nice to see you again!" And after one look at her husband she continued, "You simply _must_ come in, there's _so_ much to talk about!"

 _God, I love that woman._


	33. Friends Stick Together

AUTHORS NOTE: Just a little more banter, because I love it so much, please R&R!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 33: Friends Stick Together

XOXOX

"I swear, that girl was crying so hard I thought her eyeballs were gonna pop out, how do you _deal_ with that crap?" 

Shikamaru had put away the book as soon as Sakura glared at him, and now she had left and he was venting his frustration over it by ridiculing the girl in front of Kakashi. 

_That's kind of sweet, the kid's so embarrassed he's actually turning on Sakura. Grown-up, my ass. They're still just teenagers…  
_

"So… did the crying interrupt your reading, then?" 

"Kakashi!" 

"What? Honest question… Besides, you shouldn't even be reading that junk to begin with." 

It seemed the copy ninja had finally stopped his chain-smoking, now he was simply leaning back against the wall as he studied his young friend. 

"Then why do you have it laying around?" 

"This is my _home_ , Shikamaru, my _bedroom_. I have a _lot_ of things laying around here that you're simply too young for." 

"Oh?" The boy turned red again, but he also seemed… eager? "Show me!" 

The silver-haired man pulled his legs up on his bed, easing himself into a more comfortable position. 

"I don't think I should do that. Didn't I just say you were too young? And didn't we already agree that when it comes to sex you're _still_ a kid? I think we did, I could be wrong. Am I wrong, Shikamaru?" The jounin quirked one eyebrow, he was having fun. 

"So now you're basically admitting to owning sex toys, or what?" 

"Possibly…"

"Oh my god! You are, you _so_ are!" The boy leaped to his feet, pointing at his older friend. 

"See what I mean? Kid." 

"Oh shut up, age is such a drag, anyway. Come on, show me your stuff! " Shikamaru was grinning wide at this point, a very unnerving sight to anyone who knew him. 

"Say, Shikamaru… When was the last time you actually slept at all?" 

"What?" The boy shot him a quizzical look, "Here, I guess… Why?" 

Kakashi sighed.  
 _No wonder…_

"So… You didn't sleep at all, last night. The night before, when you slept here, it was only a couple hours… A few during the day as well, but you were emotionally exhausted so I guess those don't really count. And on the way back home from our mission we cut back on sleep time to make up for that day we stayed at the inn... No wonder you're getting hyper – it's as simple as lack of sleep." 

"I'm _so_ not getting hyper!" 

"Yes, you are. You didn't happen upon my sake by any chance, did you? I wasn't really paying attention to you, so…" 

Shikamaru sat down next to him on the bed, leaning his back against the wall like Kakashi was doing in an attempt to look his friend in the eye. 

"No, I did _not_ find your secret stash, like I told you, I don't care for the taste anyway. If it's missing you should probably go ask the Hokage about that."

The silver-haired jounin smiled, "It's not missing as far as I know, I was just wondering. It's just hyperactivity from sleep deprivation, then. And please don't start telling me you're _not_ hyper again, it's really just too plain to miss."

The boy crossed his arms and pulled his face in a pout, "Fine," He sighed. 

To Kakashi, it was about the cutest damn thing he'd ever seen the boy do. But he'd never tell him that, so instead, he asked if Shikamaru was staying the night on the futon again. 

"It's late, so yeah, if you'll have me." 

"I'd greatly appreciate the company," The jounin said with a smile. 

"Well, I wasn't supposed to leave you alone, anyway. Hokage said that if I wanted to leave I had to either wait for her of dad to show up, or sent a message so that they could come relieve me of my duty," He smirked, "It's gotta be a drag being you right now."

The jounin nodded contemplatively, unconsciously reaching for his pack of smokes again. 

"I'd say that's about right… So they wouldn't even let me alone to sleep, eh? Sounds just like her, I'll give her that. So, say I need to use the bathroom, you required to come with?" 

"Dude, never!" 

"You sure? I could have another kunai or two stashed away there… Or some toys for in the bath," He winked at the young Nara, he'd gotten him to blush again.

XOXOX

Sakura had gotten home without her parents ever noticing she was missing, or, at least, that's what it looked like. The door wasn't broken down and the both of them were fast asleep in their own room. 

_I think I'll be able to sleep tonight, too. After I eat something.  
_

The girl pulled a face, even the cold rice sitting on her desk seemed appetizing at the moment.  
Going into the kitchen, she replayed her sensei's words over and over in her head. 

' _Yes, it_ _ **did**_ _hurt when you said that, but mostly just because it convinced me that you hate me. And I don't ever want you to hate me… You don't, right? Please say you don't hate me…'  
I really don't hate you sensei, I may be grossed out a little, but I'm sure that will fade. I don't hate you. How could I? You're my sensei._

XOXOX

It had gotten _extremely_ late by the time he'd freed himself from Yoshina Nara's incessant babbling. Not that he minded talking with her, Iruka was a kind man and as such was always very pleased to see others take an interest in his students, his lives' work and joy.  
However…. He'd had other plans for the day. 

And another weird thing, as soon as Yoshina had ushered him into her kitchen, sitting him down while preparing some tea, Shikaku had vanished. Didn't the man say he wanted to talk to Iruka?  
There was something going on here, and it smelled incredibly fishy. 

However, he'd had no chance to ask the wife about it, and now he was standing in the street in front of the Nara complex. Realizing it was too late to visit Kakashi today. 

_Tomorrow, I'll definitely go tomorrow._

XOXOX

"Shikamaru?! Where's Kakashi?" 

"Taking a shower, you didn't think I was gonna follow him in _there_ , did you?" 

_Kakashi was right, it's kind of nerve-wrecking how people can suddenly be standing in the middle of your bedroom without you knowing they were even in the apartment!  
_

Skikamaru looked up at the Hokage, she was biting down on her nail again, a sure sign she didn't really know what to do at this point. 

"Shikamaru-" 

"Hokage-" 

They looked at each other in surprise before the shadow-user nodded, "You first." 

"I think you should go home now. I'm actually surprised you're still here at this point, but I'm happy to see you kept your promise and haven't left him alone. But you should go get some rest now. I'll take over." 

"Are you going to tie me up again, Lady Tsunade?" 

Kakashi had appeared in the doorway, one towel hanging precariously from his hip-bones, a washcloth tied around his face, while his hands busied themselves with toweling his hair dry.

Shikamaru thought his friend looked _way_ too hot right now, but he couldn't very well say anything about it with the Hokage still in the room, so he said the other thing he had on his mind. 

"Look, I'm gonna stay the night here, don't worry Lady Hokage, I won't let him do anything to hurt himself. There's no need to tie him up, if this somehow _does_ get out of hand, I still have my shadows." 

Kakashi let the towel he'd been using drop to the floor, he was so surprised he even forgot to keep his left eye closed. 

"Shadows?! _Hurt_ myself?! Shikamaru, who do you think I _am_? I'm not some broken teenager that needs to be restrained, I'm just…" 

"I _know_ that, it's the Hokage that seems to have forgotten. There's no way I think you're actually going to do something like that, but my mom taught me that the woman is always right, even when they're wrong." 

The Nara shrugged, trying hard to fight the urge to look up at the Hokage. Knowing his smirk would get him into even more trouble than his words probably already did. 

"You two are just- Ugh! _Fine_! Have it your way! Anything _else_ you need before I let you enjoy your peaceful little night together?" 

She'd put her hands on her hips and was now trying to stare the two men down. An action that miserably failed as both of them were on opposite sides of her. 

"Cigarettes-" 

"Food would be nice-" 

The two men burst out laughing, breaking the tension that had been building up in the room.  
The blonde threw her arms up in the air, "Fine!" she huffed.  
As she stormed out, she could hear the two laugh again. 

" _This_ is the thanks you get for trying to help," She muttered under her breath. But really, she was thankful to the young Nara heir, hearing Kakashi laugh had been the best part of her day.


	34. Team Gai Reunites

AUTHORS NOTE: Starting up a new arc soon, so this little chappy will be the introduction to that. Sorry peeps, no Kakashi or Shikamaru, no references to _anything_ about what's going on with them at this point. Just because I can ;)

So, AnimePop31 was nice enough to point out to me that my dialogue and stuff can get a bit hard to understand at times because of the way I space things.  
I've tried to clear that up in this chapter, please let me know if it's easier to read now, because if so, I need to rework all the beta's I've already done in advance, and I'd really like to know sooner rather than later, because it's quite a bit of work. (And it also means that I can start writing with that spacing intact so it wouldn't have to all depend on the beta so much, because I really _hate_ doing beta. If anyone wants to beta for me, please, please I beg you, please, let me know)

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 34: Team Gai Reunites

XOXOX

"Escort missions are _so_ boring…" Tenten folded her hands behind her head.  
Team Gai had just walked into a small village in the Land of Wheat in order to report in for their assignment.

"Tenten! Where is your youthful spirit?! This mission is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the power or our youth!"

"Oh, Gai-sensei!" As usual, Lee looked at his sensei with tears streaming down his face, "You are right, Gai-sensei! We will use the power of our youth to complete this mission perfectly!"  
Tenten sighted, sometimes it would be just be _so_ nice to have a normal sensei and normal teammates.

But she wouldn't want to trade this team for any other.

Neji, too, had let out a small sigh at the over-enthusiastic words of his jumpsuit-clad teammates. He also agreed with Tenten about the not-so-exciting nature of their current mission. However, the Hyuga was not one to complain and so he remained silent. Still, a small smile tucked at the corners of his mouth, Neji was pleased to be reunited with his old team once more.

It had been nothing more than a fluke, a stroke of luck. The client had requested to be escorted by four ninja, and at the time, they had been the only four on stand-bye.

That is, according to Lady Hokage they were. Neji was certain there were other shinobi available, like Kakashi or Shikamaru, Asuma too. But he also knew that both his old sensei and his younger mirror-image had been hounding Lady Tsunade to put the four of them on a mission together for old time's sake. It would seem that the blonde had finally succumbed to their relentless efforts, creating this opportunity for all of them to enjoy each other's company once more.  
Even _if_ it was cringe-worthy _un_ pleasant at times.

XOXOX

"Sensei, I do not believe I can remain calm for much longer," The young main stood straight – although the phrase 'stiff as a board' seemed more accurate – in front of Gai. The jounin replied with some forced enthusiastic remark, but Neji couldn't care less about that. 

_Lee's right, this is bordering on intolerable. Not only did this man hire four incredibly capable shinobi to be little more than pack mules, but he's insulting us at every turn. Tenten's already snapped twice. As a shinobi I cannot agree with that, but as a person I cannot fault her for it either.  
Just one more day. One more day and we're through here. One more day and I can get back to missions that are actually worth my time. _

__"What are ya lazy scums doin' _now_?! Ya really _that_ pathetic that ya can't even carry a simple pack with ya?! You're useless, useless I tell ya!"

 _Another insult. If this guy ever makes it to the bingo-book I would_ _ **gladly**_ _take him out._ Even though Neji knew this would never happen, the thought seemed to cheer him up a bit. Ignoring Tenten and Lee's protests at the client he picked up his – unusually large – pack again and started walking. _Five days of this… At first, Gai-sensei had persisted in calling this, this insanely heavy pack we're all carrying 'training'. But even_ _ **he's**_ _given up on that by now. I can honestly say that I can't wait for this mission to be over.  
Teaming up with them again seemed like fun, at first. And it would've probably been fun on pretty much any other mission. But now… One more day…_

But as the client stepped in a rabbit-hole, one day turned into two, then three. Gai-sensei had to carry the fat, egocentric man on his back while the pack he'd been carrying was divided between the other three. Slowing all their movements, prolonging their journey.

As time dragged on, the insults multiplied, Gai being the one bearing the brunt of it.

XOXOX

"If this goes on much longer I think might kill this guy," Tenten whispered. 

Night had fallen and as their client lay fast asleep the four shinobi huddled around their little campfire, thankful for the little bit of warmth it provided. At this point, even Neji agreed wholly with the kunoichi, though he didn't say so out loud. 

"Tomorrow we will reach our destination, Tenten. I am sure of it!" 

"Let's hope so, Lee. Because I _really_ can't take any more of this…" 

The Hyuga felt tempted to add his voice to the string of complaints as well, but being raised in the side branch of the family had thought him how to swallow just about anything without uttering a word. So, instead, he opted for suggesting they'd get some rest. After all, if they wanted this mission to be over, they would have to keep up a steady pace tomorrow. Which meant they had to give their bodies time to rest up tonight.

XOXOX

They'd left the most annoying client ever at his cousins house as per his request.

 _The only_ _ **good**_ _thing about this mission is the fact that it ended in the Land of Fire, so we can get home quick. Let's just hope that the next mission will be something more worthy of our skills._ Neji mused as he jumped from tree to tree. _This was not a B-rank escort at all. The guy_ _ **may**_ _be related to a nobleman in the Land f Fire, but I couldn't exactly describe him as a VIP. Even if my life were to depend on it. Add to that the fact that there was absolutely no threat to his person, and it becomes quite clear he should've just hired a moving company to move all his junk.  
I sincerely hope Lady Hokage has something better planned for my next mission, of I might even be tempted to decline…_

But at least the way home was fun, hanging out with the old team again. Everyone was so relieved their mission from hell had ended they made for a rowdy bunch. Even the Hyuga participated in the conversation. Laughing with his teammates and even daring to crack a joke or two about their last client.

All in all, they had a good three days.  
Normally, Gai would be pushing their speed, Lee coming in as a close second to the incessant 'training talk'.

But not this time. This time they set their pace to a more comfortable level. Allowing themselves to enjoy the reunion. And of course, they also enjoyed the fact that they were rid of one of the most obnoxious clients any of them had ever had to deal with.

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _I know this seems to be going absolutely nowhere, but trust me, I have a plan… Sorta… When I feel like writing it…. :P  
Don't worry, though, I still have some time to go before I have to start to work this little sid-arc in, by then I'll probably get more excited about it… Or maybe not. Either way, I know it's important for the story to unfold properly, so I'll manage it ;)_


	35. A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage

AUTHORS NOTE: Guys, I´m back! After not uploading for a whole... Gasps, _Two days!_  
Did you miss me?

Sorry for repeating so much dialogue, but I just wanted to give Tsunade's point of view in all this, and these conversations were a pretty big deal to the story… 

Tried to stick to the layout plan, but I find it kinda difficult, let me know if I did okay, please.  
Maybe with a little more encouragement I'll grow more comfortable with this way of spacing things…  
(Again, thanks AnimePop31)  
Oh and, this whole change of perspective, including more characters… That was planned :P  
Not because you praised me on using more characters, just wanted to let you know, Anime! xD

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 35: A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage

XOXOX

Tsunade rummaged through the kitchen, _What a dump, where's the bloody sake? Doesn't this guy ever_ _ **drink**_ _?_ She sighted. Probably not. Bottled up feelings and such. _She_ drank to let those feelings _out_ , which was probably the exact reason why Kakashi didn't have any alcohol in his place. _I'll go check on the patient, then._

XOXOX

As she walked into the bedroom, Tsunade thought _If looks could kill, I'd be a pile of ashes right about now…  
_ Regardless, she kept her tone light and warm, years of experience in the medical field had prepared her for such situations, "Ah… Good, you're awake. I wasn't sure if I hadn't accidentally overdosed you" 

The man on the bed groaned something, he probably _thought_ he sounded a lot clearer than he actually did, but again, Tsunade's experience came to her rescue; This was the questions they always asked, after all. 

"Still groggy, I see. Yes, well, I tried to sedate you, but there was no effect; so I upped the dose," She hesitated but a moment, "About three times…" 

"What happened?" _He's recovering from the sedative in a rapid pace… That's good, I suppose, but now what? You don't tell someone who's just had a mental breakdown that they did just that.  
_

_But this_ _ **is**_ _Kakashi. The man seems to have this amazing resilience, not to mention the eerie ability to change 'back to normal' right in front of you eyes… Shikaku said that he never wanted to see that happen again, I think… I think I might agree with him…  
But, back to the task at hand here.  
_

"You had a nervous breakdown in my office, Kakashi. Shikaku explained that was the reason you were late in the first place, and here we are" 

"So you sedated me and tied me up on my own bed? Lady Hokage, I never knew you had a kinky side," Watching the still groggy man's attempt at a naughty smile proved to be too funny, soon enough Tsunade found herself wiping away tears of laughter, while the other chuckled as well. 

_Somehow, he'll be all right again. And until that time comes we will watch over him. Shikaku and me._

 __"Where's Shikamaru?" Out of the blue, the jounin was completely serious again, demanding an answer.

"Shikamaru? Why do you ask?"

"He's my friend, he'll be worried if he doesn't hear from me after… How long has it been?" He was looking anxious, and Tsunade instantly understood.

"About a day. It's starting to get dark out again," She paused for a moment, checking her theory over one more time, "Do you want me to get Shikamaru?"

"Please, and if you could untie me, I'd be forever in your debt" 

The kunoichi smiled at him, "I think you already are. But I'm not leaving you alone, untied, in your own house. I found twelve kunai already. No to mention about twenty senbon and a colorful assortment of other handy, sharp objects. I'll untie you before Shikamaru comes in, but not a minute sooner." 

"Fine," He all but huffed, "Then, since you won't untie me, could you get me something from the store?" 

_Is he embarrassed to ask something so simple of me? Sure looks like it…_ "What do you need, Kakashi? I'll be glad to help," She smiled at him, trying to comfort the young man. 

"Could you," He licked his lips, she could see it through the mask. _Nervous habit?_ "Could you please get me some cigarettes?" 

" _Cigarettes_?!" The blonde wasn't sure what kind of requests she'd been expecting, but definitely not this one. 

"Yeah… I…" He licked his lips again. _Maybe he's just thirsty, though.  
_ "It's a stress-release… You're afraid I'll hurt myself, I get that, but… I just want smoke, Tsunade…" 

"All right… I'll get them for you. Just this once, though!" She warned, watching the jounin nod before she left the room. 

Suddenly though, she remembered something, "Oh, I almost forgot," She popped her head back in. "This was on the floor by the door when we came in, looks like it was shoved under your door," She handed him a piece of paper, "You better be _extremely_ careful with that, Kakashi. Those things are rare. I'll go get Shikamaru now, there's water next to the bed, I made sure you could reach it." 

"Thanks…"

XOXOX

The cool night air brushed against Tsunade's face as she exited Kakashi's apartment. 

_Cigarettes, the man want cigarettes! It's bad enough I have_ _ **one**_ _chain-smoking shinobi… Although he said he only smokes when he's stressed out… Which would probably account for the fact that I've never seen the man a single fag before; he needs them for stress-relief.  
I know a thing or two about __**that**_ _… Even though I can't even_ _ **begin**_ _to imagine everything he's gone through, I have to admit his stress levels seem to be through the roof right now. Bloody whores, eh? Whatever drove him to_ _ **that**_ _point we may never know… But I sure as_ _ **hell**_ _will do everything I can to help him now.  
_

She flagged a storeowner that was about to close up, the man couldn't very well deny the Hogake so he grudgingly let her in. _Let's see… So many different brands! I forgot to ask which one… Oh well…_

"Just give me all the cigarettes you've got, please."

"But Milady! New supplies won't come in for another three days…!"

"I'm paying for them, aren't I?" Suddenly, Tsunade realized she might be acting a little irrational right now, the man needed to be able to supply to his customers after all. It would be pretty bad if he lost customers because of her… "You know what, just keep some for your other customers, but I want the rest," She pulled a storage scroll out of her sleeve and began making the signs, "Also… Some matches please… Plenty of them"

"Yes, ma'am!" The man probably wasn't used to selling large quantities of _anything_ ; just a simple corner store in one of the older neighborhoods in Konoha. He'd probably never even seen her up close…

Leaving the store, Tsunade's mind returned to her previous contemplations.  
 _I've always believed Konoha to be a pretty open-minded village, but apparently I missed a couple things… If Kakashi hadn't felt the need to hide his true self the way he did, then none of this would've happened…_

XOXOX

The Nara complex was just up ahead, so she decided to put these thoughts out of her mind for now, and instead focus on finding Shikamaru.  
He proved to be an easy man to find, sitting on the steps of his front porch. Tsunade walked up to him.

She called his name as softly as she could, trying not to startle the young man who's mind seemed to be a million miles away, "Kakashi wants to see you. I take it your father told you some about what happened last night? "

The young Nara nodded, "He said Kakashi had a nervous breakdown, due to the fact he's been living a double life all these years. Said the man was saying things I don't have the proper clearance to hear, but that he couldn't seem to be able to stop. Or so I was told… But dad also said he's ask Kakashi if he wanted to see me once he felt a bit better." 

_So Shikaku is also aware of the close relation between the two. Not that it should surprise me.  
But why would Shikaku lie to his own son? This kid had got to be one of the most brilliant minds I've ever met, what could he possibly have hoped to gain from lying to him?  
_

"You don't believe him?" She quirked an eyebrow before moving to sit next to the young man, this could prove to be interesting…

"No, not really. I _do_ believe Kakashi broke down; I should've seen it coming. But I highly doubt that I can't see him because him spewing classified intell. Dad knows I'm not the kind of guy that pays attention to something like that. He should've realized that bullshit wouldn't work on me"

 _That's what I thought… I probably would have told him that his friend just wasn't up to having visitors yet… But Shikaku never does anything without a reason. I'll ask him about it later._

 _But right now, I think this brat deserves the truth, besides, if_ _ **I**_ _don't tell him I'm sure Kakashi will. I'd rather do it myself and be able to gauge his reaction. He probably thinks no-one can see through that mask of his, well I'm not going to burst that bubble- it's way too useful._

 __"You're right. Kakashi _was_ muttering endlessly, though, it wasn't so much classified information as… Personal"

"I'm his _friend_!"

Tsunade suppressed a smirk, _You sure are… The only person he wants to see right now. But I can't let you near him unless you understand this, brat!_

 __"I know. Which is why I'm telling you this. Now listen.  
Often times when a person is in acute psychological distress their mind returns to a specific time in their lives. Those can either be happy memories- creating an escape- or… Worse.

Kakashi seemed to return to a place of intense pain. Now, I haven't really had the chance to speak with him yet, so I don't know any details about these memories. But from what we could hear…  
Both your father and I managed to decipher some of it, and they weren't the kind of things _anyone_ should hear. _Especially_ his friends.

Do you understand that, Shikamaru?"

She noticed the boy's frown, and the fact that it took him a long time to reply, _Was it too difficult for him? No. I imagine he's just too worried about his friend to properly focus right now._

 __"Are you saying that the man should just keep everything bottled up? 'Cause that seemed to be doing him a hell of a lot of good last time around."

He sounded upset, angry even. The tone drew out a weary smile from the medic; ; "No, I really don't think he should bottle _anything_ up at this point. But there's talking to someone and overhearing them mutter the same words over and over. It was… distressing. For both Shikaku and me."

 _I hope he can process_ _ **that**_ _. It's a lot to take in, isn't it? Your best friend breaking down and then muttering things to himself that can even upset people like your father and a legendary medical ninja.  
I'll give him some time… He __**needs**_ _to understand this._

 __It took Shikamaru a long time before he spoke again, carefully choosing his words; "So I wasn't allowed to see him before because Kakashi was apparently rambling about things I shouldn't hear… But now _you're_ here, at his request…  
Does that mean you want to forbid me from talking to him about what happened?"

 _It_ _ **would**_ _be nice if I could do that, if I could somehow convince the man to talk to me instead… But it seems that you're the one he chose to speak to. I suppose I should just be glad there's_ _ **someone**_ _Kakashi feels he can talk to…_

"No. I know you two have become close in the last few weeks, and the last thing I want to do at this point is to strain that relationship. You seem to be the only person who manages to make Kakashi speak freely and I already told you, I think he _needs_ to talk about it.  
But I _do_ want you to be careful. Don't push him into talking about… _Anything_ really… Just… Try to be as gentle as you can be." 

_That's all I can really say about it. The kid hasn't had any training in dealing with mental stress, but he's a smart one, I just have to believe in him._

 __The kid in question had turned his gaze toward the stars, he didn't even look in her direction as he spoke; "I won't. I know how it feels to be in his position; he never pushed me either. People should be allowed to share things on their own time, not because someone else is pushing them"

 _What the hell do these two_ _ **talk**_ _about? Is Shikamaru in some sort of trouble too? How do I never seem to notice these things?! Grr… It's the paperwork, I swear, if I could just- No. I just need to work harder…  
_

"What?" The young voice held mountains of frustration, making him almost sound… older. 

_Oh boy, that's the sound of annoyance… How long have I been staring off, then? Ah, but I might as well try to get some answers, right?  
_ "I'm sorry, I guess I was just wondering how you two became so close, anyway. As far as I know, you've never really talked much until recently and now all of the sudden you're best buds"

"I suppose…" Looking back up at the stars the Nara sighted, "I guess it's because he realized what was going on before I even knew I needed a friend…" He stopped talking, making Tsunade wonder what else he'd planned on saying. 

_Wait a minute… Could it be?_

 __"Shikamaru," He tentative voice was soft, "Are you trying to tell me… Do you like men, Shikamaru?"

It seemed her question had startled the young Nara, Tsunade wanted to punch herself in the gut for putting him in this position. If it was true, that meant she'd just pushed him – right after the both of them agreeing that pushing someone was a bad way to deal with sensitive problems! And if it _wasn't_ true… It could also embarrass the young man that she would think that. Successfully creating another reason to never tell her anything.

But eventually the young man replied. In a groaning, quiet voice as if it hurt him; "Asuma"

 _Oh… Poor kid. That's… just… Did Kakashi realize this? Was this the last straw for him? I can certainly imagine. The poor boy, bad enough to realize you're gay in a place where it's – apparently – a complete no-go, but to then fall for one of your best friends, who's also your sensei. Who has had a relationship with the same woman for years…_

 __"That's gotta be rough." Her voice didn't come out right, didn't say everything she'd meant to say. Like how immensely sorry she felt for him, or how she wished there was something, _anything_ she could do for him.

"Yeah… I think I disgust him now. But Kakashi was there for me, and I'd like to be there for him," Suddenly, the boy got up from his spot on the porch. It was a clear sign he didn't want to talk about this anymore. She couldn't blame him, realizing just how hard telling her must've been for him.

XOXOX

Walking back through town with the young man beside her, Tsunade couldn't help but think about what she'd just heard. Combining it with the knowledge she'd obtained over the last twenty-four hours. 

_So Shikamaru too, eh? I wonder how many more. How many people in this village are hiding their sexuality because they think they won't be accepted if they come out?  
This has to change._

 __"Shikamaru?"

"Yeah?" _He's keeping his eyes on the road ahead, is he afraid to face me now that I know?_

 __"I was just wondering… Have you talked to people about-…"

"I know what you mean. No, not really. Haven't even thought about it yet. I used to think I was the only one, like there was something wrong with me or something. Until Kakashi interfered. He's the one that talked me into telling my dad; although dad doesn't know about Asuma. And I don't want him to ever find out. I haven't really thought beyond that yet."

 _Kakashi talked you into talking to Shikaku? Now that's unexpected… But, wait, something about this is bugging me…_ "Earlier you seemed to say that you've spoken to Asuma as well, is that true?"

"Yeah. Didn't go well. Don't want to talk about it."

 _Well that was undeniably clear…_ "Got it."

They'd reached Kakashi's apartment complex at this point, so rather than continue this conversation - that would probably end up being an argument pretty soon. She started walking up the stairs.

XOXOX

"Wait here," Tsunade brushed passed the Nara in the narrow hallway, stepping into the jounin's bedroom and closing the door behind her. 

"You know, you really don't have to tie me up like this. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else…"

The blonde sighted, wiping a hand over weary eyes, "You say that, but I've got no proof of the matter. Anyway, I brought Shikamaru with me, and also your cigarettes." She went to work on undoing the straps that held the silver-haired man secure, noticing the slight widening of his grey eye as he whispered a thank-you.

"Surprised?" Tsunade cocked her head as she looked at her patient, she honestly had not expected him to be so grateful. The thank-you wasn't said as an obligation; it had a lot more weight than that.  
"I am. You _did_ seem pretty reluctend"

She sighted again, "I still am, Kakashi, but if they help you relax I guess it's worth it. Just don't turn into Asuma" 

She quickly folded the leather straps, laying them on the chair. Pulling the storage scroll out of her sleeve she dumped the cigarettes on his desk, sealing the straps inside the scroll instead.

Kakashi had gotten up, now, sitting on the edge of his bed. She tossed him a pack and the matches she'd bought, "Need anything else?"

"No, I'm good, thanks,"

Throwing one more look at the jounin on the bed, she opened the door, "I'll leave you two alone, then."

Then, looking at the boy in the hallway, "Just don't go off before someone else gets here, I don't want to leave him alone right now," Tsunade waited for the boy to agree before leaving the apartment. 

Standing outside the apartment once more, Tsunade shivered. _It's getting cold out… Man, I need a drink!  
_ And so, the Hokage ended up in her favorite bar.

XOXOX

It had been… Hours, probably, when her drinking was interrupted by Shikaku. 

"Lady Hokage, did you take the sealing scroll with you? I didn't see it over there."

"What? Oh, Shikaku. I… _think_ I did? Lemme check," Feeling inside her sleeve she pulled the little scroll out with a triumphant 'Here it is!'

"Good. I believe my son is still with him, but it's getting late and the boy has had no sleep last night. So I'd like to take the scroll with me if that's all right with you."

"Hmmm…" Tsunade downed the last of her sake, "I'll go. I want to see how he's doing anyway."

The jouin commander nodded, "Very well. I'll be at home then, unless there is anything else you require?"

She smiled, "I'm good. I'll sent Shikamaru home as soon as I get there."

"Thank you."

XOXOX

Letting herself into Kakashi's apartment, Tsunade was surprised how quiet the place was. She'd imagined hearing voices, though she had no idea what they would talk about.

Part of her had hoped to listen in on their conversation for a little while as a way to obtain information on how the special jounin was doing. Knowing full well that if she were to simply ask, she would probably just be brushed off. 

But the lack of voices was also disturbing in another way; there was no way of knowing if Shikamaru was still here, of if Kakashi had done something to himself, or-  
She quickly stepped into the bedroom, not wanting to think about it _any_ more.

"Shikamaru? Where's Kakashi?"

"Taking a shower, you didn't think I was gonna follow him in _there_ , did you?"

 _I checked the bathroom_ _ **at least**_ _a dozen times today, there shouldn't be any weapons left there… But the guy is so damned_ _ **inventive**_ _! I even found a kunai in the shower drain, so what if I missed something? No, I can't. But just to be sure, I'll sent Shikamaru home like I promised his father and then go and check._

 __"Shikamaru-"

"Hokage-" They looked at each other in surprise before the shadow-user nodded; "You first"

"I think you should go now. I'm actually surprised you're still here at this point, but I'm happy to see you've kept your promise and haven't left him alone. But you should go get some rest, now. I'll take over."

"Are you going to tie me up again, Tsunade?" 

Kakashi's voice startled her; his appearance only made matters worse. _I realize this is his own house, and he could walk around naked for all_ _ **I**_ _care, but doesn't this guy comprehend there's a_ _ **minor**_ _in here, too?!_

 __A quick glance at the minor in question taught her that Shikamaru was blushing at the sight of his half-naked sempai. _Just great… And Kakashi doesn't even_ _ **notice**_ _of course!_

 __"Look," Shikamaru spoke up unexpectedly, "I'm gonna stay the night here, don't worry Lady Hokage, I won't let him do anything to hurt himself. There's no need to tie him up, if this somehow _does_ get out of hand, I still have my shadows"

 _I guess that sounds like a plan…Even if the brat isn't as well-trained as Shikaku, he's still pretty damn good…_

 __A soft, flopping sound made her look up. Kakasi's face seemed be having a hard time deciding between going pale and turning red as he spoke up; "Shadows?! _Hurt_ myself?!" His voice had a very particular strain to it, the pain she could hear in it reminded the Hokage of last night.

"Shikamaru, who do you think I _am_? I'm not some broken teenager that needs to be restrained, I'm just…"

Tsunade saw the young shadow-user wince at the word 'teenager', feeling pride well up in her chest as the boy obviously shoved the pain aside to reassure his friend. 

"I _know_ that, it's the Hokage that seems to have forgotten. There's no way I think you're actually going to do something like that, but my mom taught me that the woman is always right, even when they're wrong."

 _Good woman, that Yoshino. Although I_ _ **should**_ _probably throw a fit at this point… There's no way talk like that is acceptable, but honestly I'm just really glad he believes in the man so much. Having someone believe in you like that is always the first step in recovering from severe psychological distress.  
However… I guess it's time for Tsunade's temper to shine!_

 __"You two are just- Ugh! _Fine_! Have it your way! Anything _else_ you need before I let you enjoy your peaceful little night together?" Part of it was meant as a provocation, along with her attitude.

If they were doing – inappropriate – things together, she would figure it out now. Looking back and forth between the two men she found no such evidence, their words a testament to the same fact:

"Cigarettes-"

"Food would be nice-"

 _What?! More fags? Is this guy eating them for lack of food, or something? But it's good to hear him laugh again, to hear these two friends laugh together._

 __As she left the apartment, Tsunade made _sure_ her muttered complaint would be heard, but really, she was just happy.  
Glad to see improvement, to see _something_ good come out of the last twenty-four hours.


	36. The Cracks, The Shards, Whole Again

AUTHORS NOTE: I _may_ have had a little too much fun finding new curse words… Actually went to look some up, since my inspiration didn't seem to be flowing properly… And I found this awesome page… lol, I take no responsibility for accuracy, or well… _anything_. I was just having too much damn fun…

Oh and this is the first chapter I've written after having to take my little break. Well, not the first one… But chronologically it is… :)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 36: The Cracks, The Shards, Whole Again

XOXOX

"What the hell is that woman _thinking_?!"

It was morning again, after a shared breakfast and a quick shower, Shikamaru walked back into Kakashi's bedroom – which really turned out to be his living room as well- and saw his older friend pacing- _again._

"She sedates me, she ties me up, she has _you_ " He pointed vigorously, "Promise you won't leave me alone no matter what. She-"

"She means well," Shikamaru'd said it before, to no avail, and it seemed the jounin didn't hear him this time either. He let himself drop to the floor on his favorite spot against the desk. Pulling his legs up so the pacing man wouldn't trip on them.

"… _fucking leather straps_! Damn that woman! Tying me down like I'm some kind of wild animal! Stupid cuntfaced dumbass! Gotta be the shittiest damn thing the bitch's ever done, fucking skank!  
Stupid cock-sucking, cretinous cunting fuckhead! The _nerve_! The indescribable _fucking_ nerve of the woman! Just- just-" His shoulders dropped and he let himself fall to the bed, "You're right Shikamaru, she meant well…"

"Finally! I thought you'd never hear me!" Shikamaru at last relaxed his legs, stowing them away under the bed.

"Oh, I heard you. I just had some swearwords left I wanted to use, like, _turd burglar_!"

Shikamaru frowned for a moment, "Doesn't that mean gay dude, though?" 

"Oh yeah… Hmmm…. _Turtle scuttle_ \- means dirty bitch or something of the likes," He winked. 

The Nara grinned – this _was_ kind of fun – before sighting, "So you just ignored me to swear some more? Good plan, next time though, acknowledge me first, then swear" 

"You've got yourself a deal, my friend!" Kakashi gave him a thumbs-up. "Now… _Dipshit, dickwod, sluttenous harlet, goddamn clitfaced fuckbrain_!" 

Shikamaru giggled a little, "You done yet?" 

"Not really… But I guess I'm running out of inspiration…" 

"Riiight…." The boy shot him a skeptical look, "I never thought the infamous copy ninja would run out of steam so soon…." 

His elder chuckled, opening his mouth to reply when a knock on the door interrupted them.

XOXOX

Iruka was _sure_ today was the day. He'd let class out a little early to avoid anyone who might try to talk to him after school, then leaped across rooftops to avoid any and all distractions on the street.  
And now, finally, he knocked on Kakashi's door.

Blinking as it wasn't Kakashi, but Shikamaru who opened it.

"Iruka-sensei?" 

"Shikamaru?" 

"What are _you_ doing here?!" The two spoke simultaneously. Kakashi, who'd just emerged from the bedroom, remarked, "My, _my_ … You two are in sync! But I'm kind of on Shikamaru's side on this one, since I already know why _he's_ here" 

"Can I come in first?" The schoolteacher sounded a bit hesitant, unsure what to make of the situation. 

"Sure," Kakashi gave his trademark smile, "Shikamaru, would you please make us some tea?" 

The boy took the barely concealed hint and closed the door to the kitchen behind him. The walls were thin here, so he made a point of making as much noise as he could. He didn't want the two men in the other room to think he was eavesdropping.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom…  
"Kakashi, I've been worried… How've you been?" Iruka had taken a seat on the chair, pulling it a little closer to the bed where his friend sat. 

"Oh, you know…" The jounin was staring up at the ceiling again, lighting a cigarette before he even spoke. 

"No, I _don't_ know, you crashed right here just two days ago-" Iruka'd started to raise his voice, but, remembering they weren't alone in the apartment, he dropped it again, "I was worried, Kakashi…" 

"You've already said that, though," Kakashi pulled his legs up on the bed, knees touching his chest. He rested his left elbow on his knees, placing the hand on his right shoulder. The jounin was putting a physical barrier between Iruka and him, something the chuunin didn't fail to notice. 

"Kakashi… Am I making you uncomfortable?" 

"Iruka…" 

"Is that why you had people blocking me ever since we talked?" He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice, knowing it wouldn't do much to help his friend relax. 

Kaksashi raised his eyebrows, "Blocking you…?" 

"First, the Hokage dumps her paperwork on me, then, Shizune buys me tea to ask _stupid_ questions about jutsu she knows way more about than I do," He counted on his fingers, "After that, Ichi Raku's stove apparently broke down, and then… Then _Shikaku_ wanted to talk to me. _Shikaku_ _Nara_ of all people! Only he _didn't_ talk to me, he took me over to his house and then disappeared. And then his _wife_ talked my ear of all night long. Honestly Kakashi, if you didn't want to talk to me, you should've just _said_ so…" 

"I didn't want to hurt you…" His friend's voice sounded so fragile, Iruka felt like his heart was going to break. And all of the sudden, he wished he hadn't said anything, hadn't come here. Had never urged his friend to talk to him. Suddenly, he wished he'd never learned about Kakashi's secret.

When Kakashi spoke again, his voice sounded but a little stronger, "I asked Shikaku to stall you, I didn't know he got all those people to help. I just… I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences just yet…" 

They could hear the kettle whistle in the kitchen, signaling that the end of their time alone together was in sight. To Iruka, this was unsettling, as he feared that Kakashi would not open up at all with Shikamaru in the room. It would mean that him coming here would have only made things worse. That too many things would remain unsaid. 

But Kakashi had no such scruples, he continued as if nothing had changed, even when the young Nara came in with the tea, passed it around and sat down on the floor, leaning against the desk. 

"Iruka, when you found me… I already told you then I'd just had a _really_ rough day, but it was more. I-" 

He looked over at Shikamaru, who sighted, nodded, and took over, "When Kakashi, Sakura, Shino and me left on the mission together, my head wasn't in it. It was Kakashi who figured out why," 

The boy studied a spot on the floor, too insecure to look up at the academy sensei, "I… I have been in love with another man for years…" He stopped, allowing Iruka time to voice his shock over such a heinous deed, but the sensei only nodded. A gentle, calm nod meant to encourage his old student to go on. 

Which he did, "At first, I didn't realize… I thought this guy was just someone I considered a good friend, even if it felt different from all my other friendships.  
But somewhere along the line, I figured out it was something more… It wasn't possible, though, so I kept shoving those feelings away, focusing on my duties instead.  
Except , they would always come back. Always stronger than before. And so, when we left for the mission… I was at my breaking point, I just didn't know it yet. But Kakashi saw it, and he helped me, and in turn I dumped all my shit on the guy…" He stopped talking, clearly unable to voice anything more as quiet sobs shook his body. 

Kakashi managed not to move for a whole ten seconds, before he jumped off the bed and hugged the crying boy to his chest. 

"You didn't dump _anything_ on me. I _chose_ to take some of your load. But you're right, it made everything that much harder" 

Looking up at Iruka, the jounin continued the story, "Shino and Sakura figured the whole thing out somehow. About both of us. But I was the only one who knew they knew. Which is why _you_ felt like a gods sent that day. Because I desperately needed _someone_ to talk to, and I couldn't tell Shikamaru that he'd been found out. To be honest, I couldn't tell you either…" 

Iruka nodded, "The secret that wasn't yours…" 

"Yeah… And after all that business with Sakura, and me almost falling apart in front of you, Shikamaru asked me to be there when he talked to his father" 

The Nara in question gently pushed his elder away, wiping at his eyes, "I'm sorry…" 

"Don't be," Kakashi brushed his hand over dark locks before moving to take his spot on the bed again, "You couldn't have known, that's sort of the point…" He grabbed another cigarette, ignoring the Nara's studious look- they both knew that Kakashi smoking wasn't exactly a good sign. 

"Anyway," the jounin turned back to Iruka, continuing the report, "I couldn't deny him. I mean, I'd just told you and even though that was far from perfect," He snorted, remembering just how awkward that conversation had been, "It _did_ make me feel a whole lot better. I wanted Shikamaru to be able to experience the same thing" 

He sighted, studying the fiery tip of his smoke for a few seconds, "It went well enough, I suppose, until Shikaku asked me if he was right in assuming I was the same way… I still don't really know why… But something just… _clicked_. Those… Those were the same words someone else had said to me once, a long time ago. Right before they beat the crap out of me," the silver-haired man shivered, but his voice remained strong, "To wrap it up, I ended up having a mental breakdown, involving both Shikaku _and_ Shikamaru in my affairs, and the Hokage as well… 

I _did_ talk things out with Sakura… Yesterday? I don't know, timeline's a little vague…  
But I couldn't face you yet. Not the man that had gotten so worried about seeing the cracks, I couldn't let you see the shards… Iruka, I'm _so_ sorry, I really am…"

The man on the chair remained quiet for a little while, letting everything sink in. It wasn't so much Shikamaru's confession that got to him, or even the fact that one of his best friends had just told him he got beaten up just for loving another man, it was the fact that both of them seemed so anxious to tell him about it. 

"Kakashi… It's okay, really. I understand now. You didn't know how to handle everything and… I was part of everything, I suppose," He gave the man a comforting smile, before turning to Shikamaru, "And I think you're very brave. You both are, but…"

"It's fine," The Nara quickly cut in, "I'm not particularly brave or anything, at least _, I_ don't think so. Kakashi seems inclined to agree with you, though…" He smirked up at the silver-haired man, "But… Yeah… I was kinda scared, I didn't know how you were gonna react, sensei…"

Iruka smiled again, slipping of the chair, squatting down next to the boy on the floor, "I don't see the problem, Shikamaru. I really don't. If that's you, then why should _I_ have any objections? But…" He grinned a little, flashing the boy a naughty wink, "What _I_ wanna know is how did those two figure out you've got the hots for Asuma?"

The Nara reacted instantly, pushing himself away from the brunette, shifting uncomfortably, "Who says I like Asuma?"

On the bed, Kakashi chuckled, "You just did, kid. Relax, Iruka's not gonna tell anyone, right?"

"No way, I'm not that cruel. But I'm afraid to tell you that you're friends might've accidentally broadcasted it in a packed restaurant…"

Shikamaru blushed, "Oh… _That_ … But, I mean… That's not… They didn't…"

"Didn't use your name, apparently, no," Kakashi's voice was soothing, calming his young friend down, "Iruka figured it out because he's just learned you even _have_ a crush. On a guy. Oh boy…"

Iruka looked at the older man quizzically, "What, 'oh boy'?"

Shikamaru gasped, putting his hand up to cover his mouth before mumbling something.

"Sorry, Shikamaru, what did you say?" Confused eyes now trained on the young man, Iruka tried to make sense of the whole thing.

"My dad… I told my dad there was a guy I like, but I said I wouldn't tell him who, and he couldn't ask, but… He's gonna _know_ , isn't he, Kakashi?"

The jounin picked another cigarette, looking at it before putting the little stick back down, "It's Shikaku… I'm pretty sure he already knows by now… I know he's not gonna _say_ anything about it, you know that too, right? The guy gave you his word, Shikamaru. That should be enough"

"Yeah, but he _knows_! That's… Oh my god… _Fuck!_ Bloody, fucking hell! Holy shitting, motherfucker on a blasted goat! This is _bad_ , I'm so _totally_ fucked right now… Bad _enough_ he knows I'm dick licker, can't _fucking_ know I wanna use _his_ back door, fucking useless prick I am…"

Kakashi looked on in mild amusement as one obscenity after another fell from the young Nara's lips, "Feeling better yet?"

"Almost, candy ass motherfucker, fucking _retard,_ goddamn clitfaced _fuckbrain_! … Yeah… Better now"

Shikamaru smirked as he caught Iruka's astounded stare, "Shikamaru… Please don't _ever_ use such language around me again…"

"Deal with it, Iruka-sensei, or you can go to fucking Tartarus, I don't care…"

Kakashi chuckled, "Iruka, you can drop the schoolteacher-act now, I _know_ you know your way around the dirty dictionary pretty well yourself…"

Iruka leaped to his feet, pointing a accusing finger at the Nara, "He used to be my _student_ , Kakashi! My goddamned, freaking _student_!"

Shikamaru raised one eyebrow, "That's the best you got?"

XOXOX 

_**A/N:**_ _I just felt like poking a little fun, while at the same time comforting Shikamaru a little.  
I mean, poor guy… He's still not completely comfortable with himself, and telling Tsunade was so hard on him. And she didn't do much to help him, either.  
But Iruka has such a big heart… Yeah, besides, having Iruka know could come in handy, you know?_


	37. Ladies And Gentlemen

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This was actually a lot easier to write than I thought… I was kind of dreading the whole Shino/Sakura arc because I didn't really know how to deal with them. But once I got off my butt from my hiatus, this just kinda flowed out. Oh, I just _love_ random awkwardness xD 

Wait, isn't this like, the third chapter I'm uploading _today_?! Why, I believe it is… Reviews really _do_ make chapters magically appear xD

Also, I'm like, high on inspiration right now, so I'm kicking caution to the wind for now ;)

XOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 37: Ladies And Gentlemen

XOXOX

Shino Aburame was wandering aimlessly through town. He'd just finished training with Kiba and Hinata, trying to ignore the countless comments the Inuzuka made about what he now silently referred to as the 'restaurant-incident'.

The teenager couldn't seem to focus his thoughts on anything today, and he didn't feel like going home so his father could notice. So he just walked around some, thinking if he might go and buy a couple more kunai later. He'd lost a couple in the forest earlier because he was too distracted to aim properly, and even Hinata hadn't been able to retrieve them all.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice the girl until she spoke, "Hey Shino…"

Looking up, he knew he must've looked just as baffled as he felt, "Sakura… Hello"

The girl came up to him, fiddling with her fingers, "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Shino. I really didn't mean to…"

"It is all right, I understand now that I should have never put you in that position, why? Because it was already obvious that the answer would be no," He put his hand on her nervous fingers, stilling them, "I will get over this in time, Sakura. But I would be really sad if this meant that we could not be friends anymore"

"I still want to be your friend too, Shino, really," She looked up at him, giving the boy a small smile, "And I know just the thing, let's grab some tea and talk. There's something you should know about our little secret" 

Winking, she grabbed hold of his arm, dragging the Aburame with her as she scoured the teashops, looking for one that didn't have too many customers.

"You wanted to tell me something?" They'd ordered their tea and dango, and Shino had to admit he was curious.

"Yes, I do! I so, _so_ do!" She all but squealed, "But," Serious again, "Don't take this personally, okay?"

The pinkette waited for Shino to nod before continuing, "After you left that night, I was in a really bad mood- it's not your fault though!" She added quickly, seeing his face drop, "I was just… I realized _I_ didn't even know how I felt about a lot of things, and… Anyway, Kakashi-sensei showed up"

"Kakashi-sensei?" His cup stopped halfway up to his mouth, "What was _he_ doing there?" The Aburame muttered.

"I don't know, he just showed up out of the blue, like he always does. In any case, we got talking a little, and he kind of pissed me off. But that's not really the point. I kind of called him out on it, you know, him liking guys?"

Shino nodded, he'd known Sakura would probably do that at some point, sooner rather than later, "Did he get angry?"

"No, that's the weird thing… He… I guess I really hurt him. But I didn't want to think about it because he'd pissed me off so bad, so I left. And then later… I started feeling very guilty about it, and I eventually went over to push a note under his door. Took a little effort to figure out where he lived, but, I managed" 

She beamed at him, figuring out her sensei's address had been a real tricky one, and she was proud she'd managed to get it.

Her friend understood this well, and made sure he acknowledged her achievement before she continued, "I waited for like, a whole day. I was too upset to study, couldn't even eat. I wanted to apologize to you too, but I didn't know how to…" He voice trailed off for a moment as she studied the Aburame's face.

"Apology accepted, Sakura. Thought you didn't need to apologize to me. It was my mistake"

"No, mine too… But… Moving on, that night, Shikamaru came to talk to me- like _really_ late at night"

"Shikamaru? What did he say? Was he upset because of what happened at the restaurant?"

She blushed and Shino couldn't help but think she looked so utterly cute doing that, but he restrained himself, these feelings would pass. They had to.

"Nu-uh… I think he didn't even know… He said he came to get me because Kakashi-sensei wanted to talk to me but he couldn't leave his apartment. At first I thought that Kakashi-sensei might've gotten hurt, and needed a medical ninja so I tried to tell Shikamaru that the guy should just go to the hospital, but then he said it wasn't a physical injury… So I went over to his place.  
You know, Shino, I half expected the place to be like, covered in posters of naked men _, stupid_ , huh?"

She chuckled, and soon they were both smiling, "I do not believe that is stupid, Sakura. Although such assumptions would be highly unrealistic…"

"Yeah, I know… But still, it would've been fun…" She smiled contemplatively, "Kakashi-sensei … Did you know he actually had a mental breakdown?"

The look of utter surprise on the kekaichu-handler's face told her all she needed to know.

"Yeah," She nodded, "He really did. Told me himself. He'd been hiding so much about himself and it finally caught up to him, he said. And then he started talking about the past…" She nudged him mischievously, "You wanna know what he told me…?"

XOXOX

Iruka was slightly baffled, today he'd learned so much _, too_ much about two people he _thought_ he knew pretty well.

 _Do they even realize what's happening? Can they see it?  
Kakashi said Shikamaru and_ _ **I**_ _were in sync, but… Those two… Well, they_ _ **are**_ _both geniuses of course, and they've gone through a lot together these past few days. They probably understand each other better than anyone else could ever manage…  
I shouldn't even __**think**_ _about this, of course they're not. I must be wrong.  
It's not like __**I'm**_ _an expert on love or anything…  
What I need, is a nice cup of tea… and maybe some dango. Yeah, dango sounds __**really**_ _good right now…_

XOXOX

"Kakashi-sensei…? Are you certain of this, Sakura?" Shino had never heard a more unbelievable story, yet, at the same time… It seemed to fit…

"Like I said, that's what he told _me_. I'm sure he's left like, half of it out, though…"

"He probably did. This is no topic to discuss with a young lady, I am confident that Kakashi-sensei is aware of this. However, if he _did_ tell you this much, it must mean there is an infinite number of even less suitable topics he did not discuss" 

The Aburame wasn't exactly sure how to phrase this, he had been raised to be a gentleman, and this topic _really_ was unfit to talk about with a young lady.

"I know, right?" Sakura winked at him, "Good thing I'm not a much of a lady, then"

"Nevertheless, you _are_ still a young woman, and the only way to treat you properly is by assuming that you are, in fact, a lady" He stated, hoping he didn't just cross the line.

"Maybe… Is that how you see me, Shino?" She rested her head on his shoulder, looking up at him with those big, green eyes. As if she didn't even remember he'd confessed his love to her not too long ago.

"I do. I was raised to do so. And Sakura…" He trailed off, he didn't want her to move away from him, but still… "It is not very lady-like to position yourself like this," He ended weakly.

"Does it bother you?" Her big, innocent eyes blinked up at him, causing the need to swallow before he was able to reply. 

"It does not bother me, per se. However… It does prove a bit… difficult"

"Difficult?" She was thoroughly confused now.

Shino knew he couldn't tell her anything about how her touch made his pants feel a little tighter, couldn't tell her exactly _how_ difficult she made this for him. But he would have to explain _something_ now, as her bewildered stare was proving to be even cuter than her blush….

"I was raised to be a gentleman, Sakura. And as such, I understand that this is not a suitable position for friends to be in." _Now, if you were my_ _ **girlfriend**_ _… No, do not think about that, Shino Aburame!_

 __She moved away, her eyes locking into his, a cute smile spread across her face, "But I'm _no_ lady, Shino, so why shouldn't I give my best friend's shoulder a little hug?" She wrapped her arms tightly around the boy, leaning her head back again, "Or would you prefer a real hug?"

"Sakura…"

"Yes?" 

"Please, stop. I may have been raised to be a gentleman, but right now the emphasis of that word would have to be put on the word _man_. And it is getting increasingly difficult for me to pay any heed to the _gentle_ part of the word when you touch me like this…"

XOXOX

Iruka couldn't help but catch Shino's last words as he walked into the teashop. Quickly locating the pair, he understood _exactly_ what Shino was talking about. And he felt sorry for the boy.

So he walked over, crouching behind the pair and putting his hands on both of their shoulders like he used to do when they were just kids, "Sakura, please let go of Shino now, teenage boys can be _very_ sensitive, sometimes…"

Sakura startled at her old sensei's touch, so much even that his words didn't even really register for the time being, "Iruka-sensei!"

Shino felt a sigh of relief trying to work his way up his throat when Sakura finally let go of him, which turned into a little whimper of embarrassment as he realized that their old sensei recognized precisely what position the young man had just found himself in. He scooted a little closer to the table, hoping that way, at least no-one would _see_. 

As a hot blush spread across his face, he risked a glance up at the older man. Iruka gave him a knowing smile, "So, what were you talking about, Sakura?" 

_Shino's probably in no condition to be part of a conversation, yet. I'll allow him some time, hopefully Sakura's going to play along…_

 __"Oh, nothing, really…" _And now she's lying to me…? What the hell happened that everyone is acting so different nowadays?_

 __"Really?"

"Eh, we were just… Talking about how Shino's a gentleman, but I'm not really all that lady-like…" 

"And that caused you to hug him? I think most girls would sooner punch a guy for telling them they're not very lady-like…" 

"I said it, and Shino's my friend. I wouldn't punch him, you know that, right Shino?" 

Iruka watched the teen swallow hard before croaking out, "I know" 

_Yeah…_ _ **Definitely**_ _not ready to talk yet…_ He softly pushed Sakura back a little, easily slipping in between the two teenagers on the long wooden bench. 

"So, what got you talking about ladies and gentlemen in the first place?" _Oops!_ Iruka mentally slapped himself for the ambiguous remark, _spending_ _ **any**_ _span of time with Kakashi really works wonders on your vocabulary… Note to self,_ _ **never**_ _talk to the guy before work!  
_

"Oh… Eh… Nothing, really…" 

"Sakura, I've known you long enough to know that, coming from you, that means the _exact_ opposite… And you're not only making me curious, you're actually worrying me. So spill it"

Shino cleared his throat in an attempt to make his voice sound normal again, and he _almost_ succeeded. 

"We were talking about a… problem a friend of ours seems to be having. Please do not ask further, Iruka-sensei. I realize you most likely would like to help but-"

Iruka frowned, cutting in, "Is this about Kakashi?"

XOXOX

 _ **A/N**_ _: I think by now you've all picked up on the fact that I have a sense of humor with almost exclusively adult content xD  
Sorry, but putting Shino in this awkward position was just __**too**_ _tempting, and every time I make Iruka say something it comes out sounding… Almost dirty xD  
So I blamed it on Kakashi… Actually, that might actually be true as well, sorta… :P_


	38. Awkward Insecurities

AUTHORS NOTE: And then I went and made Shino's life worse xD I couldn't help myself, really…

AnimePop31, thank you so much for your review, this one is uploaded especially for you!  
We visit Shino, Sakura and Iruka, but also… Tsunade and _Shizune_ … Yeah, I feel like I kind of neglected her… But I just found her so hard to write…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 38: Awkward insecurities

XOXOX

"Is this about Kakashi?" 

His question obviously startled the teens, and he knew he'd hit the bull's-eye, "You don't have to worry about him, he's doing just fine. I just came from his place, to be honest" 

The girl fell silent for a while, biting her lip as if there was something she'd like to say, but was afraid to. Eventually, she did speak up, softly, hesitantly, "Iruka-sensei… Is Kakashi-sensei… Are you… I mean…" 

_Did she just try to ask me if he's my boyfriend?! Does she think that I'm… Gay…?  
_

"Sakura, let me set the record straight," He winced at his own choice of words, _Straight?! Oh man, I_ _ **really**_ _have to find some way to talk to Kakashi without side-effects like this…_ "I'm not gay. Kakashi just happens to be a good friend of mine"

"Did you know about his preference?" Shino had finally gathered himself again somewhat, and was starting to show some curiosity that Iruka could definitely do without right about now.

"He… Told me a few days ago. I think it was after he talked with you, Sakura. I found him sleeping outside on a bench by the water, and sort of… _Convinced_ him to tell me what was wrong"

Sakura's eyes widened at the thought of Kakashi-sensei sleeping outside like that, _Did I really hurt him_ _ **that**_ _much? So much that he couldn't even drag himself home again after…?  
_

Tears started to well up, "I'm so sorry for hurting him! I never meant to, honestly, not like that!"

Iruka placed an arm around the crying girl's shoulders, "He knows, he already told you that, didn't he? I know Kakashi wouldn't lie about that. He was just really upset already, and the thought that you hated him… That was the last straw for him…"

"And then he had a nervous breakdown" Shino stated, attempting to get some confirmation from Iruka. All though the young man was actually hoping that the sensei would renounce his words. 

"You know, too? I guess Sakura told you, eh? Yes, Shino, Kakashi…" He sighted, "Look, this isn't really the place to be discussing all this…"

XOXOX

"Lady Hokage" 

"What is it?" Tsunade grumbled, still staring out the window. She didn't really care what whoever this was had to say, she was too busy. _Too busy worrying about something that isn't even any of my business…  
_

"I'd like my key back…" Kakashi spoke softly, hoping Shizune wouldn't come back yet. 

They'd just passed her out in the hall, on her way to get some tea. It seemed perfect. So he'd made a dash for it, hoping to catch Tsunade alone- which he did. 

However, he hadn't counted on the possibility of the Hokage being in a foul mood, and now he was getting a little nervous. 

_Is she even going to believe me? I know I feel a lot better now, but she… She didn't take it just for kicks, so yeah…_

 __"Kakashi!" She whirled around, "Just who I wanted to see, Shikamaru, hello to you too," She added when she caught sight of the younger man.

"If you wanted to see me… Well, you still have my key…" He worried the inside of his lip, unsure how to continue this conversation.

"I thought you were doing a bit better, and I didn't want to just keep barging in. I suppose I could've just gone over and knocked on the door, but…" She wiped a hand over tired eyes, "Really, I didn't know what to say… Are you all right?"

The young Nara chuckled, jumping in with, "You could've just said _that_ …" 

"I know…" She smiled at the two, "But I just didn't want to intrude… You seemed to be the one to get this one back on track and I was afraid that if I interfered to much I'd only make things worse"

"Did you consider that _before_ you tied me to my own bed? Never mind, don't answer that. Just… I want my key back, Tsunade. I want to be able to sleep knowing I'm still going to be alone when I wake up…" 

He hadn't even realized the familiarity with which he addressed her, and she didn't plan on pointing it out to him. 

"Kakashi, I understand you want your privacy returned to you, and I can't say I disagree," She watched as one of his eye-crinkling smiles broke out, knowing it wouldn't last long. 

"However," She sounded strict, holding up a hand to deter any protests, "It was only _two_ _days ago_ that I had to sedate you for fear of you doing something to hurt yourself. And yes, I know you said you'd never do that, but honestly Kakashi… You looked about ready to go jump off a cliff!" 

He knew better than to contest this, so he only nodded. 

"I _do_ believe your key should be returned to you, however, I cannot do so without first making sure you really _are_ doing all right again. So I want to sit down and talk with you, just the two of us"

She waited as the two men before her exchanged looks, somehow they seemed to understand each other, even if she had no clue what the hell was going on. 

Eventually, Kakashi looked back at her, "No, Tsunade, that's not going to happen" 

He held up a hand like she'd done, stopping her from replying, "Allow me to explain, then you can go crazy" 

He smiled again, and the Nara smirked. Sometimes she _really_ hated these brats… But not today.

"I find it excruciating to have to talk about it, you understand that, right? And to be fair, I actually hardly even _know_ you. Making this whole thing even more dreadful. So…" He sighted, unsure how to continue. 

It was Shikamaru who spoke up next, "So he'll do it. If I'm there. Simple"

Tsunade's eyes widened in shock, "What…?"

"That's the condition, and if you refuse, and refuse to give me my key back, I'll simply move. I can't deal with this without him right now. All right?" 

The blonde fell quiet for a while, thinking. Neither of the men spoke up again, waiting for her to come to a conclusion. It came at the wrong moment…

"Kakashi… I understand that it's difficult to discuss things like being gay, or having a mental breakdown with your Hokage, with a woman- yes, I heard you muttering about us unreliable creatures many times lately…" She chuckled, "So _\- Shizune_?!"

Kakashi turned on his heels, as did Shikamaru. And to their horror, they found the Hokage's vision to be perfect: Shizune was standing in the doorway, a tray of tea in her hands and a shocked expression on her face.

"Kakashi…? I… " The woman couldn't talk, couldn't seem to find any words beyond these two.

The silver-haired man took a deep breath, "Shizune, could you please close that door?"

"You can step inside, first," Shikamaru added, seeing her hesitation. 

"Oh… Sure, yes… Right…" 

She complied, setting the tray down on the desk. After that, she simply stood there, shifting uncomfortably. 

Kakashi swallowed, "You heard right, Shizune… I-I'm sorry" 

"There's no need to apologize, Kakashi…" She said softly, trying not to cry. 

A small smile graced his face as he walked closer to her, gently lifting her chin, "But I'm still apologizing. I know you've been trying to catch my eye for a long time, milady, but… Well, I can't say I've been very fair to you. So I am hereby officially apologizing.  
I'm sorry I never said anything, I'm sorry I allowed you to hold on to hope, where there was none" 

He sighted, relinquishing his hold, "Lately, I've been going through a lot, eventually cumulating in what Lady Hokage so accurately described as a mental breakdown. It's the reason I've been off-duty for the last couple days, ever since I asked you to leave this room. It wasn't something I was planning on doing, but… I felt backed into a corner at the time, so I foolishly decided I would confide in our trusty leader," He chuckled, "I honestly never meant to crash down in front of her, after all, I have a reputation to uphold!"

Shizune tried to study his face, even though there wasn't much visible face to study, "Why did you sent me out of the room? I've been wondering about that…"

The man turned, taking a few steps away from her, rubbing the back of his neck, "I… I didn't want to break your heart…" He said it softly, but in the silence of the Hokage's office, the words sounded like he'd all but shouted.  
"I know… I'm an idiot…"

XOXOX

"Sakura, I really wish you'd stop beating yourself up over this…"

They ended up going to Iruka's apartment because he couldn't think of anywhere else where they would have some privacy, but this felt weird. Sitting here, in his messy apartment with two of his old students- one of which was a _girl_ \- talking about his friend's love for other men, and the ensuing breakdown he'd suffered. This was weird anyway you looked at it…

"Sensei… It's _my_ fault! You said it yourself! I was the last straw…" 

"Sakura," The young Aburame had finally pulled himself completely together on their way over here, all though he still felt ashamed that Iruka-sensei had noticed his… Situation, back at the restaurant 

"I believe that _anything_ could have been the last straw for him. Whether it was your careless remark, or perhaps the store running out of his favorite brand of food. I do not think it would have mattered" 

"Yeah… I know…" She wiped away her tears again, but they kept coming, "But the thing is, it _was_ me… It was my, how did you call it again? My careless remark…" 

Iruka tried to look the girl in the eye, failing miserably as she wouldn't lift her gaze from the table,

"Sakura, did you talk about this with Kakashi-sensei?" 

"He said it wasn't my fault…" 

"Then it wasn't. I already told you this, Sakura, Kakashi doesn't lie about stuff like that. If you've done something wrong, he's going to point it out, you _know_ that" 

He watched as a small smile formed on the girls lips, "Yeah, I know. Kakashi-sensei is pretty clear when you make a mistake…" She wiped at her eyes again, this time, the tears actually stopped. 

Iruka had to suppress a smile himself, as he saw Shino awkwardly patting the girl on the shoulder, trying to comfort her, but not touch her. He couldn't hold his smile back when she immediately responded by burying her face in his shirt, hugging herself tightly to his chest. 

Shino seemed to be in shock over the girl's actions, and he clearly didn't know how to react.  
He shot the sensei a look that seemed to ask the older man what to do now, but Iruka didn't know either. He raised his arms, shrugging. And almost laughed out loud at the boy's defeated posture. 

Trying to peel her off, Shino spoke, "Sakura… Did we not already discuss the issue of inappropriate touching between friends…?" 

"Zip it, Shino, I just need a hug right now. Friends hug, deal with it" She almost snapped at him, gripping tighter to emphasize her words. 

The boy swallowed, all but begging the sensei to help him, "Iruka-sensei is here, hug him" 

"No, I'm hugging _you_. _You're_ my friend, Shino. I thought you _wanted_ to be friends…" Her voice sounded hurt, something that didn't go unnoticed by either man. 

_What happened between those two…? Did… Did Shino confess to her by any chance? Distant, quiet Shino? In love…? Wow, it feels like spring! Everyone's falling in love left and right- and I'm still alone…  
_

Iruka all but sighted. 

"I did. And I still do. However… Sakura… Why do you not understand this?" 

The older man had to suppress a chuckle, _No Shino, she won't understand, girls don't usually think like that. And even though she's had extensive medical training, that's not what she's thinking about right now.  
You being awkward about it isn't going to change the fact that she has absolutely zero idea what you're talking about. And even though it's funny… _ "Sakura, let go of him. Now, please" 

He watched as the girl detached herself, shooting him an annoyed look. He pointedly ignored her. 

"Shino, I think we're about through here, why don't you go on ahead" 

"Iruka-sensei, I do not believe I like what you are implying…" 

"If you think that I'm implying that I'll explain the problem, then, either deal with it or do it yourself, Shino" 

"I… Cannot… However, I… " 

Sakura threw him another one of those delightfully inquiring looks, and he could feel his body reacting to her once again, it was getting to the point of being painful, and Shino knew that something would have to be done- _somehow_ … 

He swallowed, shifting away from the girl a little further, "Sakura… I know I told you that my feelings for you would return to… Normal, in time…" 

Her gaze drifted to the sensei, clearly she didn't want him to hear this, but Iruka ignored this look, too. 

"So, are you telling me I can't even _touch_ you?!" 

"It… Would be preferred…" 

He couldn't look at her, not now, not with a big bulge in his pants that she was going to notice any minute now. His gaze drifted around the apartment, he'd never expected Iruka-sensei's apartment to be so messy… There were clothes laying around, and books, magazines- wait, magazines? That was… Porn… Wasn't it? Shino's eyes widened as the half-naked woman on the cover seemed to look back at him, he bit his lip in an attempt not to moan.

Iruka'd followed Shino's gaze around his apartment, embarrassed by the state of the place.  
 _It's not what you think, though… It's just that I've hardly been home in days. Normally it looks a lot better. What are you looking at,_ _ **now**_ _? What the- Oh…_ _ **Fuck**_ _…_

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Why should Shino get all the embarrassment? Lol, tell me what you think, I also still would LOVE to find a Beta… *puppy dog eyes*_


	39. I Just Gotta Know

AUTHORS NOTE: This one was a bit painful to write, having had pretty much the same conversation at some point, but… I had fun, too! Guess I'm back on track, guys! :D

Also, I had these two wonderfully amazing review, thank you so much **Jaz101** and **Cherryflowerblossoms**!  
I'm uploading this as a thank you to you for being so _utterly_ amazing :D

( I know I've said this before but… It's a fact, reviews make chapters magically appear)

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 39: I Just Gotta Know…

XOXOX

After making Shizune promise not to divulge her whereabouts to _anyone_ , Tsunade had accompanied the two men to Kakashi's apartment. 

It had been his request that, if they truly needed to talk about this, they would do it there. 'You can just leave my key behind when we're done' He'd said, but she wasn't all that sure yet.

Either way, Tsunade found herself sitting on Kakashi's chair, while the 'patient' made himself comfortable on the edge of his bed. For some reason, Shikamaru had opted to sit on the floor, his back against the desk, his feet disappearing under the bed. 

It actually seemed to be a normal position for the two, and Tsunade found herself wondering once again about the exact nature of their relationship.  
But she didn't ask, there were other things to discuss right now, and she'd decided she would dive straight in- if this upset Kakashi it would only serve as prove he wasn't ready to be left alone just yet.

"So, tell me, what's so attractive about a guy?" 

Kakashi shot her an incredulous look, "You should know yourself, don't you think?"

"I mean, what do _you_ find attractive, I know my own preferences," She offered him a smile.

"Do those include old white-haired guys who get along _really_ well with toads?" Shikamaru looked at her with only mild curiosity on his face, but it was clear he was teasing- and she didn't really care for that. 

However, it seemed that he was trying to cover for Kakashi, as the older man had all but crawled away from her at this point, "They might, if the person in question knows how to keep his eyes to himself, you?"

"Me? I'm feeling sorry for Master Jiraiya… But about guys… I dunno…" The kid blushed, "Older, I guess… But that's because I get bored talking to guys my own age, except for Choji… But he's just a friend, so…" 

"A good friend…" Kakashi looked at the boy on the floor, "He's a really good friend and he doesn't deserve being left out like this… You should talk to him soon," 

He watched as his young friend nodded, caught up in his own thoughts for the moment, "Me… I guess I'm with Shikamaru when it comes to the brains… Really, being a genius by other people's standards can be such a drag…" 

He smiled briefly, bending over to grab a new pack of cigarettes from the desk. As he saw Tsunade's raised eyebrow he explained, "Stress, this is stressful. I just need to calm down… I don't think anyone's ever asked me what I like before… And I haven't really given it all that much thought…" 

He seemed to contemplate his own words for a moment, "No, that's not entirely true… I _did_ think about it… I just gave up. And now I really don't want to talk about it, wasn't this supposed to be about how I was doing? Not this 'what's your type' crap. Because, to put it bluntly, I don't have one. A type, I mean"

"Fair enough… Then how do you feel about me asking about it?"

"Embarrassed, awkward… A little annoyed," He offered, "Because really, it's not like it's any of your business anyway" 

He carefully chose a cigarette, patting around the bed to find the matches. 

"Maybe you're right, but I wanted to see how you'd react to a more personal question," She said honestly, "Does it make you uncomfortable to think about it?"

"No. Just to talk about it," He'd given up on finding the matchbook, deciding he'd just use a jutsu. 

"I see… Could you talk to Shikamaru about it?" 

The boy started at the mention of his name, looking bewildered, trying to remember the words they'd spoken while his mind was elsewhere.

"Don't think so… Just the act of _saying_ stuff like that… I'm not used to it"

"Maybe you should practice that, Kakashi. Do see yourself ever having a relationship?"

He stayed still for a while, inhaling deeply, "Not really… I mean, I'd… I'd _like_ to, but… It… I don't know…" He groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

"Which part of that scares you so much, Kakashi?" She felt sorry for the man, _He'd_ _ **like**_ _to, well of course he would- who wouldn't? But apparently it sounds like an impossibility to him…_

 __"Every part," He still held his hands around his head, cigarette dangling between lean, pale fingers. A little grey fluff fell to the floor, but no-one bothered with it. The man was crying, quiet sobs shook his body and his voice.

Shikamaru moved to get up, but Tsunade stopped him with a small wave of her hand. He needed to work through this one, not be comforted into giving up again.

"Kakashi," She intentionally kept her voice soft but still firm, "What happens when you think about having a relationship with someone?"

"I don't" 

"Then please try now. Picture yourself being _with_ someone, can you do that?" 

"No, I don't want to… It's only gonna hurt again…" 

The blonde let her eyes fell closed, hearing him like this hurt her, too. "And friends? How does it make you feel to have friends around you?" She asked softly, trying to ease the man back into a direction he might feel a bit more comfortable with. 

"Better. Good," He sighted, lifting his head to take another drag from his smoke, frowning when he realized the cigarette had finished itself. He tossed the bud into the ashtray, but decided against grabbing another one. The same thing would happen anyway. 

He crawled back on the bed, pulling up his knees to rest his arms on them, "Friends make me feel safer…" He whispered, before dropping his head against his arms.

"Do you feel unsafe when you're alone?" 

This was an important question to Tsunade, ever since he'd woken up, Shikamaru had been right here with him. Was that necessity or something else?

The jounin let out another quivering sigh, "Safer when I'm not, but not… _unsafe_ … Just… It helps that I have a few friends that know now, and that they're all still sticking around…"

She glanced over at Shikamaru for a moment, the Nara had tears in his eyes, but he didn't make a sound. She gave him a small smile, which he returned, before they both turned their attention back to the silver-haired mess on the bed.

"Who did you tell?" There was only a hint of the curiosity she felt being carried in those words, but really, she was aching to know.

"Shikamaru, Shikaku knows but he pretty much figured it out for himself, Sakura and Shino did too, I told Iruka, accidentally told you and you unintentionally told Shizune…"

Tsunade raised her eyebrows, Kakashi wasn't looking at her anyway, so she allowed herself this little expression of surprise as she banned those feelings out of her voice, "That's quite a long list, what do you think about that yourself?"

It stayed quiet for a while as the copy ninja tried to work out the answer to her question. She didn't mind, having him think about it was much better than getting the quick responses she'd dreaded he would use.

"I think… I think I'd rather you didn't know… And Shizune should have never found out, even though this is more fair to her in the end, I guess… 

I'm kind of scared what Sakura and Shino think about it, but I guess I should just trust them… The Aburame is a whole lot easier to trust than Sakura, though… 

Iruka… I think I'm actually happy Iruka knows… But still scared. 

The only one I'm really sure of is Shikamaru, and in the end I think I'm happy with the way things went… Between us, I mean"

She would visit that subject later, making a mental note to figure out exactly _what_ happened between the two, "And Shikaku?"

He didn't answer right away, moving to take another cigarette despite his earlier decision that he wouldn't, "I'm not sure…" 

He started as a match flamed up before him; Shikamaru had found another matchbook, "Thanks," Kakashi mumbled as he pushed his smoke into the flame. Dropping the matchbook beside the pack of cigarettes, Shikamaru only nodded before returning to his spot against the desk.

"Shikaku… I guess it scares more than it comforts that he knows… But that's just…" Kakashi swallowed, bringing his trembling hand up to take another drag, "He said something… When… When he asked me if I… The way he asked, I'd heard those words before. They were followed by a lot of pain that time, and… I know he couldn't have known that, and he probably would have phrased it differently if he had, but…" The man's voice trailed off again.

"Is that something you want him to understand? Do you want to tell Shikaku?"

Tsunade felt relieved as she saw the man relax a little bit, crossing his legs and resting his arms on them, "No," He spoke soft, but clear, "I think that if I tried to explain that, he'd only apologize. And it's not about that. He just… hit a nerve, I guess. And I know it sounds silly, but just the fact that he did, makes me feel a bit anxious around the man. But at the same time… He's been good to me"

The blonde cocked her head a little, "It's not silly at all, makes sense to _me_ at least. But you feel like you can just be around him normally?"

"Yeah, I can. I know that much. It's just… I tense up sometimes. Never long, though. It's getting less and less anyway, so probably it'll just take a little time…"

"That's good to hear, can I ask…" She looked at Shikamaru, the boy was quietly listening, not showing any reaction to anything his friend said. _Does he know all this already? Or is he just keeping his emotions in check like I am?_ She started again, "I was wondering what you were doing when Shikaku asked you about it," She said simply.

A look was shared between the two friends, and suddenly, she knew already. But Shikamaru explained anyway, "He was with me. I… I asked Kakashi to be there when I told my dad, because I was scared…" The Nara swallowed, "I was scared he'd kick me out or something and… That's why Kakashi was there, that's why everything went wrong…"

"Not so," He looked at his younger friend, "I already told you, Shikamaru, it was bound to happen anyway… I guess this was probably one of the best outcomes possible…" 

He motioned for the boy to join him on the bed, and the other immediately complied. Adding yet another question to the ever-growing list in Tsunade's head. 

_What the hell do these two_ _ **do**_ _when they're together? Is this touchy feely stuff a_ _ **normal**_ _thing between them?_

 __Kakashi threw an arm around Shikamaru's shoulders, pulling him tight against his own body for a brief moment. When the boy moved back again, the arm stayed in place. Neither one seemed even the least bit uncomfortable about it, even though Tsunade was _right there_.

The woman couldn't take it anymore, this whole thing between the two guys made her head spin, it wasn't a romantic relationship, and apparently they weren't sleeping together either. But she'd never seen two guys be so friendly with each other.

"You two… Exactly what is going on between you?" She asked bluntly, unable to phrase it another way.

"Us?" Shikamaru looked surprised, "What do you mean?"

"I guess… I've never seen two guys that weren't sleeping together hug, I suppose…"

"Ah," Kakashi pulled his arm back, giving off a bit of a sheepish vibe, "We're not, though… It's just… I guess we've just kind of decided that if we know this much about each other we might as well… Stop being awkward I guess?" 

He directed the last question to his right, where Shikamaru was sitting. 

"Yeah… The whole 'men don't touch thing' is a drag… It's not like we don't need the comfort every now and then…"

"So… It's just that?" Tsunade had a hard time believing their explanation, all though she really didn't know what else it could be, "You just decided to hug it out?" Her eyebrows were somewhere around her hairline, eyes wide in surprise.

"Yeah…" Kakashi looked her straight in the eye, "Why is that so hard to believe?"

The blonde bit her nail, "I'm not sure, actually… I suppose we're all used to things being a certain way. Did it embarrass you when I asked?" She continued, getting back on track again.

"No… Why?"

"Dude, it's 'cause you dropped your arm the moment she did, _I_ thought she'd embarrassed the shit out of you, somehow…"

His eye crinkled again, "Not so… I just… Didn't realize I guess. And it's a bit awkward how everyone seems to assume we're fucking…"

Tsunade snorted, "Don't tell me you don't know why!"

"I can honestly say that I didn't… I suppose I get it now, though. But no, we're not," He gently bumped his shoulder against Shikamaru's, flashing the boy one of his amused smiles.

"Would you like to?" It was an innocent question on Tsunade's part, these two were so familiar with each other that she was sure they'd either say yes or no- and then topple over laughing.  
But all of the sudden the temperature dropped, the two on the bed froze and the whole thing got so awkward she really didn't know what to say anymore. 'I was just kidding' sounded so fake…

After what seemed like eternity in frozen hell, Kakashi spoke, slowly, "He's _fifteen_ , Tsunade…"


	40. Unexpected Turns On Life's Twisting Road

AUTHORS NOTE: I need to start hurrying this along a little, or I'm never gonna get where I'm going, and I have too many chapters written from the arc that'll follow the one after the next one…  
So maybe the coming arc will feel a little hurried, I just don't really know how to get through the necessary stuff… I wanna get into the _fun_ stuff…

*sing-song voice* _Kakashi is a teenager…  
_ Yeah, I chuckled writing that, proofreading it, beta'ing it, _and_ during the final proofread… heh…

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 40: Unexpected Turns On Life's Twisting Road

"Choji, could we talk for a minute…?" 

Shikamaru walked into the Akimichi's living room like he'd done a thousand times before. But he had never before felt so apprehensive about it.

"Sure, what's up?" He saw his friends nerves, all though he had no idea what was wrong.  
So Choji simply patted on the couch next to him, inviting his best friend to join him. 

Only he didn't. 

"I… Could we maybe take a walk?" 

"A _walk_?!" Okay, now he was _sure_ there was something terribly wrong, "Shikamaru…?" He hesitated, unsure what he should say next. The Akimichi had never seen his best friend like _this_ before, Shikamaru was positively _trembling_. 

"Choji… please," Shikamaru wiped a hand over his eyes, this wasn't going well so far.  
He'd talked the whole thing over with Kakashi, and had eventually decided he wanted to do this himself. But now he was having second thoughts about that. 

XOXOX

 _The previous evening,_

 __"So you're sure about this, Shikamaru?" The silver-haired man was leaning back against the wall, relaxing.

"Yeah, I mean… He's like my be- well, my oldest friend anyway" 

Kakashi looked at the boy sitting against his desk, he'd pulled his legs up, resting his arms on top. Shikamaru obviously wasn't as calm as his older friend was, but he wasn't exactly freaking out either. Choji was definitely someone special to him. 

"You know, there's no reason why you couldn't just say 'best friend', that's what he is to you, right? It's not like you'll offend me or anything…" 

The Nara sighted, "This is a drag…" Looking up, he gave a small smirk, "That's the thing, though. He's not- I mean he _is_. I just… Have two best friends, I guess…" 

He studied Kakashi's face, waiting for – what exactly? 

"I'm honored," The other said simply, the easiness of the statement embarrassing the young man.

"Yeah, well, it's a drag anyway…" 

Kakashi smiled, Every time, every _freaking_ time that Shikamaru was at a loss for words, he would always say the same thing. 

' _It's a drag' But it's not, is it? You just don't know how to say what you really feel. And so every single thing is a drag. You're cute like this, Shikamaru.  
_

_Wait. Did I just think that? That he's cute? I've been thinking that a lot lately, haven't I?  
I guess it's just what happens when you become so close with someone so much younger. It __**is**_ _cute how he gets so awkward sometimes, over the littlest things.  
_

_But at the same time… That's not exactly what I'm thinking about when I think he's cute, now is it? He's handsome, like all Nara's are, I suppose. But he still has that softness, not the sharp edges that eventually catch up with every shinobi. Only it's more than that. I'm pretty sure that it's more than that.  
_

_I'm pretty sure I should stop thinking about him now, too…  
_

"I don't think it's a drag, Shikamaru. I think it's a blessing, really. Honestly… I could've never imagined having friends like you and Iruka… " 

He looked on as the younger man blushed. But Shikamaru apparently decided the red cheeks didn't matter, as he got up and sat next to his friend. Leaning back against the wall like Kakashi was doing. 

"Thank you," He offered a small smile, before dropping his head on his elder's shoulder.  
"You always know how to take the embarrassing stuff away…" 

Kakashi threw an arm around lean shoulders, "Happy to help. Have you figured out how you're going to tell him yet?" 

The boy shifted a little, making himself more comfortable, "I kinda thought I'd wing it. Choji isn't the kind of guy that's gonna let me follow some kind of plan anyway. That's part of why our friendship works so well… I _do_ think I'm gonna try to get him outside though, maybe take him to the Nara grounds…" 

"The forest?" 

Shikamaru nodded, "I know I'm _technically_ not allowed to take anyone else there, but he's been there before. Choza too, so… They just still can't go in without a Nara by their side" 

"Ensuring almost certain complete privacy…" 

"Yeah… It's a drag, but I really don't want anyone listening in"

XOXOX

"Lady Tsunade, can we talk?" 

"Kakashi, of course, let me guess… You want your key back?" The Hokage smiled at him, the awkward conversation they'd had yesterday still fresh on her mind. _'He's_ _ **fifteen**_ _Tsunade…!'_ Yeah… She knew. 

She also knew how much the temperature had dropped right before he spoke those words, and Tsunade wasn't soon forgetting that. 

"That too, of course," He spoke cautiously. 

"What else?" 

"Could we… talk about the key first…? I mean, I had to borrow my own spare from Iruka just now…" 

"Sure. I think you've proven yourself able to function again, Kakashi, I really do. And even though you may not want to hear this, I want you to know I'm proud of you. 

You didn't fall back into your old habits but actually changed things. Told other people about what was bothering you. Cooperated with me wanting to talk to you, even though you didn't want to. You've worked hard, and I wanted to tell you that, I suppose" 

"Tsunade…" The jounin looked embarrassed, but since they were alone in the office for now, Tsunade figured he'd just have to deal with it. These were things she needed to tell him, he needed to know that his progress had been noted. 

Even if he didn't want to hear it now, she knew that eventually, her words would sink in. 

"You've made real progress, Kakashi. But you're not done yet.  
Yes, you're getting your key back, and yes, I'll stop scrutinizing your every move. But really, I want you to stay in therapy for the time being. I'm not saying this to punish you, Kakashi," She added as his reaction to the word 'therapy' became clear. 

The man stood, arms crossed before his chest now, legs wide. A frown on his face, "I don't do therapy" 

The blonde sighted, "I'm not going to force you, Kakashi. However, I _do_ want you to really consider this" 

"Why? I'm not doing it," His tone was almost childish as he declared this, making Tsunade force back a smile. 

"And why not, pray tell?" She cocked her head to the side, raising one eyebrow. 

"Just don't," He retorted grumpily. 

The woman sighted, "Did I just say you've made such great progress? I take it back. You're a teenager, Kakashi. A teenager in his rebellious phase" 

"I don't care. No therapy" 

"Why not? Just give me one reason, why do you hate the idea of therapy so much?" 

He remained quiet for quite a while, seemingly trying to catch his thoughts into words. It still made her proud. No more quick responses, gone were the emotionless words. He was actually considering the question. 

For almost ten minutes.  
There was that… 

"I don't like the idea of a stranger knowing so much…" He spoke softly, looking down at the floor, "I don't trust people so easily. And I don't even _want_ to talk about it anymore… I feel better, a lot better. I'm sure it'll only improve with time because now I have a support system – I never had _that_ before…" 

"You're right about that, having a support system is incredibly important… But Kakashi, you can't expect your friends to be able to handle everything. Do you think that would be fair to them?" 

" _I_ can handle it" 

"That is the _exact_ attitude that got you into this mess in the first place!" Her patience was rapidly dissipating at this point, she'd tried so hard, _so_ hard, to stay calm. But seeing him casually walk back on the road to destruction… It tore her heart apart. 

"It's not" 

"Is _too_!- No, Kakashi we're _not_ doing this again. I've had enough of this yes-no business with you!" 

"Then just accept my decision!" He was yelling now, too. Everything but this argument forgotten. 

"I can't! I can't see you fall apart again!" Tears welled up in Tsunade's eyes, the stress, the pain she'd witnessed, she couldn't go through that again, never again.

XOXOX

Right now, Shikamaru _really_ wished he _had_ come up with a plan. 

"Choji… please," The Akimichi watched as his best friend wiped a hand over his eyes. He quickly came to a decision. 

Getting up from the couch, he walked over to Shikamaru, "Let's walk then" 

"Thanks…"

XOXOX

"Kakashi," She took a deep breath, steadying herself, "I understand your apprehension, I really do" 

"It's not apprehension, I just don't want to," He'd calmed down a little too, although his tone was still angry. 

"Whatever, call it what you want, I'm not gonna argue… Tell me something, though. When we talked, how did that feel?" 

"Is this an impromptu session?" 

"No, an honest question," _Stay calm, Tsunade, stay calm. He still isn't completely up to his usual speed yet. Stay calm.  
_

"Fine," The man huffed, "Apart from the last bit- pretty good. Happy?" 

She all but chuckled, "That's it? Pretty good? You were so vocal yesterday…" 

"I don't really feel like talking," He sighted, taking a deep breath.  
"I… I guess I felt mostly awkward, and scared, too. But… I felt better after. Peaceful" 

She smiled at him, "That's all I want for you, you know. That feeling, the peace… That's why I brought up therapy. Because basically, that's what that was, Kakashi. And you felt better after" 

He stayed still for a few moment, contemplating what she'd said. 

"I don't want to talk to a stranger…" 

"Would you talk to me?"

XOXOX

 _Where are we going? We've been walking a while now, and he still hasn't said anything.  
Should I ask?  
No, probably not.  
Are we really going where I think we're going?  
Seems like…  
But last time we went there, that was after his first mission as team leader, right?  
We only go into the forest if Shikamaru is upset.  
But he is, that's clear. But then why does this feel different?  
It just feels wrong.  
Something is off…  
_

"Shikamaru-" 

"Please Choji, not yet. We're almost there" 

"I know that, that's why I'm getting worried…" Choji tried to look at his friend, but Shikamaru was walking unusually fast, hands in his pockets, slouched down like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
Choji was getting scared…

As they stepped under the trees, Shikamaru wasn't sure where to go next.  
So he haphazardly chose a direction and stuck with it. When they eventually came upon a little clearing, he stopped. Choji was panting behind him, and he, too, felt out of breath.  
But he just didn't feel _ready_ yet. 

"Shika- Shikamaru… Can't we… Just… Talk here?" 

The young Nara instantly felt bad, he hadn't meant for Choji to get worn out. 

"Sure," He chose a spot under one of the big trees, resting his back against the rough trunk. 

Choji followed his lead, sitting down beside him, their shoulders all but touching.  
They didn't look at each other, instead fixing their gaze on the clouds above. They were barely visible through the branches, but still. 

"There is something I need to tell you about, Choji…" 

"I realized," Choji kept his voice soft, trying to ban the worry out. 

"Yeah… I'm sorry about all this, I know it's a drag, but…" He fell quiet for a while, figuring out how to go on. Choji seemed to once again read his mind as the Akimichi remained silent, waiting patiently for his best friend to find the words he so desperately sought. 

"You see… Choji… I…" Shikamaru sighted. 

Sighted again. 

And tried again, "You know a lot about me, right? Like I know a lot about you, only… Only there is one thing that you don't know. That you _should_ know," 

_Might as well follow Kakashi's footsteps in this. Wasn't this how he told Iruka-sensei? If that worked out all right, maybe this will too….  
_

"You mean that you're gay, and that you're in love with Asuma-sensei. I know" 

Shikamaru almost lurched forward in an attempt to look his friend in the eyes, "You _knew?!_ For how long?!" 

"A while… Years probably. But I figured you didn't want to talk about it, so…" 

The Nara was flabbergasted, pushing the words past his lips, "I… didn't…" 

"I know," As Choji looked his best friend in the eyes, he could see the glint of tears, "To be honest, Shikamaru, if I'd known that you wanted to talk about that I wouldn't have been so worried… You're my friend and I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me, because you can" 

Shikamaru swallowed, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks, "I know I can, Choji, I just… I…" He'd lost the fight against the tears, but hardly noticed, "I'm sorry…" 

"It's okay, you were just scared, I guess that's pretty normal… So is this why you've been hanging out with Kakashi-sensei lately?" 

"I- wait Choji, what do you know about that?" 

"I know you've been staying over at his place a lot, lately. I don't really know why… Is it… Is he…?" 

"Yeah, he is," Shikamaru smirked, "He'd have been here with me if I wanted to , so I guess he'll be fine with me telling you" _  
_

XOXOX

Kakashi simply stood there as the minutes ticked by.  
She knew she had to be patient, knew he needed the time, but this was extremely hard on Tsunade.  
Still, if she wanted him to accept her proposal, she'd have to prove to him that she could be patient as well. 

He puffed his cheeks, holding his breath for a little longer, before letting it out, forming one single word, "Yessss…." 

Tsunade brought out an encouraging smile, but before she could speak, Kakashi spoke up again. 

"I do, however, have one request…" He'd spoken softly, calmly, but that changed as he opened his mouth once more, sounding almost desperate, "I'm getting cabin-fever here, I'm going stir-crazy! I _need_ a _mission_ , Tsunade, and not just- I mean… I'm running out of money…" He ended weakly. 

"We could take care of that," She pointed out, "There's a fund, but I get it. You need to get out" 

Tsunade worried the inside of her lip for a moment, "Tell you what, I'll have Shizune find you something to ease you back in the game. It's not going to be a high ranking mission, but it'll get you out. In the meantime I'll handle the stuff about the fund, because I don't want you overworking yourself just to pay rent, all right?" 

He nodded, not entirely happy, but he accepted nonetheless. 

"Very well, I want to have one more talk with you before you leave, if that's okay with you" 

"Does this one count?" He sounded careful, clearly unwilling to go through with it, even though he'd just said he would. 

"No. Sorry, Kakashi, but I mean something a little more… planned" 

He sighted in defeat, "All right… But just please get me out of here as soon as possible…" 

__XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _I hope this wasn't too much stuff squeezed into one chapter, I wanted to keep the tension up a little, so I took two storylines that I knew I wanted to finish in one chapter, and shuffled them together. You might start to see more of this tactic once my next arc begins, because I'm scattering people all around on that one, so…  
Let me know if this got too confusing, because if so I'll have to re-work some of the chapters for later on ^.^  
_

_As always thanks for reading and please leave me a review!_


	41. A Painful Conversation

AUTHORS NOTE: Finally, _finally_ I'm taking Asuma off the 'asshole-bench'  
Honestly guys, I can't tell you how much it hurt to make Asuma be such a homophobe, but it will all be over after this. After all, if you've kept up with the timeline, it's now about a month before Naruto returns to the village. And by that time, Asuma and Shikamaru have to be talking to each other again, yay for time crunches…

As always, please _please_ take the time to write me a review ^.^ 

Thank you Cherryflowerblossoms for another great review- you made my day.  
And, Vicky, does this answer your question?

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 41: A Painful Conversation

XOXOX

"Asuma!" Shikamaru had a hard time believing his eyes, he'd never expected to run into his old sensei like this. Especially not right after talking with Choji. He was still feeling the buzz from his relief over his friends easy acceptance, so seeing Asuma here almost felt like fate. 

_Maybe we can finally talk this out… I'd really appreciate that, even though I know now that he'll never really accept_ _ **that**_ _part of me, I still hope we can get to a point where we can be normal around each other again. Even if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, even if we never even play Shogi again anymore… Just being courteous with one another again, not seeing him make an exit the second I walk into a room, just…_

 __"Hey, Shikamaru…"

 _Okay, so maybe we're not off to the best start, but at least he isn't running away from me this time._

 __The jounin rubbed the back of his head, waiting for his former student to catch up to him on the busy street.

"Look, Shikamaru…" He started as the young man stood a few feet away, "I- I think we need to talk, but… Not here. And I- I can't really be alone with you either… "

 _Ouch… I didn't see that one coming… Maybe I should have, though. Didn't he say he felt like I was stripping him last time we spoke?  
_

"Asuma, I get it…. You think I'm some pervert now, don't you?"

"No! No, that's… That's not true, Shikamaru. All right, you know what? My new place is just around the corner from here. Just come up, okay?"

They walked in silence, neither of them knowing what to say at this point. When they'd rounded the corner Asuma excused himself for a minute, turning to buy new cigarettes from the store at the ground floor of the newly-build apartment complex he apparently lived in. Upon his return, the jounin motioned for the chuunin to follow him and walked up the stairs. They climbed three flights of stairs as Asuma's apartment was on the top floor.

"So, when did you move?" 

"Officially moved in five days ago, still not done unpacking yet, though…" 

Shikamaru had no ideas to keep the conversation going, so they remained silent once more. When they got to the top of the last staircase, Asuma unlocked the first door, "This is it, welcome, I guess." 

"Thanks," As Shikamaru entered the apartment, he whistled, "Wow, this is certainly an improvement. This is a big place, Asuma!"

"Yeah… I just wanted some more space…" The bearded man looked anxious again, rubbing the back of his head, "Want a drink?"

"Sure," Shikamaru moved to sit at the kitchen table, seeing that was the only place that wasn't riddled with open and unopened boxes. 

Asuma walked past him, filling the kettle and lighting a fire underneath. I only have Genmaicha, that okay for you?"

"It's fine, I don't really care, anyway…" 

Shikamaru watched as his old sensei busied himself in the kitchen. It was quite obvious he was trying to occupy himself so as not to look at his guest. But eventually, the water boiled, the tea was prepared, and Asuma had no more excuses.  
After he'd placed the two cups on the table, he sat down too.

He picked up a cigarette, but didn't light it yet; "I hear you've been hanging around Kakashi lately…" His lighter flickered as the smoke caught fire, "Any particular reason?"

"Not really," Shikamaru blew on his tea, contemplating his previous statement. 

_That was a total lie and you know it! But I know Kakashi wouldn't want me to blow his whistle… Oh man, that sounded dirty! The guy's rubbing off on my, what a drag…_

 __"Actually… That's not true. Kakashi was there for me when you weren't."

The bearded jounin visibly swallowed, "I- I'm sorry, Shikamaru…" 

"Don't be. It's okay. Anyway, he helped me get back on my feet. Got me to the point where I can be sitting at your kitchen table, drinking my tea and not feel like running away. I guess that's a good thing" 

"Yeah…" It sounded like Asuma had to physically _push_ that one word past his lips. 

_This is getting ridiculous. Looks like I have to make the first move if I ever want this to be right again. What a drag…_

"Asuma, let's stop beating around the bush here, all right? I'm gay, I told you so a while ago, and I made the mistake of adding that I'm in love with you. I know now that I should've never put that burden on you, not all at once in any case.  
Thing is…. I can't change the past. I would if I could, but I can't. So I guess, what I'm trying to ask you here is this: Can you live with it?" 

For a long time, the jounin just sat there.  
He finished his cigarette.  
Lit a new one.  
Finished that.  
Lit another. 

Shikamaru waited.

XOXOX

"Here's one, a noble-man in the Land of Fire is afraid his house is under surveillance. It's just three days out so Kakashi would easily be back in time to pay his rent. His Sharingan could come in handy, too. And… Let's see… Yes, we could put Neji and Shino on his squad, together they should be able to detect every sort of observation known to man"

Tsunade looked up from the document she'd been reading, "What's the rank?" 

"It's B-rank, nice and easy to get him back in the game. Right?" 

The Hokage nodded at her assistant, "Let's do it."

XOXOX

Asuma's tea had gone cold, Shikamaru'd finished his. He'd watched his friend smoke one cigarette after another for almost half an hour. _This sort of reminds me of Kakashi a few days back. He was chain-smoking like this too. Only it's even more disturbing to see Asuma do it….  
_

"Shikamaru… " 

_Finally!  
_

"I'm a straight man. You know that, right?" 

"I do, and I also know you've been with Kurenai forever" 

"Well…. Yes. But, the thing is… What you want from me-" 

"I _don't_ want anything from you. I only want us to get along again, you don't even have to stay my friend if you don't want to, I just want to know that you're not going to run away every time I walk into a room." 

"I haven't-" 

"Yes, you have. And I've been trying to ignore how much that hurt. Not because I'm in love with you, but because the Asuma _I_ know never runs away from _anything_." 

Shikamaru sighted, this was even harder than he'd thought. He'd been hoping for a chance to speak with Asuma, a chance to make things right again. But this wasn't going very well… 

"I ran away from you… I ran away, because… Because you scared me," Asuma's voice was shaking, and he spoke so softly that Shikamaru had no choice but to lean over to hear. 

Anxious that the bearded man would stop talking because of it, but also secretly happy to be so close to him again. 

Though it seemed that Asuma didn't even notice; "I never thought anything like this would ever happen to a friend of mine…" 

It felt like Asuma had just punched him in the gut, "Happen to?! What-… This is who I _am_ Asuma. It's not something that's happened _to_ me, like some enemy jutsu or something." 

"I… Get that… But don't you see it's wrong, Shikamaru?" 

_I shoudn't have said that… Look at the boy! I really shouldn't have said it like that. I'm not even sure if_ _ **I**_ _still believe it… Quick, think of something!  
_

"Asuma… I don't understand how this can be wrong. Okay, I might have fallen in love with the wrong person," Shikamaru frowned, "No, scratch that, I _definitely_ did. But… How is loving someone wrong?" 

The young Nara had been staring at the same spot on the table since Asuma's last words to him, but now he looked up, "I'm not going to apologize for that. Because it's _not_ wrong!" 

The jounin swallowed, lighting another cigarette he concurred, "You're right, it's not. And I've been an ass."

XOXOX

 **A/N:** _He finally realized! Asuma realized what an ass he's been! *little happy dance*  
Things are gonna get better from here on out guys, well, at least between these two- I'm still way to sufficient in plunging people into darkness to make any promises for the future ;)_


	42. Safe

AUTHORS NOTE: Kakashi's past gets unraveled, slowly, ever so slowly…

As always, thank you for being so amazing to review, **Cherryflowerblossoms** and **Jaz101-** means the world, really does. 

But seriously, what's up with the Asuma-bashing?  
I mean, I know the guy's been a total jerk, but I also tried to show his remorse, and the fact that he'd just never really thought about it before…  
Okay, so _maybe_ I'm not the best choice to write a homophobic character…  
Colored views and all that… 

Oh and Jaz, why was _that one_ the best chapter so far? Because Shikamaru totally owned Asuma…?  
I personally thought it was pretty mediocre, definitely not my best work…  
It was actually written out of sheer necessity, but like I said… Colored views… 

I think I might have to do something to get Asuma back into your good graces now, but what…? I can't honestly say I'm such a big fan of the guy at this point either…

Anyway, thanks for encouraging me so much, I already _loved_ writing this story (even with all the hurt, and that really _did_ affect me…) But you guys made writing this so much better, so much more fun!  
 **A huge thanks to everyone that's reviewed, followed or favorite!**

And that was a _huge_ A/N…. lol, but it needed to be said. On with the story;  
-xoxo- Nerissi 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 42: Safe

XOXOX

Kakashi Hatake was pacing. In just a few short minutes, Tsunade would be knocking on his door.  
Sure, it was part of the deal,' a session for a mission' as Kakashi secretly called it.  
But that didn't make him feel any less anxious about it. He'd quickly realized that he couldn't talk his way out of this, nor play it vague anymore. 

It was by far the scariest thing he'd ever had to do. 

The silver-haired man was startled out of his thoughts by the knock on the door.  
He'd been expecting it, but still, almost jumped. 

Running a hand through his silver locks, he went to open the door, when he did, the first thing that came into view was a pack of smokes. 

"Figured you'd want these," Tsunade held the item up for inspection, right in front of his nose. 

"Yeah… Thanks," He sounded surprised, but didn't feel like trying to hide it anyway, "You want some tea?" He asked, while stepping back to let her in. 

"Please," She followed him into the kitchen, _not_ what he wanted right now. 

Still, playing the gracious host for now, he opened one of the cupboards, "You choose"

XOXOX

After preparing the tea, Kakashi took the tray over to the bedroom, he never liked the kitchen as much, probably because the windows in his bedroom actually let some _light_ in. The ones in the kitchen seemed to only serve a decorative purpose. 

Tsunade followed without questioning, however, and sat herself down on the chair once more. 

"So, is there anything _you_ want to talk about?" She asked calmly, blowing on her hot tea. 

"I'm only agreeing to this grudgingly, so no," He sat very still for a moment before continuing, "If I take the mask off, are you going to stare?" 

Tsunade decided that honesty was the best policy, "I would look, I'll be frank about that. But staring, no. I realize you've probably got your reasons for wearing that" 

"I do…" Swallowing, he fixed his eye on Tsunade's face before slowly pulling down the mask, "There's nothing weird here, it's just…" He chuckled, looking away in embarrassment. 

"You don't have to," Tsunade offered. 

A wry smile graced narrow, pinkish lips, "Don't tell me you haven't been wondering…" 

"That's beside the point. And I think I understand now, anyway…" She said thoughtfully. 

"Yeah…" He cleared his throat, taking a sip of his tea before putting the cup away and picking up the cigarettes. 

"Anyway… There is _one_ thing I'd like to talk about…" He worried the inside of his lip for a while, "It's just not easy…" 

Tsunade only nodded, encouraging him, but not pushing. 

"There is… It's about when I was younger… I…You may have heard some of this already…" He swallowed again, taking a deep drag from his smoke, "I wasn't exactly… _respectable_ back then," A chuckle, "Still not respectable, though" 

"I happen to find that you _are_ pretty respectable, you're reliable, kind, warm-" 

"Perverted," He flashed her one of his eye-crinkling smiles. Only now that she could see his face, the effect was multiplied by about a hundred, and it suddenly struck her; _This man is_ _ **hot**_ _.  
_

_No, focus!_ She chided herself, "Maybe a little," She smiled back, "Still…" 

"I get it…" He spoke softly, "It wasn't always like that, though…" 

He shifted a little uncomfortably, moving back on the bed until his back leaned against the wall. He pulled up his knees, but then apparently thought better of it. His feet still together, he let his knees fall to the sides, creating a V-shape that, combined with the uniform pants he was wearing, almost distracted the woman before him from the fact that she was supposed to be his therapist right now. Not that he noticed, the man had let his guard down, his usual charming demeanor nowhere to be found. 

Tsunade discretely took a deep breath, hiding behind her tea cup. 

_This guy… It's almost a waste, really. That would be some pretty babies… Wait, stop that Tsunade!  
_

He let his arms drop on his upper legs, seemingly pretty relaxed. Tsunade wasn't fooled, though.  
And if she'd needed any more proof of the matter, the apparent strain in his voice did just that. 

"There is this one time that I remember… Well, I remember a lot of them, too much, actually. But…"  
He sighted, "This is even harder than I thought…" He bit his lip. 

All Tsunade saw for a moment were perfect, white pearls, biting down on soft pinkish flesh. For only a moment, the seriousness of the gesture escaped her. _He looks almost too perfect…  
_

Quickly regaining her composure, Tsunade tried to think of some words she could actually speak out loud, something to _help_ him, rather than embarrass him. But he beat her to it. 

"I was walking through some town, I don't remember where or what it was called, those things are all a blur now… I went on so many missions, I just… It doesn't really matter anyway, I guess,"  
He chose another cigarette, looking contemplative, "There was a bar- there's always a bar. You just have to know what to look for… 

Anyway, this one wasn't much different, I suppose. Bit shady, serves nothing but the hard stuff, guys checking each other out… You're really just a piece of meat in those bars, back then I didn't mind.

I guess that's changed as well…  
But there was this guy… He-" Suddenly, he moved. 

Shifting on the bed, trying to find another way to position himself. 

Tsunade could see why, _That guy must've been very beautiful indeed… If even the memory of him causes_ _ **this**_ _kind of reaction…_

He gave up, a glance at the blonde had shown him he wasn't fooling anyone anyway. 

"Okay… This is more than a little embarrassing… But, yeah… He was _attractive…  
_ You asked me before if I have a type… I don't, I wasn't lying about that. But back then… Apart from me jumping _pretty much any guy_ I could get my hands on, I did. Sort of. Have a type. And he was the pinnacle of… _Everything_ … 

There's this… Code, I guess, in those kinds of places. Don't ask, don't tell sorta thing. If you don't want to give your name, you don't.  
If you don't want your girlfriend to know, no-one's gonna tell her. It's pretty… safe, I suppose. 

Only it's not. Because you're totally anonymous, and there's absolutely nobody looking out for you. I was eighteen at the time, had been doing this sort of thing for a while, so I felt pretty confident.  
Too confident. 

I put on a little show, just… you know, getting some attention. Worked like a charm. Still does, actually. _That_ hasn't changed… " He chuckled.

"Anyway, after all that, I could tell he was interested, so I chatted him up a little.  
Places like that, that pretty much means something along the lines of 'I want your dick in me' or, 'I wanna fuck you'. Before you decide who's place you're going to" 

The copy ninja shrugged, he hadn't looked at Tsunade since that little glance, and his face was bright-red. But he made no attempt to pull the mask back up. 

Reaching for his tea, he shot her a quick look. She seemed to be waiting patiently, and he had to remind himself why this was supposed to be so awkward again.  
It sure didn't _feel_ that awkward. Yeah, sure, having to say this stuff out loud, and his obvious erection made him feel uncomfortable, but Tsunade… Actually made him feel safer. 

"Those days… I guess I might as well tell you…" He bit his lip again, scrunching up his eye, before locking his gaze at his feet, "Nowadays, I'm a lot different from whatever I was back then, and _, then_ , I never relinquished control," He looked up for a second, trying to see if she understood, when it looked like she didn't, he added, "I'd top. No two ways about it" 

_Does he mean to say that that has changed as well? From what I know, that's a pretty drastic shift, no? Maybe I'll ask him sometime, but not now.  
_

"So… This guy, he said he'd never bottomed before, but he would… For me," He ruffled his silver locks, looking rather embarrassed. 

"Because I was… Cute. Well, that wasn't the only word he used, but I'm not going to repeat the rest of it," He smiled a little self-consciously, "Anyway, I went home with him" 

Kakashi took a deep breath, preparing himself for the confession that would come next. 

"He asked me to be gentle, you know, first time and all… And I did.  
At first…" 

He didn't look up, couldn't look up as he reached for another cigarette, shakily lighting it.  
It took the man a few minutes to calm himself down to the point where he could continue. 

"It's… It's hard to explain what it feels like, the urge to move, to-…  
So I moved- I became more and more aggressive about it, and… And at some point he actually started crying. But at that point I didn't even care anymore… 

I- I hurt him so bad that he was bleeding, but I just…  
I left. I actually had the nerve to just say 'thank you' and leave… 

I don't even know if I… I mean, you know, _physically_ damaged him. The emotional damage I'm very much aware of. Not back then, not really. I just felt awkward because he was crying. I didn't actually care… 

I'm a monster…" 

He stopped talking, tears stinging in his eyes. 

"No, you're not," She paused for a moment, "Not anymore, anyway" 

Kakashi's head shot up. Finally, he was looking at the woman before him.  
Eye wide, a stunned expression on his face. 

She gave him a reassuring smile, "Back then, I won't argue with you about that. Not yet. But now… You're not a monster, Kakashi. You're a man with a painful past, and you cleaned up your act better than anyone would have ever expected. You should take some pride in that" 

"I'm sorry," His voice broke, tears finally falling down his cheeks.  
The quiet sobs soon grew desperate, his body shaking violently. 

The blonde couldn't take it, she quickly walked over to the bed, cradling the crying man.

XOXOX

Tsunade really had no idea how long she sat there, with Kakahsi crying against her chest.  
But eventually, he seemed to calm down a little, sheepishly retreating from her embrace. 

"I'm sorry," He wiped at his eyes. 

She could only look at him, unable to find any words. But she gave him a comforting smile, as it was about the only thing she'd get her lips to do at this point. 

He tried to smile back, but instead started crying again. Not long this time, and not with the panic he'd felt before. These were tears of relief.  
When they dried, he apologized again. 

This time, she _could_ find her tongue, "Don't apologize, Kakashi," Softly placing a hand on his leg, she could feel the younger man wince at the contact, "It's all right," She soothed, "You don't have to be afraid now, I'm here with you" 

"I'm disgusting," The words came out in a thick voice, a broken one. 

"No, you're not," His voice made shivers run down her spine, "Is that why you hate yourself?" 

"Part of it" 

"Do you hate _this_ ," She lightly tapped him with the hand that was still resting on his leg, "Kakashi Hatake?" 

"Yes" 

"Then we'll work on that. Because _this_ man," Another light tap, "Is not that one" 

XOXOX

It had taken her almost two hours to calm Kakashi down after that talk, and as Tsunade walked home through the dark of the night, she almost reconsidered sending him out tomorrow.  
But she also knew that for _Kakashi_ , a mission would probably be beneficial. 

She didn't even feel like drinking tonight. Her mind still overflowing with the pain of the man that had once tested the very limits of her patience. 

He did now too, but in another way.  
He tried her patience with herself. Testing how long she could remain the therapist, not the woman. 

_Apparently not very long,_ she gave the night air a wry smile, _couldn't even make it through one session without cradling him in my arms, like a little boy.  
Oh, but he __**was**_ _a little boy…_ She sighted.  
 _A scared little boy, all alone in the world, with no-one to look out for him, no-one to help him.  
How did such a child grow into the Legend of Konoha?  
By being broken… This world broke him, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.  
_

_I_ _ **will**_ _pick up the pieces. Kakashi, you're safe. I swear, you're safe now._

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Tsunade the therapist- tell me what you think!  
Also, let me know if there's any topics you'd want these two to cover. I'm not making any promises, but I'll consider them :)_


	43. A New Mission Is Assigned

AUTHORS NOTE: And here I am, _finally_ starting the 'mission arc' I got so worked up about… I still don't really feel like writing it, so ye be warned…  
I'll do my best though, I need this thing for the story to unfold. But I'll probably keep it short. Since I don't feel like writing it :P 

I really, from the bottom of my heart, apologize for the delay in uploading!  
I was really worried about this whole thing not coming out right (Okay, I just winced at my own choice of words…)  
Anyway, I've had the _immense_ honor of Cherryflowerblossom looking this over first – YAY! I have a beta! *little happy dance* (Seriously, I did a _huge_ one when she agreed to do this for me…) 

Now, without further ado, I present to you: The New Mission Arc!  
Let's have a round of applause for everyone sticking with me through my little silent period :D

XOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 43: A New Mission Is Assigned;

XOXOX

Iruka-sensei had actually managed to explain the whole thing in a way that didn't make it feel too awkward.  
And it wasn't Shino's fault, she understood that now. What she _didn't_ understand was why the boy hadn't just said something. Sakura _had_ had medical training after all. She knew her way around a human body, and teenage boys weren't exactly an exception to that.  
Or so she would like to believe, anyway. 

She realized that it wasn't entirely true, blushing again as the way she'd acted in the restaurant just days before was brought to her attention by her diligent mind.  
Still… 

"Shino, you could have just explained, don't you think?" 

"I do not believe so. I am sorry, Sakura" 

She'd forgiven him, of course. Their friendship was more important to her than this awkward tidbit, and she silently vowed she would not put Shino in a position like that ever again. 

_Although, I wonder if that means I never get to touch him again… It always feel so safe, so comfortable when we lock our arms together.  
And hugging him feels even safer._

The pinkette winced, realizing again what she'd put her best friend through just for her own comfort. 

_I'll just have to live with it, I suppose. Maybe when he comes back from his mission_ _,_ _we can talk about it some more. I'd like to ask him to tell me if and when it's okay for me to get closer again._

_Although… This is_ _ **Shino**_ _we're talking about… Silence is pretty much his strong suit… Not around me though, I think it's just a shell after all…  
Like Gaara, and Neji too, I think. And Kakashi-sensei, too.  
Wow, a lot of guys put up huge walls around them! I think Sasuke did that, too.  
Actually, isn't that what Ino and I did to each other?_

_I just hope Shino isn't going to hold this whole thing against me…._

XOXOX

Neji Hyuga took one look at the mission scroll and groaned.  
He _knew_ this address had been there before.  
At least this time, the client's name was different. He should be grateful for that much. 

Looking over at the team assembled for this mission, he knew it was the best possible combination, however, that _didn't_ mean he was looking forward to it. 

After spending some time with 'Team Gai' on his last mission, the Hyuga had realized something: He didn't like quiet teammates as much as he thought he did. 

He knew this would probably sound weird, coming from him, but the overly excited Gai and Lee somehow made his heart feel but a little lighter, the warm and sometimes overbearing Tenten made him feel safer somehow. 

However Shino Aburame and Kakashi Hatake fit none of these requirements . The reserved Hyuga couldn't hold back a soft sigh. 

"Neji, is there something wrong?" Shino probed, unsure what could possibly make the Hyuga sigh. 

"No, it's fine. It's only that I just came from this address a few days ago. And the client at that time was rather... unpleasant." 

"Unpleasant? Like how?" Kakashi interjected, the jounin almost sounded cautious, something Neji could not recall ever happening before. 

They'd exited the Hokage's office by now, walking down the winding hallway with the stairs almost in sight. "He was verbally abusive, and used four capable shinobi in stead of hiring a moving company," Neji was suprised at his own openness. He usually didn't speak like this but something in the copy ninja's tone had drawn out his honesty. 

"Verbally abusive, how?" This time, the apprehension in the older man's voice was apparent, and it made him wonder what this living legend had on his mind, as the way he behaved now seemed to be completely out of character. 

Neji let out another small sigh, starting down the stairs as he spoke, "Mostly calling us lazy, stupid and useless. I am uncertain as to his intentions in calling us these things, however. The packs he'd ordered us to carry with us were about our own weight at the least- not a way to move very quickly _or_ efficiently."

"I see... You went with Gai, didn't you?" The soft voice held a contemplative tone to it, making the Hyuga question his teamleader's state of mind once more. 

"Yes, Gai, Lee and Tenten. The old team back together," He gave the other a small smile, still trying to gauge Kakashi's mood. 

"Ah, I'm sorry I've missed Gai again, then..." 

_Well, that's new... I realize that Kakashi doesn't mind Gai's incessant challenges as much as he makes believe, and the two of them are actually friends... But I'd never thought I would hear either of them complain that they haven't seen each other in a while..._

"Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk to him about?" 

"Actually... Yeah, I do. But we're leaving soon, so..." 

Shino had walked behind the other two quietly, but as they stepped out the door of the Hokage Tower, he spoke up, "This is not a mission that would force us to make great haste, Kakashi-sensei. I would not mind waiting until you have spoken with Gai-sensei first, if you feel the need to do so." 

_Shino too? This is getting too weird..._

"Ah, well thank you Shino, but it wouldn't be right. We _do_ have a mission after all... Besides, I think I'd rather get the man good and drunk before talking to him, something that is _definitely_ not going to happen before leaving on a mission. I will see the two of you at the main gate in thirty minutes," And just like that, Kakashi Hatake vanished into a little puff of smoke. 

Before the Aburame could walk off as well, Neji stopped him, "Shino, please tell me if there is something going on with Kakashi that I should know about." 

The other turned, looking him square in the eyes, "There is nothing that you should know about." 

_Meaning that there_ _ **is**_ _something..._ "Will he be able to focus on the mission?" 

"I believe he will, why? This is Kakashi Hatake we are talking about. He will focus on the mission at hand, much like he always does. Does this conclude our business together?" 

Neji nodded, letting the younger man go before walking home to pick up his own bag. 

_There is obvioulsy something going on with Kakashi, and it is equally obvious that Shino knows about it. And did he not just say he intended to get Gai-sensei_ _ **drunk**_ _before speaking with him? That is extremely uncharacteristic is it not? Not to mention slightly unethical..._

 _To Kakashi, the mission will come first, I know that. But then why do I not seem to be able to shake this feeling of uneasiness? This feeling that there is something not quite right with this entire situation?_

 _He is_ __ _a trained jounin, after all. One of the best. And he would have taken himself of the available shinobi list if he knew he would not be able to focus on or complete any missions..._

_But then,_ _ **why**_ _...?_

XOXOX

Shino silently cursed his luck at being assigned to Kakashi's team once again.  
He really didn't want to face the jounin again so soon, especially since he'd heard Sakura relay the _very_ personal tale about the man's history. 

He wasn't at all happy about Neji's questioning looks, either. And really, even though he'd just told the Hyuga that Kakashi-sensei would be fine on their mission, he wasn't too sure of that fact himself. 

There was something... _off_ about the copy ninja. Made all the more obvious by Neji's scrutiny. Shino didn't know how to handle this particular situation, deciding he would hurry to grab his pack and then see if he could find Sakura in time to discuss the matter. 

They had grown to be close friends, after all. And as the girl kept telling him; friends talk to each other about things that bother them.  
So he decided he would.

XOXOX

As Kakashi appeared in his bedroom, he found Shikamaru sitting on the bed, "So you're leaving on a mission again, eh?" 

"Yeah... Not that I don't enjoy our little chats here, but, if I don't go and make some money soon, I'll be out of a place to live." 

The Nara smirked, "Kakashi, I _know_ you're getting stir-crazy just sitting around talking all day. You really don't have to make any excuses. Besides, I'm leaving in the morning too. Some boring shit about a missing dude in the Land of Waves. Probably won't be back for a while..." 

"That's too bad," The copy ninja swirled around in his apartment, gathering his gear, "I was kind of hoping you could do me a favor when I got back..." 

"What's the favor?" Shikamaru raised one eyebrow, examining his friends moves as he quickly stuffed the needed equipment in a small backpack. 

"You know how I was there when you talked to your dad?"  
He got a small nod, his young friend would probably never forget that night, "Well... I should probably talk to Gai pretty soon... I mean, you've talked to Choji and all and I really shouldn't be setting a bad example by leaving my own friend-since-forever out of all this, but..." 

He dropped himself on the bed, resting his head on Shikamaru's shoulder for a while as he almost whispered, "I'm scared..." Lifting his head again, he held up one finger signaling he had a plan, "So, I thought I'd get him _beyond_ drunk first. Of course, that would mean that I'm _also_ beyond drunk, and I'd need someone to get me home safe, which is where you would come in. Honestly, I probably shouldn't be asking you this and Iruka would do it for me- no questions asked, but..." 

"You're still not sure how you feel about relying on Iruka-sensei for this kind of stuff." 

"That sounds about right, I mean... I can trust him, I know that but... I don't know... I don't _know_ Shikamaru..." 

Shikamaru shifted slightly on the bed so he could look his friend in the eye, "I'll be back as soon as I can, I swear. But, Kakashi... Do you really think getting him drunk is the best way to do this? I mean, doesn't that guy make a challenge out of every little thing that you do together?" 

"That's just the thing, Shikamaru," The jounin sighted before getting up to complete his mission preparations, "If I can challenge him to a drinking game, he won't think anything of it. And then... Then I can tell him and see how he'll react with the added bonus of Gai most likely not remembering the next day." 

"Forcing you to tell him twice," The Nara pointed out. 

"Only if he doesn't try to kill me the first time," He flashed one of his eye-crinkling smiles, though both knew he was faking it, "Gai can be pretty... Harsh, sometimes. And he has this clear image in his head of what a man should be. I'm pretty sure that image doesn't include enjoying to get fucked in the ass..." His voice trailed off and he quickly turned away to avoid showing his young friend the tears that were welling up in his eyes. 

But of course Shikamaru knew anyway. So he got up and turned his friend around to face him, placing both hands on muscular shoulders he tried to keep his tone as soft and caring as humanly possible.

"Look, I don't know the guy as well as you do, I'll admit to that. But I _do_ know that he values your friendship a lot. People are easy to predict, Kakashi. And I _swear_ , if he kicks you to the curb over _this_... I'll walk through this town _naked_. On my hands. While singing _every_ nursery rhyme my mother has _ever_ sung to me." 

Kakashi smiled over the 'Gai-ness' of this proposal- the self proclaimed punishment if Shikamaru turned out to be wrong, but it didn't do much to ease his fears.  
"It doesn't mean I'm not still dreading this though..." 

"I know," He smiled up at the silver-haired man, "Tell you what, I'll try to think of a better way to tell him, if you do the same. And when we're both back here, we'll discuss them and choose the best option. I'm sticking with you through this, Kakashi. I swear. I'm not letting my friend hang out to dry." 

Kakashi swallowed hard, almost whimpering when he heard the support in his younger friend's voice, "But... If you're there... He's gonna know..." 

"I know, it'll be a drag to have _that_ guy know something like that about me, but... That won't keep me away, Kakashi." 

The jounin voiced his thanks in a hardly audible tone, before returning to his packing, wiping at his eye every once in a while.  
When he was ready to leave, they walked out together, neither speaking another word. 

Kakashi turned right, when he turned left, both calling out to each other to make it back safe- the usual stuff. But on his way back home, Shikamaru never stopped thinking of better ways to tell Maito Gai about his rival's sexuality. 

XOXOX

"Sakura!" Shino startled as he found the girl he'd intended to go look for standing on his doorstep. 

"Hi, Shino," She smiled up at him, "Hinata told me you were leaving on a mission, so I came to wish you luck." 

"I'll need it..." The Kekaichu-handler groaned, before pulling his friend inside and into his bedroom. It felt a little awkward, he'd never before brought a girl in here, and he still had feelings for Sakura as well. But he needed a place where they could talk without anyone listening in, and this was the only place that came to mind. 

"Shino, what-" 

"Please, Sakura, I only have fifteen more minutes before I have to report to the Main Gate, and I really need to talk to you about something first." 

She nodded, quickly taking a seat on one of the pillows surrounding his low table. 

"I am leaving on this mission together with Neji Hyuga and Kakashi Hatake," He paused, hearing his friend gasp, "Yes, I feel... Somewhat awkward about it as I am certain he does not know that you have told me as much as you have. I am also apprehensive because he does not seem his usual, confident self yet." 

She leaned her elbows on the table, resting her chin in her hands as she looked up at him, "Are you afraid that Kakashi-sensei will compromise the mission?" A frown settled on her brow, her faith in her sensei's skills was unwavering. 

"I do not. I _do_ , however, fear he may compromise himself. His change in demeanor has already prompted Neji to ask me questions about his unusual mood." 

He bit his lip, unsure if his own words might not have contributed to Neji's concern. He _had_ suggested they would postpone the mission for a while, it was impossible to believe Neji had not noticed that. 

"Shino," She quickly got up, walking over to him. Sakura placed her hands on his shoulders, piercing his eyes with her own, "You're going to have to run interference." 

"Excuse me?" _What does she mean by that?_

Thankfully, Sakura seemed to once again be able to read his thoughts, explaining herself almost immediately, "You'll be a wall between Neji and Kakashi-sensei. Just like, on our mission together, Kakashi-sensei kept getting between us and Shikamaru. Remember that?" 

He nodded, "I remember, however I do not believe I will be capable of such actions," He sounded very insecure, prompting Sakura to lean in closer, examining the part of his face that she could actually see.

As the girl leaned in, the first thought that popped into Shino's head was that she was about to kiss him, but he immediately gave himself a mental kick for even _thinking_ about it.  
 _Of course she will not kiss you. Did you not have the most awkward talk ever with her not too long ago? She was obviously ill at ease when you dragged her in here, she will_ _ **not**_ _kiss you, ever.  
But then, what is she doing?_

"Shino, why does that make you so uncomfortable?" 

_Excuse me? You're leaning in and- oh, right, Kakashi-sensei..._

"I now know many things about the man while he does not know that I do. Private, personal things that you know as well. However, he _told_ you. I am already uncomfortable with being on a mission with him together, as I do not know how to act around the man. 'Running interference' as you call it, would make this almost unbearable" 

"Is it because he did all those things? Do you- you know- think he might-" 

"I do not. Please do not say such things aloud, Sakura. I believe the man has made it abundantly clear that _that_ is no longer the person he is. Still, I am convinced he would rather I did not know. And I do not know how to conceal this fact from him, _especially_ if I am 'running interference' as you suggest." 

"Who's running interference for whom?" 

They looked up, startled by the familiar voice that sounded so unfamiliar here. 

"Yo," Kakashi sat comfortably on the windowsill, doing a little wave, "I kinda wanted to talk to Shino without Neji around..." He slid of the windowsill, slipping inside without waiting for permission. 

"Actually," His tone turned more serious at this point, "I think I'm happy I dropped by before Sakura's little plan could turn into Shino's great disaster..." 

He walked over to the two, untangled now, and frowned when he noticed Shino take a step back, "Shino, what do you think I'm going to do to you?" He asked, hurt laced into his voice. 

"I do not believe you will do anything to me, Kakashi-sensei, however, I _am_ wondering how long you've been there, and how much have you actually heard." 

He gave the boy an easy smile, "Everything. I'd just arrived when you two walked in," Seeing the Aburame back away further, Kakashi frowned again. 

"Do you really think I'm mad at you, Shino? Do you think I didn't consider the fact that Sakura would most likely tell you?" 

Shino swallowed, "I did not consider that, no. And to be honest, if the roles were reversed and I were to be in your shoes at this time... I believe I might be fighting the urge to kill you right now, or at least hurt you..." 

" _Ouch_... You really are a very private person, aren't you, Shino? But..." The jounin smiled again, "I'm not going to kill you, nor do I feel like hurting you. I think by this point you've already suffered more than enough anyway. I just..." He ran a hand trough his silver mane, ruffling the already tousled locks, "I don't want you to protect me, Shino. Honestly, I don't need it and... Well it's not really your style, is it?" His tone got a little lighter at his last remark, seeing the humor in this whole situation. 

"It is not. However, Neji is already asking questions." 

Sakura had stayed quiet all this time, not wanting to interfere, and honestly, a little afraid herself. But she really _did_ feel like her sensei didn't grasp the importance of the situation, and, despite his words, felt a strong urge to _protect_ , "Kakashi-sensei, what if your secret comes out? You-" 

"Sakura," His voice was strict as he cut her off, " _Coming out_ is _exactly_ what I'm doing right now, and Neji doesn't scare me. So please," He sighted, "Don't baby me, all right? I just came here to ask Shino to act normal, and to let him know I harbor no ill will. It's going to be _fine._ " 

_Oh, if only I_ _ **felt**_ _as sure of this as I sounded..._

"Just fine. Now, we have a mission to complete, are you coming, Shino?"

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _I want to give the biggest shout-out_ _ **ever**_ _to Cherryflowerblossom for signing on to be my Beta for this story.  
Honestly, I could never put into words how happy you've made me ^.^  
Despite you being so busy, you still found the time to help me out and make this story even better! (Assuming the story itself is good enough, which kind of seems to be the case… I love you all so much for following, and favoriting and – most of all - Reviewing!) _


	44. Not Off To A Good Start

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay, little warning, this is only Beta'd by me. I wanted to upload for you guys, but Cherry didn't have the time to do beta on this, so I took her suggestions and tried to make the best of it. Please forgive me for any mistakes that I missed.

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

 **Chapter 44: Not Off To A Good Start**

XOXOX

As they walked up to the gate, an uneasy silence between them, they found Neji waiting.

"You're late," His words were not directed at the copy ninja, knowing the man would have been late anyway, but Shino's tardiness apparently annoyed the Hyuga. 

"I apologize for the delay," Shino gave the other a little nod, hoping it would suffice. 

It seemed to be enough, as the Hyuga turned to leave. 

Kakashi, quickly catching up to the younger man, placed a hand on his shoulder, "Wait a minute, Neji." 

As the younger man complied, he continued, "I realize I may not seem like myself right now, but I can assure you that it won't affect my ability to complete this mission." 

Neji did not turn to him, did not look at him as he grudgingly answered the silver-haired man, "I understand," Teeth clenched he waited for the hand to be lifted again, but Kakashi did not seem inclined to reluinquish his hold just yet. 

Gripping tighter for a moment, he pondered his options. He could either explain himself to the Hyuga - or not.  
The latter being the easiest route to take, all though it would also most likely entail the younger man watching him intently for the duration of their mission.  
Something he'd rather not experience. 

On the other hand, if he _were_ to come out to this boy, there really was no way of knowing what would happen next – something Kakashi didn't exactly care for either. 

He sighed, "Neji..." Dropping his hand from the younger's shoulder, he moved to shove both hands deep inside his pockets. Looking up at the sky, he started again, "If you want... I'll tell you," He spoke softly, still unsure if he'd made the right call or called forth his doom. 

"If _you_ wanted to, you'd have told me already," The Hyuga walked off, leaving Kakashi feeling – _what_ exactly? 

_He's not a kid anymore, like Shikamaru he's too smart for that. Like I was, too.  
And with all those brains comes the added bonus of social awkwardness... But I can't put my finger on it with Neji..._

He started walking too, quickly joined by Shino as the Aburame apparently decided he was going to walk next to him, "Are you going to run interferance?" 

"No, you were right. It is your decision to make, however..." He fell silent, and remained that way for several minutes. 

Kakashi made no move to pressure the other into continuing his sentence, knowing the boy was most likely pondering how to phrase whatever is was he had to say to him. 

Eventually, the Aburame sighed, an unusual gesture for him to make.  
The jounin looked over at him, wondering what could've caused the younger man to break his usual stoic demeanor. 

"Kakashi-sensei –" 

"Kakashi, just Kakashi's fine," he interupted, not feeling like a sensei at all. 

"Very well, Kakashi, I believe it unwise to speak with Neji about anything personal right now. He is undoubtebly annoyed at this time, and it wil cause him to react in a most unpleasant way. I've experienced this myself." 

Kakashi could feel his eyebrows moving to somewhere around his hairline, wondering what the boy had told the Hyuga while the other was annoyed, but he didn't ask.  
Privacy was a precious commodity after all. 

"I see... Still..." 

They walked on quietly after that, Neji somewhere ahead, but not so far off that they would lose sight of one another, the other two trailing behind caught in another awkward silence.  
Kakahsi hated this mission already... 

XOXOX

They'd stopped for lunch, finding a small meadow next to the path they'd been following.  
As each of them unpacked their respective food, Kakashi studied both his teammates. He would excuse himself shortly, never staying around so others could see his face while he ate.  
He knew the other two were aware of this, both of them having been on several missions with the silver-haired jounin already.  
As he closed his backpack, he stood, only to have his words cut off by Neji's soft tone. 

"Please stay." 

"Excuse me?" The jounin flustered, this hadn't happend to him in many, many years. 

"I _said_ , please stay," The younger didn't look up at him, instead moving to take a bite out of his onigiri. 

"Neji, I don't do that. You know I don't, so why do you ask me to stay all of the sudden?" 

Shino swallowed, feeling the awkwardness of the situation soar. This was not going to be a pleasant mission at all. If even _lunch_ proved to be this uncomfortable, how would he last for three more days on the road like this? 

"I ask you to stay, because I want you to stay," A pale finger gracefully wiped at the stray grain of rice lingering on his lips, before he moved to take another bite. 

"And why is that?" 

The hand containing the onigiri dropped, having never met thin lips again, "You told me you would explain if I wanted you to. I do." 

"Not over lunch, I won't. I'm _hungry,_ " He sounded exactly as baffled as he felt right now, not even attempting to hide it. 

"Then eat. I won't look. Would you look, Shino?" 

The Aburame swallowed again, feeling uneasy with the way this conversation was going, "I would not," He offered, shifting ever so slightly. 

Neji smiled, there wasn't any joy in his smile, though it _did_ look rather victorious.  
"Eat. Explain. Don't make me ask again." 

Slowly, Kakashi placed his bag back on the grass, feeling anger overcome his anxiety, "You are not the boss of me, Neji Hyuga," He said softly, but with a definate hint of the anger that was now coursing through his veins. 

The Hyuga simply smiled again, not saying a word as he took another bite from his onigiri. 

"I'll be back soon," Kakashi picked up his bag. Turning on his heels he dissapeared between the trees. 

"You should not have done that, Neji." 

There was but a little accusation in the Aburame's voice. He really didn't want to make the situation any worse, but he also felt bad for the retreating man. 

"He offered, I accepted, he left," Another grain of rice was elegantly removed, "The man is a coward," He sneered. 

"He is not," Shino responded, trying to focus on his own food. 

But that proved impossible as Neji suddenly got to his feet, following in the direction that Kakashi had left. "Neji," He frowned, "Please return." 

His call was ignored as the other kept walking, detemination in his step. 

Once Neji had passed the first trees, he called out, "Kakashi, where are you?"  
Startling as he heard a soft reply coming from immediatly above, "Here." 

Looking up, the Hyuga noted that the mask was being pulled up, averting his gaze for a moment to allow the other this little comfort.

When he heard feet touch down behind him, he turned around, "Explain yourself," He all but growled, "I'm not in the mood for your shenanigans."

Kakashi looked genuinly hurt, "It's not shenanigans, I was hungry..." 

"We told you we wouldn't look, making the excuse redundand," Neji sighted in obvious discomfort before adding, "I'm sorry, I'm not in the best of moods today. This mission... I don't want to go back there, but that actually isn't the real issue..." 

Kakashi hesitated but a moment, "Then what is?" 

A wry smile graced the younger's lips, "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." 

XOXOX 

Shikamaru lay face down on his bed. He really should be packing right now, but he didn't feel like it. 

_Ways to tell Gai, ways to tell Gai without getting him drunk... Ways to-  
Wait a minute! That could work!  
_

He pushed himself up, going over to his desk to check something.  
 _Yes, I was right. A moonless night... That could work...  
No wait, stupid idea. Just because they won't __**see**_ _each other won't make it any easier...  
Back to the drawingboard it is...  
_

_Maybe we could- No, that's stupid...  
Hmmm..._

XOXOX


	45. It Never Gets Any Easier

AUTHORS NOTE: Well people, there you have it; the reason for Neji's grumpiness.  
I'm sorry you had to wait for so long, it's really not me trying to keep the suspension up – okay, maybe a _little_. But things just kind of took a little longer, this time around. ^.^  
Sorry about that!  
Anyway, let me know what you think, reviews make me squeal like a fangirl!

XOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 45: It Never Gets Any Easier

XOXOX

' _I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours'  
_ Something in the Hyuga's voice annoyed Kakashi to no end, "Neji, be aware that this is not some playground squabble. I am no child and I will _not_ participate in childish games of truth or dare." 

"No dare, Kakashi, just the truth.  
Very well, then, I'll start.  
This morning, my cousin Hanabi came to speak with me. She confessed she had romantic feelings for me.  
I could not tell her I reciprocate these feelings as she is my uncle´s daughter.  
Your turn." 

Kakashi sighed. He might as well…

"A few days ago I broke down completely; I have been lying for my entire life, doing just about anything to cover up the fact that I lay with other men." 

"Alright, you win," Neji gave him a wry smile. 

"Not so _, I_ am not inclined to participate in an incestuous relationship." 

" _I_ did not break down." 

Kakashi put one finger up, "Yet." 

As both man looked at each other, they smiled, before doubling back to their third team member.

XOXOX

Gai was disappointed. They'd _finally_ convinced Lady Hokage to send them out on a mission together, and it had turned out to be a nightmare. 

And now, the old members of 'Team Gai' had been scattered around again. Neji was leaving on a mission with Kakashi today, Tenten had left yesterday, to lead team on another escort mission- she'd been pretty pissed about that one- and Lee… 

Lee was still in Konoha, for the time being at least. Right now, the boy that was as close as a son to him was standing in the mission room, accepting his scroll for another mission. 

Gai sighted, he was feeling lonely today. This wasn't a feeling that overcame the enthusiastic jounin often, but somehow, today, with all the added nostalgia… He almost felt like crying.  
He wouldn't, though. Even Gai had his boundaries. 

And crying over something silly like this was… _Silly_.  
So he just continued his push-ups, he would have to do another two hundred just for feeling sentimental. 

XOXOX

At the same time, Shizune was gazing upon a chuunin bearing a striking resemblance to the jounin on the training grounds.  
However, she hardly paid any attention to Lady Tsunade as the latter explained the details of the mission to the squad before her. 

_He's gay… It's_ _ **not**_ _that he never noticed me- he even noticed too much- he's just… not interested. Because I'm a woman. Somehow, this doesn't feel fair.  
All those years on the road together, I was always looking out for __**her**_ _, never for me. And then she finally settles down, and I thought I could do the same. But then the_ _ **one**_ _guy I like, the_ _ **one guy**_ _… He's gay.  
It doesn't seem fair at all…  
_

"Shizune!" This was the third time Tsunade called her name, she was getting a little frustrated with her pupils distracted air, "Give them the mission scroll." 

"Oh, right! Here it is, Kotetsu. All the information's in here." 

Izumo cleared his throat, "Uhm, Lady Tsunade just explained everything… We just need to sign our names…" 

"I-I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little distracted, today…" 

_I'm slipping, this isn't good. Lady Tsunade is angry with me for it. And now even these three saw just how out of it I am…  
I need to pull myself together, but… __**Kakashi**_ _…. Oh, I love him…_

XOXOX 

Kotetsu tried his best to not let his uneasiness show too much.  
Something was going on with the Hokage's assistant today, but it wasn't like it was any of _his_ business anyway.  
He just wanted to get out of here, ASAP. 

Going out on another mission with Izumo made him feel so happy he thought he might just start jumping up and down from sheer joy- but that wouldn't be very professional, now would it?  
So he did his best to walk calmly beside his best friend as they exited the office, containing his excitement over this was probably the hardest thing he'd done in weeks. 

"So, we're finally getting out again, huh, Izumo?" 

"Yeah man, can't wait! Gate duty is cool and all, but…" 

"Yeah, I know, man. I've been bored lately…" 

"Definitely… Hanging with you is cool, though." 

Izumo gave his friend a brief smile, it really _was_ fun being on gate duty with Kotetsu. But as time dragged on… Sometimes he just needed a little excitement is all. And this delivery mission was just the thing. 

Lee, however, was _not_ the right kind of exciting.  
The kid was literally jumping around, shouting. The brunette shook his head, this was going to be a long one, no matter how short it might be. 

As the spandex-clad chuunin split of to go grab his gear, the two friends walked home in a comfortable silence. They lived next door from each other, never wanting to be far apart.  
And it gave Kotetsu the added bonus of a laundry maid, as Izumo would always wash both of their uniforms. His friend just couldn't be bothered to put on a clean one every day otherwise. 

"Oy, Iz, I was wondering… Didn't Kakashi seem a bit off to you, yesterday?" 

"Kinda… But the guy is always off. There's nothing 'on' about 'm…" 

"Still…." 

"Not our business, 'Tetsu. Just let the guy be, he'll be fine." 

Kotetsu frowned, "I guess… "

XOXOX

When his teammates returned, Shino found himself relieved. It would seem they had not had an _aggressive_ argument at least. 

"Welcome back." 

"Thank you," Kakashi flashed him an eye-crinkle. Or, more likely, a smile. 

"Can I assume the situation has been resolved, then?" 

Neji went to pick up his bag, "Yes, Shino. It has. Shall we resume our journey?" 

The others agreed, and as they set out once more, the mood had definitely improved.  
No longer walking up front, Neji had joined the others. There was little conversation, and what talk there was, mostly regarded the mission at hand. 

Kakashi had asked Neji to describe his previous mission, which the other had done. And Shino had asked Kakashi for some more detailed information regarding civilian surveillance tactics, which the jounin had explained to him. 

Now, as nightfall approached, they started looking for a place to set camp, as the nearest lodging was at least another three hours ahead. 

It was Neji who detected the clearing, his byakugan came in handy on many different occasions.  
The three walked over, through the dense forest. 

"You're right, this is perfect," Kakashi smiled at his comrade, not wanting to break the still slightly awkward peace between them. 

As Neji thanked him and began to roll out his sleeping bag, Shino asked who would be cooking. It was a delicate question for the Aburame, since he was not a fan of strong flavors, something most of his colleagues couldn't seem to understand. 

"Why don't you? You're the most sensitive when it comes to food, right?" Kakashi said, easily slipping the responsibility for dinner unto the young man, "I'll go grab some firewood." 

When the silver-haired man had left, Neji turned to his remaining teammate, 

"You knew, right? Why Kakashi was acting so different today." 

"I did," Shino conceded carefully, not knowing how much the other knew. 

"Why didn't anyone in the village know he collapsed?" Neji asked pointedly, looking the other straight in the eye. 

"I do not pretend to know that, Neji. However, it might be because this is a sensitive subject. I _do_ suggest that you direct further enquiries about the subject towards Kakashi himself." 

Neji frowned, not sure if the Aburame had just tried to offend him, or if it was simply the way he spoke, "When did you hear about it?" 

"Not long before you did," Shino had started chopping the vegetables he'd brought along, hoping Neji would stop his queries. 

"Do you know why he collapsed?" Neji seemed intent on continuing this conversation, whether Shino wanted to or not. 

"I do." 

"Who else knows?" 

"I am uncertain, why? This is Kakashi's private life. It has nothing to do with either of us." 

Suddenly, the topic of their conversation appeared in front of Shino, dropping off a load of firewood, and some mushrooms he'd come across. 

"Shino has a point, Neji. If you have questions, ask _me_ about it. You should never put your comrades in a position where they have to choose." 

He smiled to take some of the sting out of his words before starting to build up the fire. 

"Besides, Shino doesn't even know, so it's kind of a wasted effort anyway." 

Neji seemed to ponder this for a while, before moving to sit across from Kakashi's busy form. 

"Very well then, I shall ask you. Who knows?" 

"And why again was it that that was any of your business?" Kakashi didn't look up, but his voice sounded slightly annoyed, "I could ask you the same thing, by the way." 

"I only told you. Who did you tell?" 

The silver-haired jounin stepped back to admire his work, seemingly uninterested in the conversation. Pretending he didn't feel Neji's stare.  
After a few long moments, he spoke up. 

"Shikamaru, Iruka, Tsunade, you. That's who I _told_. If you're asking me who _knows_ …  
Shikamaru, Shikaku, Iruka, Tsunade, Shizune, Shino, Sakura, you. Not necessarily in that order, though. And now I ask you again, what's it to you?" 

"Mere curiosity," The Hyuga had a smirk on his face, to Kakashi, it felt like something wasn't adding up. 

"Why do you care?" He crossed his arms before his chest, questioning if it had been his doom he chose after all. 

"You haven't told Gai yet." 

"I keep missing him. I'll talk to him when we get back." 

"After you get him drunk. Is that how you treat your friends, Kakashi?" 

He sounded like anger was starting to bubble up, and suddenly, this whole thing made sense to the older man. 

_He's looking out for his old sensei… I should have seen that one coming, I guess.  
Neji doesn't do curious. Not without a good reason. So, he's afraid I'm gonna hurt Gai, then.  
_

"The details of the plan are still a bit sketchy. I'll admit that getting him drunk might not be the best course of action, I was a feeling a little desperate when I proposed that," He sighed. 

"Neji, this whole situation is scary for me, do you understand that? Gai is one of my oldest friends, and someone I trust implicitly. _However_ , Gai is also a man with a one-track mind. And he has _very_ clear ideas about what is right, and what is wrong.  
I guess… I guess I'm just a little afraid that I'm going to end up on the 'wrong' side of that spectrum." 

The three remained silent for a few minutes. 

To Shino, hearing that Kakashi had broken down and seeing the aftereffects of that fact were two completely different things entirely. It was unnerving, really. 

Usually, the man was so calm, so composed. This little outburst had bordered on desperation, and Shino could feel himself start to worry about his comrade once more.  
Kakashi may have _said_ that he would be fine, but he sure didn't _look_ it now. 

As for Neji, the older man's insecurity had sparked something inside him as well. Only it wasn't worry, it was annoyance. Irritation. 

_How dare he, how dare he stand there and talk about Gai like that?! Like the man is some kind of one-dimensional beast. He was my sensei! He is my friend- well, something like that at least.  
How dare this man proclaim that Gai is someone to be afraid of? How dare he say that my old sensei is intolerant?  
_ _ **This**_ _is intolerable!  
_

"Kakashi!" The anger in the Hyuga's voice made the older man take a step back, "You do not have the right to call Gai intolerant. Nor do you have the right to call him narrow-minded –" 

"I'm not, though. You misinterpreted," Kakashi spoke softly as he cut the other off, "And it's not even about that. I'm just scared. I've been hiding for a very long time, after all. If I never felt like I could tell anyone before, why should I feel safe doing so now?" 

"Did you not tell several people already? Did you not tell _me_ in a calm voice? You're lying." 

"No, I'm not. I was shaking back there; I was shaking every time I told someone, every time someone figured me out. I've even considered going into hiding for a short while. And so far, I have yet to make the conscious decision to tell _anyone_. It was all a spur of the moment sort of thing.  
You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, just don't look at me like that. And stop calling me a liar, that hurts. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk about something else, anything else really." 

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _If you're just as happy about this chapter going up as I am… Give some love to Cherryflowerblossoms for being an AMAZING beta, who does so much more than a simple spell-check._


	46. Doubts And Insecurities

AUTHORS NOTE: This is actually just so… _Cute_. Or at least I thought so… I was just doing the final proofread before giving this to you guys, and I couldn't stop smiling. So, tell me what you think, okay? Did you have a smile on your face too?

XOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 46: Doubts And Insecurities

XOXOX

"I was shaking back there, I was shaking every time I told someone, every time someone figured me out. I've even considered going into hiding for a short while. And so far, I have yet to make the conscious decision to tell _anyone_. It was all a spur of the moment sort of thing.  
You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, just don't look at me like that. And stop calling me a liar, that hurts. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk about something else, anything else really." 

They hadn't spoken of it since. Instead focusing on the journey, and the mission at hand.  
It was an uncomfortable silence, and Shino would give anything to be able to talk to Sakura right now.  
Anything.  
Honestly, _anything_. 

XOXOX

Sakura Haruno was holed up in the library, had been ever since Shino had left.  
Lady Tsunade had _indeed_ scolded her for neglecting her studies, though not too bad. The blonde had assumed it was her worry for Kakashi-sensei that kept her from focusing, and the girl hadn't corrected her.  
Not that she felt comfortable lying to her master, but the truth was so much _more_ uncomfortable. 

_I could never tell Lady Tsunade about Shino, I just couldn't.  
Just the thought of how embarrassed he looked when Iruka-sensei found out… All though that may have been because of his… Situation… At the time…  
Either way, I don't want Lady Tsunade butting into my love life, or lack thereof.  
_

_I wonder how it would actually_ _ **feel**_ _to be in love, that thing I had for Sasuke doesn't count, I guess.  
I kind of wonder if Kakashi-sensei has ever been in love... It's even more complicated for him than it is for me, isn't it? I really can't believe I thought it was disgusting at first…_

_Love is love, after all, right? I should probably go tell him that when he gets back, that I'm not grossed out anymore. But… What if that hurts him even more? Maybe he doesn't want to be reminded of the things I said before. Oh ,what should I do?  
_

_I wish Shino was here, he always knows what to do. And I can talk to him about anything, Shino is really something else…  
_

"Hello Sakura, busy with your studies?" 

"Oh, hello, Iruka-sensei! Actually… I was but then I sort of got lost in thought…" 

"What's on your mind?" The chuunin took a seat next to her, all kind and attentive and suddenly she didn't care if Shino wasn't here. Well, she cared, but… Iruka-sensei would do. 

"I was… Thinking about Kakashi-sensei, I guess. I kind of realized that I'm not grossed out anymore… I think I just needed to wrap my head around it first" 

"I'm glad to hear that, I really am," Iruka smiled at the girl.  
 _She's come a long way, huh?  
_

Returning the smile, Sakura thought about it for a moment, "Yeah, me too, actually. But then I started thinking again. About that I would actually like to let him know that, but I wasn't sure if he'd want to talk about it again. I mean, I really _did_ hurt him a lot, so…" 

Iruka leaned back in the chair, thoughtfully crossing his arms across his chest. 

"I think he would love to hear it, to be honest. Yes, it will probably hurt him a little to hear you _were_ disgusted at first, but… He really cares a lot about you, Sakura. I think hearing you say that you can completely accept this part of him too would help him a lot." 

"Do you really think so, Iruka-sensei? That I could help him?" 

The brunette smiled, "Yes, I do. Does that sound weird to you, Sakura?" 

"A little, I guess…" 

"A sensei learns just as much from his students as they learn from him, did you know that?  
Besides, Kakashi may be walking around again, even going on a mission… He's not totally fine just yet, Sakura. He really isn't fine at all, from what I can tell. 

It's just that he heals better If he has something to do, I think that's why Lady Hokage let him go.  
And I realize that she wouldn't let him take a mission if she didn't feel confident he could handle it, but I doubt she knows the man like I do.  
Trust me, Sakura, he's going to _want_ to hear what you have to say." 

He smiled at her, reaching out his hand to softly brush the tears from her cheeks.  
She sobbed quietly for a few minutes, before she managed to gather herself again. 

"I care about Kakashi-sensei, too… I never meant to hurt him, but I'm going to make it up to him, right?" 

"I'm sure of it." 

She seemed to hesitate for a moment, something else on her mind. 

"Hey… Iruka-sensei? Can I ask you something else?" 

"Sure, what's on your mind?" 

"I was just… You know how Shino confessed to me, right? And I rejected him?" 

"Yes…" 

_What's_ _ **this**_ _about, then? Is she having second thoughts about it? That would be quite the couple… Stoic Shino and strong-willed Sakura…_  
 _But I sure don't hope she's about to ask me for love advice…  
_

"Well… It kind of made me realize… I don't think I've ever been in love…" 

_Oh boy…_

XOXOX

Shikamaru trotted after his teammates, not bothering to pay attention to them or his surroundings, they were still in the Land of Fire, after all. And he had other things on his mind. 

_He's too scared to talk to the guy up front about it, like I did with Choji. Now okay, that was terrifying for me too, so I can't really blame Kakashi for being afraid, I suppose.  
Even though he seems to be so okay about it, he's not. I can't go forgetting that…  
_

_I'd much rather just tell him to talk it out with Gai, like I did with Choji, like we talked to my dad together, like he told Iruka-sensei – no wait, that wasn't a good example…  
Kakashi and Iruka-sensei both agreed that that talk was far from perfect. And I don't want to see my friend breaking down again just so he can tell his rival about his sexual orientation. That would be turning things the wrong way around.  
_

_So what would be turning things the right way?  
It's not getting him drunk, I know that much. And a direct conversation seems to be out.  
A letter, maybe? Like…  
_

_Hey Gai,  
There is something I need to tell you but I feel anxious to do so.  
That's why I decided to write you this letter. I want you to know that I'm gay.  
I've been hiding it from everyone for a long time, but I finally feel like I should be able to come out now.  
I hope you don't hate me now,  
Kakashi_

 _Yeah right!_

 __Shikamaru almost burst out laughing, the note he'd written in his head sounded ridiculous, even to him. Still, the idea itself could work…

 _We'd have to work on the wording a bit more, of course… But if he really is too scared to talk to Gai-sensei in person, then I don't really see another way.  
It may sound a bit too chicken, though, and if the guy is so rigid about what a man is supposed to be, it __**could**_ _actually backfire…  
_

XOXOX 

"Sakura… What exactly do you want from me…?" 

"I'm not sure… I just… What do you think?" 

Iruka cocked his head, worrying the inside of his lip, "About what?" 

"I think… Shino?" 

"What do I think about Shino Aburame?" Disbelief was dripping off the older man's voice, he _really_ could not believe he was having this conversation right now. 

"I guess?" 

"You guess? Sakura… I don't… You know what? How about we get out of here? I'm still not sure what exactly you want from me, but this is a library, not a tea house. So I think we should find ourselves one of those."

XOXOX

So they'd found themselves a tea house.

"Okay, now Sakura, tell me what's on your mind. I'm not sure if I'll be able to help you, but… I can try." 

"Thank you, sensei," She let out a quaky sigh, "I'm not sure how to say it, though… And it's… Kind of embarrassing, I guess?  
But I'll try to be as clear as possible…  
When Shino… He didn't _say_ he was in love with me… He asked if I liked him.  
And I said yes, at first, until I realized he wasn't talking about friendly liking. Then I said… Well, nothing, really.  
We were just sitting on that bench… And my mind was going a million miles a minute and I didn't even realize that so much time had passed and suddenly it was dark and Shino said… He said… 'You do not'… That's what he said… And he sounded so _sad_ , sensei!

He told me to keep the hoodie, because he didn't need it, I think that's when it sank in for me… That he really meant it, I mean. That he likes me.  
But I couldn't even process that, because all of the sudden Kakashi-sensei showed up.  
And after that I kept thinking about _him_ , about how I'd hurt _him_ , and that he was kissing other men, and how _wrong_ that was… But I think I never actually thought it was wrong, or dirty, or disgusting…  
I was just… Upset. About something else, and I took it out on Kakashi-sensei.  
And I think that's what hurt the most… 

But I couldn't focus on Shino and what he'd said before everything was sorted out with Kakashi-sensei… And now I feel like I've let it drag on for too long… 

I never meant to hurt Shino… Or to make him feel uncomfortable around me… I guess… He makes me feel safe, you know?" 

Iruka had just been listening to the girls monologue, secretly relieved that she didn't seem to expect a reply from him.  
Apparently she just needed someone to vent to, so she could sort through whatever feelings she had out loud. And that was fine by him, he _really_ wasn't the most suitable person to ask love advice from, anyway. But now, it seemed, she _did_ want him to reply. And he didn't know what to say… 

"Have you been thinking about this the whole time?" He managed, hoping the girl would start ranting again, and leave him out of it. 

"I suppose so… But I still don't _know_ , Iruka-sensei… I'm not even sure how I would _feel_ if I liked him, so I don't know if I do. How do I _know_ , sensei?" 

He decided he would just be honest, come what may.  
There was no way he was going to get through this on vague wordplay, anyway… 

"I'm not sure, Sakura. I… I may be the grown-up here, but… I don't know…" 

"You don't?" She asked hesitantly, Sakura was slowly starting to understand the man's problem, and why he had hesitated so much to talk to her about this. 

He offered her a shy smile, "I don't. I mean… I guess I've had a crush or two, but… I've never actually been in love, Sakura. I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this…" 

"No, _I'm_ sorry, Iruka-sensei… I never should have asked… " 

He shrugged uncomfortably, "It's not that… It's only natural that you would assume I would know more about it. I'm twenty-five year old guy, right? But no, I've never had a girlfriend in my life…" 

He worried the inside of his lip again, feeling a little ashamed of the admission. He couldn't bear to look up at Sakura, even though he could feel her eyes burning. It was just embarrassing, really.  
Here he was, a twenty-five year old, and he had yet to have his first date, his first kiss, his first- 

_No, don't go there. Not right now at least, you can mourn your wasted youth later, Iruka Umino…  
Right now, you got to keep your head in the game, here. Sakura doesn't need to see __**you**_ _cry as well, seeing Kakashi in shambles was traumatizing enough for her.  
Kakashi… Maybe he's on the right track, after all… Guys… What would that be like? I wonder…  
_

"Iruka-sensei?" She'd seen he was getting lost in his own thoughts, and all though she didn't really want to disturb that, Sakura was also worried about the look on her old sensei's face.  
So she spoke softly, hoping she wouldn't startle the man. 

That failed… 

"Yes?! Sakura? Sorry…" He'd all but jumped up, but slouched back into his chair now, "I didn't mean to worry you… It's kind of pathetic how all the adults seem to be falling apart all of the sudden, eh?" 

"No, It's not pathetic… And I don't think you're falling apart, Iruka-sensei… Are you?" 

He tried to comfort her with a little smile, but he could feel it didn't come out the way he'd planned.  
"No, Sakura… I'm not really falling apart, just a little… Sad, I guess," He said honestly. 

"I'm not even sure if I should be telling you any of this, I mean, aren't I supposed to be the adult here?" 

"Sensei," She shook her head a little, "I don't mind. You can talk to me, and I'll talk to you, and then _maybe_ we can figure this whole thing out together…" 

He almost smirked, but it was mostly relief, "Sounds good."


	47. Personal Issues Exposed

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm really getting into Iruka here, I'm having so much fun with him! I never thought I would, he always seemed a bit too straightforward to me to just have fun with it. But… Yeah, I just keep passing embarrassment around like cupcakes lol 

Thank you for favoriting; Gray Maka, INTJENP, Koira96, Sleuthe, Cherryflowerblossoms, Letsrandom321, Lotisflower5, Shadowrealm11, Xmcycles. 

And thank you for following; Alice Ladeux, Animepop31, Jeannetic, Koira96, Mijakicalnight, Sleuthe, Cherryflowerblossoms, Jaz101, Letsrandom321, Lotisflower5, Lunahawk. 

Wow! What a list! It makes me feel so happy ^.^

XOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 47: Personal Issues Exposed

XOXOX

When they finally arrived at the address, the three shinobi hadn't talked to each other for almost two days. It had been an incredibly uneasy silence. The only spoke when absolutely necessary. 

_Maybe I really wasn't ready yet. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard. Maybe Tsunade was right.  
Maybe I shouldn't have become a shinobi at all…  
I'm clearly not cut out for this whole 'keep your feelings in check' thing this world holds so dear…  
I'm so sorry, Shikamaru, I'm not as strong as you think. I can't even do the simplest things anymore.  
I can't even function. I'm useless. I'm a monster. I hurt them.  
_

_**No!**_ _Stop that! Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to do any good. It's useless to think about these things, and besides, it's only because I'm a little down right now.  
Okay, maybe more than a little, but still.  
_

_That talk I had with Tsunade really helped, though. Both of them. Even though it's incredibly awkward, and I can't even believe I'm talking about stuff like that, but… It helps. She was right. This therapy thing might work out, after all.  
I honestly wish I could talk to her right now… Huh, I never thought I'd ever think something like that.  
_

_Then again, I never thought I'd tell anyone, either. But the list just keeps getting longer…  
Telling Neji may have been a mistake, though… At least… Telling him before I told Gai…  
_

"Kakashi." 

"Hmmm? What is it, Neji?" 

"I just said, it's late. We might be better off getting a room for the night and presenting ourselves to the client in the morning. I seem to remember the lord saying something about usually going to bed early, so it may be unwise to disturb him at this hour." 

"That's fine, know a good place to stay around here?" 

"The inn we stayed at last time was quite acceptable." 

"Then lead the way." 

XOXOX

After a late dinner, they retreated to their room. Shino seemed inclined to go straight to bed, but Kakashi had something on his mind he would like to share first. So he cautiously spoke up. 

"Shino, are you tired?" 

The Aburame straightened himself, looking the older man in the eye as he spoke, "Not particularly, however, it would seem that the atmosphere between us would not call for small talk." 

"There is something I want to talk about, if that's all right with the both of you…" The copy ninja said softly. He felt anxious, but tried not to let it show. 

Neji's face was cold, as was his voice, "Is this about the mission, Kakashi?" 

"Not particularly, though it could potentially affect it…" 

"So you're basically telling us you can't go through with this after all," The Hyuga sneered. 

"Not so, I want to talk to you because I _do_ want to go on, and because I _can_ go on. However… It's not exactly going to smoothly right now. I wanted to address that issue." 

"The issue being…?" Shino asked hesitantly, not knowing which of them the older man was talking about. 

Kakashi seemed to understand his apprehension, there was only a slight pause before he replied, "All of them."

XOXOX

They'd gathered in a little circle, Shino had been attentive enough to get the three some tea, not that Kakashi could actually _drink_ any, but still… 

"You said you wanted to talk, Kakashi," Neji reminded him. His tone had softened a bit, all though he still sounded far from friendly. 

"I did. I do. I… Don't really know where to start, though. Give me a minute…  
Neji, I realize I must have offended you when I spoke about telling Gai. I honestly didn't mean to, I just… I didn't lie, I'm scared. I'm not ashamed to admit that. Gai's or anyone's personality aside… I never know how to go about it. You actually made it a little easier for me, by calling me out on it the way you did, but I guess that's also because… Well, I hardly even know you.  
I'm still thinking about it, though. I hope I'll figure it out before I get back home.  
And if I don't… There's someone else I could talk to about it… Someone who's been… Helping me.  
So please, Neji, will you give me a little time? A chance to talk to my old friend myself?" 

The young Hyuga swallowed, he had never expected this heartfelt plea. And he didn't know how to react to it. He nodded. He would allow the man time, though not forever. 

"Thank you. That means a lot to me, Neji.  
Also, I know it's late, but I wanted to apologize for what happened on our first day out.  
I overreacted, and I never should have taken it out on you two." 

"I myself have already forgiven you, Kakashi-sensei." 

The jounin chuckled, "Didn't I tell you to stop calling me 'sensei' , Shino?" 

"You did, I'm sorry." 

"I am sorry, too," Neji added, "I only served to increase your burden. And had no right to even ask you about it, let alone push you the way I did. Please accept my apologies, both of you." 

They did, adding that apologies weren't necessary, even though, in Kakashi's case at least, the apology was highly appreciated. 

"I also feel like I should apologize for the atmosphere, as Shino called it just now-" 

"We're all responsible for that," Neji cut in, no longer trying to distance himself from the conversation. 

"Meaning, I am at least responsible for thirty-three percent of it, probably more…" 

"Kakashi," Neji smirked, "Don't flatter yourself. Thirty-three percent, at the _most_. After all, you were lost in your thoughts most of the time. And I'm sorry, too." 

"Neji is right, and it did not seem like those were very happy thoughts, either. I am also sorry for contributing to the discomfort we have been experiencing for the last couple of days." 

The copy ninja smiled at his two younger comrades. He had been right to bring it up the ambience already felt a _lot_ better. 

"Thank you. And I suppose you both are right, I _have_ been a little pre-occupied lately…  
I'm sorry for not paying attention. I should have tried harder.  
It's true, though. I wasn't exactly in a happy place these last few days. I guess this whole thing got to me even more than I thought it did…  
Thank you for allowing me the time." 

After a few more minutes, they decided to go to bed after all.  
Somehow their talk had been exhausting, and they needed to be up bright and early tomorrow to officially start their mission.

XOXOX

Izumo frowned.  
"Does that kid _ever_ run out of energy?" 

"Don't think so… I mean, he's been running this whole time, going back and forth between us and whatever landmark he can determine up ahead. I doubt he even knows what the word tired _means_ …" 

Just as Kotetsu said it, Lee appeared on the horizon again, running at full speed.  
He made his way back to his comrades, and, after a quick 'hello my youthful friends!' ran away again.  
He was driving the two friends insane. 

"So… 'Tetsu… I've been thinking…" 

"Bout what?"

"What you said about Kakashi before we left… He looked pretty rattled, didn't he?" 

"Definitely… Shino too, though. And Neji wasn't exactly looking his best either. Think those guys are all right out there?" 

"Suppose so… They weren't heading out of the Land of Fire, right?" 

"No… Oy, Iz?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"The moron is coming back again…"

XOXOX

 _I honestly never thought the girl would ever embarrass me that much…  
_ Iruka mused as he put the kettle on.  
It had been a couple of days since he'd found Sakura in the library, and they had 'the talk', as he had been referring to it ever since. 

_I don't even know why I told her… I guess I've never actually_ _ **told**_ _anyone I've never had a girlfriend before. The guys probably know, since they've known me forever, but… I don't think I've ever really said it out loud.  
_

_And then I go blabbing about that to one of my old students, to a girl. A girl who's trying to figure out if she has feelings for Shino Aburame…  
Shino… I can see what he sees in her, though. Apart from Sakura being so scary of course. She's really learned a lot from Lady Hokage. A little too much, if you ask me…  
And Shino… Shino's a good guy, too.  
Heh, I guess I ship it…  
_

_But… I still have that other thing to figure out, don't I?  
But I __**do**_ _find girls attractive, they just never see_ _ **me**_ _as a potential partner… What am I lacking? I'm a nice guy, right? Or do they all want the bad boys? Sakura doesn't seem to want that… She genuinely seems interested in Shino. Then again… She_ _ **was**_ _hung up on Sasuke for a long time.  
He's pretty much the definition of a bad boy, now at least.  
_

_Hinata is still head over heels for Naruto, that's not a bad boy… And Ino…? She liked Sasuke too, right? But she doesn't seem so interested anymore… Girl's basically on the hunt. So no, I don't think she likes Sasuke anymore…  
_

_But that doesn't help_ _ **me**_ _, now does it?  
Let's see… Is there someone that __**I**_ _like…? I guess Hinata's grown up pretty well…  
_

He smirked, _I taught that girl! What the hell?!  
I guess Shizune isn't that bad… But 'not that bad' isn't exactly what I call a declaration of love… Or even lust…  
_

He bit his lip, looking over at the magazine Shino'd admired a couple days ago.  
Iruka had cleaned up his apartment since then, but somehow that one magazine always wound up close to his bed, _Wonder why…_ He thought wryly. 

_That's a_ _ **woman**_ _though… Nice curves, pretty face… Quiet.  
At least __**she**_ _never nags, she's just… Around.  
Porn magazines… The eternal virgin's best friend…  
_

Iruka sighted, pouring his tea. 

_I'm feeling pretty pathetic… Disappointed in myself, too. Maybe I should go out sometime… Not that I feel like going alone… Normally I'd ask Kakashi with, but in light of recent revelations… Let's not.  
_

His cheeks were burning at this point, but he was alone anyway, so it didn't matter.  
Until someone knocked on his door, that was.  
Iruka quickly splashed some cold water on his face, hoping it would eliminate the color on his cheeks before he opened the door. 

"Hey, Iruka-sensei" 

"Sakura! What brings you here?" _And why?  
_

"I… Are you busy, sensei?" 

_No, I was just having pity-party, that's all…_ "Not really… Do you want to come in?" 

He only asked because the girl was trying to peek over his shoulder, almost as if she was looking to see if he was alone. 

"Thanks, sensei!" 

She happily brushed past him, leaving Iruka stunned. _Whatever happened to the sweet, quiet Sakura? The one that was always so well-behaved? I miss her…  
_

After he closed the door, he followed the girl in, "I was just making some tea, would you-" 

The brunette fell silent as he caught sight of the girl standing in the middle of his room. She seemed frozen in place, staring at… Yes, the same magazine Shino had not-so-discretely studied just a little while ago. Sakura's cheeks were even redder than Shino's had been at the time.  
Iruka swallowed hard. 

"Eh… Look, Sakura… I can explain…" 

"It's alright, sensei," She quickly turned her back to the half-naked woman on the cover, "Did you say tea? Tea sounds _lovely._ " 

"Right, just a minute…" Stepping behind her, he swiftly picked up the magazine, tossing it under the covers on his bed before walking over to get her a cup of tea. 

When he'd brought both cups over, Iruka found Sakura sitting at his low table, comfortably flipping the pages of- _No,_ _ **not**_ _that_ _ **blasted**_ _magazine again!_

"Sakura… Would you please put that back? It's… A little uncomfortable…" 

"Why? I'm just looking…" 

"Sakura…" 

"This is the one that Shino was looking at too, right?" 

She looked so innocent. As if she had no idea what she had come across. Iruka fought the urge to yank the thing away from her. 

"Yes… Look, Sakura, _please_ -" 

"So is this what guys like?" 

She was pointing, actually _pointing_ at the girl on the cover. Iruka swallowed again. 

"Eh… Some of us?" 

She chuckled, "I think Kakashi-sensei wouldn't be too interested, right?" 

"I… guess not," Iruka replied weakly. This was just so wrong… 

"All tough…" Sakura said thoughtfully, "He might… Look, there's guys in here, too" 

She was pointing again, Iruka could feel his cheeks burning. She was right, of course, but that _wasn't_ why he'd purchased the magazine. 

"Sakura… I didn't… I mean… It's just…" 

She flashed him a naughty smile, "Oh, you hardly ever open it, I can tell. It's an old one, right? The date's right here. But you never open it, so this girl must have something… Iruka-sensei, why do you like her so much?" 

The man groaned, this was not supposed to be happening to him.  
This was _absolutely_ not supposed to be happening to him… _  
_

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Iruka… Shame on you… xD  
_

_And thank you again for your amazing Beta skills, Cherryflowerblossoms! ^.^_


	48. The Importance Of Communication

AUTHORS NOTE: On a side note – lol, couldn't help myself… I've started another story called… *drumroll* _Side notes to Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives._ Yes, I did. It's a collection of drabbles that consist of moment that you may or may not have felt like you missed in this story. If you can't find it yet, try checking back later today or tomorrow or something. It _will_ go live ASAP, I promise you! 

It was actually prompted by Cherry, as when she did her Beta on this, she asked me to write out Tsunade and Shizune's little fantasy. I believe she asked for a one-shot, but… Yeah, go big or go home, right? 

So far, there are only two drabbles, I'll be adding to them whenever I feel like it. They're not in any particular order, though, so you'll have to pay attention to the title and author's note a little – _Wait!_ You _didn't_ already?! Shame on you… 

Anyway, I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^ 

Now, on with the _main_ story, again; 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 48: The Importance Of Communication

XOXOX

Tsunade was pacing, waiting for her assistant to return.  
Shizune had left to make tea, avoiding being alone with the Hokage like she'd done for days now.  
Ever since that little incident about the mission scroll for Izumo, Kotetsu and Lee. 

The blonde had a pretty good idea what was going on, and honestly, she didn't mind too much if Shizune was distracted because of a broken heart. All though she _did_ feel bad for her friend having her heart broken in the first place.  
She just wanted to talk to her, hear how her friend was holding up. And see if there was anything she could do for her. 

But Shizune made a point of not being alone with her, and if that was unavoidable, she would only talk about work, dodging any and all questions that weren't related to the topic at hand. 

Tsunade sighed. 

XOXOX

"So you three are the Leaf's experts on surveillance?" 

The man before them looked almost royal. The way he was positioned on the large cushion on the elevated floor reminding them of a kind of throne, furthering the image. His robes were obviously expensive, but didn't look tacky, and his posture was befitting of a king. 

"Yes, sir. We are. I am Kakashi Hatake, and my two companions are Neji Hyuga and Shino Aburame. If your house is under any sort of observation, we will detect it and determine the culprit." 

"Good, that's good to hear, young man," The man coughed. It seemed to go on and on, and started to sound increasingly dreadful.  
When he finally straightened himself again, Lord Makai continued. 

"As you can clearly see, I am not well. In fact, I am dying.  
I have made my peace with that. However, it seems that there are relatives of mine who would seek to hasten my demise.  
You see, I have a will in place. It states that the one to stand by me in my final moments will receive this estate, and the title that comes with it. Since I do not have an heir, I believed this to be –" 

He started coughing again, hacking away the minutes as the three shinobi waited. 

After what seemed like a long time, the Lord caught his breath once more. 

"I believe I have already met the young Hyuga when my cousin decided to come and live with me. I am certain he is not so much concerned with my welfare as he is with my wealth.  
And that's not the only vulture around. I need you to rid my house of all of them. And do it quickly. Before I die." 

XOXOX

Kotetsu was standing in front of the door to his best friend's room. He'd intended to knock, but his hand simply wouldn't connect to the wood.  
They were four days out, and had decided to spent the night at an inn, simply because they could. 

After dinner, Lee had run off to train some more. Not that the older man understood why, the kid had been running the entire way here, doubling back every time.  
 _He must have a_ _ **lot**_ _of mileage on those legs of his…_

But that had nothing to do with Kotetsu coming to see his friend, right now.  
Izumo had said that he wanted to be alone for a little while, a request the two friends always respected. But when Kotetsu had sat down in his own room, intending to give his weapons a good scrub, his pant button had flown across the room. 

If he sewed it back himself, the man knew it would only be a matter of days before it fell off again. Izumo was always a lot better at the domestic stuff, so he'd opted to bring his pants over, thinking his friend was probably reading or something like that. 

But it didn't _sound_ like Izumo was reading… _  
_

XOXOX

"Shizune! Good, close the door, please." 

"Lady Tsunade… Is something wrong?" The woman sounded hesitant. 

"Not _wrong_ ," She offered a smile, "I just wanted to talk; it's been so long" 

"I… Sure," Shizune put the cups down, leaning slightly against the desk, "So… What do you want to talk about…?" There was a hint of fear in her voice, but she knew she'd have to deal with this at _some_ point, might as well be now. 

"I noticed you've been off your game, lately… Is it Kakashi?" 

"Wow… Straight to the point, Lady Tsunade? No small talk?" 

The blonde smiled at her, picking up her own teacup, "I'm just a little worried, I guess. You're my friend, Shizune, and it hurts to see you hurting all alone…" 

The younger woman nodded, "I know… Yes, it's about him…  
I just… I've had a crush on him since the first time I saw him, when you first signed on as Hokage.  
I knew he was too young for me, and I thought he'd probably have a girlfriend already. I mean…  
Anyway… When it turned out he didn't… " 

"I know," Tsunade spoke softly, "I never noticed you had a thing for him, though… Why didn't you say something?" 

"Because he's too young, because it's embarrassing, because you…" Her voice trailed off. 

"Wait, is this about Don?" 

"Maybe… I don't know. It just felt wrong rubbing it in your face…" 

Tsunade put her cup back down, turning to look the woman who'd been with her through so much in the eyes, "I wouldn't have minded, Shizune…" 

The younger woman looked away, feeling self-conscious. A light blush crept over her face, "I'm sorry, I just didn't want to make it harder on you…" 

"It's fine, Shizune… But, are you okay with it, though? With Kakashi?" 

The raven head bowed down as Shizune chuckled, "Him being gay? It's actually pretty funny, when I think about it! He's this big charmer, and I don't think there's even _one_ woman in the entire village who didn't consider him for a moment, at least. And then he turns around and says he's not interested. It kind of hurts, though…" She added softly. 

Tsunade offered her a warm smile, she felt for her friend. 

"He really _is_ a regular Don Juan, isn't he?" 

"Pretty much… When he sent me out… I…" 

"I know, right? _I_ felt my knees buckle, and he wasn't even talking to _me!_ " 

Shizune's blush deepened even more, but she didn't try to hide it from her best friend – not that she even _could_. 

"I think that guy has the sexiest voice I've ever heard… And he uses that to pick up guys! I'd just _love_ to see him put the moves on some huge guy, you know?" She laughed. 

"Definitely!" Tsunade joined in, "We should set him up with someone! Oh, wait…" 

"You're his therapist, right?" 

"Yeah… So… I can't –" 

"I know, it's fun to think about, though…" 

"Not too painful?" The blonde inquired. 

"A little, but mostly it's just so _damn_ _funny_! I'm _so_ imagining Ibiki right now!" 

The two woman burst into laughter, the thought of the lean, carefree Kakashi chatting up big, grumpy Ibiki was almost too much. 

XOXOX

"Where do we start, Kakashi?" Neji asked. 

They were standing out in the flower garden, all of them needing to feel the breath of fresh air after their conversation with the client. 

"I thought we'd start with your byakugan. Just look around the premises a little. In the meantime, Shino can send his Kekaichu out to investigate the surrounding area. I will look around some too. I thought I'd start with the roof, see if there are any signs of this surveillance to be found up there." 

Shino nodded, and Neji activated his byakugan, scouring the walls around them. 

As the insects scattered, Neji turned around full circle.  
"I do not detect anything within the surrounding walls. However, this is merely the flower garden." 

"That's true. Shino, you do whatever it is you do to keep track of those little critters of yours. Neji, just walk around some. I trust you to formulate your own plan to check every little nook and crevice. If anyone needs me, I'll be up on the roof." 

The copy ninja crouched for the high jump, but was interrupted by the Hyuga. 

"Kakashi, please inform us if you feel yourself slipping. I'm glad we talked last night, but this mission comes first." 

"I know," He offered a small smile, "Thanks." 

He jumped, concentrating fully on the mission now. Pulling up his hitai'ite as soon as his feet landed on red roof tiles. The mission came first. He could talk to Tsunade later.

XOXOX

"Ko… _Ah…Ngh…._ Aaah… _Tetsu!..._ Ah.. hu… Tetsu…"


	49. Unusual Situations

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This may not be the most action-packed chapter I've ever written, but still…  
I will most likely upload the next one tomorrow, so don't you worry your pretty little heads.  
Also, a little reminder, I've also uploaded another chapter to the side notes, making the grand total of drabbles there… five? I think… Anyway, go check it out, tell me what you think, tell me if there's another moment you feel like you've missed. 

Oh, and if it's not clear… Shika's thinking… Somethimes there's a part written _– like this. –_ Yeah… He has conversations with himself. Shika's hearing voices! Just kidding, he's not going crazy… Yet… Lol, I make _no_ promises for the future, hehe…. 

Thanks again to Cherry, without whom my Beta would be… A _lot_ worse, trust me! 

On with the story;

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 49: Unusual Situations And Awkward Reflections

XOXOX

Shikamaru almost laughed out loud. This was just _too_ funny. 

_So we get sent out to find the kidnapped heir to this huge fishing company, and then we find him… At his wedding. I'm seriously considering just walking away, here…  
It's kind of sad, though. He had to run away to get married to the woman he loves because his father is too concerned with the welfare of his precious company to even care about his son's happiness.  
_

_Still… This is funny.  
_

Kiba, to his right, simply couldn't stop laughing. While Hinata, on the other side of Kiba was fidgeting again. 

Shikamaru realized that someone was supposed to act responsible here, but he couldn't be bothered. Instead, he just looked at the guy standing before them, his arm wrapped tightly around his new bride.  
He looked positively scared, the thought of being dragged away from his love and back to his father's corporation clear on his face. 

Again, Shikamaru couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. 

"Are you going to take Ichirou away from me?" The woman's voice was trembling in fear as she clung to her new husband. 

"Neh…" Shikamaru acted on instinct, not caring whether or not this was what he was supposed to say, it was the _right_ thing to do, "But we'll have to take him back. I don't mind another tag-along. And as far as I'm concerned… " 

"Yes?" Ichirou urged. 

Kiba grinned wide, "You two are married, right? You're stuck with each other now." 

The woman- Shikamaru really couldn't be bothered to remember her name- started crying.  
"We are. We're together now, my love!" 

Shikamaru sighted, he just wanted to go home. 

XOXOX

"That's the last of it." 

Kakashi threw another small device on the pile before Lord Makai. 

"So they _were_ spying on me!" The older man fumed, "It wasn't my imagination! They were _spying_ on me!" 

His fit of anger turned into a coughing fit, and the three shinobi waited it out – _again_. 

"Did you find the responsible idiots, yet?" He'd caught his breath again, his angry eyes lingering on the jounin that seemed to be in charge. 

Kakashi swallowed. He knew this anger wasn't directed at _him_ , but he still felt ill at ease. 

"We know who they are," He offered carefully. 

"How many of them?!" Lord Makai raised his voice again, startling the silver-haired man before him. 

Neji, seeing his team leader's discomfort, stepped in, "The different tactics used here, and also the way they were placed, suggested several people had been keeping your home under strict surveillance. We have determined that there were seven sources." 

" _Seven?!"_ He was yelling at this point, leaping to his feet, "I want them brought to me, _**now**_!" 

"We will arrange that." 

XOXOX

Shikamaru was bored. The hunt for ideas on how to tell Gai was proving to be impossible, as he didn't have enough information, and this mission was a drag. 

_All I want is to get home, at this point… See if Kakashi's back yet, how he's doing.  
I miss him.  
Is that normal? Do I miss Choji?  
_

_A little… I miss Kakashi more, though.  
Is that weird? We __**did**_ _practically live together for a few days…  
It felt so easy, I never thought I'd be that comfortable in someone else's place. But I felt welcome there, even more so than I do over at Choji's. But that could just be because Choji's folks are there, too. It's not just him and me, and besides, it's not really __**his**_ _place, anyway.  
But Kakashi's place is his alone. Which is why it's tiny.  
_

He smiled to himself. 

_I don't think I've ever seen a place as small as his. But even when there were two of us, it never felt too small.  
It's so easy being around the guy. Does he think the same about me?  
Or was I cramping his style back there?  
_

_Not that he ever_ _ **said**_ _anything… Still, he could've just been trying not to hurt me. He does that.  
Or maybe it felt cramped to him but he didn't want to be alone so he put up with it.  
_

_Why do I care about that stuff so much, anyway?  
He's doing better now, right?  
Even got himself a therapist… It's kinda hard to imagine Tsunade as a therapist, though. Even if I saw it with my own eyes.  
_

_I hope she can help him. Because I think I've reached about the end of it. I mean, we're friends and all, but… I can't help him If he breaks again. I could hardly keep up with the aftereffects of that.  
_

_And I don't want to not feel safe around him anymore…  
_

_Safe?! Yeah… Not like he'd hurt me or anything, but… Safe. Secure.  
Like, I can talk about everything with the guy.  
_

_-Like maybe…?-  
No, too embarrassing, even between us.  
_

_-But there's no-one else to ask, right?-  
He wouldn't make fun of me…  
But I just can't. Just __**can't**_ _!_

_Anyway, I just hope he's doing okay right now.  
He didn't look so happy when he left… Though that could've just been because of Gai…  
I should really come up with ideas about that, but every time I think about it, my mind comes up empty._

 _And I'm supposed to be a genius, a strategist.  
I suck.  
Well, I haven't yet… Like to, though…  
Wait, was I just thinking about sucking dicks again? What the hell, man!  
_

_I was_ _ **supposed**_ _to help out my friend, here. Not get lost in fantasies…  
They're __**good**_ _fantasies, though…  
Embarrassing ones, but good…  
_

The Nara unconsciously licked his lips. 

_To think that not too long ago I was fantasizing about tying up Asuma with my shadows…  
Wondering if I should talk dirty to him or not.  
But I don't even really care about that anymore. It's weird, but…  
_

_After I told the guy, it sorta… faded.  
I still don't understand it, but it happened anyway. Maybe it's because of how he reacted, but actually I'm not sure. Maybe it was just because I never told him before. Like clearing the air. It's still weird to me, though. I guess I thought I'd always be in love with him. Especially after all those years, when the feelings only became stronger.  
_

_I'll always have a soft spot for the guy, I think so, anyway.  
But now, even if I try to imagine what I thought about back then… Tying him up, talking dirty… It __**sounds**_ _dirty now. I don't want to think about Asuma like that anymore.  
It feels… wrong.  
_

_But then, who_ _ **would**_ _I like to do that to?  
Neh, no shadows… If I'm doing this, I want it to be because we both want to. I don't want to force Kakashi into anything- __**Woah! Kakashi?!**_ _  
Did I_ _ **really**_ _just think about fucking_ _ **Kakashi**_ _?!  
_

_Oh my god! That's gross!  
_

_-No it's not-  
_

_Shut up.  
_

_-Why should I? Why_ _ **not**_ _fuck Kakashi?-  
_

_Seriously? Shut up!  
_

_-He's hot, though…-  
_

_He's got that mask, so you don't even know…  
_

_-You could get rid of that, you know-  
_

_Zip it!  
_

_-No-  
_

_I_ _ **don't**_ _want to_ _ **think**_ _about it!  
_

_-But you do. You did. You_ _ **want**_ _to fuck Kakashi-  
_

_No, I don't. I just want to fuck_ _ **someone**_ _. I want to know how it feels…_


	50. Marital Discussions

AUTHORS NOTE: Chapter 50! YAY! Thank you to all of you who take the time to read this story, I know there's plenty of you out there. I just kinda wish my readers were a little more inclined to review, though… *sigh* 

Anyway, this is just a bit of a side-step from the current arc, but I felt like I needed to put this in here anyway. I hope you guys agree, and if not… Well, I suppose that's not really my problem anyway xD

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 50: Marital Discussions

XOXOX

"I still don't understand why he didn't want to talk to me about it though…" 

The knife violently came down on a poor, innocent carrot. 

"You're his mother…" 

"Yes, I am! Which is _why_ I don't understand! I can sort of see why he'd talk to you _first_ , but…" 

Her husband stepped behind her, wrapping his arms around her and stilling the attack on the veggies. 

"You're feeling left out?" 

She sighed, "Yes… He knows I know about it now, and still…" 

"He's probably still a little afraid, dear. He knows how much you've always wanted him to give you a grandchild." 

"That's not even important right now!" She wrestled herself free, launching another assault at what others might call 'dinner'. 

"He's always over at _his_ place! And when I tried to ask him about it, he basically told me to fuck off!" 

Behind her, eyebrows were raised, "Shikamaru told you to fuck off?" 

"Not directly, no… But…" 

"They're just friends, though. Close friends, but that's all." 

"Does Kakashi know about it, that's what I've been wondering…" 

Shikaku worried the inside of his lip. It wouldn't do to out Kakashi to someone else, even if that someone was his wife. It might even worry her more. But he'd never been good at keeping things from her, and didn't feel like facing Yoshino's wrath once she found out that he did. 

"He knows…" 

The woman stayed silent for a while, brutally chopping the vegetables before throwing them in the pot. Turning around, she faced her husband, hands on her hips. 

"So, Kakashi is gay, too. Is that what you've been keeping from me?" 

Shikaku slowly raised his hands in a defeated gesture, but couldn't admit to it, knowing the younger man entrusted him with a secret that was more important to him than life itself. 

"Dear…" 

"That's why the poor man was crying in our kitchen…" She spoke softly, recalling the pain the younger man had emitted that night. 

"Dear… I can't…" 

She frowned again, piercing the man she loved with a mean stare, "You dare say _one_ more word, Shikaku Nara, _one more word…_ " 

She'd unconsciously pointed the sharp knife at her husband, quickly placing it on the counter behind her when she realized. She softened her tone somewhat when she spoke again. 

"Shikaku, he entrusted you with a secret, right? Don't talk about it. Not to me or anyone. Even if I understand now… But… Let me say one thing…" 

She bit her lip, hoping her husband wouldn't see her as a crazy person for even considering the possibility, "I think… Shikamaru is in love with him…"

XOXOX

Choji was trying to focus on training, but it was hard. He was working with Asuma-sensei today, and he kept thinking about Shikamaru. About how his friend would lie alone at night, thinking about this man. 

Choji wasn't blind, he could definitely see why. Asuma-sensei looked good, amazing even, maybe.  
Not that it was something that the young Akimichi could get into, but he understood well enough. 

"Choji, you're still leaning too much to the left. Try and keep a straight line when you're attacking." 

The instructions were almost lost on the young man as his mind tripped on the word 'straight'. 

_Poor Shikamaru… Asuma-sensei could never return his feelings, could he? I wonder if he plans on ever telling the him that he's in love with him…  
_

"Choji! Let's try again, shall we?" 

"Oh, right, I'm sorry Asuma-sensei. I guess I spaced out a little…" 

"It's fine, kid. Let's just get back to training now, alright?"

XOXOX

Shikaku swallowed, pushing his hands in his trouser pockets. He slowly walked back over to the table, setting himself down in the closest chair. 

"I think you're right…" 

"Do we do something about it?" 

His wife came over too, choosing the chair opposite her husband. 

Shikaku chuckled, "Like what? Tell him he can't see the guy anymore? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Kakashi's a good guy, he wouldn't take advantage of a teenager." 

"I know. I was more worried about my son getting his heart broken…" 

"Too late," The man sighed, "I'm pretty sure that's already happened." 

"Kakashi rejected him and they still hang out?" 

"Not Kakashi. Some other guy. I wasn't allowed to ask, apparently." 

She cocked her head, "But you know who it is…" 

"Yeah…" 

"If I ask, am I going to regret it?" 

"No. But I will. Because I can't tell you."

XOXOX

"That was much better, Choji! Great work." 

"Thank you, Asuma-sensei. I hit it right on the mark, didn't I?" 

The Akimichi went over to examine the tree they'd used as a training dummy.  
There was only a broken stump left now. 

"I dunno, Choj… Kinda hard to tell when the target's gone…" The jounin teased, before asking if his younger teammate was up for some barbeque to celebrate. 

XOXOX

"So it's someone I wouldn't approve of, is that what you're saying?" 

Shikaku smiled weakly, "Dear, is there anyone you _would_ approve of?" 

She sighed, leaning back in her chair to think about his question. 

"Not really… But, I _might_ be willing to accept his boyfriend if he truly makes my son happy.  
Gosh that sounds weird, though… 'Boyfriend'… " 

"It is what it is…" 

"I know. I'm just not completely used to it yet… What about you?" 

Shikaku stretched his arms, thinking on his wife's counter question. 

"I guess… I'm a little easier on the kid," He smiled at her, "I don't really care who he chooses, all though I'll probably beat the crap out of him if he ever hurts my son." 

"That'll happen anyway," His wife pointed out, "You've hurt me and I've hurt you. It's what happens over the years, even if you try not to." 

"You're right… Fine, I'll only kill him if he _means_ to hurt him."

She gave him an evil grin, "Oh Shikaku, I _love_ it when you get all protective and talk about murder in the same sentence." 

He grinned back, before moving around the table to swoop her up.  
Dinner could wait.  
They were headed to the bedroom first.

XOXOX


	51. Thinking Of You

AUTHORS NOTE: I admit it's a bit of a short one, but… I dunno, it just felt right like this.  
Thank you so much, Jaz, for reviewing the last chapter. And you're right: You'll just have to wait :P  
But Shikaku really _was_ kinda cute, eh? I didn't actually even see it until you pointed it out, but… Awww… 

Anyway, back to the arc at hand, back to both Shikamaru _and_ Kakashi, enjoy! 

-xxx-  
Nerissi

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 51: Thinking Of You

XOXOX

It hadn't been a conscious decision on Kakashi's part, but somehow Neji and Shino were the ones to retrieve the seven relatives that had been spying on Lord Makai.  
He was left behind, dealing with an enraged forty-year-old man that simply couldn't stop coughing. The copy ninja almost wished the man would just kill over already… 

He sat on his knees, nodding every now and then. Sometimes offering a verbal reply, but mostly, Kakashi was lost in his own thoughts. 

_Gai… Tell Gai…  
Tell Gai I'm gay…  
I wonder what Shikamaru's come up with so far.  
I wonder how he's doing, too…  
He seems to have bounced back from that whole 'Asuma incident' pretty well, even managed to talk it out with the guy, I'm pretty proud of him.  
_

He nodded along with something Lord Makai was saying, not really bothering to pay too much attention to the man. 

_If you hate this situation so much, then why did you put that clause in your will in the first place? You could've just picked a successor and none of this would have happened…  
_

_Shikamaru… What are you up to now? Found your missing person yet?  
Probably not… He might be gone for weeks, leaving me all alone again…  
I shouldn't think like that. Didn't Neji make that perfectly clear when he asked me to tell them if I went into depression again? It was a harsh question, but the kid __**does**_ _have a point…  
Still, Neji is not a kid I want to think about right now…  
_

_Shikamaru… Where are you now?  
I worry, you know. I worry about your welfare, about your state of mind in all this.  
I worry that we won't be as close when we both get back…  
_

_Those few days… Did you know how good it felt to finally not be all alone in that apartment? Did you know that I take missions so I won't be alone there? Have I ever told you how happy I am that you stayed with me? How safe you made me feel?  
Did you know that I can't remember the last time I laughed so much? That even though my place is so small it never felt too small, even with the two of us?  
_

_I miss you, did you know_ _ **that**_ _?  
I've never had a friend like you before, Shikamaru. I've never had someone I can just completely be myself around…  
_

XOXOX

"Choji, care to tell me why you've been so distracted, lately?" 

Asuma was worried about his young charge, the last couple of days the Akimichi had been messing up at training, wandering through the village with a dazed look in his eyes and for some reason he seemed to keep staring at _him._  
The jounin was sure that this silent plea for help needed to be answered, but he wasn't completely sure how to go about it. 

Usually he would count on Shikamaru to comfort his best friend, to talk to the guy.  
But Shikamaru was away on a mission right now, and Asuma would be damned if he let his responsibilities to 'his' team slip. 

"I'm not distracted…" 

_Sure you are…_ "Choji… It's kind of obvious. Will you please tell me what's wrong?" 

"It's not… Wrong… I mean, it's…" 

"You can tell me." 

"I actually don't think I can, sensei…" 

"Why not?" 

"Because it's about something that someone else told me and I keep thinking about it, but… It really doesn't have anything to do with me…" 

"Choji, you're a kind soul, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But you always take on everyone else's troubles, too. I sometimes wish you wouldn't…" 

"I know, I'm sorry, sensei…" 

Asuma chuckled, "It's not your fault. People should stop taking advantage of your sweet character, too." 

"Shikamaru isn't taking advantage of me… He's just, well he's my best friend, sensei." 

A small frown appeared on the jounin's face, "Is Shikamaru in some kind of trouble, Choji?" There was worry in his tone, the boy had given him a fright. 

"No, I don't think so. It's just… He, uh, he is kind of in a precarious position, I guess…" 

Now _this_ was even scarier. Asuma tried his very best to keep his voice even, to keep his face, his posture in check. 

_Was I still too harsh on him? Did he go away on that mission to get away from me? I apologized, but given the circumstances… That probably wasn't enough.  
I was planning on going over, play some Shogi, talk some more, but then he left already. Was that because of me?  
Is he depressed now? Is that what Choji is talking about?  
_

"What kind of position, Choji? Is there something we could do to help him?" 

The boy snorted, "No." 

"I'd like to help him if I can," Asuma pushed, his worry for his friend outweighing everything else, "Do you know what's bothering him?" 

_Not that he'd likely_ _ **tell**_ _the kid anything, but maybe I can figure out the hints with the extra information I have…  
_

"Yeah… But…" 

"Choji, please, tell me what you know, all right? I want to help him, too." 

"But sensei…" The kid sounded so hesitant, making Asuma wonder if he hadn't been on the wrong track. 

"Please tell me, Choji," He urged. 

"Shikamaru… There… There is someone that he likes, but it's impossible, so… He's kind of sad about that." 

It felt like Asuma's insides curled themselves into one big knot.  
 _ **I**_ _did that to him… He's sad because of_ _ **me.**_ _I_ _ **knew**_ _an apology wouldn't cut it!  
Poor kid, it's not even his fault. __**I'm**_ _the jerk here.  
Asshole-Asuma, that's me. Poor Shikamaru…  
Wait, how much did he –  
_

"Choji, how much do you actually know about it…?" 

"More than I said, less than I'd like." 

"Did he tell you… Who it was?" 

Choji stayed quiet for a long time, and Asuma almost wanted to _shake_ the answer out of him.  
Outwardly calm, the jounin was freaking out inside. 

"Yes…" He'd said it softly, like he didn't even want to admit it. 

_He doesn't know that I know! Choji doesn't know that Shikamaru told me already!  
Should I…?  
_

Asuma Sarutobi took a deep breath, plunging in with both feet. 

"I know, too. He told me a while ago and I was a complete and utter asshole to him," He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, "Even though we've sort of talked it out… I… I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated Shikamaru…" _  
_

XOXOX

Kakashi hadn't been so happy to go back home ever since Naruto and Sasuke had learned to _somewhat_ work together. But right now, he almost ran, almost danced, almost started singing.  
He was so happy to be on his way back, he didn't even think about all the things that had gone wrong these past few days.  
He could only think about going home. 

_First thing I'm gonna do is check the list to see if Shikamaru is back, yet.  
Then I'm gonna go talk to Tsunade about continuing this therapy thing – she was right, it's helping.  
I'm not even scared to think about being lonely anymore. Because I'm not. I'm not lonely anymore.  
I have Shikamaru and Iruka. I have Tsunade too, I suppose. I'm not alone anymore.  
And I know I'll deal with Gai, I just will. _


	52. Home At Last

AUTHORS NOTE: This is the start of the new arc, the arc I've been wanting to start uploading for _so_ long… The arc where my happiness lies – well that might be a little exaggerated, but still… 

Unfortunately, over here, the holidays are starting. Which means that, basically, I won't be able to upload as fast for a few weeks. Not that I _won't_ upload, just a little slower. I'm sorry, but you will just have to deal with that fact, as do I. Honestly guys, if I could skip all the upcoming responsibilities and just focus on writing, I would. I _so_ would. But I can't. It's a family thing. 

So, this arc, I've silently dubbed the 'Mushy mushy arc'. Let's see what you make of that name… Lol.  
It's literally _overflowing_ with cliffhangers, which I love, and you will most likely not love me _for_. Especially since my upload pace will most likely slow down. 

Anyway, I will do my best. Cherry has the rest of the chapters right now, so I can't tell you when I'll get them back, and when I'll upload again. I _can_ tell you that, starting about right now, my computer time will be limited. I _will_ try to upload, both here and my other stories, but… Yeah the thing is… I also kind of like leaving you all with cliffhangers – I'm a tease, deal with it. So in a way, me not being able to upload as much is – for me at least – kind of funny. 

Don't let that deter you from reviewing though! A _lot_ of things will be happening in this upcoming arc, and I'd _love_ to hear what you think about that. 

Anyway, this was another really long author's note, so I'll stop talking now, and get you started on the new arc, Mushy mushy here we come! 

-xxx-  
Nerissi

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 52: Home At Last

XOXOX

Kakashi sighed as he finally opened the door to his apartment. The man was exhausted.  
 _I just need a little peace and quiet now. I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. Then I'll go and talk to Tsunade and see if she'd be willing to have another sit-down with me.  
She'll probably be so surprised, she'll come running…  
_

He was startled out of his thoughts when a voice called out from his bedroom. 

"Welcome home." 

Rushing over, he found Shikamaru sitting in his spot against the desk. 

"What are _you_ doing here? No, wait, how did you get _in_?" 

"Do you mind?" The boy suddenly looked lost. 

"Not really, He let himself drop on the bed, "Just surprised… Is something wrong?" _  
Please let nothing be wrong, I just got back…  
_

"Not really… My mom was nagging me again about if there are any guys that I like, and dad was just grinning the whole time and… I just had to get out of there. Choji's away right now, so I hung with Iruka-sensei for a while, but he had work to do so I asked him for the key to your place.  
I just needed some time alone anyway, but it was pouring outside, so…To be fair, he didn't really want to give it to me… I kind of pushed him into it. So if you're gonna get mad about it, get mad at me, okay?" 

Kakashi smiled, leaning back and resting his tired head against the wall, "It's fine, Shikamaru… I should probably get you your own key by now, anyway. I'm just really tired, is all." 

"You okay? Did those guys give you a hard time?" 

There was worry in his young friend's voice, a concern that felt so good to hear. It meant that someone actually _cared_ about him…  
Still, he couldn't hold back a chuckle, "A little, we talked it out, though. I just… I dunno, it's not like it was such hard work, or that we hurried so much but I feel completely drained right now…  
I'm even too tired to get off my ass and make dinner, even though I haven't eaten anything since yesterday's lunch…" 

Shikamaru smiled at him, "I'd make you something, but the cupboards are all empty…" 

"Yeah… I forgot to get groceries. There was so much going on at the same time" 

The Nara stayed silent for a little while, apparently thinking about something. Kakashi didn't mind, he was completely comfortable right now. And he could feel his energy levels slowly rising, the calming presence of his friend was certainly beneficial to that. 

"Kakashi, how about I take you out for dinner? There's that place down the street from here, it has privacy curtains so you don't have to worry about someone seeing you." 

One eyebrow quirked, "You'd take me to _dinner_?" Kakashi asked, amused. 

"Yeah, sort of my way of saying 'sorry for barging in, thank you for not kicking me out', you know…" 

"I'd _never_ kick you out, Shikamaru…" It didn't even surprise the copy ninja anymore how much he meant those words, "Very well then, you've got yourself a date. Just let me take a quick shower first." 

He'd half expected the boy to blush at the mention of the word 'date' and the implied subtleties, but the Nara just smirked, raising one eyebrow, "A shower before our first date, sounds appropriate," He stated, before he burst out laughing.  
Kakashi soon joined him, feeling the stress of the mission dissipate.

XOXOX

Dinner was tasty, conversation good, company _amazing_.  
Kakashi was surprised how quickly he'd forgotten exactly _how_ amazing Shikamaru's company was. It felt easy, and the conversation flowed effortlessly. 

"Seriously, though… _He wasn't kidnapped_ – he was just getting married," Shikamaru laughed again, picking up a piece of meat with his chopsticks. 

"So, the mission was a success?" Kakashi already knew the answer, there was only one option given the parameters of this specific mission, but he knew Shikamaru would _love_ to tell him what he thought of those parameters… 

"Hell _no_! I don't get it, I mean, we find the guy, right?" He shoved another bite into his mouth, barely chewing before he continued, "We _find_ him. Only he's not _bloody kidnapped!_ He's getting _married_ …" 

Another bite disappeared between the Nara's lips, and he smirked. 

"So we drag the poor girl with us, too, you know, since they're _married_ and all…  
Seriously… She was nice enough, didn't even look half bad. If _my_ son came home with a girl like that, I'd probably be _happy_. But _this_ guy… _Aaargh!_ He's such a total jerkface!"

"The married guy?" Kakashi smiled, it felt pretty safe knowing his friend wouldn't even _try_ to catch a glimpse of his face. He could just relax, chat with him, not _worry_ so much…

"No man… His dad… Stupid, donkey fucking _shit_ eater that he is… Know what he said? What he _actually_ had the _nerve_ to tell us?!"

"Tell me," His smile was perfectly audible, Shikamaru was back to creative swearing again – and Kakashi was the original instigator. That was fun. 

"Told us to take the ugly chick with us! Seriously though… I thought Hinata was gonna cry for sure! Poor thing thought the _fuckin' dickhead_ was talking about _her_ … _Man_ , I would like to punch that guy…" 

"Please tell me you broke his nose?" The jounin chuckled, "Broken noses aren't a pretty sight…" 

"Neh… Didn't touch the guy. Actually had to hold Kiba back, thought he was gonna _kill_ the guy… Akamaru too. But no, then we get home, right?" 

Chopsticks reached for another bite, Kakashi made sure to grab it, making his friend chuckle before they picked out something else. 

"So we get here, mission accomplished, right? _Wrong!_ Guy wasn't _kidnapped._ Man, I thought that was a _good_ thing! But no, apparently him getting married wasn't part of our mission. Shitfaced rug eater Tsunade thought we didn't need to get paid, either. For cryin' out loud! I was stuck with that blabbering woman for days! Kept crying and she clung to her guy so bad I thought she was gonna break his arm, and after all that, the bitch says _mission failed!"  
_

Kakashi chuckled, "Feel better?" 

"Yeah… Thanks man." 

"No worries," He pulled his mask back up, finished eating. 

He could tell that Shikamaru recognized the sound, as the younger man looked up.  
The Nara studied his friend for a moment, before asking him about his own mission. 

Kakashi sighed, not sure how to explain everything that'd happened. 

"Neji knows…" 

"Neji knows? Knows wha- You told _Neji_?!" 

"You want the full story, or are you going to swear some more? I like your swearing…" Kakashi flashed him a smile. 

"How about I swear later, I _really_ wanna know what the hell drove you to trust _that_ guy…" 

XOXOX

When they left the restaurant, Shikamaru almost bumped into something green. He immediately proceeded to cover his ears as the greenness bellowed, "My eternal rival! You have made it back safely from your mission! Let's have a challenge to determine which of us is the greatest, most youthful ninja in Konoha!" 

Kakashi flinched for a moment, but he recollected himself before Gai could notice anything.  
He could feel Shikamaru looking at him helplessly, the kid obviously hadn't counted on the possibility of running into Gai – _literally.  
_

He whispered, "Relax kid, I figured it out."

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _A little thank you for all the people following and favoriting this story; I'm not even going to name every one of you, because the list has gotten so_ _ **long**_ _!  
_

_But seriously, thank you so much! Makes my day, every time another names joins the list, makes me squeal too! And_ _ **reviews**_ _people, reviews make me squeal even_ _ **harder**_ _! Much to the dismay of my family… :P So, if you happen to feel like annoying some random people you've never met over the holidays, leave me a review. If you feel like making me happy over the holidays, leave me a review. If you feel like there's anything you have to say, leave me a review. Seriously… I think I might be fishing here… *blush* Oh well… It's been so quiet the last few chapters, so…_


	53. This Is Challenging

AUTHORS NOTE: Gai is one of the hardest people to capture! For me, at least… So I… Tweaked him a little, let me know what you think of my views on Maito Gai! 

Anyway, my Beta seems to be incredibly busy right now, I am too, but I still want to upload this. So… here's another chapter without Cherry's amazing Beta skills. I hope you'll forgive me -.-" 

I also wanted to upload, because apparently, the last update coaxed a lurker out of hiding! Which I think is fucking great!  
Fuzzy, honestly, I kinda dislike that you haven't registered for the site, because if you had, I would've definitely thanked you in person the moment I saw your review, but now you had to wait until I got bored of waiting for Beta'd chapters xD 

Anyway, thank you so much for following this story, this of course goes for all of you, but… Yeah… Fuzzy finally talked to me, so… I was jumping up and down squealing people, I am _so_ not kidding.  
Yeah, reviews, lurkers coming out of hiding, this is the stuff that pulls me away from the dark winter days. Which is a good thing, because they're influencing my writing, which you won't even notice for a while, since I always write in advance. So that just means there's hurt to come, but hey, what else is new?

Anyway, I'll do my best on the Beta myself for now, so I can at least upload this chappy, hope you guys like my take on Maito Gai and how Kakashi tells him! (Yay! I'm finishing a cliffhanger!)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 53: This Is Challenging

XOXOX

Kakashi flinched for a moment, but he recollected himself before Gai could notice anything.  
He could feel Shikamaru looking at him helplessly, the kid obviously hadn't counted on the possibility of running into Gai – _literally.  
_

He whispered, "Relax kid, I figured it out," Before turning to his oldest friend, "Alright, but _I_ pick the challenge." 

"No rock-paper-scissors!" 

Kakashi smiled, "I actually had something else in mind… We go back inside here, order a drink –" 

"Ah! A drinking contest!" 

"No, no, we find a booth with a privacy curtain –" 

"Of course! How youthful it is of my rival to remain elusively mysterious as ever!" 

He smiled again, hanging out with Gai was a taxing sort of fun, "Thank you, Gai. Means the world to me, really does. Now as for the challenge…  
We both tell the other something about ourselves we think the other didn't know, and whoever says something the other didn't know, wins." 

Gai was practically jumping up and down at his proposal, really, it wasn't like he never came up with good challenges or something, right? _Right_?! Okay, _maybe_ …  
Kakashi had to resist the urge to wrap his arm around his younger friend, he could feel that Shikamaru was nervous. The Nara had of course figured out the entire plan by now, and was obviously playing the scenarios in his head. Only he didn't know Gai well enough to do that…  
 _That's gotta be frustrating for him…_ Kakashi smiled again, he was having _fun_. 

"What a _wonderfully youthful_ idea, Kakashi! We will face off against each other with our best kept secrets! I accept this challenge! But… What happens if we both come up with something the other didn't know?" 

Kakashi shrugged, "If it's a tie either way, best secret wins. Shikamaru decides." 

XOXOX

So they'd sat down in the exact same booth he and Kakashi had occupied mere minutes ago. Shikamaru was dreading this, his friend's plan _seemed_ sound, but somehow he couldn't escape the notion that this was a disaster just waiting to happen. Still... If this was how Kakashi wanted to tell Gai, he wouldn't stand in his way. It even worked out for _him_ , this way, if everything went as smoothly as Kakashi seemed to think it would, the Nara wouldn't have to come out to Gai at all. Which was sort of a comforting thought. The _only_ comforting thought... 

"So, my rival," Kakashi smiled, "What drink would you like to drown your defeat in?" 

"I will not be defeated to easily, I must warn you!" The spandex clad jounin held up one finger, "The power of youth has given me a secret that you will _never_ figure out on your own." 

Shikamaru smiled to himself, it seemed that, once indoors and hidden away behind the privacy curtain, Gai calmed down a little. Maybe this was intentional, to keep other patrons from listening in, but somehow he didn't really believe that. This man seemed to be full of surprises. He was startled out of his musings by a gentle nudge from his silver-haired friend. 

"He's not exactly what you've come to expect, right?" 

Looking over at the third man, Shikamaru softly shook his head, no this was _definitely_ not what he'd come to expect from Maito Gai.  
The jounin was leaning back casually, calmly ordering his drink. He seemed relaxed, and most of all he was _completely calm_. Catching his confused look, the man winked at him. 

"Did you really think I could have been friends with Kakashi for as long as I have if I didn't know how to tone it down?" 

"Actually..." Shikamaru hesitated for but a moment, "I don't think I've _ever_ figured out how you two guys got along..." 

This earned him an honest laugh from both jounin. 

"Gai and I go way back, Shikamaru. It's only makes sense that we would have found some middle ground _somewhere_ along the line, right Gai?" 

"Most definitely, Kakashi!" The Green Beast of the Leaf gave them a thumbs up, before calming down again, "Actually, I've always liked the quiet moments as well as the intensity," He said thoughtfully. 

"So you two are seriously telling me that the entire village has this thing backwards?" An incredulous look was plastered across the Nara's face. He didn't like it when people did or said things that he didn't understand. 

"Not backwards, Shikamaru," Kakashi smiled at him, "Just... Lacking in the information department. Now, as for our challenge... Gai, since you've already startled our young judge here, I'll give you the benefit of using that influence to sway this your way. You're going to need it, anyway. So why don't you go first?" 

Calmly pulling down his mask, he took a sip of his shochu. Looking at Gai to wait for his response. Shikamaru had averted his eyes, as he always did when the mask came off and this made the other man chuckle a little. 

"So... Our young friend here has yet to gain permission to see what you're hiding under there?" He asked, taking a swig of his beer. 

"He needs only ask," But he knew the Nara wouldn't. Not yet. 

"I'll get to that... Some day." 

_See? Not yet. I think he sort of likes that there is one thing that he doesn't know. He's savoring it. In all fairness, the kid's gotten ample time to look, and he knows he can ask me anything. Yet he's never_ _ **once**_ _asked about the mask. I think it's damn funny...  
_

"You will, young man. And when you do, you're in for a surprise," Gai winked, "Very well then, on with the challenge!" He took another sip of his beer, seemingly contemplating what secret he was going to use. 

It amused Kakashi, relishing in the fact that there was absolutely _nothing_ that he didn't know about Gai. He was sure of that. Well, pretty sure. Reasonably sure, at least. Right? 

"As my rival suggested, I will take this opportunity, not that I need it, because this is something neither of you know. I am not ashamed of this, nor do I apologize..." Gai waited a few moments for impact, "My favorite color is pink." 

"Wow, _really_?" Kakashi was shocked, "I didn't know _that_..." 

Shikamaru, though equally surprised, remained silent. His thoughts going a million miles an hour.  
 _ **Pink?!**_ _That guy likes_ _ **pink?!**_ _That's absurd! Even if it's true - no, it probably is, he wouldn't lie just to win the challenge. But... Pink? Seriously? I had_ _ **no**_ _clue what he was gonna say, but I never saw_ _ **this**_ _coming... But then, why does he wear green? I don't get it! If he likes pink so much... And he's not ashamed to admit it... Which, I would be... But..._ _ **Really**_ _? Pink...?  
_ He didn't realized Kakashi was talking again, not until he suddenly heard the words his ears had been secretly waiting for. 

"I'm gay." 

Almost shaking, Shikamaru looked up, he'd all but missed it!  
The jounin before him seemed rather unfazed, though. Gai looked a little surprised, but not disgusted in any way, shape or form. 

"Now _that_ is something _I_ did not know," Gai studied the two faces before him for a few seconds, his rival had conveniently pulled his mask back up before revealing his secret, looking a little unsettled as he sat there stiffly, banning out all visible emotions. 

Not that he could really fool Gai, they'd known each other for too long already.  
However, the Nara also looked... Well, _frightened._ And now it all made sense.  
Softly, the Leaf's Green Beast spoke, "Did you not feel like you could tell me? Is that why you came up with this challenge, my friend?" 

He saw Kakashi hesitate, before finally slumping back into his usual slouch, "Yeah... I'm sorry Gai. I just... I guess I was afraid you'd be disgusted with me..." His tone was so sad that his oldest friend had to swallow just to bite back his own tears. 

And next to the silver-haired man, Shikamaru was also on the brink of tears. Yes, he'd guessed right... "I have no problems with that. I think it's very youthful of you," He winked, a sliver of his usual excited demeanor slipping through, "But honestly, Kakashi... I just want you to be happy." 

As the copy ninja bowed his head, Gai knew his friend was biting back tears. He couldn't keep them at bay for long, however, and soon enough, one hand was raised to wipe the hot drops away. Quietly sobbing, the silver-haired man gave of such a radiance of relief that Gai was almost tempted to slip back into his usual excited self and proclaim something stupid. 

He didn't though. His friend had obviously been dreading to tell him about this, and knowing Kakashi, and the strong friendship they shared, it must mean that the man was _so_ afraid, he'd all but given up on the notion that Gai would ever be able to accept him. 

And that hurt. A little. 

"Kakashi, I do _not_ care about your preferences, but I _do_ care about you. We've been friends for so long... _Rivals_ , and friends," He chuckled, "But this _does_ give me an idea for a challenge you will never win." 

His rival shot him an incredulous look, "What challenge?" 

"I could always challenge you to see who could first talk, let's say... _Anko,_ into their bed," Gai wiggled his eyebrows, a huge grin plastered across his face. 

"Then I'll challenge you Genma," The copy ninja retorted, smiling back. 

Gai leaned back a little, taking another thoughtful sip of his beer, "Genma, huh? I'm none too fond of that senbon of his..." 

"Oral fixation, you never know..." Kakashi said in a sing-sang voice, "Besides, it's not like _you'll_ have a chance with _either._ " 

Grinning wide, Gai retaliated, "I'll have you know that Anko is just a matter of time, whereas _Genma_... You've never even gotten close, now have you?" 

"I could... But I won't." 

"Because you actually like him?" His tone was serious again, peering into that single, grey eye that had seen so much but divulged so little. 

Kakashi sighed, pulling the mask back down to take another sip of his shochu, "Used to," He put the glass back down, covering his face once more. 

The young Nara had been quietly sipping his iced tea this whole time, but now he snorted, almost chocking as his drink came running out his nose.  
It made Kakashi chuckle, asking the young man what was so funny. 

It took Shikamaru some time to reply, given the fact that he was, indeed, almost choking on his drink. Kakashi calmly slapped his back a couple times, but other than that, did nothing.  
Another thing that interested his rival, though he would not bring it up. 

Eventually, the youngest of the trio spoke, "I _knew_ it! Oral fixation, my _ass_! You've been wanting to fuck the guy for ages," He smirked, and both men saw the copy ninja's cheeks turn a little pink. 

Even though he'd decided against it, Gai couldn't help himself anymore. Seeing an opening he could not pass up. He deliberately kept his tone soft, only mild curiosity and a hint of the laughter that had been going around in his voice as he spoke, "And what about you then, Shikamaru? Which one would you choose?" 

He saw the boy blush, heard him mumble something, too soft to make out the words. After a moment, the Nara took a deep breath, looking him straight in the eyes, " _Not_ Anko." 

Gai chuckled, "Then... Genma?" 

"No," A smirk graced the young face, "I wouldn't want to get in Kakashi's way, I've seen his chidori," He all but grinned, winking at his silver-haired friend. 

"You wouldn't get in my way... I'd beat you to him if I felt so inclined," The copy ninja shot back. 

"As _if_!" 

"Definitely." 

"Dream on, buddy." 

"Oh, I will," Kakashi smiled fondly. 

Gai couldn't hold back his chuckles anymore, laughing loudly, he looked at the two men across from him. So different, and yet, so very much alike. He knew he himself was too different from them, that there was much he couldn't understand. Even before, these two were born prodigies while he had had no choice but to train until his body gave out. They were geniuses while he was, well, not _stupid,_ but... No genius. 

But now, it seemed, they had another thing in common, something that Gai could only _attempt_ to understand, but could never fully grasp. And they'd let him into that little world all the same. They had shown him a great amount of trust, and now, felt safe enough around him to joke around about something that – Gai had no illusions on this part – had been safely tucked away for years, something they'd been ashamed of. 

He felt truly blessed to have been graced with such a trust, but, right now, their banter was just too damn funny. 

"I am sorry, Shikamaru," He said when he'd finally caught his breath a little, feeling both of their surprised looks fixed on his person, "But I don't believe you have a chance in hell against my eternal rival!" He laughed again, watching the scene of how these two would fight over Genma play out in his mind. 

"We'll see, Gai-sensei... We'll see," Shikamaru smirked again, feeling a sense of relief crash over his young mind as the reaction of this man finally sunk in completely.

 _He's not disgusted, he doesn't hate either of us now. He doesn't really care and he's comfortable enough to joke around with us... And... I think I might actually_ _ **like**_ _this side of Gai-sensei. He's still usually far too loud, in my opinion, and I still don't really see why the two of them are friends in the first place, even_ _ **if**_ _the guy apparently knows how to act normal, too... But... It's really a relief that he's so cool with it. For Kakashi's sake as well as my own, because apparently there's no way I could've ever hidden this from him. Not after Kakashi came out to him, anyway.  
_

_It's kind of like what happened with Iruka-sensei, you think they're going to toss you aside, but then they turn around and do the exact opposite. Maybe being gay isn't so bad after all...  
I mean, I know it's not bad, but... People don't seem to react the way I always thought they would, the way Kakashi always thought they would.  
They don't really mind – until you tell them you're in love with 'm, that is...  
_

"Shikamaru?" Kakashi nudged his young friend gently, just a minute ago he'd been laughing, proving his over-confidence. But all of the sudden he'd gone quiet, and now he seemed to be on the brink of tears yet again. It worried the older man, realizing that Shikamaru had a lot to be sad about. 

"I'm good, don't worry," A shaky smile drifted his way, "I was just... Thinking, is all..." 

"Sometimes you think too much," The copy ninja offered. 

The presence of Gai had all but slipped from the silver-haired man's mind, as his thoughts focused on Shikamaru, and what was bothering the boy. But when his eternal rival spoke, Kakashi could easily tell that Gai, too, was a little worried about the youngest of the trio. 

"Then think about this, Shikamaru. We both had a secret the other didn't know, so... Who won?" 

The young Nara smirked, looking up at the two men, both looking back at him expectantly, "I actually think Gai-sensei has the bigger shock-value here..." 

XOXOX

They'd drank some more, laughed some more, talked some more, too. And Kakashi couldn't be happier right now. All thoughts of his disastrous mission gone from his mind, all exhaustion forgotten. 

Shikamaru was walking next to him, back to his apartment. He'd considered urging the boy to go home, seeing how he needed to work through a couple things with his family, but something in those intense, dark eyes had stopped him. 

There was something on the Nara's mind, and Kakashi understood that _he_ was the one Shikamaru wanted to talk to right now. So he'd send Paccun out to tell the boy's parents not to worry. Hoping that Shikaku would accept it, and maybe even give him a _little_ credit for thinking about notifying them. 

"Kakashi," There was an audible smirk in the youngster's voice, "Please don't ever scare me like that again." 

Kakashi, slightly baffled, asked, "Like what?" 

"Like challenging someone to a game of truth or dare without the dare part. You gave me fright, and _then_ I'm supposed to be the _judge_? Seriously dude, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack…" 

"Yeah… Sorry about that," He really _was_ sorry, "I'd intended to talk to you first, but… I mean, he was _right there_ , and I thought that I might lose my nerve if I postponed it, so…" 

"I get it. But next time-" 

"There's not going to be a next time, though. Talking to Gai is a little… _Different."  
_

Shikamaru snorted, "I noticed. Who knew that guy could act like a normal human being?" 

"I did." 

"Could've _told_ me… You were freaking out over this whole thing, and when I said I'd think about it… I mean, if I'd _known_ this…" 

"Yeah, about that," The jounin was curious, "What did you come up with?" 

Shrugging, the Nara replied, "Not much… I'd pretty much given up when I realized I don't know the guy well enough. I thought about maybe writing a letter, but you said he had these strong views so I discarded the idea. Thinking it might only make things worse. Besides, I kind of got swept up in other stuff to think about…" 

"Your mission?" Opening the door, Kakashi stepped aside, letting his friend enter first. 

"That, too," Shikamaru walked straight into the bedroom, calling back to him, "I'll tell you about it someday!" 

Kakashi smiled.  
 _'Someday', it's almost midnight, so… Today or tomorrow? I guess I'll find out in half an hour or so…_

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _And here's another cliffhanger to stew over ^.^  
I just __**love**_ _giving you cliffhangers… And this entire arc is riddled with them, yay! Only… They also get closed fairly quickly, given my usual nasty nature. I mean… How long has the Izumo/Kotetsu cliffhanger been hangin' now? And how long did I make you guys wait to see if Shikamaru and Asuma would ever talk again? I mean, we all knew they_ _ **would**_ _, but… Yeah, anyway. Hope you enjoyed reading Kakashi's challenge at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it. Tell me what you think about his secret, who do_ _ **you**_ _think should have won? Inquiring minds want to know!  
_

XOXOX

 _ **!TEASER ALERT!**_  
(I just had to share this, don't read if you don't want the teaser, you have been warned)  
XOXOX

Little teaser: I just wrote another small piece of the 'Chapter One Hundred, Triple Digits, Celebratory Special' yesterday. So yeah… Lol. I'm still working on filling in everything in between, but I've already started working on that one, because I want it to be a long _long_ chapter. I'm sure there will be no objections ;)  
By now, I've got about 19 pages, but that's hand-written, so it's kind of a guess how many _typed_ pages that'll be… I'd say around 15 or something? Anyway, my usual chapters stretch around 8 to 16 pages each, this one being around 11 but that's because of the humongous author's notes, I'm sure. I'm planning on making the Triple Digits Special at _least_ 20 pages long, and a lot of little things will be revealed there. By _no_ means does this imply that I'm close to finishing this story, I just felt like getting a few things out in the open so I can use them. You see, I've never in my whole existence finished _any_ story, although I did write a couple one-shots, so I guess those would count. On the other hand, this was originally a one-shot too… And then it became a two-parter. Then three. And then I thought I'd finish it up with chapter four… We all know how _that_ turned out… 

Anyway, hope you'll all still be with me by the time the Triple Digits role around, and I hope to hear from you then, and now. And in between. Come on, people, make my day ^.^ 


	54. Take A Risk

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This is short… Sorry about that… I kind of got caught up in other stuffs, so maybe some of my chapters in this arc will be a little… _short_ … But hey, I'm still uploading, right?

Anyway, this is – indeed – the _second_ chapter I'm uploading _today._ Cuz… I just checked back, and I already had 1 review and also 20 people had already read the last chapter and it got me all excited and so… I'm giving you another chappy that hasn't been through Cherry's thorough Beta… Sumimasen! But I didn't want to wait, besides, I _love_ cliffhangers, and it may be a while before I get close to the laptop again, so… I'll leave you with _two._

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 54: Take A Risk

XOXOX

Focusing on her studies had proven to be too hard, and Sakura could already _hear_ the scolding she was going to get from Lady Tsunade _this_ time.  
But she shrugged, pushing such worries to the back of her mind as her determined footsteps brought her closer and closer to her goal. 

A little earlier today, while delivering a message for Lady Tsunade, she'd seen Kakashi-sensei walk into a restaurant together with Gai-sensei. Which could only mean one thing: Shino was back! 

And so the girl found herself almost skipping on her way over to her friend's house, she simply could not _wait_ to see him again. Even though she was still a bit unsure about her feelings for the Aburame, Sakura believed it would all become clear in time. Time, that would be best spend at her best friend's side. Chatting away the hours like they'd done so many times already. 

There wasn't anything in particular she wanted to talk about, all though the pinkette was quite curious to hear how Shino's mission went. Mostly, though, she just wanted to see him again, make sure he got back okay. Not being able to touch him anymore was a bit of a downer, but she'd already decided to just deal with that. Her friend's discomfort fresh on her mind. 

Turning into the private access road to the Aburame Clan Complex, Sakura was startled to find a small group of people standing just beyond the gates. She immediately saw that Shino wasn't among them and was just pondering whether she should continue walking or turn back when a man turned to her. 

"Sakura, right? I believe my son has mentioned you before." 

Like all Aburame, the man's clothes and glasses shielded most of his face, but along with his words, he sparked some recognition in the girl. This was Shino's father. 

"Yes, I'm Sakura Haruno, I'm pleased to meet you, sir," She spoke politely, quietly hoping this man would not be the kind to engage in small talk with an almost-stranger. 

"Pleased to meet you, too, Sakura. I am Shibi Aburame, Shino's father. My son is at home, you came to visit him, right?" 

"Yes, sir," She nodded and said a proper good-bye after he'd told her to just go on ahead, feeling very relieved that the man indeed did not seem to want to make small talk. 

Walking further down the road, all thoughts of Shibi Aburame dissipated from her mind as she saw Shino walking toward her, "Sakura, I saw you coming this way, so I decided I would come and greet you. How have you been?" 

"I'm... Fine, really. I've been studying a lot and now my head's spinning from all the medical terms," She smiled, "How was your mission?" 

They walked back to Shino's house, side by side, and she had to remind herself not to grab his arm. It felt a little awkward, not being able to lock their arms together as they walked, but Sakura had made up her mind and as such, stuck to it. 

"It was... Hard on me. The mission itself was fairly simple, and I did not experience any trouble with it. However, the company was... Unpleasant," He opened the front door, letting Sakura enter first, "Would you like something to drink? There is no-one else home right now, so if you like we could sit down in the kitchen?" 

Smiling bright, she accepted the offer, not because she had a problem with Shino's bedroom – she'd assumed that's where they were going. But because Shino obviously was trying to find a suitable location to chat.  
 _He_ _ **is**_ _a gentleman, after all._ She almost giggled. 

XOXOX

Shibi was glad he had been given the opportunity to come face to face with the girl his son was in love with. He'd only seen her from a distance before, and he had been wanting to know a little more about her. She was polite, which he liked, and cute as well, which, obviously, Shino liked. 

_I am happy that they have remained friends. She is important to Shino, even if she does not reciprocate his feelings. Having a friend like her around may very well be one of the best things that has ever happened to the boy.  
_

_Isn't this the first of his friends to ever come to his house? And she's done it twice now, if I am not mistaken. Of course we have seen his teammates here also, but they did not come simply to see him. That Inuzuka boy only comes by to pick him up for training, as if he fears Shino would be late otherwise, while Shino actually waits for him to show up so the boy can feel like he has accomplished something by picking up my son.  
And the Hyuga girl... She did come by a few times in order to talk with him, but again, that was about training together. I believe she wanted to test her gentle fist technique against Shino's Kekkaichu...  
_

_But this Sakura Haruno... Wants to chat with him. Be friends with him.  
I believe I would very much like them to continue this friendship, if nothing else.  
_

XOXOX

"That sounds awful!" Sakura cried out, she'd waited for Shino to tell her the whole story before replying to any of it, but now she couldn't hold back any longer. 

"It was very unpleasant, yes." 

"Neji can be such an ass, Shino! Why didn't you just _punch_ the guy? After putting Kakashi-sensei through all that, and you as well. Oh, I would have-" 

"Sakura," Shino interrupted, "I do not believe in punching my teammates. Even if they are, at times, extremely annoying. However, what Neji did, he did to better our mission, and I am certain that Kakashi realizes this too." 

"Yeah, Shino... But _still_..." She sighed, "Oh well, I guess it worked out in the end, right?" 

Watching her friend nod, Sakura decided she was going to risk it, she would deal with whatever consequences came of this, "Shino... There actually is something I'd like to talk to you about, but... Well, you see, I wasn't _just_ studying all this time. I mean, I studied a _lot_ , but... Also did a lot of thinking...  
And among other things I realized I haven't been fair to Kakashi-sensei, thinking what he did was disgusting when actually that's not really how I felt at all. I talked to Iruka-sensei about that, too. He said I should go and tell Kakashi-sensei that, but I haven't spoken to him yet.  
There is something even more important I have to do first." 

Shino only looked at her from across the table. Patiently waiting for Sakura to continue talking. But she didn't.  
She looked at him for a good long while, before abruptly getting up. 

Walking over to him, Sakura peered into the depths of the Aburame's sunglasses, silently cursing their existence. 

Leaning over but a little, she softly removed them, "Is this okay, Shino?" She asked cautiously, before pulling the glasses away. 

Shino swallowed hard, trying to steady his voice but still only able to squeeze out one word, "Yes." 

She was so close, now. He could smell her light perfume, he could see the little light specks in her eyes. He could hear the girl breathe. 

Sakura carefully laid the sunglasses on the table, looking deep into Shino's immensely dark eyes. 

Leaning over just a little closer, she closed the gap between their lips.


	55. The Talk

AUTHORS NOTE: Awkwardness… Yay! Only… This time, it might've been my own… -.-"  
Sorry for any and all mistakes guys, but seeing as I have seriously _zero_ experience with the subject… Well, I can only rely on the internet and my own good sense, and those two kinda contradict each other sometimes… Hmmm… Anyway, if I get all or some of this wrong, please don't bite my head off! You can, however, explain my mistakes ^.^ 

So, I coaxed another lurker out of hiding, apparently… Which is great, but I´m still pretty nervous about this chapter, and my Beta is still very busy. So I read this over about a twelve times more, and I´m still nervous about it. Still, all faults are my own, and I hope you´ll forgive me for all the ones you find. Whether that be grammar, spelling, or… Well, _content_. Lol, *blush*

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 55: The Talk

XOXOX

"Hey… Kakashi? Can I ask you something?" 

They were comfortably sitting next to each other on the bed. Backs leaning against the wall, shoulders all but touching. This felt pretty safe, Shikamaru decided. 

"Sure, what's up?" 

"I was just thinking…" _Ah, this is fucking embarrassing!  
It's like it's hard to even __**think**_ _, let alone_ _ **say**_ _it…  
_

_He's gonna laugh at me, he is_ _ **so**_ _gonna laugh at me… I'm just a kid, right?  
He's never gonna take me serious, he's never gonna talk about this with me.  
What was I even __**thinking**_ _?!  
_

_There's no_ _ **way**_ _I can say those things! I can't, I_ _ **can't**_ _!  
He's gonna make fun of me…  
_

_This is_ _ **so**_ _fucking embarrassing! Why did I ever bring it up?! Why did I have to say anything? I don't even know where to start but I know there's no way I can actually say it out loud so it doesn't even_ _ **matter**_ _!  
I've __**never**_ _been so embarrassed in my_ _ **life**_ _! What's he gonna think of me?  
'Oh look, it's the horny teenager again…'_

 _I'm just too_ _ **fucking**_ _embarrassed right now, could the ground just please open up and swallow me whole? I can't do –  
_

"Shikamaru…?" 

"Yeah…" 

Kakashi flashed him a smile, "Not that I particularly _mind_ , but… You asked if you could ask me something, and then you sit there quietly freaking out for ten minutes…" 

" _That_ long?" 

"Give or take… Is there something wrong?" The question almost sounded nonchalant, like an afterthought, but his face betrayed that notion.

"No. Really, you don't have to get all worried or something… It's just… It's kinda embarrassing…." 

"Embarrassing?" 

"Yeah… So please don't… You know… Make fun of me or something…" He only mumbled the last few words, obviously embarrassed already. 

The man looked a little hurt, "I wouldn't. You should know that by now." 

"Yeah, I know… Sorry." 

"It's okay," Kakashi flashed him another smile, "So, care to tell me what's on your mind?" 

He hesitated for only a moment. Swallowing before he confided, "I was just… –Well, not right now, but – …Thinking about… Having sex… Like, _with_ someone…" He all but whispered. 

Kakashi stayed quiet for a little while, calmly lighting a cigarette, "Bit young, don't you think?" 

"Maybe…" 

"Still, can't say I blame you," He said, studying the fiery tip of his cigarette, "I've been there, you know that." 

"Yeah…" 

"Shikamaru," The silver-haired man shifted his gaze, looking at him intently, "Don't pay for it." 

The boy scoffed, "Wasn't planning to, dude!" 

"I know," A soothing tone crept in his voice, "I was just… Making sure. Your first time is important. Don't do it unless you're with someone you can trust. I'm serious here, please don't repeat my mistakes." 

"I won't… Thanks," He offered a shy smile, that was immediately met by Kakashi's beaming, eye-crinkling one.  
Feeling another blush creep up, Shikamaru turned his head away. He _had_ hoped his friend didn't notice, but quickly realized he should've known better. 

"Shikamaru, what're you thinking?" 

"Nothing…" His blush deepened, and he refused to turn back to let Kakashi get a better look at it. 

"I somehow doubt that…" There was a warm smile in Kakashi's voice, but the Nara still wouldn't look at him, "I _know_ you've got more on your mind, kid. Ask away, I promise I won't judge." _  
_

"Kakashi… Could you maybe… Not be so cool with it?" 

" _What_? Shikamaru, I have absolutely _no_ idea what you mean by that…" The jounin was exasperated.  
 _What the hell did I_ _ **do**_ _? Try to be supportive and_ _ **that's**_ _what you get?  
I'm __**not**_ _cool with it, not really. But seeing as I can never,_ _ **ever**_ _tell you why… I just want to help you…  
_

"Like… I dunno… It's really embarrassing for me and you're all 'Yay, let's talk', and… I just don't really know how to deal with that, I guess…" 

"I see… But, Shikamaru, I'm _not_ embarrassed by it. And neither should you be, although I realize that's probably a bit too much to ask at this point. I'm _not_ trying to make it harder on you, if anything it's the opposite." 

"I know… It's just… " Shikamaru sighed, "Never mind… Say, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"Is there like… Stuff that I should have?" The young man sounded very timid, but he also was determined to follow this through, "Like, condoms or something…?" 

"It's best to. You probably don't need too much of 'em yet, anyway. I'd say seal five or so in one of those tiny scrolls and you'll be fine. Don't forget the lube, though."  
 _At least, that way… He won't be doing too many of them. I don't really want him to be doing_ _ **anyone**_ _.  
Well, maybe…_ _ **someone**_ _. Someone in particular…_

"Where, eh… Where can I get that?" 

Kakashi looked over at his young friend for a moment. The boy was still looking down, still blushing. He rapidly came to a conclusion, "You shouldn't, people talk. I'll get it for you, don't worry," He smiled reassuringly, hoping this offer wouldn't embarrass his young friend any further. 

"Thanks… I… I really appreciate that…" 

"it's fine, people will hardly notice _me_ buying stuff like that, but _you_ … Could prove to be a hassle." 

"Yeah… Small towns can be such a drag…" 

"Exactly," Kakashi smiled again, "I'm the pervert anyway, worst I get is a couple 'knowing' looks." 

The boy gave him a sideways glance, "You speaking from experience?" 

"Shikamaru… That _hurts_ , you know!" But he only sounded playful, nudging his young friend's shoulder. 

The Nara grinned, "Thought you had thicker skin than _that_! Anyway…" He sounded serious again, "Is there, like, anything I should… _know_ …?" He didn't dare look up, his cheeks burning. 

But Kakashi didn't let on that he'd seen his discomfort. His voice completely calm and clear when he replied, "A few things… First, like I said, you _have_ to be able to trust him… It's a vulnerable position you're placing yourself in. Not just… How do I say this, _physically._ It's also just very personal.  
Also, if you take it up your ass, it's gonna hurt. Be careless, and it hurts like hell. Trust me.  
The first time isn't comfortable, but… It feels _so_ good… And the pain'll pass in a bit.  
And if you decide to give someone a blowjob… Well, there's a lot to learn about that, and that's fine. It'll come in time. Most important is just to listen, you'll know when you're doing something right.  
But if you feel uncomfortable doing it, don't. It's just one of those things, don't start giving head unless you feel ready. It's not going to be good for either of you if you're uncomfortable, anyway…  
What else…?" 

"There's _more_?!" The teen felt overwhelmed, he'd never expected this much advice, wasn't even sure how he felt about the details of it. But the matter-of-fact way that Kakashi was relaying the information in really _did_ help to calm his nerves.  
He was still blushing, still ashamed, but not as bad as before. 

"Oh yeah, lot's more. But plenty of that you'll discover on your own – it's half the fun. But there's one more important thing.  
Especially if you're a top or a switch, though a bottom should also know this stuff. Even if it's just so he knows he's being treated right. It's about the preparations…" 

"Wait, Kakashi, I – you're going a bit fast here. I.. I don't…" 

"You don't know the terms?" 

A slight nod. Cheeks redder still. 

"A bottom is the one that prefers to, eh… Yeah, okay, this _is_ getting a little embarrassing…  
Never mind that, though. Eh, right…  
The bottom; Takes it. Top; Gives it. Switch; Goes either way.  
With me so far?" 

"I _guess_ …? Like, _takes_ it…" 

Kakashi bit his lip, took a deep breath, and went off the deep end, "Prefers to _get_ fucked, yeah. Like… _Me_ …" He flashed a little embarrassed smile, "But I'm more like a power-bottom, anyway… I'm not… Too _passive_ , if you catch my drift…" 

"I… Guess, wow, I kinda would've thought you –" 

"Most people do. I used to. Now, not so much. But I switch, too. If I wanna," The silver-haired man winked, "Moving on… The top –" 

Shikamaru saw an opening, and went for it, "Puts _his_ dick in _you_ , then, right?" 

"Thanks for the graphic detail, dude, _really_ needed that…" He sighed, "And the switch likes both. Some _do_ have a preference, for others it depends on the mood.  
Honestly, if I were to guess, I'd say you're either a top or a preferential switch. But I guess we'll see…"  
The jounin picked another cigarette, his own nerves getting to him.  
 _I shouldn't even be_ _ **thinking**_ _about it, he's still a kid!  
I can't – no, something else, something else…  
_"Anyway, we were actually talking preparations, right?" 

He looked over at his young friend.  
The Nara had pulled up his legs, arms resting on his knees. Face buried in his arms. He was undoubtedly sporting that blush that Kakashi found so adorable, but he managed to squeeze some words out nonetheless, "What if I do it wrong?" 

Kakashi took a deep breath, he really didn't want to have to be the one to tell him this, but… No-one else was going to. So… "You'd hurt him. Pretty bad. There's a difference between a rough fuck and an unprepared one, the latter being able to cause some pretty big problems…I've… seen the effects myself… Just…" He sighed, "Sorry, I was supposed to explain things, not make you scared to try it…" 

"It's okay… I expect I kinda know where that came from…" 

"Yeah," Kakashi swallowed, images of the horrors he's once inflicted upon others flashing before his eyes, "Yeah… You do. But, _you're_ not _me,_ so you have absolutely no reason to be afraid of this stuff.  
So what you do…" 

The boy listened intently to his friend's explanation. His face still red , still hidden away, but all the information was being stored in his brain. Even the slightly awkward details Kakashi provided.  
Everything stored away for future reference. 

Kakashi figured Shikamaru would probably be too embarrassed to ask any further questions, so he tried to be as detailed as possible, probably embarrassing the kid even more. But that couldn't be helped.  
As he spoke, his mind wandered a little, maybe to distract himself from the words that only _seemed_ to fall off his lips so easily. 

_If I'd had someone to ask these questions , to ask advice from, would it still have turned out this way?  
Would I've become that sexually frustrated monster __**then**_ _?  
Would I've actually gone through the motions of preparing prostitutes? Would I've even __**fucked**_ _them?  
Possibly… I'm not even sure of any of that… Shikaku was right. I was such a different person back then, I can't even understand that younger Kakashi now…  
_

"… And, basically, just don't move until they say it's all right. Give him time to adjust. How long that takes varies from person to person, so…" 

"You?" Shikamaru whispered curiously. 

"Me? You mean, how long do I take? That's a ballsy question…" 

"Sorry, you don't have to tell me, I was just… Wondering, I guess," Shikamaru looked up at him, bright-red, but dead serious. 

"No, it's alright. You just kind of caught me off guard. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't actually paying attention myself." 

"I could tell. Your voice gets all boring when you do that," He chuckled, "I get it though." 

" _Boring?!_ Ouch, Shikamaru. That's mean. I happen to have been told on numerous occasions that I have a _very_ pleasant voice." 

"You do. Unless you zone out…" 

"Right, well. To answer your question; Usually a few seconds. If all the things we've discussed before are done right. Or… Right- _ish_ ," Kakashi wiggled his hand a little, "Only time it took me a while – after I got used to it – was with this one guy… But he was _huge,_ " The copy ninja winked, "Like, _really_ huge. Never saw anything like it before or since. Kinda hurt that time…" He added thoughtfully. 

"Hurt like… bad?" 

"No, not really… It's… For me, sometimes, a little pain is… A good thing… I'm a bit of a masochist, so…" 

"Pain is gain, sort of thing?" Shikamaru blinked up at him, feeling _extremely_ curious now. 

"Eh... _Sometimes_. When I'm in the mood… It's a bit hard to explain without getting too graphic for my own comfort right now, though. So could we just leave it at that?" The jounin could feel his own cheeks burning. 

"Sure, it's not like I wanna get all up in your business – okay, maybe I do, but that's because you're hot," The Nara grinned naughtily, pleased to see that for once, _he_ had been the one making _Kakashi_ blush. 

_Oh my god, he_ _ **didn't**_ _!  
I'm hot? Well, I suppose he's said it before…  
_

"Yeah, side note; make sure your guy is _fucking_ _gorgeous_ , can't have a cutie like you giving himself to some ugly fucker…" 

_Yeah, I win._ _ **He's**_ _blushing more…_


	56. Experimentation

AUTHORS NOTE: _Extremely_ short, _extremely_ awkward, _extremely_ far from any of the current arcs – But it's not. Anyway…  
Let me know your thoughts, will ya? See if I did okay on this _… *blushes*_ There will be a lot of red cheeks for the duration of this arc… Mine at least, I may be _writing_ this stuff, but… Yeah… Anyway, on with the story! 

And just to remind you all, I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 56: Experimentation

XOXOX

 _This is_ _ **ridiculous**_ _..._ Iruka Umino thought as he flipped another page.  
 _I'm_ _ **actually**_ _looking through a_ _ **porn magazine**_ _, trying to figure out if the guys here do anything for me... Isn't that sort of... Wrong?  
He looks pretty good, though...  
_

Iruka's hand stilled, his gaze drawn toward a picture he'd never before even _looked_ at.  
Unconsciously, his hand dropped the page it was holding on to, instead carefully tracing the strong lines of a male body, depicted in glossy colors on a page in a dirty magazine.  
 _I guess it's... Nice to look at? I'm not sure if I would ever actually consider...  
_

His eyes wandered from intense eyes, down past a strong jaw line. Broad shoulders, hard pecks and well-defined abs, all the way down to a definite bulge, all but revealed by stretched, white briefs. He swallowed. 

Uncomfortably looking away, almost feeling as if he'd been spied upon while he was lost in the strong physique of another man, Iruka let out a deep sigh.  
 _Okaaaay... So_ _ **maybe**_ _it's a little more attractive than I first thought... But would I ever..._ _ **Could**_ _I ever... It's bound to be very different, right? Not that I have too much experience either way..._

 __He smiled wryly. Closing the magazine in an almost angry motion, Iruka swiftly got to his feet, walking away from the table, away from the magazine, away from that tempting man, so invitingly depicted.  
Running a hand through brown locks, he sighed again. 

_This can't be happening, this absolutely_ _ **cann**_ _ **ot**_ _be happening... I did_ _ **not**_ _just get a boner from looking at another man!  
_

Looking down, he sighed once more, blushing.  
 _But I did. And that obviously means something, even though I really don't want to know_ _ **what**_ _exactly... It's not that I have a problem with guys like Kakashi and Shikamaru – guys who like other guys. But... I don't think I'm up for it. Even if it's... enticing.  
_

_I feel dirty right now. If I really liked guys I wouldn't feel dirty for just looking, right?  
On the other hand, Shikamaru seemed to think it was dirty, too. And Kakashi all but conceded to the fact that, at one time, so did he. So maybe that __**is**_ _normal...  
And aren't porn magazines basically dirty by definition? I know I've felt a bit awkward before just looking at the cover of that thing... The cover...  
_

Walking back, he picked up the magazine again, turning it around until he could gaze upon the woman he'd jerked off to more times than the he could count.  
 _She still looks hot to me... So it's not... Is it? Or...? Could be both...  
Could I __**really**_ _like both men_ _ **and**_ _woman?  
And if that's true, how come I never felt anything for a guy before? I've seen way more men naked than woman... I've only seen naked woman in magazines like this. Dirty magazines... But men... I've seen men naked in the bathhouse, and sometimes on missions, too. I've never felt the urge to jerk off to __**that**_ _idea...  
_

_On the other hand... When you share a bath together, or if you go swimming together or change together... You're not really_ _ **looking**_ _, now are you? Basically, you just try to keep your eyes to yourself because god forbid someone actually_ _ **does**_ _think you're checking them out...  
_

He stood there, in the late afternoon sun. In the middle of his room, holding that same magazine that had piqued his students' interest. But Iruka wasn't looking at it anymore. His eyes staring blindly, his throat suddenly way too dry. 

_I could... Test the theory, of course... See if... That guy'll, you know, do it for me...  
But I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I even want to know. And even __**if**_ _I'm... I doubt that would do much for my chances, right? I mean, I'd only be pretty much doubling the candidate pool... Not like that would make things easier, right?  
_

Suddenly coming to a decision, the chuunin quickly moved before he could change his mind again, before he could chicken out.  
Walking over to his bed, he flipped through the pages once more, looking for a certain photo of a certain man that had stirred certain... _things_ down in his pants. 

Finding the page he was looking for, Iruka dropped the magazine on his bed, swiftly ridding himself of his pants and briefs. Flopping down on the bed, he studied the man on the page once more, gingerly moving his hand toward his own sex. 

_I can't believe how nerve-wrecking this is... It's not like I haven't done this a hundred times before, a thousand, even. But at the same time, I haven't. I've never... This is a_ _ **guy**_ _, for crying out loud! I can't... I just... It's so weird...  
_

He scrunched his eyes shut, pushing the now offending magazine of the bed before turning on his back, on hand gripping the pillow, just above his head, the other still lingering on his full erection. 

Tentatively stroking, he tried to recall the woman's picture once more, but found it to be impossible. Every time he tried, he would see that man. That awkwardly revealing man.  
That man that had him growing hard faster than any woman – or picture of a woman – had ever could. 

He swallowed.  
 _This is so embarrassing... There's not even anyone around and I'm still scared to just... Roll with it, I guess. But... Just the thought alone...  
_

_Then maybe I_ _ **shouldn't**_ _think about it. Just do it. No more thinking, just...  
_

Iruka moaned as that image flashed before his eyes again, his hand pumping his throbbing length. 

Regardless of anything... This felt _good_.

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _So… My last update before I get sucked into family for the weekend… Bleh, don't really feel like it, but hey, I should take Iruka's lead and not chicken out, right – Ohhhh…. That sounded_ _ **dirty**_ _… I promise my family isn't_ _ **that**_ _bad, I swear! Lol  
_

_Anyway, make my day, will ya? Leave me a review! I can promise you that you'll annoy the living daylights out of some pretty annoying family members over here ;) (Because seriously, I_ _ **still**_ _squeal… :P)_


	57. Lust Is A Powerful Word

AUTHORS NOTE: _**Another Beta-less chappy… No idea when Cherry will be available again, so I'm uploading either way. We'll see how this goes.**_ **  
**

Somewhere in the back of my head I always knew this was coming, I tried to steer away from it, several times. For all the reasons mentioned both in this chapter and earlier. But I eventually just gave up the fight… Enjoy! 

Wanna see what happened _right_ before? The little piece that's missing between chapters 55 and 57? Head on over to the side notes, 'cause… Well I wrote it after all ;)  
But, and this is important, it contains a pretty huge _spoiler_! Although… By now there's a good chance you folks have already figured that bit out, so… Whatever, if you don't want a spoiler, don't read it yet. After I've uploaded chapter… 59 I think… Yes, chapter 59 the spoiler isn't a spoiler anymore. I leave it up to you whether or not you can contain your curiosity. This'll be _fun_ … lol 

Also, I've noticed I've gotten a lot of followers and favorites on this story over the last couple days, thank you all so much! I love those, because they mean that someone is enjoying my story. I'm really happy about that. Now let's see if I can't drag out a couple more reviews! 

Oh and eh… Jaz? Happy now? Or do you need more for your fix? :P

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 57: Lust Is A Powerful Word

XOXOX

"Shi-Shikamaru, this probably isn't a good idea," Kakashi stuttered. 

The Nara began to lightly stroke his elder's member through the uniform pants, "I know."

"Shikamaru, _come on_ ," The copy ninja al but whimpered, "I'm supposed to be the _responsible_ one here…"

"Then take responsibility for _this,_ " The young man said as he placed Kakashi's hand upon his own, throbbing member. He trailed soft kisses along a masked throat, moaning as he realized the older man was, in fact, taking responsibility.

Kakashi unconsciously fondled the warm flesh under his hand, before sighing, "You know, I would love nothing more, right now… " He swallowed hard, removing his hand and gently pushing the heated teen away from him. 

Once he'd created some distance between their bodies, he swallowed again, his voice throaty as she spoke up, "I _really_ wish I could, but –"

"Then just do it," The Nara all but whined, "I _want_ you to, it's not like you're raping me or something…"

The copy ninja sighed again, pushing himself back a little further, reaching for a cigarette. There was a slight pause to him as he lit the cigarette, inhaling deeply, calming himself down while willing his erection to go down as well. 

When he finally spoke up, his voice had almost returned to normal again, although there was no hint of humor in it, not a single sign he was open for any more of their usual banter, "In a way, it is. I'm a grown man, Shikamaru. And for all your wisdom and maturity, you're still a teenager, still a kid. I simply can't."

"But you _want_ to, you just _said_ that," Shikamaru pouted, still breathing heavily.

"I would be lying if I told you otherwise, however, that _doesn't_ change the fact that you're underage. And I already told you once before that I'm no pedophile."

"And I keep telling you I'm no kid!" 

"Didn't we already agree on something regarding that little fact…? Don't tell me you've forgotten, Shikamaru. You're still a kid when it comes to sex. End of story," The jounins voice was strict, both for Shikamaru's sake _and_ his own.  
Right now, he would like absolutely _nothing_ better than to give Shikamaru _exactly_ what he wanted, but Kakashi was utterly certain this would be the _wrong_ course of action.  
 _As opposed to the_ _ **right**_ _one where he eventually ends up with a prostitute like I did…_ He sighed again. 

"Kakashi, do you even _realize_ how much you're sighing, right now?" 

"Not really, but it doesn't really matter, anyway." 

"It does. It does to _me_ , at least. Could you at least explain? _Please_?" 

Kakashi looked over at his young friend, Shikamaru was bright-red, but he looked him straight in the eye. The boy's hands were twitching, probably jealous of Kakashi's cigarette right now, as it gave the man something to do.  
Shikamaru was also biting down on his lip again, hard enough to draw blood. Kakashi knew this to be a bad sign, but there really wasn't a whole lot he could do about it. 

He sighed once more, picking up another cigarette, "You want one? I know Asuma's given you before, and… Well, anything to stop you from ripping your lip open…" 

Shikamaru gingerly stretched out his hand, taking care not to touch anything _but_ the cigarette, "Thanks…" 

"Sure… here," He lit a match, holding it so the boy would have no choice but to lean closer, which he did. In the short moment needed to light the smoke, before Shikamaru shifted back to his earlier position, the jounin studied him, learning things that were a bit disheartening to discover, "Shikamaru… I _will_ explain, I promise. But right now I need to ask you something first." 

"Go for it." 

"Why do you want this so bad? And why me? On second thought, scratch that last one… I'm probably the only option you _have_ …" 

He watched as Shikamaru inhaled, slowly calming himself down, "It's not that… I mean, yeah okay, I wouldn't really know anyone else right of the top of my head, but…That's not… I lo- I mean… You said that I should be able to trust that person, right?"

Kakashi nodded, he _did_ say that, because it was important and needed to be said. He'd never actually believed that little piece of advice would come back to bite him in the ass… _Almost literally…  
_

"And why now is a stupid, ridiculous question…" 

Shikamaru fell quiet for a long while, almost entirely finishing his cigarette before he spoke again, softly, almost whispering, "I've wanted this since the moment you blew in my ear, way back at that bathhouse…"

"Shikamaru…" 

"Don't say my name like that, like you pity me or something, because it's not like that. Not at _all!_ " 

Kakashi couldn't help a small smile, "I don't pity you, I really never did. It's just…"  
 _Am I really doing this? I promised him honesty but… This might be taking it a bit too far…  
_ "Shikamaru, I'm going to be brutally honest here, and probably embarrass the living daylights out of myself, so be gentle, okay?" 

He didn't wait for a reply, instead speaking fast, without even breaking for air, "That time, I wanted to stay in there _with_ you so bad, it physically hurt. I didn't leave because _you_ were aroused, I left because _I_ was. I left because you looked like – well, I don't even know _what_ to call it, but I really wanted to take you right there and then. However, I couldn't, Shikamaru, because like I explained, I'm a grown man, you're just a boy and no matter how much either or both of us wanted to, it would still technically be called rape.  
And you were vulnerable and I was horny as fuck and I just couldn't. I couldn't risk hurting you, not then and not later when you'd come back to your senses. It wouldn't have been _right_. And it still isn't…" 

The copy ninja took a deep breath, seeing stars as he'd run out of oxygen several sentences ago, "And I would have to answer for that crime to your father."

The exasperated teen stayed quiet for a while, eventually holding out his hand, demanding another smoke. Kakashi gave it to him, taking another for himself as well. After lighting his own, he held out the match for Shikamaru. When the boy leaned back against the wall, he chuckled a little, "Kakashi, how much do you think I tell my _dad_ about my sex life? It's not like he's gonna _know_ …" 

"Shikaku always knows, Shikamaru. Besides, with what you're suggesting… The evidence would be visible…" 

Kakashi watched as the teen inhaled.  
 _Does he even_ _ **realize**_ _he's making smoking look like the sexiest thing on earth?  
_

"So basically… You're telling me my dad scares the crap out of you?" 

"The thought of him finding out I slept with his son does, yes. Didn't you catch him looking between the two of us back in your kitchen?" 

"I was a little pre-occupied at the time, Kakashi… So no, I didn't. I'm amazed _you_ did…" 

The jounin chuckled, "I've been very well-trained." 

"I can tell," Shikamaru gave the silver-haired man a once-over. Slowly, as if he was trying to pierce Kakashi's clothes with his stare. 

"Shikamaru… You're not helping, here… Would you please stop looking at me like that?" 

"No," The Nara leaned closer until his face was only inches away from Kakashi's, "Your clothes offend me," He whispered, "Take them off…" 

"I already told you I can't do that… Shikamaru _, come on_. You know as well as I do that you're making this extremely hard on the both of us and –" Kakashi suddenly stopped talking, gasping as he felt Shikamaru's hand back where he'd brushed him away not too long ago. 

"Hard indeed, so how many more times do I gotta ask, Kakashi? 'Cause I won't stop, I can promise you that." 

Kakashi swallowed, this was _not_ how the conversation was supposed to go. He was _supposed_ to say no, explain if need be – even though he really shouldn't need to, Shikamaru was smart enough to understand, or at least remember – and the kid would accept it. Would stop _touching_ him. 

"Shikamaru… You're pretty… _Aggressive_ , you know that…?" 

"I know, I also know what I want." 

The copy ninja couldn't help but feel a bit curious, _maybe_ … "Then what exactly do you want?"  
He tried to keep his voice even, but it was impossible with Shikamaru's hand stroking him through his pants. 

"Exactly?" The Nara drawled out, "What I want _exactly_ is you inside me." 

He blushed as he said it, and the other man was quick to point it out. Hoping that maybe embarrassment could steer him away from this, if nothing else could. 

"I don't care. I said I know what I want, and what I want is you. Inside me. Right now." 

"And by inside you, you mean… _Where_ exactly?" 

Shikamaru growled, "What do _you_ think?" 

Kakashi gave his trademark smile, lifting the distracting hand away from his groin, "There's more than one possibility, you know…" 

"I know!" He was whining, it was so cute, but Kakashi tried to steel himself. 

"If you can't even _say_ it, it's never going to happen. Let's make that _abundantly_ clear," He smiled as Shikamaru pulled back, flicking his cigarette bud into the ashtray. 

But Kakashi wasn't prepared for what the teenager had planned next: Without any warning, Shikamaru moved. Settling himself on the jounins lap. He moaned, as he hadn't realized the contact between the two men's erections would sent such a jolt through his body. 

But then he leaned against the silver-haired man, wrapping his arms tight around muscular shoulders, bringing his lips close to the one, uncovered ear, whispering, "I want your cock in my ass, I want to feel you come inside me," He buried his face in the crook of Kakashi's neck, undoubtedly blushing again. 

Kakashi swallowed, extinguishing his own cigarette before setting the ashtray aside. He let his hands rest on Shikamaru's back, unsure what to do now, "I didn't think you'd actually come out and say it," He said in a low voice, "But it still doesn't change the fact that I can't. _Especially_ that. If I fuck you in the ass, you're gonna be walking funny for at least a day or so, you realize that, don't you?"

"Then let me stay here…" The boy unconsciously shifted, making both moan at the friction, "Kakashi… You like that, don't you?" 

The older man growled, "Don't get cocky, kid. That was purely accidental, and you know it." 

"This isn't," Shikamaru moved again, eliciting another moan from the man beneath him as he bit his lip to stay quiet himself. 

"Really aggressive… Hmm, who says I like aggressive lovers?" 

This seemed to stop the Nara for a bit. After a while he slowly moved back a little, taking care not to touch Kakashi's private parts, "I'm sorry… I just…" 

The copy ninja couldn't take seeing his young friend like this, moving his hands under the shirt they'd been laying on top of, "Listen… I _do_ , okay. And that's the real problem here… I like _not_ taking charge, it used to be the other way around, but…  
Anyway, your whole approach is getting the better of me to the point where I can't even remember why this was a bad idea in the first place. But it was probably an important point, so…" 

The young man smirked, "So, am I getting my way then?" 

Kakashi didn't say anything, removing his hands from the tanned back. He _felt_ Shikamaru slouch more than he saw it, defeat laced in every slight move of the young body.  
But Kakashi wasn't done yet. Raising his left hand, he softly covered Shikamaru's eyes, while using his right to pull down his own mask. As their lips touched, Shikamaru shuddered, almost losing his balance. 

Kakashi threw his right arm around the slim body to help steady him, and he could feel strong hands grab hold of the front of his shirt. After only a few seconds, the older man pulled away again, never having opened his lips to Shikamaru. 

When he removed his hand from the young Nara's face, the eyes remained closed. So he shrugged and pulled his mask back up. The copy ninja wouldn't have minded Shikamaru seeing his face at this point, but he wasn't planning on waiting around for it either. 

It took Shikamaru several seconds to recover to the point where he could open his eyes. As he did, he scanned the jounin's face, cursing the mask that hid most of it. He needed to know where he stood, needed Kakashi to give him a sign, to show him how far he'd let this go. The Nara bit his lip again, he could taste the blood now. But he didn't care. 

"Kakashi…?" 

"Hmmm?" The older man looked at him with a friendly sort of curiosity. 

"Could you… May I please see your face?" It was nothing more than a whisper, anxiety straining the young voice. 

"Go ahead, you can take it off if you like." 

Shikamaru nodded, gingerly lifting one hand. He stroked the side of Kakashi's face for a while, feeling a bit insecure. But the other man didn't try to stop him. There was no doubt in his visible eye, and when Shikamaru finally took hold of the edge of Kakashi's mask, the older man didn't try to prevent him from moving forward. He kept his eyes trained on Kakashi's grey eye as he slowly pulled down the mask. Still nervous to look at the skin he was revealing. 

"It's alright, Shikamaru. You can look, I don't mind." 

The teenager swallowed, lowering his gaze, "Why do you hide it, anyway?" 

He heard his elder clear his throat, he could _see_ it now too. His eyes glued to thin lips as they moved. 

"I look like my father. I decided a long time ago I didn't want to walk around with his face. Don't ask about it now, just… _Kiss me._ "

Young eyes widened at those words, but he complied all the same. Within moments, he felt Kakashi's tongue run across his lower lip, and he automatically parted his lips. 

It was earth shattering. Shikamaru had never actually kissed anyone before, and he'd never expected it to feel _this_ good. After what seemed like eternity they broke apart, with Shikamaru panting for air as Kakashi chuckled. 

"So you wanted to fuck me before you'd ever even had your first kiss?" 

"Don't… Judge," Still panting, Shikamaru shot him a scornful look, "That's… Mean..." 

"I'm not judging you, Cuteness, I was just amused…"  
 _Cuteness?! Where did that come from? Sure, I think he's cute, but… I didn't mean to hurt his pride…  
_

Shikamaru smirked, he'd caught his breath by now and was thoroughly enjoying this, "Why do you keep calling me cute?" 

"Because to me, you _are_. I don't mean it in a bad way, really. I just –" 

The boy had crashed his lips back on his own, the kiss no longer being slow and sweet like before, but rather passionate and almost violent. When they broke apart again, both were panting. 

"Okay… So calling you cute is a good thing?" 

"It is when you say it. As long as no-one else hears…" 

The copy ninja smiled at the blush that was once again creeping over Shikamaru's face, "Then it's our little secret," He winked, watching Shikamaru swallow.  
The younger man started to tentatively stroke his face again, something Kakashi'd never really liked. But he accepted it, recognizing how weird it must be to the other to see his face. Shikamaru touched his thumb to narrow lips. 

"You're beautiful," He breathed, "It's a shame you keep this covered up all the time…" 

Kakashi pulled away, suddenly feeling very self-conscious, "I'd really rather you didn't say that… I've already told you why, and I don't like having people tell me stuff like that…" 

"I'm sorry…" 

The silver-haired man smiled softly, "You don't have to apologize, I just wanted you to know, that's all." 

He leaned back in again, placing soft kisses along Shikamaru's jaw. The younger man moaned at the touch, unconsciously rocking his hips, causing both of them to gasp. 

"Shikamaru… I think we should probably stop this right here…" 

The Nara smirked, "We've been in this situation before, haven't we?" 

He watched as his elder nodded, before trying to push him off, "I'm not going anywhere this time, Kakashi. Not knowing you want this as much as I do…" 

The jounin flustered, whispering, "I probably want this _more_ , Shikamaru. Which is why I can't…" He looked away from him, anxious to look the other in the eyes. 

"What do you mean?" Shikamaru sounded alarmed, this was not what he'd been expecting. 

"Last time we were in this situation… You asked how long it'd been for me…" 

"You said it'd been a while, so what?" 

"It's been _years_ , Shikamaru. Years since I've been with another man. I… I could hurt you…" 

Shikamaru stayed quiet, studying the others face, "Kakashi, look at me." 

He could see his elder squeeze his eye shut, before granting his request. 

"Is that why you've been so against this?" 

"It's… part of it. Everything else was true, too." 

Shikamaru put his hands on both sides of Kakahi's face, ensuring he wouldn't look away again, "I trust you. I trust you not to hurt me," A smirk, "Apart from the inevitable, that is… I know it's gonna hurt no matter what. I also know that you can be gentle, you've proven it to me so many times over I'd have to be a real egghead not to notice. And… If you want… We could start slower…" Shikamaru looked away himself now, blushing, still holding Kakashi's face firmly in place.

The jounin didn't respond at first, waiting to see if Shikamaru had anything else to add.  
When it seemed he didn't, Kakashi slowly moved his hands, stroking Shikamaru's back, before gliding lower.

And lower, until he firmly gripped the youngster's ass. Shikamaru jolted, looking at him almost unwillingly. 

"I'm not even sure I can do that much, Shikamaru… Just holding you, kissing you… It's almost painful," He admitted softly.

"Do you really have so little faith in yourself?" 

The Nara felt the older man nod, it was barely visible and he only knew for sure because his hands were still on the man's face. He took a deep breath before leaning in, kissing soft lips.  
He'd started this kiss sweet and soft, but Kakashi immediately seemed to take charge, hungrily kissing back. His hands increased their hold, making it almost painful, but Shikamaru didn't care. He would have some bruises in the morning, so what? No-one was gonna see, anyway.

Suddenly, Kakashi relinquished his hold on him, abruptly pushing the younger man off of him, "I'm sorry…"

"Kakashi! Stop apologizing already. Every time _anything_ happens, you apologize, stop it. I don't care if you accidentally hurt me or not, I don't care that you're afraid. I care about you… I care about _feeling_ you, even if it hurts…" 

He looked his elder straight in the eye, despite feeling his blush sneak up once again. Kakashi moaned, biting his lip to try and keep still. He was rocking a little, fists clenching the sheets. 

"I just- I don't- I'm sorry… No, you're right, I should stop saying that. It's just…" 

He straightened himself, getting off the bed and putting a few steps between them. 

"Shikamaru… Promise me something…"

"Yes…?" 

"Promise me that you'll take things slow with me, that you'll stop me if I hurt you… Please?"

Dark eyes locked onto a single grey iris, "Kakashi… I can promise you I'll try. But..." He looked down at his own crotch for a second before lifting his gaze up again, a smirk on his face, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to…" 

XOXOX 

_**A/N:**_ _Cliffhanger! Yay! *sticks out tongue* I just_ _ **love**_ _cliffhangers, don't you?_


	58. Making Sure

AUTHORS NOTE: _**Still no Beta, but since you guys hate my cliffhangers so much…**_ _(oh, and I think the author's note on this one might actually be longer than the chapter… Heh… Sorry 'bout that, guys…)_

Mushy mushy, I'm writing so much mushy stuff right now... Man! I need to start thinking about who I'm going to plunge into darkness next :P 

Letsrandom321 asked me a question in the reviews that I find… _funny_ …  
How long is this story going to be… Well, honestly, I have _no_ idea. I still have plenty ideas, several arcs coming up, some of it already written out, some of it ready to write, some of it I'm still pondering over. But guys, honestly, originally this was a one-shot, eventually turned 4-parter and now… _This_. I am not very good at finishing things, although I _do_ have a pretty clear idea of where this story is going and at what point I should probably end it. I just have zero idea how many chapters it's going to take to get to that point. Before the end, this story will at least have doubled in length from its current chapter count, I hope you'll all stick with me to the end of it – whenever that will be.  
So, I'm sorry Letsrandom, but I don't have a clear idea of how long this story will be. I will do my best not to drag it out once I reach a certain point, though. And I will try not to go beyond the point where I actually have ideas to write about. It will stay as interesting as I can make it right until the very end – _Hopefully_ … It's kinda hard, since I still don't know how to finish it up. But I will figure it out in time. 

Anyway, back to the _other_ cliffhanger I left hanging, well, _one_ of them, anyway. I'm a tease, you know you love it ;)  
Hopefully Vicky won't punch Sakura – because we all know that Sakura is stronger, and I'd hate to see anything bad happen to my dear readers. Ah well, here we go!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 58: Making Sure

XOXOX

Sakura carefully laid the sunglasses on the table, looking deep into Shino's immensely dark eyes. 

Leaning over just a little closer, she closed the gap between their lips. 

He was startled, had not been expecting this. And for a moment, Shino was sure it was all an accident. Sakura must have lost her balance, or her mind, or both. 

She couldn't actually be _kissing_ him. 

But as it turned out, that was _exactly_ what she was doing. It lasted but a mere moment, and before Shino could even _begin_ to grasp what had just happened, she had already pulled away again.  
Smiling softly, Sakura let herself drop on the chair behind her. Not saying a word, but simply looking at him with those perfect, green eyes. 

"Sakura..." 

"Don't speak, not yet." 

So he remained silent as well. Unsure what to make of this unsuspected development.  
Seconds turned into minutes, and still she sat there, silently smiling up at him. 

He tried once more, "Sakura..." 

"No, Shino. Don't talk." 

He closed his eyes, uncertainty racing through his veins. Was it all an accident after all? Did she make a mistake? Had something happened while he was away? Was she upset about something? Was she taking advantage of the fact that he had asked her how she felt about him, using his feelings to steal his first kiss? 

He simply _had_ to know, "I am sorry, Sakura, but I cannot remain silent any longer. You just... _Kissed_ me." 

Her small smile turned into a huge one, "Yes, I did." 

Swallowing, he tried to steady his nerves, "Why?" 

Her answer came almost immediately, while he had expected, _feared_ , that she would hesitate, "That was the more important thing I had to do first." 

"Kiss me?" This made no sense, no sense at all. 

"Yes," She beamed at him, "Let's try that again, shall we?" 

And before he could even _try_ to formulate a reply, her lips were back again. Her hands cupping his flushed face. Shino didn't know what to do with his own hands, was afraid to touch her, to make her feel trapped. So he left them laying in his lap. 

The kiss lasted a little longer, this time. To Shino's best knowledge, at _least_ ten seconds had passed before her lips left his again. She kept her hands on his face though, and he found it increasingly difficult not feel too awkward about that. 

Finally, she spoke, "Shino, I'm still not completely sure yet. Or... That's not right, I _wasn't._ Not until just now. But..." She smiled again, that adorable smile that made him week in the knees and hard in the groin, "Can I kiss you again?" 

XOXOX

Iruka was bright-red, panting. Laying on his back, his limbs sprawled out in all directions, he moaned. 

_This did not just happen. Tell me this did not just happen.  
I did __**not**_ _just jerk off to the picture of another man.  
_

_Even though he's hot...  
_

_No, no, no! I can't think that way! He's... A_ _ **he.**_ _I'm not... Aren't I, though?  
I mean... That just really __**did**_ _happen...  
_

_I really_ _ **did**_ _jerk off to a hot guy.  
In a porn magazine.  
That's the bad part.  
Not the guy, he's hot.  
_

_I think it's about time I admit that to myself... I kinda like thinking about hot guys.  
Which would make me gay, but... I also like thinking about hot woman. So...  
That should probably mean I like both, right?  
_

_I guess I do... I'm pretty sure of it, actually...  
It's just...How would I even... I mean, with a woman it's just as simple as putting it in, I suppose... But a guy... That's got to be different, right?  
_

_I wonder what sex with a guy is like... I suppose I could ask Kakashi about it...  
_

Iruka winced as he felt his body react to the mental image of his close friend, there was no question the jounin looked good, and now that Iruka had finally admitted that _this_ part of him existed, too... 

_I probably shouldn't... I don't think I'll be able to face him any time soon...  
_

XOXOX

When Sakura's lips connected with his, Shino decided he wasn't just going to hold still anymore. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled the girl forward until she was sitting on his lap, her legs straddling him. 

He'd forgotten about one little detail though, and as she slid further forward, pressing herself up against him, the Aburame moaned at the contact. 

She took advantage of his parted lips, deftly slipping her tongue inside.  
He moaned again at the strange sensation, suddenly feeling awkward in his own loudness. But as her tongue first brushed past his own, such insecurities were quickly pushed aside as he was no longer the only one moaning into their kiss. 

When they eventually pulled away from each other, gasping for air, she remained on his lap. Unknowingly shooting all kinds of sensations through his trembling body. 

"Sakura..." 

"Shino..." 

They didn't really need more words, these were enough. And as she laid her head to rest on his shoulder, Shino decided that however much it had hurt, Sakura had been well worth the wait. 

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Yes, I know, very short again. But honestly… Yeah, I have no defense, heh… Sorry guys!  
Oh and, Letsrandom321, does this answer your __**other**_ _question at least? The one about Iruka?_


	59. A Word Even More Powerful

AUTHORS NOTE _ **: I tweaked the spacing thing a bit… -xxx- just means I'm switching POV, I thought it was a bit hard to follow otherwise, so…  
**_ _Cherry is still off Beta- duty, so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.  
_

Oh, and after _this_ chapter, the spoiler in the latest chapter of the side notes is no longer considered to be a spoiler, so if you were waiting for that, you can just go ahead and read it now ^.^ 

Anyway, American Ace, here's another part of the cliffhanger, yay! I love this…  
Again, though… _short_ … Just felt wrong to stick more words under it, so… Yeah…  
Vicky, you said something about liking them as friends… You mad, now? ^.^ 

And this is the point where I stop annoying you with the cliffhangers, well… _Sorta_. I could of course have made everything one _huge_ chapter, but – well, that wouldn't be my style, now would it?  
Anyway, we're back at Kakashi's place, and will stay here for a few more chapters to come. Everyone who's thinking about Sakura and Shino, or Iruka, or still wondering whatever happened with Izumo and Kotetsu, or wants to see Tsunade, Shikaku or Shizune – to _all_ of you I say, _tough luck._ Lol ^.^

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 59: A Word Even More Powerful

"Promise me that you'll take things slow with me, that you'll stop me if I hurt you… Please?" 

Dark eyes locked onto a single grey iris, "Kakashi… I can promise you I'll try. But..." He looked down at his own crotch for a second before lifting his gaze up again, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to…"

-xxx-

The older man smirked, trailing his gaze down the young body before him. Shikamaru's clothes had become disheveled, as had his hair. There was still blood on his lip, now swollen from the kisses they'd shared.  
And yet… _Somehow_ … All of that only made him look sexier, even older.

 _Older… That's a dangerous thought, right there. I still can't believe I'm actually considering this – No wait, not considering…_ _ **Doing**_ _. I actually plan on_ _ **doing**_ _this. Doing_ _ **him**_ _…  
Oh god…  
_

He took a small step back, leaning against his desk as he tried to sort through his thoughts, 

_I_ _ **want**_ _to, oh dear lord I want to. Not just to fuck_ _ **someone**_ _, I want to fuck_ _ **him**_ _.  
I want everything he wants. Maybe more… Would he ever even be able to accept an old guy like me as anything else than a close friend, a fuck buddy maybe? Damn, I can't allow myself to go there! I just can't. Didn't I say I was never going down this road again? It hurts too much, I can't deal with it. Couldn't then, still can't now. End of discussion.  
_

_But it's_ _ **not**_ _the end of the discussion… Before… Those were straight guys, none of them ever tried to kiss_ _ **me**_ _, it was always the other way around. Okay, Shikamaru_ _ **didn't**_ _try to kiss me, he tried to fuck me… Doesn't that mean even more, though?  
_

_But a kiss is personal, a fuck is… A fuck. A good one perhaps, but still…  
_

_But he kissed back! And he started this whole thing, and he kissed me back!  
_

_No. No! I can't go there! It's not going to wo-  
_

"Kakashi…?" A warm hand was placed on his arm, "Kakashi, please tell me you're alright. Please… I didn't mean to push you into this, I swear! Just… Please tell me what you're thinking right now…" 

"I'm thinking that I fell for you…" It was just a murmur.  
 _He couldn't have heard, could he? Please tell me you didn't hear me!_

-xxx- 

He watched as his friend took another step away from him, only to lean against the desk. 

_He's just trying to wrap his head around it. Relax. It's been years, right? And he's so focused on not wanting to hurt me… For all I know he's working on his game plan or something… That could be fun.  
But didn't he just tell me he doesn't like to take charge? Although he did, just now.  
_

A light frown appeared on the Nara's face as he saw Kakashi cover his mouth with one hand, looking distraught. 

_Okay._ _ **That**_ _is_ _ **not**_ _good. That's his 'I really need a smoke because I'm about to flip out again' face._

Quickly, he got up, closing the distance between them in just one step, "Kakashi…?" 

The lack of response caused him to place a hand on the man's arm, "Kakashi, please tell me you're alright. Please… I didn't mean to push you into this, I swear! Just… Please tell me what you're thinking right now…" 

_**Please**_ _don't go freaking out on me again… I can't stand to see you like that…  
_

"I'm thinking that I fell for you…" Shikamaru had to strain his ears to hear him, but he heard it nonetheless. 

_You_ _ **what**_ _? No way. Is… Are you…  
_

"Seriously?"

-xxx-

"Seriously?" 

_He heard me, oh dear lord, he heard me… This is bad, this is really, really bad!  
_

"Because… Kakashi, I…" 

_No! Got to cut him off, can't hear that!  
_

"Forget it. It's… It's nothing, I was just a little lost in thought. Don't think about it."

-xxx-

 _Don't think about it? Dude, I_ _ **want**_ _to think about it… But, does that mean you don't…?  
_

"Kakashi…" 

"I _said_ , never mind. Alright?!" 

_Did I just do something to piss him off? Forget it, I'm not letting this slide, no way in hell am I letting this slide!  
_

"I _do_ mind. I mind that you say it's nothing. I mind that you say I shouldn't think about it because honestly – _Honestly_ , Kakashi, _look at me_! I'm trying to talk here… That's better, now, I _want_ to think about it because lately I've been trying _not_ to think about it and that didn't exactly work out for me.  
So I need you to tell me one more time: What were you just thinking?"

-xxx-

He swallowed, _This shouldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening… Am I going crazy again? Is all of this in my head?  
It should be. This is impossible… But, if it's all in my head, I might as well play it out… Maybe get some __**nice**_ _dreamtime in for a change, so far it's been pretty damn good…_

"I was thinking… I was thinking that… That I… I fell for you," He ended weakly, not able to make his voice sound clear even _if_ this was nothing but a dream.

"That's what I wanted to hear. Now I've got something you'll probably want to hear…" 

Shikamaru stood on his toes, wrapping his hands around the his neck, whispering in his ear like he'd done before. 

"I fell for you, too." 

XOXOX

 _So he's staying over at Kakashi's_ _ **again**_ _, tonight. He's always over there nowadays… I'm starting to wonder what those two_ _ **talk**_ _about day after day.  
So they both like men, but there's only so much you can say about that, right? I can understand maybe Kakashi giving my son some pointers, even if I __**really**_ _don't want to think about that, but, really… How long can you actually keep talking about that?  
With a __**teenager,**_ _nonetheless…  
Kakashi, what are you thinking keeping my son over there all the time? I know you're a good guy, I know you wouldn't hurt him. I know you'll keep your distance, I've seen it.  
So what's on your mind?  
Tsunade sent you on a mission, but was that even a good idea? Were you ready?  
I kind of wish we could've talked before you left…  
_

Shikaku walked over to the kitchen, deciding he needed a cup of tea. As he filled the kettle and put it on the stove, his thoughts returned to the silver-haired shinobi. 

_It wasn't even so long ago he broke down, right here. He was sitting in that chair, Shikamaru next to him. I was sitting over there…  
I don't think I've ever seen a man so thoroughly break down before… And I've seen my fair share of collapsing men. I have. Too many of them. It's a harsh life we're living…  
Still… I never thought something so… Private, would be the trigger for any of us. Never thought being gay could prove to be such a stressor.  
Actually… I've never thought about the possibility of any of my comrades being gay. Nor my own son.  
But apparently, I've missed a couple things. He seems to be very sure of it, and who am I to decide who he can and cannot fall in love with?  
Who am I to tell him to find a wife anyway?  
He is my heir, still… I can't very well force him to give up his life like that.  
Shikamaru… I'm sorry that I've made this so hard on you. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't tell me. I'm sorry you needed to drag your friend over here just to help you pluck up the courage to tell me such a thing.  
I'm sorry I hurt Kakashi, too. I should have been gentler.  
Is that even possible, though? I was so careful. So mindful of the sensitivity of the subject, and he still cracked.  
_

The man smiled wryly. 

_That could have been my son in a couple more years… I guess in a way I should be thankful to Kakashi for breaking when he did…  
No, not for breaking. He already told Shikamaru before… I should be grateful for his existence, for his courage. I think I should be thankful that my son isn't the only one who's gay.  
_

The kettle whistled, and Shikamaru poured the boiling water into the cup he'd set out while musing.  
Taking his cup with him to the kitchen table, he sat down in that same chair he'd been sitting in that faithful night. 

_Thankful that Kakashi is, too. I'd much rather it be that guy than any of the countless other options.  
After all, who knows who else is hiding this from the world. No, I should be thankful it was Kakashi. Thankful that they somehow found a reason to talk about it.  
_

_But I'm not exactly happy about him being over there all the time.  
_

_He's in love with the man, I'd have to be a total idiot not to notice. It used to be Asuma… That was… Safer, I guess. Asuma would never… Kakashi, however…  
No, I know the guy is respectable. I know he'll keep enough distance between them, I shouldn't even be thinking about this. It's not fair to him.  
To either of them.  
_

He picked up his cup, blowing on the scalding hot tea. 

_But Shikamaru… He's fifteen. He's bound to be curious, right? So… Will he ask Kakashi about it?  
What would that guy tell him? Will he go into details? God, I hope not.  
Shikamaru is still so innocent.  
_

Suddenly, a crack appeared in the cup, before it exploded. 

_**Damnit!**_ _Ouch…  
Is that supposed to be a bad sign, or something? Don't they say that if your cup breaks when you think about someone that they're in trouble?  
No. It's just a stupid superstition.  
Shikamaru is fine, he's with Kakashi, safe.  
Kakashi would never take advantage of him. Would never allow my son to take advantage of him either.  
Shikamaru is safe.  
_

_I hope…  
_

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _I dunno, I just thought it would be perfect if Shikaku was musing about things like this, while, across town… Well…_


	60. Past The Point Of No Return

AUTHORS NOTE: Yes, people, I'm taking this slow – so sue me! Haha, no, this just feels right. Or… Right _ish_ :P 

Hey there, all you voyeuristic perverts can just go grab yourselves some popcorn and maybe a couple of clean towels ;) Because the wait is _finally_ over… The yoai I promised you all in the description is finally about to commence, yay! And it only took me about 60 chapters to get the two of them together, so _fast_! *gasps, then giggles, then topples over* Right, I had some uploading to do… 

Oh and, thank you American Ace for the hot blush that is now residing on my cheeks thanks to your compliment ^.^  
 **  
**

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 60: Past The Point Of No Return

XOXOX

Shikamaru was leaning his head against Kakashi's chest, hands gripping the other's shirt tightly.  
He was shivering – they both were. The words they'd spoken not minutes ago shaking their entire existence.

"Kakashi?" It felt weird to us his name, but weirder still not to. He could feel the man hum, encouraging him to go on, "I-I only need you more, now…" It couldn't even be called a whisper, but somehow the man understood.

"I know, same here," Kakashi's voice was hoarse, to the point of being unrecognizable, "Shikamaru… Take off your pants and go sit on the bed. Now." 

His voice almost scared the Nara, if only for a second. But when he looked up, he saw the same hunger, the same need _he_ felt mirrored in unmatched eyes.  
"You ditched your hitai'ite." 

"I don't need it, and it could be uncomfortable for you," The copy ninja's voice was warm again, the need still very much present, but no longer dominant. 

"Uncomfortable?" He quirked one eyebrow. 

"Cold," A slight push toward the bed, barely noticeable. 

As Shikamaru sat down, he felt awkwardly exposed, the way Kakashi swallowed as he looked at him didn't help much, either.  
He was about to say something when, suddenly, his elder dropped to his knees before him,"Tell me you want this one more time, Shikamaru. I _need_ your permission."

The young man was breathing heavily, eyes lidded. For a moment, Kakashi wasn't sure he'd even heard him, "Yes… I want this, I need you," A breathless whisper, but it was enough.

He gently placed his hands on the inside of tanned thighs, pushing them apart a little further.  
Softly stroking the cock before him, he felt Shikamaru shudder. No other person in the world had ever seen the Nara like this, touched him, and it made the man feel humble.  
He gripped tight for a moment, running his thumb across the length of the shaft, eliciting a moan that sounded like heaven.  
He looked up to make eye contact, licking his lips –intentions clear. 

Leaning over, he slowly took in the tip of Shikamaru's member, flicking his tongue to lick the pre-cum off, making Shikamaru moan again. For a moment, Kakashi was completely overwhelmed by the sounds and the taste of his lover, and could do absolutely nothing but bask in their glory. 

When he regained his bearings, he started to slowly kiss his way from the base to the tip, feeling shivers shoot through the young man on the bed. Wrapping one hand around the throbbing erection, Kakashi slowly took Shikamaru's length in, deeper and deeper. The Nara was panting above him, unable to keep his posture as his lover softly applied some suction.

He was writhing, moaning and eventually screaming Kakashi's name as the convulsions ravaged his young body. 

For Kakashi, it was over way too soon, feeling the convulsions start, filling his mouth with that enticing nectar.  
Shikamaru fell back on the bed, shuddering, screaming – " _ **Kakashi!**_ _"_

He couldn't remember _anyone_ ever screaming his name before, and it was the voice that pushed him over the edge.  
Still fully clothed, without a single touch, Kakashi came. And he came hard.

XOXOX

"Well… That was… Embarrassing…" The Nara pushed himself back into a sitting position, still breathing heavily. His face was bright-red as he tried his best not to look at the older man still between his legs. 

" _You're_ embarrassed? I just came to you screaming my name…" 

"Seriously…?" Shikamaru couldn't help but laugh a little, Kakashi sounded so incredibly _adorable_ when he was embarrassed. 

"Seriously. Do I need to prove it?" The older man raised one eyebrow, looking his lover in the eyes as a small smile played across his face. 

His junior unconsciously licked his lips, "I wouldn't mind…" 

But instead of granting Shikamaru's sexy request, he reached up to cup the young face, pulling it down just a little to place a soft kiss on Shikamaru's lips. The young man moaned, pushing his tongue out in a fervent attempt to get into the other's mouth.  
Kakashi smiled against his lips, before granting him access, still smiling. 

As Shikamaru's tongue slipped past thin lips, he almost gasped. Hesitantly, he began mapping Kakashi's mouth once more, surprised by what he found.  
After a little while, the silver-haired man retreated, whispering, "That's you." 

"That's…?" 

He nodded, "Yes, Cuteness, that's your taste," He softly stroked the young man's wilted member, feeling it react to his touch. 

Rising up, the man moved to sit beside his young lover, wrapping his arm around him and resting his head on the Nara's shoulder.  
Shikamaru leaned his own head against his elder's silver mane, "You know… Something about this doesn't seem fair…" 

He couldn't see the older man's naughty smile as he replied, "What do you mean?" 

"You just got a good look at me –" 

"And a good taste," Kakashi's smile was audible now. 

"That too… But… " He bit his lip, suddenly feeling embarrassed again. 

Kakashi's hand lifted the youngsters shirt, fingers tracing soft circles on the bare skin of Shikamaru's stomach, "You want to see, too." 

"Yes…" 

The older man smiled at him lazily, "Easily arranged. But in that case, I vote we both take it all off…" 

"Yeah," Kakashi never saw the wicked grin on his lover's face, "But first…" He quickly turned, setting his hands against Kakashi's shoulders, pushing him back on the bed.  
His left knee resting on the bed while his right leg slipped in between Kakashi's, foot resting on the floor. He lay himself atop the other man, brutally attacking his lover's lips with his own.  
Kakashi's lips immediately parted and he moaned into the kiss, his hands roaming over his lover's back. 

Shikamaru's approach was pretty straightforward, plunging his tongue in the moment Kakashi opened up to him, he dominated the kiss.  
He pressed his leg against the older man's growing erection, slowly shifting, massaging Kakashi's groin. His hands touched every inch of Kakashi they could reach, sending shivers of pleasure through the man writhing under him. 

They finally broke apart, gasping, and Shikamaru buried his face in the crook of Kakashi's neck. 

"Wow," The copy ninja panted, "That was… incredible… Oh my _god_ , Shikamaru…" 

The other smirked against his neck, "Thought you'd like that…" 

Kakashi groaned, "Hell yeah..."  
Suddenly bucking his hips, he moaned before continuing, "Loverboy, you have to get off me. There's no way I can get to the zipper like this…" 

The Nara pushed himself up, connecting his leg to Kakashi's groin again as he did so, " _Loverboy_?" He raised one eyebrow, amusement written all over his face as he looked at the man panting on the bed. He wiggled his leg again, making Kakashi moan. 

"Not cute… Now, but… So… So _damn_ sexy," He moaned again, arching his back as Shikamaru's leg shifted again, "Please… I need… _Ah_ … Please, just…" 

Shikamaru felt tempted to torture the man a little longer, but even though he showed himself confident, he really wasn't. And the thought that he might anger Kakashi if he didn't stop now crossed his mind, scaring him. So he rolled to his right, laying on his back with his legs wide – not realizing how revealing this position actually was. 

Heavily panting, Kakashi looked over to his left. His young lover's eyes were closed, hands folded behind his head.  
As the silver-haired man moved to get up, one of Shikamaru's eyes opened, "You okay?" 

It didn't sound like much, and _certainly_ didn't sound like the young man beside him was afraid of anything. But Kakashi knew better. He knew the insecurities that plagued the genius' mind better than anyone, so he leaned over, letting his lips brush past the Nara's as he whispered, "Not okay, _amazing_. Thank you." 

He placed a soft kiss on Shikamaru's lips before getting up, making short work of his 'offending' clothes and kicking them to the side.  
The Nara was watching him through thick eyelashes, obviously _trying_ to be inconspicuous, but failing the task completely. 

The copy ninja sat back down on the bed, facing the other man.  
He let his fingers softly glide along the underside of Shikamaru's full erection, making the Nara jolt up. Eyes wide, he stared at Kakashi blindly for a moment. 

"I just thought I'd help you up," The older man said innocently, giving away a soft smile. 

"That… How…?" 

Kakashi ignored his stuttering for the time being, grabbing the hem of the Nara's shirt and pulling up. The younger man immediately helped him out, allowing the copy ninja to toss the shirt to the side. 

Leaning back over, he gently blew in Shikamaru's ear, "I just happen to know a few tricks, is all. Just enjoy yourself, that's all I want." 

Shikamaru moaned loudly, pulling back a little to allow himself time to pull his thoughts back together. When he looked back at his lover, there was an intense look in his eyes, but he didn't speak. Instead, he let his eyes roam the body displayed before him. 

Kakashi's posture was just as revealing as his own had been, and he didn't try to hide, either.  
Still, this visual examination was slightly daunting for the older man, and as soon as Shikamaru realized the other's discomfort, he looked away again, mumbling an apology. 

"It's alright. As you pointed out earlier, I've already had ample time to enjoy the view… It's just… A little nerve-wracking. I'm not exactly used to this either…" 

"I know… I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" 

Kakashi grabbed his chin, gently forcing the Nara to look at him, "Shikamaru, I'm not uncomfortable, not really, because it's you. I've never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life."  
He saw the younger man's eyes widen, saw the blush creep up, heard the whispered 'Me too,' and couldn't stop himself from leaning in for a long, languid kiss.  
When they broke apart, he let his hand drop, but continued to stare into those deep, dark eyes. Taking care to keep left eye closed so as not to accidentally activate it's hidden jutsu.  
"Shikamaru," He spoke softly, unwilling to break the silence between them, but needing to know, "What do you want?" 

The Nara looked away again, feeling embarrassed despite himself. But his voice was steady, albeit throaty as he spoke, "I still want the same as before. I want you to _take_ me, Kakashi. I…" He couldn't finish the sentence, biting his lip in frustration over his own awkwardness. 

He could hear Kakashi sigh as he softly stroked the younger man's leg, "I really shouldn't… But… I want to, too." 

Shikamaru allowed his body to slide to the side, resting his slender frame against Kakashi's, whispering, "By this point it's safe to assume I'm staying over anyway, no-one's gonna come looking either."

"I know," Having his ear against the older man's bare chest as he spoke felt soothing, Shikamaru wished he could do this every day, "It's not about that, though…" 

"You calling me a kid again?" Disappointment laced the young Nara's words, his pain obvious, "After-" 

"No," He spoke firmly, wrapping his arms around the younger body, "I'm not calling you a kid, or too young. Even if you are, we've passed the point of no return quite a while ago. No, I'm… I'm still scared I'll hurt you…" He added softly. 

He could feel the Nara shrug as he rested his chin upon the dark locks. 

"I already said I trust you. And you know I can take the pain… I just don't know what more you want from me…" 

"I want you to tell me you'll keep your promise, I want you to tell me if I hurt you." 

"Kakashi…" 

"I'm serious… You know why I ask," His tone was soft, and Shikamaru could hear the embarrassment it contained. Kakashi really was _so_ afraid he'd hurt him that the man was trembling. 

"I promise."


	61. First Times

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay… People, this thing, this _whole_ freakin chapter is straight-up smut. Pure yaoi. You no like? You no read. It's _technically_ skippable. :P Though… If you _really_ don't like this sort of thing… You're going to have some 'issues' along the way. Besides, I already promised you yaoi in the description, didn't I? 

So yes, this is the _**second**_ chapter I'm uploading _**today.**_ Just because I felt like it, and also because I'm currently writing so far ahead of my uploaded chapters it's not even funny anymore… 

_**Still no Beta from Cherry**_ _– deal with it._

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 61: First Times 

XOXOX

Shikamaru moaned as gentle fingers teased around his entrance. The young Nara found himself on his back, naked, in the jounin's bed.  
He couldn't believe this was actually happening right now, but reality was quickly sinking in with every delighted sound his skilled lover drew out of him. He was excited, and a little bit scared, too. Kakashi had gotten so worked up about not wanting to hurt him that it'd gotten to his nerves.  
But the fear was quickly dissipating as the sensations grew increasingly amazing with every passing second. Kakashi was taking this very slow, and that was absolutely fine by him. 

He opened his eyes to look at the man breathing heavily above him, and couldn't hold back a smirk at how new and weird this position felt.  
He was naked, and there was another man – _naked_ – who was touching him in places he'd never been touched before, while leaning over him. Looking at him. And Shikamaru loved it. 

"What's so funny?" Kakashi all but stilled his hand for a moment to help the young man in his bed remember how to speak. 

"I was just… Thinking, how weird it feels to have this gorgeous guy be naked with me and touch me and making me love it so much that I can hardly breathe." 

Kakashi leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lover's lips, "We're going to talk about that 'gorgeous' part some other time. Right now, I'm going to make your world spin." 

And he did. 

Just as Kakashi said those words, Shikamaru could feel one finger slip inside him.  
His eyes scrunched tight, his back arched and he really thought he might just come right then and there. 

Which would be embarrassing – if such a thing would exist during sex with Kakashi Hatake. And Shikamaru was pretty sure it didn't. 

A part of him tried to wiggle away from that intruding digit, even though it felt so good. He rolled over to his side, pressing his face against Kakashi's chest as his body tried to curl itself into a little ball. It felt increasingly weird as the Nara was very much aware of his lover's arm, wedged in between his own legs.  
When the older man slowly extracted his finger, Shikamaru's soft whimper was drowned out by a sucking, wet sound. 

And the young man suddenly realized there _was_ such a thing as being embarrassed during sex with Kakashi Hatake. 

His cheeks burning, he pressed his face even harder against his lover's muscular chest. 

"It's alright, Cuteness, it's okay," The copy ninja pulled his arm back before softly stroking the younger man's back – leaving a trail of lube behind, "Just take a moment, Babe, nothing to be ashamed about." 

"Yeah, right," The Nara snickered. 

"Right, _nothing_ to be ashamed about. It's new, Sweety, and it's a lot to take in –" 

"Feeling confident, are we?" Shikamaru smirked up at him, making the older man replay his own words in his mind. 

"Oh _my_ , have I corrupted you, Cuteness?" 

"Definitely," He smirked again, before burying his face against Kakashi's chest again, "You corrupted me to the point where I want you to start playing with my ass again…" 

Kakashi smiled, placing a light kiss atop his lover's head, "Your wish is my command." 

As he tried to work his hand around his slender lover, the young man in question rolled over a little, until he laid on his stomach. Instinctively – It must be right? He'd never done this before – he raised his hips in the air, while pressing his chest into the mattress. 

Shikamaru realized that there _was_ such a thing as being embarrassed during sex with Kakashi Hatake, but there was also the knowledge that he'd never make fun of you for something like that. 

As Kakashi started touching him again, he moaned. Now that he'd felt him inside, he didn't want his lover to play around anymore.  
But he couldn't string the words together, could only moan at his lover's touch. 

Somehow, Kakashi seemed to understand, though, "Nice and slow, Cuteness. I know you want more, but I want to make sure you're ready for that. And besides," He let his fingers wander, brushing against the sensitive skin in between Shikamaru's entrance and his balls, "I'm enjoying this way too much." 

The older man chuckled at his lover's gasps, Shikamaru had obviously never experienced sensations like this before.  
But as the surprised gasps stilled, the moans became increasingly impatient. 

"Stop… Messing around… Back there…" 

"Oh, I will, Cuteness, I will." 

Moving back up, one finger entered Shikamaru again, making the younger man gasp. For a moment, his hips bucked violently, undecided between moving away or taking him in further.  
Kakashi remained still, waiting for his lover to relax again.  
When he did, the older man slowly pulled out a little, thrusting back in. Again he stilled as his younger lover trembled. 

"Oh god…" 

Kakashi smiled, delighting in Shikamaru's sounds, the feel of his virgin body.  
Slowly, ever so slowly he started working up a pace, taking care to listen for any signs of discomfort on his lover's part. But it became clear that there was no discomfort as Shikamaru begged him to go faster, moving his hips to thrust back against the older man. 

Smiling again, he complied. And for a while, the room was filled with Shikamaru's moans and panted screams. He sure was loud… Not that Kakashi cared, the walls may be thin here, but there weren't many neighbors in this old building; the reason he'd moved here in the first place.  
When he pulled out again, his lover whimpered. Kakashi chuckled. Shikamaru was just _too_ cute. 

"I want you to look at me, Cuteness." 

He helped the other turn back on his back. Looking into beautiful, dark, lust glazed eyes, he teased around Shikamaru's entrance again for a few seconds. Before sliding two fingers inside.  
Hips bucked again, and the Nara's eyes fell shut, while he moaned in pleasure.  
Suddenly, his eyes flew open again, looking up in Kakashi's mismatched pair. Realizing this, the older man quickly closed his left eye, not wanting any funky stuff to disrupt this perfect moment. 

"Move, Kakashi! I can't… _Ah!"_

He'd moved. Almost chuckling as the younger man writhed, yelling all sorts of things, really.  
Obscenities, his lover's name, and a lot of 'Fuck' and 'Yeah'. 

But Kakashi tried not to get distracted by it, these wonderful sounds would only keep going if he did as well. By the time he'd gotten back up to his earlier pace, he slowly opened his fingers a little, starting to scissor them. The sounds this drew out were even more delighting, and Kakashi found himself struggling to concentrate on the task at hand. 

Soon enough he found his young lover to be ready for the third finger to be added. But by now the anticipation was getting to the older man, swallowing hard, he tried to keep his patience. Knowing just how much he would hurt his love if he started hurrying. So he paced himself, drawing out adding his third finger until he'd calmed himself down. 

Shikamaru was looking up at him, a sort of half-understanding in his eyes, as proven by the fact that even though his body was begging, he didn't say it. Didn't tell him to hurry, didn't tell him he needed more. He smirked, though, "You enjoying yourself?" 

"Why yes, Cuteness, I am. You?" The question was sincere, even if it was phrased almost jokingly. 

The Nara simply smiled, moaning as inside him, something shifted direction, "Oh yeah… Definat- _Oh god!_ " 

Kakashi chuckled, it was fun to catch his lover off guard. Adding in another digit mid-sentence had been too tempting. But he stilled them immediately, because the young man clearly needed to adjust to this. His eyes scrunched tight again, one hand sought Kakashi's. The hand that was supporting the older man was suddenly squeezed hard, as his young lover tried to adjust to the slightly unsettling feeling. Kakashi calmly waited, knowing this would only take some time. 

"Oh god… Didn't expect that…" Shimakaru smirked at him again, "This might take a little more time than I first thought…" 

"It's okay, Sweety, we've got time, just tell me what to do." 

He watched as Shikamaru swallowed, trying to catch his breath. The death grip on his hand was slowly released, though the tanned hand still rested atop his own, paler one. 

"Move." 

"You sure?" He really didn't want to hurt him, and they really _did_ have time. 

But the other nodded, biting his lip to refrain from moving himself. So Kakashi slowly pulled out a little, before, equally slow, thrusting back in again.  
The face he loved so much scrunched up again, the hand gripped tighter. But the _sounds_ …  
Oh god, that man sounded like _heaven_! 

"Don't stop, please… I… This feels good, just… Please don't stop…" 

What other choice was there? Still going slow, he kept moving. Watching the younger face intently as slowly, Shikamaru relaxed again. He got louder again, too.  
So he picked up the pace once more. Until… 

"Kakashi… Stop this, I want _you_ , please…" 

Closing both eyes for a second, the silver-haired man swallowed. He pulled his fingers back, leaning over to first give his lover a soft kiss, mumbling against his lips, "You'll tell me, right? Don't let me hurt you." 

Shikamaru wrapped his arms around him, returning the kiss with passion before whispering in his lover's ear, "I promised, right? Don't make me wait any longer, Babe, please. I want you inside me." 

For a moment longer, Kakashi nuzzled against his lovers neck, his body trembling.  
But then he moved back a little, grabbing the condom he'd collected together with the lube. 

"Do you need that?" 

"Would you rather I didn't use one?" His tone was serious, but also soft. 

Shikamaru nodded, biting his lip again.  
For a second, Kakashi's gaze rested upon his lover's face, seemingly pondering. 

"There's no need… But…" 

"Then don't." 

He smiled, softly shaking his head before discarding the condom. Moving down a little, he lifted the legs he'd been dreaming of for too long, settling them on his hips as he slid his own legs under the other man. He took a calming breath, placing his tip against Shikamaru's entrance. 

Looking the other directly in the eyes, he gently pushed in, just a little.  
The younger man gasped, clenching his fists and squeezing his eyes tight once more. But after a few seconds he opened them again, offering him a quaky smile, "You weren't exaggerating…" He took another shaky breath, "Go." 

Waiting a few more moments, he studied his lover's face, but he'd promised to tell him if he went too fast, so Kakashi decided to leave it up to him.  
Pushing in ever so slowly, he moaned at the contact, unable to keep quiet as the emotions crashed over him like a wave. 

Not only was this the first time in years, this was the first time he was doing this with someone he cared about, someone he _loved._ Never before had Kakashi felt the need to look his partner in the eyes, never before had he cared much about hurting them. But he did now. 

Their eyes locked, both men moaned, panted together.  
When finally, he was all the way in, Kakashi stilled. No matter how hard it was not to move, he would wait. Wait until Shikamaru told him he could move. 

He could see his lover bite his lip, hands bunching up the sheets. But Shikamaru never closed his eyes as he waited for the initial pain to subside. 

XOXOX

Shikamaru knew he wasn't ready yet, but somehow he felt like he'd waited too long already, opening his mouth to tell Kakashi to just _go_ , assuming the pain would go away eventually anyway.  
But Kakashi cut him off before he even had a chance to say anything. 

"Just wait, take your time, Precious. Take all the time you need." 

Moaning softly, he tried to formulate a reply, "Just… I can –" 

"No, Sweety, take your time. There's no hurry, and you don't have to force yourself for me. I'd rather pull back completely than hurt you right now," His lover stroked one of his legs, calming him, whispering soothing words, patiently waiting, "There's no pressure, Love, just take your time…" 

Kakashi tried to calm him down as best he could. He'd seen the flash of a decision come over Shikamaru's face, realizing his lover was about to compromise himself for _him_.  
Knowing that if Shikamaru spoke, gave him permission, he wouldn't be able to hold back, the older man had immediately cut him off, calming him, soothing him. Repeating the same words over and over again. It wasn't so much the words themselves that meant anything anyway, it was the tone, the patience. He knew that. So he remained patient.  
Not hurting Shikamaru was the first thing on his mind, and as such, Kakashi ignored his instinct to move, to pound into the willing body surrounding him. 

Eventually, the pain really _did_ fade, and Shikamaru unconsciously licked his lips. Relaxing his hold on the sheets.  
He looked up at the man he loved, waiting a little longer, until he couldn't stand it any longer. 

"Move." 

"Absolutely sure?" 

" _Move!_ " 

That was Kakashi's weak spot, right there, getting bossed around in the bedroom.  
And, Shikamaru certainly _seemed_ to be sure.  
Besides, he was pretty sure he wouldn't hold out for much longer, anyway. 

"Your wish is my command, Loverboy." 

And he moved.  
Good _god_ , this felt so amazing. 

He immediately reigned himself in again, though. If he let loose now, all the patience from before would be wasted.  
Slow and steady, that was all he was going to do. 

But this felt _so_ incredible. So _unbelievably_ fantastic. Almost unreal. 

After sliding back in, he stilled again for a moment, "This good?" He was panting, unable to form a complete sentence, but it seemed the Nara was off even worse. Opening his mouth, only to pant even harder, he closed it again. Instead nodding, he was positively glowing under him, delight on his face, mixed in with but a little pain. 

Before Kakashi moved again, though, his lover _did_ manage some words, "I love you," He breathed. 

"I love you, too." 

After that, Kakashi basically lost all connection to reality.  
He was still careful not to hurt his lover, but no longer completely aware of anything, only the sensations remained. The feel of Shikamaru's tight walls around him, the sounds his lover made, the sight of the most beautiful person in the world. Kakashi lost himself in all of that. 

Without conscious decision, he took Shikamaru's length in his hand, matching the pace of his hips.  
He could feel his lover's orgasm approaching, knowing his own was still a ways off. It didn't matter. 

But as Shikamaru's walls clamped down on him, the young man screaming his name, Kakashi felt himself being swept away, hurled into his own climax.  
Collapsing, he sealed his lips to Shikamaru's, swallowing his cries in a sloppy kiss. 

XOXOX

Shikamaru still felt dazed, but as he felt Kakashi slowly slip out, he grabbed the older man in a tight hug. 

"Don't, stay." 

Feeling his lover chuckle was still one of the best feelings in the world, and he delighted in it regardless of his own daze. 

"Cute, but that's not really possible…" 

Both men moaned as their bodies severed the most intimate bond Shikamaru had ever experienced.  
Sighing, he shifted to rest his head on Kakashi's chest. The man had laid himself down beside him, and was now softly stroking his hair, "Are you alright?" There was a hint of worry in his voice, apparently he was _still_ afraid of hurting him. 

Shikamaru hugged himself a little tighter to his lover, "Perfectly," He yawned, "Tired though…" 

He could feel the chuckle well up again, "Then sleep," Kakashi placed a soft kiss on the top of his head. 

Nestling up to his lover, he hummed a little, "Hmmm…Safe…" 

This called forth another chuckle, "Yes, you're safe. I love you, Shikmaru." 

But the younger man had already drifted off to sleep…


	62. I Love You

AUTHORS NOTE: I put a lot of effort into coming up with Kakashi's specialty here, also incorporating his and Shika's fav dishes. I hope you guys think it sounds as good as I do… (seriously, someone make me this) 

So, here´s another ( **Beta-less** ) chappy, figured I'd give this to you before I leave for the day. Though I kinda was expecting a few more reactions to the last chapter… Hmmm, Shikamaru losing his virginity is not such a big deal to you folks, eh? Then what is, I wonder… Maybe… 'I love you'? 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 62: I Love You

XOXOX

Shikamaru woke up between the sheets of Kakashi´s bed – _naked.  
_ For about two seconds, he wondered what the hell happened to make him end up like that, but then a happy smile crept over the Nara's face. 

"You're up," Kakashi spoke softly, he was standing in the doorway, wearing absolutely nothing but an old, faded pair of uniform pants. 

Shikamaru's smile only got wider when he saw the man he loved standing before him, with so little cover, "That really happened, didn't it?" His voice, too, was very soft. 

Kakashi sauntered over to the bed, dropping himself to sit beside the young man, leaning in to whisper, "Yes, is that okay?" 

He studied the Nara's face intently, and a smile broke out when the younger one nodded.  
Shikamaru was biting his lip, slightly embarrassed and probably feeling like he was more excited about it than he should be. Kakashi leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips, but immediately tanned arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him in for a long, passionate kiss. 

"Only if you're staying with me…" 

There was but a little fear young man's voice, and it pulled on the older man's heartstrings, "If you'll have me… I love you." 

"I love you, too, Kakashi." 

The silver-haired man chuckled, "Is _that_ it, or is the lack of clothing on my part?"  
He pointedly looked down at the little tent in the sheets, making the Nara blush slightly. 

"That's… Always…" 

Kakashi gave him a reassuring smile, before leaning in to give him a soft kiss, "May I?" 

Shikamaru, suddenly panting, nodded. A little nervous now that the room was flooded with the morning sun´s light, he swallowed.  
But, as always, Kakashi seemed to understand his trepidation, keeping his eye fixed on the Nara's face as he snaked a hand under the sheets. 

He softly stroked his lover's morning erection, smiling as he heard the younger man moan.  
The man leaned over a little, opening the secret drawer just above the headboard. Shikamaru hadn't seen this last night, and his eyes curiously followed his lover's movements.  
Kakashi smiled at him, "Just a little drawer, Cuteness. It's where I keep the lube and some other necessities." 

He winked, retrieving the item and swiftly opening the cap with one hand, as his left hand was still under the sheets, gently caressing. When he put the lube bottle back, Kakashi also retrieved his hand from under the covers, and a little whimper sounded in the quiet room. It made him smile again, everything Shikamaru did was so _adorable,_ so _amazing,_ so _completely_ _perfect_. He simply couldn't get enough. 

But for the moment, he would have to disappoint his lover, first rubbing his hands together, warming the lube. Dark eyes followed every motion, glued to his slender, pale hands.  
When both hands were thoroughly coated, and the lube a little warmer, Kakashi shifted his position. One look at his young lover told him that it would probably not be a good idea to pull away the sheets right now. Even though Shikamaru _wanted_ him to touch him, and apparently felt pretty safe in doing so, he was also still nervous. 

Last night, there had been little light, it'd helped set the mood, for sure. But the older man also knew that the dim light had provided a cover for Shimakaru. It had for him as well, but as far as Kakashi was concerned he didn't need it anymore.  
Apparently, that was not how Shikamaru felt.  
Not that he minded, really. 

So he shifted, making sure he could comfortably slip both hands under the covers, while still maintaining eye contact with his love. 

First grabbing hold at the base of his lover's cock, he slid his hand upward, coating the throbbing member with lube.  
Then, the silver-haired man put both hands to work, wrapping them around Shikamaru's sex and slowly, ever so slowly started to twist them in both directions. His ministrations were soft and rhythmical and it wasn't long before he could feel his lover's hips buckle.  
Smiling, he increased his speed and upped the pressure a bit.  
It didn't last very long, but he'd already come to expect that. Soon enough, Shikamaru's entire body convulsed, but he didn't stop just yet. Making sure to keep his pace up as his lover rode out his orgasm.

When Shikamaru opened his eyes again, he smiled up at his lover, " _Man_ , you're good…" 

"Thank you," Kakashi said modestly, wiping his hands on the sheets, "Want some breakfast?" 

"Yeah… I'm hungry," He shifted a little, before sitting up to look his lover in the eyes. Studying the older man with an intense gaze, "How come you never even blush?" 

Kakashi chuckled, then doubled over laughing. From his place on the bed, lying on his side across the younger man's legs he looked up, still chuckling, "Where did _that_ come from?" 

"Just… I know I'm probably bright-red right now, and you just…" He bit his lip, feeling insecurity soar. 

But Kakashi just smiled, tracing little figures on his lover's stomach, his long fingers toying with the goose bumps they left in their wake, "I blush… I blushed last night. But… I guess I'm just a little less inclined to… " 

"You've done this before, you mean?" There was a smirk on the Nara's face, but he really didn't mean to hurt the man with his words. 

And, this, Kakashi understood, too, "Yeah, plus, what's there to be embarrassed about? I'm just jerking of the man I love, right?" He chuckled, his own cheeks turning a little pink, "Come on, I'll get you something to wear, you take a quick shower and I'll get some breakfast ready. Sound good?" 

Shikamaru's color deepened when he spoke, "Or you could join me…" 

"I could, _but_ , you're hungry. I got some groceries earlier, when you were still asleep, and I thought I'd make you something delicious – my _specialty_ , actually. But that takes a little time, so if you want me to join you, you'd have to wait after that. And… Shikamaru, don't take this the wrong way, but… I'm not sure you'd be completely comfortable with sharing a shower…" 

He looked up at his younger lover, noting the thoughtful look the other had on his face. 

"Probably… Which is why I asked…" Shikamaru bit his lip, "You said you were staying, right? I want that, too… And… I…" 

Kakashi pushed himself up, cupping the younger face in his hands, "You don't have to force yourself to do _anything_ , Cuteness, there's no hurry. I'm sticking with you either way." 

The Nara nodded, swallowing.  
The copy ninja placed a soft kiss on his lips before getting up and moving to get his lover a change of clothes and a towel. While he was doing that, the form on the bed didn't move.  
Partly, because Shikamaru was studying the gracious way the older man moved, enjoying the ripple of muscle under pale skin. But also, to a degree, because he was still a bit apprehensive to show himself naked it the bright light. 

But Kakashi didn't seem to mind, dropping the articles on the bed, "Everything else you need is in the bathroom already. I'd leave the clothes here, there's no proper vent so they'd end up soaked…  
I'll be in the kitchen, okay Love?" 

Again, Shikamaru could only nod, feeling a little overwhelmed by the other's thoughtfulness.  
 _Being with Kakashi is the safest feeling in the world…  
And he said he loves me… Loves me… I'll never get enough of hearing him say that…_

He slipped out of bed, wrapping the towel around his waist before moving toward the bathroom.  
 _I can't believe he said he loves me… And how much this actually hurts…  
_

The Nara winced, even just walking hurt.  
 _Kakashi was right about that one… Not that I'm going to show him that, he was way too worried about hurting me for him to see this.  
He said he loves me…  
_

Walking into the kitchen, he saw Kakashi calmly chopping some vegetables. There were already several pans on the stove and the Nara wondered exactly _what_ Kakashi's breakfast specialty was – It sure _smelled_ good. 

As he walked past his elder, Shikamaru was suddenly startled by strong arms wrapping around him from behind, while a chin came to rest upon his shoulder. 

"Hey Cuteness." 

Shikamaru chuckled, he hadn't expected this, but he certainly liked it, "Hey Babe," He held on to Kakashi's arms, leaning back into the embrace. 

"So… You okay with this…?" There was a hint of nervousness in the older man's voice. 

"Which part? You hugging me, definitely. You cooking for me, amazing. You saying you love me… I don't even think I know a word to describe _that_ feeling…" He turned his head to kiss the stubbled cheek, "You not shaving… Not so much." 

He could feel Kakashi's chuckle even more than he could hear it, "I _was_ actually talking about me in general, but I guess you kind of answered that… I'll shave after breakfast, you get in the shower." 

He released his hold on the younger man, turning back to his cooking.  
Shikamaru did as told, walking into the bathroom.  
 _What was that about…? Him in general? I said I love him, right? I did. Which already answered his question, should have at least…So he has something else in mind. I know he's probably worried about a lot of things, so which of those is it?  
_

_Hurting me? Probably not. I think he might be over that one…  
Me not wanting him? I just told him I did…  
Him being older? I guess that worries him, but I don't really think that's the issue at hand here…  
Or…  
_

He turned on his heels, yanking open the door he'd closed behind him only seconds ago, "You're talking about my _dad_ , aren't you?!" 

"And you're mother," The older man hummed. 

" _Dude!_ " He all but yelled before taking a deep breath, leaning against the doorframe, "I already told you, I don't tell them about my sex life…"

"Is it just that, though?" He didn't look up, but Shikamaru could hear the strain in his elder's voice. 

He sighed, "No, it's not just that. I love you, and I want to be with you. But…" 

Kakashi turned to him, resting his hip against the counter, "Shikamaru, please just go take your shower. We'll talk over breakfast, okay? I… Need a little time, too." 

"Alright…" 

And so he turned back to the bathroom again. 

XOXOX

Really, Kakashi's specialty was _amazing_. Shikamaru drew up to the table dressed in only another pair of Kakashi's faded uniform pants, it felt soft and comfortable against his slender body. Although it might be a bit too loose. But he couldn't really care. 

The food smelled delicious, and as Kakashi set it all down on the small table, he started to wonder if all those plates were even going to fit.  
There was white rice with salted wakame, miso soup with eggplant, mustard spinach with egg, soy and vinegar, tamagoyaki, salt-broiled saury, boiled mackerel with soy sauce, pickled yams, pickled daikon and some sausages. Spicy ones. 

"This smells too good! I'm amazed what a good cook you are, Kakashi!" 

"Thank you, I try," He smiled at his lover, "The miso is my personal favorite." 

For a little while after that, they ate in silence, apart from Shikamaru's appreciative moans at least.  
"Dude, could you teach my mom to cook like this?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "No. I don't give cooking lessons, I only teach jutsu," He laughed again, adding, "And sex, apparently…" 

Shikamaru blushed again, remembering the last night, "Yeah… Keep doing that…" 

"I'd love to, but… You kind of put me in a difficult position here… Your mother, Shikaku…I'll have to face _them_ now, too." 

"No, you don't. I've thought about that… I think we're probably better off _not_ telling them… I'm over here most of the time anyway, so they won't even suspect anything, and…" He trailed off. 

"Shikamaru… Are you asking me to lie to them?" 

"No…" The Nara shifted uncomfortably, "I'm just saying I don't want to deal with the hassle just yet…" 

Kakashi swallowed, he kind of felt the same way, but at the same time he realized it wouldn't be fair to keep this from Shikamaru's parents. Not to mention safe… If Shikaku were to ever find out…  
"Then when _do_ you want to tell them?" He deliberately kept his tone soft, trying to ban out the fear he felt. 

"Just… After a little while. When I feel a bit more… Confident, I guess? I mean, no-one has to know exactly when we… _You know_." 

Kakashi worried the inside of his lip, placing the chopsticks down as he was finished eating, "I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that strategy, Shikamaru…" 

The Nara quirked one eyebrow, "You eager to get beaten up by my dad for screwing his little boy?" 

"Not exactly… But I think the longer we wait, the harder telling them becomes…" 

Shikamaru sighed, "I know… But, so much has happened all of the sudden. I… I just need to wrap my head around it all, catch my footing. Just… Give me a little time, Kakashi. Just us together for a little while until we let the worries of the world in, okay?" 

"Okay. Just us for a little while," He smiled at his junior, blowing him a little kiss, "Does that mean just us in bed, or just us having breakfast?" 

Shikamaru giggled, winking, "A little of both. Right now the bed sounds better than the breakfast, though… Even though it's delicious and all, but… I think I might've eaten a little too much…" 

Kakashi moved quickly, dumping the dishes in the sink and running hot water over them as he put the leftovers in the fridge. After turning off the running water, he grabbed his lover's hand, pulling the young man with him to the bedroom. 


	63. Tsunade Worries Too Much

AUTHORS NOTE: Yes guys, I´m _very_ happy that they´re finally together, too ^.^  
But as far as all the questions about Shikaku and Yoshino go… _Secret boyfriend_ , people… Wish them luck…

 _ **No Cherry-Beta, all mistakes are mine, but I feel like uploading, so…**_

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 63: Tsunade Worries Too Much

XOXOX

 _Where is he? I would've thought Kakashi would've shown up already... He's been back for over twenty-four hours now. We agreed to talk again after he came back, right? Wasn't he the one that said as soon as possible? And yet there's no sign of the guy...  
Although, he __**did**_ _look pretty exhausted when they came back. Maybe he's still resting.  
That's not exactly a good sign, now is it? I'm starting to think I let him go too soon. Maybe he wasn't ready yet. On the other hand, I think that if I'd denied him a mission he might've actually just taken off on his own.  
Still... If he's not here by sundown, I'm going to go check on him. And it also means that he's off the list again. I'm not sending out an emotionally unstable jounin. That just spells trouble for everyone.  
_

Lost in thoughts like these, Tsunade continued to sign her paperwork. Completely ignorant of what she was signing, what she was granting permission for with just a little flick of her wrist. 

Shizune was glad that she'd checked every single one of those documents at least three times, distracted as her master was right now, she could sign over the village to Orochimaru himself and she wouldn't even notice...

XOXOX

Night had fallen, and there wasn't a single sign of Kakashi Hatake.  
Tsunade sighed, she'd really hoped it wouldn't come to this... "Shizune, please take Kakashi's name off the list with available shinobi again." 

"Did something happen, Milady?" 

"That's what I'm about to find out, but he's not here, so he's not getting another mission before I officially clear him again," She got up, stretching her stiff muscles.

"So… Him coming here within the first day of returning was part of the agreement as well?" Shizune raised her eyebrows, that sounded a bit harsh. 

The blonde looked at her, sighing again, "Not officially, no. But... I had a session with him before he left, you know that, right?" 

Her assistant nodded. 

"Well, after that, he actually came out and said he'd like to have another one as soon as he got back, I was so proud," She smiled, "But... He's still not here yet. So either the mission was too taxing for him, and he's still resting. Or something else happened. Either way, I'm not sending him out in a compromised state." 

"Couldn't he have just forgotten?" 

Tsunade bit her nail for a moment, staring out the window, looking at Konoha's dark streets below, "That's what I'm most worried about..."

XOXOX

She could hear voices inside, they were loud enough to be heard through the door, but not so loud that she could actually make out any of the words. Still, that meant the man had company. Was that the reason he hadn't showed up all day?  
Would she embarrass him by coming here while he had friends over? There weren't many people who knew she was playing therapist, after all... 

"Shikamaru! What- _No_!" 

She could hear him laugh after that, so she was pretty sure that Kakashi was at least doing alright. And if it was just the Nara brat... 

She knocked. 

Waited about ten seconds, then knocked again. 

Another ten seconds passed before her hand connected to the wooden door once more. 

Ten seconds later, she knocked. 

"Yeah, yeah, hold your freaking horses already!" A young voice called out. 

It made Tsunade smile a little, even if she didn't really know why. But as another minute or so passed, she started to get annoyed. So she knocked again.  
Only to have the door yanked open right after, blinking up against the frowning face of Kakashi Hatake, she too, frowned. 

"Tsunade? What the hell...?" 

He stepped back, though. Not exactly inviting her in, but not blocking her entrance either, so she crossed the threshold, "I was wondering where you were, Kakashi." 

"Here! I was right here," He slammed the door shut, crossing his arms as he attempted to stare her down. 

Not that that would work. The blonde cocked her head a little, carefully modeling her voice so it would be devoid of all anger, all frustration, "I'd thought I would see you today." 

"Why...?" 

She almost chuckled, he could be so _verbal_ sometimes, "Because, before you left, you said you wanted to talk again as soon as you got back. When you didn't show up all day, I got worried." 

"I got busy." 

She nodded, not quite sure what to say now.  
Until she remembered something, "Didn't I hear you call Shikamaru's name a little while ago? Where's he?" She tried to peer into the bedroom, but he line of sight was quickly cut off by the jounin's body, as he moved to stand before her. 

"He's here..." 

Taken aback by his unexplainable actions, not to mention the extremely short answers, Tsunade squinted, "Kakashi..." She spoke slowly, "Is there something you're not telling me?" 

"Plenty." 

She blinked, hadn't seen that one coming.  
When she opened her mouth again, her words got cut off by the Nara's voice. 

"Like the fact that he's ticklish..."

"There you are... Okay, I'll ask _you_ , what the hell is going on here?" 

She saw the boy smirk, "Right now? There's this woman standing in the hallway that's annoying me, other than that, not much." 

She didn't even get time to throw a fit because Kakashi called his friends name in a warning tone before turning to her, tired-looking, defeated, "Tsunade, what do you want?" 

"I want to make sure you're alright." 

"I am, I'm _fine._ " 

"You don't look it." 

"I'm just tired." 

"From the mission?" 

"From talking the night away with the help of some friends of mine... Anything else you needed?" 

Tsunade sighed, wiping a hand over her eyes, "Just to let you know you're off the list for future missions for now," She'd expected him to protest, to yell even, but he just stood there, silent.  
"Doesn't that bother you?" 

"A little," He offered, "I'm sure you're about to explain your reasons, though." 

She all but smiled at the thinly veiled command, "Fine, I feel like you're still compromised. I cannot in good faith send you out when I'm not completely sure you'll be able to function." 

"Just perfect," The man grumbled, glancing over at his young friend before looking back at her, "And what do I do to get back into your good graces?" 

"Prove me wrong." 

" _Love_ to. Not tonight, though." 

"Because...?" 

"I'm tired." 

XOXOX

After that he'd all but shoved her out the door, slamming it shut behind her. 

_What the hell...? What was_ _ **that**_ _all about?  
He's fine? I doubt that, but... he __**was**_ _laughing before, so he's not totally out of it either.  
Of course, he could just be telling the truth, and catching up with your friends isn't exactly a bad thing... Especially not if you're in his position.  
_

She sighed. Walking away. 

_I'll find out tomorrow. I don't care how, but I'll find out tomorrow.  
Right now, I'm going for a drink. _

XOXOX

"So... I'm ticklish, huh?" Kakashi slowly walked over to his young lover, hands stretched out, ready to launch his own assault. 

Shikamaru shied away, retreating into the bedroom, "Well, you _are_ , what are you going to do?" 

"See just how ticklish _you_ are..." He followed the other into his bedroom, jumped him so they fell together on top of the rumpled mess that had once been perfectly crinkle-free sheets. 

But instead of tickling, he found something else he wanted to do even more. Pulling down his mask, Kakashi crashed his lips against Shikamaru's, hungrily kissing him as if he hadn't been able to touch him in years, as opposed to the few minutes it'd _actually_ been. 

Moaning into the kiss, Shikamaru wrapped his arms and legs around his lover, holding him tight against his own body. 

"Why does that woman bother you all the time?" He panted, after they finally broke for air. The Nara hadn't let go of him, so their lips were still touching. 

"She doesn't. Not really... And I _did_ intent to have another talk with her today, but... You're too fucking sexy..." 

Suddenly, Shikamaru released his hold on him, all but pushing his lover away, "Dude, _never_ skip your therapy thing because of me, okay? Promise." 

Kakashi sighed, dropping himself to lay beside the Nara, "Fine, I promise..." 

His lover's face appeared above him, smirk firmly in place.  
"Good boy," Shikamaru cooed, before kissing him again, slipping his hand under the shirt he'd hastily put on when Tsunade knocked on the door, "Let's get all this off of you again..." 

Kakashi was quick to obey, but this time, wanted something in return as well.  
Once his shirt was gone, and he was left wearing only his pants, the jounin softly tugged at his lover's shirt. Shikamaru didn't have a problem with that, he'd been shirtless before, too, so he lifted his arms.  
After his shirt fell to the floor, the Nara pulled down his lover's pants, ripping them away in one swift motion, grinning wide at the surprised look on Kakashi's face. 

"I'd almost ask if you'd been practicing that..." 

Shikamaru shrugged, "Neh, just lucky, whatever," He launched himself atop his lover again, attacking thin lips. 

But Kakashi almost immediately pulled away again, pushing the younger man down so he lay on his back. 

"Shikamaru, please let me take your pants off..." 

The younger man swallowed, biting his lip, "But the lights are on..." He said softly. 

Kakashi smiled, his voice soft too, "That's the point, Sweetheart." 

"Yeah, but..." He looked away, facing the wall, his cheeks burning red, "I don't..." 

"Cuteness, I'm not going to do anything you don't want, but..." Biting his own lip in frustration, Kakashi rolled on his back, laying next to the Nara once more, "It's just... I dunno, I thought maybe we were past this by now..." He sighed, "Apparently not, though..." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be... I already told you, _you're_ the one setting the pace." 

"But you want to –"

"There's a lot of things I want, but that doesn't matter because what I most definitely _don't_ want is to make you uncomfortable in any way," Kakashi was staring up at the ceiling, one arm draped over his forehead, the other laying still on his stomach. 

When he heard the sound of a zipper being pulled down, followed by the rustling of fabric and some wiggling beside him, he didn't move, "I told you, don't push yourself..." 

"I know...," Shikamaru leaned over him to drop the pants on the floor, before laying himself atop his older lover, "It's just... I'm a little insecure, is all. So I kind of need you to be gentle, okay?" 

A slow smile crept across Kakashi's face, wrapping his arms around the slender body he whispered, "Gentle how exactly?" 

Shikamaru chuckled a little, "Gentle as in stop trying to take my clothes off, I can do that myself... I mean... It's just..." He swallowed, "Gimme a little time to get used to you looking at me, okay?" 

The silver-haired man placed a light kiss on his lover's lips, "Does that mean no more sex?" 

"Is that all you're interested in?" Shikamaru chuckled again, "Because I seem to remember a certain guy saying he preferred to _get_ fucked," Smiling, he let one hand wander down, grinning wide when his lover gasped. 

XOXOX

 _I don't understand... What could possibly be amiss this time?  
He was laughing, but then he got mad at me, and he was way too tired when he came back but he still spent all night talking with his buddies.  
What am I missing here... 'Plenty'... I'm not sure if I like the sound of that...  
_

Tsunade downed another cup of sake, motion the waiter for a refill. 

_What is_ _ **wrong**_ _with that guy...? How can I help him if he won't talk to me?_


	64. Painful Promises

AUTHORS NOTE: Aaaaand… Awkwardness ensues… You know me, I just can't help myself. Anyway, hope you enjoy, let me know what you think, okay?

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 64: Painful Promises

XOXOX

Never before had Shizune seen Lady Tsunade go through the paperwork so quickly.  
The blonde Hokage worked at a crazy pace, although, unlike last night, she _did_ pay attention. And at around half past one, there wasn't another file she could give her. 

"That was the last one, 've gone through all the paperwork for today. Shall I go and get some of the files that we didn't get to earlier?" She asked hopefully. 

"No. I'm going to see a man about a lie he told me yesterday," There was a wry smile on the Hokage's lips. 

"You're going to see Kakashi again? Milady… What happened yesterday? I know I shouldn't ask about it, but –" 

"He lied to me, Shizune. That's all you need to know. No matter what, that man is not to leave the village without my _personal_ permission, is that clear?" 

"Yes, Milady. Is he… Is he doing alright, though?" Shizune could feel a blush creep up. 

_I know now why I never even had a chance in the first place, but still… Every time I think about Kakashi I get all warm and tingly inside. Not that it's going to do me any good, but…  
I really __**do**_ _hope he's alright, though, poor man has been through so much.  
And I only made it worse for him with my silly crush…  
_

"I'm not sure, Shizune…" Lady Tsunade sighed, "That's why I'm going over there right now." 

XOXOX

"Then at least teach _me_ how to cook!" 

Kakashi raised his eyebrows, "Are you trying to tell me you can't? Because I distinctly remember you offering to cook me dinner before remembering my empty cupboards… Were you trying to poison me or something?" 

"No… I _can_ cook, just… Not compared to _you_. And if I _were_ to decide to spice up your food…" The young Nara licked his lips, "Well, let's just say it wouldn't be with _poison_ …" 

Shikamaru slowly got up from the table, sauntering over to the other side to drop himself on his boyfriend's lap. Immediately, strong arms wrapped around him as Kakashi nuzzled his face against the crook of his lover's neck. 

"Fine, I'll add some cooking lessons to the list… But only if you come with to get the groceries." 

Shikamaru seemed to contemplate this for a minute, "I'll come with you, but no funny stuff." 

"What kind of funny stuff are we talking about, Cuteness?" Kakashi started to trail light kisses along his lover's neck, causing the Nara to moan. 

"That kind of funny stuff… No _boyfriend_ stuff." 

"Hmmm?" The silver-haired man increased his efforts, letting his hands wander the his boyfriend's back at the same time. 

"Kakashi…" Shikamaru all but whined, "I'm serious here…" 

"Me too, I'm serious about getting your clothes off." 

The Nara frowned, pushing his lover away, "Stop it." 

Kakashi sighed, looking Shikamaru in the eyes, "Why does that worry you so much?" 

"I just…" He bit his lip, "I'm just a little scared…" 

"Of me?" 

" _No_ … I just… I'm not used to someone else seeing me naked…" 

The older man offered him a smile, "I know, and I won't force you to do anything, you know that, right?" 

A small nod, teeth sinking into soft flesh once more. 

"But that _doesn't_ mean I don't want you, or that I don't know that you want me, too. I understand it's scary, Sweetheart, I really do, but… I don't understand why you can't seem to trust me…" He added a little sadly. 

"It's not that… It's just…"Shikamaru looked away, his cheeks burning, "When you _, you know_ , like…" He took a shaky breath, but still could only manage to whisper, "Sucked me off…"  
Clearing his throat, the Nara managed to make his voice sound a little stronger, " _Before,_ you were looking at me like… I dunno…" He sighed, mumbling, "You made me really uncomfortable…" 

Kakashi swallowed, closing his eyes for a second as Shikamaru's words sunk in, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I never meant for that… I know I got carried away back then, but I never realized what I did to you." 

"It's okay… I guess… I mean, I know I'm overreacting…" 

"No, Shikamaru, you're not," Kakashi's tone was a little strict, trying to get through to the young man, " _I_ made a mistake then. You… I never should have put you in a position where you would feel uncomfortable. I should have _realized_ …" 

Shikamaru gave him a small smile, before burying his face in Kakashi's neck, "I should've said something sooner, anyway… It's not that I don't want to, I _really_ want to, but…" 

"Were you uncomfortable yesterday morning? And this morning?" 

" A little… Not much though… And you… The way you… That helped…" 

"That I didn't try to look?" 

He could feel his young lover nod before giving a small kiss on his neck. 

"Shikamaru… If you feel safer that way-" 

The jounin's words were interrupted by a knock on the door, making Shikamaru jolt up.  
Wide-eyed and anxious, he looked at Kakashi, "Who's that?" He whispered. 

Kakashi sighed, "Probably… Tsunade again. I'll get the door." 

XOXOX

"I see _your_ timing is as bad as ever…" Kakashi sighed, looking at the blonde before him. 

A confused look settled on her face, "What do you mean?" 

"Never mind… Come in." 

The second he stepped aside, Kakashi could hear Shikamaru slam the kitchen door shut. 

_Damnit!  
_

"I assume you're here because I sent you away last night?" 

"I am." 

"I see… Go on ahead, I'll be there in a minute. You want some tea?" 

"Please." 

As Kakashi disappeared into the kitchen, Tsunade could feel a frown settle on her brow. 

_What the hell is going on here? That brat seems even more anxious than my patient!  
Is __**that**_ _what this is all about? He's trying to cheer up his friend? But then, what's wrong with Shikamaru?  
He seemed upset that his mission turned out to be a technical fail, but I doubt it would cause __**this**_ _kind of reaction…  
_

_Of course, there's still the possibility that this is about the brat's crush… Asuma, right? Maybe they spoke again…  
Or maybe they __**didn't**_ _because last_ _ **I**_ _saw, the man practically ran away the moment the kid set foot inside the briefing room. That must've hurt…  
_

She slowly walked over to the bedroom, dropping herself on the chair, oblivious to the hushed conversation going on in the other room. 

"No, you promised. _Nothing_ gets in the way of your therapy stuff." 

"But _you're_ more important right now. Well, you're always more important, but…" 

"Seriously though, you sink back into that godforsaken hole she dragged you out of, and it's only gonna get worse for the _both_ of us!" 

"She _didn't_ drag me out, _you_ did." 

"Maybe so, but I'm no therapist." 

"Neither is she…" 

"She's a lot better at it than I am." 

"Cuteness –" 

"No, Kakashi. I'm just gonna clear the table and go, okay? You do what you have to do and I'll be back later." 

"But –" 

"No! Therapy first, you gave me your _word."_

The water boiled, and as Kakashi got the tea ready, his boyfriend never gave him a second glance.  
It hurt, but he tried not to show it. Thinking it would only make things worse.

XOXOX

"So, what's up with Shikamaru?" 

_I can't tell her about that. I_ _ **wish**_ _I could, but…  
_ Kakashi sighed, reaching for his first cigarette of the day, "It's not really your concern." 

"No, _you_ are. Which is why I asked." 

He frowned, "I'm not following, Tsunade…" 

"You seem to be upset because he is," The blonde pointed out. 

_Oh, if only you_ _ **knew**_ _how true that is… But, I can't. I promised him. No-one's allowed to know just yet… Damnit!  
_ Inhaling deeply, he studied the ceiling for a while, blowing smoke circles. 

"I get it. It's not like I'm really upset, anyway," _**Liar!**_ "I just think you have horrible timing…" 

"Why's that?" 

"Because I was talking to Shikamaru… And that conversation will stay between the two of us, so please don't ask." 

The door to the kitchen opened and closed.  
Then the front door.  
He left. 

_Damn! Damnit!_ _ **Damnit!**_

"Still, you _do_ seem upset about it. You _could_ talk it over with me, you know…" 

"Tsunade… Please don't," He dropped his head in his hands, sighing, "You'd force me to lie to you. I don't want that…" He said softly. 

"Alright then… I suppose I have no choice but to accept that…" 

She stayed quiet for a while, it worried Kakashi since he had no idea what direction she would choose next. Suddenly there was so much he couldn't talk about. It was unnerving to the man. He'd _finally_ learned to open up, to place his trust in someone, and now he wasn't allowed to.  
'Just us together for a little while,' Kakashi almost started to cry. 

"How did the mission go?" 

"Sorry? Oh, right. Eh, you have the report already so you're probably asking about how it felt to be doing something again, right?" 

The woman nodded. 

"Well, it was nice to be out there, I guess, good weather, stuff like that… I, eh… I told Neji, 'cause he was… I dunno… Acting up? I guess?" 

"Oh?" Eyebrows were raised, "How did that go?" 

"Eh… Not too great… Actually, I'm pretty sure I made a mistake, but…" 

"What do you mean? What happened?" 

So Kakashi told her, leaving out the part about Neji's cousin professing her love, of course, but other than that, he described pretty much their entire mission. Without saying a word about Shikmaru and how often he'd thought about him. Kakashi felt like an even worse liar than he had felt all these years when he never told anyone about his sexuality, about what he did when he disappeared on missions.  
It made him feel horrible. 

"That sounds like you actually handled everything pretty well. I'm proud of you." 

"Don't be. I don't deserve that." 

"Kakashi…" He could hear her sigh, "What aren't you telling me?" 

"I… I promised Neji I wouldn't tell anyone his secret…" 

_Not exactly true, but… Well, it_ _ **was**_ _implied. So maybe she'll just take the bait and leave me alone…  
Shikamaru… I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry for hurting you…  
_

"Is that what's upsetting you now?" 

"What? Eh, sure. Yeah, it was pretty bad." 

She sighed again, "You're _lying_ to me, Kakashi." 

"No, it really was pretty bad. Like, _I_ wouldn't even consider doing something like that, so…" 

"I wasn't talking about that. I'm sure it's awful or whatever, but that's _not_ what's gotten you so worked up right now." 

He swallowed, closing his eyes, "Tsunade…" 

"Kakashi, you're all but crying, here. I want to help you, but if you won't tell me anything…" 

"I _can't_ , alright?!" He suddenly yelled, jumping off the bed to start pacing. 

She remained calm though, "Why not?" 

For a while, Kakashi didn't answer. Picking up the cigarettes, he lit one, before pacing again.  
The bud got flicked in the ashtray, and another was lit immediately after. When he almost finished that one, too, the copy ninja spoke, softly, "I made a promise…" 

"To whom? Shikamaru?" 

"It doesn't matter, Tsunade. I gave my word. End of discussion." 

"But Kakashi –" 

"No!" He yelled again, "Shut up!" He dropped himself on the bed. Almost whispering, he added, "I'm sorry. I _want_ to tell you, want _so_ bad to talk about this, but… I can't. I _can't_ , because I gave my word…" 

"Kakashi," She said softly, "Everything you tell me is confidential. Whatever it is that's bothering you so much, it won't leave this room. I give you _my_ word on that." 

_Won't leave this room, huh? But he did. He left the apartment. And I don't even know how I feel about that. 'I'll be back later,' how_ _ **much**_ _later, Shikamaru? When are you coming back? Are you coming back at all?  
But I love you, I love you so much it hurts. And I've hurt you, too. I know you thought I didn't see it. Didn't see you wince in pain when you sat up, when you walked by me.  
Just like __**I**_ _didn't realize that one moment of weakness could destroy everything.  
_

_I'm so sorry, Shikmaru. I'm so,_ _ **so**_ _sorry!  
_ Dropping his head in his hands, Kakashi cried. 

He could feel strong arms tenderly wrapping around him, could feel himself being pulled against Tsunade's chest.  
For a moment, he wanted to resist. Didn't feel deserving of her comfort when he couldn't even tell her why he needed it so much. How he'd hurt the first person he'd ever truly loved.  
But the desire for that warm embrace was too strong. Pushing his face against her chest, he wrapped his own arms around the motherly figure. Crying like a little kid. Crying like he'd never done before. 

Eventually, the tears stopped coming, his throat and mouth dry.  
She still held on to him, softly stroking his back, mumbling soothing words.  
He didn't want to let go, didn't want to leave the safety of her arms. But after a while, he became increasingly aware of the situation, and grew increasingly awkward as well.  
So he retreated, sheepishly wiping at his wet cheeks, ashamed to look up. 

"It's alright, Kakashi," Her tone was soft, understanding, "Nothing to be ashamed about." 

He winced, remembering how he'd only just spoken those exact same words to Shikamaru, as his lover had shied away from his touch. 

"I'm sorry," She said hesitantly, "I didn't mean to embarrass you by saying that…" 

"No," His voice was raspy, "It's… I can't tell you…" He smiled weakly, hoping she wouldn't get offended. 

"You don't have to, I know how much a promise means to you. I'm sorry for pushing anyway." 

"You just wanted to help…" 

"I did. But that doesn't make it right. I'll get you some water, okay?" 

He nodded, feeling empty, desolate once more.  
She left, walking off to the kitchen. He reached for another cigarette, but changed his mind, violently throwing the pack across the room.  
It helped a little, so he threw the matches, too. 

"Are you giving up smoking?" 

He looked up, Tsunade had appeared in the doorway, holding two glasses. One containing regular, clear water, the other apparently had something mixed in as the liquid appeared pale blue. 

He frowned, but answered all the same, "No, just throwing stuff." 

"Right…" She carefully set the glass with the blue liquid down on the desk, "Here's your water," She handed it to him, turning to retrieve his fags and the matches. 

"What's that?" He pointed. 

"A very mild sedative. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to," She calmly threw the discarded items back on the bed, "But I'd like you to." 

"How strong?" He tipped back the water, wincing as the cold liquid ran through his sore throat. 

Tsunade smiled at him, "This much won't even make you sleepy. It's actually not really a sedative, per se. It's a drug developed specially for people with mental issues – don't take that the wrong way, though. To put it simply, it will temporarily help suppress some of the psychological pain. Which should calm you down a little. Sort of making it a mild sedative." She sat down on the chair again, looking the younger man in the eye, "But it's up to you." 

Kakashi shrugged, swallowing the last of the water, "I don't feel anything anymore." 

She gave him a inquiring look, "Nothing?" 

"Empty." 

"In that case I would definitely like you to take it…" 

"Why? There's nothing left to suppress." 

The blonde smiled, "Kakashi, I can either sit here for the next couple of hours trying to explain to you the inner physiological workings of the human brain, or you could trust that I know what I'm talking about, I'm fine with both.  
And either way, the decision is up to you." 

His voice sounded small when he asked, "Will you leave after?" 

"It depends, what do you want?" 

He reached out his hand, so she handed him the medicine.  
Placing the glass against his lips he whispered, "Stay…" 


	65. Of Escapes And Shared Interests

AUTHORS NOTE: Shino is like… The _dream_ boyfriend. Well, not mine, obviously…  
Anyway, he just came out that way, and I think it actually suits him ^.^ Let's all cheer for Shino the Gentleman!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 65: Of Escapes And Shared Interests

XOXOX 

As Shikamaru left the apartment he shoved his hands deep inside his pockets.  
 _Damn that woman! Why does she always have to show up at the_ _ **worst**_ _possible time?! I know I said his therapy is more important – and it_ _ **is**_ _– but why couldn't she just show up thirty minutes later?  
Stupid mental anus felcher, demonizing slut professor, stupid retarded treacherous puke worm!  
_

The young man sighed. _  
Anyway, I guess that's it, then…  
Doubt we're ever going to talk about it again. Pretty sure __**I**_ _can't, in any case. Can't even believe I just_ _ **did**_ _…  
Guess he's got a point about me not being able to trust him… If I did, I wouldn't have been so scared to tell him, right?  
But… I love him. And I think I __**do**_ _trust him. It´s all just so_ _ **embarrassing**_ _…  
_

_-More embarrassing than his dick up your ass?-  
Shut up.  
-More embarrassing than how fast you come every time?-  
I said, shut up!  
-More embarrassing than curling up into a little ball just because he sticks his finger in?-  
Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the __**fuck**_ _up!  
-Didn't you say you love him?-  
I do, I love him. I love him too much, probably…  
-Then what's there to be embarrassed about?-  
Sex, being naked, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to please him, the list goes on and on, really…  
-Then why don't you just __**tell**_ _him that?-  
Because I can't! It's too embarrassing!  
-There you go __**again**_ _. Didn't he tell you there's nothing to be embarrassed_ _ **about**_ _?-  
That doesn't change anything…  
-Sure sounds like an excuse to __**me**_ _.-  
No, it's not.  
-Sure about that?-  
Okay… Maybe a little…  
_

"Shikamaru! Hey, wait up!" 

_Asuma?!  
_ "Fuck off." 

"What the-? Shikamaru! Talk to me!" The jounin caught up to him, grabbing the Nara's shoulder. 

He pulled away, walking off in a rapid pace.  
But Asuma quickly feel in step beside him, "Tell me what's wrong." 

"Get lost." 

"Shikamaru-" 

"I _said_ , leave me the hell alone!" 

He ran.  
Away from Asuma, away from Kakashi, away from love and lust and all the trouble they caused.  
Away. 

Through half-empty streets, past restaurants, shops and bars. 

Onto Nara grounds, into the Forest.  
He ran. 

XOXOX

"Shino, which do you think looks better? The green dress or the black one?" 

Sakura almost squealed as she saw her boyfriend pondering her question thoughtfully, "I believe the black one looks better on you, however, the green one brings out the color in your eyes." 

She pulled a face, "So which one should I get?" 

"Neither. Why? Because I'm certain we will find a better dress for you given a little more time. This is only the first store, Sakura." 

Feeling her jaw drop, she asked, "You don't mind going to more stores?" 

He smiled, actually _smiled_ at her, "No, I do not. I'm very happy just to spend time with you, and I think I like helping you pick out clothes as well. So long as _you_ want to, of course." 

She quickly threw both dresses on the chair by the changing rooms, hugging him tight, "Oh Shino, I'd _love_ to! I was just a little afraid _you_ might get bored." 

Pulling back, he gave her a small peck on the cheek, "I am not bored," Another quick smile, "Although I _would_ like to choose the next store, if you don't mind." 

Sakura laughed, locking their arms together as she pulled her boyfriend out of the store, "Sure, I'd love to see which store you choose."

XOXOX 

_Stupid how embarrassing it is to do something that feels so good…  
Sure, it hurt. At first.  
But then… He was so patient with me, even when I could __**feel**_ _him trembling. He was waiting for_ _ **me.**_ _  
He was waiting for me to say he could move… Man, that hurt!_

 _But it felt so good… Supposedly the pain gets less and less…  
Wait, didn't Kakashi say that sometimes he __**likes**_ _a little pain? Could I_ _ **do**_ _that to him? Knowing just how bad it hurts, could I_ _ **actually**_ _do that on purpose? And how, though?  
_

_He… Was being careful, wasn't he? Going slow? So… If you go faster… It hurts?  
Is that what he meant? 'The difference between a rough fuck and an unprepared one…' Hmmm…  
'If everything we've discussed before is done right. Or, right_ _ **-ish**_ _.' What does that even mean? Right-_ _ **ish**_ _.  
Like… Going through the, eh…' preparations' faster?  
He sure did take his time… And it still hurt.  
I guess… I __**like**_ _it, but… Maybe I'd like the other way around even more… What was it he said again? 'If I had to guess, I'd say you're either a top or a preferential switch…'  
How do I know? Do I first… Try it? Reverse the roles? Would he let me? Do I even dare ask, now?  
_

_If he's like, facing away from me, I guess it'd be easier to strip… He wouldn't be able to see, right? And I_ _ **do**_ _wanna try… But…  
_

_I dunno, maybe it's all over now, anyway…  
'I'm sticking with you either way.' That was before, though…_

XOXOX

"But… Shino," She whispered, "This store is so _expensive_ …" 

He only smiled, pulling her along. 

"Shino…" 

"Do not worry about it, Sakura." 

He brought her to a rack filled with all sorts of dresses, they were all so beautiful, but she was afraid to look at the price tags. 

"You stand here," Taking her by the shoulders, the Aburame positioned his girlfriend at about an arm's length away from the rack. 

He carefully looked her over for a few seconds, making Sakura's cheeks brighten. But she didn't say anything, instead watching him turn to the rack, slowly flipping through the dresses. 

Finally, he took one out, holding the dress up to see how it would look. Handing the item over, he asked her to try it on.  
A little hesitantly, Sakura agreed, walking to the changing rooms, Shino one step behind her. 

The dress he'd picked out was bright-green, the exact same color as her eyes. Trimmed with dark purple ribbons and a buttoned-down back.  
As she put it on, Sakura noticed that the fabric fit snugly, hugging her body in all the right places. The skirt stopped just above her knees, trimmed with purple lace, and the sleeves were long, made out of purple lace as well, getting wider as they neared her wrists.  
The dress showed no cleavage, instead going up into a very short turtleneck.  
When she looked in the mirror, Sakura felt beautiful. 

So, when she exited the changing room, she also wore a bright smile, "Shino, this is beautiful!" 

"I agree, but the dress only looks so beautiful because you are wearing it." He smiled. 

She blushed at the compliment, hugging him again, "But…" 

"It is my gift, Sakura. Although I had hoped you might wear it tonight…" 

"Tonight? You mean when I come over for dinner?" 

"Yes. I realize it may sound a bit silly, and it's _certainly_ not as if my parents would not accept you otherwise, but… I feel like showing off my beautiful girlfriend," He blushed a little, giving her another small peck on the cheek. 

She smiled again, I will. I can't wait!" 

XOXOX

Tsunade _had_ stayed, calmly chatting away about unimportant things like the new restaurant that had just opened, or the progress of the latest batch of gennin.  
She'd gotten up to make tea a couple of times, and even washed the dishes during that time, judging by the sounds.  
And now she was walking back into the bedroom with another serving of tea. 

"Tsunade, thank you." 

She chuckled, "It's just tea…" 

"Not that… Everything," His head felt a little fuzzy, it was difficult to find the right words. 

"Sure," The blonde gave him an easy smile, pushing a cup into his hands, "It's fun to use you as an excuse to get away from all the paperwork." 

"Didn't you say you finished it all?" 

"There's always more paperwork," She winked, "But really, I just want to make sure you're alright." 

A slow smile crept over the jounin's face, "It's getting better." 

"Good to hear it. I _do_ have one question, though…" She added thoughtfully. 

"What is it?" He frowned, concentrating on forming a full sentence, "Please tell me you're not going to ask me what's wrong again, because –" 

"No Kakashi, that wouldn't be fair. I know it's probably a little hard to think right now, and I'm not going to abuse that fact. No, I was wondering whether you think you'll be alright alone tonight." 

"Probably…" 

The blonde smiled again, "That doesn't exactly make me feel any better." 

"I know, but it's the honest… eh… _answer_." 

She almost chuckled at how difficult it was for him to find such a simple word, "Listen, I _do_ have to go in a little while, I have a dinner appointment with those annoying counselors. If I want to cancel that, I'd better be dying," She smiled wryly, "So, what I'm actually asking is, do I need to find someone to stay with you tonight? Iruka maybe?" 

"No, he'll ask… eh, questions, and really… I think it'll be alright." He blinked, getting slightly frustrated with his hazy mind. 

"I hope so… If there's something wrong, you can always send Paccun, right?" 

Kakashi shrugged, "I can… eh… _summon_ the entire… _pack_ , if need be… But I'll be fine," He blinked a couple times, yawning, "Actu-acu- _actually_ kinda tired…" 

Smiling softly, she took the teacup out of his hands, gently pushing the younger man back on the bed.  
Pulling up the sheets, she smiled again, "Goodnight then, Kakashi." 


	66. Secrets Versus Honesty

AUTHORS NOTE: Izumo/Kotetsu cliffhanger….. *drumroll* _Not_ finished. But I _am_ picking it up again ;)  
Seriously guys, is there _anything_ worse than falling for your best friend and knowing they can never feel the same? When speaking solely about romance, I can honestly say I speak from experience when I say, "Nope, nothing..."

There ya go, American Ace – you asked what would happen with these two, right? Well, hope you enjoy!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 66: Secrets Versus Honesty

XOXOX

"Lady Tsunade, are you even _listening?"  
_

"Actually Shikaku… No, I'm not," The blonde sighed, "I'm sorry. I just… Have a lot on my mind right now…"

"Don't we all…" He muttered, before continuing, voice stronger now, "Isn't that why we have these early morning meetings? So we can work together, pick each other's brains a little? It doesn't exactly work if only one of us is paying attention," He worried the inside of his lip for a little while, "Given that you haven't said anything about it yet… Does it have to do with Kakashi again?"

Tsunade sighed, wiping a hand over tired eyes.  
She carefully readjusted some of the papers on the table before her. Stacking them up neatly, before restacking them again.

Shikaku watched her from across the table, leaning back, his legs crossed. A worried look on his face, "So it is. Do you need help with him?"

She didn't look at him, instead shuffling the papers around even more, "No. Well, actually _yes_ , but… I can't ask that of you."

"I'm happy to help, Tsunade. I've seen the man on what was probably the worst day of his life, there's no way I can just forget about that…"

"I know…" The blonde shot him an apologetic look, "It's not that I don't trust you in this, or that I think you couldn't help. It's just… I'm his _therapist_ , Shikaku. And as such, I can't discuss his… _State_ , with anyone. I have to hold on to the trust we've built. If I can't, it's all been for naught."

He picked up his cup, thoughtfully sipping his morning coffee, "I understand… If there's anything I can do, though…"

"He doesn't need tying up, so… _No_ ," She chuckled, "That's all you were going to do, remember? Tie people up for me?" But there was no real humor in her voice, just weariness.

"I _did_ say that, didn't I?" He worried the inside of his lip for a while, "Tsunade… Please allow me to help, if at all possible. Honestly… I can't get that day out of my head. Of course," He chuckled humorlessly, "That was the day my son told me he's gay, so I'd probably be a horrible father if I _did_ forget about that day. But… The man has been through _so_ much, Tsunade. I don't pretend to even know half of it, but it's not a stretch to say that even if it was _only_ the things that I _do_ know about, it would be too much for any one person to handle."

"That's why he's got me."

"No, Tsunade, you're the one person _. Kakashi_ is… Too much for any one person to handle."

"Your son seems to be the one that handles most of him, though…"  
 _Should I tell him about Shikamaru's weird behavior yesterday? It worries me, and_ _ **technically**_ _he's not my concern anyway. But no… He's Kakashi's best friend, his lifeline. Divulging_ _ **anything**_ _about the boy would not only break the trust that I've built with Kakashi, it would also break the trust that I have with Shikamaru himself. I know he's been trying to ease Kakashi back into a normal life, but he's also pushing the guy to keep talking to me, isn't he? So… Even though it worries me…  
_

"True. Shikamaru has become very close with Kakashi… I'm not sure how I feel about that, to be frank. But… "

"Why not? Are you afraid he's going to take Kakashi's lead? I highly doubt that! The man is living, breathing proof of the bad choices he's made before."

"I'm not worried about that. I realize it as well as you do."  
 _He's just never home anymore. And he has feelings for the guy, a blind man could see that. I just have a bad feeling, I guess.  
But this isn't something that Tsunade needs to know, if anything, I'm not even __**sure**_ _. It's just a feeling I have. And it's about her patient as well.  
The boy deserves this much privacy, at least…  
_

"Then what's wrong, Shikaku?" She gave him a quizzical look.

"Not wrong, per se. I just hardly ever see him anymore," He smiled, "I'm the boy's father, I should know that it's a lot more fun to spend time with your friends than to hang out with your old man. And Shikamaru has plenty of friends to spend time with.  
I don't know, Tsunade, maybe it's just empty nest syndrome kicking in a little early…"

She gave the man a brief smile, "Just give him some time, he'll come back to his old man in time," She winked, before turning serious again, "That ANBU report we were discussing, where did it go?"

He smiled, leaning over to pick the document out of a stack of hospital files, "Right here. I suggest we dispatch another team to that location immediately."

XOXOX

"Hey, Kotetsu?" Izumo stared at his best friend intently, "What's up with you? You've been acting weird lately…"

The other man looked away in obvious discomfort, "It's nothing really. Just been having some trouble sleeping lately. Don't know why, but…" He shrugged, "It'll pass, don't worry."

"Right…" Izumo toyed around with the pencil on the table, not looking up at his friend, "I kinda doubt that, though, buddy. You've never really had trouble sleeping before, so… Come on, just tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, Iz, I swear."

"Then why did you stop bringing over your laundry all of the sudden? And why is your pant button missing? You know I'd fix it if you just gave 'em to me, so…"

"These were the only clean ones I had this morning…"

"Because you never do laundry," The brunette pointed out, "Which is why I do yours together with mine. And why I asked why you didn't bring it over anymore all of the sudden…" He was doodling on an empty sheet of paper, still not looking up. Something in his friend's voice warned him to tread lightly.

"Just… Forgot, I guess. It's fine, Izumo. I can do my own laundry, you know."

"Sure… I didn't mean to say that you can't, 'Tetsu… "

He looked up when a shadow loomed over his doodles, "Ah, Tenten. Back already?"

"Oh, _please!"_ The girl scoffed, "I should've been back _days_ ago. Just sign me in, okay? I could really use a shower right about now…"

Kotetsu sniffed, "I concur, milady. We gotcha, just go take your shower," He winked up at the young brunette, sighing as she walked off.

"Tetsu… Please tell me if I did something wrong…" Izumo still wasn't looking up, scratching the pencil over paper, signing Tenten in before returning to his doodling.

Kotetsu sighed again, "You didn't, Iz."

"I feel like you've been avoiding me, though…"

"I'm here, aren't I? Will you please just drop it already?" The man scoffed, "Stop babying me! Stop bloody _thinking_ about me all the time!"

The brunette frowned in surprise, "But… You're my best friend…"

Kotetsu finally turned to face the other man, "Am I?" There was anger in his voice, "Am I _really_ , Izumo? Is that really _all_ I am?!"

"What?" Izuma looked up, bewildered, "What do you mean? Of course you're my best friend! What else would I call you?"

"You tell _me_ , Izumo! What else do you call me?"

"What…? I don't… I don't understand, 'Tetsu…"

Kotetsu sighed, slouching back in his chair, "Never mind. Just forget it…"

But Izumo was thoroughly concerned now, his tone soft, "Forget what? That you seem to hate me?"

"I don't _hate_ you, don't be ridiculous. I could never _hate_ you."

"Then what?" Izumo's voice was laced with hurt, "Are you mad at me?"

His friend sighed once more, "I guess…"

"Because I'm worried about you…? Kotetsu, I really don't get any of this…"

Kotetsu frowned, "I _said_ , forget it."

"I can't… You're mad at me and I don't even understand _why_ …"

He turned to the brunette again, his tone a furious whisper, "You don't understand? You don't _understand_?! You dirty – how on _earth_ do you _not_ understand! I _heard_ you, pervert! My button came off and I thought I'd bring it over, and I _fucking heard you!_ Don't you _dare_ pretend you don't understand!"

Izumo blinked, still confused, "Heard what?"

"You! You sick _bastard_ , I heard _you!"_ Still whispering furiously, he leaned over, "I heard _you_ , jerking off, and you said _my_ name!"

Izumo's cheeks immediately reddened, leaning back a little he swallowed, "Kotetsu…"

" _Shut up!_ I don't wanna hear whatever excuse you come up with!"

"I… It's not an excuse, Tetsu –"

"Don't fucking _call_ me that!"

The brunette got angry now, too. Whispering back in the same harsh tone, " _Look_ , I'm _sorry_ , okay! It's not like I ever _wanted_ to –"

"Wanted to _what?_ Jerk off to me?! That was your _own_ fucking choice, _sicko!_ "

"I'm _not_ sick! Stop calling me that! _Damnit!_ Why do you think I never told you _, huh_? 'Cause you're so _fucking_ open-minded?! Well I'm _sorry_ I turned out gay, I'm _sorry_ I fell for you, I'm so _fucking sorry_ for being such a damned burden on you for all these years!" His voice had steadily risen to the point where Izumo was all but yelling, standing up, leaning over the man that was _never_ supposed to know.

The damage was done now, though, and even in his anger, Izumo could feel the hot tears welling up. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat away, but it didn't work. And he could feel his tears spilling over, streaking his face.

Kotetsu, too, swallowed. Looking up at what was once his best friend, "Izumo…" His tone was soft, surprised.

"What _ever_ Kotetsu! I promise I'll never bother you again!" He stormed off, leaving Kotetsu alone in the guard office.

XOXOX

Izumo ran through Konoha's streets, blinded by tears. It didn't really matter, as he didn't bother to look where he was going anyway.

Suddenly, a strong hand wrapped around his arm, stopping his breakneck flight.

" _Woah_ , easy there, my friend. What has gotten _you_ so riled up?"

The brunette didn't look up, trying to pull away as he muttered, "Let _go_ of me."

"Izumo," Another voice said softly, "What's wrong? Is this about that little scene back at the gate?"

"Let _go_ of me!" He pulled again, to no avail.

"No, my youthful friend, I will not let you wander around like this." Gai sounded concerned.

"I don't care, let me go…" He whined.

Asuma appeared before him, leaning over ever so slightly in an attempt to look the chuunin in the eyes, "Izumo… Stop struggling so much. Gai isn't going to let go, so you're only going to hurt yourself.  
And you're making a scene, too."

"Then let me _go_!" Furiously, he tried to pull free again, only to have Asuma rest his hands upon the younger man's shoulders, keeping him still.

"Izumo, _calm down_. This isn't going to help anything," He looked up at his companion, "Gai, is there anywhere nearby that we can take him?"

"I am not sure… A teahouse would not be a good idea, and we should get this man off the street as swiftly as possible."

" _Definitely_ … My place is close enough, I guess. It will have to do."

He grabbed hold of Izumo's other arm and together they pulled the chuunin along.  
Izumo was still struggling, but there was no way he could break free of their hold. When he eventually realized this, his body slumped, dragging his feet as the two jounin almost carried him with them.

"Just please let me go, guys… I'm okay now, alright?"

"No you're not, you're just starting to calm down. We're going over to my place, Izumo, and then talk. No two ways about it." Asuma tried to keep his tone soft, even if dragging the younger man along proved to be taxing.  
 _I have to start training more… If even Izumo feels heavy, how the hell am I ever going to carry someone like Choji out if something goes wrong?  
_

He sneaked a look at the man they were pulling along.  
 _Wrong… It's_ _ **not**_ _wrong. I get that now. Did Shikamaru feel like_ _ **this**_ _when I sent him out of my apartment? Was there anyone helping_ _ **him**_ _?  
'Kakashi was there for me when you weren't' I sure hope he was there that day… Knowing Kakashi though, he probably was.  
_

 _I need to apologize to Shikamaru again. To both of them.  
But first, let's see if we can't piece Izumo back together again. How much does Gai know about all this, I wonder? He saw the same thing I saw, and __**he**_ _was the one that proposed we go after this guy, but Gai's a weird one…  
_

"Gai, hold him. I need to find my keys."

"I will, don't worry, Asuma." The jounin grabbed the arm his colleague had been holding on to, looking Izumo squarely in the eyes as he waited for Asuma to recover the keys from his pocket.

"You are among friends here, please try to understand that."

But the brunette scoffed, " _Friends?!_ You two _kidnapped_ me! Let me _go_ , Gai!"

The spandex clad jounin sighed, before pushing him into Asuma's apartment. Once the other had closed and locked the door, slipping the key back into his pocket, Gai let go of the younger man.

"There. I let go. Now _calm down_."

Izumo squinted at him, anger flaring in his gaze, crossing his arms he stood there, wide-legged, "I _am_ calm."

"Not really…" Asuma moved into the kitchen, filling the kettle before placing it on the stove, "But you will, in time."

He motioned for his guests to take a seat at the kitchen table, "Sorry it's still such a mess here, I haven't really been home much, missions and stuff. Anyway, Izumo…  
That look that you're wearing now? I've seen it before. His face may have been a little younger, and he was looking at me like you were looking at Kotetsu, but…" He sighed, unsure where he was going with this.

Gai quirked one eyebrow, speaking softly, "So you know, too."

"Yes. I didn't know _you_ did… Why would he tell _you_?"

The jounin chuckled, "He didn't. Didn't tell me _you_ were that guy, either," He leaned back in the chair, "I would have felt a lot more sorry for him if I'd known _that_ …"

Asuma was quick to correct him, "We talked it out, though."

"I know." Gai frowned at him, "You didn't do enough."

Sighing, Asuma rubbed the back of his head, "I know… I keep thinking I should go over and apologize again, but… I really don't know what to say to the kid…"

Suddenly, Izumo, all but forgotten, leaned forward, " _Kid?!_ What the _hell_ are you two on about?!"

"Not what," Gai corrected softly, " _Whom._ And I don't know if he'd like us telling you. Neither of them…"

"Wait, _neither_?! Gai, exactly _how_ did you find out about Sh- _him_?"

"Ah… You didn't know… Makes sense, I guess… I…" He crossed his arms, staring up at the ceiling, "I can't tell you if you don't already know…"

' _Kakashi was there for me when you weren't…'  
_ "Don't tell me… It's… No, you're right. Not my place to ask, not yours to say anything…"

He let his gaze settle on the chuunin at his kitchen table, he looked even worse off than Shikamaru had at the time… "Izumo, what just happened back there?"

" _Nothing_ ," He scowled.

The kettle whistled, and Asuma got up, filling three cups he continued, "Look, I'm not talking about the yelling, we got _that_. Pretty much half the village did… I'm wondering what drove you to such extremes, it's not the Izumo _I've_ come to know."

"Half the village…?" A mere whisper.

"Asuma _may_ be exaggerating a little… But there is no doubt in my mind that we are not the only ones who heard," Gai told him softly.

Izumo let his head drop in his hands, "Please someone kill me now…"

"No thank you," Asuma put the cups down, before settling himself back on his chair, "I'm not the kind of guy who kills his comrades… Izumo, it's going to be alright." He offered sympathetically.

"No, _never_ going to be alright again…" The chuunin sighed, picking up his cup to take a small sip, "And your tea sucks…"

Asuma chuckled, "I need to get groceries, this was the last I had," Turning serious again, he rested his arms on the table, "But it _will_ be alright. If nothing else, _we've_ got your back. And I'm pretty sure there's at least two other people who'd tell you the same thing."

Gai nodded thoughtfully, "Three, Iruka too."

"Iruka? Him too?"

The Green Beast of the Leaf chuckled, "Apparently not. But he's already pledged his back to the other two, and he's a pretty decent guy, wouldn't you agree?"

Izumo took another sip of his tea, pulling a face at the taste of it, "Who're the other two…?" He kept his eyes trained on a little knot in the table.

"Like I said, I'm not sure if they'd be comfortable getting outed by someone else…"

Gai sighed, worrying the inside of his lip before apparently coming to a decision, "Kakashi's already coming out to his friends. I think that if he saw Izumo like this, he'd probably be the first to kick us in the gut for _not_ telling him…"

" _Kakashi_ …?! But… He's…" Izumo stuttered.

"Gay." Gai's tone was calm, the decision had been made. He would deal with eventual consequences later, "Told me two days ago. Also told me he broke down, quite similar to what you're doing right now. He wouldn't want you to go through all that alone…"

"But, _Kakashi?!_ We're talking about the same guy here, right? Kakashi Hatake, the copy ninja, the guy that's always reading those pervy books? _That_ Kakashi…"

"The one and only. My eternal rival, Kakashi Hatake. And I have _no_ idea why he reads those books."

Izumo just stared at the older man.


	67. I'm Sticking With You

AUTHORS NOTE: Yes people, I´m leaving the cliffhanger. And giving you another one. Yay for me ;) 

Nah, it's not too bad, I actually just switched chapters 67 and 68 for my own personal enjoyment of watching you squirm. I need _something_ to drag my sorry ass through the holidays, right?

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 67: I'm Sticking With You

XOXOX

When Kakashi woke up, an all too familiar form was cuddling up against him.  
 _Shikamaru… When did_ _ **he**_ _get here…?  
_

Gently untangling himself from the still sleeping Nara, Kakashi crawled out of bed, blinking as the entire room started to spin. 

_What was in that stuff Tsunade gave me?! Wait, no, I didn't feel_ _ **this**_ _weird until that tea…  
_ Stumbling around quietly, the jounin tried to locate the cup, but it was gone. 

_She probably washed it, too…  
So, the woman sedated me after all… I guess it's okay, though – at least she didn't tie me up this time. But…  
_He turned his head to look at Shikamaru.  
 _I never heard him come in. Normally, I would've heard him, no matter how quiet he may have been.  
Most importantly though… __**Why**_ _is he here? I was half-convinced I'd never see him again…  
_

The younger man stirred, slowly opening his eyes to look up at him, "Morning." 

Kakashi swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, "Good morning." 

He didn't dare sit down on the bed, their little morning ritual would most likely _not_ be appreciated right now.  
 _If I sit down, he's gonna think I wanna jerk him off again, and that would probably be bad. But if I stay up much longer, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my balance and topple over…  
_

Compromising, he sat down on the chair. 

Shikamaru shifted, "You okay?" 

The silver-haired man groaned, "Tsunade gave me something… My head's spinning…" 

"What'd she give you?" He had the Nara's full attention now, concern shone in dark eyes. 

"Not sure… First there was the blue stuff, but that's not it. That was just… Anyway, that didn't make me feel _dizzy_. But I think she put something in the tea…" His stomach growled and he clutched at it, "God, I'm hungry though… Skipped dinner," He gave Shikamaru a weak smile, still unsure as to what the Nara's presence here meant exactly. 

When Shikamaru slipped out of bed, he apparently was wearing only his boxers. Kakashi immediately shifted his gaze, not wanting to add to any uncomfortable feelings the younger man had. 

"Kakashi, it's okay. I wouldn't have slept like this if I had a problem with it," Shikamaru said softly, "It's cold, though…" He quickly retrieved his clothes from the foot of the bed – Kakashi's clothes, actually. His old, faded uniform pants and a black T-shirt.  
"I'll whip you something up, it's not gonna be great, but I'll do my best." 

"There's still some miso in the fridge, I always make a big pot…" 

"Perfect," Shikamaru walked over, placing a gentle kiss on the top of Kakashi's head, "I'll see if you've got anything else in there and try to make something good, okay? You just stay put, I don't want you falling because of that woman. Do you need anything?" 

Kakashi smiled up at him, grabbing the younger's hand for but a moment, "Some water?" 

"Sure, coming right up." 

As he watched Shikamaru walk away, the silver-haired man bit his lip.  
 _Why is he here? Is he going to pretend nothing happened?  
I don't think I could deal with that…  
_

Over in the kitchen, Shikamaru was surprised to find all the dishes gone. There were no empty teacups, no glasses on the counter. 

_Did Tsunade do that? I'm pretty sure Kakashi didn't...  
_ Shrugging, he decided to push it aside, it didn't really matter anyway. 

He quickly filled a glass with water, bringing it over to Kakashi without a word. Shikamaru was still trying to figure everything out himself. 

Back in the kitchen, he peered into the fridge, slightly disappointed when he found it to be almost empty. The miso was there though, so he figured he should just be thankful for that.  
 _I suppose my cooking will have to do then… Let's see here, we've got miso, I can make tamagoyaki…  
_

He wandered through the kitchen, checking all the cabinets while working out the menu in his head.  
 _Okay, there's the rice… What's this? Pickled daikon? That'll work… Oh look, there's still some sanma here… Salt, salt where's the salt…Here! And soy sauce, perfect. Wait, I saw a lemon in the fridge, right? So… Rice, tamagoyaki, miso and salt-broiled saury it is, with a side of pickled daikon. I hope it'll be good enough…  
_

Quickly getting to work, Shikamaru tried to ban all other thoughts out, concentrating solely on making an edible breakfast for Kakashi.

XOXOX

"You wanna eat here or in the kitchen?" Shikamaru suddenly appeared again, leaning against the doorframe. 

Kakashi smiled softly, "Kitchen's fine, easier anyway," He moved to get up and the only reason he didn't plant his own face against the floor was Shikamaru's speed. 

"Wow _dude!_ What the hell did she _give_ you?!" 

"I told you… I don't know…" 

"Yeah, I'm sorry," Shikamaru draped one of the older man's arms over his shoulders, steadying him, "I just kind of freaked is all…" 

"Yeah… That was kind of scary…" Kakashi agreed.  
 _What if I'd been here alone? Or did she send him over?  
_ He looked at the Nara for a moment, before deciding Tsunade probably hadn't. Leaving the question of why Shikamaru was here… 

He must've felt his elder's gaze, because Shikamaru looked up at him, "Over breakfast, okay?" 

Nodding, Kakashi started to walk.

XOXOX

"Okay, you're right. Not great, but definitely good enough," Kakashi winked, hopefully taking the sting out of his words. 

The Nara chewed his tamagoyaki thoughtfully, swallowing before he replied, "Actually… I think this is the best I ever made… So I'm definitely going to need those cooking lessons," He smirked.  
"But… Kakashi?" 

"What's up?" He tried to sound calm, but it wasn't working. For now, he just blamed it on whatever Tsunade gave him. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken off like that yesterday, I was just… Too embarrassed, I guess. But I realize now that that doesn't make any sense, because… Well because it's _you_ …" 

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have stared, and I should've realized what was wrong." 

"And I should have told you," Shikamaru offered him a hesitant smile, "I'm not even sure what I was so embarrassed _about_ , really… It's a drag but after thinking about it for all this time I _still_ don't know. I mean, it's _you_ …" 

Kakashi shrugged, "It's new." 

"Yeah… And a lot to take in," Shikamaru smirked again, eliciting a chuckle from the man sitting across from him. 

Kakashi leaned forward a little, placing his elbows on the table to rest his chin in his arms, "Is that why I suddenly found you sleeping next to me?" 

"Yeah… I-I went home first, but… I couldn't sleep. So I came here and… The moment I could hear your heartbeat I dozed off…" 

The silver-haired man smiled, "That's kind of sweet." 

"Weird's more like it… I usually have a hard time falling asleep if someone else is even in the same _room_ …" 

The older man chuckled again, "That's why it's so sweet, Cuteness." 

"Maybe…" The Nara bit his lip, looking away shyly for a second, "Anyway… Could we maybe start this whole thing again?" But dark eyes soon rested upon Kakashi's face once more, "Maybe a little slower, this time?" 

He smiled at his young lover, "If you like… I fell for you, Shikamaru." 

The Nara smiled back, "I fell for you too." 

XOXOX

 _Apparently 'a little slower' meant we could still make out…  
_ Kakashi mused as soft lips trailed his jaw.  
 _I'm not really sure how much of this I can take, though…  
_

Out of nowhere, the Nara pulled away, smirking as he looked Kakashi in the eye, "Man, how long has it been for you?" 

Kakashi's eye crinkled as he smiled; clearly it wasn't possible to hide an erection from Shikamaru, "Oh, you know, I had fun a couple days ago, but for a pervert like me it's never enough." 

"Really?" Shikamaru grinned, his hand traveling down to rest upon his boyfriend's groin. 

Kakashi gasped, unwillingly bucking his hips, "Didn't you say something about taking it slower? This," He pulled Shikamaru's hand up a little, "Isn't helping much…" 

The younger man grinned again, "Okay… Maybe not _slower._ Maybe… _Different._ " 

"Different how?" 

"Well, so far," Shikamaru pulled his hand back, ruffling through dark locks, " _You've_ been taking care of _me_. And I never had the chance to return the favor…" He blushed a little, but didn't look awkward, more… _Aroused._

Kakashi swallowed, today seemed to be full of unexpected turns, "Do you want to?" 

"Yes," His voice came out steady albeit hoarse. 

Kakashi closed both eyes for a second, "I'm not going to put you right back in that situation, Loverboy…" 

"You're not. This time around, I've actually thought about it. Calmly." 

His curiosity got the better of him, "What did you think about?"  
He watched Shikamaru swallow, before the youngster moved back on the bed, leaning against the wall. 

"Do you have any more cigarettes?" 

"I do, but I think I'd rather not see you smoke…" 

A small frown, "Why not? Too young for you?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "No, that's not it… When you smoke, it looks too damn sexy. I'm not sure if I'll be able to hear what you have to say…" 

It made Shikamaru laugh, and after a while he started talking again, _sans_ cigarette, "I thought about what you said before, about how you usually prefer to bottom, and that you thought I was probably the other way around. And I thought about how patient you'd been with me, and how I could feel how hard that was on you. And I thought about how I don't even really know what you like,, and how I could… Take care of that, I guess…" He shrugged, blushing again, looking away. But not as uncomfortable as he'd been before. Just a little shy, really. 

Kakashi smiled softly, "That's… A lot of thinking…" 

"Yeah…" 

The silver-haired man nodded to himself, moving to sit beside Shikamaru, like they'd sat together that faithful night, "What I like… I haven't really thought about that for a long time… I mean, I know how to get myself off, but that's not really the same. Mostly, I just… This whole feeling of being in love, and then you loving me back is new for me. I guess so far I'd figured that would be enough. And it is, honestly. But… If you feel like you want to try it out… I'm definitely with you on that one," He winked, "Just don't do anything you don't feel ready for, please. I… I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for doing that to you _once_ , I –" 

"You didn't. I mean… I _was_ ready. Sort of. It kinda hurt more than I thought it would, "He offered the older man a half-smirk, "Not that I mind, it… It was incredible…" 

Kakashi studied him for a little while, his tone soft when he spoke, "I knew. You tried to hide it, but…" He smiled, "I told you that you were gonna be walking funny, right?" 

"Yeah," Shikamaru smiled back, "But you were so worried about hurting me… I guess I just didn't want to worry you any more…" 

"I get that, I shouldn't have freaked out the way I did. I know it made you nervous." 

"A little, but that kinda went away when you… Eh…You _know_ …" He blushed fiercely, staring at his boyfriend's knee. 

Kakashi chuckled, "We're going to have to work on your communication skills a little… I think the phrase you're looking for is ' _touched me_ ,' I could be wrong, though," He winked. 

"Yeah…" Shikamaru bit his lip for a second, before burying his face against the older man's shoulder, "I gotta work on that…" 

The silver-haired man wrapped his arm around the slender frame, "I happen to be _pretty_ descriptive when I feel the need to, is that a problem?" 

"No… It's probably better, 'cause I… Can't yet…" 

A naughty smile appeared on Kakashi's face, "Hmmm? Let's try; Shikamaru, what do you want?" 

" _Dude!"_ He pushed off a little, looking up at his boyfriend's face with a shocked expression on his face, "That's not – I mean –…" 

"I'm serious though, there's only so much I can do on instinct alone…" 

Shikamaru leaned back again, comfortably resting his head on his lover's shoulder, "Well then, what do _you_ want?" 

Kakashi chuckled again, before calmly stating, "Your cock up my ass, your hands on my cock. You, panting, making more of those delightful sounds. I want you to come inside me, both in my ass and my mouth. I want to be the one to jerk you off in the morning, maybe switch it up with some oral if you're in the mood for that. That about clear enough for you?" 

"Uh… Yeah…" 

Again, the older man chuckled, gently lifting his young lover's chin, looking him in the eyes, "But mostly, I just want to make you feel good. And kiss you. A _lot_ of kisses, like so," And he proved his point by pulling Shikamaru in for a long, slow kiss. 

When he released his lover's lips, the young man smiled, leaning back against his shoulder, "Kisses are good… Fucking you is better…" 

"Then tell me what you want." 

He could hear Shikamaru take a deep breath, "I want to put my dick up your ass, I want you to be the one to jerk me off in the morning, maybe switching it up with some oral if you're in the mood for that. I want to jerk _you_ off, maybe… Suck you off?" 

Kakashi smiled, "Was that a question?" 

"I just… Don't really think I'm ready for that yet… Is that okay?" He asked a little insecurely. 

"Yes," Another eye crinkling smile drifted his way as his boyfriend reassured him softly, "You don't ever _have_ to be. But if you want to, I'll be the last person to object." 

The younger man chuckled, "Of course you wouldn't…" 

"Only if you want to, though. I told you once before – " 

"It's not gonna be good for either of you if you don't feel ready, I know, I was listening." 

"I think you might be the best student I've ever had…" He chuckled again. 

"Well, you're not teaching me jutsu. I'm lazy as hell when it comes to jutsu." 

"I figured," Another chuckle, "So we'll stick to sex and cooking, then." 

Shikamaru smirked, "Could we start with the sex part?"


	68. Shocking Truths

AUTHORS NOTE: Aaaaand back to Izumo! And Kotetsu, yay!

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, may the holidays bring cheer but leave time to catch up on all your fav fics! ^.^

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 68: Shocking Truths

XOXOX 

"Eh… Izumo? You alright there?" Asuma asked hesitantly. 

"Yeah… I guess… It's a bit… _Shocking_ …" 

Gai took a sip of his tea, scrunching up his face as he, too, was unpleasantly surprised by the taste of it. Leaning back again, he decided he'd rather be thirsty. The jounin crossed his arms before his chest, "He's quite busy now, though." 

"Kakashi is?" Asuma inquired, pulling out his cigarettes. Holding the pack up he asked, "Anyone mind?" 

They didn't, so he lit one, throwing the pack down on the table as he took his first deep drag, "Kakashi's _never_ busy, Gai. He just pretends to be." 

"In this case, that is not true. I'm fairly sure he will be available tomorrow at the earliest. So that leaves you with _us_ ," He looked at the chuunin who was once again staring at the table. 

"Yeah…" Izumo licked his lips in a nervous gesture, "Not that I know what you want from me…" 

Asuma calmly tapped his ashes in the ashtray, "Containment." 

The younger man started at his words, prompting him to explain further, "Not _you_. I guess you're free to leave If you want to, although I'd really rather you didn't. If you tell us what happened back there, _before_ your little outburst, maybe we can find a way to keep this whole thing from getting too grossly exaggerated. But you'll have to _work_ with us, Izumo. Unless you open up a little, my hands are tied." 

Again his tongue flicked out, the man was almost trembling, "Why do you even _want_ to help me? I hardly know you guys…" 

This made Gai chuckle, "You're our comrade, are you not?" 

"I suppose so…" He sighed, "It doesn't matter now anymore anyway… Kotetsu _hates_ me…" 

"You know… I'm pretty sure that's what _he_ must've thought, too. After he came to talk to me…" Asuma took another drag from his smoke, feeling his guilt settle in again. 

"You're not 'Tetsu… He doesn't do forgiveness…" 

Gai sighed, looking up at the ceiling again, "You are _best friends_ , aren't you? _My_ best friend thought he could not tell me, that I would be disgusted. I'm not, however. And neither is Asuma. If he was, we would not be sitting in his kitchen, drinking his god-awful tea." 

Asuma scowled at the other man, but he realized it was futile, the tea really was disgusting. 

"Gai…?" Izumo called his name hesitantly, "Don't take this the wrong way, but… You're not acting like yourself today…" 

The other men both chuckled, "This is Gai, too. Just… Not very often. Usually it takes Kakashi to draw out his 'inside voice'." 

"Right… I get it… Anyway…" He sighed, licking his lips again, "Tetsu's been acting weird lately… So, I thought I'd ask about it, right? But then he gets all defensive, and I still had _no_ idea what was going on, and then he said –" He stopped talking, flushed and awkwardly trying not to look at either man. 

Crushing his bud in the ashtray, Asuma took a deep breath, "What prompted you to yell at him? You don't have to repeat everything, I'm sure that was a very personal conversation, but…" 

"I can't," Izumo whispered. 

"Why not, Izumo? Neither Gai nor I will judge you for it, we only want to help." 

"I can't… _say_ it…" He was still whispering. Swallowing hard before he shot a quick look at the bearded jounin. Licking his lips again, Izumo slouched down, "I can't say it…" 

Gai cocked his head, "Is it that embarrassing?" 

The chuunin could only nod, cheeks burning hot. 

The jounin looked at each other, each thought they had a pretty good idea what it could have been, but neither felt like voicing their guess out loud. Asuma lit another cigarette, suddenly feeling nervous.  
 _If it's_ _ **that**_ _personal… I think I might not want to know… I don't want to know what Shikamaru thought about me either, or what he told others. I'm not judging them, not anymore, but… I still have some issues with this whole thing. The thought of two guys together is still a bit upsetting.  
_

_Especially when I_ _ **know**_ _them...  
_

XOXOX

Kotetsu sighed, slumping back down in his chair. He knew that he should probably go after him, but… He just couldn't bring himself to do that. 

_He was jerking off to me… I didn't want to believe it, but he just confirmed it.  
He said he… No, that's just wrong, __**gross**_ _. I must've heard him wrong. And besides, it's not like I can leave the gate unguarded, right? Right.  
_

XOXOX

Gai picked up his tea, glaring at it before setting his cup back down, "Which means, that whatever Kotetsu said to you was right on the mark." 

Izumo nodded, swallowing before licking his lips. 

"He saw something?" 

A little shake. 

"Heard you then." 

The tiniest nod. 

"Pretty bad, I suppose." 

Another nod. 

"So that's all it'll take for you to never look your best friend in the eyes again?" Gai's tone had become strict, "A little embarrassment and you immediately turn your back on him? No chance to talk about it, no explanations, not even goodbye. You yell at him that you're in love with the guy and storm off, and _that's_ supposed to be the end of it? Did I get that right?" 

He straightened himself, glaring at the younger man, his tone had gone from strict to harsh, angry even, "Is _that_ the kind of man Izumo Kamizuki is?! Is that the kind of _shinobi_ the man is?! To cower away when things get a little awkward? To give _up_ on his _best friend_ , the man he _loves_ over something as _silly_ as a little _embarrassment?!_ How _dare_ you! You coward!" 

For several moments after that, no-one said another word, Gai was breathing heavily, glaring at the younger man, while Asuma thoughtfully tapped his ashes off again.  
Izumo looked exasperated, staring up at the furious jounin, he licked his lips again. 

"He hates me now…" The chuunin's voice sounded strained, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Asuma inhaled, "Did he actually _say_ that?" 

XOXOX

Kotetsu was bright red, there were people staring at him, whispering about him. Everyone'd heard Izumo yelling at him that he was in love with him. With him, _Kotetsu_. 

He sighed. Pulling at the piece of paper his friend had been drawing on, just to give himself something to do. As his eyes fell on the unconscious doodles Izumo had left behind, tears welled up in Kotetsu's eyes. 

Kotetsu had once told his best friend that even his rough doodles were far better than his own detailed works, and it was true, Izumo's little doodles turned out to be beautiful little drawings. They were all little pictures, little moments of their lives together.  
Izumo and Kotetsu laughing together, the two of them together on gate duty, having dinner… 

Slowly his eyes wandered the lines that made Izumo's inner self visible.  
Them, hugging. A kiss. One where they were walking together, arms draped around each other like they'd done a hundred times before.  
And the last one… 

At first, Kotetsu though that Izumo just hadn't finished it yet, but he quickly realized he was wrong. 

There, on the paper, stood Izumo. He was slumped against the edge of the paper, looking over at an empty spot. Well, not completely empty. He could easily see his own outlines there, but nothing had been filled in. 

Izumo thought he had a Kotetsu shaped hole in his life now. 

The chuunin bowed his head and cried in silence. 

XOXOX

"I.. Not _really…_ Except… I mean… But before, he… He said that… That he could _never_ hate me… But… That was _before…_ " Izumo started to cry, his body shaking violently. 

Asuma looked at Gai, hoping the other man would know what to do now as he himself didn't have a clue. He'd been on the _other_ side of it this whole time.  
Izumo's apparent pain was only now sinking in completely. Shikamaru's pain. Even Kakashi's. 

_I've been a dick. A stupid asshole who let his friends down. Who made them so scared that they thought they could never talk to me about something so important to them.  
It hurts Izumo so bad, I never really realized just __**how**_ _bad this was for them.  
_

_Kakashi, too, eh? I suppose I can't say I'm terribly surprised… He's never shown any interest in actual woman, just fictional ones, I guess. And I've said such horrible things to the man…  
_

XX _Flashback_ XX 

"Yo, Asuma," Kakashi slumped down on the couch next to the bearded jounin. 

"Kakashi," He nodded, "Back already?" 

The silver-haired man smiled at him, eye crinkling in amusement, "Did you really think I was going to take even _longer_ , Asuma? I was out in the desert for _almost three weeks_! Do you even _know_ what that dry air does to my poor skin?" He struck a girly pose, placing his hands on either side of his face as he wiggled his lean body a little. 

Asuma chuckled, "Don't act so gay, dude…"

XX…XX

"Oh my god! That's just _gross_!" A sixteen-year-old Asuma turned to his masked teammate, disgust on his face. 

"Hmm? Oh, those two?" Kakashi cocked his head a little, "Not really the place to be making out like that, no." 

Asuma stared at him incredulously, "There are two guys _groping_ each other over there, and all you come up with is 'not the place'? It's _disgusting_ , Kakashi!" 

"Hmmm? Maybe…" 

XX…XX 

"Asuma! So, you finally ditched those other guys for _me_?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he gently nudged Asuma's shoulder. 

It was the night of his 'Welcome home' party, after he'd left the Guardian Shinobi Twelve.  
Shrugging, the ex-Guardian pushed Kakashi off him, "I didn't ditch _anyone_ for you, you're _weird_... Are you a faggot or something?" Asuma shivered, "Anyway, where'd Kurenai go?" 

Kakashi looked at him a little sadly, "She's over there, talking to Raidou. I was just _joking_ , Asuma…" 

"Yeah, yeah… Whatever…" 

XX…XX 

The small group of young men was calmly chatting away on a street corner when Genma whistled at a couple of girls passing by. They blushed, hurrying past them. 

Kakashi nudged Asuma in the ribs, "Which one?" He asked in a low voice. 

Asuma contemplated the question for a moment, "On the right, with the braids. You?" 

"Eh…" Kakashi wiggled his hand, motioning he wasn't sure, "There's no brunettes…" 

"Oy, Genma, shave your head, will ya?" Asuma called over at the older man. 

The guy in question raised his eyebrows, moving the senbon around in his mouth, " _Why?_ " 

"Kakashi here only does brunettes, we'll make a wig out of it. All he has to do is put it on whatever girl looks cute enough to pass inspection, right?" Asuma laughed, soon joined by most of the others. 

Kakashi's cheeks turned a little pink, "Asuma…" He said softly, "Stop it.." 

XX _End Flashback_ XX 

_Yeah… I've been a_ _ **total**_ _asshole… I'll go over tomorrow, no matter what. I'll properly apologize for being the biggest jerk_ _ **ever**_ _.  
_

Gai leaned over a little, placing a comforting hand on Izumo's shoulder, "If he said that he would never hate you, do you not think you should at least give your best friend the benefit of the doubt?" 

"Maybe…" He wiped at his eyes, "But I don't know if I'll ever be able to look him in the eyes again after this…" 

Asuma swallowed hard, remembering the awkward conversation he'd had with Shikamaru, right here at this table, "You should at least try, Izumo," He said softly, "It may not be as bad as you think right now." 

XOXOX

 _He's my best friend, he's always been my best friend. Always right by my side. The one guy I could always depend on, no matter the time, or the place, or the subject. He's always been there for me.  
_

_And now he tells me he's in love with me…  
For how long, I wonder? Years, probably, knowing Iz. And he never said anything about it. Never even mentioned he might like guys. That's __**my**_ _fault, though.  
_

_Iz and some guy… I don't really have a problem with that, I guess. It's just… I love him, really love the guy, but not like that. And hearing him say that he_ _ **does**_ _… It's… Weird. A bit scary, I guess.  
But what do __**I**_ _have to be scared about? He's the one that's been too afraid all this time. He's never done_ _ **anything**_ _to me. He's my_ _ **best friend.**_ _And never once had he made any sort of move on me. Never touched me like that…  
We hug, yes, but I hug him __**too**_ _. And snuggle up to him on the couch sometimes. That must've been hard on him… And yet, he never used_ _ **any**_ _of that to his advantage…  
So many times where he had the chance to, though. And he __**never**_ _did…  
_

_I_ _ **do**_ _love him. Just not like that. I love him as my best friend. And now he probably thinks I never even want to see him again. I want to see him again, I want to be his friend.  
I don't care if he kisses other guys, just not… __**Me**_ _.  
_

_He's my best friend!_

XOXOX

"So we're good here, Shikaku?" Tsunade moved the files around, dividing them up so they could each take their own files with them. 

"I think so, we've gone through every one of those, right?" He watched her nod, moving to stand up, "Tsunade… Do you think it'll help if I just go see Kakashi?" 

She slumped back down, biting her nail, "I'm not sure… Right now, I'd say no, but… Maybe later today or tomorrow? Don't push him into anything, just… Maybe he'll talk to _you_ …" 

"He didn't want to even _talk_ to you?" 

"He did," She shrugged, "But there wasn't much he could say… Poor guy was all torn up inside, but he'd given someone his word that their secret would be safe of something… Honestly, I don't know if he'll talk to you or not, but…" 

He offered a comforting smile, "It's worth a shot." 

"Exactly. Maybe he'll be able to talk to a guy… I'm just speculating at this point, though… Anyway, I have to be in the briefing room in – Well, right now. Let me know how it goes, okay?" 

"Sure," He called after her as she left the little conference room. Hoping against hope that Kakashi _would_ indeed talk to him.  
 _He gave his word… I doubt he'll ever break that. But I'll offer nonetheless, anything to keep the man from falling apart again. Not only because he doesn't deserve that… We also just_ _ **need**_ _the guy…_


	69. Begging For It

AUTHORS NOTE: Lemon alert! Welcome to my dirty, perverted mind ;)  
 **Smut on Chapter 69!** Whoohoo! (I _seriously_ reshuffled chapters for that… -.-") 

" _Don´t save it all for Christmas Day  
Find your way  
To give a little love every day_"  
/Shameless stealing xD 

But really, love is what these guys have ^.^ And I _love_ this chappy – can't help it ;)  
Hope you enjoy, and as always, please let me know what you think! 

_**I wish you all a steamy Christmas and a smutty New Year!**_  
(Though I'll be updating again before New Year's Eve, probably ;) And so long as you keep following _my_ stories, you're smutty 2016 is set :P)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 69: Begging For It 

XOXOX

Kakashi smiled, "Definitely," He slowly leaned over, recapturing his lover's lips. Shikamaru soon took charge, kissing back hungrily. Kakashi was pushed back on the bed, impatient hands all but yanking open his shirt. He stilled them, "Baby, leave the buttons on, will you? I hate having to re-sew buttons. I know better ways to spend my time," He winked before undoing the buttons himself.

Shikamaru was leaning over him, hands resting on either side of his silver-haired lover. His dark eyes intently following Kakashi's every move. When the shirt was open, he wiggled free, gasping when Shikamaru instantly took the opportunity to push his undershirt up over his stomach. After freeing himself from that piece of clothing too, Kakashi brought up his hands to cup his lover's face, his eye searching the young Nara's features. His tone was soft when he spoke, even if, secretly, he was a little concerned, "What's the rush, Cuteness?" 

The Nara smirked, "I wanna see you naked, I wanna be naked _with_ you." 

Kakashi sighed softly, "Is it because you're nervous?" 

"No," Shikamaru pulled free, sitting up to discard his own T-shirt. Bare-chested, he sat back on his knees, his hands laying on his own legs, not touching his worried lover, "Okay, I am a _little_. But that's not why I want your clothes off so bad…" He bit his lip for a second, a blush creeping up. Unexpectedly, Shikamaru chuckled, "I'm horny. I was too nervous before but I still wanted to, _so_ bad, and now…" He swallowed, his voice hoarse when he spoke up again, "I want you." 

Kakashi too, swallowed, his voice equally throaty when he spoke, "And I want you, Loverboy. But I don't want to rush this. I love you, and I want to savor the moment. That okay?" 

He watched the Nara nod before leaning down for another kiss. Shikamaru let his hands wander his lover's torso, his weight supported by Kakashi's strong arms. When the older man suddenly gasped, he smiled, "You like that?" 

"Yes," The silver-haired man panted, "But be gentle for now… They're sensitive…" 

The Nara smiled again, his fingers softly toying with his lover's nipples. The man was moaning, panting under his ministrations, occasionally bucking lean hips, "Ah, Shikamaru… _Mmmm, ah_ … Cuteness, that's so… _Ah,_ so good… _Ah… Mmmm…_ No, wait… Ah, stop…" 

Immediately though reluctantly he moved away, returning his hands to rest on the sheets, leaning over, "You okay?" He studied the face he loved so much, Kakashi was flushed, still panting but he had a big smile on his face. 

"Oh yeah… Just can't take it for too long. Not now, anyway…" 

Shikamaru returned his lover's smile, cocking his head, "Not _now_?" 

"It's… A bit difficult to explain right now… I'm still…" He let out a shaky breath, "Later, okay?" He watched his lover nod, "Shikamaru, why don't you grab the lube, you know where, right?"  
The young man nodded again, stretching his body to open Kakashi's secret drawer. Kakashi swallowed as the tanned, slender frame hovering just above him seemed to stretch on for infinity. Shikamaru really looked _perfect._

He was startled out of his dreamy state by the Nara's surprised voice, "Dude, what have you _got_ in here?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Oh, you know…" 

Shikamaru shifted so he could peer into the drawer. 

"You can just take it all out if you want, Cuteness. There's no secrets there, just…" He swallowed, "A few things that are a little embarrassing…" 

His lover looked back at him, "If you'd rather I didn't…" 

The older man offered him a comforting smile, "No, it's alright. I've got no secrets, not from you. Though I think I'd appreciate a little gentility here, I _was_ alone for the longest time…" The Nara nodded, moving away from him for better access. Kakashi sat up, leaning back against the wall again, this could take some time…  
His boyfriend calmly picked the drawer clean, carefully placing each item on the sheets. Apparently he'd decided not to really look at any of it until the drawer was empty, Kakashi started to feel like grabbing a cigarette…  
Eventually, Shikamaru removed the last few items, a small stack of magazines, placing them on the bed with the other things the copy ninja had collected over the years. He moved to sit beside his lover, eying the collection before them, "That's… Quite a lot…" 

"Yeah…" 

"Who knew you could stuff so much in such a little space?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "I did. There was room to spare, even." 

"Yeah… That's thing's pretty big though, isn't it?" He gingerly pointed at one of the dildo's. 

"Yeah, it's…" Kakashi sighed, giving in to temptation he picked up his cigarettes. 

"Gimme." 

Chuckling, he held out the pack, lighting both smokes before placing the ashtray in between them, "I found that… Years back, in some shady little store. Couldn't resist." 

Shikamaru snickered, "Get much use out of it?" 

"Eh… Probably a little _too_ much… I told you about that huge guy once, right? It's about the same size…" 

"Wow… Huge indeed," There was a sense of wonder in the younger man's voice as he eyed t he toy once more. But then he shifted his gaze, pointing again, "What's that?" 

"Nipple clamps. Yes the name's pretty clear, yes they hurt after a while, yes I use them," He smirked, "Often." 

Shikamaru turned his gaze on his blushing boyfriend, "On a scale of one to ten, how embarrassing is this?" 

He watched Kakashi inhale, looking up at the ceiling. After he inhaled again, he looked his young lover in the eyes, "On a scale of one to ten? With anyone else, about a hundred. With you… Seven or eight, maybe?" 

The Nara chuckled, "That's still pretty bad, huh? But… I'm curious, you okay with that?" 

"I am," He said calmly, "But it _is_ a little awkward for me, so…" 

Shikamaru rested his head on the older man's shoulder, snuggling quietly for a few seconds, "Just tell me if I go too far, okay?" He could hear his lover hum, smiling as he pointed at the next object, this one couldn't be too embarrassing, he decided, "Why do you have massage oil in there?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "It's not. Well, it _is_ , but it's also lube. And it's unopened, in case you were wondering." 

"I kinda was… What's with the handcuffs and the excess of leather stuff?" 

The silver-haired man wrapped an arm around the slender body next to him, pulling Shikamaru closer, "I wasn't always… Caring, I guess. And a little while ago I probably would've gone hard at the mere thought of you tying me up. But… It's… After Tsunade –" He swallowed, "I guess the thought kind of scares me now…" 

"No worries. I wouldn't, not if you don't want to… Does the same go for the whip, though?" There was a naughty grin Shikamaru's face as he looked up at Kakashi. 

For a moment, he just stared at his younger lover, but then he chuckled, "No, and that's actually a flogger that you're pointing at… The whip's over there," He smiled, but then turned serious, "But I don't think we should be bringing in toys just yet. Maybe someday but… Right now, you're more than enough Precious." 

His lover smirked back, placing a soft kiss on thin lips, "You're probably more than I can even handle at this point… Love that, though. I'm really just curious." 

"Very well then, ask away." 

"Why do you have so many different kinds of lube?" 

"Hmmm… Not sure, actually… That one's flavored, banana if you're interested, the massage stuff, well that's a different story entirely… But no, I actually don't know. Although the stuff in the yellow bottle just feels wrong. I thought I'd thrown that out already…" He frowned lightly at the bright yellow bottle. 

"Okay… What, eh… What's that?" 

Kakashi laughed, "Butt plug." 

"Butt plug? Like… Seriously? They _make_ stuff like that?" 

"Yep. It's, eh… A pretty good addition to just jerking off…" He blushed a little, grabbing another smoke. 

"And… That thing with the beads?" 

"Goes in the same way, feels pretty damn good… The beads get larger as the string goes on, see? So you can choose how much you wanna take…" He smiled again, still blushing, but in a sort of awkward way this was also fun. 

"Ah… Say, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"Why do you have a bright pink dildo…?" Shikamaru sounded amused, and his older lover burst out laughing. 

"Just because I can… I have pretty much all the colors of the rainbow by now," He chuckled, "This is just one that feels really nice…" 

"Wait," Shikamaru turned to him, surprise clear on his face, "This isn't even all of it? Wow… But then, where's the rest of the stuff?" 

"In the closet," He chuckled, "God, that sounded _way_ too appropriate… Anyway, there's a huge chest sitting on the floor. It's not all… _This_ kind of stuff, it's just storage, really. I'm just happy Tsunade didn't stumble upon it in her little weapon hunt…" A chill ran down the older man's spine, "Cause _that_ would have been _humiliating_ …" 

Shikamaru chuckled, he could definitely imagine Tsunade's reaction if she were to come across Kakashi's personal stuff, "She'd have never backed off again. And then _I_ wouldn't have had the chance to jump you, and none of this would've ever happened, and I'm really, _really_ glad she didn't find it," He said in one breath before crashing his lips against Kakashi's, kissing his boyfriend roughly while moving to sit on his lap. His hands unconsciously wandered down to Kakashi's nipples again, earning him a delighted moan. 

" _Ah,_ that feels good… Wait, let me –" He quickly crushed his cigarette, placing the ashtray back on the windowsill, "Shikamaru," He licked his suddenly dry lips, "You don't have to be gentle this time okay? I –" Kakashi was cut off by his own low moan as Shikamaru pinched. 

A lazy smile crept across the Nara's face. He pinched again, toying around some more before suddenly moving back, chuckling as a little whimper escaped his lover's lips. Leaning his back against the wall once more, he picked up the cigarettes, calmly lighting one as the man beside him slowly started to catch his breath, "You know…" The young man drawled out, "I just realized something… We slept in, and then we had a really late breakfast – I suppose you could almost call it lunch…" 

"Yes… So?" Kakashi retrieved the ashtray again, studying his boyfriend's face, feeling a little uncertain. 

"It's still early… We have all day…" Shikamaru showed him a naughty smile, "And I'm going to make you beg for it." 

Kakashi swallowed, he was pretty sure he was about ready to beg already. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down, " _Really_ aggressive, and a _tease_ as well… Cuteness, you're just _full_ of surprises…" 

He watched as his lover smirked, "Good, 'cause I need _something_ to help me keep up with you." Bending over, Shikamaru flicked his tongue over a hard nipple, making his lover gasp. But he retreated again immediately after, earning him a frustrated look from Kakashi. Ignoring that, the Nara picked up one of the magazines, studying the cover for a few moments before calmly flipping it open. 

His cheeks flushed, his eyes widened, the cigarette dangled all but forgotten between his fingers as he licked suddenly dry lips. 

Kakashi leaned against his shoulder, following his young lover's gaze he chuckled, " _That's_ actually… _Very_ hard to do… You'd pretty much be dislocating your hip." 

Shikamaru blinked, " _This_ wasn't on the cover!" 

"Well no," Kakashi chuckled again, "They don't put it on the cover because it's a little too… Hard-core. They're not all like that, though. Should I –" 

"No. I… I kinda…" He swallowed, "Wanna see…" 

Kakashi frowned, "Go ahead, I guess, but… I kind of feel like I should warn you or something… It's eh, _really_ hard-core. I think I'd actually rather see you put that one away again… I'm sorry, it's just –" 

"Okay. I mean, I'll trust you on that one. So…" He put the magazine aside, eyeing the stack, "Which one?" 

"Hmmm…" Kakashi got to his knees, leaning over to examine the options, "Maybe… This on– _Ah! Shikamaru!_ " He quickly turned his head to look at his lover. 

Shikamaru smiled innocently, his hand still massaging Kakashi's ass, "What?" 

'You know damn well _what!_ ' – was what he _tried_ to say, what actually came out was a string of moans as his body – without any sort of permission from its owner _whatsoever_ – moved back against that stroking, groping hand, grinding against it. 

Shikamaru smirked as he let his hand glide down, cupping his boyfriend's erection he gave a gentle squeeze before dropping his hand to rest upon his knee, "Which one did you choose?" He peered over, innocent curiosity on his face. 

" _Seriously?"_ Kakashi was panting, exasperated at his young lover's sudden change in demeanor. 

"What? I said I wanted to look. You said you choose one, right?" 

Kakashi picked up the magazine he'd dropped earlier, tossing it over before he moved to his earlier position against the wall. He shakily lit a cigarette as Shikamaru curiously studied him, looking completely innocent, "So you're just going to keep doing that all day until I cave?" 

"Do what? I didn't do anything…" 

The silver-haired man moaned, "Damn you, Cuteness… How the hell do you even _know_ …?" 

"Know what?" One eyebrow quirked, the Nara was smirking. 

" _Every_. Single. One of my buttons. You're going to find them all within a day, aren't you?" He looked over at the young man beside him, exasperation clear on his face. 

"What can I say? They call me a genius…" 

Kakashi let out a shaky breath, "Tease…" 

Shikamaru only smiled at him before turning his attention to the magazine in his hands. Flipping it open , he studied the picture before him, blushing slightly as his eyes took in every single detail of the naked man before him. He swallowed, looking up to find Kakashi smirking at him, "Like what you see?" 

"I eh, yeah…" 

"There's more of them, you know," Kakashi chuckled, "That's just page one…" 

"Yeah… I… Uh…" Bright-red, Shikamaru put the magazine down, burying his face against his lover's chest. 

Kakashi chuckled again, throwing an arm around the young man, "My, _my_ , did I throw you off your game, Cuteness?" 

"No," The other replied curtly, before softly biting down on Kakashi's nipple. The man moaned, feeling himself go limb. He gasped as Shikamaru placed his hand on the man's groin, softly stroking while his other hand ghosted over the pale skin of Kakashi's stomach. 

"Oh good lord…" Shikamaru's mouth left his chest, his hand now diligently fondling Kakashi's other nipple. The young man trailed soft kisses along his lover's throat.  
Kakashi whimpered.  
 _If he wants me to beg, that's fine. But I'm –_ "Ah…" _Not giving up so –_ "Oh god…" _So easily.  
_

Shikamaru's attentions became almost unbearable.  
 _Okay… Maybe I am.  
_ "Cuteness, please… _Ah,_ oh, _please_ just… Mmmm, please I can't… _Mmmm…_." 

The Nara purred against his skin, "You begging already, Babe?" 

"Yes… I – _Ah_ … I am… Mmmm… _Please_ … Take me, Shika – _Ah – Oh_ _ **god**_ _…_ __I want you… _Ah_ … Inside me… _Please_ …" 

Out of nowhere, Shikamaru moved away again, chuckling, "Have it your way, Slutty." 

" _I'm_ … _Slutty_?" The older man panted, "You're… A bloody… _Tease!"_

The Nara only smirked at him, before turning to clear the bed. Kakashi leaned back against the wall, taking a few deep breaths, "Just throw it on the floor _, damnit_ , don't make me wait any longer!" He managed to squeeze out between his teeth. 

Promptly, Shikamaru was back on him, massaging him trough his pants, while pressing his lips to the older man's pulse. Increasing the pressure in Kakashi's already quivering body. When he felt like his lover'd had enough, he turned again, swiftly clearing the bed the way Kakashi had suggested. Leaving only the lube bottles and the magazines, telling him to pick a bottle as he carefully placed the stack of magazines on the desk. 

"Cuteness, I can't… I can hardly move right now," He moaned, causing the younger man to chuckle. 

He picked one out himself, a blueish-black tube with the word ' _Midnight_ ' written on it in sparkly blue letters, looking up at Kakashi. The man smiled, nodding approvingly, "Though, for your first time, I wouldn't go with the tingly one…" 

Shikamaru smirked, tossing it aside, pointing at another one. He remembered this one, white with some red, it had been the one Kakashi used on him yesterday morning. As his lover smiled, he picked it up, sweeping the other ones off the bed in one swift move. He climbed back on the bed, settling himself on his boyfriend's lap once more, "You're addicting," He breathed, letting his hands glide over Kakashi's muscular chest. The silver-haired man could only moan, completely overwhelmed by his young lover. After a little while, and some more teasing touches, Shikamaru leaned over to whisper in his lover's ear, "Lay down, Kakashi." 

He moved off of him, smirking as the man basically let himself fall. He lay on his side, looking up at Shikamaru, still panting, but serious, his tone soft as he asked, "Back or front, Shikamaru?" 

The Nara swallowed, but his hoarse voice came out steady, albeit soft, "I want to see you." 

So Kakashi turned on his back, maneuvering himself to the middle of the bed. His hands shaking as he tried to open his pants. 

"Let me," Gentle hands brushed his own aside, undoing the button before the young man straddled his legs, looking right into Kakashi's eye as he bent over. Kakashi propped himself up on his elbows, swallowing as he saw the look in his lover's eyes. Shikamaru kept his gaze trained on the older man's face for as long as he could before using his teeth to slowly pull down the zipper. Kakashi moaned again, trying to keep his hips still, knowing the younger man would most likely not appreciate him going over his boundaries like that. But it was hard, and as Shikamaru's lips enclosed him through his boxers for a second, he couldn't stop it. Groaning, he felt his hips move up. Shaken, he swallowed, wanted to apologize. 

But the Nara looked up, a smirk on his face, teasing, " _Slutty._ " 

It was too much for the older man, and he allowed his body to fall back on the bed. His pants and boxers were pulled down together and soon disappeared. Some movement on the bed and the rustling of fabric indicated that Shikamaru too, had shed the remainder of his clothes. He wanted to look up, to see whether it was just the pants, or the boxers as well. But he remembered Shikamaru's earlier words, his discomfort, and didn't want to repeat his mistake. Still, the question was answered when his lover stretched himself atop his body. No boxers. Definitely _no_ boxers. He swallowed. 

"Hey there, Sexy," Shikamaru breathed before kissing soft lips. 

"Hey," His lover croaked out, gingerly wrapping his arms around the younger form. 

Shikamaru swallowed a little nervously before rocking his hips a little. He'd been surprised earlier, when their erections had first brushed against each other through their pants, but that was _nothing_ compared to this. He gasped, moaning at the sensation. 

"Cuteness," Kakashi said softly, brushing a strand of dark hair from his lover's face, "Not that I mind, but if you keep this up for a minute or so more, I'm gonna come," He swallowed, "And I'm pretty sure that goes for both of us." 

"Uhuh, don't care. Need this, " The young man moaned, increasing his efforts as he buried his face in the crook of his boyfriend's neck. Kakashi moaned, he agreed, he needed it too.  
It didn't even take a minute, mere seconds later, Kakashi shuddered, his eyes fell closed and he could feel Shikamaru tremble in his arms as he too, reached his climax. 

Within a few seconds, the Nara rolled off him, laying side by side the lover's looked each other in the eye, smiling. Kakashi chuckled a little breathlessly, "Are you going to start this whole thing over again now?" 

"Only if you want to… I was thinking more along the lines of kissing you again," Rolling over to his side, he closed the gap between their lips, slowly mapping out his lover's mouth, taking his sweet time. They wrapped their arms around each other, pressing their bodies tightly together. Kakashi slipped one leg in between the Nara's, gently moving back and forth, making the younger man moan into the kiss. Suddenly, he broke away, arching his back as he grinded against his lover's leg. Kakashi smiled, seeing the young Nara get aroused was one of the best sights in the world. Together with watching him sleep, smile, talk – anything really, as long as it was Shikamaru. 

"Kakashi," He panted, "Stop… I wanna… In you… Come on…" 

Still smiling, he retreated, placing a soft kiss on his lover's lips. Propping his head up with his hand, he comfortably lay on his side, watching as Shikamaru tried to catch his breath. After only a little while, the Nara smiled at him, pushing himself up. He retrieved the lube, and Kakashi rolled back, spreading his legs, opening himself up for his young lover. He leaned on his elbows, watching the ripple of muscles under tanned skin as his boyfriend moved. 

As Shikamaru settled himself between his lover's legs, he nervously licked his lips, looking into Kakashi's one, grey eye, "So…" He chuckled a little self-consciously, "I've never done this before…" 

His lover laughed a little, "I know, Cuteness. If you want, I'll guide you through. If not," He shrugged, "I'll let you know before something goes wrong," Winking, he added, "Though it's kind of hard to mess up with me." 

"What do you mean?" 

He smiled softly, "I've been around, you know that much. I know the exact limits of my body and my comfort zone. And I trust you completely." 

The Nara swallowed.  
 _'Completely,' that's a pretty big deal…  
_ "Just… Let me know? If I'm… Doing something wrong, or if I hurt you…" 

Another easy smile, "I will." 

Nodding, he opened the cap of the lube bottle, gingerly squirting some on his fingers. 

"You'll need more than that," His tone was soft, "More for your own comfort, but still…" 

Nodding again, he doubled the amount, looking up to see if Kakashi agreed. The silver-haired man nodded, smiling softly. 

Kakashi gasped as the cold lube touched him, instantly realizing he'd forgotten to remind his lover to warm it up first. But it didn't really matter, soon enough, it would absorb his own body heat anyway. His breath all but hitched as soft fingers gingerly stroked him. He moaned, it'd been way too long…  
Shifting a little, he increased the pressure of Shikamaru's fingers by moving his own body into them. It had been an unconscious move on his part, but it seemed that the Nara got the gist of it. His hesitant moves becoming but a little stronger.  
Kakashi found himself already panting, gasping as he felt one finger slip in. He swallowed, squeezing out some encouragement, hoping Shikamaru could understand the unarticulated moans.  
He was already too far gone, too lost in sensations that had plagued his mind and disturbed his dreams for years. Suddenly, Kakashi couldn't bear the thought of Shikamaru taking it slow. He knew he had to give his lover time – to pluck up the courage if nothing else – but it really had been way too long. 

Although he couldn't make out the words, Shikamaru understood his lover's need, the almost-desperation the older man felt. He increased his pace, taking a calming breath before sliding out again to add a second finger, trying to do this as smoothly as he possibly could, not wanting to interrupt his pace. A happy smile flashed on his face as he realized he'd pulled it off, somehow realizing that although Kakashi had stilled his movements when he did this for _him_ , he needn't worry about that now.  
In a way, Kakashi's desperate need was a sight to behold. Never before would Shikamaru have guessed that his older lover could be reduced to a whimpering , begging mess so easily. Kakashi probably didn't even realize, but Shikamaru couldn't help but get turned on by it; His inexperienced touches were rewarded with such a state – it was the best sort of encouragement he could ever hope for.  
Kakashi was trying to formulate words again, and, vaguely remembering a similar situation when _he_ was laying on his back, Shikamaru stilled. 

It took a couple of shaky breaths on Kakashi's part, but he finally managed to make himself understandable, "Spread them out… For a little… I don't… You can _go_ after, if you're… Okay with that… It's… Up to you, though." 

Shikamaru smiled, leaning over he placed a soft kiss on the lips he loved so much, "What would you rather have, Cuteness?" 

Kakashi smiled as the pet name he used for Shikamaru was now unexpectedly returned, "You, in me, now," He breathed. 

"Wouldn't that hurt?" 

Another soft smile, "A little… But it's up to you." 

Shikamaru bit his lip for a second, "It's not too bad?" 

"No, not at all." 

"I love you." 

"I love you too, Cuteness." 

Shikamaru smiled wide, giving another quick peck on Kakashi's lips before moving down again, he couldn't resist flicking his tongue out at one of Kakashi's nipples. Causing the man to moan and swiftly grab hold of his head, holding it in place. Smiling he softly tugged a little. 

"Bite it," His tone was rough, like it had been that first night they'd been together. It had scared Shikamaru then, but now he realized it was pure, undiluted lust. Smiling again, he bit down. The man was writhing under him, still holding his head in place. When the hands abruptly disappeared, Shikamaru let go, looking at his lover's face to see if he's held on for too long after all. But Kakashi was smiling, almost grinning. One hand returned, softly stroking the Nara's hair, "Thank you. I needed that." 

Shikamaru almost moaned as Kakashi's bedroom voice returned again, and now he _really_ couldn't stand to wait any longer – that man could get him off with his voice _alone_! Moving down, he tried to replicate the position that Kakashi'd used, but somehow couldn't quite remember. Frowning in confusion, annoyed with himself, he looked up. Kakashi was leaning on his elbows, amusement on his face. The need had been pushed back again, and Shikamaru was starting to figure out why. But he didn't have time to dwell on it. 

"Having trouble?" The silver-haired man chuckled, pushing himself up. Sliding forward, he settled himself on his knees, hovering above his lover's lap. For a few moments they studied each other, Kakashi's arms draped around the Nara's shoulders as the younger man's hands rested on his hips, "Shikamaru," He breathed, before whispering in his ear, "I'm going to slide down on you," He swallowed, "You guide yourself in, alright?" 

The younger man nodded, beyond words as the reality of the situation sank in.  
 _I'm really going to do this. I'm about to fuck Kakashi Hatake – the hottest man on earth. And he_ _ **wants**_ _me to, oh god he wants me so bad he's shaking. I'm really going to fuck him, take him, own him… I love him so much…  
_

Kakashi kept whispering in his ear, telling him what to do, easing all the insecurities his inexperienced lover had. And as he felt himself slide inside, Shikamaru moaned . This was better than anything he'd ever felt before. He could hear Kakashi's moans, even louder than his own, as he slowly pushed himself down on the young Nara. When finally, Kakashi took the other in as far as their position would allow him, he rested his forehead on his lover's shoulder, "Oh god, Shikamaru, you feel so good…" 

The Nara gave an unseen smirk before softly kissing his elder's neck, "You feel even better." 

Kakashi chuckled lightly, then moved. Sliding himself up, before coming back down, just once. Shikamaru gasped, clenching tightly to pale hips, "Oh _god,_ that's… I can't… Oh my _god_ …" 

Chuckling again, the silver-haired man looked him in the eyes, "Pretty sure I was right then," He mumbled, smiling once more before moving again. He was getting serious now, working up a steady pace, and Shikamaru could feel himself soar. If just feeling Kakashi around him was the best feeling in the world, than _this_ must be the best feeling in the universe. He swallowed, tears welling up in his eyes. 

He shot his boyfriend a look, suddenly worried that Kakashi might mistake his tears for pain or something like that, but the older man smiled at him through his moaning pants, his own tears staining perfect cheeks. 

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _I just want to make this perfectly clear for all of you who are also following my other story, 'Three Clans Unite'- this is_ _ **not**_ _a cliffhanger. This is what I call an open ending. Use your own imagination and don't bother me about finishing the bloody non-existent cliffhanger please.  
I __**may**_ _have indulged you at 3 clans – no wait, I_ _ **loved**_ _that… (OMG did I just quote my own Kakashi from my_ _ **other**_ _story? *Bows head in shame*) Anyway, it'll not happen here. Here, I have a pretty strict chapter structure, even though you pervvy peeps may not always notice. Point here is:_ _ **Deal with it.**_ _Use your own imagination for once, and_ _ **no**_ _, this 'missing piece' as I'm pretty sure some of you are going to want to call it, is not even going to show up in the side notes. Do I make myself clear?  
_

_Okay, I'll stop ranting now – just wanted to get my point across, but, as always when I'm writing smut, it's late. No, it's so late it's getting early… So… I may be ranting just a little – so be it.  
Still love you all, though! *mutters* Probably would love you even more if you'd leave me a review on all my hard work…  
_

_Yeah, okay, I'll stop now ^.^_


	70. Surprising Visits

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm starting to feel _really_ sorry for Izumo's nervous gesture… I'm addicted to chap stick myself and I can't even _begin_ to count the number of times this guy's licked his lips already… They must be _so_ chafed now! Aww… Oh and I feel bad for his situation too, obviously… ;)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 70: Surprising Visits Spark New Conversations

XOXOX 

Iruka was startled by a knock on the door; Almost dropping his glass of water. Quickly setting it on the counter, he turned to the door. Out of habit, he glanced around the room as he walked, stopping dead in his tracks as he noticed the state of the place. He moved as swiftly as he could, stuffing the magazines that were laying around – he'd bought about a dozen of them, convincing himself that he was just 'testing the theory'– under the covers of his bed. He kicked the pants and briefs _under_ the bed and, looking around once more, nodded approvingly. 

There was another knock, and Iruka all but jumped as he realized he'd kept his unexpected visitor waiting, "I'm coming!" 

When he opened the door, Iruka couldn't hide his surprise at seeing the three men standing on his doorstep.  
 _What the hell do Gai, Asuma and Izumo have to do with each other? And why are they_ _ **here**_ _?! Izumo looks about as well as Kakashi did when – No, it_ _ **couldn't**_ _be, right?  
_

Asuma flicked his cigarette bud away, "Iruka, I realize this is sudden, and you're probably more than a little surprised right now, but could we please come in?" 

"Eh, sure, come on in…" He stepped aside and, after closing the door, followed them inside. 

The three man had each sat down on one side of his low table, with the two jounin flanking the younger man. All of the sudden, his apartment felt very small, with four man occupying almost all the empty space he had. 

"Would you like some tea?" 

"Is it better than Asuma's?" Izumo chuckled nervously, "Cause his was pretty horrible." 

"I, eh… I _think_ so?" 

Softly shaking his head in bewilderment, the scarred chuunin turned. His little kitchenette was against the wall of his two room apartment – the only reason there were _two_ rooms was called 'the bathroom'– but usually, this was enough space. It just felt a little crowded with all four of them here. He silently hoped no-one would get it in their head to sit down on the bed after all. As he filled the kettle, he wondered again why these men were here in the first place, he didn't ask though, figuring he would wait until he'd sat down as well.  
Going through the motions of preparing the tea, Iruka let his mind wander, aimlessly going back and forth between his own troubles and the sudden appearance of the unlikely trio. 

Finally, he turned. First setting down the cups of Gai on his left and Izumo on the other side of the table before grabbing Asuma's – who was sitting to his right – and his own. He sat down, curiously studying the three faces. 

"You're probably wondering why we're here," Gai said softly, taking a small, almost hesitant sip of his tea. Apparently it tasted good, because he smiled before taking another sip. Turning serious again, the man rested his gaze upon Iruka, "I've spoken to Kakashi, he told me." 

"Told you what?" Hiding behind his own cup, Iruka wasn't planning on inadvertently disclosing his best friend's secret. 

"The same thing he told you. That he's attracted to men." 

"Right… And that caused you to show up _here_ …?" 

Asuma smiled, "In a way… According to Gai we can't bother the guy right now. But our young friend here," He placed a hand on Izumo's shoulder, "Needs some support. And since you've already been kind enough to give yours to Kakashi and – the _other_ one, we were kind of hoping…" 

"The _other_ one?" Iruka asked, he recognized he was going to have to figure this out one detail at a time. 

Gai gave him a slow smile, "We've kind of decided to honor his privacy in this, he's still young and we should allow him his own pace." 

"And that _somehow_ doesn't go for _Kakashi_ as well?" One eyebrow quirked, annoyed. 

"I made that call, and I'll take the responsibility for it. But we needed to calm this guy down and it seemed the only realistic option at the time." 

"I… See…" Iruka cocked his head, regarding the man before him carefully, "Izumo, are… Are you?" 

The brunette across from him chuckled a little nervously, "You're still gonna ask?" 

"I guess I am," He gave him a serious look, but still warm, "Are you gay?" 

Izumo shivered, licking his lips anxiously, he gave a small nod, before dropping his gaze to the table. 

"He was at the center of quite a scene earlier," Asuma unconsciously fondled his pack of cigarettes. Realizing this, he quickly dropped his hand, "Anyway, Gai and I kind of… Came to his rescue." 

" _Abducted me_." 

Asuma shrugged, "Same thing." 

Izumo sighed. He was _never_ going to understand these guys… 

"Okay, wait," Iruka held up both hands, "I'm all confused now. _What_ scene?" 

Both jounin expectantly looked at the young man they'd brought along. But he hunched himself over, licking his lips. His eyes darting around as if he was looking for a way out. Iruka couldn't help but feel sorry for him, "Izumo," He deliberately kept his tone soft, "Would it be alright with you if Gai or Asuma tells me?" 

He nodded, "No. Wait. I-I'll tell you…" He licked his lips again, "I was on Gate duty with Kotetsu, and… I-I thought he'd been… Acting weird lately… Like, distant?" He shot Iruka a look, getting an encouraging nod in return, "Right. So. I… I asked what was wrong, but he… He said nothing was wrong, but… I mean, _something_ was up, so I… I _pushed_ a little," Again his tongue flicked out nervously, "And we kind of… We went back and forth for a while, you know?" Another look, another nod. Iruka was starting to get a pretty clear picture of where this was going…  
"Yeah, like, well, _eventually_ … He said… He said that… That he…" Izumo fell quiet for a little while, his tongue flicking out at irregular intervals, his cheeks burning, his eyes focused on his tea. When he finally spoke up again, his voice didn't rise above a whisper, "On our mission, he _heard_ me… When I was…" A deep breath, "Jerking off. Calling his name," He didn't look up, his body shaking. 

Iruka couldn't take it anymore. Getting up, he walked around the table, squatting down beside the other man. He gently placed a hand on one, trembling shoulder, squeezing just a little. Suddenly, Izumo cried out, "I _love_ him!" 

Iruka'd pretty much gathered as much by now, but he intentionally kept his tone soft and warm, "Did you tell him that?" 

Izumo nodded, staring at his tea as he whispered, "He called me a sick bastard…" 

Iruka closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing against the tears that threatened to spill over.  
 _Poor guy…_  
"Then what happened?" 

"I ran away…" Still whispering, still staring at his tea, but at least he wasn't shaking so bad anymore, "Gai caught me and they dragged me over to Asuma's… Talked, I guess… Then came here…" 

Iruka frowned lightly.  
 _Why are they dumping this on_ _ **me**_ _? I have enough on my plate as it is… Then again, they don't know that. And it's painfully obvious that neither of them has the even the_ _ **faintest**_ _clue what to do with the guy… Do_ _ **I**_ _? Maybe…  
_ "Izumo, first of all, I don't think you're sick, or wrong or whatever. I just… Needed to tell you that, I guess. Secondly, I don't know what to do at this point either, not really, but I think you should find a way to talk to Kotetsu ag –" 

" _No!_ " Izumo swallowed, whispering once more, "I promised him I'd never bother him again…" 

"This is _not_ bothering him, Izumo," Iruka's tone was strict, the tone he used with obstinate students. He figured it'd work here as well, "It's called making up after an argument. You were both upset, and you're probably _both_ thinking you should've phrased things differently. If you want, I'll come with you, but I'm not going to let you two end on such a note if there's anything I can do about it. Alright?" 

Izumo stared up at him. On his face, fear turned into exasperation, then slowly into relief, "Thank you…" 

XOXOX

"What was that?" 

"Hmmm? The door, Shikamaru. Forget it." 

"But…" 

"It doesn't matter, Cuteness," The copy ninja wrapped his arms around his young lover, closing his eyes to drift back to sleep. 

"Kakashi, are you in there?" 

_Shikaku?!_ "Oh, _fuck_ …" 

Shikamaru looked at him, eyes wide in shock he whispered, "He can't see this!" 

"You think I don't _know_ that? Stay quiet, maybe he'll go away again…" 

"I can _hear_ you guys in there!" 

"Babe… My dad's ears are _really_ sharp…" 

Kakashi sighed, " _Gee_ , I didn't notice…" A wry smile graced thin lips. The silver-haired man quickly got up, throwing on his pants and undershirt, running a hand through his messy locks as he closed the bedroom door behind him. 

"Shikaku," He sighed as he opened the door, "What's up?" 

"You, apparently," The Nara smirked, "Were you actually _sleeping_ just now?" 

Kakashi shrugged, "Tsunade dosed me again, I've been feeling dizzy."  
 _ **Technically**_ _true…  
_

"Right… Where's Shikamaru?" 

Another shrug, "Think he fell back asleep… Kid seems tired," Inwardly, he winced. After their first night together, Kakashi had resolved to _never_ refer to Shikamaru as a kid again. He couldn't, not knowing what the young Nara looked like panting under him. Begging him to fuck him, shuddering as he screamed out his release. He simply couldn't refer to the man he loved as a kid. Even if he technically _was_ , Kakashi just couldn't. 

"He's always over here these days. Don't you ever sleep?" Shikaku frowned a little, worrying the inside of his lip. 

Kakashi leaned against the doorframe, effectively pulling the door a little further closed as he was still holding on to it, "We talk a lot. He sleeps too. I just… It's been stressful for him." 

Shikaku tried to keep his tone soft, even though he was pretty sure there was something this man wasn't telling him, "For you too." 

Kakashi sighed again, "Shikaku, why are you here?" 

The Nara's back straightened a little, "I was hoping we could talk, Kakashi. May I please come in?" 

_And see the bedroom? See the state I've left your son in? The sex toys scattered about the floor? The magazines? The lube and the rumpled bedding? Are you fucking_ _ **kidding**_ _me right now?!_  
"No." 

"Why not? I just want to talk to you for a little while, we haven't really talked yet and I must admit I've been a little worried. Did you see Iruka? I think Shikamaru said something like that, how'd it go?" 

"Fine." 

He frowned, "Kakashi, why won't you talk to me?" 

"Because." 

Shikaku sighed, slumping down a little, "We're getting nowhere, are we?" 

"No." 

"Please let me in." 

"No." 

Another sigh, "Then at least explain _why_ , Kakashi…" 

"I don't want to." 

"That's not really a reason, though…" 

"It is." 

"No, it's not. Why won't you _talk_ to me?" 

"Because." 

"There you go _again!"_ Shikaku was getting really frustrated now, clenching his fists to try and remain as calm as possible. 

"Yes." 

"Kakashi-" 

"Please leave." 

The door closed. 

XOXOX

When he walked back in, Shikamaru was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up under the sheets, a lit cigarette dangling from his lips, "So you're still calling me a kid, I see…" 

Kakashi sighed. Sitting down on the bed, he took his lover's cigarette to take a drag, "No. Not really. I was trying to distract your father. Isn't that what you _wanted_ me to do?" 

He shrugged, "I don't like it when I hear you calling me a kid," He stole the smoke back, inhaling. 

"I know. I don't like it either. But if I suddenly start calling you a man in front of your father he's going to realize something's up," He took the cigarette again, "And he'd figure it out in no time." 

"Probably…" 

They shared the remainder of the cigarette in silence, each caught up in their own thoughts. As Shikamaru crushed the bud, he spoke, not looking up, "You were right, I think…" 

"About what?" 

"Me." 

Kakashi frowned in confusion, "What about you?" 

"That I… _Man_ , I seriously gotta learn to say this stuff out loud…" 

The older man smiled, "That you prefer to top, you mean?" 

He watched in awe as another cute blush crept up, "Yeah…" 

Leaning over, he gave his younger lover a quick kiss, "You're cute." 

Shikamaru chuckled, wrapping his arms around pale shoulders, "And you're absolutely fucking gorgeous." 

"Thank you," He smiled lightly, "Question: Are you as hungry as I am right now?" 

"Hungry for you, yes." 

Kakashi chuckled, "And how about food?" 

"Kinda, but I don't wanna let you go yet…" 

This drew out another soft laugh, "It's just the _kitchen,_ Cuteness. And it's not like you can't come with me… Get some of those cooking lessons you've been nagging me about?" 

"But I need to touch you right now…" He didn't look up at Kakashi, instead leaning over so he could bury his face in the crook of his lover's neck. 

"Is something wrong, Shikamaru?" There was concern in the older man's voice. 

"No, I just…" He sighed, looking up, "You know how last time I snuggled up to you after?" 

Kakashi nodded. 

"And how I told you this morning that I couldn't sleep until I could hear your heartbeat?" 

Another nod. 

"Well… Right now I just need you close, okay? Just a little longer?" 

Kakashi smiled, pulling the younger man on his lap. Shikamaru unconsciously pulled the sheets along, so his lower half was still covered, it made his lover's smile widen just a little, "Are you telling me you're a snuggler?" 

"I guess…" 

"So… After we have sex, you need to hug?" 

"Is that bad for you?" Shikamaru's voice sounded very small and he pressed his face against his lover's chest. 

The copy ninja chuckled, "Not at all, I like it. I was just making sure I understood." 

"Okay… Kakashi?" 

The older man hummed. 

"I love you." 

The strong arms around him tightened their embrace, "I love you too." 

"Good." 

Kakashi chuckled again, "You're starting to sound sleepy again, Cuteness…" 

"Not sleepy, safe." 

He smiled, "Yes, you're safe." 

"Good… Say, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"Are you still dizzy from that stuff?" 

"No, not since we had breakfast." 

"Oh. Then why did you tell dad you were dizzy?" 

"I didn't, not exactly. I told him Tsunade's concoction _made_ me dizzy." 

Shikamaru stayed quiet for a while, snuggling up to his silver-haired lover. It had been almost ten minutes before he spoke again, "Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"You really hate this, don't you?" 

"What? No, Cuteness, I _love_ this," He chuckled, "You cuddling was a bit unexpected, but –" 

"Not that. I mean…" He sighed, untangling himself. Getting up, Shikamaru went to find his clothes. After he'd put his boxers back on, while he was pulling up his pants, he finally continued, "I meant keeping this from everyone." 

Kakashi frowned a little, "Yes, I told you so before." 

Frowning, he looked his older lover in the eye, "Then why did You agree to it?" 

The silver-haired man sighed, he look on his face almost a little sad, "Because I love you." 


	71. Open Up A Little

AUTHORS NOTE: Ace! Izumo/Kotetsu with a large side of Iruka do anything for you? Also, we're getting to see a little more of Shino and Sakura, and worry about Tsunade's worries! Yay, here's a new chapter for you all to enjoy!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 71: Open Up A Little

XOXOX 

"So… Did you talk to Kakashi yet?" Tsunade leaned over the table, the files for their early morning meeting all but forgotten the moment the Nara walked through the door. 

"In a way… Did you dose him again, Tsunade?" 

"I gave him a suppressor, he chose to drink it himself. But later I had to leave, so… I kind of slipped something in his tea…" 

Shikaku frowned a little, "He said it made him dizzy." 

The blonde frowned too, confusion written all over her face, "What time did you get there?" 

"Around… Eight, I think?" 

"At night? Of course," She answered her own question, "We didn't leave her until eight-thirty. But…" She bit her nail for a few seconds, thinking, "The dizziness _should_ have stopped the moment he ate something…" 

"I kind of doubt the man hadn't eaten all day. Although, apparently, I woke them up." 

"What? That's weird. It was only a tranquilizer, it was supposed to wear off in about thirty minutes. Even if he skipped dinner, it would've been an hour, two at _most_ …" 

"I don't know, Tsunade. That's _your_ department." 

She worried the inside of her lip, "Did he seem dazed?" 

"Annoyed's more like it," Shikaku sighed, dropping himself on the chair, "Guy wouldn't even let me in…" 

"Did he do the teenager-thing again?" 

"The _what_?!" Shikaku stared at her, stunned. 

So she explained, "Those short little answers, one word mostly. Doesn't even seem to make sense, and it's impossible to get through to him." 

"Yes, that pretty much sums up our entire conversation…" 

" _Damnit!_ " She slammed her fist on the table, causing the Nara to quickly steady both their cups as he decided that was more important than the stacks of files that were now pretty much all over the place, "Something's _wrong,_ Shikaku! But the damned _brat_ won't _talk_ about it! And now, if what you say it true, he's resorted to spending the whole day in _bed!_ That's the _worst_ possible development for someone recovering from a mental breakdown!" She looked at him, unshed tears in her eyes, "I'm _worried_ , Shikaku…" 

He leaned back, picking up the coffee that Tsunade always brought for him. As he took his first sip, he thought about their options, "We could always try to bring in Umino…" 

"No, I already suggested that to him last night." 

"Then maybe… Gai?" 

"Does he even _know?_ " 

He smiled wryly, "Good point, I wouldn't tell the guy either…" 

"Shikaku… If we can't figure something out… I'm going to have no choice but to admit him to the psych ward…" 

XOXOX 

"Good morning, Sakura." 

The pinkette blinked as she found her boyfriend standing in the living room early in the morning, "Shino!" She tried to hide a yawn behind her hand, "What are you doing here so early?" 

"I realize you are very busy, but I was hoping you might have breakfast with me on your way to the library today," He smiled softly. 

Sakura's eyes automatically drifted over to her father, sitting in his favorite chair. Sipping his morning coffee while reading the newspaper. The large sheet of paper dropped a few inches, and the man nodded at her. So the girl smiled happily, "Just let me get dressed, Shino. I'll be right back, okay?" 

Shino nodded back at her, and continued to wait awkwardly. The man didn't pay any attention to him, and Sakura's mother was busying herself in the kitchen. The Aburame felt out of place here, although Sakura's father had let him in himself, and approved the invitation before Sakura had come down. So Shino stood, feeling a little uncomfortable, as he waited for Sakura to come back down.

XOXOX

"I'm scared, Iruka…" 

"It's going to be fine. I'm here with you, remember?" 

"But he thinks I'm _sick_!" 

Iruka sighed, "Just knock on the door, Izumo. I'm sure it'll be fine." 

"Alright… You're staying, right?" 

"I'm staying." 

"Promise?" 

"I swear." 

"Okay… Here goes…"

XOXOX

"So, where are we going, Shino?" 

"I thought it best not to go too far of course, since I realize you are very busy. How about the same restaurant where we usually go for lunch?" The hands on his arm tightened for a brief moment, and Sakura nodded cheerily, before pulling him along.

XOXOX

Kotetsu hadn't slept all night. He'd knocked on Izumo's door every thirty minutes or so, not wanting to use his key for fear of his friend calling him an intruder. The time in between his knocks had been filled with staring at Izumo's doodles, thinking and crying. A lot of crying. He was sure he'd just lost his best friend. Over something as _stupid_ as his own intolerance, no less. 

_-Knock… Knock-knock… Knock-_

 _Wait, that's…  
_ He almost ran for the door, yanking it open, "Iz! I'm _so_ sorry! I really am, I was worried, where were you? And – What's _he_ doing here…?" Crossing his arms, he glared at Iruka Umino. 

"Iruka's here because I asked him to, Kotetsu. Because… Because I was scared, I still am. Because you… _Hurt_ me." 

Kotetsu swallowed, "I am _so_ sorry, Izumo… Please, just… Come in, okay?" Stepping aside, he let both men pass, fresh tears stinging in his eyes. 

As he crossed the threshold, Iruka sighed inwardly.  
 _I did_ _ **not**_ _sign up for this… I_ _ **never**_ _signed up for soothing a crying Izumo to sleep, I_ _ **never**_ _signed up for having to hide my gay-guy-porn before said crying Izumo crashed on my bed, and I_ _ **certainly**_ _never signed up to play referee on one of the most awkward kinds of conversations known to man…  
Oh, why does everyone have to keep dragging __**me**_ _into all of their problems?  
_

"Kotetsu?" Izumo's surprised voice pulled the sensei out of his thoughts, "Is this… Did I draw this yesterday?" 

"Yeah… I-I've been staring at that all night… You… You thought that I never wanted to see you again, didn't you?" 

"Yes…" He sat down on the couch, Iruka beside him. Kotetsu had no choice but to take the chair. Again, the dark-haired chuunin wished the scarred sensei hadn't come along. Although he understood now... "Iz, I'm _so,_ _ **so**_ sorry," He ran a hand through his messy locks, "I said horrible things to you.." 

"Yes, you did…" Izumo's voice was soft, his words laced with hurt. 

"Iz, you're my _best friend –_ " 

"No, I'm not. I'm the guy that's been in love with you since our Academy days." 

" _That_ long?" 

A humorless chuckle shook him, "Does it surprise you?" 

"No… Not really, I suppose… You've always been like that… You stick to your choices, no matter what…" 

"It wasn't a _choice_ , Tetsu…" 

"I know, I just – Look, I've been horrible to you, and I deserve everything you can throw at me, Iz, I do. But… There's one thing I want you to know first, alright?" _  
_

"Alright…" Izumo's tongue flicked out for the umpteenth time. 

Iruka almost sighed, he thoroughly _hated_ being a nice guy right now…  
 _If I wasn't, I would be here, wouldn't be forced to listen in on…_ _ **This**_ _! I don't want to be the one people always turn to… Kakashi, I can handle. Shikamaru's fine, too. Apparently I have to deal with Sakura too, very well. But not_ _ **these**_ _two as_ _ **well**_ _... I have a_ _ **life**_ _, you know?  
_

"I love you, really. I'm just not _in_ love with you. And… I don't think you're sick, either. I just… Got scared, I guess. I never thought – I'm _sorry_ , Iz. I'm _so sorry!_ " 

"That's three things…" The brunette flashed a quick smile, "But I'll let it slide. I've always known you'd never… Feel the same way. That's why I never told you. That, and I knew that you'd be disgusted," He pulled a face. 

Kotetsu leaned toward his friend, his arms resting on his knees, a serious look in his eyes, "I'm _not_ , though. I just… I guess I was just startled, at first. It… What… Then… Eh…" He leaned back a little, scratching the back of his head as he threw Iruka a sideways glance. 

The school teacher calmly crossed his legs, placing his folded hands atop them. He wiggled his dangling foot a little, studying the motion as he spoke softly, "I know, Kotetsu. By now I've heard every word of your conversation with Izumo," _At least three times!_ "And I know what you heard out there at that inn. You can speak freely."  
 _And please make it quick so I can get out of here…_  
Iruka suppressed a wry smile. 

Kotetsu blinked. Blinked again. And a third time.  
"You _told_ him?!" 

"I needed someone I could talk to, Kotetsu. And Iruka's… Safe." 

_Oh boy… Am I really doomed to be everyone's confidante? That just doesn't seem fair… But… I guess he's right about one thing, I'm 'safe'. He doesn't even_ _ **know**_ _how right he is about that one!  
_ The sensei couldn't help a chuckle. Feeling Kotetsu's glare rest upon him once again, he looked up. 

Taking a deep breath, he spoke, even _if_ his tone would not rise above a whisper, even _if_ his voice cracked. He still looked the older man in the eyes as he said the words he'd never before spoken out loud, "I'm bisexual." 

XOXOX

"Shizune," She looked up, a little startled as she'd been lost in her own thoughts. 

"I thought that maybe you could use this," Raidou came in, offering the woman a cup of tea, "You've been going over the paperwork all morning, so I figured you might be thirsty," He smiled a little shyly, setting the cup down on the desk. 

She smiled back at him, "Thank you, Raidou. I hadn't even realized, but I guess I _am_ getting a little thirty," She picked up the cup, blowing a little before taking a small sip. 

"Good, well… I'll be going now. Have a nice day, Shizune." 

"You too, Raidou. Thank you for the tea." 

He nodded before moving away. Shizune took another sip of her tea, feeling just a _little_ better than she had before. 

XOXOX

"So… That went better than you expected, right?" Iruka asked hopefully, unsure why the other man was following him back to his apartment. 

"I guess…" Izumo answered thoughtfully, "Eventually we'll probably be okay again…" 

"Right. Good for you."  
 _Now, please leave me alone…  
_

"Hey, Iruka?" 

"Yes?"  
 _Please just_ _ **go**_ _already…  
_

"Why didn't you… Say anything earlier?" 

"About what?"  
 _I was there, right? Was I supposed to be an active participant as well?!_

"About… You being bi." 

_Oh,_ _ **crap**_ _!  
_ "Izumo, I'd really rather not talk about it…" 

"Why not?" 

_Damn this!  
_ "I… That was actually the first time I said it out loud, okay? And I'm not even sure if I'm ready to say it yet."  
 _Now fuck off already! I'm_ _ **so**_ _done with this! I'm… I just… Wanted to see Kakashi first…_ _ **He's**_ _my friend, not_ _ **you**_ _… You're just a sad package that got dumped on my doorstep because everyone seems to think Iruka will be fine with everything… I have feelings too, you know…  
_

"Oh… But then, why did you?" 

Iruka stopped walking. He sighed, pushing his hands deep inside his pockets. He didn't look up at the older man, instead staring at his feet, "I thought you needed me to. You looked so scared back there and I… I'm not sure, really. I guess I just wanted to comfort you a little… Let you know you're not alone or something…"  
 _And even though every word I just said is true… I'm_ _ **still**_ _not sure if I made the right call back there. Right now it sure_ _ **feels**_ _like I didn't…  
_

Izumo spoke very softly, "Thank you. I know it's hard to say it for the first time…" 

"Sure, whatever," He shrugged.  
 _You know what? I might as well. Maybe this'll be better for me than going to see Kakashi anyway. He's not exactly been at his best lately…_  
"Anyway, I've only sort of just figured everything out myself, so I'm probably not the best person to ask for advice or anything…" 

"Do you need some?" There was a slight smile on the older man's face, an embarrassed one. 

Iruka shot him a confused look, "What do you mean?" 

"Well… It's not like, you know, I have any actual experience or anything," Izumo pulled a face, "But…" 

"None?" Iruka managed to lift his gaze, almost looking at the other man's face, "But _you've_ known like… _Forever_ …" 

Izumo offered him a wry smile, "There was only ever one that I was really interested in. And I couldn't really bring myself to… I don't know, substitute him?" 

"So you've never…?" 

Bright-red, the older man shook his head, "Look, could we maybe… Talk about this inside? We're almost at your apartment, right?" 

"Yeah… Uh, sure…" Iruka swallowed.  
 _Do I even_ _ **want**_ _to talk about this?  
_

XOXOX

Shino walked slowly through the Konoha's streets. He'd shared a comfortable breakfast with Sakura before dropping her off at the library to get some work done. They'd agreed to meet up again for lunch like they did almost every day. But today felt a little different for the young man. It was the first time they'd shared breakfast – not counting missions – and somehow Shino felt just a little giddy. He figured he might as well show up at lunchtime with a little present. Although he had _no_ idea what kind.  
 _It should be something small, not too flashy. Maybe something useful, but it has to be pretty and nice as well… This is difficult…_

XOXOX

Sitting at Iruka's table again, a cup of hot tea in front of them, Izumo spoke softly, "So… No, I've never had a relationship or anything. I've never actually dated, either…" 

Iruka swallowed hard, not daring to look up at the guy sitting across from him, "Did you… I mean… Uh… Okay," He took a deep breath, looking the other in the eyes, "I've never been with a guy before." 

An embarrassed smile drifted his way, "Me neither. No girls either." 

"Me neither…" 

They looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments. Out of nowhere, Iruka chuckled. Izumo soon joined in and within seconds they were both laughing so hard they were wiping tears away. 

"This is _so_ embarrassing!" Iruka managed to squeeze out. 

"I know, right?!"


	72. If You Can't Stand, Then Take My Hand

AUTHORS NOTE: Wow! So much happening in one chapter! I know, I know all your poor little heads might not be able to keep track of it all, but I'm telling ya, every single fucking detail in this chapter matters – accept maybe the laundry. But as far as I'm concerned, laundry _never_ matters… :P

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 72: If You Can't Stand, Then Take My Hand

XOXOX 

Waking up, Kakashi found the spot beside him to be empty.  
 _Was he really here yesterday? Was he ever? Has this whole thing been a dream ever since that day when he said he loves me? Or even from before?  
_

He looked around at the rumpled bedding – _Nothing new there.  
_ The pack of smokes laying on the edge of the bed – _So at least the breakdown thing was real… That's kind of a downer…  
_ The sex toys scattered on the floor – _So was he_ _ **really**_ _…?_

Suddenly, the sound he hadn't realized he'd been hearing stopped.  
 _Shikamaru was in the shower, he's still here. Shikamaru's still here! He's still –  
_

"I see you're finally up…" Leaning against the doorframe, towel wrapped around his waist. A lit cigarette dangling between his lips as small droplets of water escaped his damp hair, trailing glistening tracks down his tanned chest. 

Kakashi swallowed, right now he wanted nothing more than to jump the young man, the immense wave of relief after his little panic attack giving him wings. But he held back, his tone soft as he tried to sound as normal as he possibly could, "Yes… Eh, Shikamaru… What – eh, what time is it?" 

"A little past noon, honestly I've never seen you sleep in so late…" 

"Ah…" Kakashi tried to recollect his thoughts but things stayed a little hazy, "I… Vaguely remember talking to Shikaku… Was that… Was that a dream?" 

A humorless chuckle escaped the young Nara, "No, he was here." 

"Right… And… After, we, eh… We talked, right?" 

"Yes…" Shikamaru frowned, walking over to place a hand on the older man's forehead, feeling Kakashi's temperature, "You seem… Out of it. Are you feeling okay?" 

The silver-haired man nodded softly, "Yeah, I am. I just… I kind of had a little panic attack when I woke up. I guess my head's still trying to catch up…" 

"Kakashi," Shikamaru sat down facing him, a worried expression on his face, "What happened?" 

I don't really know," He spoke softly, "I guess I'm not used to waking up alone anymore… When you weren't here, I… Something in my head clicked and it started telling me that it'd all been a dream or a hallucination or something… I'm really not sure where that came from, but the moment I realized you were still in the apartment, I felt better. So I suppose that little episode just blocked out everything that happened yesterday. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to worry about stuff like that…" 

"It's fine. I love you, and if you need me to worry about you a little, and stick around for you, I will." 

Kakashi swallowed, "Thank you…" 

Shikamaru smiled at him, placing a soft kiss on his lover's forehead, "Like I said Kakashi, it's fine. Now, why don't you go take a shower and I'll clean up here," He looked around the messy room, frowning, "That woman is bound to show up again today…" 

"You really don't like Tsunade very much, do you?" Kakashi studied his knees as his hand crept over the sheets to reach for the cigarettes. 

"That's not it," Shikamaru grabbed the ashtray and the matches, looking a little sheepishly at the ashes that had already fallen from his own cigarette and unto the sheets, "I just don't like how she always shows up like she owns you or something… Like, you don't get a say in whether or not it's a good time. And she pretty much always looks at me like she can't decide whether to throw me out or give me the third degree…" 

Kakashi chuckled, taking a drag from his cigarette before he spoke, "If she _didn't_ show up here, I think I'd probably forget. And I still need her help, Shikamaru. I'm not sure why she seems to feel the need to make you uncomfortable too, though." 

Suddenly, the young Nara got up, "Right, you – go shower. I'll clean up here. But first, I'm gonna need another change of clothes…" 

Kakashi waved towards the built-in closet, "Just grab something yourself, and throw me some, too. I'm going to have to go to the Laundromat today, though. The sheets, the clothes… I don't have too many, so… Anyway, there's a laundry bag in there too, just stuff it in, alright? I think I'm going to take that shower now." 

XOXOX

"Why do people call you lazy, again?" Kakashi looked around the room. The floor was empty, the bed sheets replaced and the bed made, while his boyfriend was on his knees, cleaning the floor, "I wasn't in the shower for _that_ long…" 

Shikamaru chuckled, brushing away another drop of lube, "No, but I figured I'd better hurry up a little. The drawer isn't as neatly packed though, I couldn't really remember…" 

"That's fine, I should probably move most of that stuff over to the storage chest anyway… But _why_ are you scrubbing the floor?!" 

The Nara shot him a self-conscious smile, "I kind of stepped on a lube bottle this morning, I wiped it off, but when I came back in, I saw it was still a mess, so…" He shrugged, "Besides, can't hurt, right?" 

"No… I just never figured you for the domestic type… Then again, I never figured you'd turn out to be a snuggler either," Kakashi shrugged a little, "But since the floor's wet, could you toss me my clothes?" 

Shikamaru finished up his work just as the copy ninja closed the last button on his shirt. They smiled at each other, leaning over for a kiss when they were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

The Nara sighed, "That'll be her…" 

"No, Shikamaru," The silver-haired man sounded thoughtful, "She knocks differently," He pulled the mask up, heading over to the door.  
Shikamaru paid this no further mind, walking into the kitchen with the bucket of – now slightly murky – water. But, his back turned to Kakashi and his mystery visitor, the Nara froze. 

"Asuma?" 

"Yeah, eh, I went over to Shikamaru's first," The bearded man rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably, "But his mom told me he was here. Which is actually perfect, 'cause I wanted to talk to both of you, so…" 

Kakashi was perplexed, even more so when his boyfriend invited the man in. Stepping aside, his mind briefly wondered if that was because Shikamaru still preferred Asuma over him, but he quickly pushed such thoughts aside. He would need to focus. Asuma _may_ know about Shikamaru now, but the copy ninja would rather die than have his old friend know his was the same secret. Not after all these years or denying that exact fact, not after all the insults he'd suffered.  
So he followed the two into his bedroom, the floor had dried by now, and Shikamaru sat himself down against the desk once more. Asuma'd chosen the chair, for which Kakashi was silently grateful – he'd rather not have this man sitting next to him right now, but taking the chair while Asuma sat on the bed would clearly show his apprehension.  
Lighting a cigarette, he sat down on the bed, pulling his legs up as he leaned against the wall. 

"I see you're smoking again." 

"I see you're _still_ smoking. Did you come here just to exchange useless observations, Asuma?" 

The bearded man sighed, running a hand through his hair, "No Kakashi, Shikamaru, I came here to… Apologize. I've been a total ass to both of you, and…" He swallowed, unable to continue. 

Shikamaru stayed quiet, staring at his old sensei, but Kakashi was quickly getting annoyed with the man, "You've been a total ass to _Shikamaru_ , Asuma. And if I had any say in it, you'd be laying in a hospital bed right not. If not six feet under." 

"I… Get that. And I'd certainly deserve it. More so because Gai's helped me realize that I haven't only been an ass to Shikamaru – for which I already deserve everything you can throw at me – but to _you_ as well. I'm sorry, Kakashi. I'm so sorry for all the times I've called you names, or pushed you in a corner. You're right, I _should_ be laying in a hospital bed right now…" 

Kakashi sat frozen. His mind going round and round.  
 _He knows…? Gai told him? Gai_ _ **told**_ _him! He_ _ **knows**_ _! Oh god, Gai told_ _ **him**_ _?!_

"Asuma," Shikamaru spoke softly, "What _exactly_ did Gai-sensei help you realize?" 

The man sighed, "Right, I should start from the beginning, but Kakashi, _please_ stop freaking out – I… _Please_ …" 

And so he relayed the tale of what'd happened with Izumo, seeing some of the color slowly return to his old friend's cheeks as he spoke, "But the guy wouldn't stop crying, so eventually Iruka basically told us to get lost, saying he'd handle it…" 

"So… Izumo?" Kakashi spoke hesitantly, "But… Why did _you_ go after him? I mean, " He chuckled humorlessly, "Aren't you completely _un_ suited for that sort of thing?" 

"That's… I suppose that's true. Or rather, it _was_. I've… When I saw that guy, sitting at my kitchen table, almost crying over… I mean, it's love, right? It's not… I honestly still can't really wrap my head around it, but… That's not because… Look, I just don't really understand what two guys can see in each other, and… I'm not sure I really want to think about what they're actually _doing_ together… But that's… It's your personal life, right? So I have no right to judge that – No right at all. But I have. And I can't even _begin_ to tell you two how sorry I am." 

"Asuma…" Shikamaru got up, gingerly stretching out his hand towards his old sensei, his old crush. But he dropped it before he even got half-way, instead setting himself down on the bed, next to his boyfriend, "You're right, you've been a selfish bastard. But I asked too much of you all at once. And _we_ already had this conversation. Kakashi?" 

He turned his head to look at the silver-haired man. Kakashi was visibly shaking, smoking one cigarette after another the entire time Asuma'd been talking.  
But now he crushed his bud with a definitive air, rising to his feet to stand before the man that had been unknowingly hurting him for almost his entire life, "I'd _like_ to ask you to leave. To _never_ show your face to me again," He wiped a hand over his eyes, "But I won't. You're still my comrade, and _some_ days I even manage to consider you a friend. But _every_ time I do, you go and say something so hurtful that I wish I could crawl into a little hole and never come back out. That has to _stop_ , Asuma. I _never_ said a word about it, I _never_ tried to hurt you back. But now, it _has_ to stop. You know now, and for better or for worse I'll have to learn to live with that. I never intended to tell you, no matter what. Because I _know_ what goes on in that head of yours. I know that if I were to reach out my hand now, you'd back away. I also know that you can't help it – but that doesn't really make it any less painful. So next time you open up that homophobic-asshole of yours, I'm going to strike back. Because I honestly don't even _know_ how I dealt with that for all these years." 

Asuma swallowed, tears stinging in his eyes, "I can only tell you I'm sorry, Kakashi. I never set out to hurt you in any way," Reaching out, he quickly grabbed the other man's hand, "And I'm _not_ going to back away from you, and if I ever _do_ , you're free to smack me for it. And if I do or say anything else to hurt you… I'll take whatever you throw at me, Kakashi. I honest to god _never_ realized I was hurting you. If I had, I would've done something about it. Because I _do_ consider you a friend, _every_ day. And I know that right now, I'm not worthy of that same title, and that I'll have to prove to you that I _can_ be, and I _will."  
_

Kakashi slowly pulled back his hand, shoving them both into his pockets. Taking a small step back, he took a deep breath, "Go ahead," He dared the other man, "Prove it. But don't expect to win me over so easily," He sighed softly, "And now I'm still going to ask you to leave. I'm not up for seeing your face any longer today." 

He left, heading into the kitchen. Asuma swallowed, shooting a questioning look at the young Nara who was still sitting on the bed. 

"Don't look at _me_. Like I said, _we_ had this conversation already. And this is _his_ place. I don't know what history you two have together, and by now I'm pretty sure I don't even _want_ to know, but it's clear that he's gonna need time, at least. So just… Go, okay?" He sighed, getting up to follow the silver-haired man. When he reached the bedroom door, he turned back for a moment, almost whispering, "I, for my part, forgave you last time. And, I'm over you. But if you ever hurt Kakashi again, I will kill you." 

XOXOX

Over in the kitchen, Kakashi was pacing, silently, furiously so. He'd found another pack, and was smoking at the same pace he was walking. When the door opened, he tried to get away, assuming Asuma had followed him in here. But strong, gentle and loving arms wrapped around him in an embrace, so well-known, that he finally lost the fight against the tears. Quietly sobbing in Shikamaru's arms. 

They heard the other man leave, and Kakashi pulled free , "I'm sorry… I know you – …" 

"No. Not a thing. Well… I'm angry at him for hurting you. But not – I was over him before I ever talked to him again. I'm not – …" 

"Settling, you mean?" Kakashi wiped away the tears, sinking into one of the kitchen chairs. 

"Right. I don't – did you _really_ think that?" 

"No, not until you invited him in. Then my mind started playing dirty tricks again. I'm really not sure what's wrong with me today. I feel… Shaky," He shrugged, "I don't know how else to explain it…" 

Shikamaru pulled the other chair closer to his boyfriend, sitting down, "I think I understand what you mean… Is…" He swallowed, "Is this about yesterday?" 

Kakashi sighed, reaching for another smoke, "I… Suppose so," He shakily tried to strike a match, but it wouldn't catch fire, so Shikamaru took the box form him, picking up a cigarette for himself and lighting both. 

"About not telling anyone?" He tried to keep his voice even, tried for that mask of boredom. 

"That too. I… Shikamaru, I know I said I hadn't really thought about what I like for a long time, and I didn't lie about that, honestly. But… Somewhere in the back of my head it kept playing, you know?" He didn't look up, staring at his boyfriend's knee, "Wanting to feel someone else inside me, the… _Need_ to be dominated… And… You gave me _exactly_ what I wanted, what I _needed_. It made me… Feel a little strange… Not bad strange, but… Anyway, kind of like I was floating, and my head got fuzzy and then… Shikaku showed up, and it took me all I had just to focus on that. And then we talked, and I could tell you weren't happy, and that made me feel so insecure, but you wanted to cuddle, so… It couldn't have been that you hated me, but then you got frustrated again… I just… Feel strange today…" 

"I'm sorry, I never realized how much pressure I put on you…" 

"Honestly Shikamaru, it's fine. Or rather, it _would_ be fine. If _I_ was. But… I'm still recovering. Mostly I feel fine, but… I guess it's the little things that get to me. I've always been used to dealing with everything by myself, but… When I… Broke down," He winced, admitting to the fact felt shameful, "I had to rely on others because I couldn't rely on myself anymore. And so I had to rapidly learn to trust other people, and _talk_ about things that were bothering me. I know I've always been able to talk to Iruka about everything, even if I didn't. But now I can't even… It's _not_ that you're not enough, because you _are_. It's just that… I'm scared that if you see how insecure I really am about all of this, you'll get cold feet. And – _please_ don't take this the wrong way – but you _are_ still so young, and… I don't want to weigh you down with things you shouldn't have to worry about just yet…" 

Shikamaru blinked, "You really worry about all that stuff?" 

"All the time, Cuteness. It's like that magazine you picked up. I knew you weren't ready for that, I knew it could potentially… Hurt you. Shock you, at least. And even the fact that I _possess_ such a thing is… _Sketchy_. But at the same time, I don't want to baby you, and I don't want you to feel like I'm treating you like a kid, because I don't _see_ you that way. Just younger." 

"Iruka-sensei's younger too…" The Nara said softly. 

"Yes, but… And again, _please_ don't take this the wrong way, but… For example, Iruka's old enough to order a drink. And I'm not saying I need a drinking buddy or whatever, but… He _has_ seen… More, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And I feel like every day you're with me, I'm corrupting you just so _I'll_ feel better. 

Shikamaru frowned, his answer short, coming out almost brusque, "You're not." 

He sighed, finally looking up, Kakashi counted down on his fingers, "You smoke. You drink. You fuck – _amazingly_ so," He winked, "You stay cooped up in my tiny apartment all day. You lie to your family and your friends – do you get my point? I _love_ that you're here with me, I really do. But I also feel like I'm denying you the right to act your own age every once in a while, pull a prank with your buddies or whatever. I know you're not really like that, but…" He ran a hand through silver locks, "I just… When was the last time you even _saw_ Choji? You spend more time with _my_ friends than you do with your own…" 

The younger man thought on it for a little while, "Maybe. Although I think I really like Iruka-sensei – now that he's not constantly trying to get me to pay attention in class… But yeah, last time I saw Choji… I dunno, when I told him I'm gay, I guess. I _do_ kinda miss him now that I think about it… I just… I don't really feel the need to talk to anyone else about us, but then, I don't worry so much. I know you can't help it, but… It worries me a little to hear how much you keep worrying about everything…" He bit his lip, fiddling with the matchbook in his hands, "I guess… How do you think Iruka-sensei would react?" 

"I'm not entirely sure… I _am_ fucking one of his old students… Though I think he'd only need a little time to vent at most. I know he wouldn't really disapprove, just…" Kakashi chuckled lightly, "He's a schoolteacher after all. Worrying about morals and proper etiquette is part of his job. Part of _him_ too. But why do you even ask, Shikamaru? I already gave you my word that I'd keep quiet… Are you worried I'm going to slip up?" 

" _No_ … I was… Thinking… If you need a friend to know… I guess Iruka-sensei's cool. But he _has_ to promise too!" Shikamaru suddenly urged, "I'd _die_ if my parents find out like that!" 

"Iruka isn't cruel, Cuteness… Would you…" Kakashi nervously bit his lip, "Would you really be okay with him knowing?" 

Shikamaru shrugged, "If it helps you… I don't like it when you freak out, so… Besides, I'm pretty sure the guy already suspects us… So, yeah… But tell me if you told him, okay? I don't wanna get the third degree from that guy, and I don't like not knowing whether or not he knows…" 

"I promise. Thank you, Shikamaru…" 

The Nara just shrugged again, "Whatever, seeing you like this is too much of a drag for me…" 

Kakashi almost smiled at hearing his boyfriend's defense mechanism kick in, but winced as, for the second time today, a knock on the door sounded, muttering, "Speak of the devil…" 

"Kakashi? Is it alright with you if I go take care of the laundry? I just need a little time alone right now and Iruka-sensei's… Always plenty present for me, you know?" 

"Sure," He got up, "Take all the time you need, I understand… I'll just…" 

"You can go ahead and tell him if you like, it's fine." 

They walked to the door together, the younger man hauling the laundry bag along. Kakashi opened the door, "Hey Iruka. Shikamaru… You're really sure?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure. I've… Thought about it before too. Stop worrying so much, Kakashi. I'll be back in a bit." 

As the young Nara left, Kakashi closed the door behind him, feeling a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. 

"Kakashi? What was that all about?" 

"I'll tell you later, you look like _hell_ …" 

XOXOX

Kakashi frowned, "Iruka! I'm _not_ taking you to one of those bars!" 

"Why not?!" Iruka was getting frustrated with his silver-haired friend, "Shikamaru I can understand, he's underage –" 

Hands suddenly clenched to fists as the jounin growled, "He's _mine_!" 

Despite his frustration, Iruka chuckled, slouching back in the chair.  
 _Well, that answers_ _ **that**_ _question…  
_ "Okay, fine," Another light chuckle escaped him, "So you're not going because you're in a relationship?"  
 _ **Now**_ _I understand… So they got together after all… Kakashi and Shikamaru… That's quite the age gap, but… So long as it's_ _ **those**_ _two, I can't see really see the problem – the age gap is virtually non-existent when you consider their personalities and personal development. Kakashi looks nervous though… Is this the first time he's told anyone? How long have they been together?  
_

Kakashi sighed, wiping a hand over his weary face, he picked another cigarette, "No, I'm not taking _you_ there," The match flamed up, and for a few seconds, Kakashi remained silent, taking a deep drag before blowing smoke circles up at the ceiling, "And… I-he-I mean…" He sighed, taking a deep breath, "We're not telling anyone yet. Just you, okay?" 

The older man looked at him intently, and Iruka instantly realized how hard this was on his friend, "Okay, just me. So… Is this what that little conversation earlier was about?" 

"Yeah… I kind of… Needed someone else to know too. I mean… I realize you probably think it's wrong –" 

"I don't, Kakashi," He was quick to reassure his friend, "I _don't_ think it's wrong. I mean… Yeah, there's this big age gap going on, but with _you_ two, it doesn't really feel like there is." 

"But there _is_ , Iruka," The silver-haired man spoke softly, "There _is_. I'm constantly aware of it, and I'm never sure if something is crossing the line, pushing it, or perfectly fine. Well," He suddenly snorted, "Fucking him is crossing the line, I know _that_ much…" 

Iruka had to swallow against the emotions that threatened to appear on his face.  
 _Why Shikamaru but not me?  
_ "Okay… So… What? He's got a problem with that?" 

Kakashi barked a laugh, "No, Iruka, he doesn't. It's more like the opposite. Shikamaru…" His voice turned soft again, "He doesn't see the problem with _any_ of this, but… I always feel responsible, Iruka. And I don't really do responsible so well…" 

"Okay, I get it. But… If you were so sure that I was going to think your relationship is wrong…?" 

A weak smile appeared on Kakashi's face, "You're my best friend, Iruka. Who else would I trust? And… Shikamaru said that you were cool, so long as you weren't trying to teach him jutsu anymore, so we kind if agreed on the fact that… We both trust you." 

Kakashi's soft voice and warm words made Iruka glow inside, and a smile crept over his face. But before he could open his mouth to reply, Kakashi continued and Iruka's earlier annoyance returned full force. 

"But I'm _still_ not taking you to one of those bars!" 

"Kakashi, why the hell _not_?! All I want is a chance to figure this out, no-one's ever died just from having sex before!" He blushed fiercely. No matter how it sounded in his head, saying it out loud was just _embarrassing._

"Iruka," Kakashi seemed to ignore his outburst, looking at him intently, his tone soft and warm, "I'm not taking you there because even _I_ can't guarantee your safety. You're too cute, my friend. And there's no way to protect you when you go home with someone – they aren't generally very caring people, Iruka. He could _hurt_ you." 

The brunette frowned in confusion, playing the older man's words back one more time, "Kakashi… Did you just call me _cute_ …?" 

"So what if I did? I meant nothing by it," The older man shrugged. 

"Don't you think Shikamaru might have a problem with that?" If he wasn't blushing before, he _sure_ was blushing _now_. 

"What am I supposed to have a problem with?" The young Nara suddenly appeared in the doorway, confusion clear on his face. 

"Me calling Iruka cute." 

The young man studied his old sensei for a moment, taking in every detail of the brunette's features, "Neh, Kakashi's right." 

Okay, now he was _really_ blushing. 

The young man flopped down on the bed, studying his boyfriend for a second before he drawled out, "So…?" 

"I told him." 

"Okay, and no-one is freaking yet, so…" He shrugged, "What was this about?" 

Kakashi stayed silent, leaving it up to Iruka whether or not to tell the young man. An embarrassed smile tucked at the corners of the brunette's mouth, "I sort of… Asked Kakashi to take me to one of those bars he'd been talking about…" 

Shikamaru raised one eyebrow, but apparently decided against asking, instead settling his gaze on the man beside him, "What's the problem?" 

Kakashi shrugged, "He's too cute." 

"And you're fucking gorgeous, what's the big deal?" 

Iruka blinked at the Nara's words.  
 _Amazing how easily that fell off his lips…  
_

Kakashi chose another cigarette, "I'm not sure if I can protect him. It's… Not a safe place to be." 

"You went," Iruka cut in, frustrated, "And you were a lot younger!" 

"I was already a jounin, had the sharingan and the added benefit of ANBU training. I was also _stupid,_ " Kakashi pointed out. 

But the sensei was getting angry now, and didn't hear the regret in his friend's voice, "Are you saying I can't protect myself?!" 

"He's saying you shouldn't _have_ to, that's different." 

Iruka frowned.  
 _Just because_ _ **you**_ _got lucky doesn't mean I shouldn't get the chance to figure this out. To see if I actually could…_ _ **Do**_ _it…  
_

"Iruka," Kakashi called softly, "What are you thinking?" 

"It's… Nothing. I was being stupid…" 

"Look, I get where you're coming from. I really do, but… It's not _safe_ , Iruka. I was an idiot for ever going in there, and I won't allow my best friend to put himself in jeopardy like that." 

"I know," The brunette sighed, "It's just… _Frustrating_ …" 

Kakashi leaned forward, looking his friend in the eyes as he spoke quietly, "Iruka, if you're really desperate enough to want to figure things out like _that_ … I'd rather tie you to that chair and never let you go again, do you understand that?" 

"I guess…" 

"Wait," Shikamaru cut in, looking quizzical, "Figure things out? I know it's none of my business, but…" 

"You're right, it's not." 

"Kakashi…" Iruka sighed, "It's fine… Yes, Shikamaru, I'm still figuring it out. I know I like girls, but…" He worried the inside of his lip for a moment, "Lately I've been thinking…" 

"Because of us?" 

"Because of Sakura," He caught their confused looks, "It doesn't really matter. I just… I think… I think I'm probably… _Bi_." 

Shikamaru whistled through his teeth, "Lucky you…" 

"Not really… More like awkward me…" 

"Why?" Kakashi sounded surprised. 

"I… Kakashi, you know I've never had a girlfriend, right?" 

The older man nodded, a little unsure where this was going. 

"I never…" Iruka looked away, sighing, " _Nothing_ , you know?" 

Shikamaru still looked confused, but on Kakashi's face, realization dawned, "You're a virgin." 

The brunette winced, "Yeah… In just about… _Everything_ …" 

"And you're _ashamed_ about that?" 

"Shikamaru… I'm _twenty-five_ …" 

"So? Age is a drag, anyway." 

Iruka scoffed, finally raising his gaze from the floor, "Easy for _you_ to say!" 

"Not really… My boyfriend keeps worrying about my youth wasting away in his apartment, my dad keeps looking at me like he's waiting for something, my mom keeps pointing out guys around my age that're boring as hell, and apparently, no-one cares how _I_ feel about it. I'm _not_ wasting away, I've never _felt_ like a fifteen-year-old and I _hate_ that people try to protect me just because my _body_ hasn't caught up to my _mind_ yet!" He was almost yelling now, looking directly at Kakashi. 

The silver-haired man let out a small sigh, "I'm sorry, Shikamaru. I know how frustrating it can be, but I also know how it feels to be _forced_ to grow up. Even when you're too smart for your age, even if you _feel_ older, you're not completely there yet. I'm trying to find the middle way because I _was_ forced to grow up, and t hurt like hell. It _still_ does, sometimes. I love you too much to do that to you…" 

"Whatever," Iruka brusquely cut in, the look the lovers shared only served to emphasize his own loneliness, "I just…" 

Kakashi looked back at him, a soft expression on his face as he carefully asked, "Have you ever actually dated?" 

"Did you? You know, before…" Iruka waved vaguely towards the youngest of the trio. 

The silver-haired man chuckled, "No, that's why I suck at this. But we _both_ suck, so I guess it's alright." 

"Babe, that's… _Personal_ ," But Shikamaru chuckled all the same. 

"What? I didn't mean – Iruka, you didn't think I meant – right?" 

The brunette couldn't hold back his smile, "Kakashi, I _know_ you… So, _yes_." 

The jounin playfully scoffed, "Try to help and _this_ is the thanks I get?" 

Shikamaru smirked at him, "I'm pretty sure Iruka-sensei doesn't want to hear details like that… Not right now at least." 

"Shikamaru," He chuckled, "You can drop the 'sensei', you know…" 

The Nara looked up, straight into the teacher's eyes, "No. Because for me, that's part of your name," A half-smirk appeared on his face, "You don't even realize, do you? How much I admire you for never giving up on us lazy bums? You are Iruka- _sensei_ , one of the very few people that I actually have _respect_ for," His half-smirk turned into a full one, "Don't make me give that up, dude. That would be _such_ a drag…" Shrugging, the young man leaned back against the wall, studying a wrinkle in the sheets as if it was the most important thing he'd ever seen. 

Iruka was speechless. No, he _hadn't_ realized, not at all. He knew that Shikamaru didn't really have much _against_ him, and, since earlier today, that apparently the young man thought he was 'cool' – whatever _that_ meant. That he trusted him with their secret, although to Iruka, it'd seemed more likely that he had simply trusted his boyfriend's judgment. But _this_ … "No, Shikamaru, I didn't realize. Not any of it," He spoke softly, his tone filled with wonder as tears filled his eyes, "And I am incredibly honored that you feel that way about me…" 

"Dude, don't be. It's all because of you, isn't it? How could I _not_ respect the _one_ guy that never gave up on me? On Choji? On Kiba and Naruto? We were the runts of the litter but you never let us down. Even till this day, you've _never_ let me down. So you're staying Iruka-sensei in my book. Deal with it." 

"Aw, that's cute," Kakashi smiled, wrapping an arm around the obviously embarrassed Nara. 

Red cheeks turned even redder and Shikamaru roughly pushed the older man away, " _Dude_ , stop that!" 

Iruka smiled wide, "Okay, so maybe not cute, like Kakashi says. I'd personally go for the term 'amazing'…" 

"Stop it," The young man muttered, all but curling himself into a little ball, "Wasn't there some important conversation going on or something?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Alright, alright…" Then, serious again, he turned to the brunette, "But that still leaves us with a bit of a sticky situation, my friend… We're clearly having a difference of opinion here, and –" 

"No Kakashi, you were right. I really was just… Getting a little desperate..." Iruka sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, "I just…" 

The silver-haired man spoke softly, "I know…" 

They stayed silent for a while, neither man knowing where to go from here. When, suddenly, Shikamaru spoke up. He was once again studying the little wrinkle in the sheets, and sounded as if he was completely bored, but still… "Izumo's hot…" 

"Eh…?" Iruka blinked. 

"Kakashi," Still not looking up, but maybe, just _maybe_ sounding a _little_ less bored, "We've already established that I've got good taste, and the first time we spoke about this, back at that inn, we both decided Izumo's hot. Kotetsu's hotter, but he's straight, so Iruka-sensei can't very well put the moves on _him_ …" 

"Eh, Shikamaru… I'm quite sure I don't know how to 'put the moves' on _anyone_ … And how do you even _know_ about any of this…?" 

Kakashi sighed, "Asuma was here earlier, told us the whole story… About Gai outing me in front of him and Izumo after Izumo's little scene at the gate. About how they decided they were going to leave Shikamaru's name out of it. About how they practically dumped they guy on your doorstep – what happened by the way? About how Asuma… He… And… _**Damnit**_!" He jumped up, started pacing again. 

"He came to apologize. The _one_ guy Kakashi never wanted to find out. Apparently it's a long story," Shikamaru got up, interrupting his boyfriend's pacing by intentionally blocking his path. Wrapping his arms around the taller man, he spoke in a soothing tone, "Please calm down, Babe. He's not here right now and he's not going to hurt you. I won't _let_ him hurt you, never again." 

He kept talking, even though Kakashi kept struggling against the younger man's embrace. For how long this went on, Iruka didn't know.  
Too long.  
Way too long… 

Kakashi unexpectedly stopped at the sound of a knock on the door, "Tsunade!" 

Shikamaru sighed, letting go of his boyfriend his shoulders slumped, "I'll go let her in, then…" 

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _And there you have it, yet another breakdown for poor Kakashi Hatake! Kind of a long chapter though, no? For me it is. Almost six thousand words. There's a_ _ **lot**_ _going on here, and I'll be picking up each of these storylines later on. So you better try to remember it all ;)_


	73. I'll Be By Your Side

AUTHORS NOTE: I got in a… _Weird_ mood… It rubbed off on Kakashi, and probably the others as well… But… It seemed to do the trick, so… Yeah… _Elephants!_

And I have a little action scene! The first I've ever written! You're probably going to have to squint a little to _find_ it though… xD

This is the SECOND chapter today, all thanks to this HUGE and LOVELY mail from ArturoLJ50. I love you ^.^

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 73: I'll Be By Your Side

XOXOX

When the door opened, Tsunade blinked. Then blinked again, "Shikamaru? That's… Unexpected…" 

"He's falling apart again, and I can't help him, and you're here so you're going to, you can do it, right? You can help him, he needs help and I can't – I'm not good enough but you can, right? Please tell me you can help him…" His voice cracked, and tears started to run down his cheeks. 

Tsunade couldn't believe this was actually happening right now – she'd been pretty sure this brat hated her guts. That he thought he was better suited to help Kakashi. That she should just butt out. That was what the looks he always gave her suggested at least. And now he was all but begging for her help… "That bad, huh? I'll do my best, Shikamaru. Just –" 

" _Not_ good enough!" He blocked her path, staring at her with fury in his eyes, "You _will_ help him, don't you _dare_ fail him now!" 

Fresh tears fell and she couldn't hold back. Reaching out, Tsunade pulled the crying boy against her chest, rubbing his back as she tried to talk him down, "You're right, I _will_. I _will_ help him, Shikamaru. That's what I'm here for." 

"And don't you ever forget it," He pushed her away, stepping aside to let her pass. He wiped his nose on his sleeve before following her to the bedroom, a small gesture that didn't escape the older woman. 

_He's almost breaking down_ _ **himself**_ _– what the hell does that say about Kakashi's state?!_  
As she stepped into the bedroom, she knew. And her heart sank. 

XOXOX

When Shikamaru left to get the door, Iruka worried that the older man would either start pacing again, or do something to hurt himself. But Kakashi just stood there, frozen. As if he wasn't a man, but a statue of one.  
But as Shikamaru's tear-strained voice drifted back to them, all that changed. 

Iruka watched in shock as the man before him suddenly fell to his knees, hugging himself. The brunette got up, placing a gentle hand on his best friend's trembling shoulder, intending to soothe the man. 

In a flash of moving limbs, the copy ninja rose to his feet, one hand connecting to Iruka's chest, pushing him back, his legs pulled out from under him by Kakashi's.  
The chuunin landed on his back on the bed – _Lucky for me, imagine what could've_ _ **happened**_ _just now!_  
And Kakashi fell back down to his knees. Hugging himself. Muttering. 

Iruka listened in sheer horror. 

"Can't know… As'ma can't know… Bout the whores, bout the… 'Ruka can't… Whores… Blood… Monster… As'ma… 'Ruka… Sh'maru… Can't… Blood… Hurt them… Can't know…" 

XOXOX

 _ **Not again!**_  
"Iruka, Shikamaru, get out of here, _right_ now," It was a direct order – not from the Hokage, but from the therapist, " _Leave_."  
She saw the schoolteacher scrambling to get to his feet, heard the protests from both of them, "Go. _Now!_ I'm _not_ asking again." 

"But –" 

"He's –" 

" _Out!_ " 

XOXOX

Iruka closed the front door behind them, "That's… He's…" 

"I know," The Nara stuffed his hands deep inside his pockets, looking up at the clouds, "Apparently he's been like that before…" 

Iruka studied the young man for a moment, tears were still running down the Nara's cheeks and he looked so utterly alone right now that the warm-hearted man couldn't take it. Throwing an arm around Shikamaru's shoulders, he pulled the shaking body tight against his own. Shikamaru immediately wrapped his arms around the older man as he cried against Iruka's chest. 

XOXOX

Tsunade waited until the front door closed, then sat down on the floor opposite the muttering man. She didn't try to touch him – that was most likely what Iruka'd attempted. So she just listened, while she tried to figure out what to do next. 

"…'Ruka can't know… 'Ruka, keep 'Ruka safe… As'ma, no don't… Please, As'ma don't hurt me… Please… 'Ruka safe… Please… Sh'maru… _No As'ma!_ " Suddenly he yelled, eye wide in fear, but immediately after it started fluttering again, he started muttering again," Don't hurt him… No more… Please… No more… 'Ruka safe, Sh'maru safe… Please… No As'ma… Safe… Please…" 

This was more than enough, Tsunade decided, "Kakashi, it's just you and me here. Iruka is safe and Shikamaru is safe, and right now, you and me are the only ones here. Asuma isn't going to hurt either of them, and he's not going to hurt you either. They're safe, Kakashi. You're safe," She kept talking, softly, but just loud enough to drown out his voice.  
 _What the hell is he thinking about, I wonder? Did Asuma do something? Why is he so scared of him? And why protect Iruka? I can see why he'd want to protect Shikamaru – he wants to save the brat from suffering through what he's been through, and apparently, Asuma's had something to do with that as well. But why Iruka? Wait, he's not – Then again, why not? If you can believe the rumors, Izumo's already openly declared his love for Kotetsu as well – and got brutally rejected.  
So why not Iruka? But, even more importantly – What the hell did Asuma do? 'Please don't hurt me'… That's… Bad.  
_"You're safe, Kakashi, Iruka is safe, Shikamaru is safe. Asuma can't –" 

"He hurt me Tsunade," He looked her in the eyes, "Asuma… Always hurt me. Ever since… _Always._ I can't remember back when he didn't. Called me faggot, poofter, freak, pole smoker… Told me to stop acting so gay, pushed me away… I…" He licked his lips nervously, she could see it through the mask, "I was in love with him back then, he always called me horrible names, always asked where Kurenai was… All his life he's been afraid of… Of people like me… And then Shikamaru… I felt so sorry for him, and then, he actually went and told him… I was there, Tsunade, I watched Shikamaru fall apart, helped him back up… But Asuma didn't know about me, was _never_ supposed to know about me. But Gai told him. Told Asuma…" 

"Wait, Gai knows? When –" She realized she'd made a mistake, that she should've stayed quiet. He'd managed to pull _himself_ out of his previous muttering state. She shouldn't have spoken, shouldn't have interrupted the man. 

He stared at her for several long seconds, but then suddenly got to his feet, dropping himself on the edge of the bed instead. Crossing his legs, he reached for a smoke, "Right… You missed a couple things…" 

XOXOX

"I'm good now, Iruka-sensei. Better, at least," Shikamaru untangled himself, offering the older man a watery smile, "Thanks…" 

"Sure, any time Shikamaru," He tried to smile back, but it didn't come out right, "Think he's… Gonna be okay again?" 

The younger of the two shrugged, "If anyone can help him now, it's Tsunade. I'm just prayin' she's not gonna tie him up again – scares the crap out of the guy..." 

Iruka nodded thoughtfully, "I can certainly see why…" 

"Yeah… I guess…" Unsure how much he could actually disclose, Shikamaru fell quiet. 

"I think it's going to take time, though… Shikamaru, why don't we go grab a drink? We could stay here, but that's not going to do anyone any good, and… Well, honestly, I could really use a drink right about now. If you don't mind…" He looked over at the young form leaning against the railing. 

"Yeah… Any chance I can get one too?" He didn't look up, instead staring blindly at the street below, "And smokes, I feel like I'm gonna go crazy…" 

Iruka sighed quietly.  
 _He really_ _ **is**_ _too old for his age. And this relationship isn't helping that either. Without Kakashi… I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be smoking_ _ **or**_ _drinking, but… Who can blame him? His boyfriend is a mess, and he can't help him. Maybe no-one can…  
_ "Sure." 

XOXOX

"So the rumors are true, then…" 

"What rumors?" He frowned, probably wondering if he'd divulged too much. 

"About Izumo professing his love for Kotetsu at the guard booth. Asuma and Gai seem to have been playing catcher; Every time the rumor starts getting out of hand, one or both show up. Either with a distraction of to set the record straight." 

"Gay. Set the record gay. If Izumo's really…" 

She chuckled, "You know what I mean, Kakashi." 

"I do," He hesitated for a moment, "Tsunade… You drugged me last time, didn't you?" There was no accusation in his voice, it was just an honest question. 

"Yes, I did. I'm sorry Kakashi, but I couldn't just leave you, the way things stood that might've been too dangerous." 

"I understand," A match flared up, another cigarette caught fire, "Please never do that again. Just… Tell me. Give me a choice, like with the blue stuff." 

"Alright." 

"Promise?" 

She smiled, sometimes he was just… _Cute_ , "I promise, Kakashi." 

"Good. Now… Do you happen to have any more of that blue stuff?" 

XOXOX

Shikamaru pulled a face, "Still disgusting…" 

Iruka couldn't help but chuckle, "I didn't force you to drink it, you know. You literally asked me for it." 

"I know, doesn't mean I like the taste, Iruka-sensei. I just… It helps me calm down a little. It's not like I intent to get drunk or anything, but…" 

The brunette gave him a comforting smile, "I know. Neither do I. We're just… Too worried right now." 

He watched Shikamaru take another sip, cigarette in hand. The boy was visibly shaking and hadn't even glanced around Iruka's apartment. Coming from Shikamaru, that was a bad sign. Tipping back his own cup, he leaned against the bed, "Shikamaru, will you please tell me if you feel yourself slipping? I worry for you as well." 

"Likewise, Iruka-sensei. He's your best friend isn't he?" 

"Yes, but he's _your_ boyfriend," The brunette pointed out. 

The young man shot him a look before dropping himself on his back. Laying on the ground, he pulled up his knees, resting one hand on his stomach while the other tapped the ashes off in the mug Iruka'd gotten to use as an ashtray, "Same difference, Iruka-sensei. For now." 

"Maybe… Still, I'm more worried about you than I am about myself right now." 

"Right back at ya." 

Iruka frowned in confusion, "For real? You're worried about _me_?" 

The Nara sat back up again, crushing the bud between his fingers before dropping it in the mug, "Why wouldn't I be? Didn't we already establish that I care about you?" 

"I… Suppose we did. Thanks…" 

"Whatever," Shikamaru lay back down, "It's a drag…" 

XOXOX

"Think that would help, Kakashi?" There was a light frown on the blonde's face; In her experience, mental patients _asking_ for medication was usually a bad sign. 

"It calmed me down last time. Stopped the thoughts. There's too many of them, Tsunade. Too many to keep track of. I can't… I can't even _think_ right now!" Frustrated, he hit his head with both fists. 

_Not good…_  
"Oh…?" She deliberately drawled the word out, laced her voice with mild surprise, "I didn't notice. You _seem_ to be thinking just fine…"  
 _Now what will you do, Kakashi? Will you get angry? Plead with me? Cry?  
Then no, you're __**not**_ _getting it. It's not intended to suppress_ _ **everything**_ _. Only if you're really stuck. That is, if you ever want to function as a shinobi again. Do you?  
_

"Tsunade… Please don't lie to me. I know you… Noticed. I can tell by the look on your face, every time I don't… _Manage_ a clear sentence. Even now, this, it takes all my… Concentration just to… I…" He frowned, "I lost it." 

"Kakashi, I don't intent to keep you doped up." 

"I don't _want_ to be. I just… Eh…" He frowned again, muttering a curse under his breath. 

"It's slipping isn't it? Your concentration?" 

She watched him nod. He'd obviously forgotten about the unlit cigarette and the matchbook in his hand. She didn't point it out to him, "In one word, how do you feel right now?" 

It took some time, he frowned a couple of times, signaling that he'd found a word, but lost it. Eventually, the man settled on, "Frustrated." 

She almost smiled, "I can tell." 

"You're mean." 

"No. Just careful." 

"Tsch. _Fine_." 

XOXOX

"So… Just for the record, Shikamaru… _Are_ you sleeping with him?" 

The young man on the floor chuckled, "Can't sleep without 'em. But I know what you mean…" 

"Well?" Though unseen by Shikamaru, Iruka cocked his head to the side, a small smile on his face. 

"Why do you wanna know so bad?" He held one hand up in the air, studying the play of light and shadow as he moved it from side to side. 

"Honestly… I'm not even sure. Curiosity maybe?" 

"Think I'm too young?" The wry smile on the Nara's lips was actually _audible._

"Maybe… If it was anyone else. Somehow the age gap doesn't bother me as much when I realize it's you and Kakashi." 

"Huh? Weird… We are though." 

Iruka couldn't help a slight chuckle, "He any good?" 

A chuckle emerged from somewhere under the table, "Best I ever had." 

"Let me guess… Better than doing it yourself?" He almost laughed out loud. 

"Yup," Shikamaru laughed, "But really, why do you care? I mean… Even if I wasn't…" 

"He's with you, I know. I'm not being jealous here, Shikamaru. Well, maybe a _little_ , you snagged the hottest guy around. But really… I just… I don't know, I wondered. I mean, Kakashi manages to imply even just _breathing_ is something sexual, so…" He pulled a little face, "I don't really pay too much attention to what he says about it. But it _did_ make me curious… That's all, really." 

Shikamaru chuckled again, "He's got such a dirty mind…" 

"I know, right? Every now and then I have to remind myself not to talk to the guy before work, 'cause he always manages to rub off on me." 

"Probably would make class a lot more fun, though… Think he's gonna be okay, Iruka-sensei?" 

Iruka sighed, "We can only hope…" 

XOXOX

"That's not blue," He pointed at the glass in her hand. 

"No, this is regular water. And _this_ ," She held the item up for inspection, "Is the pill I intent to give to you." 

"It's white." 

_Way to state the obvious, brat…_  
Tsunade almost chuckled, but managed to keep herself in check, "It's not the same stuff. I still want to be able to talk to you. If I give you what I gave you earlier, I can't." 

" 'S it work?" 

" _Does_ it work, or _how_ does it work? You left the first part of the question out," She sat down next to him. He'd finally remembered the cigarette while she was in the kitchen, or maybe it'd just caught his eye. Either way, he was smoking again. Somehow, that seemed to help. 

"Both." 

"Alright. First, this isn't a suppressor. It's actually a regular mild sedative. And yes, I believe it will work, I wouldn't give it to you if I didn't. But smoking calms you down, and you sound clearer every time you smoke. I just wish you had another stress-relief…" 

"I do." 

"Oh? Good, what is it?" 

He chuckled, giving her a naughty look, "Sex." 

She smiled back at him, "Well, that's not going to do us much good right now, seeing as I'm no guy. Here," She handed him the glass and the pill, "Choice is yours." 

"Is it gonna make me sleep?" 

"No. I already said I wanted to talk. You may be cute when you're sleeping, but then I _still_ wouldn't know what's up." 

"Hmmm?" He swallowed the pill before tipping back the water, "I already told you, though. And don't call me cute, it's creepy." 

" _Creepy_?" She chuckled. 

The man carefully looked away, pretending to busy himself with choosing another cigarette, "You're old enough to be my mother…" 

Tsunade couldn't help but laugh. 

XOXOX

"Hey Iruka-sensei?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"Why the hell do you have porn stashed away under here?" 

"I… Eh, _Shikamaru_ …" 

"I mean, it's outta reach, right?" 

Iruka felt his cheeks burn, "Please drop the subject…" 

XOXOX

"I don't think it's just Asuma, or Gai telling Asuma or even Izumo's little break-down. What's really on your mind, Kakashi?" 

"Elephants." 

" _What_?!" 

"You're pretending not to see the huge elephant in the room. If I'm not telling you, that means there's a reason. A reason that I _have_ told you. Voilà, elephant." 

Tsunade blinked a couple times, was this an unforeseen side effect? Kakashi seemed… _Weirder_ , than usual, "The promise you made? Is that what you mean?" 

He pointed at her, " _Elephant_!" 

Tsunade bit her nail. _  
This is starting to creep me out…  
_

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Hey, at least this time it wasn't Sakura embarrassing Iruka, right? :P  
Seriously though… I had such a weird vibe going on here… Hope you liked anyway!_


	74. A Moment Of Carelessness

AUTHORS NOTE: In case you're wondering, a quick and not-so thorough browse on the web gave me some random Japanese words that I stuck together to create a restaurant name, loosely translated 'Koi No Miryokunoaru Iroppoi' would, according to google (and again, I wasn't very thorough and you shouldn't just take my Japanese doodles for knowledge) 'high ranking glamorous amorous'. Anyway, I just kinda liked the sound of it ;) Usually I do more prep, but honestly – I didn't feel like it. -.-" Holidays and winter dip getting to me, and I kind of had to push this chapter out, while still _wanting_ to write it. So I apologize if the quality isn't up to par. I really do. I dunno, something's a little off, my muse and I seem to be arguing and I have _no_ idea what I did to her… (Oh gosh that sounded _way_ too appropriate given the chapter…) Anyway, enjoy, let me know what you think, _please_. 

Also, I know there are 3 reviews that didn't show up on the last chapter. I got them anyway – via mail, and I'm hoping they'll show up anyway. But don't let that stop you from reviewing, I get your support delivered by e-mail as well, and I could really use it right now ;)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 74: A Moment Of Carelessness And It All Turns To Rubble

XOXOX

Izumo sighed, that knock on the door just now? It could only be one person. And he wasn't sure he was ready to face his best friend slash crush for life just yet. But Kotetsu knocked again, and he realized it was mean to leave the guy hanging like that. So Izumo went to open the door. 

"Hey buddy," Kotetsu smiled wide and Izumo had to suppress another sigh, "I eh, I noticed you were home and… I thought we could maybe… Hang out?" His tone got more and more hesitant the longer he spoke, watching Izumo's less than excited expression. 

Izumo chuckled humorlessly, "So you're going to pretend the last two days never happened?" 

"No," A light frown appeared on Kotetsu's face, "But I _do_ want to stay your friend, and you said you wanted that too, right?" 

"Yeah…" He stepped aside, muttering under his breath, "Let's see how _that_ ' _s_ ever gonna work…" 

XOXOX

"Shino! I'm sorry I'm late, did you have to wait long?" The pinkette all but ran out of the library, giving her boyfriend a quick peck on the cheek. 

He smiled at her, returning the kiss, "Not at all, Sakura." 

She frowned, cocking her head to the side as she checked the clock above the entrance to the library, "I'm almost an hour late… Where you late as well?" 

"No. I simply do not mind waiting." 

"But I asked if you'd waited _long_ , and an hour is pretty long…" 

He smiled at her, "Not really, Sakura. Not when I'm waiting for you." 

She turned to him, eyes shooting daggers, hands on her hips, "Are you trying to tell me something, Shino?!" 

The Kekaichu-handler blinked, "No, Sakura…" 

She squinted at him, her tone dangerously soft, "I know I'm working a lot, Shino. But if you've got a problem with that you can just _tell_ me so." 

The warning was lost on the boy, and he quickly assured her that he didn't have a problem with Sakura working so much. Not at all. He should have been paying more attention…  
She nearly growled at him, her voice steadily rising, "So you don't give a crap about me working my ass off to become a medical ninja worthy of Lady Tsunade's tutelage? You don't care if I spent my entire morning cooped up in there," She vigorously pointed at the library, " _Hurrying,_ so I can have lunch with _you_ ," Her hand moved to point at the Aburame, all but piercing his chest, "Spent a couple of hours with _you_ , and then have to spent _half the night_ studying _again_ to make up for the lost time?! _You don't_ _ **care**_ _?!_ " 

Shino finally seemed to realize he made a mistake, and moved to quickly correct it. Raising his hands a little, he tried to keep his tone calm as ever – another mistake, "Sakura, I have the utmost respect for your studies. What I _meant_ to say was that I do not mind waiting for that. That I do not mind –" 

"Don't mind _what,_ Shino?!" She shrieked, "The bags under my eyes? The fact that I haven't had a good night's sleep in I don't know how long? That I'm always hurrying?! That I'm behind on schedule?! That you don't seem to understand what an egocentric _asshole_ you are?!" 

"Sakura…" 

"Shut _up_ , Shino! Just _shut up!_ I'm going back to my studies," She turned on her heels, leaving an astounded Shino Aburame standing on the street as she stomped away. 

_What did I do wrong? Did I not show her my patience? Father has taught me that I should always remain patient in the presence of a lady. Though she has, on several occasions, informed me that she is not a lady. Indeed, she is not.  
_ He frowned lightly.  
 _That does not change my feelings for her, however. Although it seems it is a lot more difficult to deal with a young woman who isn't a lady. Hinata might understand, she is a lady, but she is also of the same age as Sakura. I believe I should ask Hinata…  
_

He left, on route to the Hyuga compound. Unaware of bright green eyes following his exit. 

_Shino can be such a_ _ **jerk**_ _sometimes! So completely_ _ **oblivious**_ _! Where the hell does he think he's going anyway?! He's_ _ **supposed**_ _to wait there until I come back out again! Drop to his knees, apologize! That's the kind of stuff he does, right? Where the hell is he_ _ **going**_ _?!_

XOXOX

"So… Eh, how'd you sleep?" 

Kotetsu blinked, "Sorry, what?" 

"Yesterday, you said you had trouble sleeping, right?" Izumo sat stiffly on the pillows surrounding his low table. 

"Eh… Right… Yeah, fine, I guess…" He leaned back on his hands, raising one knee in an attempt to look as if he was comfortable, "I mean… Eh…" 

Izumo licked his lips, mirroring his friend's posture, attempting the same thing Kotetsu was, "I guess… I mean, now you know, right?" 

"Right… Yeah…" Kotetsu swallowed, "Look, Iz," He suddenly sounded very serious, looking the brunette in the eyes, "I don't want to be awkward around you, you're still my best friend even if… But that's not even the point! We're still friends, right? Please Iz, tell me we're still friends…" 

"Kotetsu…" His tongue flicked out nervously, "Tetsu, I-I want to, I really do. I just… Right now I don't really know _how_." 

He shrugged a little, "Like we always did." 

Izumo sadly shook his head, "I can't go back to pretending like that, 'Tetsu… You _know_ now, please don't expect me to go back into hiding. Even if this is awkward, even if it _hurts_ , 'Tetsu. That hurt _more_ …" 

Kotetsu swallowed, taking a sip of his coffee to buy some time. He set the cup back down. Picked it back up again, nursing one more sip, set it back down. Cleared his throat. Looked around for a little while. Picked his cup back up. Took another small sip. Set the cup back down. Swallowed hard. Then tried to look Izumo in the eyes, but his friend had stopped looking at him a while ago – his gaze resting on his own tea. Kotetsu swallowed again, "Iz…" At least he got the satisfaction of his friend looking up again, even if he had _no_ idea how to continue. Still, he tried, "I… No, I don't want you to… I mean… I don't want to hurt you… I just… You're my friend!" He exclaimed, slumping back as once again, Izumo shook his head, a sad expression on his face. 

"We've talked about this already 'Tetsu. I'm n _ot_ your friend, I'm the guy that's in love with you. Please don't confuse the two, that's just… Stupid, really." 

He closed his eyes, fighting against the tears, "Then what would you have me do, Iz? Tell you I'm in love with you too? Spread my legs? What?" 

Izumo jumped up, " _Tetsu!_ Don't fucking _joke_ about it!" He shook with suppressed anger, tears stinging in his eyes. 

Kotetsu looked up at him, silently crying, "I'm not joking, buddy. I asked you what you _want_ from me. I'm not entirely sure why you're getting so mad right now, but I guess I should be grateful that at least you don't look like a lost puppy anymore…" He sighed, moving to stand up. Izumo immediately backed away, and Kotetsu looked at him with hurt in his eyes, "I'm not going to do anything to you, buddy. I just… Apparently I should go…" 

XOXOX

"Lord Hiashi, would it be possible for me to speak with Hinata?" 

The man regarded his daughter's teammate with stern eyes, "She is training with Neji." 

Shino bowed his head, "I am sorry. I was unaware of that. I will take my leave now," He turned but was stopped by the older man's voice. 

"What's troubling you, Shino? I have never seen you like this…" 

A weak smile appeared on the Aburame's face, though his high collar hid it from view. He turned back to the head of the Hyuga clan, "I seem to be experiencing some trouble with my girlfriend, though I honestly do not know what I did wrong. I was hoping that your daughter might be able to shed some light on the situation. But I will not bother her while she is training, please forgive the intrusion." 

Hiashi felt one corner of his mouth lift a little, "You have a girlfriend, Shino?" 

"I do. Her name is Sakura Haruno." 

"Lady Hokage's charge?" 

"Indeed." 

The Hyuga nodded to himself, he could already see multiple issues those two could be experiencing. The ever-stoic Aburame most likely had no idea how to handle the passionate young kunoichi, "Why don't you come in, Shino? Hinata is busy at the moment, but maybe I will be able to help you out." 

"I would not want to be a burden on you, Lord Hiashi. I know you are a very busy man," But he hesitantly took one step toward the front door nonetheless. 

"I am. I'm very busy. But not right now, and I believe that Hinata wouldn't be of much use to you anyway. Come in, tell me what's wrong." 

So Shino followed the man inside. 

XOXOX

"No… Kotetsu, stay. Please…" He bowed his head, "I'm sorry, I… I don't know what came over me…" 

Kotetsu sighed, "You probably wish Iruka was here right now, don't you?" His tone was weary, defeated. 

"I guess…" His tongue flicked out nervously, "But… Iruka's not _you_ , 'Tetsu." _  
_

"No… He's not the guy you've been in love with since your Academy days, right?" A wry smile graced his face. 

Izumo finally looked at his friend properly, his tone soft but clear, "That's not what I meant, 'Tetsu. I meant to say that Iruka's not the guy I shared my first bottle of sake with. He's not the guy that was there when I our first mission landed me in the hospital, he's _not_ the guy that's _been_ there my entire life. He's a good guy, sure, but _you're_ Kotetsu Hagane! _You're_ …" His tone had steadily increased, but now he suddenly whispered, "You're _everything_ …" 

A soft smile appeared on Kotetsu's face, "You're my everything too, Iz. Just…" 

"I know. Not like that…" 

They looked at each other, two friends tied together by fate, by destiny. Both knew that without one, the other would not survive, they knew it like they knew the sun rises in the morning – they _needed_ each other. Always had, always would. Each taking but one step, they embraced each other.

XOXOX

"Tell me Shino, what's the trouble?" Hiashi suppressed a small smile as he took a little sip of his tea. 

The young man frowned a little, "Apparently she is not a lady, though I do not mind. However… She puzzles me." 

He almost chuckled, "I can imagine. But woman puzzle all of us, Shino. Why don't you tell me what happened?" 

XOXOX

They stood there for a long time, simply hugging. When finally Izumo pulled back a little, he somehow felt whole again, "Tetsu… I'm sorry." 

He shook his head, letting go of his best friend, "You shouldn't apologize, Iz. It's not like you ever did anything wrong. _I'm_ the one that fucked up." 

Izumo chuckled lightly, "No, no… I _fucked_ … up," He winked. 

Blinking, he stared at his best friend for a few seconds, "Iz… That's just… _Dirty_..." Kotetsu chuckled, "Who knew? Goodie-two-shoes Izumo Kamizuki has a dirty mind." 

He playfully poked his best friend in the ribs, "When it comes to hot guys I do," As Kotetsu retreated a little, Izumo froze, "Too soon?" 

Kotetsu chuckled, then laughed out loud. Doubling over, he grabbed hold of Izumo's shoulder to stop himself from falling to his knees. After finally calming down again, as he wiped the tears out of his eyes, he regarded his friend with an almost serious look, "No, I'm good. I just _never_ expected to hear those words fall from _your_ lips…" Straightening his back, he tried to suppress another chuckle, "Come on, Iz, I can't _possibly_ be the only hot guy in the village…" He winked at him, poking his friend back. 

"Heh…" Blushing, he took a little step back, "You probably don't want to hear…" 

Inching closer, Kotetsu all but pressed his face against Izumo's, "Try me." 

XOXOX

"It sounds like a simple misunderstanding to me, Shino. She might've gotten a little more upset than I would have expected, but you really did make it sound like you're used to waiting for her for long stretches of time." 

He frowned, "I am." 

A half-smirk fought its way unto Lord Hiashi's face, "You shouldn't _tell_ her that." 

"I am aware of this. And I did not intent for the conversation to turn that way. I had planned on complementing her dedication, before asking her where she would like to have lunch. I realized that she would most likely name the same restaurant that we always go to, and had intended to propose  
'Koi No Miryokunoaru Iroppoi'. To which proposition her eyes would widen, and she would say you need a reservation to even get inside. I would then inform her that I had already made that reservation, and offer her my arm. Then –" 

"Wait, Shino," He interrupted, "Do you literally plan every interaction with the girl out like that?" 

"Meticulously." 

Hiashi blinked.  
 _No wonder they got into a fight…_

XOXOX

"Uh… Okay… This stays between us, right?" Izumo nervously licked his lips, sitting on Kotetsu's couch. They'd moved over to his apartment, because Kotetsu had a good supply of beer, and Izumo really felt like he could use a couple for this conversation to even be a possibility. He'd tipped back two already, feeling pleasantly buzzed, and just a little braver. 

"Of course," Kotetsu smiled, taking a swig from his first beer. Izumo wasn't a big drinker and the fact that he'd already had _two_ made him feel a little guilty for asking, but at the same time… This was what friends did, right? Talk about hot – well, _guys_ , apparently. Not that he minded at all. Although if Kotetsu was completely honest, he would have to admit that right now he was mostly in awe over the fact that his friend was still upright and not even slurring his words too bad. Usually, Izumo would drink at most three beers on an entire night, with lots of coffee in between. 

He leaned a little closer, almost whispering in Kotetsu's ear, "I think Iruka's pretty hot, don't you think?" He giggled like a schoolgirl, hiding his mouth with his hand, a bright blush on his face. 

Kotetsu tried to keep a straight face, but failed miserably, "That _scar_ though! That's not hot, Iz, that's… I dunno… _Not_ hot." 

Izumo looked a little disappointed, but quickly continued, "Then how 'bout Ebisu?" 

Kotetsu blinked.  
 _Wow… He's got a really weird taste in men, eh? But then… What does that say about_ _ **me**_ _?  
_ "Uh… I guess… He's kind of a dick, though…" 

Pouting, Izumo retorted, "You said _hot,_ you never mentioned other qualities!" Leaning over a little further, he rested his head on Kotetsu's shoulder like he'd done a million times before. It felt safe, and Izumo sighed contently. 

When a head came to rest upon his shoulder, Kotetsu was startled, but as Izumo let out a soft sigh, he relaxed again. Throwing an arm around his best friend without thinking about it – they'd sat like this so many times before after all. Izumo snuggled up to him a little more, and Kotetsu smiled. 

"Tetsu?" His voice was soft, "Is this okay?" 

"Don't see why not? It's not like we've never – " 

"Yeah, but… Heh…" 

"Iz… It's fine, okay? I'm just glad we're still friends, that we can still _touch_ each other…" He sighed silently, it _had_ felt a little awkward at first, but now… It just felt right to have Izumo leaning against him again. He swallowed as suddenly a hand was gently placed on his stomach, but didn't say anything about it. Usually, Izumo would just lean against him, this was new. But Kotetsu figured there wasn't any harm in it, so why not? If his friend needed a little comfort, that was fine. 

Izumo's thumb unconsciously rubbed Kotetsu's stomach while the brunette's mind was elsewhere.  
 _Hot guys… Hot guys to distract him with… I've never even_ _ **thought**_ _about it before! I need to think of more names, but… He… He feels so warm… And… He's… I love him, I love_ _ **him**_ _. I don't_ _ **want**_ _to think about other guys, I just want to think about_ _ **him**_ _. Kotetsu…  
_

"Hey, eh… Iz?" 

Startled, he looked up, "Yeah?" 

"Eh… You're tickling me…" Kotetsu swallowed, Izumo's face was suddenly _very_ close and somehow he had a nagging feeling that the brunette wasn't listening to him at all. 

"I… Heh…" He quickly dropped his hand, absent-mindedly resting it on Kotetsu's leg instead, "Sorry…" Licking his lips anxiously, he studied his friend's face for signs of what to do now. 

"Yeah… Eh… It's fine…" He tried to look away, but somehow Izumo's gaze held him prisoner, his hands trembling as he realized a thumb that was once again brushing past his skin. 

Izumo inched a little closer, the expression on Kotetsu's face was completely unreadable – too chaotic, too many thoughts and emotions sprawled across the face he loved so much. But the man was sporting a blush that somehow seemed to pull him in. His head cocked to the side a little, lips parted ever so slightly – Izumo was completely unaware of anything but Kotetsu right now. 

"Hey, eh, buddy?" He swallowed again, suddenly feeling extremely awkward with the situation. But Izumo didn't reply, didn't even seem to _hear_ him. It was almost frightening. Without thinking, Kotetsu pushed Izumo away from him, almost violently so. Jumping up, he all but ran across the room, "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" 


	75. I Could Have Never Imagined

AUTHORS NOTE: This is a rather painful chapter… I know I kind of brushed past the subject before, but I figured by now it might be time to actually get into it a little. Again, I have to say – and I _can't_ stretch this enough – this story is _not_ for the faint of heart. That said, I hope you're happy I updated! Reviews are _especially_ well-suited to thank me for that ;) 

Also, I've actually decided this a while ago, but I am now making it official: I am ignoring the war, the Akatsuki, the – everything, really. I don't want to kill anyone off, and I don't want to spread my poor little peeps across the land to get hurt. I like to do the hurting myself. So… You may (no, you _will_ ) still see references to the Shippuden storyline, but I'm seriously ditching most of it. As Letsrandom pointed out to me, this whole thing officially went AU the moment Kakashi and Shikamaru got together anyway.  
So if you were hoping for me to write fighting scenes; Tough luck. I'm more of an emotional/psychological writer anyway, apparently. As proven by the fact that I've written this huge story, am nowhere near done yet, and seem to get a new follower or favorite every other day or so. Seriously guys (and girls) that is just _so_ freakin' awesome!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 75: I Could Have Never Imagined

XOXOX

"Okay… So because of that promise you collapsed again? Is that it?" 

He shrugged, "Part of it." 

"And the rest?" 

"Gai telling Asuma, Asuma showing up, worrying about Iruka wanting to put his life at risk just so he can fuck a guy, worrying if Izumo is going to do the same, if he already _has_ … By the way, Iruka's thing was actually supposed to be a secret…" 

She chuckled, "I gathered as much. Did he make you promise, too?" 

"It was implied." 

"Do you think he's going to hold it against you?" 

Another shrug. 

"Kakashi?" 

He sighed softly, "Probably not. But… I don't want to talk about him anymore. I don't want to say more. It's his personal thing…" 

"Understood. Do you think you can talk about Asuma?" 

He stayed quiet for a while, pondering the question, "Maybe…" 

She cocked her head a little, "Care to try?" 

"He… I don't… He can never find out that I… About my… Crush…" 

The blonde smiled softly, "He won't hear it from me, Kakashi." 

"I know, I just… I'm worried he's going to connect the dots somehow… I mean… I was _stupid_ back then. I followed him around, cracked stupid, _obvious_ jokes… He… I mean… There was…" The sliver-haired man swallowed, shooting her a look, "You know, no offence, but… You sitting next to me feels weird when we're…" He bit his lip, looking away shyly. 

Tsunade just smiled, moving over to the chair, "This better?" 

"Yeah, thanks… Sorry…" 

"It's fine, Kakashi. After all, this is how we started, right? And if it helps you feel more comfortable… Well, I honestly don't see the problem. Is that pill I gave you working yet, by the way?" 

He worried the inside of his lip for a moment, "Starting to. I'm feeling a little calmer, don't want to smash my head through the wall anymore… But, Tsunade? Eh, I… Is it is supposed to make me this thirsty?" 

"She gave him a comforting smile, "A dry mouth is one of the most common side effects, yes. Do you want me to get us some tea?" 

He nodded, "Please. Can… I have chamomile, is that okay with…?" 

"Just fine," She got up. 

"Great… There's also a water pitcher in the left cabinet, could you…? 

"Fill it up, bring it over? Sure, give me a minute, okay?" 

He nodded again before moving back on the bed to rest against the wall. Unconsciously attempting to hide his trembling hands between his upper legs. 

XOXOX

"Iruka-sensei, can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want… I'm just… Curious." 

"You can ask," Resting back on his hands, Iruka briefly wondered what kind of question the young genius had on his mind, and if he would be inclined to answer him. 

"Do you like… Have a type?" The Nara didn't look up, instead fiddling with his still half-full sake cup. 

"I… I'm not… _Sure_ , exactly… I guess I know what I like when it comes to woman, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be interested –" 

"Try me. I mean… If you want to…" 

"Alright," Iruka took a small sip of his tea, he'd made them some when he realized Shikamaru hardly touched the sake. He was happy he did; the boy – _No, young man. I can't honestly see him as a boy when he's in a committed relationship with Kakashi –_ Had drunk most of the tea, but only a few small sips of sake. 

"Woman… I guess I like big breasts," He could feel his cheeks burn, he'd never before said it out loud, "I mean…" 

"Most guys do, right?" 

"I suppose so… I'm pretty sure that's the consensus anyway. But there's plenty guys out there that don't care, or even like 'em small too…" 

"And guys?" Dark eyes shot up for a brief moment before they wandered over to the pack of cigarettes on the table. 

"I guess… Muscular? Not overly so, but…" He thought back to that first time he'd gotten aroused by a picture of a guy, unconsciously licking his lips as he did so, "Yeah… I'm pretty sure I like 'em with a six-pack…" 

A match flared up and Shikamaru mumbled around the cigarette, "That doesn't count Izumo out, then," Before holding the flame to the tip of his smoke. 

"I suppose not…" Not really wanting to think about it right now, Iruka decided it was safer to turn the tables on the young Nara, and it wasn't like he wasn't curious too, "What do you like?" 

He snorted, "Kakashi." 

"Not _who_ ," A smile tucked on the corners of the sensei's mouth, " _What_." 

"Hmmm… Brains, smart is sexy, also… I dunno how to phrase it… Long limbs maybe? And not too beefed up, but I'm with you on the six-pack, _definitely_ with you on the six-pack," He swallowed, his eyes a little dreamy. 

"Smart is sexy, Shikamaru? Isn't that a little… _Snobbish_?" But he was smiling. 

"Maybe, but…" He took a deep drag, "D'you know how _boring_ some guys can get? And if you can't even _talk_ to him, I mean, what's the use?" 

Iruka blinked, a little surprised by the young man's words. By how _mature_ he sounded, "You're really a steady kind of guy, huh? Not even remotely interested in a one-night-stand? I mean, if you weren't already with Kakashi?" 

"I thought about it… But that was just… Because I thought I could never have him, you know? But you're right, I don't think I'm really cut out for that stuff. Regardless of whether or not I'm with Kakashi; I want the _guy_ , not just the sex." 

The brunette sighed, slouching against the bed, "I think by now I'd gladly take whatever I can get…" 

The Nara's eyes suddenly focused on him, an intense look in those dark orbs, "Don't sell yourself short, Iruka-sensei." 

XOXOX

"So Asuma, he…" He took a sip of water, shrugged, then tipped back the entire glass, "He was… Gorgeous. Still is though," Setting the glass aside, Kakashi reached for his cigarettes, "But he was also… Just fun to be around. Not so much when Kurenai was in the same room, but… That's just my _personal_ opinion," He flashed her an embarrassed smile, "Anyway… I used to try to stay close to him. Preferably not on missions, though, 'cause I'd… He always had a real problem with me slipping away. And… If he was there… I, eh… Slipped away more often? Like…" He sighed softly, "He was _really_ hot…" 

He stopped talking and she was almost certain he was thinking back on just _how_ hot the guy'd been. No wait. _Completely_ certain. She almost smiled as he muttered a curse under his breath, shooting her an self-conscious look. 

"it's fine, Kakashi." 

"Not really… It's still embarrassing… But whatever. Anyway, it was… Too hard to focus with him around." 

"I can imagine…" 

"Yeah, well… It wasn't just because of… Well, _this_ ," He gestured a little sheepishly toward the bulge in his pants, "He just… I know I made _really_ stupid jokes, but… He always seemed to reply in the most awful way he could think of. Like he sat alone at night thinking of ways to hurt me. Or so it _felt,_ anyway…" 

"Did you ever say anything about it?" 

"No… I was too scared he'd figure me out. So I never said or did anything. Though… I think I told him today that… What did I say? Something about… If he ever opens up his homophobic asshole again I was going to hurt him? Something like that…" 

Her eyebrows shot up, " _Homophobic asshole?_ " 

"Yeah… I might've gone a little… Overboard…" He rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. 

But Tsunade snorted, "Kakashi, did you _really_ not… Am I going to have to point out a dirty joke to _you_?!" 

"What?" He looked confused. 

" _Seriously_ Kakashi? Open up his homophobic asshole?" 

He blinked, whispering, "Oh my god…" Then burst out laughing, "I said… Oh god _…_ I really… Open up your homophobic asshole… _Oh god!_ How did I _miss_ that?!" 

"I have _no_ idea," She too, laughed to her heart's content. 

XOXOX

"Iruka-sensei, do you play shogi?" 

The older man chuckled, "I have a set, but I wouldn't be much of a challenge for you." 

"I don't care… I just feel like playing, been a while…" 

"Alright, I'll go get the board then." 

XOXOX

"He apologized, though," Kakashi'd calmed down again, looking out the window thoughtfully, "I would've never believed it if I hadn't heard it with both my ears _and_ Shikamaru's… He actually apologized. Said he'd prove to me that he can be worthy of the title 'friend'. .. Can you believe it?" 

"That he wants to be your friend? Yes. I think as far as Asuma was concerned all these years, you _were_. And that's probably why he apologized, don't you think?" 

"I suppose so… I can't just forgive him, though. He hurt me too much for that to be an option." 

"Don't you think he's caught on to that as well?" 

"Not fully. I don't think he can ever fully understand what he's put me through. But… I think, maybe, in time, I can accept it. Accept him." 

She smiled softly, "That's good to hear. It's okay if it takes time, Kakashi." 

"Yeah… But you see… It's not just the things _he_ did. It's also what _I_ did because of him…" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I…" He looked away uncomfortably, cheeks burning with shame, "I raped a man. Because he looked like Asuma. Because I was frustrated. And he was _there_. In my custody. I was… I _did_ that…" The man lit another cigarette, a deep frown on his face. 

Tsunade didn't know how to reply to Kakashi's admission, unsure what to say, she remained quiet. 

"I was hired by this village in the Land of Gems… Some guy had wiped out an entire family, made off with all their valuables. It was supposed to be a mission for a three man squad, A-rank. But we were so low on shinobi… So Lord Third asked me if I thought I could handle it alone," A humorless chuckle escaped him, "Of course I said yes. Didn't take me long to find him, he'd left some of his clothes behind and… Well, I've got Paccun and the rest of the pack, right? So I find the guy, holed up in some cave… I swear, he looked just like Asuma… So much so, I even went to check if maybe he wasn't a distant relative or something… But that was later," He poured himself another glass of water, wishing it was something stronger. But he tipped it back before choosing another cigarette, "Anyway… I officially arrested him, tied him up, stuffed all the stuff laying around inside storage scrolls… By then, it was late, so… I figured we'd spend the night in that cave… All that time I'd tried not to look at him, but… I just…" Tears were running down his cheeks as the silver-haired man sat frozen. For a few minutes, neither of them spoke, neither of them moved. Unexpectedly, he whispered, "I _raped_ him, Tsunade…"

XOXOX

"You're right, no match for me," Shikamaru showed him a lazy smile as he moved his piece, "That makes eighteen wins for me versus…" A wicked grin appeared, "Eighteen losses for you. Don't feel bad, though… Only one who's ever beat me is my dad…" The Nara dropped himself on his back again. 

Iruka smiled softly, "I don't feel bad, I knew I'd never beat you… You should ask Kakashi some time though. He's pretty good." 

"Hmmm? I never saw a shogi board over there?" 

"Nah, he uses mine." 

"Ah… It's been hours…" 

Iruka sighed, "I know, I'm worried too." 

XOXOX

"Kakashi, that's… In the past, right?" 

He nodded softly, all but whispering, "Years ago…" 

"Right, and we've already agreed you were a different person back then." 

He swallowed, his voice barely audible when he spoke, "It happened more than once, Tsunade. That… Was the first time, but… Somehow it… Got easier…" 

She couldn't help a smirk, "It was certainly the cheapest option, I imagine…" 

His head shot up. Staring at her, he swallowed again. 

"Kakashi…" She sighed, "Look, I know it's a heinous deed just as much as you do… And I can't… Honestly, I can't condone it, but… The man who did those things, he doesn't _exist_ anymore, Kakashi. You're _not_ him." 

"I used to be…" 

"Still, you're not anymore, and you can't keep beating yourself up over it. Not when you were as much a victim as they were. When bad things happen, sometimes the victim becomes the victimizer, Kakashi you _know_ that. And… Well most of them never stop. You _did._ On your own. And now you're one of the most reliable people I've ever met. Maybe not so much when it comes to showing up on time," She chuckled lightly, "But when someone _needs y_ ou, Kakashi… You're _always_ there. To me it's clear that you've already been punished more than enough, and even if I _didn't_ think so: Doctor-patient confidentiality." 

"I don't want to hide behind something like that, Tsunade…" 

"I know, but like I said, you're not. Even if you _were_ to be… I don't even know what to call it –" 

"Brought to justice." 

"But that's just the _thing,_ Kakashi. You'd be brought before _me_. And as far as I'm concerned, justice has already been _more_ than served. So…" She brushed a hand over her face, "It's in the past. And if you still want to beat yourself up over it now… You know what? Go ahead. It's useless and senseless and unnecessary, but go ahead. Because I won't. You've suffered enough. Plenty even." 

XOXOX

"It's way past dinnertime… Are you hungry, Shikamaru?" 

"No, too worried to even think about it. You?" 

He offered the younger man a small smile, "Same here…" 

XOXOX

"Here." 

"Is it really okay to take another one?" 

She all but snapped at him, "Kakashi, _I'm_ the medic here, remember? Worst that could happen is you fall asleep after all, but I highly doubt it. Just take the damn pill, will you? You're shaking like a twig in an autumn storm, and it's getting on my nerves to be honest with you…" 

He chuckled humorlessly, "So it _is_ possible to unnerve you," But he took the little pill, downing it with the last of the water, "Happy now?" 

She shivered, "I will be, once it kicks in and you stop shaking… I think by now I'm almost afraid to ask what else is on your mind…" 

Another chuckle, though this one seemed a bit more genuine, "Actually not that much. There _is_ of course that one thing that I _can't_ tell you… But that sort of pales in comparison, I guess…" He sighed softly, "Or at least… I _hope_ …" 

"Kakashi? I understand that you feel you can't tell me, but…" She bit her nail for a moment, "Give me this much: Are you hurting anyone?" 

He stared up at the ceiling, sighing, "Just myself, Tsunade… Just myself…" 

"Fine then. I still don't like it, but… How do you feel right now?" 

His tone was soft, "Tired. No, more like exhausted. Also… Sad, but relieved and ashamed but not so much angry anymore… I… I don't feel like I'm falling apart anymore, just... Tired of it all, I guess…" 

She cocked her head, "Tired of what? Talking?" 

"That too, but mostly… Tired of feeling. At least feeling so many things at once. I want to… I don't know… At least end on a happier note?" 

Tsunade chuckled, "No problem. Though I didn't exactly realize we were done yet." 

Still speaking softly, he finally looked at her again, regarding the blonde with a weary look, "I am. For now. I can't process any more right now… Maybe…" He bit his lip, frowning when he found he was out of cigarettes, "Maybe tomorrow?" He looked carefully hopeful, like he thought he may be asking too much. It almost made her giggle. Kakashi asking to continue tomorrow was… Amazing. 

"Tomorrow it is. Shall we say… Hmmm… Around two? I can't really be more specific right now, but…" 

"Sounds perfect." 

"Good," She smiled at him, "And as for the happier note: I heard Naruto is on his way back to the village…" 


	76. We Should Probably Talk About This

AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you Letsrandom for giving me the inspiration to write this, and also, Kotetsu's take on Izumo's 'hot guys list'. 

Also, I sincerely apologize for Ino. Profoundly so. Please keep in mind that she is only sticking up for her friend, and teenage girls can be _beyond_ cruel. Without even trying, apparently…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 76:We Should Probably Talk About This

XOXOX

Without thinking, Kotetsu pushed Izumo away from him, almost violently so. Jumping up, he all but ran across the room, "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" 

Izumo blinked, startled.  
 _What? What did I do? I didn't –_ _ **Oh**_ _…  
_ "Tetsu… I didn't… I mean… I wasn't…" 

"Wasn't what? Wasn't going to try and kiss me? 'Cause it _sure_ as hell _seemed_ like it!" His breath came in rapid bursts, and he took a small step back, leaning against the wall. 

"I... Tetsu, I honest to _god_ don't know what just happened, I swear!" 

Kotetsu swallowed hard, his voice raspy as he whispered, "I can't deal with this, Iz… I don't care if you like guys, but… I can't deal with worrying about you trying to kiss me every time we're together. I just… _Can't_." 

"I know, I'm _sorry,_ Tetsu. I really am. I just… I _really_ don't know what just happened, and… I'm sorry…" Looking away, he wiped a tear out of his eye. 

Kotetsu sighed, relaxing just a little bit, "I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't talk about guys you like anymore, apparently that's trouble… Look, Iz, don't beat yourself up, okay? I freaked way too much…" 

"No you didn't… I mean… Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't gotten up?" Ashamed, he tugged at the couch pillows. 

The spiky-haired chuunin chuckled, "You would've put your lips on mine and, depending on my level of shock, would've either given a chaste kiss or gone tongue and all. And I'm not exactly into that, but…" He chuckled again, "Let's just keep it at 'nothing happened', alright?" 

Izumo sighed, "Alright…" He dared a quick glance up, his best friend was casually leaning against the wall, smiling at him. He swallowed.  
 _I'm not sure if I should be relieved he's not mad, or disappointed he stopped it from happening in the first place… I think it's mostly the latter, damn I'm so pathetic…  
_

"Iz?" He called softly, seeing his friend get lost in thoughts that seemed less than pleasant, "Iz, what's wrong?" 

A wry smile appeared on the brunette's face, his tone dripping with sarcasm, " _Really?_ " 

"Yes, really," A light frown on his brow, Kotetsu walked over, crouching before the couch, looking up at his best friend, "I'm not angry, okay? I'll admit you scared me a little, but… It's okay, right? _We're_ okay?" 

Izumo nodded, swallowing.  
 _This is just too hard… I have to get out of here!_  
He quickly got to his feet, feeling Kotetsu's confused look, "I should just go, Tetsu. We'll hang later, okay?" Walking away, he was suddenly stopped by a strong hand wrapping around his wrist. 

"No," Kotetsu said softly, " _Not_ okay. Don't walk away from me, Iz. _Please_ …" 

He sighed, "I shouldn't have even opened the door when you knocked, Tetsu. I wasn't ready. I'm _not_ ready for this yet. Let go of me," He tugged at his arm, but Kotetsu refused to relinquish his hold. 

"When _will_ you be ready? Tomorrow? Next week? Next year? _Never_?" 

"I don't _know_ , alright?!" 

"No, _not_ alright. You're my _best friend_ , Izumo. And maybe I'm not yours, maybe I'm the guy you've been in love with forever, I don't _care._ I can't live without you, Iz. I _know_ I can't." 

Izumo's tone was a mere whisper, barely audible, "I can't live without you too, Tetsu. But right now I can't live _with_ you either…" 

The hold on his wrist only seemed to tighten, while Kotetsu stayed quiet. He pulled again, but Kotetsu's grip only tightened again. Not looking up, Izumo used his other hand to try and pry his wrist loose, but Kotetsu wouldn't let go. Frustrated, he pushed his nails in his friend's hand, seeing if the added pain would work. It didn't. Little red half-moons decorated the back of Kotetsu's hand, the sides of his hand, his fingers. Still, the man did not let go. Izumo snarled, "Let _go_ for fuck's sake!"  
But it had no effect. Still not looking up, he yanked at his arm, but the only result was a sharp pain in his shoulder, and an even tighter grip around his wrist. He licked his lips, unsure what to do but absolutely _certain_ he didn't want to look Kotetsu in the eyes again today. Maybe never. So he resorted to whining, begging his friend to please let him go. Again, his efforts proved meaningless. Desperate, he played his last card, "Buddy, let go, I gotta pee…" 

Kotetsu chuckled, "Then I'm coming with. Because the window in the bathroom is big enough to crawl through, and you could easily escape using the balcony underneath." 

Frowning, Izumo pulled once more, "I'm _serious_ , let go!" 

" _I'm_ serious, _no_." 

"Why the hell _not_?!" 

"Because you want to _leave_ me!" 

" _Damnit_ , I'll be back, okay?!" 

" _No! Not_ okay!" 

Izumo growled, yanking at his arm once more. He was really getting sick and tired of people holding him so he couldn't go anywhere, of people treating him like he was some sort of pet – to be kept there where they bloody well _wanted_ him. The pain in his shoulder was quickly nearing excruciating, but he ignored it, only crying out when he heard a loud 'pop' and his shoulder moved in a way he was _sure_ it wasn't supposed to be able to. Sinking to his knees, he grabbed his shoulder with his free hand, moaning in pain. Kotetsu immediately moved down with him, but _still_ didn't let go. 

Astonished, he whispered, "Did you just _really_ dislocate your shoulder just to get away from me?" 

" _Fuck_ you, let _go…_ " 

Kotetsu blinked, his words coming out very slow, "Uh… No, I don't think so, buddy… I need to push it back before it gets worse…" 

Biting his lip to keep from crying, he growled at him, "Don't fucking _care_. Let _go_ of me!" 

"Either that, or I take you to the hospital, but either way, you're _not_ just leaving with a dislocated shoulder," Kotetsu's tone was strict, worry for his best friend outweighing everything else right now. 

Izumo sighed, "Fine… Pop it back…" Standing, he clenched his jaw against the pain that was sure to follow his words. 

Kotetsu swallowed, placing his free hand on Izumo's shoulder, his other scooting up until he gripped his friend's lower arm, pulling hard. Izumo cried out, panting as the joint was pulled back into its socket. Swallowing a couple times, he tried to get the pain under control. Kotetsu softly pushed him back on the couch, seemingly hesitating for a moment, "I'm gonna get you some painkillers," He held up one finger, "Don't run!" Quickly turning into the kitchen, he hurried to grab the medication and a glass of water, looking back over his shoulder every couple of seconds to see if Izumo was still on the couch. 

The brunette smiled wryly.  
 _As if I could actually_ _ **go**_ _anywhere right now… Do you even realize how much this fucking_ _ **hurts**_ _?! Ah, that's right, you do. When we were fourteen, some asshole missing-ninja that we were never supposed to encounter ripped yours out. Sensei popped it back in again. That's when we both decided we wanted to learn basic medical skills. Like how to fix a dislocated shoulder… Right now I kind of wish you'd never learned that… If you hadn't, I'd be on my way to the hospital right now, and I could've ditched you somewhere so I wouldn't have to deal with_ _ **this**_ _anymore…  
_ He sighed. 

"You okay, buddy?" Kotetsu was clearly concerned, the hand holding the glass trembling slightly, "I'm _really_ sorry, Iz. I swear I never meant to –" 

"Forget it. Just gimme that," His words came out clipped, but it was the pain more than anything else. Kotetsu understood, handing him the pill first, then the water after he'd swallowed it. After tipping back the glass, Izumo sighed again, "I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean to, I just… It hurts," He smiled weakly, "Let's just consider it payback for me almost kissing you and then attempting to flee the scene, shall we?" 

"Iz… No way that's fair. All _you_ did was startle me…" He gently sat down beside the brunette, "I _hurt_ you… _Again_. I keep hurting you…" 

"Yeah…" He chuckled humorlessly, then winced in pain, "Why do you think I said I wasn't ready for this yet…?" 

"I'm so sorry, Iz. Really, I am…" 

Sighing, he finally looked his friend in the eyes, "Forget it. Just forget it. Clean slate, okay?" 

Kotetsu swallowed thickly, nodding, "Clean slate." 

XOXOX

Neji sighed, taking a little break from training had _seemed_ like a good idea, but as Hinata disappeared to get the two of them some tea, an all too familiar pair of lavender eyes peered around the corner of the courtyard. He pretended not to see her, pulling the band out of his hair and combing his fingers through the tangled locks as he sat on the edge of the veranda. 

Hanabi slowly came closer, trying to mimic the way her sister carried herself – boys always seemed to think Hinata was cute when she moved around like this. To Hanabi, it seemed ridiculous, still… If it would catch Neji's eye… So she shuffled forward, hands folded neatly before her, head bowed down slightly as she studied her cousin through her eyelashes. 

He sighed again, "Hanabi, this isn't a good time, nor does that pose suit you." 

"I just want to please you," She straightened her back, hurrying to sit by his side. She sat down close to him, their bodies all but touching. He immediately moved to create a little more space between them. 

"I'm in the middle of training." 

"No, you're in the middle of taking a break from training," The girl pointed out, "And you're hair has gotten all tangled up, allow me to help," Pulling a hairbrush out of her sleeve, she moved to sit behind him on her knees, but he quickly stood, moving a few paces away. 

"Please leave me alone." 

"Why?" A suspicion crept up on her, and her face scrunched up in a huge frown, "Do you prefer my sister too?" 

"What? No!" Too late, Neji noticed his mistake. Only realizing how she must've taken his words as the girl moved closer to him once more. 

"Then be with me," Innocent, childish eyes looked up at him, and Neji sighed once again. 

His lips moved up in a sardonic smile, his tone harsh, "Sorry, not interested," He turned away from her, going into the house in an attempt to escape the young girls endeavor to flirt with him. Hanabi Hyuga was _really_ starting to grate on his nerves… 

XOXOX

"Iruka! Open up!" 

Startled, the brunette hurried to open the door, "Paccun!" 

Inside the apartment, Shikamaru shot up from his place under the table, muttering a few curse words as he rubbed his sore head. Iruka almost chuckled at him, but decided against it as he followed the little pug inside, "I've asked you before to please watch your language around me, Shikamaru… And that _especially_ goes for when you're in my apartment, alright?" 

"Sorry…" He shot the sensei a shy look, before turning to the dog sitting on the floor before him, "Is he alright?" 

Paccun cocked his head, waiting for Iruka to walk around the table so he could see both of them at the same time, "He says he is. Figured the two of you were probably worried so he asked me to track you down, luckily that one," He nodded to Iruka, "Is always an easy man to find," When he caught the brunette's confused look, he explained, "I have a cold. Wouldn't be able to smell you if my life depended on it," The pug seemed to want to emphasize his point, because he sneezed a couple of times, causing Shikamaru to quickly pull his legs away. 

"Hey! Don't fucking _sneeze_ on me!" 

Iruka frowned, his voice strict, "Shikamaru…!" 

"Sorry, Iruka-sensei…" 

Hiding his smile, the sensei turned back to the summon, "Thank you, Paccun. We really _were_ very worried…" 

The pug frowned, "Wait, I didn't exactly get the lay of the land when he summoned me. He didn't pull that 'Fuck it, I'm quitting this' stunt again, did he?" 

Iruka sighed, "Paccun, if _he's_ not allowed to swear, wouldn't the thought occur that that might go for _you_ as well?" 

"No. He's just a kid. I'm a talking _dog_ for heaven's sake. That's too awesome to put restrictions on my vocabulary. Well?" 

He sighed again to cover up his chuckle, "He broke down again, yes. You've actually missed a couple of them lately." 

"What? Go big or go home, sort of thing?" 

"I guess… He's being thorough this time around. Did he say if we could see him yet?" 

"He did. You're _more_ than welcome to come over. He kind of stressed that point. And now I consider this message delivered, and I shall return to my steam bath. There's a pretty Shih Tzu waiting for me," Somehow the little pug managed to give the two men the dirtiest wink either of them had ever seen before disappearing in a puff of smoke. 

Shikamaru had been quiet this whole time, but now he turned to the older man, an almost angry expression on his face, as he whispered, "Why the hell do you two act like you've had this conversation a hundred times before?" 

Iruka bit the inside of his cheek, "Because we have. Did you really think Kakashi'd managed to stay upright all these years only to conveniently collapse before your eyes? Why do you think I have a key to his apartment, Shikamaru? Why do you think the most private man in the entire village _willingly_ gave his spare key to someone else?" 

The Nara frowned, "Why did he?" 

The brunette got up, picking up the cups and placing them in the sink as he spoke, "Because he was dying. I knew he was on mandatory down-time after a mission. He was injured and recuperating at home. When he didn't show up here, I got a little worried. When he didn't open the door, I got even more worried. When he _still_ didn't open the door after almost two weeks, and no-one had seen him around, I got _really_ worried. So I kicked down the door," He turned on the hot water, rinsing out the cups, "He was laying on his bed. Couldn't remember the last time he ate, the last time he drank. Didn't care about it either. I nursed him back to life and demanded that he'd tell me if he ever felt like that again," Iruka shrugged, turning off the running water before turning back to face the young Nara, "He said he couldn't. Because he doesn't always see it coming. But the next day, he asked me to take his spare key, and that if I ever got worried again, I should just use it. That was years ago, Shikamaru. Ever since, I've held on to that key. Every time I know he's in the village, but he doesn't come to visit, I go over. Usually it's fine, and he's just tired or preoccupied. But…" He sighed, "I must've seen him like this… At least six or seven times already. Gai's helped him cope as well. We're the only ones that know, the only ones that have been allowed in. But I suppose it's only fair that you know too. If you still intent to stick with him, that is." 

"Don't be an idiot," Shikamaru swallowed hard, "I love him. I would never leave over something like that." 

Iruka crouched, bringing himself on eyelevel with the Nara still sitting on the floor, "It's not easy, Shikamaru. Granted, this is the worst one yet, but Kakashi's always had episodes of deep depression, of feeling like he'd rather just give up and die. Ever since that night in your kitchen – no, _before_ even… It's a different kind of breakdown this time around. And I think he might actually be able to recover now. From a lot more than just _this_ break. With Tsunade's help, with you and Gai and me. But I doubt he's ever going to be completely fine. He's been through way too much." 

He looked away, avoiding the intense gaze of his former sensei, "He has nightmares. He always tries to pretend he doesn't, or that it wasn't so bad, but…" 

"I know. I know which ones keep popping up, and I can sort of extrapolate which ones he's likely having at any given time. You can't do anything about that, even _if_ he'll let you comfort him, those dreams will still be torturing him almost every night." 

"Iruka-sensei… Can we just please go see him now?" He bit his lip, trying to hide the tears in his eyes by getting up. 

"Alright. But listen to me Shikamaru, I'm serious. If you feel overwhelmed, if his moods become more than you can handle, come see me. Or find Gai. Either of us is fine, I guess. But _don't_ try to solve everything yourself. There's a reason he didn't tell you this himself, there's a reason he wanted someone else to talk to _besides_ you: You're not experienced enough yet, you don't know the all the signs. Please promise me that you're not going to tackle everything on your own." 

Shikamaru nodded, but didn't say anything, instead walking to the door. 

"Shikamaru!" He called, " _Promise_ me." 

A deep sigh emanated from the Nara, "I promise, Iruka-sensei. I'll call you if I can't handle it. Now can we _please_ just _go?_ " 

XOXOX

"So, eh… Clean slate is really nice and all, but eh… Where do we go from here, Iz?" Awkwardly, Kotetsu looked his best friend. After the initial relief at Izumo's proposal had dissipated, he'd suddenly realized that, although a warm and caring gesture, it didn't really mean a whole lot if they were still feeling this awkward around each other. 

Izumo sighed softly, the painkiller he'd taken earlier really didn't do enough to help him focus on this conversation rather than the pain in his shoulder, "I dunno, Tetsu… You figure it out for once…" 

"Okaaay... How about we just ignore all the embarrassing stuff that happened _today_ and go from there?" 

Izumo almost chuckled, "Effectively leaving all the embarrassing stuff from the previous _two_ days intact…" 

"Well, yeah… I mean, you said you didn't want to go back to hiding this from me, and I'm cool with that, I really am, so…" 

"No, you're right… It's probably the best approach… But, Tetsu… Before we completely ignore all the embarrassing stuff from today… Can I add one more thing to the list?" 

A little nervous, Kotetsu nodded. 

"Those 'hot' guys I mentioned?" He awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, licking his lips nervously, "Heh, I eh… I kinda made all that up…" 

Confused, Kotetsu blinked, "Why?" 

"Because… Well, you seemed really interested and stuff but… I didn't have any names to give you, so…" 

The other man cocked his head to the side, a confused smile on his face, "I don't understand this, Iz. I mean, you've never even _looked_? Is that what you're saying?" 

A chuckle shook the brunette, his smile a little mischievous, "Oh I _looked_ , Tetsu… But there's only ever been one guy that caught my eye… Heh, I guess you probably didn't want to hear that, huh?" He looked away shyly, licking his lips. 

"No…" He chuckled lightly, "I think I'm actually a little happy about that… I mean… Iruka _may_ be a _little_ cute, if you can look past the scar, which I _can't_. But… _Ebisu?!_ I mean… I got really worried about you for a second there, buddy. I mean… If you're putting _me_ in with _those_ two, what the hell does that say about _me_ , huh? That I'm shitty-looking to say the least. Not cool, bro, _really_ not cool…" 

Izumo chuckled along, wincing in pain before he managed to calm down again, "Okay… I might've fucked up there… Heh, but… Iruka really isn't that bad-looking, you know…" He added thoughtfully. 

Kotetsu shrugged, "Go for it. He's bi, right? Hot guy like you has a more than reasonable chance the way I figure it…" 

"Hot guy like me? Heh… Kotetsu, please don't say stuff like that…" 

"Ah, right… I get it. Still, try him on for size," His eyes widened for a brief moment, "No, wait. _Don't_. Let him try _your_ size – no _way_ is my buddy taking anyone's dick up his ass," He looked thoughtful for a moment, "Right?" 

Izumo blushed bright, "Tetsu… Let's not talk about this?" He licked his lips nervously, not wanting to let on to the fact that he honestly didn't _know_. Not that the idea seemed particularly appealing, but… You never know, right? 

"Right… No more embarrassing talk, clean slate starts…" They locked their eyes together, each silently counting down from ten before exclaiming in perfect sync, " _Now!_ " 

XOXOX

As Shino left the Hyuga compound, his heart felt but a _little_ lighter. Lord Hiashi, though a strict and generally seemingly uncaring man, had taken the time to calmly explain Shino's mistakes from earlier, also helping him figure out how to correct those mistakes. Apparently, it all started with stopping to try to be perfect all the time. Shino frowned lightly, unsure of this really _was_ the correct approach. But he made his way back to the library nonetheless, deciding that bringing an apologetic gift would once again be attempting perfection, he passed the flower shop, jeweler and chocolate shop without looking, he would simply apologize and hope Sakura would accept the apology as it was. 

As he walked into the imposing building, his eyes quickly searched for the pinkette, locating her between the bookcases. He did not notice Ino standing next to her, nor did his eyes detect the annoyed look on both their faces as they caught sight of the Aburame. 

"Sakura," He spoke softly, not wanting to disturb the other people around, "I would like to talk to you." 

She scowled at him, but it was Ino who spoke up, finally alerting the boy to her presence, "Just get lost, bug-boy!" 

Hurt, he recoiled, swallowing hard at the insult he'd had to endure for most of his life. Still, this was too important to let such a thing sway him. So he tried again, "Please Sakura. Would you come with me?" 

Again, it was Ino Yamanaka who answered, her earlier shouting had already pulled most of the library goers out of their books, and now she managed to even catch the attention of those who had been completely submerged in their reading material before, "No she _won't_ you moron! Can't you see you hurt her feelings?! Just go back to playing with your filthy bugs, will you?!" 

He frowned lightly, "No, I will not. And I'll thank you not to call my Kekaichu filthy. Now, will you please keep yourself out of our conversation, Ino? I am trying to speak with my girlfriend." 

Again, she cried out, "Your _girlfriend?!_ _Your_ girlfriend?! Don't be so presumptuous, bug-boy! Sakura's free to decide whatever she wants, and –" 

" _Exactly_ ," She quickly covered her friend's mouth with her hand, "And right now I'm deciding to go and talk to Shino. Thanks for the support, Ino. But you might have taken it a bit too far…" Sakura sighed before letting go of the blonde and grabbing Shino's arm instead. She didn't lock their arms together as they were used to do, but instead dragged him by his elbow. Once out on the street, she let go, crossing her arms before her chest, "Go ahead," She said coolly. 

He swallowed, her cold attitude hurting him even more than Ino's words, "I am sorry, Sakura. I really am. I did not intent to hurt you in any way. I simply wanted to have lunch with you, but I realize that I said hurtful things to you and that I should have paid more attention to what you were actually telling me. I truly am immensely sorry," Bowing his head, he waited for the girl to reply. It seemed to take forever. 

"Why did you just walk away, Shino. I thought you were going to _follow_ me. Where is that gentleman you're always waving in my face?" Her tone still harsh, she frowned. 

"I believed it unwise to follow you, Sakura," He straightened his back once more, looking the girl in the eyes as he continued, "I left to ask advice from Hinata. As my teammate and also a girl, I believed she might be able to shed some light on my mistakes. However –" Any further words were cut off by the pinkette´s fist roughly colliding with the top of his head. 

"You _what?!_ Shino, how _dare_ you?! How dare you go to another girl _right_ after we have a little falling out?! That's just – _Argh!_ You're such an _idiot!_ " She stomped her foot on the ground, obviously enraged. 

And, just like before, Shino didn't see the warning, "You spoke to Ino, did you not? Is she not a girl also?" 

Furious, she lunged at him. Only to blink in surprise as her hand was suspended in mid-air. Looking up, she found it was held firmly in place by Genma Shiranui, a light frown on the man's face, "Young lady, I have _no_ idea what's going on here, but hitting your boyfriend isn't exactly what I call 'the right way of doing things'. " 

Blinking, she retracted her arm, mumbling an apology at the special jounin. He sighed, the senbon moving from left to right, "Don't apologize to _me_ , Sakura. You hit _him_ ," Pointing his thumb at the young Aburame, he smirked lightly. 

"Well _he_ deserved it," The girl huffed, crossing her arms once more. 

Genma sighed again, "Even so –" 

"I am sorry, Sakura. I did not mean to upset you." 

The older man blinked, Shino seemed completely unfazed by what had just transpired, and _he_ was apologizing to _her._ This was getting to be a little too weird for the brunette, and even though he wasn't one to meddle in other people's affairs, he couldn't help but wonder what had happened _before_ he got here. So he asked. 

Sakura turned to the man, an almost evil gleam in her eyes as she'd found someone else to complain to about her unreliable boyfriend. She told him the whole story, interrupting herself with exclamations about how utterly _idiotic_ Shino was all the way through. All this time, the subject of the pinkette's anger just stood there. It unnerved Genma a little, normally, the guy would protest against such slander, right? Or at least try to defend himself. But Shino did no such thing. So, when Sakura had – _finally_ – finished her account of today's trials, he turned to the Aburame, asking him the same question he had asked her, "Shino, please tell me what happened from your perspective. 

Shino's tale was a lot calmer, clearer too. But as he got to the point where he'd decided to go and ask his teammate for advice, Genma winced inwardly. As Shino elaborated on his conversation with Hiashi, the older man felt his jaw drop slightly. And when the young man explained how he'd passed each and every opportunity to buy the girl a gift to go along with his apology, he nearly groaned. Sakura, on the other hand, all but growled at the boy, her temper currently only being controlled by the special jounin's presence. Genma sighed, his teeth clattering against the senbon in his mouth as he bit down on the metal in his frustration. Young love. They always made it out to be such a romantic thing, but really, it was just two inexperienced fools trying their best not to hurt each other while only ever really looking out for themselves.  
 _I'm getting cynical here… Not exactly the best of moods to deal with these two. Maybe I should just give up now and spare myself the trouble. I could go get a drink, maybe woo a girl… Nah, not my style. Besides, foolishness aside, these two… They kind of fit together. Can't let that all go to waste over a stupid argument because of their stupid insecurities. His insecurities at least. Her… I'm not so sure about…  
_

"Alright… So _you_ ," He nodded at Shino, "Apologized. And _you_ ," His eyes drifted to the fuming girl, "Are still yelling at him," Genma sighed, "Either decide to forgive him, or decide not to forgive him, but _please_ girl, stop this senseless boyfriend-bashing because really… It's tiresome, done before, and completely useless. He's aware that he messed up, and in all honesty, so did you. So just…" He smirked, "Can we just kiss and make up here?" 

Out of nowhere, Sakura chuckled. Shino soon smiled along and for some reason, Genma felt like a fool for ever intervening in the first place, his tone a little annoyed, "What?" 

"Genma," She gave him a cheeky smile, "Are you sure you're not just trying to get us to kiss so you can watch?" 

He frowned, "I am _not_ your sensei, Sakura. I'm not exactly known for my perversion…" 

"No, but when was the last time Genma Shiranui had a girlfriend?" She gently nudged him in the ribs and suddenly, the older man understood. 

"So you've been listening to Iwashi, haven't you? Not that it's any of your business, but I'll have you know I took someone on a date last week. Now can we get back to..." He gestured to the two chuunin, " _This_?" 

But Sakura didn't seem inclined to let it go just yet, "What was her name?" She teased. 

Genma sighed again, biting down on the senbon hard enough to hurt himself. Wincing slightly, he frowned at the girl, "None of your business. Unlike _some_ , I don't kiss and tell." 

"Genma –" 

"No. You may be Lady Hokage's charge, but I will not stand for such familiarities from a _teenager_ ," His tone was harsh, an attempt to hide his embarrassment, "I only came over because you were _hitting_ the guy. But if you don't want my help, that's just fine. I have other things to do anyway," He turned away, calling over his shoulder to the young Aburame, "Like deciding on a _present_ for my date," Waving at the two, Genma walked away.  
 _Okay, note to self;_ _ **Never**_ _get involved with those to again.  
_

After the man had left, Sakura turned to Shino. The boy hadn't moved since the last time he spoke, regarding her with a stoic look on his face, "Shino…" She sighed, "Apology accepted, okay? And I'm sorry too. I'm just a little overworked right now." 

"I understand, Sakura. If you feel our relationship is a burden –" He never got any further, as the girl launched herself at him, hugging him tight. 

" _No_ Shino! You're not a burden at all! I just need to work out how I can both keep up with my studies and spent time with you," Pulling back a little, she smiled at him, "How about this; Three days of study, and then a full day with just the two of us?" 

He smiled back at her, "That sounds like a good plan to me, Sakura. Although I do feel really bad about today, would it be possible to take you out to dinner tonight before this new arrangement goes in effect?" 

She smiled wide, "Only if you bring me something!" 


	77. He Is So Loud

AUTHORS NOTE: So, everyone who actually reads my author´s notes… You all remember how happy I was that I found a Beta, right? You should, I was jumping up and down for sheer joy. Anyway, unfortunately, the last I don't know how many chapters have been Beta-less. This because Cherry could no longer find the time to help me with this. Which is sad, yes, but that's life I suppose. So I just want to thank her one more time for her amazing work, and for showing me a couple of mistakes that I didn't realize I made. I will always be grateful for that. 

_But_ , there is actually another point to this very long A/N. Namely, I have found another Beta! Or, honestly, she found me. Which is great. Honestly. So let's all put together our hands for Mswan0117! And thank her on our knees. I know I am. This is the first of the chapters that has gone through her Beta – although I think she didn't even change anything? I dunno, I'm just incredibly happy to have another set of eyes. You should too. It can only improve, right? 

And since this is a huge A/N already, I figured I might as well take the time to say a few more things.  
Like how incredibly happy I am to see the sheer amount of people reading this story. I hope you're all enjoying this, even though I'd honestly love to hear what you think. Still, I'm just happy to see that you're all sticking with me. I know I can be a tease with my cliffhangers, I know that my English and my writing aren't up to par with some of the amazing works I've found on this site. Still, you stick around, check for updates. I love that. I really do. Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedules to keep checking back here. Please take a few more minutes to tell me how you feel about it – that would totally make my day! 

I still have yet to receive a request for a side note though, is that because I'm so thorough in my writing that you folks have nothing left to request? Or do you fear I might bite your head off? I assure you, I won't. I'm always very happy to find a mail or a review. I love that there is a way to actually connect to one another. So please, don't feel like you can't, okay? ^.^ 

I'll stop talking now, this A/N has gotten long enough already. We're going back to Kakashi, Shikamaru and Iruka. Get out the earplugs, folks!  
(Also, a _little_ touch of creative swearing for everyone's enjoyment ^.^  
If you've got the mind-set and think there's a creative swearword that I haven't used yet, but I _should_ , please let me know ^.~)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 77: He Is So Loud

XOXOX

As the lock turned, Kakashi sighed in relief. Tsunade hadn't wanted to leave him alone, so she was still here, sitting on the chair. In complete silence. Okay, to be fair, that last part was his own damned fault and he knew it. Every time the woman spoke up, he'd silenced her with an annoyed look, hoping she would take the hint and just leave. But she'd stayed. Annoying.  
 _What the hell did Paccun do? Go for barbeque on the way over? No matter, he's here. Ah, wait… They're_ _ **both**_ _here…  
_

Tsunade had also looked up at the sound of the door, Kakashi's soft sigh hadn't escaped her, but honestly, she felt the same. Even though the man was in no condition to be left alone right now, the blonde was immensely grateful that it was no longer _her_ responsibility for now. She'd tried to keep a light conversation going, asking him if he was as stoked about Naruto's impending return as she was, but he'd only given her a look that spelled all sorts of trouble were she to keep talking about it. So she'd figured he wasn't too sure of his feelings regarding Naruto yet. After all, a _lot_ had happened since the brat had left the village to go and train with Jiraiya, and maybe Kakashi just wasn't ready to deal with that yet. So she'd talked about that new restaurant that they'd spoken of earlier as well, but this time his eye shot a couple of daggers, so she fell quiet once more. After a few more failed attempts like these, Tsunade had simply given up, waiting quietly for Iruka to show up. But now it seemed the Nara brat was here as well. Of course. Kakashi and Shikamaru stuck to each other like glue. It was getting more than a little worrying.  
 _He knows the brat is fifteen, right?  
_

He looked up as his best friend and his boyfriend appeared in the doorway. Iruka immediately moved in, sitting down next to him while Shikamaru hesitated. He regarded the young Nara with a weary look, "I'm alright, guys…" 

Shikamaru swallowed, Kakashi sure didn't _look_ alright. He'd clearly been chain-smoking and he looked tired and defeated. The young man bit his lip, his eyes darting over to the blonde still sitting on the desk chair.  
 _ **Leave**_ _, you bloody woman! Stupid trout-faced tit pirate! Leave us alone so I can_ _ **touch**_ _him!  
_ His hands were twitching inside his pockets, but the mask of boredom was securely in place. Or so he tried to convince himself at least. 

Iruka realized the young man's position probably better than anyone else in the room, glancing at the Hokage from under his eyelashes.  
 _Really glad you helped my friend out, but it would be very much appreciated if you were to leave now… Shikamaru's about to burst and I can't exactly say I blame him…  
_

Kakashi sighed, "Tsunade… They're here now. You can go. So _please_ just _go_ …" His gaze settled on his boyfriend for a few seconds before darting over to Iruka, holding chocolate eyes captive for another couple of seconds. He then looked at the blonde again, "I'll be fine." 

She bit down on the nail of her thumb, addressing what would hopefully be the more responsible of the two, "Iruka, I'm glad you're here." 

"Sure," He frowned lightly.  
 _What the hell does she think? Of course I'm here. He's my best friend! I've been here all along, way before_ _ **she**_ _even returned to the village…_

Ignoring his frown she continued, "I need you to promise me something, Iruka."  
By the door, Shikamaru snorted, a cynical look on his face. Tsunade decided to ignore that too. 

Iruka's frown deepened, "What is it?" 

"I need you to promise me that you won't leave him alone just yet. He may not be the best company right now, but –" 

"Don't be _stupid_ , woman," A scowl on his face, Shikamaru pushed off the wall, " _We're_ the ones that actually _care_ about him. Just shut up and _leave_." 

Taking a deep breath, Tsunade resigned to ignore the Nara's outburst as well, "Iruka –" 

"I promise," Biting his cheek to keep from smiling, he looked her in the eyes. Hoping that it would be enough to make her leave. 

"Dude, _seriously_?" Shikamaru looked incredulous, slumping back against the wall. 

As being one of the two people that fully understood the Nara's implications, Iruka couldn't help but chuckle. Of course _Shikamaru_ wouldn't leave Kakashi alone. He was in love with the man after all. _He_ had been here all this time. While _Iruka_ , would go home again at some point. Probably. 

Kakashi too bit back a small smile, hiding it by choosing another cigarette as the woman huffed, " _Yes,_ Shikamaru, _seriously._ I know you've been staying here for a while, but that pretty much means _jack_ to me right now. I'm asking the one that I feel I can actually _rely_ on for once. Because you always seem to get tangled up in _his_ problems anyway. I need someone with a level head, Shikamaru. And let's face it, that's not you." 

"Tsch!" He scoffed, turning his head away and crossing his arms before his chest. But once again, Tsunade ignored the teenager. Nodding at Iruka, she got up to leave – not missing the slight slumping of Kakashi's shoulders as the tension left his body. She sighed softly, turning for the door. In passing, she rested her hand on Shikamaru's shoulder for a second, "I'm not disregarding everything you've done for him, Shikamaru. But right now, I really feel like you probably shouldn't be here. Go home, rest up for a few days. _Please_ ," She gave him a warm smile and a comforting squeeze on his shoulder, but he ignored her. So she just sighed again, leaving the bedroom. Iruka followed her out.  
 _Brat's probably trying to make sure I actually leave… Don't worry, Iruka. I_ _ **really**_ _don't want to spend any more time here today…  
_

After Tsunade'd left, Shikamaru all but jumped his boyfriend. Sitting on his knees, straddling the older man, he hugged him tight. 

"Shikamaru, I'm okay, I promise." 

"Uhuh… You scared me…" 

He crushed his bud, setting the ashtray aside. Wrapping his arms around the Nara, Kakashi apologized. 

"No, it's okay. It's not your fault. I just… I need to feel you…" After a while, he leaned back a little, cupping the silver-haired man's face in his hands, he studied him intently, "She drugged you again." 

"No. I asked for it. And it's only a very mild sedative, that's already wearing off." 

"So you're…" 

He smiled, "I'm me, Cuteness –" A quick look at Iruka, standing in the doorway, "Eh…" 

"It's fine, Iruka-sensei's cool, I guess. But… You're really a hundred percent with me?" 

"I am, Shikamaru." 

"Good…" Tanned fingers curled around the edge of the mask as dark eyes shot over at the man standing but a few feet away. 

He almost laughed, "It's okay, Shikamaru. I don't mind if Iruka sees." 

But Iruka chuckled, "Actually Kakashi… It's not about you. It's fine Shikamaru, I'll give you some privacy," He turned away, walking over to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. 

Kakashi blinked, but the moment the brunette turned away, the mask was ripped down and lips crashed against his own. Shikamaru kissed him feverishly, accidentally pushing the older man back on the bed. 

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't –" 

Kakashi smiled, "It's okay Cuteness, I'm not that fragile," He pulled the young man even tighter against his own body, kissing him again. 

Eventually though, they had to break for air, and Shikamaru rested his head in the crook of Kakashi's neck, "So…" The older man panted, "Does… That mean that… You're not comfortable… If Iruka sees –" 

"Not yet. He knows." 

"Hmmm? So you talked, then?" 

"Uhuh…" Hands wandered under Kakashi's shirt, in a direct line to his nipples. 

"Cuteness, please… If you – _Ah_ – please, I can't. If we're not –" 

"I need to _feel_ you Kakashi, please…" His tone dropped to a whisper, "I… I need to feel you inside me…" 

He sighed quietly, lifting his boyfriend's head a little, "Did you talk about that too?" 

"No," A soft voice drifted over from the hallway, a light chuckle in Iruka's tone, "But it's okay. I'll just be… Outside," The front door opened and closed. 

Kakashi looked at his boyfriend, the Nara was bright-red and he couldn't keep the smile out of his voice, "I assume that wasn't planned?" 

"No… But…" Dark eyes searched his face, "I didn't realize I was gonna feel like this. But… If Iruka-sensei's okay with it… _Please_ Kakashi, I _need_ to feel you…" 

Kakashi didn't say a word. Pushing himself up, he pushed Shikamaru down, his head on the pillow. The older man straddled him, hungrily kissing his boyfriend's lips, mumbling against them, "I need you too." 

He quickly pulled away his lover's pants, followed by his own. Shikamaru lifted his legs, holding on to his shins, opening himself up for his lover with a desperate need on his face. 

Kakashi swallowed, "Baby… I… I didn't want to right now, because… I…" 

But the Nara realized what he meant, even if Kakashi couldn't bring himself to say it aloud, "Then _don't_ be gentle. _Please_ Kakashi, let me _feel you._ " 

He swallowed again, grabbing the bottle of lube from under the pillow with one hand while the other already teased around his lover's entrance, "Tell me if I go too fast okay, please?" He watched the younger man nod, eyes lidded with lust. Kakashi was already panting, his fingers working quickly. 

" _Ah_ … Oh god… _Yes_ … Oh _god,_ Kakashi… Please… Let… I want to feel you… _Please_ … Oh god…" 

He couldn't help a smile –his lover was _so_ loud! "Almost Cuteness. I want to, too. Almost. If I go any faster it'll hurt too much… Almost," But he couldn't really wait anymore either, lathering himself up while his other hand was still working inside the Nara. 

"Don't fucking _care_ if it hurts… Ah, just… _Do_ it!" 

He swallowed, unable to hold back any longer. Shikamaru was writhing under him, moaning, panting, _begging_. And right now, Kakashi needed this just as much as his lover did. So he repositioned himself slightly, looking into the eyes he loved so much as he thrust himself in. Trying his utmost to keep his movement slow and steady, he studied the Nara's face for signs of pain. There were some, but there was also Shikamaru's huge grin. Suddenly, the younger man's legs wrapped around him, pulling him in faster. 

"Good god! _Yes_ … _Ah,_ Kakashi!... Mmm… _Fuck_ , you feel so _good_ …" 

He smiled, "You ready?" 

Arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him tight against his lover's chest for a brief moment, "Take me, Kakashi. Fuck me so hard I'm gonna split in two." 

"Hmmm?" A light chuckle escaped him, "You're a dirty talker, huh? Very well then –" Pulling back out, he thrust in – _Hard._

" _Ah!_ Oh god – _Oh god –_ _ **Oh god**_ _! Fuck,_ fuck, Kakashi! _Damn_ …" Shikamaru smiled wide, mumbling, "Do that again…" 

For a second, Kakashi's eyebrows shot up. This was only Shikamaru's second time, right? But then… _How_? "You sure?" 

Out of nowhere, the young man swallowed, looking insecure. His tone quiet as he asked, "You don't want to?" 

"Cuteness… I _want_ to, but only if you want me to. I don't –" 

"Then _fuck_ me, Kakashi! _Now!"_

Just like the first time he'd been inside the Nara, the young man ordered him to move. And just like that time, Kakashi could not resist the command. So he did as told, pulling out and forcefully thrusting back in. 

"Ah… Oh _god_ … Kakashi!... _Damn_ , right there, _oh god_ … _Fuck_ … Ka- _Ah_ … _Oh_ _ **god**_!" 

Tears sprung into the younger man's eyes, but his legs kept pulling him in and he kept egging him on to go harder, _faster._

Swallowing at the sight of his lover's tears, Kakashi wondered if he wasn't hurting him too much, but Shikamaru's answer came almost immediately, "You feel so good… Please… Oh god… _Harder_ … Kakashi please… _So_ good… _Ah,_ _ **FUCK**_ _!"_ The body under him shook violently as his lover's eyes fell closed, one unarticulated obscenity after another falling off the Nara's lips before, " _ **KAKASHIIII!**_ " 

And just like the times before, Shikamaru's voice crying out his name pushed the older man over the edge, collapsing atop his lover. 

When he opened his eye again, Shikamaru was clutching to him, holding him as tight as he possibly could, "Babe I love you, don't ever leave me, please don't ever go… I love you, Kakashi. I love you. Please stay with me, I love you so much…" 

"I'm not going anywhere, Cuteness. I love you too," But the younger man kept mumbling on and on until, a few minutes later, his eyes fell closed and his breathing evened out. Slowly, the Nara's arms released their death grip and as Kakashi untangled himself, he winced slightly.  
 _Well, I'm going to have some bruises… He's not going to be able to walk tomorrow, is he?  
_ He sighed. 

_Damnit, I let myself slip! I should've been more careful – No wait._ _ **He's**_ _the one that kept pushing… I… I_ _ **was**_ _careful… Rough, but still… You know what? I'm not going to beat myself up over it now. I'll talk to him when he wakes up,_ _ **then**_ _we'll see… This time, I'm not going to freak out before I know the whole story…  
_

He slowly got up, after all, Iruka was probably still here.  
 _And if he is, he heard… Oh boy. Damn, I'm sore…  
_

XOXOX 

Izumo took a deep breath, laying back on his bed.  
 _We're fine again. We're friends again. He's not disgusted with me, not even after I almost_ _ **kissed**_ _him…  
Even if it's maybe still a little awkward at times, we're friends again. I can talk to Tetsu about __**anything**_ _again. No… Actually… This is the first time I've_ _ **ever**_ _been able to talk to Kotetsu about anything, about everything. That's just… Amazing. I'm so happy! Even if we maybe have a little difference of opinion on a few selected subjects…  
_ The brunette smiled wryly. 

_Not that it really matters… I mean, he might still be disgusted with thinking about me in_ _ **that**_ _way, but… He still urged me to 'go for it', right? To go for Iruka… Not that I really want to, but still… Tetsu doesn't think Iruka's all that hot, even though_ _ **I**_ _sure see it. Iruka… Would I even have a shot? If I actually wanted to try, that is? I don't know… I've only ever thought about Tetsu before… Even calling Iruka's name when he asked me what guys I like… That was just a name that came to mind, right? 'Cause I only just saw the guy? But then… When I started to_ _ **think**_ _about it… He really_ _ **is**_ _kinda hot… Would he… I mean… Could I… I can't… Jerk off to Tetsu anymore… What if he ever hears me again… So… Iruka? Would that work? He_ _ **is**_ _hot…  
_

Absent-mindedly, his hands opened the button and zipper on his pants, sliding them down without further thought. Recalling Iruka's soft smile, he held the image in his mind.  
 _Yeah… Okay, that's workin'… Damn, that guy's_ _ **smokin**_ _' actually…_

XOXOX

Iruka looked up as his silver-haired friend opened the front door. Closing it behind him, Kakashi moved to rest his forearms on the railing, calmly lighting a cigarette as he watched the going-ons on the street below. 

"Shikamaru?" 

"He's…" A soft smile, "He fell asleep." 

Iruka swallowed, "Ah… Well, he must be tired…" 

"Yeah." 

A silence fell between the two friends. Kakashi calmly smoked while Iruka tried to find the words he was looking for. Eventually, the brunette settled on, "He, eh… He's pretty loud…" 

The silver-haired man chuckled, "Yep. I guess I'm lucky I don't have too many neighbors." 

"Yeah… I'll say…" 

"Iruka," Another light chuckle escaped the older man, "It… It doesn't bother you, does it?" His tone was serious, even if his gaze was still dwelling on the street below. 

"That you two have sex? I… No, it doesn't bother me. Although I must admit that… I might be a little jealous…" 

"I get that… After all, you're ten years older than he is and you've never… But eh, actually… I kinda meant you being out here while we… You know," He shrugged a little uncomfortably, "And… Well, I mean… He's _really_ loud…" 

Iruka chuckled, "That, he is. Hmm… Look, I don't mind giving you two a little privacy for that, so long as it's, you know, not _too_ often, but… He was really upset, Kakashi. I may have even been more worried about _him_ than I was about you, and… Well, if he needed to, eh… _Feel_ you… I guess I'm okay with that. Although if that ever happens again I'm not sticking around to _hear_ it…" 

He watched his friend laugh, completely relaxed again, "I hear ya, I wouldn't want to either if I was in your shoes. And…" He turned serious again, lifting his gaze to face his best friend, "Listen Iruka, _I_ don't mind, but… Please don't ever tell Shikamaru that you heard him, he's eh…" 

"Don't worry, that would be too uncomfortable for the _both_ of us, _trust_ me," Iruka chuckled, softly shaking his head. 

Kakashi nodded, leaning back against the railing, "You're an amazing friend, Iruka. Right now, you make both Shikamaru and me very happy just by being around, by being _you_. And I know that someday you'll find someone special and make _them_ even happier. Just like they'll make you happy." 

The brunette swallowed, "Thank you…" 

A little shrug, "It's just a fact, my friend." 

"Still… You make me happy too. And I feel honored that you two trust me enough to, eh –" 

"Fuck with you only a few feet away?" Kakashi chuckled. 

"I was _going_ to say, 'tell me about your relationship'…" 

"Yeah… Well, you're probably the most trustworthy person I've ever met, so…" 

"Hmmm? Have you looked in a mirror lately?" 

"Better not," Kakashi chuckled, "I'm sure I look like hell…" 

"Kakashi, that's not what I meant…" 

Another chuckle, "You're not calling _me_ trustworthy, are you?" 

"I am, you are. I wouldn't have come to you if you weren't." 

The silver-haired man looked up, smiling, "Likewise, my friend. Likewise."


	78. Friends Matter

AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah… I would like to take the time to sincerely apologize for Kotetsu. I am not one to want to put down anyone in the LGBT community – dude, I'm _part_ of that. Still… Apparently this story calls for derogatory names a lot. In a way, I have fun looking them up, like with the creative swearing. But _unlike_ with the creative swearing, I have to take small breaks. Just to get my own act together again. Kinda pathetic, eh? I'm just a very empathetic person, so deal with it. Anyway, if your best friend reacts the way Kotetsu did… There's probably some thought-process going on that you weren't aware of, right? Right. Or maybe you _were_ aware, but didn't want to dwell on the thought. I dunno, either way… Kotetsu has a long way to go, no? 

Dang, I finally get Asuma back on track and see what happens? I dunno, maybe I just kind of like the whole bash the gay-basher angle a little too much ;)

Thank you again Mswan0117 for your more than amazing Beta! You make me happy ^.^

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 78: Friends Matter

 _There has to be a way… A way to show him I meant what I said…That I'm_ _ **not**_ _just spewing empty words, that I want him to be my friend again. I honestly never saw that I was hurting him. But now I wonder how I could've ever_ _ **missed**_ _it… Maybe Kakashi was right, maybe I'm some sort of monster…  
_ Asuma Sarutobi sighed heavily, his body slouched on his couch. His apartment was _still_ a mess – there was so much going on that it was impossible for the man to focus on something as unimportant as interior decorating. 

_I've been the worst kind of friend one can imagine, haven't I? All these years… How could I not_ _ **see**_ _it? I've always thought of Kakashi as being one of my closest friends, and now it turns out that was all… A lie, really. '_ _ **Some**_ _days I even manage to consider you a friend. But_ _ **every**_ _time I do, you go and say something so hurtful that I wish I could crawl into a little hole and never come back out.' I am_ _ **so**_ _sorry, Kakashi. I am_ _ **so**_ _fucking_ _ **sorry**_ _. I should've realized years ago. I should've never even started calling you names like that in the first place. I'm so sorry!  
_

Quietly crying, he hunched his body over. His sobs grew more and more desperate and before long, the bearded man was wailing loudly.  
 _I am_ _ **so**_ _damned_ _ **sorry**_ _!  
_

XOXOX

 _Kakashi was right of course… Going into a bar just to pick up a guy is… Well,_ _ **wrong.**_ _It's not even anything_ _ **like**_ _me! How did I ever get so desperate? Oh right… I'm the guy that's always the third wheel, the one that's only good enough when you need someone to complain to…  
_ Iruka sighed, dropping himself on the pillows surrounding his table. He slumped over the table, resting his chin on his arms. 

_Suppose I always will be, huh? Everyone likes me, just no-one_ _ **like**_ _likes me… If only I knew why…  
Even Shikamaru has a boyfriend. The laziest guy in the entire fucking village has a relationship, and here I am, still running around taking care of fucking __**everybody**_ _– and still nothing.  
_ He sighed again. 

_I'm lonely… Now that Kakashi has Shikamaru I hardly spent any time with him anymore. Not like we used to, anyway. Even when they were 'friends', although I kind of doubt_ _ **that**_ _lasted long… But they're always together nowadays – and_ _ **I'm**_ _always alone… That's not fair, though, plenty of other people to hang out with… I just don't_ _ **want**_ _to. I want my best friend back… Is that selfish of me? I think it's selfish of me. Not fair at least. For probably the first time in his life, Kakashi is_ _ **happy**_ _. Well – sort of. He's still as unstable as ever, and he worries way too much about his relationship, but… He laughs so much more now. And he sounds sincere every time he does. Not like before… Yeah, I'm just being selfish.  
_

Getting up, he walked over to the bookcase.  
 _Might as well start preparing tomorrow's lesson… Let's see, if I start the tale of the Sannin? That would at least keep my head occupied a little. It's kind of complicated to explain to eight-year-olds, so I need to focus on that. Which means less moping around. Win-win, right? Wrong. No way I can even focus on fixing dinner right now, let alone work…  
_

Smiling wryly, he put the book back in the bookcase.  
 _Besides, I know the whole thing by heart anyway… I need a real distraction. Soon. Before I lose my mind.  
_

XOXOX

"Shizune, where are those files on the new ANBU recruits?" 

"Eh, hang on Milady, I've got them here somewhere…" Frantically looking through the stack of files in her arms, the raven-haired woman flushed.  
 _I'm slipping up! This is bad. Milady is really busy and I just have to make sure she doesn't get any more work on her desk but all I do is make her wait! I know what I'm supposed to be doing, there just never seem to be enough hours in a day to get everything_ _ **done**_ _!_

In her haste, Shizune went too fast, dropping the stack on the floor, " _Damnit!_ I'm so sorry, Milady. I'll clean it up right away!" Dropping to her knees, she quickly gathered the files again, finding the one she'd been looking for with a relieved sigh, "Here it is." 

Tsunade raised her eyebrows, accepting the file but simply putting it down on the desk as she watched her friend hurry to restack the files and stand back up, "Shizune… When was the last time you actually had a good night's sleep?" 

"Eh… I'm fine, Milady," She swallowed.  
 _See? I'm being a burden on her. I'm supposed to pick up her slack now that Lady Tsunade is busy with getting Kakashi back on track, and all I'm really doing is making things worse…  
_ Biting back tears, the younger woman bowed her head, offering to get some tea. 

"No, put the files down for a moment Shizune, and tell me what's going on," Worried, she looked up at her best friend. Shizune was pale with bags under her eyes. Her limbs shaking no matter how hard she tried to stand still, "Here," She got up, "Sit down. _I'm_ going to get us some tea. You just relax for a little bit, alright?" 

Shizune nodded solemnly.  
 _See? I'm a burden…_

XOXOX

He took a deep breath, raising his hand to knock on the door. But he lost his nerve, dropping his hand again. Sighing, he realized this had to at least be the _fifth_ time he'd chickened out already. He'd been here yesterday too, and the day before… Iruka's neighbors were starting to give him weird looks. Though that _could_ just be because the rumors about the 'Gate-scene' still hadn't died down yet. Izumo sighed.  
 _I'm a coward… A stupid coward. I'm here morning, afternoon and night, and I_ _ **never**_ _dare to just knock on that damned door! What the hell do I think he's going to do to me? Worst I could possibly get is 'Scram, I don't want to talk to you' right? Though… That_ _ **would**_ _hurt. A lot. Damnit, you know what? I'm knocking,_ _ **right now**_ _!_

XOXOX

 _Really? That's how it works? I pray for a distraction and someone knocks on the door? Awesome!  
_ Quickly, Iruka got to his feet, almost skipping as he went to open the door. 

_Maybe it's Kakashi! No, that would probably be hoping for too much. Gosh, I seriously hope it's not Sakura again. Although even_ _ **she**_ _would be a good distraction right now. Embarrassing, but thorough, right? Alright, let's see who's there…  
_

"Izumo? Hey, come on in!" Happily stepping aside, Iruka tried to ignore the older man's obvious trepidation.  
 _Of course he's nervous, right? Don't read anything into it. Just be happy he's come to distract you!  
_

As he crossed the threshold, Izumo briefly wondered why the younger man seemed so incredibly happy to see him, but he quickly pushed the thought aside.  
 _Probably my imagination. He looks cute like this, though… Wait! Stop that! No more calling Iruka cute, or hot, or smokin', okay? That's just… Wrong. Like jerking off to him is wrong. Pretty damn good – but very,_ _ **very**_ _wrong.  
_

"You want something to drink?" 

"Eh… Sure…"  
 _I'm not imagining this, am I? He's really… Cheery…  
_ "So, eh… What's up?" 

"Huh?" Iruka stopped dead in his tracks, "What do you mean?"  
 _Did he catch on to my depression-thingy? Please god, no! I just want some good stuff to happen for once, is that really too much to ask?  
_

"Just…" Leaving his sandals at the door, the man vaguely gestured towards Iruka, "You're all bouncy…" 

"Eh… Right," He smiled self-consciously, "Don't mind me…" 

"I don't _mind_ , not at all. I was just wondering what had you in such high spirits, I guess… " 

"Oh… I see…" Hesitating, he pointed towards the fridge, "You want tea or something else?" 

"Whatcha got?" Smiling a little, he walked over. 

"Eh…" He peered into the fridge.  
 _Leftover take-out ramen, leftover take-out curry, more leftover take-out ramen… God I'm pathetic…  
_ "Let's see… Orange juice, soda… What's this?" He took a bottle out, smelling it, "Oh god, ugh!" Pulling a face, he dropped the has-been milk into the trashcan, "Well, I'm going to have to buy milk, I suppose… Eh… What else?" 

Izumo chuckled, secretly glancing over the younger man's shoulder.  
 _Takeout, takeout, takeout… Wow…Doesn't this guy ever_ _ **cook**_ _?  
_ "OJ sounds great," He hid his smile by sitting down at the table, "If it's still good, that is…" 

"Good point…" Carefully opening the bottle, Iruka sighed in relief, "Seems fine…" 

"Right… Well, just so you know, if I get food poisoning, I'm blaming you," Winking, he chuckled. 

"Go right ahead, no-one's going to believe you anyway," Iruka chuckled too, "Well, maybe Kakashi will, but… " He shrugged, "Whatever." 

"What do you mean, 'no-one's gonna believe me'?" Taken aback, Izumo blinked up at the sensei. 

"Because everyone always assumes that I'm perfect," He smiled angelically, "And they're _completely_ correct, of course." 

"Ah… Of course…" He smiled, softly shaking his head. 

As Iruka settled down across from him – adding two glasses of orange juice to the table – he smiled softly, "So, to what do I actually owe the pleasure of this visit?" 

"Heh…" He swallowed, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head, "I dunno, really… I guess…" 

Iruka's smile widened a little, "You just wanted to chat, huh?" 

"Yeah… I mean, if you're busy –" 

"I'm not," He wiggled his head a little, "I probably _should_ be, but I don't feel like working, so…" He shrugged, "I'm not." 

"Aren't you gonna make a fool of yourself in front of the class if you don't have anything prepared?" Izumo sounded a little worried. 

"Nah, I'll wing it. No worries. I've been doing this for a while, you know," He winked, taking a sip of orange juice, "See? It's fine. Just because my milk went bad doesn't mean _everything_ did…" 

"Uhuh… And all that takeout is just there in case you get midnight cravings, right?" A little sarcastic, he cocked his head to the side. 

"Aw! No fair!" But Iruka smiled wide, "Besides, don't tell me _you_ never get takeout..." 

"Actually…" Izumo thoughtfully looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, "Only if Tetsu insists…" 

Ignoring that last statement, Iruka decided he'd better change the subject. He wanted _happy_ times, not having to comfort this guy _again_ , "Anyway, the kids never noticed my lack of preparation before, so why would they start _now_ of all times? The only one that ever noticed anything was Shikamaru Nara, but he was too lazy to even point it out, so…" 

"That's right, you had them in your class, right?" 

"Yes…? Why?" 

"I dunno, I was just wondering what it's like to have to handle that knucklehead Naruto day in day out. I'm sure feeling sorry for Jiraiya, you know?" He chuckled, "Gotta be tough, that kid. He was always causing trouble –" 

Iruka frowned, interrupting the older man, "Please don't talk about Naruto like that… He had his reasons, you know. How would _you_ feel if the entire village ostracized you and you didn't even know _why_? Besides, he's more than cleaned up his act since. And he's like a little brother to me, so please…" He sighed softly, Naruto was always a touchy subject for the sensei. 

"I'm sorry… I didn't know. You're right though, he totally cleaned up his act," Not sure what else to say, Izumo fell quiet for a little while, sipping his orange juice. 

"You know… Just because I don't like it when people bash Naruto like that doesn't mean you're expected to just sit there quietly…" Iruka almost chuckled as Izumo's head shot up. 

"Sorry… I guess I kinda spaced out there… Heh," Rubbing the back of his head, he gave the younger man a self-conscious smile. 

"It's okay… I'm just happy for the distraction, honestly. I was…" A sad smile graced the sensei's lips, "I was getting a little down, I suppose. That's why I was so happy when you showed up…" 

Concerned, Izumo regarded the man before him, "What's wrong?" 

"I don't really know, actually… I just… I guess I figured that even though I, you know," He shrugged uncomfortably, "I mean, there's no-one special, you know? All I really have is a few friends, and they're mostly busy all the time, so…" 

Izumo perked up, "I'm not! Well, I _do_ have gate duty and stuff, but…" 

Iruka's smile turned a little happier, a little wider, "Yeah, well, I have the kids, right?" 

"Right. And at least we… Eh… _Know_ about each other, so… _Heh_ …" Embarrassed he hid behind his glass. 

"True," The younger man smiled softly, "I'm kind of happy about that…" 

XOXOX

The blonde handed one of the cups to the tired woman in the chair, sitting down on the edge of the desk beside her friend, "Now, will you please tell me what's wrong, Shizune?" 

Wide-eyed, she looked up at the older woman, hurrying to reassure her, "Nothing's wrong Milady, I promise! I'm just a little tired, is all…" She tried a smile, but it came out rather weakly. 

"Exhausted, you mean," Tsunade pointed out, "Shizune… You're getting _overworked_. And I'm a horrible friend for not noticing sooner." 

Another tired smile drifted up, "I'm fine, Milady. Really. Just a little tired. I'll go to bed early today. It'll be fine." 

"No, it won't. Why didn't you tell me you were stressed out, Shizune? Don't you realize that I care about you?" 

"I care about you too, that's why…" Her voice trailed off, and the raven-haired woman looked away. 

Tsunade blinked, realization dawning, "You thought that I was so busy with my other commitments that you needed to pick up my slack at the office, didn't you?" 

She only nodded softly, looking out the window. 

"Shizune… Why didn't you _say_ something?" 

"Because you have other things to worry about, more important things…" 

"No!" Getting up, Tsunade placed herself in her best friend's line of sight, " _Nothing_ is more important to me than you. And Tonton. And maybe Konoha. And – Whatever, Shizune, I _care_ about you! And if you're getting overwhelmed, I need you to _tell_ me. I don't want you to collapse just because I wasn't paying attention, that's just… _Please_ just tell me, okay?" 

"Alright…" She gave her friend a quaky smile, "I think I might be getting a little overwhelmed, Milady." 

"Right. So. We're gonna… We can… Eh…" 

"We can't really do anything about it. You need to be with Kakashi on a regular basis, and I can't delegate this work to anyone else, so," She shrugged, "It's really no use telling you I'm getting in over my head, because there isn't a solution." 

"Sure there is," Tsunade frowned, "We just have to _find_ it. First order of business, the chuunin exams. I'm taking that off your hands. I think I know the perfect person to stick it on. And then… ANBU, we can let all ANBU communication go through Shikaku. He knows why I can't be here all the time and he has the clearance, so… Besides, it may take his mind off a couple of other things as well," She bit down on the nail of her her thumb, "What else?" 

"Eh… Citizen's complaints?" 

"Genma. He's good with people, and it's high time he got off his lazy ass and started doing some _work_ around here. Raidou can help him out," She beamed at the younger woman. But Shizune obviously had some issues with the plan. 

"You can't reassign your _guards_ to take care of the _paperwork_ … They need to be here to protect you!" She frowned. 

Tsunade gave her an incredulous look, "Really? Who's gonna hurt me? The only one who does _that_ is Kakashi, and he's only ripping my heart to shreds. No, they'll just have to handle it. Would that give you enough room to breathe again?" 

Shizune swallowed, "Ripping your heart to shreds, Milady?" 

A sigh escaped her, "He's… Hurting. And I get to hear every little thing that's on the guy's mind. And… It's just not easy. But I'll be alright, Shizune, don't worry about me. It's what I was trained to do, isn't it? Besides," She smiled, "It's interesting too. It's been a while since I got the chance to dive into someone's psyche, and _this_ guy… It's kind of neat." 

The younger woman chuckled, "Don't let him hear you say that…" 

"That would probably be bad, wouldn't it?" Smiling, she cocked her head to the side, "But seriously, Shizune. If we take those three things off the table –" 

"I'll manage," She smiled, "It'll be a lot easier then. Especially if I don't have to bother with the complaint's pile. But… It wouldn't really be fair to put all that on Genma's shoulders, you know…" 

"And Raidou. Together they'll be able to sort through all that just fine." 

"What about Iwashi, then?" She took a small sip of her tea, "He's the only one of the three that's not assigned to anything else." 

Tsunade sighed, walking around the chair to pick up her own tea, "First, he doesn't exactly have what I would call 'people skills', secondly… There's some friction between him and the other two, didn't you ever notice?" 

Shizune chuckled humorlessly, "Oh I _noticed_ , alright… Just yesterday they were at each other's throats again." 

The blonde raised one eyebrow, "That bad, huh? Did you break it up?" 

"Shikaku did. Apparently Iwashi was having some fun at Izumo's expense… Whatever happened out there at the gate is really going to haunt him for the rest of his life, isn't it?" 

"Yeah…" Tsunade sighed softly, leaning back against the desk before taking a small sip of her tea, "Yeah it is." 

"Do you know what actually happened?" Curiously, she regarded the older woman. 

"I've heard about sixteen different versions, Shizune," She chuckled, "But from what I gather from the more _reliable_ sources… He really _did_ declare his love for Kotetsu. Shouted it out, so to speak. Then ran. Asuma and Gai apparently talked him down before dropping him at Iruka's doorstep, and he spent the night there. Next day Iruka went with him to talk to Kotetsu. I'm not sure what happened, but since they're talking again, I take it everything turned out alright after all." 

"I suppose so…" The younger woman said thoughtfully, taking another sip of tea, "It sure seems like all of the sudden there's a flood of people coming out of the closet, huh? And for some reason…" She chuckled lightly, "They all end up at Iruka Umino's apartment…" 

"Yeah…" She took another sip, hiding her smile from her friend. 

"Kind of remarkable how they all end up at _his_ place, no?" Shizune smiled a little naughtily, looking up at the blonde. 

"Hmm? Maybe, I don't know. He's a good guy, Shizune. He doesn't judge people and he's caring. Word gets around, and before you know it, you have a sensei turned social worker," She winked. 

"Right… But why Iruka, though? There's more guys out there that would fit the bill, right?" 

"Name one," She hid another smile behind her tea. 

"Oh, I don't know!" Shizune let out a frustrated sigh. 

Tsunade chuckled, "Are you _fishing_ , Shizune?" 

"Maybe…" She studied the older woman through her eyelashes, "Not like you never told me anything confidentialish before, you know…" 

But the blonde just smiled, turning for the door, "I'm going to make Genma and Raidou's day a little worse, you just rest up, okay?"

XOXOX

 _Wonder where he is… Sure as hell ain't home… I don't really get it, we wiped the slate clean, didn't we? Why is he still avoiding me? Wait… No he's not. Iz is… Is he really? Is he going for it? Izumo and Iruka? That would be hella cute. My buddy got all giddy and pink-cheeked over that guy, right? Not that I see why, but to each his own right? I'm just glad he's stopped staring at_ _ **me**_ _like that… That was just gross. Iz is my best friend, but that was just gross. I never really noticed it, but now that I know… It's kinda impossible to ignore, right? So… I'm just really happy that he's set his sights on someone else. Even_ _ **if**_ _it's that schoolteacher.  
_ Kotetsu chuckled, returning to his own apartment. 

_In a way they fit together, right? Goodie-two-shoes, the both of them. What do you even say when you wanna ask a guy out? Should Iz bring him flowers or something? I mean, if someone gave_ _ **me**_ _flowers I'd probably laugh in their face. Iruka's kinda girly, though. Is that why Iz likes him? Cuz he's not like a real man? But then, why did he like me? I'm a guy, right? I'm a real man. Not some prissy queer, I'm a_ _ **man.**_ _  
_

_But Iz ain't no fairy, he's a man. Sorta… I guess, he's a bit of a pansy sometimes… I guess it all makes sense now, right? But wait, isn't he still like, my best friend? Not even 'like', he_ _ **is.**_ _I'm not his, though, I never was… Fucking hell, where did all the poofters_ _ **come**_ _from all of the sudden?!  
_

Decidedly ignoring that 'all the poofters' only came down to Izumo and Iruka – and the latter wasn't even actually _gay_ – Kotetsu reached into his fridge.  
 _Gonna be leftovers for lunch then. Let's see… That curry looks alright. When did we have curry? Four days ago? Five? I dunno… Guess I'll just heat it up and see what it tastes like…  
_

_Taste… Iz isn't gonna be a cocksucker is he? That's… Disgusting… I mean, he should just stick it in there, like with a girl, right? But… Wouldn't that mean my buddy is getting someone else's shit on his dick? Ugh! Gross! Disgusting!  
_ Kotetsu shivered, gagging.  
 _I'm not hungry anymore…  
_

After shoving the curry back into his fridge, he moved to flop down on the couch.  
 _Why can't he just fall in love with a girl, like normal guys? He's my friend and all, I respect him but… Isn't this whole thing repulsing him too? I just can't believe he'd actually want to do something like that… Maybe he's just confused. Yeah, that's probably it. He's my best friend, and I'm his and he just mistook those feelings.  
_

_But that's not Iz. He_ _ **never**_ _makes mistakes. Not big ones like that. And if he says how he feels about something, he's always damn sure. And he feels like_ _ **that**_ _about_ _ **me**_ _… But I'm a_ _ **guy**_ _for god's sake! And Iruka's more like a little princess. So maybe he kinda likes girls after all, and he just doesn't really know how to handle that. I could give him some pointers…  
_

_Nah… He likes guys. He just likes the girly ones. The ones that would just_ _ **love**_ _to get a dozen roses and heart shaped chocolates and stuff like that. And then he's gonna spend all his cash on that, and he's probably_ _ **still**_ _not gonna get any, because guys like that are just like girls like that, right? So he's gonna string my buddy along for months and then just break it all off and break my best friend's heart. I just know it. If that perfect little schoolteacher_ _ **ever**_ _hurts my buddy like that, I'm gonna kick his ass! He's supposedly a guy, right? So I can beat the fucking shit out of him and no-one's gonna freak out over that because it's a_ _ **guy**_ _. Hah, maybe I like this thought after all. Iz is easily hurt, and if it's a girl I can't do anything. But even if the guy's a total nancy, he's still technically a guy, so when he hurts my buddy he's gonna get it. Yeah… Sounds good.  
_

A smug smile on his face, Kotetsu leaned back on the couch for a few minutes, deciding on the perfect plan of action for when Iruka proved to be stringing his best friend along after all. A little later, he grinned wickedly before heading back to the kitchen.  
 _Curry for lunch._


	79. That Just Happened, Right?

AUTHORS NOTE: A lot of storylines, a lot of awkwardness. These things signal the start of a new arc. One that I have to admit, I haven't actually dubbed as anything yet… I'll think on it… Maybe we shall call this the 'First timers arc'. That sounds about right ^.^ 

Anyway, enjoy this latest chapter. Magnificently Beta'd by Mswan0117. Let's all take a moment to silently thank her. Or shout it out, *shrugs* I know _I_ do…

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 79: That Just Happened, Right?

XOXOX

Sakura hugged her boyfriend's arm a little tighter as they walked along the forest path together. As per agreement, she'd taken this day off from studying, and now they were spending it together.  
 _Why didn't I come up with this sooner?_

"Do you see that flower, Sakura?" He pointed, "It reminds me of you. The color, of course reminds me of your hair," He smiled at her softly, "But also, this is a very strong little flower, as it blooms all throughout the year. As do you." 

"Aww, Shino!" She gave him a quick kiss on his cheek, before kneeling down by the flower he'd pointed out to her, "It's so pretty!" 

"As are you." 

She blushed a little, as she always did when he calmly stated such things, but it never made her feel awkward – just loved, really, "Hey, Shino…?" 

"Yes, Sakura?" He watched her get to her feet, felt her grab his arm once more as they continued their walk. 

"I eh… Was _wondering_ about something…" 

"Alright," He looked at her for a moment, the girl was blushing, and certainly feeling nervous, "Would you like to sit down for a little while?" He pointed at a small stretch of grass on the riverbank. 

"Yes, that would be nice, Shino…" 

So they sat down, Sakura made sure there was a little distance between them, a fact that didn't escape the Aburame. He frowned a little, worried about what Sakura wanted to talk about. He watched his girlfriend swallow, watched her fiddle with the long grass. 

"So… Do you remember what happened before you went on that mission with Kakashi-sensei and Neji?" 

"A lot of things happened before that mission, Sakura… Although you most likely mean between that mission, and the mission we took together, am I correct?" 

She swallowed, pulling out a few blades of grass, "Yes…" 

XOXOX 

"I'm telling you man… It _sucks_ …" 

Iruka sighed softly, "I can only imagine…" 

"I'm with him _every fucking day_ … It hurts, Iruka…" Izumo swallowed, slumping down over Iruka's low table, "It hurts so much I feel like I can't even _breathe_ anymore…" _  
_

Iruka didn't know what to say to the man. He really only _could_ imagine, never having had feelings like that for his own best friend, for _anyone_ for that matter. So he just moved around the table, sitting down next to the quietly sobbing man, placing a comforting hand on Izumo's back.  
Slowly, ever so slowly, the older man started to calm down again, and Iruka watched in sympathy as his friend gathered himself once more. 

"Sorry 'bout that…" 

"I don't mind, Izumo. I know I don't have any experience or anything, but if you need someone to listen… I'll be here. I'll always be here, Izumo," He continued to rub the older man's back, helping him calm down. 

"Thanks, Iruka…" He sniffed, wiping the tears from his face, "You have no idea how much that means to me…" 

XOXOX

Raidou took a deep breath, running a hand through his brown hair. Genma gave him an encouraging nod, before walking off, and the scarred man took one more breath before walking into the Hokage's office. 

"Hello Shizune." 

"Oh, Raidou! I'm sorry, I forgot to give you the application forms I promised you, didn't I? Wait here, I'll go get them now." 

He quickly took a small step sideways, all but blocking her path, "Shizune, I don't really care about the forms, right now. I just… Could I take you out for a cup of tea?" 

She smiled at him, "Now why would we go _out_ for tea? I just made a fresh pot, you can just grab a cup if you want. I'll be right back!" 

Staring at her disappearing back, the man sighed.  
 _Did I just get rejected, or what?_

XOXOX

"Sakura… What is this about? You haven't spoken to me for almost five minutes and if I'm completely honest, I believe you might be starting to scare me a little…" 

Her head shot up, "Scare you?" Her eyes wide, she stared at him, "I didn't mean to, Shino! Really! I just…" Sakura sighed, "That… Do you remember… What-what Iruka-sensei explained…" She whispered. 

Shino swallowed hard, "You mean about my… Little problem…" 

She chuckled a little, "Are we going with _that_ term?" 

"I'd… Prefer it," Uneasy, he shifted a little, "What about it, Sakura?" 

"I guess… I guess I was just wondering… Does it still bother you? I mean… I touch you _a lot_ now, and… Well…" 

He took a deep breath, looking away from her in an attempt to hide his blush, "Sometimes…" 

"Is it… That's bad, right? I should be more sensitive to you…" 

"No, Sakura. It is not your fault… If it is indeed _anyone's_ fault at all, it is my own," He swallowed again, "However… I do not feel comfortable discussing this… Could we please… Move on?" There was only little hope in his voice, after all, when Sakura Haruno made up her mind… 

XOXOX 

_I said I'd prove to him that I'm worthy of the title 'friend'. But how do I even_ _ **do**_ _that? I've been an ass to him in the past, but… Back then, I thought I_ _ **was**_ _his friend. And yet I've hurt the guy so many times over, it's despicable…  
_ Asuma Sarutobi wandered through the Konoha streets, he was supposed to meet Kurenai for dinner in about half an hour, and _should_ probably be buying her some flowers or something right now, but he couldn't focus on his girlfriend right now, thoughts of the man he'd once thought was one of his closest friends occupying his mind. 

_Kakashi's always been a little out there, but I've always thought that was… I dunno…_ _ **Fun**_ _, I suppose. You never know how things are gonna go with the guy, he manages to surprise you at every turn. He's dependable as a shinobi, and completely_ _ **un**_ _dependable as a man. Always late, always reading perverted books, always making lame excuses and cracking lame jokes…  
Only they're __**not**_ _lame jokes, are they? I'm beginning to get the feeling that those so-called jokes are just his way of trying to convey how he really feels, what he's really thinking… And I've made fun of that so many times it's just not even_ _ **funny**_ _anymore…  
_

_But wait a minute… If those weird jokes of his actually_ _ **do**_ _mean something…  
'Did you finally leave those guys for me?' Was that…?  
'Oh, but Asuma, you're way hotter than Anko, __**you**_ _should be the lure!' Did he…?  
'Nawww… What does Kurenai have that I don't?' Was he trying to…?  
_

_**Does THAT guy have a crush on me TOO?!**_

XOXOX

"Don't worry about it. It's what friends are for, right?" Iruka gave the older man a comforting smile. 

"I guess… Still, thanks man…" Izumo wiped at his eyes again, looking up at Iruka a little sheepishly, "We kind of barely _know_ each other, and here I go dumping all my troubles on you…" 

"Actually…" Iruka said thoughtfully, though a smile tucked at the corners of his mouth, "It was Gai and Asuma who dumped _you_ on _me_ …" He chuckled a little, "And I think that even though we may not have known each other very _long_ yet… We kinda know a _lot_ about each other, no?" 

"Heh… Guess that's true… Mostly the stuff that no-one else knows – or at least is _supposed_ to know…" He suppressed another sob, "Still, guess you're right," He bravely tried a smile, but it didn't really come out right. Iruka's hand was still on his back, gently rubbing circles and Izumo _really_ didn't want to think about what that did to him. Part of him wanted to pull away before this situation got even _more_ awkward, but another part of him argued that this might very well be the only chance he ever got to be so close to another man – one that _wasn't_ Kotetsu… 

_I'm still touching him… Eh, is that bad? He_ _ **was**_ _just crying… I was just trying to comfort him, still am, I suppose. But… I kind of feel like I may have lingered too long already. At the same time… If I pull back_ _ **now**_ _… Wouldn't that feel even weirder? I kind of…_ _ **Like**_ _this, I guess… I like… Touching him… Is that weird? It's just… I never… I only ever really touch kids – not dirty touching but… This isn't dirty, either, right? It's just comforting a friend, right? Am I doing something wrong, here? But I don't… I don't really want to stop…  
_ "Of course I'm right, Izumo," He winked – _Where did_ _ **that**_ _come from?  
_ "I'm the sensei here, right? I'm _always_ right," Iruka smiled – _Did I just push it? Is he going to pull away now? I mean… That was kind of smug, right?  
_

"Right, you're the sensei," Izumo winked back, "So you _should_ at least be right… Hmmm… _So_ … What if we both tell each other something that _isn't_ top-secret?" He smiled, "Friends should know the boring stuff too, right? So… I like daikon salad," He beamed at Iruka. 

The younger man chuckled, "Okay… My favorite food is ramen – but it _has_ to be from Ichi Raku's. And I really _love_ hot springs… Just soaking in the hot water, relaxing…" He smiled happily. 

"I prefer a quiet night at home with a good book over going out, and… Let's see… It's kind of embarrassing sometimes, but I'm kind of a neat freak…" 

"Me too, though," Iruka chuckled again, "Maybe not a _lot_ , but I really hate it when I look in my closet and there's only like, two or three uniforms left – I only have five…" He laughed. 

"I kinda like doing laundry… Somehow it calms me down. And it always smells so good when it's freshly washed. Actually…" He leaned in a little, "Sometimes when I'm folding, I can't help but smell at the clean stuff a little…" Leaning back again, he blushed lightly, chuckling too. 

"Not that weird, though… I love the smell of freshly washed sheets…" Iruka chuckled again, "We're a couple of domesticated stay-at-homes, aren't we?" 

"Guess, so," Izumo unconsciously leaned back against Iruka's hand a little, the younger man had stilled it a little while ago, but that warm hand still lingered somewhere on his lower back, "But who cares, right?" 

"Right, nothing wrong with enjoying the laundry," Iruka laughed again. 

_He actually looks pretty cute, especially when he laughs like that… Wait, what? I didn't… Nah, I can just think he's cute, right? I don't mean anything by it, just…  
_ "Dishes are a nightmare, though…" 

"Really?" Iruka quirked one eyebrow, "Dishes I don't mind so much, it's the cooking that gets me…" 

"Oh? I love to cook," Izumo cocked his head, "I know, I'll cook for you sometime, if you take care of the dishes, deal?" 

"Deal." 

XOXOX 

"But Shino… If I make you uncomfortable in any way, isn't that something that we _should_ talk about?" 

"Sakura… Please. As I explained before, it is improper for a gentleman to discuss such things with a lady," He protested weakly, already knowing how the girl would counter his words. 

"Well, good thing I'm not much of a lady then," She winked, "But really, Shino… _Talk_ to me…" 

"I'd really rather not, Sakura…" 

She frowned, biting her lip, "It's right now, isn't it?" 

XOXOX

They leaned into each other a little, neither man realizing the close proximity this brought. Izumo shifted his gaze, eyes fluttering toward Iruka's lips, moving back up to chocolate eyes, before lowering to the younger man's lips once more. His breathing heavy, eyes lidded. 

XOXOX

"I…" He swallowed, looking away and pulling up his knees so there would be no way that she could catch sight of the bulge in his pants, "Yes…" 

"Shino!" She all but jumped forward, sitting on her knees as she rested her hands on his knees, "Why didn't you _say_ something?!" 

The Aburame blinked in surprise, "Why should I, Sakura? I believed it would only serve to embarrass _both_ of us. Not to mention that you might pull away from me again… I really disliked not being allowed to touch you, even if it was by my own request…" He spoke softly. 

"Really?" Her tone was equally soft, though she sounded very surprised, "I really hated it… It always makes me feel so safe when we lock our arms together, I feel so… Welcome, I guess, around you…" 

"I feel the same, Sakura. And that will not change simply because my body seems to lack proper etiquette." 

She chuckled, "Think you can train your body to be proper, then?" 

"I would like to believe it, however, past attempts have yielded no results, sadly." 

She blinked, "Shino… Are you kidding me?" 

A confused frown appeared on his face, "I am not, why would you believe that?" 

"Because you can't really train your body to show proper _etiquette_ , Shino! That's…" She chuckled, "That's something only _you_ could come up with, isn't it?" 

"Possibly…" 

"Still… Can't you just… _Tell_ me about it? When you… You _know_?" 

"I believe I cannot, Sakura. Why? Because no matter how _you_ might feel about the term 'lady', I _am_ a gentleman." 

She frowned, a little annoyed with his incessant 'gentleman' talk.  
" _Fine_ ," The girl huffed, "Then I'll just have to figure it out _myself_ ," And, just like that, she forcibly pulled his knees apart, brining one hand down on the boy's stiff member. 

Eyes widened as both teens gasped, Shino pulled away from her, cheeks burning even redder than her own, " _Sakura!"_

XOXOX

Iruka was no better off, his own eyes glued to Izumo's, panting slightly, unable to focus his mind on anything. He leaned in ever so slightly, meeting Izumo half-way. 

XOXOX 

"Asuma! _There_ you are…"Kurenai frowned a little, she'd been waiting inside the restaurant for almost forty minutes, and he just strolled in like he hadn't a care in the world. 

"I'm sorry, my love," He sat down across from her at the small table, "I kind of… Got lost thinking about an apology I have to make…" 

"Shikamaru again? You two _still_ didn't talk it out?!" Anger flared in her voice, "Asuma! You were an ass to him, you said so yourself!" 

"I did, I was. We _did_ talk it out, though… And we're okay again, really. No… It's not Shikamaru…" 

"How many people did you piss off, Honey…?" She sighed. 

"I didn't piss him off, Sweetheart. Okay, maybe I did, but mostly… I just found out that I've been hurting the guy for pretty much as long as I've _known_ him…" 

She shrugged, "Just stick to your friends, I mean, if you two never even got along…" 

Suddenly he leaned over the table, hissing at her, "Kakashi _is_ my friend!" 

Her eyes widened as she breathed, " _Kakashi…?"_

"Forget it, I shouldn't have said anything," He muttered. 

"No! Asuma Sarutobi! This time you _bloody_ well _will_ tell me what the _hell_ you did!" 

He sighed, "You know those lame jokes the guy's always cracking? About his fair skin, or me ditching the Guardians for _him_?" 

"She nodded, it's an ongoing theme between the two of you – the 'gay jokes' right? I've never liked them, but – " 

"Kurenai," He interrupted her softly, "Apparently it's not a joke…" 

XOXOX 

"So... That happened..." Izumo looked away shyly. 

"Yeah... Uh... Bad?" 

"No. No, not bad... Uh... Weird maybe?" 

"Kinda..." 

"I mean... We're friends, right?" 

"Right..." 

"So we probably shouldn't be..." 

"Probably not, no... But... Like you said, we're friends. We can just..." 

"Move on." 

"Right." 

"Right." 

They looked at each other for a moment. Izumo opened his mouth. Closed it again. Then apparently came to a conclusion, "I should probably go home, now." 

"Yeah... Uh, Good night." 

"Yeah, good night, Iruka." 

When the other had left, Iruka dropped himself on his back.  
 _That did_ _ **not**_ _just happen, right?_


	80. When Three Becomes Four

AUTHORS NOTE: Awkward conversations… Gotta love those ;)  
Also, make sure to check out the side note correlating to this chapter once you've finished reading it. 'Did I _Rape_ Him…?' (Yeah, I know, the title is kinda… _Sketchy_. Bare with me, though ;) 

Thank you so much Mswan0117 for your Beta. Without you, my A/N would be overflowing with Grizzly's, Panda's and Teddy bears xD

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 80: When Three Becomes Four

XOXOX

Kakashi blinked at him. Blinked again. Then started laughing. Loudly.  
Iruka placed his folded arms on the table, hiding his burning face as he dropped his head on them. 

"So you guys jerked each other off?" Apparently, Kakashi had caught his breath. Iruka wasn't actually sure if this was an improvement... 

"No... He... Um... I mean..." A red-hot face shifted slightly, chocolate eyes trained on the copy ninja's face for a few moments before hiding away again. 

Kakashi took a steadying breath, embarrassing his friend even more would be cruel at this point, "Iruka, I'm not judging you. Not at all. I just..." 

The chuunin shrugged, his voice muffled by his arms, "So? It's not _funny_ Kakashi... I... What if he hates me now?" Unshed tears rang in his voice, causing him to shrug again, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. 

But Kakashi's tone was calming, his words soothing, "I don't think that'll happen, Iruka. If you can't even remember who started it, then I'm pretty sure he wanted it as much as you did. It may be a little embarrassing for both of you, but... At least you had your first experience with someone you can trust, my friend. And I'm sure he feels the same." 

"Who says it was his first?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Who says it wasn't? Iruka... It's... A little hard to explain, but... Just trust me on this. And, if you can manage, talk to him." 

"Yeah... That'll go over _real_ well..." 

"Why not?" Kakashi frowned. His friend wasn't looking at him anyway, and this sounded a little... Alarming. 

Iruka groaned, then whispered, "He fucked me, Kakashi... He... I never... I mean... And he..." 

A slow smile crept across the jounin's face, "Iruka, did it feel good?" 

" _What?!"_ The brunette's head shot up, eyes wide, he looked at his friend incredulously, "How – You shouldn't –... That's _private!_ " 

A chuckle escaped the older man, "Yes, it is. But you came to _me_ , remember? Look, I'm not trying to add to that utter embarrassment that is so completely overwhelming you right now, really. But look at it this way, Iruka: He fucked you – well, I _personally_ wouldn't call it _fucking_ per se, but that's just my opinion... Anyway, he fucked you. And knowing you, you were probably thinking about how wrong that was, because he's your friend, and you shouldn't be doing stuff like that on a whim, but... Iruka, he just made you _feel_ good, didn't he? And you did the same for him. You're _both_ consenting adults, and there really isn't anything wrong with any of it." 

"I didn't though..." Barely a whisper as he looked away shyly. 

"Didn't what?" Kakashi tried to capture his friends eyes, but he might as well have been trying to capture the moon with his bare hands. 

"What... What _he_ did... I-" Iruka swallowed, returning his head to rest on his arms, "I started it, but... He finished himself off. I was..." His voice trailed off, clearly too embarrassed to continue. 

"Ah," Kakashi leaned back in his chair, "He swept you away and then had to take care of his own business because you were –" 

"Don't _say_ it!" 

Kakashi chuckled again, then laughed out loud, "Iruka... It's nothing to be ashamed about!" 

"Yes it is..." He muttered. 

"No," The copy ninja spoke slowly, punctuating every word, "It. Is. Not." 

"Easy for _you_ to say..." 

"Maybe, but really... Iruka, if you both want it, what's the harm?" 

"Who says he wanted it in the first place?" Iruka started to sound desperate, all but convincing himself that he'd _forced_ himself on Izumo. 

Kakashi sighed, walking over to the sink for a glass of water. He rested his weight against the counter as he drank, studying his friend's slumped frame, "Iruka," He called softly, "You did nothing wrong. You know that right? Please don't try to tell yourself that you did because, honestly, you're pretty much the last person on the _planet_ who would force himself on another. It's just... New, right now. But that doesn't mean it's wrong." 

"I know... I guess. It's just..." He sat back up, studying the matchbook that lay all but forgotten on the table, "It didn't _feel_ wrong, just... Embarrassing. A little, at least. But then... Then he left, and he seemed... Even more embarrassed than I was... And... I dunno," He glanced up at his friend, "That part felt _incredibly_ wrong..." 

"I know. I've been the person leaving after something like that too many times to count. And... That usually felt pretty wrong, too. It's just that back then, I didn't care. But Izumo is the kind of guy that cares, Iruka. I'm pretty sure he's beating himself up over it just like you are..." Some movement in the corner of his eye caught the copy ninja's attention. Turning his head, he smiled. Not saying a word to Iruka, he walked over to the front door, making sure to close the door to the kitchen behind him.

XOXOX

"Raidou, relax," The senbon was pushed from left to right, "She was probably just a little preoccupied… Aren't the chuunin exams starting again soon?" 

"Yeah… But… She just…" The scarred man rested his head in his hands, "I don't know, Genma, maybe she's just really not interested…" 

"Course she is, you're a great guy, don't talk nonsense," Genma slowly pulled out a kunai, checking the edge with his thumb. 

"Gen… That doesn't mean shit, you know…" 

"Course it does," He reached in his pouch, pulling out a small block of wood. 

"No, even _if_ I agree with you that I'm supposed to be a great guy, she could just generally not be _interested_ , you know…" He looked at his best friend, defeat on his face. 

But Genma didn't look at him, instead studying the piece of wood for a little while before slowly placing his kunai against it, starting to carve off the edges, "You calling her gay, now?" He quirked one eyebrow, but his eyes remained trained on his work. 

" _No_! At least… I hope not…" 

"She's not, Rai, trust me. You just need to try again." 

Raidou sighed, "How many more times, Genma…?" 

"As many as it takes, my man. Welcome to the dating scene…"

XOXOX 

"Izumo, what a pleasant surprise," His eye crinkled in a huge smile, this _really_ was too good to be true... 

"He's... He's here, isn't he?" 

"Huh?" Kakashi feigned confusion, "Who is?" 

"Eh, Iruka..." 

"Iruka, Iruka..." The silver-haired man thoughtfully tapped his chin, "Wait, brown hair? Has this scar running across the bridge of his nose? Kinda cute? Really sweet guy? _That_ Iruka?" 

"Ye-yeah... That one..." 

"Assuming he's here... What do you want with him?" Kakashi's voice sounded a little strict, if this guy was here to make his friend feel worse, he would – he would – well... He would do _something..._

"I just... Want to talk to him. I... He told you, didn't he?" Izumo didn't dare look the older man in the eyes, settling his gaze on the threshold instead. 

"Told me what, exactly?" Kakashi drawled out, unable to resist the temptation. 

"About... About yesterday..." 

"Yesterday being...? The day _before_ today? When you made my best friend come in his pants?" Kakashi was all but grinning, this was just _too_ much fun! He watched in awe as the younger man turned an even brighter shade of red, stumbling back a few small paces. 

But Izumo managed to recollect himself almost immediately, "Yeah," He spoke softly, but clear, " _That_ yesterday. When he looked so fucking hot I couldn't help myself..." Bright red, his gaze lingered somewhere around Kakashi's chest, and the older man decided to stop torturing him. 

"He's here. But it's up to him if he wants to talk to you. Wait here," He stepped back inside, seeing Iruka spy through a small crack in the kitchen door. The chuunin nodded at him, turning away. Kakashi smiled to himself, Iruka was going to try and act cool then, eh? Turning back to the front door, he motioned for Izumo to follow him, then told him to wait. He walked into the bedroom, retrieving his desk chair before walking into the kitchen once more, Izumo trailing behind him. 

Kakashi set the chair down, back against the table. Sitting down, he comfortably rested his arms on the back of the chair – clearly he intended to stay. 

Standing in the doorway, Izumo swallowed, "Look, Iruka… I –… I'd actually hoped to talk to you alone…" 

The younger man didn't look up. His entire body turned sideways, Iruka stared out the window. His head resting in his hand, obscuring most of his face from view. In his stead, Kakashi spoke, "Talk? Or fuck? Either is fine with me, though if I may vocalize a preference –" 

"Kakashi," Still not looking up, Iruka sighed, his tone weary, "Keep the perversion in check, will you?" 

"Aww, _Irukaaa…_ I _was_ going to say I'd prefer you two talk this out, but if you insist…" 

Iruka glanced up at the man still standing on the threshold, "If you really don't want to talk with Kakashi around," He sighed, "I can certainly understand. He's getting a little _too_ giddy over all of this," He threw his silver-haired friend a stern look, "However… I'm… _Nervous_ , and I kind of feel safer with him around… If you're so adamant about it, though…" His voice trailed off, and his gaze drifted back to the window. 

Izumo shot Kakashi a look, the man wasn't paying any attention to him, instead carefully studying his friend's face. Taking a deep breath, Izumo sat himself down on the only remaining chair – across from Iruka – feeling a little shiver run down his spine at the younger man's whispered 'thank you'.  
 _His voice sounds so sexy! How come I never noticed that before?  
_

Kakashi had apparently finished his examination of Iruka's face and now turned his attention to Izumo, studying yet another brunette's features. Izumo felt a little uneasy under the jounin's intense gaze, feeling as if the man could see right _through_ him. 

Suddenly, Iruka cleared his throat, "Kakashi, stop that. You're making him uncomfortable." 

"Hmmm?" Kakashi blinked at Iruka, then turned his attention back to Izumo again, "Am I?" 

"A little," The brunette conceded, unsure what to make of the older man's behavior. 

"Ah well, I'm sorry. I was merely being curious." 

"About what?" The words had left his lips before he had a chance to stop them, and he bit his tongue to keep from saying more. 

"Whether or not I was right," The jounin leaned back a little, his air being one of total relaxation, "That was your first time, wasn't it?" 

Izumo blinked.  
 _He didn't tell him? Thank god.. Now, stay calm. Kakashi doesn't need to know this about you. And if Iruka didn't tell him already, that means that he agrees. So… Relax.  
_

Kakashi chuckled, "I was right, then." 

"Kakashi…" Iruka complained softly, "You're doing that thing again…" 

"What thing?" Genuine confusion spread across the older man's face. 

"You're being mean," Iruka stated simply, before finally turning to face Izumo, "He's worried for me, please forgive him." 

"I, uh… Sure, but… Are you… Are you really _that_ nervous, then?" 

One eyebrow quirked, "Aren't you?" 

Izumo swallowed, "More like… Sheer terror…" 

"Oh?" The copy ninja perked up, "Why?" 

His fingers fiddled with the matchbook on the table, "Because I'm pretty sure that if you somehow come to the conclusion that I've wronged your friend I'm dead meat." 

Kakashi sighed, "You _didn't_ wrong him, Izumo… And I'd never hurt you _too_ bad even if you _did,_ and it would have to have been pretty fucking _terrible_ before I even stepped in. No," He said softly, "Actually I'm just worried for the both of you…" 

Izumo blinked, "Why?" 

"Because you're _both_ being way too awkward." 

Iruka's voice was merely a whisper, "So was –… Eh…" He shot Izumo an apologetic look. 

"Yes, well, Iruka… He's… _Younger_." 

"Not even legal yet, you mean," A vaguely familiar voice sounded from behind him, and Izumo whipped around to see who was standing in the doorway. 

Kakashi blew out the breath he hadn't realized he's been holding, "Shikamaru…" 

"I'm not going to hide from Izumo…" He walked over, leaning his arms on Kakashi's shoulders. The gesture was almost possessive –the Nara's smirk only adding to that notion – but he simply acted as if he hadn't noticed Izumo's questioning gaze, Kakashi's discomfort or Iruka's nervousness. 

Izumo swallowed as his brain tried to sort out this new information, "Wait a minute… _Yours_ is the name that everyone refuses to mention…" 

This was answered by a small nod from the teenager. Iruka quickly added his voice, "You should realize why, I mean… He's –" 

"Fifteen. We know," Kakashi's voice was soft, as if something had hurt him. The Nara pulled a face. 

Izumo frowned, the next one was… _Tricky_ , "And… You two are…" He swallowed, vaguely gesturing towards Kakashi and Shikamaru, "Dating?" 

Both nodded this time, and Iruka looked about ready to give some sort of lecture, but Izumo immediately cut him off with a follow-up question, "Does anyone even _know?"_

"Everyone that knows is here in this room," Kakashi answered him softly. 

Iruka frowned, concern clear on his face, "Shikamaru, why did you _do_ that? I mean –" 

"Like I said, Iruka-sensei, I'm not going to hide from Izumo. Simple. Besides, Kakashi's mine, and the sooner we're all on the same page regarding that little fact, the less problems we're all gonna have," He smirked smugly, and as his boyfriend sighed softly, that smirk widened to a wicked grin, "Again, _mine._ " 

"We got that," Izumo almost chuckled, he'd never actually _seen_ anyone act so possessive of their partner, "Wouldn't even try, though…" 

"Aww…" The silver-haired man pouted, "I'm not good enough? Oh, wait, you want _chocolate_ ," His eye crinkled in what the others could only assume was most likely a dirty grin. 

Izumo swallowed, Iruka blushed. Shikamaru fell into a fit of laughter, "Babe, that's _harsh_ …" 

"Not really…" He looked up at his younger lover, winking. 

"That's not actually what I meant… But… Eh…" Izumo took a deep breath, "Shikamaru… How much did you hear from all of this…?" 

The youngest shrugged, "I woke up when Kakashi came to get the chair, heard everything from that point on. The walls are kinda thin here," He smirked again. 

Iruka groaned, "Shikamaru… If I'd known you were here –" 

"What are you on about, Iruka-sensei? I'm _always_ here…" 

Kakashi's eye crinkled again, "He is." 

"Still…" The sensei blushed, "Kakashi knowing is one thing…" 

"Iruka-sensei," Intense eyes turned to the man, capturing his gaze, "When did you become afraid of me?" His voice was soft, hurt laced into every word. 

"I'm not, Shikamaru. Really. But despite… _This_ ," He gestured toward the couple, "You're still a teenager. One of my _students_ , nonetheless. I can't…" His voice trailed off, eyes almost unwillingly settling on Izumo's fingers as the older man fiddled with the matchbook again. 

"Iruka," He said softly, "Are we seriously coming to the conclusion that there's a _teenager_ here that knows more about this stuff than we do…?" 

Kakashi burst into laughter, while the Nara only smirked. Iruka felt his cheeks burn once again. 

"I guess, that's a 'yes,' then…" Izumo muttered under his breath. 

"I'm sorry, Izumo… But I sort of fell in love with a sex god…" 

Now, apparently, it was Kakashi's turn to blush. Gently brushing his boyfriends arms away, he walked over to the sink. Keeping his back turned to the table as he tipped back another glass of water. 

"So," Izumo suddenly whispered sneakily, " _You've_ seen what's under the mask, right?" 

Shikamaru smirked, "I know every inch of the guy, but that doesn't mean _you_ ever will." 

"Aw _, c'mon_! There's a pool going on what he looks like, come on, Shikamaru, make me rich…" He pleaded, amusement clear on his face. 

"Nah… I think I'll take the money myself…" 

"You're not allowed to bet yet, come on, we'll split the profits!" 

Kakashi turned back, chuckling, "That pool has been running for close to eight years now, Izumo. They can wait a little longer…" Walking back, he found the chair had been turned around, now properly facing the table. The silver-haired man let out another chuckle. Sitting down he opened his arms, inviting his boyfriend in. 

Shikamaru immediately sat down, feeling strong arms wrap around him, he couldn't suppress a content smile, "So…" He drawled out, his fingers unconsciously tracing little figures on the back of Kakashi's hand, "Since Kakashi isn't gonna kill you… How about we clear up this whole mess?" 

Two heads snapped up, staring at him in disbelief before they looked at each other for support. 

The Nara made a soft sound that could either be a laugh or relay his awe over the two men, "See? You're finally properly looking at each other again…" 

"Create a common enemy? _Seriously?!_ " Kakashi sounded incredulous, cocking his head to the side as he looked at his lover. 

"Textbook," The younger one replied curtly, all but grinning at the silver-haired man. 

"Shikamaru, that's…" 

"I only just proved that I _did_ pay attention in class, Iruka-sensei… _Sometimes_." 

Iruka sighed, shielding his lips with one hand he mouthed to Izumo, "We're _doomed_." 

Izumo nodded gravely, before turning his attention to Shikamaru once more, "You, butt out," Looking back at Iruka, he could hear the boy chuckle.  
 _Damned brat!  
_ "Iruka, listen, I know we kinda went about it all wrong but that doesn't mean I regret that it happened. I just… Didn't know how to deal with it, I guess, so… I left," He pulled a face, unsure how to continue. 

"Same here," Iruka said softly, not daring to lift his gaze as he felt his cheeks burn. 

They could hear the Nara sigh, but both men pointedly ignored him.  
Kakashi chuckled, they ignored him too. 

Eventually, Shikamaru spoke softly, clearly directing his words at his boyfriend, "Babe, we could fuck right here in this chair and I doubt they'd even _notice_ …" 

"Oh, they'd notice, Sweetie. You're a little too loud to ignore…" 

"Am _not_!" 

"Are too." 

" _Dude_!" He playfully swatted at his lover's hands on his stomach, chuckling as he realized they'd managed to catch both men's attention after all, "What?" 

"Eh… I think I'm more used to 'bored Shikamaru'…" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Bored Shikamaru's such a drag… He's way more fun when you give his mind something to do, Izumo." 

"Let me guess," Iruka asked carefully, "Right now you're trying to figure the two of us out…?" 

"Neh… Finished that a while ago…" 

"Remember when he sighed?" Kakashi's eye crinkled, "That was when he was getting bored again…" 

"Wait, what?" Izumo stared at the young man in disbelief, " _That_ quickly?" 

"People are _so_ easy… It's a drag, really." 

Iruka pulled a face, sounding like he just wanted to get this over with, "Okay Shikamaru, what's your conclusion?" 

But the Nara just smirked, "You'll figure it out…" He leaned back against his boyfriend, "So… Tsunade asked me to handle the chuunin exams…" 

"Oh?" Kakashi cocked his head, "What did you say?" 

"That she's crazy. Why the hell would I want to put so much effort into something so boring?" 

Iruka smiled at him, "It's actually quite an honor, Shikamaru." 

"It's a drag… But I told her I'd do it anyway. We'll be coordinating with Suna on this one, so I'll probably be way too busy, but…" He looked over his shoulder, his gaze soft as he took in his lover's face, "At least I'll be home."


	81. Perverts Are So Easily Distracted

AUTHORS NOTE: Ah... So you want the _full_ specs on what happened? Well then, I suggest you move your butt over to 'Side notes to Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives,' As that's where I've posted the _detailed_ account. And yes, I realize that the side notes aren't even _half_ as popular as the main story *sigh* But this time I seriously urge you all to go check it out – that is, if you want to see what happens when two guys get up close and personal with each other *wiggles eyebrows* 

Thank you Mswan0117 for your amazing and hilarious Beta – You always manage to make my day ^.^ 

As mentioned before, the side notes contain moments that didn't show up in the main story, just a little looksie behind the scenes, really. I will be taking requests for side notes throughout the main story, any moment you feel like you've missed, any detail you'd like to see written out, let me know! I will consider _every_ prompt.

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 81: Perverts Are So Easily Distracted

XOXOX

Shikamaru had left, muttering about stupid meetings for stupid chuunin exams that were too much of a drag to have to focus on. Iruka couldn't help it, he´d teased the teenager relentlessly. After all, Shikamaru was _no_ stranger to embarrassing and teasing his old sensei, and this was, in a modest way, a sort of pay back. 

"So, now the most distracting person I've ever met has finally left," Kakashi's eye crinkled, "How about you guys _really_ talk this out?" 

Izumo stared at him, panic flaring in his dark eyes. A pink tongue flicked out, nervously licking suddenly dry lips. His hand trembled too much, so he dropped the matchbook, retreating both his hands to rest in his lap. 

"Izumo?" Kakashi rested his arms on the table, leaning over ever so slightly, "What's going on in that head of yours? You're not still thinking I'm going to do something to you, are you?" 

Almost unwillingly, Izumo shook his head, just a little. 

"Then what?" Kakashi coaxed. 

No reaction. 

"Izumo…?" Kakashi used his most gentle voice with the man, "You're worrying me here… Please tell me what's wrong?"  
 _Oh please, not another breakdown… I'm neither Shikamaru nor Tsunade, I'm not adequately equipped to deal with someone else's breakdown.  
_

"It's… Uh…" Again his tongue flicked out, "I… I mean, you are… Eh…" 

Iruka sighed, "I guess what he's trying to say is you're a known pervert…" He slumped back over the table again, calmly studying his freaking friend. After a little while, he spoke again, "It's actually grossly exaggerated, you know. Well, maybe not," He flashed a little smile, "But I know Kakashi. He also knows when to keep himself in check…" 

"Which is why he's doing a teenager…" Izumo mumbled, startled as he hadn't meant for the words to slip out. Eyes wide, he stared at Kakashi once more. 

But the older man only shrugged, smiling, "Shikamaru's age has nothing to do with it, Izumo. Yes, it's an obstacle, and personally, I would have waited for him. But… He can be _very_ convincing when he wants to be… Anyway…" He sighed, suddenly sounding very serious, "I'm only here to help you. Like I said before, you are both being _way_ too awkward about this. Honestly… I'm about a ninety-nine percent sure you're going to take this the wrong way, but…" He sighed once more, " _You're_ attractive _, Iruka's_ attractive. You _both_ like guys, and _neither_ of you had ever actually _been_ with another man before. And you hang out. Just the _two_ of you. Frankly, I was waiting for something like this to happen." 

"You _what?!"_ Iruka shot up, now there were _two_ brunettes staring at the silver-haired ninja. But Kakashi only shrugged, "It's not just the workings of a dirty mind, Iruka. It's basic human psyche." 

"Kakashi… That's just…" 

"Just _what,_ Iruka?" Kakashi chuckled, "Just a little _too_ perceptive for your comfort? I know you're not the goodie-two-shoes everyone takes you for, my friend. And I know how irresistible a handsome man can be," He winked, causing both men to blush. 

Izumo swallowed, watching Iruka through his eyelashes, "He, eh… Has a point…" 

"Kakashi always has a valid point hidden away somewhere…" Iruka glanced at Izumo out of the corner of his eye, biting his cheek nervously. 

Kakashi purposely remained silent, waiting for either of these men to find the courage to actually speak up. He didn't have to wait too long. 

"Hey… Iruka?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I, eh," Izumo's tongue flicked out, "I… I guess I wanted to apologize for _, heh_ … Sort of… Ambushing you…" 

Iruka thought about it for a few seconds, "So you planned it, then?" 

"Eh… No, not planned or anything… I just… I guess what I'm trying to say is… I never asked you if you were okay with it…" 

"Neither did I, though…" 

Izumo swallowed, licking his lips again, "Eh… You sort of did..." 

"That actually counts?" Iruka still didn't look at him, but his eyebrows shot up. 

"Eh… Maybe?" 

"Right… Well, I don't really think so… So, eh… Sorry." 

Kakashi had to physically bite back a chuckle.  
 _Are they_ _ **actually**_ _apologizing for getting each other off? Seriously? That's… Cute, actually…  
_

"You shouldn't apologize, Iruka… I mean… I was… sort of –" Again, his tongue nervously flicked out, " _Overpowering_ you…" 

_Hmmm? That's new. According to Iruka, Izumo didn't force him into anything. He's worried it's the other way around, but… Listening to the way he says it… I think Izumo's take on things might actually hold some merit. Darn, I wish I knew what happened exactly. It's a shame really, it'd be such good jerk-off material… Oh wait, I've got Shikamaru, so… I probably shouldn't be thinking about other guys anymore… That's how relationships work, right? He's the only one from now on? Or is it still okay to sometimes think about other hot guys? 'Cause… Those two together… That's hot. And I know Cuteness would agree… So… It would be okay, then? Or only if Shikamaru knows about it, too? I dunno… The whole thing seems so… Complicated…  
_

"... Mean, exactly?" 

_Oh crap, I missed something. What did you say, Iruka? Come on, please repeat it for Kakashi, I've been a good boy, stayed quiet, didn't voice any disturbing thoughts out loud. Please, sensei?  
_

"I mean when I…" Izumo glanced over at Kakashi, but the copy ninja seemed to have lost all interest in the current conversation. Absentmindedly cleaning his nails with a kunai, "When I, eh… _Guided_ your hand…" 

_Whoah! What? To where? Don't look up, remember Kakashi, play it cool. They're gonna be much more open with each other if you don't seem to be paying any attention. Which is better for them, and also gives you the chance to shamelessly listen in. Maybe I'll get enough of the details anyway. Although I'm still not sure if I'm allowed to 'use' them…  
_

"You mean when you… Eh…" 

"Yeah…" 

_Oh come on! Say it! You're driving me crazy here!_  
Kakashi calmly slipped his kunai back into its leg holster, now examining his freshly cleaned nails. He missed Izumo nervously licking his lips, though he realized that was exactly what the man was doing,  
"I didn't really have the right, so…" 

"No," Iruka's voice was very soft, "To me… It was permission."

 _Permission to do what?! Jerk him off? Fondle his nipples? Cup his face? What?!  
_

"I suppose that… Makes sense. I mean… I was already…" 

"Yeah…" 

"Without permission…" 

"Don't worry about it, Izumo." 

Behind the copy ninja's calm, even bored exterior, the pervert was freaking out. He needed to _know,_ to _understand_ , to – preferably – _see_. 

"Yeah, but…" Another quick glance over at the copy ninja proved the man had now taken up _trimming_ his nails with a kunai, "I just… Put my hand on you…" 

"I put my lips on you, though…" 

_Whoah! What?! You_ _ **sucked**_ _him off?  
_

"We both leaned in, though…" Izumo licked his lips again. 

_Oh… They were just talking about a kiss, then… Sort of disappointing…_

"I guess… I touched you first, though…" Iruka said softly. 

_Okay… Now I'm thoroughly confused…  
_

"Yeah… But that was just…" 

"Still… Sorry," He shot a quick glance up, Izumo seemed to have calmed down a little bit. Which was great, now if only _he_ could calm his thumping heart too, that would be nice. 

"No, no don't be," Izumo's words came out almost slurred in his haste to push them past his lips, "I… _Heh_ … Liked that," He added, his voice barely audible. 

"It was just… You know… Your chest, though…" 

_Ah! So… They kissed, and Iruka was the first to touch. Chest. Hmmm, I'd thought he'd run his hands up his guy's arms… So… He has a thing about pecs? That's kinda sexy…  
_

"Still… " 

"I get it…" 

_I don't… Please, continue. Go on, be my guest, give me more details, guys… This is so_ _ **tame**_ _…  
_

"I eh…" Iruka swallowed.  
 _Isn't he going to take this the wrong way? I mean… The right way…. No, I mean both ways…  
_ "Eh… Sorry I never… Eh…" Izumo looked at him, properly _looked_ at him, a confused expression on his face, but Iruka couldn't continue, couldn't say the words. He returned Izumo's gaze, helplessly. 

"Never what? I don't… Understand…" 

_I do! It's_ _ **so**_ _hard not to laugh right now… This is the_ _ **one**_ _piece of the puzzle I know already. Iruka never quite returned the favor, and he's probably not even sure if he's apologizing for that, or if he's sorry that he never felt it… This is funny, too damned funny!  
_

"I… Eh, never, eh…" Iruka dropped his eyes to the table, mumbling, "What you did for me…" 

"Huh? I… I didn't hear you, Iruka… I'm sorry," The look on Izumo's face closely resembled panic, but he didn't even notice. 

"You… Did _that_ … And I, eh… Never got to… For you, you know?" It was a whisper, but this time, Izumo understood. 

Glancing over at the copy ninja – now examining his kunai – Izumo felt a smirk tug at the corners of his mouth, "We, eh… _Could_ rectify that…" 

Iruka's head shot up, stunned. 

"I mean… Eh," He sounded insecure again, "That is… eh, if you… If you'd want to…" 

_Hmmm? Is he seriously offering to be fuck buddies? That's… So fucking hot. Oh god, I think this time my pants really_ _ **are**_ _getting a little tighter… Don't show anything, let them believe you've gone deaf or something…  
_

Iruka blinked, but said nothing.  
Izumo swallowed, hard.  
Kakashi had to use every ounce of self-control he had not to chuckle. 

"Eh… Iruka…?" 

"Yeah… Uh… I think… Would this be a, eh…" He worried the inside of his lip, "A… A one-time thing…?" 

"It… Eh… Wouldn't _have_ to be… But… I mean, I'd leave that up to you…" 

_Oh. My. God. Shikamaru… Please let me tape that…? We could watch together, it'll be the hottest thing you've ever seen, I guarantee it. And if we watch together, that would still be like… Relationship appropriate, right? Damn, those two would be hot together…  
_

"I don't think I'd mind if it happened more than once," There was now a naughty smile on the sensei's lips, and Kakashi's pants _definitely_ tightened. 

_Oh good lord, the naughty schoolteacher fantasy… Oh boy… No, think of Shikamaru, think of Shikamaru… You love him, he's hot, he's everything you could've ever asked for – well, pretty much. I'd probably have_ _ **asked**_ _for someone over eighteen... Maybe even a little older, but still.  
Oh but Shikamaru…! It's the naughty schoolteacher! You'll forgive me if I get a boner from __**that**_ _, right? Hmmm…. Did you spend your days at the academy daydreaming about the same thing? You said he was cute, right? Well, you agreed with me, still… Damn… Gotta keep my cool here, gotta look inconspicuous…  
_

"Kakashi?" There was a light chuckle in the sensei's voice, "On a scale of one to ten, how embarrassed would I be if I could hear your thoughts right now?" 

_Impossible, I can't pass this up…_  
"Hmmm? About a hundred?" 

"That's off the scale, Kakashi," The strict schoolteacher voice was back, and Kakashi suddenly found his mouth a little too dry. 

Getting up, he sauntered over to the sink, keeping his back turned as he drank from his water, "Off the charts, Iruka. Seriously…" Behind him, he could hear Izumo gasp.  
 _What, did you honestly think I wasn't listening? Am I really that good? Wow, I'm impressed with myself… Or maybe just impressed with your ability to look past the obvious… Hmmm, not sure which one, actually…  
_

"Kakashi… What are you thinking?" 

"Oh, I was just wondering if Izumo honestly forgot I was here…" He couldn't ban the smile out of his voice, pulling up his mask, he turned back. The poor guy was bright-red, and Iruka was frowning, "Sensei? What's wrong?" He asked as innocently as he could possibly manage. 

"I was… Thinking, is all…" Kakashi watched as his friend bit the inside of his cheek, suddenly looking extremely nervous. 

"Iruka, what's up?" Serious now, he walked back to the table, but he didn't sit down. Instead he opted to stand behind the chair, secretly hoping neither had noticed the bulge in his pants yet. 

"I…" He shot a look at Izumo, but his friend only looked confused, he didn't understand Iruka's sudden trepidation either. So the sensei took a deep breath, "I have absolutely _no_ idea what I'm doing, and I don't want to hurt him and I want to make him feel good and I have no idea _how_ ," Pressing his lips tightly shut, Iruka stared at the matchbook, cheeks burning. 

"Ah…" Kakashi's voice was extremely soft, not wanting to make this even harder on his friend. His eye traveled to Izumo, the man sat stiffly, staring off into space, "Izumo, can I safely assume yours is the same situation?" 

The tiniest of nods. 

"Right…" Kakashi nodded to himself, "Well, it's not like I've never done this before," Eye crinkling in amusement, he chuckled a little. 

XOXOX

"No, no I mean the one _behind_ _the bookstore_ ," Kakashi leaned over the little map of Konaha he'd scribbled on a scrap of paper, "Here. Somewhere around here, at least…" 

Iruka squinted at the tiny scribbles, "I thought that was the grocer?" 

"Uh…" Kakashi leaned over again, "Maybe… Anyway, behind the bookstore," He crossed his arms before his chest, a little embarrassed that his map seemed illegible. 

"Which one? There's like… I dunno, fifteen bookstores?" Izumo frowned, the jounin's sketch made absolutely no sense at all… 

"Iruka knows which one I mean, right?" But as he looked at his friend, he saw only confusion, "Oh, _come on!_ Where you bought that dirty magazine that's pretty much been glued to your bedside ever since!" 

Iruka flushed, mumbling something incomprehensible. 

"Well, behind _that_ bookstore. There's a plain grey door in the alley, that is. It's a store. Best place to buy your lube and," He gave them a naughty grin, "Anything else you might require." 

"That's where you bought this?" Izumo gingerly pointed at one of the lube bottles that littered the table around Kakashi's scribbled map. 

"Eh… Not that one, but like I said, I wouldn't recommend it. Not when you're still new to it, at least. I mean… Tingles is nice, _really_ nice, don't get me wrong, but… It also kinda distracts a little from, eh… Well, you know," He concluded, blushing a little.  
 _This wasn't as awkward with Shikamaru! This isn't fair! Why do I have to explain the details of sex to two grown men?! Damn, this isn't what I had in mind when I thought about wanting to learn the details… Oh, who am I kidding… It wouldn't be fair to them to just let them figure everything out on their own, not while there is a perfectly respectable role model present.  
_

Kakashi couldn't help a sarcastic chuckle at his own thoughts, clearing his throat as he found both men looking at him in bewilderment. But before he could explain – _**Wha**_ _t exactly, how do I explain_ _ **that**_ _?! –_ The copy ninja was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

"Ah… Guys, I'm sorry, but that's sort of your cue to leave…" He said slowly, as he got to his feet. 

"Is something wrong?" There was genuine concern in Izumo's voice, but on Iruka's face, realization dawned. 

"Izumo… I think it's personal…" 

"It's fine, Iruka…" He turned to the door, speaking over his shoulder as he walked, knowing how impatient his latest visitor could be, "I had to promise Shikamaru to never skip my therapy. So… Tsunade's here, and I'm going to talk with her. Without you guys in the apartment." 

" _What?!"_

Tsunade chuckled as the first thing she heard when the door opened was Izumo's surprised cry.  
"What's up, brat?" She smirked up at the man, watching as he ran a hand through silver locks, suddenly looking very awkward. 

"I… Eh, well, come in," As he saw her peek into the kitchen, he added, "They were just leaving..." 

"Uhuh… I'll just go ahead, then," She cocked her head in obvious amusement, but Kakashi couldn't for the _life_ of him figure out what was so funny… 

He watched the two chuunin depart, "Iruka," He said softly, "You can fill him in on the basics. Just…" 

"Not the details, I get it," He gave his silver-haired friend a soft smile, "Have a good one, Kakashi." 

He chuckled humorlessly, "Ever been in therapy, Iruka?" 

"Thank god, no!" He smiled back, ushering Izumo out of the apartment, mumbling something about bookstores and plain, grey doors. 

Kakashi closed the door behind them, moving into the kitchen to make some tea before he sat down to talk to Tsunade. He filled the kettle, lit the fire underneath. After setting out the cups, as he waited for the water to boil, he drummed his fingers on the counter, humming a little tune he hadn't heard since he was very little. 

"What's with all the lube here?" 

Turning on his heels, he found Tsunade to be calmly leaning against the doorframe, "I… Eh…"  
He felt the corners of his lips curl up, his vision going black for a moment as his eye crinkled, "We just had a little show and tell." 

"Right…" Walking over to the table, she peered at the little scrap of paper laying in the middle, "What's this?" 

"Hmm? Ah… Apparently I suck at drawing maps…" He rubbed the back of his head a little sheepishly. 

"What were you trying to show, then? We have a gay bar after all?" She cocked her head, looking inquisitive. 

"Not that I know of, Tsunade. But… It's… Can we just keep it at 'private'? Please?" He swallowed, suddenly he had this vivid image of Tsunade coming into that little store, just when he was looking at the assortment of toys. Not that that would actually happen, worst she'd see him buy now was lube… A small sigh escaped him. Having a relationship was so tricky, and he couldn't even ask anyone about it. The only two who knew never had a relationship themselves. They were both still technically virgins, even. 

_Hmmm, but not for much longer, I imagine._  
The copy ninja mused as he poured the tea.  
 _Iruka seemed intent on finding that store ASAP… It's a little strange though… I offered them an unopened bottle… Was that weird? Or was it weird that they didn't want it? I'm not sure… Damn… They're hot together though…_  
He viciously bit back a moan, trying to push the images of the two brunette chuunin together out of his head. 

"Oh, eh, the chair… Could –" 

"I'll take the chair, and then you can tell me what has you so distracted today. It's not like you to be so obvious, Kakashi…" Tsunade sounded thoughtful. 

He followed her into the bedroom, setting her tea down on the desk and his own in the windowsill, he made himself comfortable on the bed. Leaning his back against the wall, his legs pulled up. He sat for a moment, letting his knees slide sideways, both to the left. His hands lay between his upper legs as he looked at the blonde thoughtfully for a few long moments. Finally coming to a conclusion, his voice sounded abruptly through the quiet room, "I'm not distracted, Tsunade. I have no idea where you got _that_ Idea…"


	82. We Will Try This Out Together

AUTHORS NOTE: Smut and cliffhangers… What a _lovely_ combination, don't you agree? *evil grin*

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 82: We Will Try This Out Together 

XOXOX

"This is alright, right?" Iruka bit his lip a little nervously, looking at the older man, "I mean it's –" 

"Your apartment," Izumo smiled a little self-consciously, "Which is actually better, 'cause…" 

"You live next door to –" 

"Don't say his name, please," He interrupted the taller man again, "I don't want to think about that right now. I want to think about… Well," Izumo pulled a little face, "Just open the door, will you?" His hand was tapping his thigh, Izumo was feeling a little impatient. 

Iruka just smiled, turning the lock before stepping aside, "Welcome, I guess…" He motioned for Izumo to go on in, and the other wasted no time in crossing the threshold. After their visit to the little store Kakashi'd pointed out to them, Izumo could feel his blood boiling. The things he'd _seen_!  
Iruka followed him in, toeing off his sandals as Izumo did the same. The taller man was holding a paper bag and Izumo couldn't help a smirk as he thought about the contents of it. They'd gone there to buy lube, yes, but they'd returned with a _lot_ more. Iruka looked at him, blushing as he shoved the bag in Izumo's hands, "Go on, I'll be right there." 

A little confused, Izumo shrugged before turning into Iruka's room. The other man slipped into his bathroom and Izumo almost chuckled.  
 _We're about to fuck and he's actually going to take a piss?  
_

Walking into the room he sat the bag down beside Iruka's low table, swallowing as the implications of what was about to go down right there on that bed started to finally sink in. He could hear running water in the bathroom, frowning he wondered if his friend intended on taking a shower first – should he do the same? But the water was quickly turned off and as Iruka walked into the room Izumo almost chuckled. The younger man's cheeks were a little wet, as was the hair on his forehead. _So he's splashed some cold water on his face, then. It doesn't seem to help his blush any… But, he looks hot like this. All flushed and a little nervous…  
_ Izumo swallowed again.  
 _I wonder if he thinks I look okay…  
_

As Iruka walked over to Izumo in the main room of his apartment, he felt just a little more sure of himself. The cold water probably didn't help his heated cheeks much, but it had cleared his head considerably. Izumo was standing in the middle of the room, beside his table, looking a little lost. Iruka almost chuckled, it wasn't like the guy had never been here before…  
"Izumo…" He bit the inside of his cheek, unsure of what he was going to say, he'd intended to calm the other man down a little, but realized only now that he had absolutely no idea how to do that. 

Izumo smiled a little shyly, "I'm acting like some embarrassed teenager, aren't I?" 

A chuckle escaped the younger man, "Oh, I don't know… Most teenagers _I_ know don't even seem to know the meaning of the word 'embarrassed'…" 

"You talking about Shikamaru?" 

"Hmmm…" Thoughtfully, Iruka tapped his chin, "No, not really… He's… Acting tough around others. I happen to know that's not really… Anyway, it's beside the point," Quickly making a decision, Iruka closed the gap between them, easily stepping into the other's personal space, "Is this okay, Izumo?" 

He swallowed, the sudden close proximity seemed to be evoke a few unexpected reactions on his part. Izumo tried to steady his breathing at least, but found it impossible. His voice cracked as he tried to speak, "Yeah, that's eh, just fine…" Swallowing again, he felt a little helpless.  
 _How come Iruka's so calm? How come he can handle being so close? Is he turned off by me? Is he just so completely not interested that he feels completely fine? Am I_ _ **that**_ _despicable?_

Iruka took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart.  
 _God, he's hot… I can't believe I'm actually this close to him. I know I've touched him before, very much so, but… Damn I'm nervous… No, he's too shy to make the first move, that much is clear. So if I really want this to happen, it's up to me. So… Do I really want this to happen?  
_ He swallowed, studying the face of the man standing only a hair's breath away.  
 _Hell yeah.  
_

Lifting his hand, Iruka gently lifted Izumo's chin a little, softly placing his lips against Izumo's. He'd obviously startled the other man, and Iruka suppressed another chuckle as the one eye that he could see widened. But Izumo didn't pull back, something that Iruka was silently grateful for. It had taken him all his courage just to get _this_ far and if the older man had pulled away now, Iruka wasn't sure if he'd ever muster up the courage to do this again. But as soon as the initial shock wore off, Izumo leaned into the kiss, opening his lips just a little, inviting him in, but too shy to push the younger man into anything he might not want. Iruka took him up on the offer, though, and slowly pushed his tongue out. It still felt weird to him, feeling his tongue brush against another's, but it was a good sort of weird, so he just tried to roll with it. Hands snaked around his waist, and Iruka almost gasped. This felt even weirder, having Izumo hold him, his hands resting on his back as they kissed, feeling the other man press up to him… Iruka could feel himself start to tremble, but still he brought the hand that was uselessly hanging by his side up, bringing it up and around Izumo, pulling the man even tighter against him. He suddenly became awkwardly aware of his other arm, still holding onto Izumo's chin and by doing so, keeping their bodies apart. So he dropped it, wiggling it out from between them to bring it round and meet its counterpart. Izumo immediately pressed even tighter against him, and for the first time in his life, Iruka became aware of another man's erection pushing against his thigh. He pulled out of their slow kiss, panting. Izumo's lips followed his own, placing soft, quick kisses and Iruka could feel his knees starting to give way. 

"Iruka…" He licked his lips nervously, feeling too overwhelmed right now, he rested his head against the younger man's shoulder, "Please tell me you're okay with this…" He could feel him swallow, the taller man's hold increasing even more. 

"I am. I'm… Nervous, but…" 

Izumo nodded against Iruka's shoulder, "Me too…" 

"I noticed," A light chuckle shook him, and he rested his chin upon the other man's head. 

"I'm sorry…" 

Iruka blinked, surprised, "Don't be. I just told you that I'm nervous too, didn't I? Izumo…" He pulled away a little, lifting the other's chin once more. His other hand gently brushed away the hair that always hung over Izumo's right eye, and Iruka smiled softly as he finally caught sight of the man's entire face, "I think we should just… Take it a little slow, no pressure… Is that okay?" 

He nodded, feeling a little more insecure than before because his cover had been pulled away, and at the same time a little more sure of himself because of Iruka's words. As the lack of cover suddenly won over the relief of knowing there would be no pressure, he pulled back, shaking his head a little until the hair fell back over his eye. He gave Iruka a weak smile, "Sorry, I just… Can't really handle it when you pull my hair away…" 

Iruka chuckled, before laughing out loud. Catching Izumo's slightly hurt look, he tried to contain himself again, "I'm sorry, Izumo, I'm not laughing at you, I promise… It's just that I seem to only be able to surround myself with people who keep part of their face covered at all times… I wonder what I'm messing up here," He winked at him, wrapping his arms back around the older man as Izumo's arms were still wrapped around him. 

"Ah…" He spoke very softly, unable to look Iruka in the eyes as he questioned, "Kakashi?" 

"Him too," The younger man's voice was equally soft, "There used to be more…" 

"I see… Does it bother you? My hair, I mean," Shyly, he risked a glance up. Iruka still had that soft smile on his face, a warm smile. He softly shook his head. 

"It doesn't bother me, Izumo. Not at all. I guess I'm just a curious man…" He winked again, and Izumo suddenly found himself panting. 

"Damn, Iruka…" He leaned his forehead back against the taller man's shoulder, "Stop with the damn winks, will ya, I think my legs are about to give out…" 

He could feel Iruka chuckle again, "Then sit down." 

"Where?" His voice trembled, oh how he hated feeling so insecure! 

"Wherever you want, wherever you feel comfortable. No pressure, Izumo," He let go, taking a small step back, thus all but forcing Izumo to let go as well. Chuckling again as the older man's knees all but buckled. He watched Izumo quickly sit down on the nearest floor cushion, and decided to take his place beside him. Reaching out, Iruka grabbed the bag they'd brought along, flashing a little embarrassed smile as he started to empty it out on the table. Izumo let out a quaky breath, but he chose to ignore it for now and allow the man to gather himself a little. Outwardly calm, Iruka placed the items on the table. Three bottles of lube, a small stack of magazines, two 'how-to' books – those had been _particularly_ embarrassing to purchase, and one novel. Well, he _called_ it a novel, what it actually _was_ … Porn. He pulled a little face, blushing at the cover of the thing alone. Izumo chuckled self-consciously, his long fingers gingerly tracing the outline of the picture on the cover. Iruka was the one that had all but insisted on getting it, wanting to see what all the hubbub was about, but that didn't mean that Izumo wasn't curious too. 

He started to fold the bag, suddenly frowning, he unfolded the paper again, sticking his hand in once more, "What's this?" Pulling out a handful of condoms, he chuckled, throwing the older man an embarrassed look, "Did you…?" But Izumo only shook his head, his tongue darting out to lick his lips as a testament to his nervousness. Iruka pulled a little face, "So that guy… Eh…" 

Suddenly, Izumo burst out laughing, clutching at his stomach. After a few minutes, he calmed down, a half-smirk on his face as he looked at Iruka, "We were kinda obvious, huh?" 

"Guess so…" He worried the inside of his lip for a few moments, "Do we need to, eh…?" Embarrassed he waved the hand still holding the condoms slightly. 

Izumo shrugged, looking away, "I don't…" 

"Yeah… Me neither, so…" He got up, dropping the embarrassing packages into a small storage box on his bookshelf, "Unless you…" 

"No, it's fine… I think I'd rather not, actually…" He looked at Iruka properly now, a full smirk on his face, "So… Which one?" He gestured towards the lube bottles. 

Iruka shrugged, "Dunno…" Walking over, he picked one up, studying the label as he hadn't actually been paying too much attention before, "Oh wait… Eh, this one's, eh…" 

"What?" Blinking, he looked up. 

"Remember what, eh… What he said about the tingly one? This is the same, apparently…" 

"Oh… Heh, that's… Not exactly what we were planning on, right?" 

"No…" Placing the bottle back down, he picked up the other two, "Oh, but this seems to be fine… And this one…" Beaming, he looked at the man still sitting at the table, "Two out of three's still pretty good, right?" 

Izumo chuckled, nodding. Staring up at Iruka for a few moments, he cocked his head to the side, "Iruka, sit with me," He said softly, feeling relieved as the man nodded and rejoined him. He placed the two approved lube bottles on the table beside them, seemingly studying Izumo's face. The older man swallowed before taking a deep breath. He brought up both hands, untying the knot in his bandana before placing the item on the table. He took another deep breath, "Iruka… Don't touch it, okay?" He saw the younger man frown lightly in his confusion but ignored it, instead showing him what he meant by softly brushing his bangs behind his ear. Knowing that he would most likely brush them back over his eye again if he got too nervous.. That was what the request had been about. He saw Iruka nod in understanding, his lips forming a perfect little 'o'. 

Izumo almost chuckled, but decided against it, instead leaning forward he intended to make good use of Iruka's already open mouth. The kiss wasn't as soft as the last one had been, and definitely not as slow either, Izumo could hear himself moan softly. And as gentle hands wandered across his chest once more, he got louder. Almost reflexively pushing Iruka down on his back. 

Iruka had been more than a little surprised by the older man's sudden action, but there was _no_ way he was going to complain about something that felt _so_ good. Izumo's hands rested on either side of him, the man's lips attacking his own. Iruka let his hands roam over the older man's chest, his first hesitant touches now becoming increasingly stronger. Even though it was still new, still weird, something about this felt so incredibly _right._ He moaned as Izumo's lips left his, trailing hot kisses along his jaw, his throat, lingering on his pulse. His body jerked, his hands grasping the other man's shirt tightly, "Ah… Izumo, Mmm…" 

Izumo smiled lightly, increasing the pressure just a little. He managed to draw out a long low moan, almost chuckling as Iruka's entire body wiggled under him. The man kept moaning, his hands pulling him down until he lay on top of him. He'd ended up straddling one of Iruka's legs, suppressing another chuckle as he noticed both of the younger man's legs were twitching, all but bouncing up and down. Under him, hips bucked and muscles wiggled around almost violently as Iruka writhed, moaning. The younger man's hands still clenched his shirt tightly and Izumo could not suppress the chuckle that welled up as he heard – and _felt_ – something rip. 

"Oh god!" Bringing up one hand, Iruka covered his mouth, "I'm _so_ sorry! I never meant to tear your shirt like that, I'm sorry!" 

He chuckled again, "Don't worry about it. I've got more…" He smiled down at the scarred man, licking his lips – not in a nervous gesture for once, "It's actually pretty damn _hot_ …" Smiling a little naughtily he added, "Hot _Chocolate_." 

Iruka blinked up at him for a few long seconds, his tone incredulous as he finally spoke, "You're going with _that_ …? Oh, god…" Letting his head fall back, the brunette chuckled, " _Seriously_ …? I _so_ know where you got that from…" 

"So?" He smirked, "Guy had a point." 

Still chuckling, Iruka gently pushed him off, "Lemme breath here…" He sat up, softly shaking his head as chuckles continued to shake his body, "Fine then, if we're going down _that_ road…" He pondered the possibilities for a few moments, before suddenly proclaiming, "Sugar Lips!" 

Izumo snorted, pushing his face against the other's shoulder for a second, looking up again, he chuckled too, "I have _no_ idea where you got _that_ from…" 

"It's 'cause you're always kissing me," Iruka beamed. 

Izumo's face straightened immediately, his voice anxious as he asked, "Is that bad?" 

He shook his head, "No, I like it, but it's a fact, isn't it?" He gingerly touched the pocket that he almost ripped off of Izumo's shirt, " _Really_ like it, as evidence clearly states," A slightly sarcastic smirk on his face as he looked up again. 

"You know… The problem is easily avoided…" Izumo swallowed, nervously licking his lips as he brought his hands to the first button on his shirt, "Don't _stare_ …" 

Shifting his gaze, Iruka mumbled an apology. It was impossible to resist sneaking a glance or two though, as the older man easily stripped of his shirt. Unexpectedly, he heard Izumo chuckle again. 

"Alright, apparently it's impossible to keep your eyes off my body, huh?" 

Iruka smirked, "Maybe…" Looking back, he gave the man a once-over, deliberately slow. 

Izumo licked his lips again, feeling the tension built once more, his voice throaty, "Are you gonna take yours off or what?" He leaned forward a little, most of his weight supported by his hands as he all but touched the younger man, eyes glazed over, lips slightly parted. 

Iruka swallowed, briefly wondering if Izumo had any idea how sexy he looked right now, "Hold on, Tiger," He leaned back just enough to give himself room to open his own buttons, startled as Izumo chuckled again, moving away a little. 

" _Tiger_? What happened to the other one, Hot Chocolate?" 

"Ah…" He drawled the word out, a teasing tone in his voice, "I don't know, maybe a hot guy like you deserves more than one…?" He watched Izumo's eyes widen, before the older man softly shook his head, covering up his right eye once more, "Izumo, I didn't mean to – " 

"It's fine," Lifting one hand to brush his bangs back to the side he smiled at Iruka, trying to ignore his burning cheeks, "Come on, Iruka, take it off…" 

He nodded, biting his lip as he felt a little embarrassed by the older man's lingering gaze, realizing this was what he had put Izumo through as well. But he undid the buttons, tossing the shirt aside. He could hear Izumo panting, could feel his own breath becoming shallower and more erratic by the second. He swallowed. Without looking, he grabbed one of the lube bottles, getting to his feet. He extended his hand to the man on the floor, and as Izumo quickly took it, he pulled him up. Softly pulling him along as he took the few steps to his bed. Sitting down, he gently tugged on Izumo's hand, causing the man to inadvertently trip, literally falling into Iruka's lap. As he fell, the older man automatically wrapped his arms around him, thus landing on Iruka's lap, straddling him while his arms were around the younger man's neck. Iruka blinked, "Well… That could've ended a lot worse…" 

Izumo's voice was hoarse, "Shut up," He pressed his lips against Iruka's once more, pushing the man back like he'd done before. 

Iruka secretly smiled, the memory of how Kakashi'd looked when he said Shikamaru could be _such_ an aggressive lover briefly crossing his mind.  
 _So this was what he was talking about… Can't say I mind, Kakashi. Guess we share that much at least…  
_

The younger man's musings were completely lost on Izumo however, as all that was currently on his mind was the soft but firm body under him, the hands that were once again mapping out his chest, teasing his nipples ever so slightly. He wanted to make Iruka feel good, he wanted Iruka to make him feel good. But most of all, right now, he wanted Iruka to lose the freaking pants to he could finally _see_ him, touch him without feeling obstructed by coarse uniform pants. He wanted _so_ bad to finally be allowed to actually _look_ at another man, to take in the sight. But he dared not ask, and Iruka clearly wasn't following the same train of thought. He let out a frustrated moan, hands twitching on the bed-spread. 

"What's wrong?" Iruka shifted a little, attempting to look the other man in the eyes, but Izumo buried his face against the younger man's neck instead. 

"Nothing," He mumbled. 

Gentle hands lifted his head, cupped his face as Iruka looked into his eyes, "Just tell me, please…" 

His gaze fluttered away, trying to avoid those dark eyes that seemed to be able to peer into his soul, "I just – …" Licking his lips nervously, he pulled out of Iruka's hold, sitting up on his knees. He bit his lip, fingers nervously fiddling with the hem of his own uniform pants. 

"Ah…" A slow, naughty smile crept across the scarred man's face, "I see…" 

"Iruka…" It was a mere whisper, a plea. Thank _god_ it didn't fall on deaf ears. Iruka calmly turned his head away, averting his eyes for the time being. Izumo swallowed again, is breathing erratic as his fingers wrestled with the button before struggling with the zipper. He shifted, moving off the bed to slide the pants down, kicking them to the side as soon as the fabric touched the floor. He gingerly sat back down on the bed, next to Iruka. The younger man's head was still turned away as he sat down, but slowly turned back – just a little – as he relaxed a little. Iruka was staring up at the ceiling, suddenly chuckling. 

"Suppose it's my turn." 

Izumo, averted his eyes, but the younger man seemed to realize – even if he couldn't see. 

"I don't mind, Izumo. Just… Don't touch me yet, okay?" 

The older man quickly voiced his agreement, this was already more than he'd expected after all, licking his lips expectantly as tanned fingers undid the buckle, the button, the zipper. Hips were lifted slightly – Izumo gulped, the action seemed almost obscene to him – And pants and briefs were pulled down together. Sitting up, Iruka pushed them off the rest of the way, finally meeting Izumo's gaze, chuckling. 

"Enjoying the show?" 

"Uhuh…" He cleared his throat, but that didn't help him, Izumo just really didn't know _what_ to say at this point. But Iruka only smiled, that soft little smile that somehow made his heart melt. The younger man leaned over now, quickly capturing his lips in a languid kiss, pulling him back to lay on the bed. Hands brushed over his chest, and he moaned again. 

Iruka smiled against soft lips.  
 _Guess I'm doing alright here._  
Shifting, he straddled the other man, sitting on his knees while his chest all but touched Izumo's, hands resting on either side of the other man. He suppressed a chuckle at the thought of how he must look right now; Ass up in the air, back arched in a seemingly impossible angle, his arms sharply bent at the elbows to allow the position.  
 _If Izumo could actually_ _ **see**_ _this, he'd completely freak, wouldn't he? He already got so hot when I only moved my hips a little, guy's pretty much all about the visual, huh? I can do that, I just have to find the guts first…_

"Ahmmm, Iruka…" Tentatively, he lifted his hands, stroking the younger man's back. His breath hitching as he realized the way Iruka'd positioned himself. Gingerly following the line of the younger man's body with his fingertips, their kiss completely slipped from Izumo's conscious mind. 

Iruka almost chuckled as a low moan escaped Izumo, his hands carefully tracing the lines of his stretched frame. It was becoming increasingly clear that Izumo's focus was elsewhere, and eventually Iruka gave up on trying to kiss the man. It wasn't like Izumo was even aware of his efforts anymore, and kissing the guy now yielded no more results than making out with your own hand – something Iruka would _never_ admit to having tried… Multiple times. So he just tried to stay still as soft fingers ghosted over his skin, tickling him. That was the last straw, chuckling, he rolled over, "Stop _tickling_ me! I can't –" His eyes widened, his breathing becoming shallow once more. Izumo'd gotten to his knees, biting his lip in a way that looked so seductive that Iruka momentarily forgot how to breathe. He swallowed, his eyes examining the man towering over him, "Izumo…" 

A smirk appeared, and he leaned over, whispering in Iruka's ear, "Let me touch you, Hot Chocolate, let me make you feel good." 

Iruka shivered, feeling goose bumps all over his skin, he nodded, not sure where his voice had gone but certain it wasn't in his body anymore. Izumo seemed to be moving in slow motion – just his slight nod seemed to take forever. As one hand slowly came toward him, Iruka found himself unable to remember how to breathe once again. A soft whimper escaped him as anticipation got the better of the scarred man, but Izumo seemed to misinterpret. Stilling his hand, he regarded him seriously, "You don't have to, Iruka, I – " 

His words got cut off as Iruka's hand suddenly reached out, grabbing him by the wrist before pulling his arm down, hesitating just before Izumo's hand connected to his own, throbbing flesh. Izumo saw the younger man's shallow breaths, saw the tremors that shook him, felt how his wrist was squeezed just a little too tight. It seemed to take an incredible amount of willpower, but Iruka let go of his wrist, gingerly placing his hand atop Izumo's, pushing it down. He gasped, bucking his hips into the touch and Izumo couldn't resist wrapping his fingers around him, moving his hand against the motion of Iruka's hips. 

" _ **Fuck! –**_ _Oh god, keep doing that, for_ _ **cryin' out loud!**_ " 

Startled, Izumo blinked.  
 _Dear lord, the sensei knows dirty words after all…  
_ Instinctively though, his hand kept working the hot flesh, and he almost chuckled as Iruka broke out in another string of swear words – some of which even he hadn't even _heard_ before. He smirked, Iruka seemed to be nothing _but_ surprises… 

It was hard not to touch himself, their long and slightly hesitant foreplay had already brought him to the brink, but he wanted to be able to actually _see_ it this time – not get caught up in his own orgasm like the time before. But apparently, Iruka had been as far gone as he was for it didn't take long at all before Izumo could finally thoroughly enjoy seeing –and _hearing_ , god he was _so_ loud – another man get swept away by the orgasm that _he_ had called forth. He'd dreamed about this, both at night and – secretly – during the day. But the reality proved to be so much better than his imagination could ever be. Izumo felt his mouth go dry, his heart throbbing painfully in his throat as Iruka writhed under him, screaming out his release. For a second, his gaze drifted to his hand – still pumping – and suddenly, Izumo was absolutely _certain_ that he wanted to see Iruka like this again. Every day if possible. Every hour would be even better. No wait, non-stop. He almost chuckled.  
 _I might be getting a little greedy here…_

Iruka panted, his eyes slowly opening, but he closed them again. His voice barely audible as he all but begged Izumo to let go of him now. The hand quickly retreated from his over-sensitive body, and he sighed softly. Opening his eyes a little hesitantly, he gave the older man a shy smile before turning his head away. He felt extremely exposed right now. He _was_ , obviously, but this felt even more exposed than just being naked. Just being naked, together with Izumo, was… A little awkward, but exciting too. This was… Just extremely awkward. He rolled on his stomach, intentionally rolling _towards_ Izumo instead of away from him like he'd _like_ to do right now. Realizing that his sudden embarrassment would make Izumo anxious again. Softly, he spoke, "Don't… _Look_ right now…" He turned his head in order to look at Izumo. The man gave him a soft smile, before sitting down, his gaze resting on Iruka's face. 

"Was that… Good…?" 

Iruka chuckled, his voice becoming a little stronger as he managed to sooth his own embarrassment somewhat, "I think even the neighbors could answer _that_ …" He watched as Izumo chuckled as well, his body finally relaxing again. Slowly, Iruka pushed himself up, sitting down next to the older man. He swallowed, didn't dare look down, but didn't dare look him in the eyes either. So he settled his eyes on Izumo's shoulder, speaking very softly again, "I want you to come inside me, Izumo. But… That's going to take a while. So…" He swallowed, biting his cheek for a second, "Lay down," His eyes darted up for a moment, connecting to Izumo's. The man didn't do as asked, instead leaning over to kiss Iruka on the lips, softly, slowly. A hand caressed his arm, moving up to his shoulder, brushing past his neck before finally cupping the side of his face. Gently, Izumo pulled him in a little closer, increasing the pressure on their joined lips slightly. Iruka could feel the other man mumbling against his lips. 

"It's okay, Choco. No pressure, remember?" 

He pulled away a little, whispering, "I _want_ you inside me…" 

Izumo smiled, before chuckling lightly, "That much, I gathered. But you're scared of the other thing, aren't you?" He spoke softly, his expression devoid of any and all judgment. 

Iruka sighed softly before conceding, "A little…" 

"Like we agreed, Choco, no pressure." 

"But… By now you got to, eh… " 

"Doesn't matter," He gave the younger man a quick peck on the lips, "You've been trying to put me at ease ever since we came in, allow me to return the favor," He pulled a little face, "Even if I don't know how…" 

Iruka chuckled lightly, "Neither did I…" 

Amused, Izumo leaned back on his hands, giving away a decent impression of Maito Gai, "I am impressed with your instincts, my youthful friend!" As he'd hoped, his little show had broken the tension, and as Iruka doubled over laughing, Izumo joined him. 

"Oh gosh…" 

_So he's back to chaste words again? Aww, it's_ _ **so**_ _cute!  
_

Iruka looked up at him from his place on the bed, still chuckling, "Don't _ever_ bring _that_ guy up during sex again!" 

Feigning innocence, Izumo replied in a light tone, "Why not?" 

Exasperated, he stared, " _Seriously?_ " 

"Seriously," Nodding excessively, he opened his eyes wide, "Spandex my man, man's way of shouting; I'm not naked! I'm wearing something green that's completely skin-tight!" 

Iruka chuckled again, "Not much to see, though…" 

"Yeah… That part's kind of a bummer," He sounded disappointed, but his eyes were shining with amusement. Amusement that quickly faded as Iruka pushed himself up once more, pressing his body against his side, his fingers drawing little figures on Izumo's chest. 

"You sure it's alright? If I don't…" 

He softly grabbed Iruka's hand, stilling it, "I'm sure. Although you _did_ sort of make a good point… So, eh…" He licked his lips, suddenly feeling nervous again, "I'm not gonna ask you not to look," A small chuckle, "You wouldn't be able to, anyway, but…"His tongue flicked out again, "Don't… Don't be too obvious, okay? Last time I got caught jerking off kind of ended in a very miserable way, so…" 

Iruka cocked his head, sounding thoughtful, "Maybe… But if you _hadn't_ , we wouldn't be doing any of this right now…" 

A shy smile appeared on Izumo's face, "Okay, so that's the part that I _don't_ regret. What I _do_ regret is having to spent the afternoon in Asuma's apartment, drinking the most disgusting tea I've _ever_ tasted while basically being interrogated by two guys who have _no_ idea…" He sighed, "Whatever, water under the bridge…" Gently pushing Iruka back a little, he lay himself down on the bed, taking a deep breath as he felt Iruka's eyes burn. But, as he sneaked a peek, he realized the younger man wasn't even _looking_ at him.  
 _Just nerves, then. Ah well… Kind of a shame that he's not… But, I guess it doesn't matter as much, especially given the fact that he actually told me he wants me to…_  
He swallowed, trying to imagine how that would feel – not like it was the first time he'd done this while pondering that question… 

Iruka tried his best not to stare as Izumo lay down. Swallowing, he studied one of the drawings that hung over his bed. This one was made by Ino and Sakura, before they apparently had that huge fight over who was going to get Sasuke. Back when they were cute little girls that didn't barge in here to study his dirty magazines, that didn't need him to explain why boys sometimes didn't want them to touch them. The thoughts distracted him a little, which was good, because he _really_ didn't want to make Izumo uncomfortable again. But as the older man let out a low moan, Iruka found that even the most adorable children's drawing could not hold his attention, his eyes irresistibly drawn to the man panting on his bed. A soft moan escaped his own throat, and for a moment he worried that he would startle Izumo, but apparently the guy hadn't even heard him.  
Iruka swallowed hard. Swallowed even harder as he watched Izumo's body convulse, his voice almost screeching as he cried out. Most of it was too unarticulated to understand, but Iruka could make out a _few_ words nonetheless, wincing as he realized Izumo had cried out 'Kotetsu, I love you.'  
 _Poor guy… Poor, poor guy…_  
He sighed quietly. 

As Izumo slowly came back to his senses, he found Iruka's lips on him, caressing his chest, teasing his nipples, he sighed, this felt good. Softly, he brushed his hand over brown locks, receiving a questioning look in return. He smiled, "That feels amazing…"  
Iruka chuckled softly, continuing his ministrations for a little while longer until Izumo decided he couldn't handle it anymore. Gently pushing the younger man off, he sat up, "Iruka… Are you still sure you want this?" He bit his lip for a second, "Look, if you don't, or if you want to wait, I'm fine with that, okay?"  
 _That's a filthy lie… No pressure, remember? If I push him now, I may never get a second chance. If I scare him, or make him feel like he_ _ **has**_ _to… What if he changes his mind and wants to reverse it? Oh god, please no… No pressure… Leave it up to him, doesn't really matter how_ _ **you**_ _feel about this, it's_ _ **his**_ _ass you want to get into. Besides –  
_

His thoughts were interrupted by Iruka's amused chuckle, "You're obviously _not_ fine with that, Izumo. But that doesn't matter, because I still want to. I'm not chickening out. But…" He swallowed, worrying the inside of his lip, "Be gentle, okay?" 

Izumo nodded, trying to remember everything that Kakashi had explained about this part. A small frown appeared on his face, it was a _lot_ of information to sort through, and he had been a little hesitant to think about it before, feeling apprehensive at the thought that Iruka might want to get inside of _him._ Again, Iruka chuckled. 

"You trying to sort it all out in your head?" 

He nodded, "I don't want to fuck this up, Iruka…" 

"I know, we'll figure it out together though, okay?" 

Another nod from the older man, another chuckle from Iruka, this one sounded rather nervous, "Hey, at least we've already met the first three requirements, right? There's two of us, we have lube, and…" He blushed fiercely, turning his head away, as he mumbled, "He _did_ say it was best if I'd get off at least _once_ before…" 

Izumo's breath hitched as suddenly, realization hit him, "You've been _aiming_ at this!" 

Iruka looked back at him, a shy smile on his face. His tone was serious as he explained, "Not from the get-go. I was just as anxious as you. But… You pushed me down," He gestured toward the pillows on the floor, now scattered around, "And… I don't know, it felt… _right._ To have you above me, I mean. So I… Started working towards a goal, I guess. I don't think I could've gotten so far if I'd still be feeling so anxious about it. I'm still a little though, so… " He swallowed again, "Be gentle."


	83. Focus, Kakashi!

AUTHORS NOTE: And there you have it… Poor Kakashi has troubles again… (Also: Why does he even read those pervy books?) Let me know what you think, guys! I'd _love_ to hear (/read, whatever) it! 

Thank you for your awesome Beta Mswan0117! I know it wasn't easy…

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 83: Focus, Kakashi! 

"I'm not distracted, Tsunade. I have no idea where you got _that_ Idea…" 

She almost frowned, but then thought better of it, "Kakashi… Come on… Could you at least not lie to me?" 

"Okay, fine. But… It's nothing bad, I promise. I just… It actually has _nothing_ to do with me, whatsoever… And… It's," He pulled a face behind the mask, " _Personal_ …" 

"You wish it wasn't?" Clearly amused, Tsunade reached for her tea.  
 _I think I'm starting to get the picture here…  
_

"It doesn't matter, Tsunade. Let's just… Focus on something else, because really, this isn't either of our business, so…" 

"Alright," _Let's see how long you manage…_ "Yesterday we spoke about Asuma, and… Some painful memories, is there something you want to look back on?" 

He shivered, "No, thank you… I wouldn't even if I had enough whisky to off myself after…" 

"Kakashi," She sounded alarmed, "Is that something you're thinking about?" 

His eye widened, "I… Uh… No, I swear! I just… Used to. A lot. It's… Still sorta… Stuck? I guess… I don't _want_ to anymore, but… I've been thinking about it for so long that, sometimes, it just sort of… Pops up. But I don't feel anything when I think about it, like, I don't _want_ to. It's just… Like, a song that's stuck in your head, eventually you don't really notice it anymore, but all of the sudden you can just hum a few notes of it. Without realizing, without actually _feeling_ anything, even if the song is… Sad," He ended weakly, "Did that make sense?" 

"Yes, it did. And I'm _really_ happy to hear that you don't want to kill yourself. Even though I was pretty sure you wouldn't, the thought that you might _want_ to… I'll be honest, it did occur to me, several times." 

"You never asked about it…" His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper, his eyes trained on his knees. 

"No, I guess I was a little afraid of how you'd answer me." 

"Yeah…"  
 _I know this is serious, and Tsunade was probably even more worried about me than I realized, but…  
_ The man swallowed.  
 _I keep seeing Iruka and Izumo… Making out, touching each other. Damn, it's not like I'm not getting laid or anything! I get plenty! Well… Less than before If I'm completely honest… But, it's a lot better now, that should count for something, right? Hmmm… Shikamaru's dominant side…  
_ He bit his lip, hard enough to pierce the skin.  
 _Damnit! I was just about to… to_ _ **moan**_ _! To fucking_ _ **moan**_ _in front of Tsunade! Argh, get it together, Kakashi!  
_

Tsunade looked on with hidden amusement as the man on the bed wrestled to get himself back under control.  
 _So… No matter how grave the subject… He's too distracted.  
_ "Kakashi." 

"Huh?" Eye wide, he looked up. 

"What did I just ask you, Kakashi?"  
 _Absolutely nothing, but I'm pretty damn sure you have no clue…  
_

"Eh… I… Uhm, I guess… I might be a little more distracted than I thought… I'm sorry," He swallowed, thoroughly ashamed of himself. 

"It's okay. You really sure you can't talk about it with me?" Cocking her head to the side, the blonde did her best to keep the amusement off her face. 

" _No!_ " He was shocked, not so much at the question, but at the images that immediately flooded his mind. Talking about this with _anyone_ would be bad at this point, and, even though Kakashi was _known_ for being a pervert… Tsunade didn't need to hear the details of that… She didn't _ever_ need to find out that he was imagining his best friends first time with another man… Iruka's first time _ever, "_ I'm sorry, Tsunade, I don't know what came over me…" 

She chuckled, pointing, "A blush." 

"Huh?" Bringing up one hand, he felt how his cheeks were hot even above the mask, it embarrassed him more than he'd ever imagined it would. Blushing in front of Tsunade hadn't really been a problem before, but… The _reason_ for the blush was… Well.  
So, instinctively, he retreated, sounding verygrumpy all of the sudden, "Oh, please. Not like you've never seen it before." 

"True. But usually, I know why…" She quirked one eyebrow. 

_Oh, shut up, woman!  
_ "It's not important. I told you."  
 _Now back off, will ya? This is bad enough without your incessant prodding.  
_

_I think this is actually the most embarrassed I've ever seen the brat… Let's rattle his cage and see what falls out, shall we?  
_ "So, to you, Iruka and Izumo getting hot and heavy together isn't important?" 

He flushed an even brighter shade of red, frozen like a deer in the headlights, "Tsunade…" He called her name slowly, letting out a quaky breath. 

"What?" Innocence, the word was pure innocence. 

He swallowed, still frozen in place, "Please…" 

"Please what, Kakashi? Please repeat the question?" She continued before he had a chance to protest, "Iruka and Izumo doing the naughty, them knocking boots, taking each other's meat injection, all that, doesn't faze you in the slightest?" 

"Please…" He swallowed again, "He's my best friend, Tsunade… I can't…" 

She leaned over then, eyes searching what little of his face was uncovered, "So you're desperately trying _not_ to think about it?" 

He nodded, biting down on his lip again. She could see it through the mask, could also see the dark stain forming on the blue fabric, "Kakashi," Despite her best efforts, a chuckle escaped her, "I'm beginning to think that might be impossible for you." 

"Please… I-I care about him. This is wrong. I shouldn't…" 

"Do you think that Iruka doesn't realize that you'd think about it?" 

Another attempt to swallow away the lump in his throat, she was actually starting to feel a little sorry for the man, "I think… I think I should… Respect their privacy…" 

She smirked, unwillingly so, "How's that working out for ya?" Another chuckle. Even though she _did_ feel sorry for him, really did, it was immensely funny to see the pervert of Konoha attempt such a thing. 

"Not well," He literally had to _force_ words out. 

"Then why not get it out of your system? Then, after –" 

"There won't _be_ an after, Tsunade," His voice sounded grave, "I let this in, and it's _never_ going to go away again…" 

"I'll just assume you're speaking from experience," A small nod, "Which, I have to admit, makes me curious…" 

He swallowed again, "Can't we just keep it at Kakashi is a pervert? I really don't want you to see that part of me…" 

"It embarrasses you?" 

"Yes…" His tone was soft, barely audible, "It embarrasses the fucking shit out of me… Because you actually seem to think _good_ things about me, and I can't… I can't fuck that up…" 

"You wouldn't. I'd still be thinking highly of you, Kakashi." 

"You wouldn't… Trust me…" He looked away, chewing on his bleeding lip. He didn't even seem to notice as the dark stain on the mask steadily grew larger. 

She chuckled softly, "I've read Jiraiya's books, you know. I've known the guy forever. Are you actually saying that you think you can still shock me?" One eyebrow quirked, a smirk on her face, she still regarded the man before her seriously. 

"He… Writes about girls." 

"He does. Which is why it still surprises me _you're_ so addicted to his books… But still," She picked up an orange book from the desk, turning it over and over in her hands. 

"Genma gave me that… Day after my twenty-second birthday… 'Cause I… They tried to get me a girl that night. I almost blew my cover, but Genma…." He swallowed again.  
To Tsunade, it was clear that he'd had some pretty specific thoughts about the guy, but she didn't ask, instead waiting for him to continue, "He said something like… 'It helps to know what they like,' Or some other stupid thing, but… _Whatever_ ," He spat the word out, suddenly disgusted with himself. Turning away from her, he moved to lay on his back, hands folded behind his head, one knee pulled up, he stared up at the ceiling. Tsunade was just glad he didn't reach for a fag, yet. It meant that he didn't feel like he was crumbling right now.  
"Anyway… Jiraiya is… Soft. I'm more… Hardcore, usually. That's basically why I read it, to remind myself of what's acceptable, and what's… Way out of bounds. And either way, it's something to do…" 

"Do you think you'd get bored otherwise?" This seemed… A little hard to believe. 

"No… Not bored. Monstrous. Like I said, hardcore. But… You shouldn't hear about that." 

"Why not?" 

"Because… It's not something one discusses with a Lady," He gave her a weak smile, "And it's not something I should be thinking about at all…" 

"Why not?" 

He stilled completely, barely breathing for a full five minutes. She recognized the pattern, it was taught to shinobi in order to deal with immense pain.  
 _Does he realize he's using that pattern right now? Is it on purpose? Is he really in pain? Psychological? Or even physical? I know he probably takes care of his own needs, but… If you've been living like a sexual predator for the better part of your life…_ _ **Can**_ _you even take care of needs like that?  
_

"Tsunade…" His voice was only a murmur, and she had to concentrate to understand him, "When I think about that… It hurts. Physically hurts. It makes me want things that I know I can't have, can't do. Can't force others to participate in."  
 _Especially not Shikamaru. He's still so innocent. I can't. I love that he dominates me sometimes, but I can't force him to do that all the time, that's not what he wants or needs, and, actually, I don't want or need it either. Just, right now, I wish that he would… Hurt me.  
_ "I don't even really want it anymore… But… When I think about it, _really_ think about it, I start to forget. Forget why it's bad, forget why I don't want to. Forget that I outgrew it. And… I can't –"  
 _No, don't mention his name, don't say you don't want to force your boyfriend into a relationship like that, she can't know about him. You_ _ **promised**_ _.  
_

She swallowed back the tears, she felt for the guy, really did. But still, she had to ask, "Where does it hurt, Kakashi?" 

He shot her an incredulous look, "Seriously?" 

A comforting smile, "Seriously." 

He sighed, dropping an arm over his forehead, "Everywhere. It hurts pretty much everywhere. My heart burns, my stomach churns, my insides are on fire… And… You know…" 

"I guess I can extrapolate from there… Why does your heart hurt?" 

He was crying now, she could tell, "It hurts because I… I don't want to be this person. I don't _want_ to find gratification in pain, whether it be my own or someone else's. And… Right now, it feels like it should be someone else's. And that's wrong. That's so horribly wrong that it makes me sick to my stomach." 

"What would you do to him?" Her tentative voice was soft, no judgment. 

"Hurt him." 

"How?" 

He swallowed, turning away from her so he lay on his side, facing the wall, "Tie him up, gag him. Force his shoulders back, then lay him on his back," She winced involuntarily, "Fuck him hard, make him cry. I'd feel better for about ten minutes after that…" 

"Ten minutes?" 

"More if I hurt him more. But no more than an hour. And the more pain I inflict, the worse it'll be after…"

"And if it were you?" She asked softly. 

"More. More pain. Beyond what I can take."  
 _But I could never ask that of Shikamaru… Never.  
_

"How much can you take?" 

"More than most." 

"It's a different kind of pain, isn't it?" 

"Yeah… I…" He closed his eyes for a second, "Please stop. This… Hurts too much." 

She remained quiet, and so did he. Eventually, after almost thirty minutes had passed, he turned back to her, sitting up, he gave the woman a sideways glance, muttering, "Please don't ever ask about it again…" 

"Kakashi –" 

"I'm _serious!"_ Furious, he stared at her, "You have no _fucking_ clue!" 

She tried to keep herself under control, but she wasn't so much angry, or even concerned. The look in his eye, it actually _frightened_ her. So much so that she could barely speak, "No, I don't. But unless I do, I can't help you with it. And you _need_ the help, Kakashi." 

He turned away from her again, stiffly, "I have help. Just not yours. Deal with it." 

"Shikamaru?" 

"D'you think I'd saddle a fifteen-year-old with this?"  
 _I would, I_ _ **am**_ _. But compared to just fucking him, that's… So much worse.  
_ "Look Tsunade, either drop it, or get out. Preferably both," His tone was harsh, he couldn't deal with her anymore. Not like this. Not when he needed – _No, don't think about it!_

"How about neither?" 

"How about I rip your guts out?" His voice was pure ice, cold hatred in the eye that regarded her like she was nothing, nothing but a body for him to rip apart. She shuddered. 

"How about you try to calm down?" 

" _How about you leave so I can do just that?!"_ He yelled, feeling as if he would break at any moment now. 

She stood, stiffly, "Fine. But I'll be back later. We're not done yet, Kakashi. Not by a long shot." 


	84. Phase Two: Insertion

AUTHORS NOTE: Wow… six-thousand words of smut. Hope you'll enjoy! Let me know what you think, okay? 

Thank you _**so**_ much Mswan0117 for correcting my horrible sentences, checking my grammar and making me fall out of my chair laughing!

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 84: Phase Two: Insertion 

XOXOX

"It felt… _right._ To have you above me, I mean. So I… Started working towards a goal, I guess. I don't think I could've gotten so far if I'd still be feeling so anxious about it. I'm still a little though, so… " He swallowed again, "Be gentle." 

Izumo nodded, secretly looking around for the lube bottle, startled as Iruka chuckled again. 

"Looking for this?" He held up the bottle, "We were sort of about to crush it, so I pushed it away a little," He smiled a little self-consciously before handing the item over. Taking a deep breath, he moved back on the bed, laying his head on the pillow. Swallowing as he looked up at Izumo, still sitting on the edge of the bed, "You, eh… You might be a little far away, there…" 

"Right," Moving to lay beside the younger man, Izumo tried to work out how to go about this, absentmindedly brushing his hair back over his eye. He gingerly eyed Iruka's body, laying in the middle of the queen-sized bed. Iruka softy smiled up at him, trying to swallow his nerves away. Smiling back, Izumo decided it was probably better to get the mood back up first, leaning over to kiss the younger man. 

As Izumo leaned over, Iruka instantly understood the other man's reasoning, and a wave of relief crashed over him. He really _did_ want this, but he also remembered Kakashi specifically telling them that being relaxed was key. And kissing Izumo seemed to really relax him. So he eagerly kissed back, wrapping his arms around the older man, pulling him closer. As Izumo shifted, straddling him once again, Iruka moaned. This really just felt _right_. When they pulled apart, both panting, Izumo sat up on his knees. 

"Iruka… I'm going to try, okay?" As the younger man nodded, he moved back a little, straddling one leg, but placing most of his body in between Iruka's tanned legs. He squirted a fair amount of lube on his hand, his eyes widening a little as he remembered – _just_ in time – to warm the lube up some first. Iruka was watching his every move with an intensity that was almost scary, but he realized that was to be expected – if he messed up… As his hand slowly moved down, Iruka shifted a little, providing him with better access. For a brief moment Izumo wondered if the younger man _really_ hadn't done this before. He seemed to be so calm, the way that he moved to accommodate for Izumo's hesitant actions seemed so natural. His own movements crude in comparison. But he quickly shook the thought, he would need to focus on this. If he hurt Iruka now, he would most likely never get a second chance. 

Iruka moaned as slightly cold fingers stroked him, in the back of his head he hoped that Izumo would remember Kakashi's words _, 'Don't plunge in straight away, give him a little time to get used to just feeling your touch_.' It seemed he did, as the older man gently brushed over his skin, his fingers exploring Iruka's body. He swallowed, feeling a little awkward all of the sudden.  
 _Okay, deep breaths… I just never really realized he was going to be touching me all over… I know it's the right way to do this, and it feels pretty damn amazing but… It's kind of hard to enjoy it when I keep thinking that he's…_ _ **Touching**_ _me,_ _ **watching**_ _me… Wait, all about the visual, right? So, give him a show. Take your mind off the fact that someone's fondling your most private regions and just… Give him a show._

He swallowed again.  
 _Great plan, Iruka. But how?  
_

But the puzzle was solved for him when Izumo's fingers found a spot that apparently made his body move on its own. Arching his back, Iruka gasped, moaning as the other man seemed to take the hint and let his fingers brush over that spot once again. 

"Oh _fuck_ … That's… _Ah,_ shit, that's good…" Panting, he opened his eyes, not recalling ever closing them in the first place. He found the older man smirking at him, his hand stilled for the moment. 

"Like that, Choco?" 

" _Damn_ …" He whispered, his voice refusing to sound stronger, "Fucking awesome…" Taking a deep breath, Iruka came to a decision, "Sugar, t-try it, okay? I... I want to…" He swallowed, scared but still wanting this _so_ bad, _especially_ now, "One finger first, right?" 

"One first," He slowly moved his hand again, surprised that Iruka'd actually asked him to do this. But at the same time he realized he really shouldn't be surprised, wasn't Iruka the one that had been calling all the shots since they left the copy ninja's apartment?  
 _Still, this is amazing. Besides, I shouldn't complain, I'm getting inside of him, aren't I? And he actually_ _ **wants**_ _me to. He wants me to so bad he's been working up to this all this time. Now all I have to do is pull this off perfectly and he'll let me do it again, right?  
_

As he gently pushed up against Iruka's entrance, Izumo was amazed to feel his finger get sucked in, welcomed by the tanned body under him. His eyes lingering on the strange sight, he licked his lips in anticipation.  
 _My dick's going in there later, if just my finger gets pulled in like that, imagine how_ _ **that'll**_ _feel… Now don't get impatient, take a deep breath. If you hurry, you're gonna hurt him. If you hurt him, that's the end of all things related to fucking Iruka. So whatever you do, stay_ _ **calm**_ _.  
_

Iruka moaned, scrunching his eyes closed tightly as he felt Izumo's finger slip in.  
 _Okay…_ _ **Not**_ _exactly comfortable… Kakashi warned me for this, stay calm. Just take a deep breath.  
_

Taking a couple of deep breaths, Izumo completely forgot about anything else for a few moments, his finger completely still. When he finally managed to calm his thumping heart a little, his eyes sought Iruka's. The younger man was looking up at him with a soft expression on his face, a small smile tucking at the corners of his mouth.  
 _Damn, he looks gorgeous. Oh,_ _ **fuck**_ _! I forgot all about moving for a second there!_

Right after Izumo'd slipped in, his finger stilled. Something Iruka was immensely grateful for.  
 _Thank god he remembered! I seriously need a moment here…_  
As he slowly felt his body adjusting to the weird feeling of having something – _someone_ – shoved up his ass, Izumo looked at him, awe spread clearly across his face. He smiled, this was starting to feel pretty damn good. His voice still a whisper, he spoke, "Try moving, Sugar Lips. See how it feels, okay?" 

_See? He was waiting for me and I fucked up! Damn, okay, nice and slow, right? Nice and slow.  
_ His finger was only a little ways inside, so he first pushed it in further, making Iruka moan softly, "This good?"  
The younger man nodded, and he pulled back again, pushing back in just a little faster this time, drawing another moan out of the man laying under him. 

Izumo'd started out slow, but his pace gradually quickened, it felt good, albeit still a little weird. Iruka found himself panting, moaning softly. Unsure at what point to ask for more, he stayed quiet, not wanting to rush and cause this good feeling to turn into discomfort again or – god forbid – even pain. 

_So, eh… How long do I do this? Until he says it's okay to go with more, or do I just… Try it? Like, if he doesn't know it's coming, he can't tense up right? And the tensing up thing is what would make it hurt, so… But at the same time, if I go too fast and scare him, I'm never getting another chance. And I want_ _ **so**_ _bad to put my dick in there, it's just not even funny anymore. I feel like if I wait any longer my balls are gonna burst, but… Stay calm, nice and slow. Nice and slow…  
_

Iruka moaned softly, on one hand, he wanted more, but at the same time…  
 _This is so fucking scary! Kakashi never said anything about this being scary! Sex was supposed to feel good, right? Only good? Not this 'oh my god I think I'm gonna pass out thing', that's just not fair…  
_

"Choco? This still good?" 

He swallowed, nodding.  
 _Well, now or never, I guess._  
"Try one more?" 

_Yes! We're getting there, slowly but surely, we're getting there!  
_ Easing his finger out, he quickly added a little extra lube, just because it couldn't hurt to be careful. Then, holding two fingers together, Izumo slid back in, going as slow as he could manage in his excitement over the progress made. 

"Oh god, that's cold…" Iruka could feel his body tense up, and nothing he did seemed to diminish that in any way. Scared now, he tried to move away, but Izumo wouldn't let him. His fingers stilled but securely in place as he apologized for forgetting to warm the lube back up. Iruka bit back a snappy retort, it wasn't so much the cold that got him – that had just been a little shock. But actually, this hurt. And it only seemed to hurt more as time went on. Searching for a way out, his mind provided him with the perfect excuse for a small reprieve, "Warm it, Izumo, this is _cold_ …" He knew he sounded whiney, but really, the only _other_ option right now would be sounding downright mean, so Izumo would just have to deal with it. 

Feeling more than a little guilty, Izumo pulled his fingers back, rubbing his hands together once more so the lube wouldn't feel so cold.  
 _No wonder though… He's so_ _ **warm**_ _inside… I just hope he's going to let me go on, I know I fucked up, but… Oh god I hope he's going to let me go on!  
_

As the intrusion disappeared from his body, Iruka sighed softly.  
 _Okay… So I bought myself a little time. And that's all I accomplished. Do I really still want to go through with this? It's embarrassing, it's awkward and it freaking_ _ **hurts**_ _…. But… I want this. I know it's going to be better once I get used to it, and it felt so amazing just now… I really want to try this. But I'm scared…  
_

Taking a deep breath, his eyes sought Izumo's, the older man was just pulling his hands apart once more.  
 _Just in time! Okay, now… Time to be brave, Iruka.  
_ "Izumo, listen. I need you to go slow, okay? Before, that felt amazing, _really_ , but…" He swallowed, "Two hurts a little, so… I… Eh…" 

_He wants to stop? Oh god, see? I fucked up and I hurt him and I scared him and now it's never happening again and I'll never get a second chance but I want to so bad and it's just not fair that he's the only one who gets to decide – oh wait, it is…  
_

He'd seen Izumo's visible eye widen, the older man's thoughts sprawled across his face. Iruka sighed quietly.  
 _Seriously… This has to be the most insecure guy I've_ _ **ever**_ _met…  
_ "I'm _not_ saying I want out, Izumo. I'm asking you to go slow, okay? And…" He smiled softly, watching the other man calm down again, "Maybe kiss me again?" His smile turned cheeky, and Iruka even managed to wink in a – hopefully – seductive manner. 

Izumo chuckled lightly, leaning over the younger man to grant his request, "You're really into this kissing thing, aren't you Choco?" 

"Oh, _yeah_ …" Smiling, he captured Izumo's lips, moaning softly as he felt fingers brush around his entrance once again. 

He mumbled against Iruka's lips, "Is this okay, Choco?"  
 _That way, you're relaxed and I get to hurry this up just a little… Win-win, right?  
_

Iruka pulled back just a little, "Yeah…" It was only a breath, but he had a pretty good idea of exactly _what_ he was consenting to right now. Izumo would kiss him, and at the same time his fingers would move inside of his body again. Iruka swallowed, it was a still a little daunting, but the idea was actually brilliant.  
 _Kissing him relaxes me, and his fingers tense me up… Let's see if they can't cancel each other out, shall we?  
_

Izumo swallowed, hiding his nerves by recapturing Iruka's lips, kissing him feverishly for a few seconds before easing up again. Their lips still locked, his hand started searching for the puckered hole that promised heaven. It was a little difficult to focus on both, but he figured he would just have to try harder.  
 _It's starting to look like this is the only way it's ever going to happen, after all…  
_ To be on the safe side, and not have Iruka quit on him after all, Izumo started out with just one finger again, gently working up a pace as Iruka moaned softly. 

"Ah… Mmmm… Sugar, I… Ah… I think it's alright now… Mmm…" 

_Seriously? Hallelujah! Hang on a minute… He likes kissing me, right? But he got all excited when I kissed his neck, so…  
_ Acting on a hunch, Izumo's lips moved sideways, trailing open-mouthed kisses on the younger man's jaw before dropping to his pulse again. 

_Oh god, that's_ _ **perfect**_ _.  
_ "Ah… Oh, fuck that's good… Mmmm… _Whah!_ " 

Izumo hesitated for a moment. 

"No, it's good, don't stop… This… _Ah…_ " 

He smiled as the younger man's voice trailed off only because he started kissing him again. But Iruka'd said it was good, so his fingers slowly pushed in. Waiting for a few more seconds until Iruka mumbled the okay.  
 _Game-time!  
_

_Okay… This actually feels nice like this. See? All I had to do was relax. It's going to be good, I know it will. Especially if he keeps kissing me like that… Oh man, this is amazing…  
_

Izumo kept it up for as long as his patience allowed him, but eventually he lifted his head a little, placing a few more lingering kisses on the younger man's jaw. Iruka seemed to understand what he wanted to ask, because he nodded. But Izumo didn't want to screw this up _again,_ so he still asked, "Can I try three, Hot Chocolate?" 

" _Ah…_ Yeah… I _want_ you to…" 

_Awesome! I must be pretty good, no? For him to be begging for me like that?  
_ Izumo silently chuckled.  
 _Let's try to not let that go to my head here, huh? Don't get cocky, just get fuckin'… Heh, that sounds pretty damn good if I say so myself.  
_

Feeling the older man's lips back on his pulse, Iruka tried desperately to relax, thinking he was in for more pain. But soon enough he realized that Izumo's lips were doing just that for him once again; He was relaxing into the other man's touch. Feeling a little lightheaded and way too aroused to even _consider_ being afraid. A little embarrassed, the sensei realized he'd been moaning ever since Izumo's lips first connected to his throat, that he was literally _writhing_ under him. But it was all good, it sure _felt_ good at least. He didn't realize that Izumo'd pulled his fingers out, only realized he was pushing back _in_ when there was a slight discomfort in the area that had felt so _amazing_ for – He didn't know how long, _kinda_ long maybe? Either way, it still felt pretty good, just… A little awkward right now. But Iruka figured that by now he should be getting used to 'awkward', so he didn't pay it too much attention. Izumo was slowly working back up to his earlier pace, and that was absolutely _fine_ by him. 

_Okay, so that makes three. And Iruka's moaning just as loud as before, which means he likes it. Right? Moaning good, yelping bad? I think so, so I'm just gonna roll with that. And it's actually not so hard to focus on both my fingers and kissing him like this once you get used to it. Not to mention that I_ _ **really**_ _like kissing him like this. It's easier than kissing him on the lips though, I don't have to focus as much. And he seems to enjoy this more, anyway. And the more he enjoys himself, the sooner he's gonna let me do it, right? Sure, so all I have to do is be patient for just a little longer and it's all gonna be fine. Nah, not fine… If how my fingers are getting sucked in is any indication, it's gonna be fucking_ _ **amazing.**_ _  
_

Iruka knew he was being loud, too loud for his tiny apartment. The neighbors should probably know what was going on by now…  
 _Thank god I live in a corner apartment and that the people next door are so nice…  
_ "Ah… _Fuuuuck…_ So good… _Ah_ …"  
 _The lady across the hall is probably going to complain though… But she always complains anyway…  
_ "Good god… _Ah_ …"  
 _I kinda wanna…  
_ "Fuck…"  
 _I wanna…  
_ "Oh dear lord, oh fuck…"  
 _No way I'm talking… Shit–  
_ "Shit, oh _fuck_ … _Shit…_ " 

Izumo chuckled lightly, his lips had relinquished Iruka's throat a while ago, completely overtaken by the sounds and now the _sight_ of Iruka as well. But the younger man didn't even seem to notice. His voice echoing off the walls, his body moving around wildly. He swallowed, Iruka's erection seemed to draw his gaze and it was actually getting hard not to just jerk the guy off again.  
 _Didn't this start with Iruka wanting me to fuck him? With me wanting to fuck_ _ **him**_ _?_

" _Ah…_ St-stop f-f-f – _Ahah_ …" 

He swallowed, feeling insecurity soar.  
 _Moaning's bad after all?  
_ Stilling his hand, he leaned over the younger man, anxiety on his face as he swallowed again, "Iruka…?" 

" _Ha…ah…_ Shit… Just a… A sec…" He tried to catch his breath, feeling oddly disappointed that Izumo'd actually stopped when he asked him too. Not that he wasn't glad that the man had listened to him, but he kind of wanted that feeling to go on.  
 _Damn, I got so close…  
_

Taking a deep breath, Iruka forced a smile on his lips, "That's so good… Oh god…" He swallowed, looking up at an almost trembling Izumo, "I… Izumo, I want to…" Embarrassed that he couldn't seem to push the words out, he looked away for a few seconds.  
 _If I don't say it, he's never going to get it… Just, swallow your embarrassment and_ _ **say**_ _it already!  
_ Still staring at the wall just below the window, he could only manage a whisper, "No more fingers, Izumo… I want you to put your," He swallowed once more, "Dick in…" 

He blinked.  
 _Wait, what? Really? Yes!  
_ Trying to contain his excitement – and the fistpump that he almost made – Izumo leaned down to kiss Iruka again, to thank him. But the sensei's head was still turned away, his cheeks burning. So he settled for soft peck on the younger man's cheek, chuckling as Iruka turned his head back, eyes wide, "What? I can't kiss your cheek?" He chuckled again, feeling his own cheeks burn bright. 

"Ye-yeah… I just… Didn't expect you to…" He smiled shyly. Bringing one hand up, he softly cupped Izumo's face, gently stroking the older man with his thumb. 

Izumo swallowed, somehow this seemed way more intimate than feeling his fingers move around inside of Iruka, this was… It wasn't sex, this was Iruka _caring_ about him. Or so it felt anyway. Blinking, he brushed his hair out of his face, regarding the younger man with a curious look as he placed his own hand over Iruka's. 

Iruka smiled, "This okay?" 

"Uhuh…" Swallowing, he leaned in a little more, brushing his lips past Iruka's briefly before whispering against them, "Just a little unexpected…" 

Iruka smiled again, feeling his nerves die down more and more. He brought up the hand that was all but caught between their bodies, stroking the inside of the older man's thigh for a little while. Izumo moaned softly, arching into his touch as his breath spilled into the sensei's mouth. He placed a quick kiss on the older man's lower lip, "Sugar, I think you're body might be trying to tell you something…" Gingerly, he brought his hand up a little further, fingers ghosting over a full erection. Izumo gasped, his eyes wide. 

"Ah… Choco… Hmmm…" He tried to bite back his disappointment as Iruka's hand fell back to the bed, "That was good…" 

"Uhuh… What I want you to do next is probably going to feel even better," He winked, shifting a little so there was more room between his legs. Bending his knees, he swallowed, "Come on, Sugar… I need to feel you inside me…" Unconsciously, he repeated Shikamaru's words from that time he'd heard him and Kakashi fuck – it almost seemed a lifetime ago. Blinking, he realized that the young Nara might not be the best person to emulate here, he almost chuckled.  
 _Izumo'd have a heart attack! Shikamaru is_ _ **way**_ _too vocally descriptive for this guy…  
_

_Seriously? He…_ _ **Needs**_ _to feel me…? Huh, see? I'm doing alright here.  
_ A slow smile spread over his face, and he leaned in for one more quick kiss before repositioning himself. Kakashi had been _very_ thorough in explaining this part – well, he'd been very thorough with _every_ part – but he'd told them that if the position, and thus the angle, was wrong this was going to be a disaster. Elaborating on the kind of disaster he was talking about, the copy ninja had regaled the two of them with a story of his own first attempt to change the positions up a little; He'd kept slipping out.  
 _Now_ _ **that**_ _would be embarrassing…  
_

So Izumo took great care to replicate the _exact_ position the older man had explained to them, sliding his legs under Iruka's to lift the sensei's hips a little. He was so preoccupied with doing this that he didn't realize the younger man was chuckling until his entire body shook. 

"Don't you think you're forgetting something, Sugar?" 

_Huh? What?! I got this right, right? I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to slip out –_ _ **God**_ _, I don't want to slip out!  
_

Iruka chuckled again at the other man's clear confusion, but his voice was soft as he explained himself, "The lube, Sugar. Don't forget the lube…" 

"Ah, I'm so sorry!" Shocked and ashamed, he kept apologizing over and over, hands hovering just before his lips. Iruka just chuckled again. 

"Relax… It's not like it's the end of the world, Izumo. I wasn't going to let you go much further without, anyway…" 

"Right… I'm _so_ sorry though…" Swallowing, he reached for the lube. Wincing slightly as the applied the cold substance to his throbbing flesh. He moved his hand a little, warming the lube for Iruka, moaning at his own touch. 

"Whoa there, Tiger… You're gonna do that _inside_ ," Iruka chuckled, somehow this guy managed to be funny and cute and adorable all at the same time while attempting none of those things. Still, his cheeks burned as he replayed his own words back in his head.  
 _Okay… That was embarrassing…  
_

Izumo too, was blushing fiercely. Amusement and embarrassment at the younger man's words fighting for control over his face, "Right… I guess it's warm enough anyway…" He chuckled, adjusting his position slightly as he swallowed. 

Iruka bit the inside of his cheek, he wasn't really sure if he wanted Izumo to hurry up or to go slower as suddenly there seemed to be no escaping what was about to happen. No way to get away from this situation. It was a little scary. He could feel Izumo gently pressing up against him, his eyes searching Iruka's face. He swallowed, but couldn't find his voice. So he nodded, attempting to smile, but realizing it wasn't exactly working. 

"Choco? I… You don't _have_ to…" He sounded insecure. 

Iruka sighed, frustrated, "I _want_ to. I'm just… A little nervous, okay? Stop stalling, will you? It's not exactly helping me much…" 

"Sorry…" 

"Uhuh…" He cleared his throat, "I snapped at you, I'm sorry…" 

Izumo smiled softly, "It's fine. I get it, anyway," Not wanting to 'stall' any longer, he gently pushed a little, amazed at how Iruka's body seemed to suck even something as big as his dick in without any effort. But he tried to go as slow as he possibly could, even though this was completely overwhelming. There was a light frown on Iruka's face, and he could clearly see the younger man biting on his cheek. Wanting to say something but not knowing what to say, Izumo's mouth opened and closed a few times. 

" _Ah…_ Don't worry…" Iruka's voice came out strained, this _really_ hurt, "It'll pass…"  
 _I hope…  
_

Izumo nodded, feeling his balls touch the cleft of Iruka's ass.  
' _And don't you_ _ **dare**_ _move immediately. Wait for him to get used to it. It_ _ **hurts**_ _.' Right… Kakashi warned us, right?  
_ Iruka lay frozen beneath him, eyes scrunched tight. Izumo swallowed.  
 _Damn… I feel so helpless right now. I'm too scared to even lean over and kiss him, because that would be considered moving too, wouldn't it? But I'm hurting him. I'm seriously hurting him here…  
_

_Okay… Deep breaths. Damnit,_ _ **breathe**_ _. You're holding your breath, Iruka, breathe!  
_ Finally, his body responded, sucking in a quaky breath.  
 _Okay… Not exactly what I had in mind… Try again…  
_ The next breath was a little more steady, a little deeper.  
 _Better… Still not really good enough…  
_ Another steady breath, not quite as deep as Iruka'd intended, but it would have to do.  
 _Pain is getting less. Good. Now, open your eyes.  
_ Slowly, they opened. Izumo was trembling above him, and Iruka almost chuckled. But that would probably cause more pain, so he settled on a soft smile instead.  
 _Got to calm him down a little… I must look like hell, right now…  
_

"Sugar, it's okay…" Iruka's voice couldn't even be called a whisper, but Izumo heard him nonetheless, the room was quiet enough; The only sound their slightly quaky breaths. Iruka's voice sounded just a little stronger as he continued, "I'm just going to need a little time here, is that okay?" 

He nodded again, not sure how to reply to that. Of course it was okay, he was _hurting_ Iruka for crying out loud! Moments passed and Izumo found that his hands had decided to move without any conscious decision on his part, softly stroking tanned legs. The body under him was slowly relaxing again, the pained look on the younger man's face fading into slight discomfort. 

Iruka bit his lip, but couldn't stop the chuckle, "This feels _weird_ …" 

Izumo blinked, "Good weird? Or… Or _bad_ weird?" 

Another soft chuckle, "Just weird… I think it's okay, though… Just… A little slow at first, okay?" 

He smiled, not sure if that was because he was happy that he'd finally been given the okay to move, or because Iruka looked so cute. Probably both. But he decided not to dwell on the subject for too long, slowly pulling out a little. Iruka moaned loudly, drowning out his own delighted moan. He risked a glance up. Iruka's eyes had closed again, and a light frown had appeared on his face. But he was also smiling, quietly panting out mild obscenities. A smirk tucked at Izumo's lips. When he pulled out a little past halfway, he stopped. Wanting above all else to save himself the shame of slipping out. After a deep breath, he pushed back in. 

"Ay-oh- _god_ …" Iruka's eyes flew open, staring up at the ceiling for a second before they regained their focus and searched for Izumo's, "That's… Oh lord…" He blinked, staring at Izumo for a few long seconds, "Do that again…" There was a sense of wonder in his voice, his hands coming up to cover the other man's resting on his thighs. 

Izumo chuckled, more than willing to grant the sensei's request. This was the most amazing feeling, surpassing even his wildest fantasies by far. The only thing that could possibly make this better would be to be allowed to go faster. But he recalled his earlier train of thought.  
 _Fuck this up and it's both your first_ _ **and**_ _your last time. Iruka has the reigns, doesn't really matter how you feel about that. Maybe, if he'll let you do this a few more times, you'll be able to go a little faster, see how that feels. Probably even more amazing, but we'll only find out if we're letting Iruka set the pace for now.  
_

Iruka sighed softly.  
 _Oh my god, this is only getting better… Pain's as good as gone, and I don't know exactly_ _ **what's**_ _happening, but every time he moves, the touches something that just feels… Ay, no words…  
_ "Sugar…" He swallowed, feeling a little nervous despite being sure of himself, "A little faster?" 

_Yes! Hallelujah! You got it!_  
"Hah… Yeah… Okay… Hmmm…" 

Iruka smiled at the panted reply, moving one hand to his own member, feeling his orgasm wasn't far off now. Instinctively he knew he needed that little bit extra. 

Increasing his pace just a little, Izumo was sure he was going to faint. Like, right now. Or die. Possibly. This was just too much. Too good. Too fucking _perfect._ Something coiled in his loins and he knew he wasn't going to last much longer. Wanting to feel it at least _once_ before his climax overtook him, Izumo pushed back in even harder this time. 

" _Ay-Oh-My-_ _ **Fucking**_ _-_ _ **God**_ _!_ " Iruka's voice was hoarse from all the times he'd raised it before, echoing off the walls, bouncing around until it met Izumo's cry. 

" _Fuck, fuck, oh, shit-_ _ **Fuck!**_ _"  
_

Iruka could just about figure out that the heaviness on his chest would most likely be Izumo, but after that his mind went blank. 

He blinked, feeling strong arms wrapped around him as he lay sprawled across a man's chest.  
 _Tetsu? No… Iruka. Iruka. He's… Hugging me… And we…  
_ He blinked again.  
 _Good god! We just – Didn't we? We… Fuck, my dick's sensitive…  
_

The man shifted in his arms, moaning softly. He looked up at him, eyes soft, his expression slightly dazed. He gently brushed the hair back from Izumo's face, whispering, "Hey, welcome back, Sugar." 

"Yeah…" He smiled softly, trying to hide the disappointment at realizing this was Iruka, not Tetsu. Pushing himself up a little, he shook his head lightly so his bangs would cover up his eye once more. He moaned, feeling himself slip out completely. Izumo took a deep, shaky breath before rolling over, laying on his back next to the younger man, "Dear lord…" 

As Izumo coaxed his hair back over his face, Iruka had to suppress a sad smile. It really wasn't that he minded, but somehow, the intimacy of what they just did had made him hope just a little. Hope that Izumo would feel safe enough around him, at least when they were… Like _this._ As the older man finally slipped out of him, a low moan escaped his throat.  
 _Okay, I seriously got to find a way to make sure he's out_ _ **before**_ _collapsing. Not that I mind him laying on top of me, I actually think I like that. But it kind of… Stretches. And it's just not so comfortable anymore… I'm sore…Happy, but so sore…_  
He chuckled lightly. 

"Hmmm?" Still feeling a little dreamy, he looked at the younger man, "Wassup?" 

Iruka chuckled again, a little louder this time, before rolling on his side, facing Izumo, " _So_ good, but so, _so_ sore…" He placed a soft kiss on the older man's lips, smiling when Izumo returned it. They kissed slowly, simply enjoying the moment. When eventually, Izumo pulled back a little, he smiled back at him. 

"I'm sorry…" 

"Nah, it's okay," Iruka chuckled lightly, "I knew that was going to happen anyway. I don't mind," He chuckled again, "More like the opposite, really," Turning on his back again, he stretched his muscles, sighing contently. 

"Shit! Iruka!" 

"What?" Alarmed, he looked at Izumo. The man covered his mouth with both hands staring at a point next to Iruka's ass, "What is it?" 

" _Fuck_ man, you're bleeding…" Shocked, he pointed. 

"Oh…" Relaxing again, the sensei chuckled, "Again, we _knew_ that was going to happen. Most likely, anyway…" He yawned, his eyes tiredly looking around for the blanket, he was getting a little cold. But it wasn't on the bed, and Iruka frowned lightly. 

But Izumo didn't seem to have calmed down at all, urging, "Lemme see." 

"What?" Another chuckle shook his voice, "No…!" 

He rested on one elbow, a concerned look on his face, "But you're bleeding…" 

"No I'm not," Iruka yawned again, comfortably laying his arms above his head, "Not anymore, anyway…" 

"But –" 

"Izumo," Chocolate eyes turned to him, an annoyed expression on the sensei's face, "I'm _fine_ and you're overreacting. It stopped bleeding a while ago, I felt it. Now will you _please_ shut up about it?" 

Izumo's voice was tiny, barely audible even in the silence of the room, "I never meant to hurt you…" 

He sighed, "I know… Which is probably why you conveniently forgot that Kakashi _told_ us there was most likely going to be a little blood. I'm fine, really. Just tired and your incessant and unnecessary concern for my wellbeing is annoying me…" 

"I'm sorry…" 

"You know," Iruka suppressed another yawn, "I'm getting a little tired of hearing you say that over and over…" 

"I'm s – Right… Got it," A little defeated, Izumo turned on his back as well, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to keep the hurt of his face. 

"You know… If you're going to cry about it, you might as well say it out loud…" Iruka's voice sounded sleepy, but a little concerned nonetheless. 

"I'm _not_ cryin'…" He pouted, wishing he was more collected, like Iruka was. 

The younger man sighed softly, rolling over and resting his elbow on the bed so he could place his head in his hand as he studied Izumo's face, "Not yet…" 

He bit his lip, turning his head away, "Shut up…" 

Iruka chuckled, "Wow, nice one… We fuck once and you're already telling me to shut up?" 

"No… Just…" He sighed, "I didn't mean it like that…" 

"I know… You're just bummed I didn't magically change into Kotetsu when you had your eyes closed for a minute, huh?" 

Swallowing, Izumo turned back to face the other man, "It's not – I mean – Don't…" 

His voice was soft, "I'm not upset about it, Izumo. I know how you feel about him after all. And _this_ ," He vaguely gestured around, "Is not us being in some kind of relationship or anything. You're my _friend_ , yes. But _not_ my _boyfriend,"_ He offered the older man a warm smile, "You're allowed to be a little sad about it, _really_." 

"Yeah, but…" 

Iruka chuckled lightly, "I'm not offended, Sugar," Laying back down, he sighed softly, "And you shouldn't try to hide it either. It'll only hurt you more…" 

"Whatever," Suddenly fed up with the entire situation, Izumo got up, "Okay if I take a shower?" 

"Sure, go ahead," Chocolate eyes followed every move of the other man's body as he picked up his clothes, quickly pulling up his pants before turning back around, "In case you're wondering, towels are over there," He pointed to his closet, standing next to the fridge, right where his room turned into the hallway, "Bottom drawer." 

"Thanks," He turned on his heels, grabbing a towel before turning into the bathroom. 

Iruka sighed.  
 _He's going to slip away after, isn't he? I know I did_ _ **something**_ _wrong, I'm just not entirely sure_ _ **what**_ _…  
_

Listening to the sound of running water, Iruka could feel himself slowly drift off to sleep. He didn't bother trying to stay awake, certain that Izumo would leave anyway. As the shower was turned off, he briefly opened his eyes, listening to the rustling sounds of Izumo Kamizuki getting dressed. After that, the bathroom door was opened and closed quietly, then the front door. Iruka sighed, but couldn't really hold back, "Bye, Izumo." 

At the door, Izumo froze, "Eh… Bye!" Quickly stepping out he closed the door behind him.  
 _I thought he was asleep already…  
_

Inside, Iruka wiped away a small tear.  
 _I shouldn't be offended by it, it doesn't really matter anyway._

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ Also, thank you _so_ much, Mswan0117 for the invention of the jerk trophy, and you're right. Even though they were _both_ kind of acting like jerks here… Izumo wins that one hands down. Sneaking out? _Tsch!_


	85. Recovery

AUTHORS NOTE: Welcome to the inner workings of complete and utter breakdown. This chapter has a slightly different feel to it than all the others so far; the world inside a breakdown is scary, painful and above all, lonely.  
Way back in the author's note of chapter 53, I told you that the dark winter days were influencing my writing; this is what I wrote. Cleary I was experiencing a winter dip… 

This one is updated ahead of schedule as a thank-you to Letsrandom321 – hope you're not going to be disappointed by the heavy topic this time 'round.  
Thank you Mswan, for being so thorough, even though this definitely got to you as well – the things we sometimes do for art (and yes, I use the term loosely) Anyway, I'm not even going to say 'enjoy' just… Lemme know what you think?

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 85: Recovery 

XOXOX

When Shikamaru returned he found the door locked from the inside and a terrible feeling of dread washed over him. Banging on the door, he called his lover's name over and over again until, finally, the door opened to reveal a weary looking Kakashi. 

"I'm sorry, I forgot to unlock it," His tone lifeless, he moved away again, heading into the kitchen. 

"Why was it locked in the first place?" Cautiously, he asked. 

"I didn't want to be interrupted…" 

"Doing what?" 

Suddenly, he turned to him, his gaze intense, "Shikamaru, promise me something." 

"You're gonna ask me not to freak out, right?" 

A small nod. 

"Sorry, can't promise you that, you're already scaring me. But I promise that if I freak I'll do it quietly." 

He sighed, "Fine…"  
Kakashi then started slowly undressing himself, leaving only his boxers. He dared not look up as Shikamaru whistled through his teeth. 

"Babe… What happened?" His tone was even, voice almost normal. But Kakashi knew. 

"You're disgusted." 

"No, not even freaking, actually. Concerned, maybe, yes. And I want to clean those wounds, but… Mostly, I want to kill the woman for making you feel the need to hurt yourself like that." 

"I already threatened to rip her insides out…" 

"She ran?" 

"Essentially… You don't hate me?" 

"Kakashi…" He sighed, "I could never hate you. But… Please tell me that whatever you used on yourself is safely tucked away again?" 

"It will be. I'm sorry, I wasn't ready to face that yet…" 

Shikamaru swallowed, "Do you need me to –" 

"No. You… I don't want you to see it. Please grant me that much…" 

Shikamaru shivered, "Please…" 

XOXOX

"I'm sorry…" 

"Stop apologizing already!" 

"Shikamaru, you're _literally_ cleaning my self-inflicted wounds…" 

"So? I love you." 

"Which is why it's so bad. It's bad enough if it's some random person, but if it's someone you care about…" 

"I don't just care, I love you. Now hold still." 

Kakashi could only swallow. 

XOXOX

Tsunade knocked on the door that night. Neither man opened.  
Just as she was about to knock again, a shadow slipped out from under the door, pointing at a note taped to the worn wood; 

_Tomorrow, he'll talk to you_ _ **tomorrow.**_ _  
_

XOXOX

It was all a blur.  
Shikamaru pounding into him; Snuggling up against him; Biting him; Kissing softly; Pinching nipples; Soothing the red flesh with his tongue. 

It was all a blur. But a good one. 

XOXOX

He shot up, flashes of the nightmare running wild through his anxious mind.  
Soft lips kissed his own. Drowning out the memories, mumbling soothing words.  
Safe. He fell back into an easy slumber. 

XOXOX 

He awoke, feeling sore. Groaning as the weight of yesterday's memories settled on his shoulders, flooded his senses.  
But Shikamaru was there, softly kissing the tears away, mumbling soothing words as once again, he drifted off to sleep. Safe. 

XOXOX

The sun was bright. Too bright for his aching head. A lean figure standing in the middle of the room. Fear consumed him. 

But Shikamaru leaned over, gentle lips caressing his forehead. Safe. 

He walked away, then. Without a word. Words would disturb him now. Shikamaru knew that. Instinctively, he knew so many things. He retrieved the tea he'd been keeping warm, handing it to the broken man. 

No words.  
Tea. 

Soft hands helping him sit up, lingering on his body.  
Safe. 

XOXOX

Time had passed, how much time he did not know.  
Shikamaru returned to him often.  
Bringing tea, or simply stroking his hair.  
Always knowing when to leave again. 

But this time it would be different. He knew.  
This time there would be words. He shuddered.  
Not wanting to hear the words, he buried himself under the sheets, under the pillow.  
But gentle hands removed his cover, pulled him up. 

"I love you." 

Those words didn't hurt. They were _good_ words.  
But there would be more words. He knew it.  
Tears stung in his eyes. 

"She'll be here soon." 

There!  
Those were the words that hurt.  
He whimpered, cowering away from the man, from the one that loved him.

Love. 

An idea surfaced in his cloudy mind.  
His voice raspy. 

"Will you stay?" 

He nodded then. The man that loved him.  
No more words to hurt him.  
Safe. He was safe.  
He spoke the word aloud, tasting it on his tongue. Watching the man smile softly.  
'Yes,' That smile said, 'Yes, you are safe,' His eyes said, 'I love you'. 

It healed his brokenness a little more, glued pieces together.  
He cried, softly.  
The man that loved him seemed to understand. Holding his shaking body gently against his own.  
Another piece was mended.  
Maybe he could speak again.  
But what words?  
Were there good words? 

"I love you." 

Good words. The man that loved him smiled again. He loved him, too.  
Blinking, he realized. 

"Shikamaru." 

Another smile, complimenting him.  
He had gotten this part right. 

The next part took some time.  
His head still hurt, and he didn't want to think.  
But he had to. 

"Tsunade. Will be here." 

Another smile, a sad one. The man that he loved didn't want her here, either.  
She'd hurt him.  
No.  
He'd hurt _himself_.  
He blinked again, coming back from the brink.  
He looked up at the man that loved him – _Shikamaru._

"Cuteness," Kakashi spoke softly, his voice finally his own, "I'm back." 

XOXOX

Shikamaru helped him get dressed. It hurt. Everything hurt. The pain was no longer a good one. But he had needed it. Yesterday, he'd needed the pain. Today, the pain was a distraction. And he would have to deal with Tsunade again.  
Groaning, he leaned his aching body against the wall. 

"If you move around, she's gonna know…" Shikamaru bit his lip. 

"She's gonna know anyway. But that doesn't mean I intend to make it any easier for her." 

The knock sounded like an alarm. The knock they'd been dreading. 

"Don't leave me alone with her…" His voice relayed all the fear he felt, but that was alright. This was Shikamaru. And Shikamaru loved him. And he loved Shikamaru. 

"She'd have to knock me out and drag my body away and I'd _still_ fight her," He left, to open the door. 

The door that would bring the raging fires of hell when it opened. He wanted to call out, to beg Shikamaru not to open it. But he swallowed his words.  
 _Not good words. No. Don't think like that. Not anymore. Shikamaru mended you. Don't go back, don't hurt him like that.  
_

Voices in the hallway, he didn't care. 

"Dad…"  
 _Now,_ he cared. 

"Leave, Shikamaru. That's an order."  
Now, he was scared. 

"Never," He sounded sure, "I'm staying. I'm not leaving him alone with you, just accept it," His tone was harsh, the words even more so, "Tsunade already broke him yesterday, I'm _not_ leaving him alone with a monster." 

His eyes would be fiery pits, he knew.  
This would get Shikamaru in trouble. That, he knew too.  
But he couldn't move. His body refused his commands.  
The woman sighed, approached the door.  
He could see her now.  
Panic shooting through his aching body. 

"Wait!" Angry. Shikamaru sounded angry, "I _said_ I wouldn't leave him alone with you, not for a _second_ , Tsunade! You're _not_ permitted in that room unless I'm already there." 

"Shikamaru," She sighed again, "You're overreacting…" 

"Drop dead, Tsunade. Please, just do us all a favor and drop dead." 

He'd said it calmly. Had he said it in anger, she might've forgiven him.  
But not now.  
Certainly not now.  
He trembled, listening to the people just outside the door. 

"Shikamaru…" Her tone was soft, weary, "I'm sorry. You're trying to protect him. Still," Her tone turned sharper, "You _ever_ say something like that again, and I'll _personally kick_ _you out of Konoha._ " 

"Then never hurt him again," He entered the room now, seating himself beside the fearful man. 

Looking up, the grey eye found two dark ones.  
Warm, loving.  
He swallowed.  
Could not say the words now. 

"I know, same here." 

These words were crude, but they meant the same.  
He swallowed again, trying a smile like the one the man he loved – like _Shikamaru_ had given him earlier.  
But it was too hard.  
He was still too broken.  
He received one anyway.  
The man that loved him – _Shikamaru_ – did not care.  
It was alright if he couldn't smile yet.  
He would be able to, later.  
When they were alone.  
He was sure he would be able to then. 

"Kakashi?" 

The woman looked at him.  
The man did, too.  
He sat on one of the kitchen chairs, next to the woman.  
He looked at them, but did not speak. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I pushed you, and I know I shouldn't have. Can you forgive me?" 

He blinked. Once.  
But did not speak. 

"Kakashi, please talk to me." 

He blinked. Twice.  
But did not speak. 

"Shikamaru," She turned her blue eyes on the man he – _Shikamaru_ , "Has he been this unresponsive all day?" 

"No. Since you came in." 

That was a lie.  
He should not lie.  
But speaking was not possible, so he only looked at the man that loved – _Shikamaru_. 

"Fine, he _was_ like this, worse even. But he was doing better. Forming full sentences, he even made one joke. But then you knocked, and…" 

"Is he scared of me?" 

She did not look at him.  
Still, he blinked. Once. 

The man – _Shikamaru –_ sighed, "He just told you." 

His voice even.  
Devoid of all emotion.  
It was frightening.

But then the m – _Shikamaru –_ looked at him again, a warm smile on his face.  
He took a deep breath.  
That smile gave him strength.  
Gave him courage.  
One more breath.  
He settled his gaze on the woman, keeping the smile in mind. 

"I hate you." 

Those were good words, too.  
Those were the words that belonged to her. 

She stared at him.  
He willed himself to look back.  
He wanted to see that soft smile again.  
That smile that mended broken pieces every time it appeared.  
But this was also important.  
And this could only be done now. 

There would be time for more mending, later.  
When they were alone again.  
Now, he had to fight. 

It almost sickened him, but he held strong.  
Finding but a little joy as she looked away first.  
That had helped mend him, too.  
He had won, and felt stronger because of it. 

He tried another smile.  
His lips moved a little, but no-one saw.  
There was a mask on his face.  
The man he loved – _Shikamaru_ – somehow noticed though, softly squeezing his hand.  
He would not smile now.  
The others would misinterpret. 

He took another deep breath, wrestling.  
He knew there were more words that needed to be said.  
But it was so hard.  
The smile was back, helping him.  
One more breath.  
His gaze sought the woman out once more. 

She was crying now, quietly.  
Quiet was good.  
Tears bad.  
He had to say it.  
An invisible hand on his throat tried to stop him.  
He struggled. 

His voice too soft.  
She would never hear. 

"Someday I may not. But now…" 

Another struggle.  
Silence.  
He wanted no more words.  
But these words were important. 

"Now I do." 

She smiled at him, then.  
Through her tears, she smiled. 

"I'm sorry, Kakashi." 

He blinked. Once. 

"Can you forgive me?" 

Once, he blinked. 

"Can I stay?" 

Blinking, twice, furiously so. 

She sighed softly, "Very well, I'll leave then." 

He managed a small nod.  
Looking out the window so he would not see her again.  
Not now. 

"Kakashi." 

The man had not left.  
It made him angry.  
But he hadn't the energy to sustain that anger.  
His eye tired, emotionless as he turned it on the man. 

He looked like his love.  
Like Shikamaru.  
But different.  
This… Was his father. 

"Kakashi, I'm here for you if you want to talk." 

Twice, he blinked.  
Another sigh.  
His visitors made too much noise. 

"So you'll only talk to Shikamaru?" 

_I love him_.  
No.  
He was not allowed to say that.  
He could not.  
So he didn't speak. 

"And Iruka?" 

That hurt.  
He didn't remember why, but the name hurt him.  
He winced. 

"So, no." 

The man sighed again.  
He wanted to punch him.  
But that would make noise, too. 

He made a noise now himself.  
His lips forming around a name. 

"Gai." 

That name felt good.  
Not as good as telling Shikamaru 'I love you'.  
But better than telling the woman 'I hate you'. 

The man moved.  
He spoke, but concentrating was too hard now.  
The man left.  
He could hear the front door. 

Kakashi looked at Shikamaru. 

"He's going to send Gai-sensei over." 

Kakashi nodded.  
Waited.  
But the words didn't come.  
So he pulled his mask away.  
His lips automatically searching Shikamaru's.  
This felt better than words. 

XOXOX

Kakashi studied the man before him.  
His lips forming a single word. 

"Thanks." 

Gai only nodded.  
He understood that words felt wrong now.  
Leaning over, Gai placed a warm hand on Kakashi's leg.  
Touches were good.  
Not as good as kisses.  
But kisses were only from Shikamaru.  
And that could not be now.  
Kakashi nodded back.  
He placed his own hand over Gai's. 

Time didn't matter.  
But a lot of it had passed.  
Kakashi felt like a person again.  
Almost. 

Gai's hand on his leg.  
Shikamaru's hand gently squeezing his own.  
He looked his friend in the eyes. 

"Gai… I hurt myself again." 

"I know," His friend spoke softly, "It's okay." 

Kakashi nodded.  
Silence filled the room once more.  
More time passed. 

"Gai… I used to be a monster." 

"I know," His friend spoke softly, "It's okay." 

Kakashi blinked, then nodded.  
There was no sound as more of that strange thing people called 'time' slipped by. 

"Gai… I think I hurt Tsunade." 

"I know," Still, his friend spoke softly, "It's going to be okay." 

Kakashi cried.  
Quiet sobs soon grew hysteric and strong, familiar arms wrapped around him.  
Soothing words were whispered, like they had been before.  
Outside, the sky grew dark.  
Finally, when darkness had settled both inside and outside, Kakashi pulled out of Shikamaru's embrace. 

"It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay," He didn't need to convince himself, didn't need to convince his friend or his lover. But he needed to say the words. To hear them out loud in his own voice, "I'm going to be okay." 


	86. Maito Gai – Faithful And Caring Friend

AUTHORS NOTE: I really do love Gai – This incarnation of him, at least ^.^ 

Mswan, I thank you once more for amazing Beta work and lots of giggles, I'm _so_ lucky you found me :D

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 86: Maito Gai – Faithful And Caring Friend

XOXOX

"Iruka-sensei, what's that on your neck?" 

Iruka's hand flew up, unconsciously covering the hickey that Izumo'd given him when they were –  
 _ **Don't**_ _think about that in class!  
_

"It's eh, from training," He swallowed, hoping the kids would buy into the obvious excuse. Most seemed like they did, a few incredulous looks remained. But no-one said anything more.  
 _Thank god…_

"You know, sensei…" Shouta Nara smirked, "My cousin had that same kind of mark the other day, but he didn't say it was from training…" 

The man swallowed.  
 _No offense, but I think I might be starting to hate those Nara's…  
_ "Well, maybe his was a little different, Shouta," He kept his voice strict. The eight-year-old probably knew _exactly_ what it really was, but he was also smart enough to read a situation. Or so he hoped, at least. 

"Nope," The smirk widened, "But Shikamaru didn't want to tell me where it was from, maybe he just didn't want to admit to training, right sensei? He's got a reputation to uphold, doesn't he?" 

_As do I. Are you seriously trying to blackmail me here, Shouta? That's just… Not very nice.  
_

"So Iruka-sensei, is that like a jutsu mark?" 

"Eh…"  
 _Feels like…  
_ "It's just a pressure point, Shouta. And it's way up ahead for you eight-year-olds. Just stick to the lesson at hand, please," He threw the young boy a stern look, "Which is the tale of the three sannin. Now, who remembers their names?"

XOXOX

Neji sighed softly, turning away from the lavender eyes watching his every move.  
 _This girl is really starting to get on my nerves… I realize she's the next heir to the family, and as such, I should treat her with respect, but… She's_ _ **stalking**_ _me!  
_

Almost groaning out loud, he turned back into the house. Shoulders slumping just a little as Hanabi followed him in. Almost trembling with annoyance, the young man turned on his heels, "Will you _please_ stop following me around?!" 

The girl blinked, tears filling up her those big eyes, "No… I –" 

" _Don't_." He hissed, knowing that his uncle was most likely within earshot, "Just… I need to study, Hanabi. I'm sure you do too," Turning away once more, Neji's pace was quick. If she refused to stop trailing him, he would make it impossible to keep up. He didn't really have another choice.

XOXOX

"Gai! What are you doing here…?" When Iruka opened the door and saw the spandex-clad jounin standing there, he already knew. But he needed the older man to _say_ it. Even though he really didn't want to _hear_ it. 

"Iruka, can I please come in?" Gai's tone was soft, worry laced in. Iruka sighed. He was right, then. Stepping aside, he allowed the man to step inside, brushing past him to return to his stove – the water he'd put on was boiling. 

"You want some tea?" Keeping his back to the older man, Iruka tried to bite back his disappointment. 

"Please," He sat down on the cushions surrounding Iruka's low table, sighing softly, "You already know why I'm here, don't you Iruka?" 

He didn't turn back to him, "Kakashi broke again." 

"He did." 

Pouring the hot water in two cups, Iruka shrugged abruptly, wincing as the action caused him to accidentally pour scalding water over his own hand. Quickly moving to the sink, he ran cold water over his injured hand, his tone deliberately emotionless, "He's unavailable right now, isn't he? How's Shikamaru handling it?" 

Gai got up, leaning against the counter as he picked up one of the cups, moving it a little so he could study the swirling tea leaves, "Admirably." 

"Good…" He swallowed, trying to avoid having to look at the other man as he dried his hand on a towel. 

"You're not. What's going on, Iruka?" 

"Nothing," He said with a definitive air, grabbing the other cup and moving to sit down at the table, he picked up his work again, a quiz he'd given the students yesterday. Pretending to be engrossed in the unreadable handwriting of yet another wannabe shinobi, he ignored Gai completely. 

"Iruka…" He sat down on Iruka's left, "You're not worried about Kakashi right now, are you?" 

"You said Shikamaru's handling it, right?" He took a small sip, refusing to take his eyes off the piece of paper in his other hand, "So why would I worry about him?" 

"Right… Which is why I now worry about you," Gai said pointedly. 

"No need…" He sounded distracted, something he really didn't have to work that hard for. 

Gai sighed before plucking the paper out of Iruka's hand, placing it on top of the stack and subsequently moving the entire thing out of the sensei's reach. 

"Hey! I have to _work_ , Gai!" He frowned, pulling up his shoulders a little. 

"I agree. But not right now," He sighed again, "I am not asking you to talk to _me_ , Iruka. I realize we have never really been friends. We are only bound by Kakashi. But I _do_ care about you. And it is clear to me that something is bothering you. Please do not hide behind your work, Iruka. It can only end badly for you." 

"What the hell would _you_ know about it?" The brunette muttered, looking away, "All you ever _do_ is work. Training every fucking hour of every fucking day can't be good for anyone either…" 

Eyebrows were raised, "I did not know you actually _used_ words like that…" 

"Buzz off…" 

"Ah," Gai smiled, "That is more or less what I'm used to from you." 

Iruka sighed, eyes darting up for a brief moment before settling on the table once more, "Did Kakashi talk to you recently?" 

"I was called because he needed me… But that is not what you are trying to ask, is it?" He smiled softly, "Yes he told me he is gay. As did Shikamaru. I have no problem with it. Do you?" 

"No…" 

"Ah… You mind that the two of them seem so… _Close_." 

Iruka chuckled, "Not at all. Fun game, Gai, but even _if_ I knew anything…" 

"Right…" He cocked his head, "What is on your mind, Iruka?" 

The brunette sighed, "You know… I'm not even sure if I want you to know…" He took a deep breath, "No telling anyone, okay?" 

Gai had to suppress a chuckle.  
 _Does he think we're at the playground or something? That sounded so… Childish. But at the same time, what should you expect from a man who mostly comes in contact with children? He is very serious though, and it is not as if I intend to tell anyone else.  
_ "Of course not, Iruka." 

"Right… " He swallowed, glancing up at the other man once more, "I eh… I've… I like girls but, I recently realized that I like guys too," He spoke quickly, trying to get it out before he lost his nerve again. 

"And you wished to speak to Kakashi about the recent revelations?" Gai didn't know what he'd been expecting, but not this.  
 _I feel sorry for him. First he finds out that the man he already called his best friend is someone he can talk to about this, and then he hears that he cannot.  
_

"I did already," He flashed Gai an embarrassed smile, "Fun times – _not_. Anyway…" 

"Why not?" Surprised, he leaned back a little, studying the younger man's features. 

Iruka sighed, wiping a hand over his face before finally returning the older man's gaze properly, "Apparently I'm ' _cute_ '. Which leads to overprotective Kakashi and even Shikamaru joined in… _So_ not fair..." He leaned his head in his hands, a wistful look on his face, "I just wanted to… Check it out, you know? See if I could actually go through with having sex with a guy. I mean, liking the _thought_ is one thing, I suppose. I just… But," He sighed again, "He refused." 

Gai shook his head in confusion, and also to try and get rid of the mental picture – somehow it just seemed _wrong_ , "Kakashi refused to sleep with you…?" 

" _What?_ " Shocked, he stared at Gai, " _No!_ Well, he probably would have, but…"He chuckled, "No, I asked him to point me to the nearest bar, so to speak…" 

"Thank god…" The words escaped him, and he quickly threw a hand over his mouth, but Iruka had already heard. 

Chuckling again, he cocked his head, "That's a little mean, you know…" 

"I am sorry, Iruka. I honestly did not mean –" 

"I know. It would be unfair, now wouldn't it?" He winked at the older man, "It doesn't matter anyway… That's not what I wanted from him, still don't." 

"You wanted directions. Why did he refuse? It's not like him…" Gai frowned lightly. 

"Again, apparently I'm too 'cute'. He kept stressing how he wouldn't be able to protect me and that it wasn't safe and whatnot…" Iruka sighed again, resting his head back in his hands. 

"The man _does_ have a point…" 

"Hmmm?" Turning his head ever so slightly, he gave the older man a quizzical look. 

"Face it, Iruka. You _are._ Cute, I mean. No offense, I realize it is not something most men would like to hear, but –" 

"I don't mind. Beats being called a 'Green Beast' as far as I'm concerned," He chuckled at the look of utter disappointment on the older man's face, "But again, that wasn't my point…" Staring out the window over his bed, the sensei spoke very softly, "I kind of found someone to, eh… _Experiment_ with. And… I don't know, I guess I just kind of miss my best friend being a human being right now…" 

Gai chuckled, "He is getting there, slowly. But, you and Izumo, then. _Could_ you go through with it?" 

Stunned, the brunette stared at him, "I… What… Who… Izumo? Why would, eh… Why would you think _that_?" 

Another chuckle emanated from the jounin, "I may not be Kakashi, but I am not a complete _fool_ , Iruka. That is a little mean, you know," He repeated the younger man's earlier words back to him. 

"Right… Guess it's kind of obvious, huh?" He swallowed, his gaze returning to the window once more, "Yeah, I went through with it…" 

"Disappointed?" Gai's tone was soft and gentle. 

"No…" He sighed, "Guy's a freaking basket case, you know that? Never met _anyone_ that needed _that_ much positive reinforcement before…"

"Ay, that's no fun." 

Iruka blinked, was that still _Gai_ sitting at his table? Talk about uncharacteristic…  
"Not really…" 

Gai smiled softly, "You seem more like the kind of guy who wants his partner to be confident in his carriage, even if he may not feel like he actually _is_ all that confident." 

"Maybe… I wouldn't know, now would I?" The corners of his mouth pulled down a little, "Not like I have much choice anyway…" 

"Perhaps not. Still –" 

"Gai," He interrupted him, a little whine in his voice, "Can we _please_ stop talking about this? I don't… I don't think I want to discuss my sex life with _you_ , no offense…" 

"None taken," He grinned wickedly, "But then how about Kakashi's?" 

"Huh?" Ripping his gaze away from the window, he stared at the older man once more. 

"Are those two together yet or what?"

XOXOX

After fending off Gai's almost jokingly phrased prying into Kakashi's love life and seeing the older man out, Iruka heaved a deep sigh. Leaning his back against the door, the brunette could feel his knees slowly giving way under him. So he allowed his body to slide down, sitting down on the floor.  
 _I can't believe I told him. I can't believe I_ _ **really**_ _told_ _ **Gai**_ _of all people! He was rather… Nice about it though. I guess now I see why Kakashi keeps saying there's so much more to the guy…  
_

' _You seem more like the kind of guy who wants his partner to be confident in his carriage, even if he may not feel like he actually is all that confident.' Maybe he's right… Maybe I really do. Prefer guys that are confident, I mean. Girls too? I don't know… But guys…? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd like him to be a little more sure of himself. But who knows? Maybe Izumo will, in time. And it's not like this was a one-time thing, right? We agreed on that, right? God I hope we're going to do that again!  
_

_I can't explain it, but somehow having this guy hovering over my body makes me feel… Safe. And it felt so amazing when he –  
_ Iruka blushed, shyly looking around. 

_Oh, don't be stupid! No-one's_ _ **here**_ _Iruka! No-one is going to see you blush, and_ _ **certainly**_ _no-one is going to hear your thoughts! Don't be_ _ **ridiculous**_ _!_

XOXOX

After leaving Iruka in his apartment, Gai headed for the training grounds. He hadn't been training enough lately, Iruka's muttered words about his usual work ethic had surely reminded him of that fact. Gai sighed softly. Not that he actually _felt_ like training…  
 _I am worried. I am worried for the both of them. No, actually I am worried for the_ _ **three**_ _of them. How can I focus on training when all I can really think about is Kakashi's state, Shikamaru's predicament and Iruka's trepidation? I care about those three. I care more about them than I care about most. Even if only Kakashi seems to return the sentiment.  
_

_Though, did not Iruka too place his trust in me today? Told me he is bisexual, told me he is 'experimenting' with that. I can only wish him well. Izumo Kamizuki, huh? A good man, as far as I can tell. A basket case, Iruka tells me.  
_ A small chuckle escaped the man. 

_Not as if that should surprise anyone. He_ _ **has**_ _gone through a lot in only a short time, after all. I wonder though… Does he still love Kotetsu? Undoubtedly. Such feelings do not fade so easily. So he only views Iruka as an experiment, then? Not that I have a problem with that, but… Iruka is a kind man, a gentle one.  
_ Gai frowned lightly. 

_Izumo better not hurt him._

XOXOX 

Izumo sneezed. 

"So… Who's thinking about my buddy?" A teasing tone in his voice, Kotetsu leaned over at his best friend just a little, "Any hot guys you neglected to tell me about?" Suggestively wiggling his eyebrows, he smirked. 

"Tetsu…" He complained softly, "I thought we agreed we weren't talking about 'hot guys' anymore?" 

"Maybe…" Gently nudging his friend's shoulder, Kotetsu winked, "But you just positively _sneezed_ , Iz. And I _know_ you don't have a cold…" 

_Maybe I should just tell him about Iruka. About our… No. He'd make fun of me for never having had sex before, make fun of Iruka too. I don't think I could live with Tetsu making fun of Iruka again…  
_ Izumo sighed softly, "Just drop it, okay? I don't know what you want from me exactly, but I can tell that whatever it is, I'm not gonna like it very much…" 

Kotetsu moved back, regarding the brunette with a thoughtful look, his tone soft, "Okay buddy, I won't push you anymore. Just… Promise me something, okay?" 

Warily, he looked up, "What?" 

"Let me know if you get a boyfriend? Don't hide _that_ from me Iz, that's all I'm askin' here." 

_Trust me, Tetsu… If I ever got a boyfriend, you'd be the first to know... Kinda hard to not realize you're in a relationship, right? So yeah…_ _ **If**_ _something like that would ever happen… You'd know._ _ **If**_ _.  
_ "I promise, buddy. If I get a boyfriend, you'll be the first to know."

Kotetsu smiled wide, "Thanks Iz." 

"Sure."  
 _Whatever…_  
 _  
_

XOXOX

Three days had passed, and Kakashi was doing better every day. Shikamaru looked at him over the remnants of their breakfast, "Babe, I love you," He'd been telling him that a lot, lately. It seemed to help. 

Kakashi smiled at him, a warm smile. It had reappeared for the first time last night, Shikamaru drank it in like a man dying from thirst would savor a glass of water, "I love you, too. And because I do, I need to ask you something, and I need an honest answer. Please don't sugarcoat anything to make me feel better." 

Shikamaru nodded, feeling slightly anxious.  
 _Is he doing well enough to handle the honest answer? What's the question?  
Will I be able to catch him if he falls again? Wouldn't it be __**my**_ _fault if he falls again now?  
_

"How bad were these last few days for you?" The older man asked seriously, his gaze never leaving his lover's face. 

Shikamaru let out a quaky breath.  
 _Okay,_ _ **this,**_ _he should be able to handle. I'll not lie to him, not now, not ever if I can help it.  
_ "From horrible, to bearable, to the biggest relief of my life when you finally smiled again. But, if need be, I can handle it. It wasn't actually so bad once I realized that you just needed silence and warmth. The worst part was when you relapsed…" He fell quiet, not wanting to remind him. 

"When Tsunade and Shikaku came by… It's a little vague around the edges. Did you really ask her to just drop dead?" 

The Nara shrugged, "I was pissed." 

"Hmmm… Did I tell her I hate her?" 

"You also said that may change again, she seemed pretty relieved at that…" 

"Yeah…" 

Shikamaru frowned lightly, he recognized the expression on his boyfriend's face, "Kakashi, if you're not ready…" 

"I am though, just awkward. She's seen me break twice now… Could you deal with having her here again?" 

_Since when is this_ _ **my**_ _apartment? Wait…  
_ "You want me to stay?" 

"Please. Just… I love you, Shikamaru. You're the only person I trust completely. I… Please." 

"I'll manage then. Because the man I love will be there, too." 

"Hmmm… True," He gave another warm smile, "I'll ask Paccun to deliver a message. But first," He held up one finger, "I know we've kissed a _lot_ over the past few days, but… I wasn't exactly in a place where I could really _enjoy_ that, so…" 

Shikamaru smiled, happily moving over to sit down on the taller man's lap, "I've missed kissing you, too," He said softly, "The last few days wasn't Kakashi, that was broken-to-pieces-Kakashi… I've kind of missed the real one." 

XOXOX 

Gai looked up from his push-ups.  
 _I wonder if Kakashi is feeling better yet. He's my best friend, my esteemed eternal rival. I wonder if he'll think to tell me when he has recovered this time. If maybe Shikamaru will.  
_

He sighed softly.  
 _Most likely not. I should be used to that by now…_

XOXOX

"Tsunade, I'm sure he'll come around," Shikaku had been watching the woman pace way too much over the last couple of days. Ever since she'd left Kakashi's apartment, Tsunade had been pacing every time she got the chance to. Even Raidou and Genma had noticed by this point, though neither man had said anything about it. 

"I know. I know he will be, he basically promised me. But…" She suddenly stopped, staring out the window, "He broke down, Shikaku. And this time, it's all on me. He asked me to stop and I disregarded that. I'm unfit to be his therapist, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to be anymore, either. I understand that, and if he asked me to step back, I would. Only…" The blonde sighed, "There isn't really anyone else, Shikaku. I've been going through the files of our medical personnel. None of them are equipped to deal with Kakashi's issues. Honestly, as unprofessional as he made me feel, I was the best choice. Maybe even the only one. But I truly can't imagine the man being willing to continue with me, not after this. Shikamaru and Gai are nursing him back from the brink, but after… He'll need a real therapist again. And even though he's probably scared, I know he'll see it the same way. That's how far Kakashi has really come. But I've got no-one to offer him. His diagnosis is too complex. There is _some_ overlap with our therapists respective expertise, but not enough. Even if I could somehow magically mold all of them together into one, that one therapist would _still_ lack the skill, the knowledge and the experience to deal with him. I could barely keep up, and I've got a huge head start on the rest of them," She turned back to the man leaning against her desk, "I can't even send for someone, because not a single name comes to mind. That's why I'm pacing, _that's_ what's eating me." 

He stood, silently. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could possibly do. If Tsunade was right – which was undeniably true given how much thought the woman had put into this – there was absolutely no way for them to help Kakashi Hatake anymore. He swallowed, "What would happen if the therapy stops right here?" 

"He'll be worse off. Starting therapy, going so deep and then breaking it off… His nerves are bare and raw now. If he's left like this… I have no doubt in my mind that the breakdowns will increase in both intensity and frequency… With any patient, stopping mid-way can be destructive. With Kakashi…" She couldn't finish, let her voice trail off. They could only look at each other, realization weighing heavily on their hearts. 

There was a sudden knock on the door, immediately followed by Genma's voice, "Lady Hokage, Paccun has arrived with a message for the both of you." 

Without so much as a second thought, Shikaku rushed over, all but yanking the door open. Genma raised one eyebrow in surprise but said nothing, giving the older man a polite nod before returning to whatever it was he had been doing before the pug arrived. Knowing Genma, that was probably lazily sipping coffee while he chatted with Raidou a little. Maybe carve something out of wood while he did so. Shikaku almost smiled, Gemna's little woodcarvings were pretty much everywhere nowadays. The man had made so many of them… 

Paccun had immediately walked in as he opened the door, and had taken a seat on the Hokage's desk. Closing the door, Shikaku walked over. Tsunade had sat herself down in her chair and the commander moved to stand beside her. The dog turned to them, "Where's Shizune?" 

"She's working with Sakura today, do you have a message for her too?" Tsunade found this a little hard to believe, but when it came to Kakashi, anything was possible. 

"No. But I do have strict orders. You two are the only ones allowed to hear what I have to say, so I don't want to take the risk of her walking in." 

"She won't. Nobody will." 

"Good," He took a few moments before he settled his gaze on Shikaku, "You first. Shikamaru wants you to know he appreciates that you've sent Gai and stayed out of it after. He also said that he needs a couple changes of clothes, but he doesn't want to leave the apartment yet, so he asked of you could bring something over." 

Shikaku nodded, he'd seen this coming.  
 _He's never coming home, is he?_

"Furthermore, Kakashi apologizes. He says that he's aware that he's treated you unfairly on several occasions, and he regrets that. He also said you're pretty much welcome to come by any time, although, for the time being, he'd appreciate a heads up," For a moment, Paccun seemed to forget he was only the messenger, "Seems like you really startled the kid. My kid, not yours. Kakashi's never one for saying what he means, but you obviously scared the crap out of him at some point. So we'd _all_ appreciate it if you'd tread lightly." 

Again, the Nara nodded, this only confirmed his theory, after all. 

"Then you," The pug turned to Tsunade, "First message, from Kakashi; 'I don't hate you'," He frowned for a second, "I hope that makes more sense to you than it does to me… In any case, Shikamaru adds; 'Please don't die yet'. Honestly, those guys are getting on my nerves… You're not sick, are you?" He studied the Hokage for a minute. 

"No Paccun," She chuckled, she felt so relieved, "We just had a pretty severe argument…" 

"Clearly," His tone was sarcastic, but returned to normal as he continued, "Both of them apologize, _profoundly_ , and I have to 'make sure she understands.' Which, by the look of you, you do." 

Tsunade nodded, tears in her eyes. 

"They also ask you to join them tonight for dinner at Kakashi's place. This, because the change of setting might help put everyone more at ease," The pug looked over at Shikaku for a moment, "You've really got a bright kid," Then, turning back to Tsunade, "Kakashi asks – apparently he's assuming you're going to say yes – if there's anything in particular you'd like, or not like, and Shikamaru added that sake's not part of the deal. So, what do you say?" 

Tsunade swallowed back her tears, "I gladly accept. I don't really care about the menu, everything's fine by me. What time?" 

Paccun nodded at her, "You're a lucky woman, you know that? He's a great cook, but he hardly ever invites someone to join him. Dinner's at seven, don't be late," He jumped off the desk, and Shikaku hurried to open the door for him. 

After the dog had left, they looked at each other for a moment, smiling. Tsunade was crying, and Shikaku found himself blinking against his own tears. His voice thick as he voiced both their thoughts, "Looks like this may turn out alright after all…"


	87. Dinner

AUTHORS NOTE: I wanna eat over at Kakashi's…. *pouts*  
There are actually _**TWO**_ side notes connecting to this chapter – can you believe it? The first one is 'Her Touch… _Does_ Things To Me.' The second one is 'Hungry For You.' Go over and read them after this chapter, mmkay? 

Thank you Mswan0117 for being a more than awesome Beta! And for totally giving me the giggles xD

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 87: Dinner 

XOXOX

"She's here," Shikamaru turned to the older man, his hands still busy with plating up the food. Kakashi nodded, moving out of the kitchen to open the door before she'd had a chance to knock. He _really_ didn't want to hear her knock right now.  
She was startled as the door opened before she could even knock, and was immediately greeted by, "Thank you." 

She smiled softly, "I'm grateful for the invitation, Kakashi. And sorry, I'm terribly sorry." 

He stepped back, motioning for her to come in, "It's alright. I guess… Anyway, dinner's just about ready, just simple Shogayaki, though. That okay for you?" 

Another smile, "Sounds great. And it smells _amazing_." 

He rubbed the back of his head a little sheepishly, "Yeah, eh… Thanks…" 

In the kitchen, they could hear Shikamaru chuckle, "Wait till you _taste_ it. After Kakashi's cooking everything else disappoints." 

"Shikamaru… Come _on_ …" He walked into the kitchen, Tsunade trailing behind him, "That's… You're exaggerating…" 

"No I'm not," He quickly started to place the food on the table, inviting her to sit down on the chair they'd pulled from the bedroom. It was a small thing, but it left both men facing each other with her in the middle. She smiled to herself, clearly at least _one_ of them wasn't completely comfortable yet. From this position she could only see one of them at a time, and it was easier for them to look away. But she sat down, and was almost immediately joined by Kakashi on her left, soon followed by Shikamaru on her right. 

_Is this how they normally sit, or is Kakashi making sure he can get away more easily by sitting closest to the door?  
_ But she didn't ask, instead taking a bite of her Shogayaki, "Wow," Her eyes shot open, "Sorry Kakashi, but I don't think Shikamaru was exaggerating… This is delicious!" 

He blushed a little, mumbling something about 'too much honor for such a little thing,' before picking up his own chopsticks, "You know, Tsunade…" He didn't look up at her as he spoke, instead keeping his eyes fixed on his food while he toyed the spinach and eggplant side salad around, "I realized something today. I maneuvered you into a very precarious position, one where it was inevitable that, at some point, things would turn bad. It's actually a little surprising it lasted as long as it did…" 

"Maybe… But you didn't maneuver me into anything. I proposed it, remember? And I don't blame you for anything that 'turned bad' as you called it. It's actually _my_ fault." 

"Are you two gonna shift the blame back and forth all night?' Shikamaru smirked, "Cause if _that's_ the case, it's gonna be a long, long night…" 

"Hmmm?" An amused smile crept over the jounin's face, "Fine, then we'll just blame everything on _you_ ," He winked at his young friend. 

"Hell no, blame Iruka-sensei and Izumo for being too hot and leave me out of it," He raised his hands, a smirk on his face. 

"So you heard the whole story from Kakashi, then?" 

"Nah, I was here… Eh…" The brat blinked, "Please don't ever tell either of those guys that I called them hot…" A light blush appeared as he stared at his food for a little while. 

Tsunade chuckled, "Now why would I do _that_? Wouldn't that only serve to embarrass all four of us?" 

"Four?" 

"You're not included, Kakashi," She chuckled, This one's between Shikamaru, Izumo, Iruka and me." 

"Ah…" Another smile appeared, she loved seeing him smile again, especially since it seemed so genuine, "So I'm not hot?" The silver-haired man suddenly pouted. 

"Dude… Shut up…" Shikamaru'd turned even redder now, but continued nonetheless, "You beat those guys even _with_ the mask…" 

Just as Tsunade told herself once more _never_ to revisit the subject of the exact nature of the relationship between these two, Kakashi cocked his head to the side, an amused smile on his face, "And with _out_ the mask?" 

Shikamaru immediately turned bright red, mumbling something inaudible as he stared at the table. Tsunade almost chuckled, "Well _I_ happen to think that _without_ the mask you beat every guy in the village…" 

"What she said," The boy muttered, and Kakashi burst out laughing. 

" _Really?_ I'm not too sure of that myself, but thanks… Anyway," His gaze settled back on Tsunade, serious now, "I realize that… In light of recent events this may sound… Strange, but… I _do_ still trust you. And… If you, you know, if you're okay with it… I'd, eh… I mean…" She watched him take a deep breath, already fairly sure what the man was trying to say, but she told herself not to be too hopeful.  
"The thing is, Tsunade, apart from, eh, the other day, this…" He bit his lip, "I don't want to stop the therapy. That is, if you're okay with that, too," He looked away shyly, but almost instantly looked back at her. His face clearly showing that he would accept his fate in this, whatever answer she might give him. 

"Kakashi," She put down the chopsticks for a minute, resting her elbows on the table as the folded her hands and lay her chin atop them, looking him straight in the eye, "I don't want to stop the therapy either," A look of relief washed over his face, his stiff muscles relaxing somewhat. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw this reaction mirrored in Shikamaru. Tsunade smiled, " _However,_ these recent events have taught me a very important lesson. One I should've learned sooner because I've made the mistake before, too. So I want to ask foryour help, Kakashi. If I push you too hard after you've asked me to stop, remind me. But, that also means I'm placing more responsibility in your hands because if I have to remind myself not to push you, you have to remind yourself not to pull back whenever you feel a little awkward. Only when it's really too much. Can you do that, Kakashi?" 

He swallowed, "I think I can… It's… Hard though." 

"Use a safe word." 

"Huh?" 

"What?" 

Shikamaru smirked, "Kakashi, when you feel backed into a corner, what's easier? Explaining yourself or remembering one word that will temporarily stop the clock so you can gather yourself again?" 

"Shikamaru…" They looked at each other again, having one of those silent conversations she could never follow. 

" _You're giving her the wrong idea here…"  
_

" _No, I'm giving her the_ _ **right**_ _idea."  
_

" _She doesn't have to know about –"  
_

" _She already does, sort of. And you don't have to give her more."  
_

" _Okay… I see your point. But… One problem."  
_

" _Huh? What?"  
_

Kakashi suddenly pointed at Shikamaru, and the Nara burst out in a full belly laugh, " _Seriously_ dude?!" 

Kakashi shrugged, looking sheepish. 

"Wait, what did I miss?" She found herself once again looking back and forth between the two. This was getting old – _fast_. 

"I, eh… That safe word idea?" 

"Sounds like a plan to me. Honestly, I'm glad Shikamaru came up with it. But you aren't?" 

"That's… Not it. It's…" He shot a helpless look at his young friend. Shikamaru immediately calmed down, gave a small wiggle with his eyebrows. Kakashi bit his lip, then nodded. 

"The only safe word he can come up with… Is my name," The brat smirked, "I'm actually honored…" 

Tsunade snorted, "Still, that's probably… Not such a great plan…" 

XOXOX 

Shino sighed softly, opening the door to his bedroom. After closing the door behind him, the young Aburame just stood there for a couple of minutes.  
 _It is almost hard to believe, but I do think_ _ **this**_ _is where it all started. That day I was so anxious about going on a mission with Kakashi-sensei again after the previous disaster, after learning about the man's greatest secret. That day when I dragged Sakura in here in hopes of getting advice from her. I honestly had no idea that Kakashi-sensei was just outside the window all that time. He definitely was, though. Heard every word. But… He wasn't angry. I still cannot fully understand it. He was obviously a little hurt by my reaction, though he's never said a word about it since.  
_

_But Sakura… That day, she came so close to me. Closer than ever before. And for just a few seconds, I was certain she was planning on kissing me. It was a stupid notion. Still… She_ _ **did**_ _kiss me, right after I got back from that mission. And we started officially dating. I still cannot believe my luck, even though she's proven to be quite the handful…  
_ The boy smirked. 

_I love that part about her too. Most of the time. Not so much when she suddenly put her hand on me, though.  
_ His cheeks brightened, recalling the incident. How it'd _felt_ to have her touch him there.  
 _I can_ _ **never**_ _let that happen again! It was… Too tempting. No! It isn't something I should desire, it isn't something I should even_ _ **think**_ _about. I love her. I do_ _ **not**_ _need_ _ **that**_ _from her. I cannot. It… It is… Wrong… Tempting, but… So wrong… I cannot…  
_

Swallowing hard, he locked his bedroom door before walking over to his bed.  
 _Seems like I have no choice but to give in to my body yet_ _ **again**_ _… This is_ _ **so**_ _embarrassing!_

XOXOX

"So… That went surprisingly well," Shikamaru didn't look up as Kakashi came back into the kitchen, instead continuing to wash the dishes. 

"Yeah… Still a little embarrassing that I could only think of your name, though… Maybe I should go with 'Cuteness'?" 

"Dude!" Shikamaru splashed some water in his boyfriend's general direction, "Don't even _think_ about it!" 

"Hmmm? I can't think about my Cuteness when I'm feeling down?" Strong arms wrapped around the young Nara from behind, and a chin came to rest upon his shoulder, "That's a little disappointing…" 

"You can think about me all you want, just don't use me as your safe word." 

"I know, I know," The silver-haired man smiled, "You doing okay? Her being here was okay for you, right?" 

"Yeah, I'm good. I'll probably never really like her, but… She's cool, I guess. Reliable in any case. Anyway… Temari should be arriving some time next week. We gotta plan the chuunin exams together, so when she gets here I'll probably be out all day, and busy for the next couple weeks. You okay with that?" 

Kakashi hummed, "Yes Cuteness, I'll be alright. You're still coming here after or are you going home?" He tried to ban the anxiety out of his voice, but of course Shikamaru noticed. 

"I'm not leaving, Kakashi. Not really. I'll be working a lot, but I still want to come home to you, eat dinner with you, talk to you… Besides, I can't sleep alone anymore, remember? I want to be with you as often as I can, I love you." 

The copy ninja smiled, "I love you too, Cuteness. I love you too." 

Suddenly, the Nara snickered, "Is it _that_ , or the lack of clothing on my part?" 

"Hmmm? What lack of clothing? Unfortunately you're fully dressed…" 

A chuckle escaped the younger man, "That's what you said to _me_ , that morning. When I was about as hard as you are right now." 

"Ah… Yes, I remember now. 'That's always,' you said." 

"Uhuh, and don't you know it –" His words were cut off by his own moan as one of his boyfriend's hands had wandered down, softly stroking where only one person was allowed to touch him. 

"This is always too. Always when you're near me. Because," He tilted his head to whisper in Shikamaru's ear, "You're the hottest guy in the entire village."  
Shikamaru could only whimper softly, leaning back against the strong frame of his lover as Kakashi's hand continued his gentle massage. 

"Babe…" He finally managed, "Please… Not here…" 

Kakashi's hand stilled for a moment, his tone soft, "Why not?" 

"Just… Bedroom please, I… It doesn't feel safe…" Involuntarily, he grinded against his lover's hand, "The window… And just… Please Babe, on the bed, okay?" 

"Alright," Kakashi gave one more gentle squeeze before turning his boyfriend to face him, picking him up. Shikamaru immediately wrapped his arms around his lover's neck, his legs around the man's waist, rocking his hips a little as he buried his face against Kakashi's shoulder, "I love you." 

XOXOX 

' _Are those two together yet or what?'  
_ Iruka chuckled, pushing the graded papers away before getting up to grab a soda.  
 _Yeah… Even Gai figured you out, guys. How long were you planning on keeping this a secret anyway? Even a blind, deaf and mentally incapacitated man could tell… Darn, a friggin'_ _ **plant**_ _could tell by now! Did they really think they could just keep this from everyone indefinitely? Stupid fools…  
_  
The brunette smiled softly, sitting back down and resting his back against his bed.  
 _Wonder if he told Lady Tsunade? No, probably not. I'd be surprised if she didn't at least suspect anything though… They're so obviously in love…  
_

He sighed, taking a sip from his drink.  
 _Not like me and Izumo. Not like us at all. We just… Had sex. Which was weird and good and slightly painful and amazing and… And then he just tried to sneak out. That hurt even more than his dick in my butt. Darn, did I really just think that? Wow… I should watch my mouth around the kids, if I'm_ _ **thinking**_ _stuff like that… Pretty soon I'll be_ _ **saying**_ _it too.  
_

He got up, feeling restless. Absentmindedly reorganizing his bookcase, Iruka's mind wandered back to Izumo Kamizuki.  
 _I still can't really believe he just left –_ _ **twice**_ _now. Maybe that's just who he is, though… I mean, if it's a recurring theme, that means the guy's probably used to that already, no? And here I am, trying to be all supportive and trying to make him feel alright… And what do I get? A bloody ass and an empty bed… Wow,_ _ **really**_ _have to start watching my tongue! Besides, it's not like I didn't know what I signed up for, right? I should really stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time. It's just pathetic._ _ **I'm**_ _just pathetic. What the hell do I even_ _ **want**_ _anyway?  
_

For a few seconds, he considered the question. Thoughtfully tapping his cheek with a copy of 'The Little Ninja'.  
 _I want… I want someone that loves me. Someone that I could love back. I'm not even asking for something like what Kakashi and Shikamaru have, I know a lost cause when I see one. I'm never finding a relationship that's_ _ **that**_ _amazing. I just… Don't want to be alone all the time. I want someone that actually cares about me. Not just about whether or not they're hurting me, but how my day went. Or what I feel like doing tonight. Preferably someone who can_ _ **cook,**_ _though….  
_

He chuckled lightly.  
 _Wow, the list of demands is quickly growing, huh? But I really_ _ **am**_ _getting a little tired of takeout… Even ramen seems to have lost most of its appeal… No wonder, really. Nothing actually tastes all that great when you're always eating alone.  
_

Iruka heaved a deep sigh, dropping himself on his back on the bed.  
 _It's been_ _ **days**_ _since I've even_ _ **talked**_ _to an adult… Let alone had a proper conversation… It's been too long, really. I can't even really remember what adults talk about anymore… Probably not about skinned knees and runny noses, right? Not often, anyway._ _ **God**_ _, I miss Kakashi! I even miss his perverted way of turning every single freaking thing you say into a dirty joke… I think I might even be starting to miss Shikamaru. Even though he annoys me most of the time, he's no bloody_ _ **kid**_ _! I can't take this anymore…  
_

XOXOX 

Shikamaru panted, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and burying his face against the older man's chest, "You're so good with your hands…" 

Kakashi chuckled a little, "You're lasting longer and longer, Cuteness," He said softly, "I have to say; It's pretty fucking hot." 

The Nara giggled, "Hot, huh?" Snuggling up a little closer he continued, "Come to think of it… I never had dessert…" 

"Hmmm?" Kakashi pulled back a little so he could look at his lover's face, "What do you mean? You hungry?"  
 _Stupid question, he's_ _ **always**_ _hungry… Not that I mind, at all…  
_

Shikamaru swallowed, feeling his cheeks start to burn. The fingers of his left hand started tracing little circles on his lover's chest, "No… Well, I guess the sexy thing to say here is 'hungry for you,' but… I thought I kinda wanted to try something here…" 

"Like what?" 

It took the Nara some time to reply, his fingers softly wandering across Kakashi's chest. The man calmly waited, he knew his young lover needed a little time to speak certain words out loud – he couldn't help it, he still thought it was cute. Though he really _was_ getting a little curious… 

Finally though, Shikamaru smirked, still following his fingers with his gaze, "Your cock in my mouth…" 

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Yes, cliffhanger. Oh my! How unexpected! Not really…  
Anyway, this one's a little different, it's is not your usual cliffy where the other half will appear in the next chapter, or in two chapters or even in fifty chapters… Lol. No people, the smut is in the side notes ^.^ _


	88. The Only One

AUTHORS NOTE: Poor Gai, poor Iruka, poor Shino, poor Kakashi, poor Shikamaru… Wow, I'm feeling sorry for almost everyone in this chapter… I come up with some pretty tormenting stuff, no? If even _I'm_ feeling sorry for these guys, and I'm the one putting them _in_ that situation in the _first_ place! Ah, but it makes for such good writing material to just hurt everyone I can get my grabby little hands on xD 

As always, a huge thanks goes to Mswan0117 for doing a great job at Beta'ing, and I'd also like to thank everyone following this story for sticking with me through _so_ many chapters – Just feel like saying that every couple of chapters ^.^ I really _do_ have a pretty high chapter count, no? 

Also, Letsrandom, this about what you had in mind for poor Maito Gai? ;)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

Chapter 88: The Only One 

XOXOX

He took a deep breath, but the tears would not stop flowing. Another deep breath yielded no more results than the first. He wiped at his eyes almost furiously, but tears pooled in his eyes again, obscuring his vision, before his hand even connected back to the ground. Maito Gai sighed.  
 _This is no use. I cannot focus, I've lost count at least a dozen times already. So much for doing five-thousand push-ups for getting distracted enough to forget about the thirty laps around the village as punishment for getting lost in thought and losing against Lee…  
_

The jounin jumped up.  
 _I cannot ignore my concerns any longer! I will go over there and – I_ _ **can't**_ _go over there… I might make matters worse…  
_

Slumping his shoulders, Gai allowed his body to drop to the ground. Pulling up his knees and wrapping his arms around them as he sighed once more.  
 _When I went over yesterday, Shikamaru said Kakashi was getting there. But he wouldn't let me in because apparently that would upset him. Still… I cannot simply take the young Nara's word for it, now can I? Actually… Yes, I can. If anyone is reliable, it would be Shikamaru Nara. Shikamaru and Iruka.  
_

_Iruka! Why didn't I think of that sooner? Shikamaru and Iruka get along, do they not? It would make sense that he would keep his old sensei in the loop regarding my rival's situation, even if he refuses to talk to_ _ **me.**_ _But… Will Iruka talk to me? I haven't seen him since I went over to inform him of Kakashi's most recent break. And that visit was merely part of the agreement we have made after all, to keep each other informed of our friend's state of mind. Although… Iruka_ _ **did**_ _talk to me. He… Told me personal things. Was that purely because Kakashi was unavailable? Was I a substitute? Does he regret it now?  
_

XOXOX

"Shino?" She looked up from her work, a light frown on her brow. 

"I am sorry, Sakura. I did not intend to break your concentration. I am merely here to look something up, I would not want to interrupt your studies." 

She smiled up at him, "You're not, Shino. Not really. Do you need long?" 

"I do not. I know which book I need, and I know what I am looking for," Smiling softly, he nodded at her before turning to look for the book he needed. 

"We could walk home together… Maybe? I only need a little more time, maybe ten to twenty minutes or so? If you're done by then…?" 

Shino turned back to her, "I would like that very much Sakura. I shall go and get the book I need now. Would it be alright with you if I sit down here?" 

She beamed, "I'd love it." 

XOXOX

He frowned, correcting the sixth wrong answer in a row.  
 _You'd think I didn't explain this at all… Or maybe she just wasn't paying attention again, boys are_ _ **so**_ _distracting, aren't they Emiko…?  
_

He sighed softly, laying aside his student's test for a second as he took a thoughtful sip of his tea.  
 _Not that I can really blame you, girl. Sensei's distracted by boys too… Well,_ _ **one**_ _boy. A man, actually. Still… If you don't work a little harder you're never going to graduate._

Sighing once more, he picked up his work again. Swiftly correcting mistakes and pointing out the answers his student got right. Iruka ended with a little note at the bottom of the page, trying to encourage the girl a bit. She was trying after all. Laying Emiko's test aside, Iruka reached for the next one on the pile, startled as his door was all but knocked down.  
 _Gai, no doubt. Maybe Kakashi's doing better…  
_

Quickly getting up, the man walked to his door. As he opened it, Iruka blinked.  
 _Well, it's Gai alright… Who'd have ever thought I'd find_ _ **this**_ _one crying on my doorstep?  
_ "Gai… What's wrong?" He stepped aside, allowing the man entry. 

As he stumbled over the threshold, Gai tried once more to contain his tears. But found he still couldn't, "I-I am s-sorry, Iru-Iruka, I j-just –" 

"It's okay," Resting a hand on the older man's arm, Iruka closed the door again. The woman across the hall was peeking through the curtains as usual, and he didn't really feel like giving her an ever bigger show than the one Gai had already inadvertently given her. _  
Annoying hag! Mind your own business for once, will you?  
_ "Just take a breath, Gai. I'll go get you some tea, okay?" 

Watching the man nod, Iruka turned back to his apartment.  
 _What the hell has gotten into_ _ **him**_ _all of the sudden?  
_

XOXOX

"You ready to go, Shino?" 

"I am," He closed his book, returning it to its shelf. Making absolutely sure he didn't point out that he had been ready to go for over an hour now. He didn't want to start another argument. 

"I'm sorry it took a little longer than I expected…" She too, returned her books to the shelves. 

"I do not mind, Sakura," Which was true, he really didn't, "My book was interesting enough," And _that_ was a blatant lie. Mostly because he already knew the thing from cover to cover and had only been searching for a particular word, but again, pointing that out would lead to another argument. Something the Aburame intended to avoid at all costs. The list of things to avoid at all costs was quickly growing, it worried the young man a little. 

Linking her arm with his, the pinkette didn't seem to notice her boyfriend's silent brooding, for which he was eternally grateful – it would surely lead to another argument, "Would you like to go out for dinner?" 

"I'd love to Shino!" 

She beamed up at him and suddenly, all the downsides to dating Sakura Haruno disappeared from his mind, "I am happy to hear it. I love you, Sakura." 

Another smile, "I love you too, Shino." 

XOXOX

"So… All of this is just you worrying about Kakashi?" Iruka found it a little hard to believe, after all, it wasn't like this was the first time their friend had ever broken down or anything. 

Gai had managed to pull himself together somewhat, sitting at Iruka's low table as he nursed his second cup of tea, "There may be more," He conceded softly. 

"Like?" He coaxed. If there was something that got Gai _this_ upset, Iruka had to admit he was a little curious to find out what that something was. Oh, and he was worried about the guy of course. Sure. 

Gai sighed softly, looking down at his cup, "You will most likely not want to know, Iruka…" 

The brunette cocked his head to the side, "Try me."  
 _After all, I told you_ _ **my**_ _thing, didn't I? It's really only fair that you'd tell me yours… And I kinda need the distraction anyway. I really thought Izumo would have come back by now…  
_

"I… Worry for you as well," He looked up, just in time to see the shocked expression on the sensei's face, "I worry about you getting hurt, about regretting that you ever started this with Izumo in the first place. I worry that you hate me for even knowing about it…" 

"I-I don't… Honestly, I don't _hate_ you, Gai… I just…" Iruka sighed, resting his head in his hands as he gazed out the window over his bed, "I don't get it though… Why would you ever be worried about _me_?" 

The older man's tone was even softer than before, "You are kind and trusting, Iruka. You get hurt easily. I only wish that such a thing will not come to pass." 

He chuckled humorlessly, looking back at the man sitting at his table, "I can take care of myself, Gai. Don't _you_ start treating me like a little kid too…" 

"I don't. But I _do_ care." 

"Yeah," The sensei snorted, "You've said that before." 

"Does it amuse you?" Gai sounded a little hurt, trying to hide that fact by taking a sip of his tea. 

Iruka blinked, studying the older man for a moment as he cocked his head, "No… I just… Never thought about it that way, I guess…" 

He swallowed, tears threatening to overwhelm him once more, "Why not?" 

"Because…" Iruka hesitated, chewing the inside of his cheek a little nervously, "We… Never really talked, I guess. I mean… Last time, that was the first time, right? So… I guess I just never thought about the possibility that you might actually _care,_ you know?" Looking up, Iruka realized he'd made a mistake. Tears were once again running down Gai's cheeks, the older man seemed to almost be hyperventilating. He swallowed, "Gai… Look, I didn't mean to hurt you or anything, _really_ , I just…" A whiny tone slipped in this voice, "I dun _no_ … _Please_ stop crying, Gai…" 

But he couldn't. Clearly couldn't. Pushing the teacup away, Gai folded his arms on the table, dropping his head on them as he wailed. He tried to push out words, but to Iruka it was all one incomprehensible heap of gibberish. Something about how he really _did_ care, and how no-one ever seemed to understand. Iruka sighed quietly.  
 _And so they all end up here, crying at my table. Sipping my tea while they talk my ear off about whatever the hell is bothering them_ _ **now**_ _… What am I? A social worker? A therapist? A fool? The latter, probably…  
_

"Gai… Listen, I'm _sorry,_ okay? I honestly… _Honestly_ , I just never _thought_ about it before. I should've realized, I get it now…"  
 _Will you please just stop crying already? You're really starting to get on my nerves, you know that?  
_

"I-I-I'm s-sor-sorry Ir-Iruka, I ju-just – I only – I w-wanted to – " 

The brunette sighed quietly.  
 _No wonder everyone ends up here… I keep opening the blasted door!  
_ "It's okay, Gai. Really. I'm actually honored, seriously."  
 _Which is true. Or rather, it_ _ **would**_ _be, if you weren't turning my apartment into a damned_ _ **swimming pool**_ _!_

"You're just _saying_ that…" Gai turned his head a little so he could look at the younger man, a dispirited look on his face. 

_That's just…_ _ **Scary**_ _…  
_ "No, I meant what I said. I _still_ mean it. Regardless of whether you believe me or not. But you really have to try to calm down a little, Gai…"  
 _And wipe that look off your face, it's creeping me out… Maito Gai isn't supposed to look like a sad, discouraged puppy! That's just freaky! He's supposed to grin so wide you get the shivers and then yell something about how it's the springtime of your youth! Not_ _ **this**_ _… That's not actually fair though, is it? He's really distraught, and all I can think about is how he's giving me the creeps… Poor guy, I can only imagine how hard that must be. No-one ever really sees_ _ **you**_ _, do they?  
_

He wiped at his eyes again, cleared his throat. Iruka'd said he needed to calm down. He couldn't _imagine_ what the younger man would do to him if he didn't obey. Kick him out at the very least. So he tried to get himself together again, reaching for his tea to help him with that. 

" _Shit!_ " Iruka hurried to get the papers out of the way, jumping to his feet, "No, no don't worry about it, Gai. It's just tea," Grabbing a towel, he dabbed at the spilled liquid.  
 _Did he really just tremble so bad he knocked the cup over…? Wow… Just… Wow…  
_

He sniffed, taking the towel and cleaning the table himself, "I'm so sorry, Iruka, I really am. I never meant to –" 

"It's _fine_ , Gai. Don't _worry_ about it," Frowning a little, he checked the papers on the table, "See? It's all good, not a drop on them. Relax. I'll just get you another cup of tea, don't worry so much…" 

"I really am sorry, Iruka…" He slumped a little as the towel was taken away from him, but Iruka didn't seem to notice. Gai sighed. He felt miserable. _Beyond_ miserable, actually. And the only one he could turn to was the obviously pre-occupied sensei, "I should just go…" 

Iruka sighed, putting the kettle back down and turning to the older man. Gai looked even worse than when he'd first gotten here, and Iruka couldn't help but think he was to blame for that. Still… "No, you're staying. I'm not letting you wander around like this, Gai. No way," Crouching beside the older man, he threw an arm around him, "I care too much about you to just let you go right now."  
 _Wow this feels weird… Not at all like comforting Izumo. Not at all! That time, I didn't want to let go even though I knew I probably should. Now… I'm kind of regretting putting my arm there in the first place…  
_

But as Gai looked up with fresh tears in his eyes, Iruka started to reconsider. When the man whispered a 'thank you', Iruka started to feel guilty about ever even _thinking_ about this feeling weird. And as Gai slowly slid sideways against the younger man's body, Iruka started to _really_ hate himself for the way he'd treated this man before. 

"I'm here for you, Gai. Just let it all out." 

XOXOX

"You okay?" The Nara watched him through his eyelashes as Kakashi carefully poured the boiling water in three cups. It was now the second day after Tsunade had had dinner with the two of them, and today, in just a few minutes, she would show up for Kakashi's first therapy session since. He had asked Shikamaru to stay, and Tsunade had also agreed to that condition. The only one that _wasn't_ completely comfortable with this situation was Shikamaru himself. Kakashi knew this, even though his young lover had said nothing of the sorts. 

"I will be, Cuteness. Are you?" His back was still turned to Shikamaru, and he smiled as the young man clearly didn't realize that Kakashi could see his reflection in the window above the counter. 

The Nara was chewing on his lip, frowning, fiddling with his fingers, but his voice sounded even, sure of himself, "I'm fine, Babe. Why wouldn't I be?" 

Kakashi decided against stating the obvious and made sure that Shikamaru could clearly see that his boyfriend was about to turn around, cups in hand. When he turned toward the younger man, Shikamaru's face once again wore that bored expression, his hands inside his pockets as his entire body slouched against the wall. It almost made the silver-haired man chuckle; Shikamaru should know by now that he could easily see through that mask.  
But he didn't say anything about it, instead moving to the bedroom. He was just setting down the first cup – on the desk, this one was for Tsunade – when the knock on the door sounded. 

"I got it, you just… Whatever," Shikamaru sighed, moving over to the door. Kakashi shrugged a little uncomfortably, his boyfriends trepidation was rubbing off on him. Or maybe it was just his own nerves after all. This woman – _no, don't go there!  
_ He placed the remaining two cups on the windowsill. Easing his body onto the bed, back leaning against the wall, he pulled up his knees, resting his hands atop them a little stiffly. 

The exchange at the door had been rather hushed, and Kakashi hadn't felt the need to strain his ears so he could hear, but now he could hear them nonetheless, as the volume picked up a little.  
"Shikamaru," The woman sighed, "I already promised the both of you… Why are you asking about that again?" 

"Because," At this point, he probably smirked, "You're getting old. Thought you might've forgotten…" 

She chuckled, "Not _that_ old, brat," And Kakashi could hear her moving in. 

Suddenly, the copy ninja tensed up. Fear coursing through his veins. He knew it made no sense, knew there wasn't anything to worry about – _Okay, that was a lie…_  
But for a few moments, all Kakashi knew was panic. Sheer, all-consuming panic. He swallowed.  
 _Not again, please not again. Shikamaru made you whole again, Gai made you whole again. We were past this, please not again…  
_

"Kakashi," Shikamaru's tone was a little worried, and a warm hand was placed atop his own, trembling ones, "It's okay. I'm here, too, remember? And if she freaks you out, or if she pushes too far, all you have to do is say the safe word, remember? And she'll back off, I swear." 

Taking a deep breath, the silver-haired man nodded. His gaze drifted from Shikamaru before him, to Tsunade who was still standing in the doorway, "Is it alright if I come in, Kakashi?" 

He nodded once more, clearing his throat before speaking, "Yeah, sure. Eh… Sorry about that. There's tea…" He pointed a little weakly. 

"I see," She gave him a warm smile, "Thank you. And it's nothing to apologize for, Kakashi. I know it's hard right now. And we're going to have to rebuild a _lot_. But I have to say I'm extremely relieved you even want to try…" She sat down, taking her cup and blowing on the still scalding liquid.

He cleared his throat again, "There isn't anyone else I could ever trust, Tsunade…" He didn't look up at her as he spoke, instead studying her knees. 

Shikamaru sat down beside him, "First things first, Kakashi?" 

"Right," He looked up, straight in her eyes, "Stag." 

She chuckled, "I thought we decided Shikamaru's name was out?" Noting the look on his face, she immediately calmed down, giving him a warm smile, "It's fine, Kakashi. I don't really care _what_ word you choose as your safe word," Shifting her gaze, she looked at the young man beside her patient, "I take it you have one, too?" 

He smirked, "Scarecrow." 

She chuckled again, "I think I might see a theme here…" 

"So?" Shikamaru smirked again, "I kinda like it. Easy to remember, right?" 

"I guess, so… Kakashi, how do _you_ feel about it?" 

He looked at his boyfriend for a second before resettling his gaze on Tsunade, "Perfect."  
Reaching over, he handed Shikamaru one of the cups he's sat down in the windowsill, immediately followed by the cigarettes as he sat the ashtray down between them. He watched the younger man take out two smokes, handing one to him. Kakashi lit both with a match, then looked back at the blonde, "I'm not the only one who's anxious here, and I'm not just talking about you. We're keeping each other safe, the safe words are a testament to that." 

She nodded, "It's kind of cute…" She said softly, thoughtfully, "Anyway, was there anything you wanted to talk about?" 

Kakashi smiled wearily, "Why do you always ask that? Eventually, you _always_ steer the conversation in whatever way you choose…" 

"Not on purpose… And I've sort of decided not to do that anymore…" 

His gaze shot up as he studied the woman before him intently for a several heartbeats, "Don't change the things that _work_ , Tsunade… It may have gone wrong once, but… If you go too far, I can stop you now, so it won't happen again… Don't change the things that work…" 

"Alright, in that case…" He watched her put the tea aside, biting down on the nail of her thumb for a second, "Why Gai?" 

"Huh…?" Kakashi blinked, looking over at Shikamaru for assistance. 

"She means why you asked for him when things turned bad… Honestly, I don't get it either, he's like, one of your best friends, right?" 

Kakashi only nodded, looking at the blonde expectantly. 

"I pretty much gathered as much… But he's… I don't know, Gai just doesn't sound like the person you'd call for something like that…" 

"But he _is_ , Tsunade. Gai is… He can be very caring and thoughtful. He's helped me through bad times before and back then, he didn't even know what was wrong… I didn't exactly tell him this time, either… But…" 

"You already came out to him, we _both_ did, that's what you mean, right?" 

Kakashi nodded at Shikamaru, "Exactly. And you saw him, he was… _Gai_. Just not the Gai that most people know… I know him like that, I've known the guy for most of my life…" 

"Wait," Tsunade softly cut in, "Maito Gai has a _soft_ side?" 

Kakashi blinked again, "Yes. Why?" 

"Don't worry about it, it surprised me too," Shikamaru gave her a small wink, "But really, when he came here, he was amazing… Patient, calm, none of that _talking_ that upset Kakashi so much. He really was the best choice at the time, even calmed _me_ down…" 

Tsunade nodded thoughtfully, "I'll just take your word for it… But Shikamaru, you didn't seem too upset, to be honest… I mean, you yelled at me, but –" 

"I was worried. About my best friend. Fucking deal with it," He all but snapped at her, causing Kakashi to lightly place his hand on the Nara's shoulder. 

"I'm okay, now. Calm down please…" 

"Sorry… I shouldn't be making things harder for you…" 

"No worries, it was equally hard on you…" 

"Not equally, dude… Just… Hard…" 

As she watched the exchange between the two friends, Tsunade smiled a little, "Seems like you two are still as close as ever." 

The both looked up, almost as if she'd startled them with her words.  
 _They're both still stressed, probably forgot I was here for a minute…_

"Tsunade… Why would you believe otherwise?" 

"Honestly? Sometimes, when friends help each other through an ordeal like that, the one that _wasn't_ all torn up inside can start to resent the one that _was_. For putting them through that, for making them take care of them. I've seen it happen too many times…" 

_Women, I_ _ **love**_ _him, I'd walk to the ends of the earth and back if I thought that would make him happy…  
_ "Yeah, well, we're fine," Shikamaru frowned lightly, "Stop saying stupid stuff like that." 

"Alright. Then what about this; Have you or Kakashi actually been out of the apartment since that first day when things went… Wrong?" 

"I have, groceries. And yesterday he came with." 

"How did that go?" She looked at the silver-haired man. 

"I… It was a little scary at first, but Shikamaru was there and… It went fine, after all. I was actually thinking of going with him again tomorrow. Just to get some fresh air, get accustomed to being around other people again. Stuff like that." 

"That's amazing, I'm really happy to hear it," She studied him for a brief moment, "Kakashi, how are you holding up right now?" 

He hesitated slightly, "I'm… Okay. Though I think…" He trailed off, looking at his younger friend a little worriedly. 

Shikamaru nodded, taking a hold of his friend's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, "I think he's had enough now. And I'm sure that I have, so…" 

She rose to her feet, "I'll leave, then. We'll go slow, like we agreed. Same time day after tomorrow?" 

Kakashi shook his head, "No Tsunade, tomorrow. Same time tomorrow," He turned away from her, looking out the window. 

As Tsunade left the apartment, her heart soared – Kakashi just said _tomorrow!_

XOXOX

Gai had finally calmed down and left. Iruka couldn't hold back a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind the older man.  
 _That was rough… Who knew Gai worried so much about everyone? Guy is like a mother hen! He's got a couple valid points though… If Shikamaru actually sent him_ _ **away**_ _… And Izumo – no, don't think about that. I'm sure it'll be fine. Sure. He's not avoiding me, he's just busy. Has to be. But first things first. I need to go check up on Kakashi. I'm not going to let Shikamaru keep_ _ **me**_ _out as well, no sir. I want to_ _ **see**_ _him,_ _ **talk**_ _to him. And I'm going to do that right_ _ **now**_ _!_


	89. I Belong To You And You Belong To Me

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm sorry that this chapter got delayed. It's about the side note that I REALLY needed to get done, it's actually an important addition to this chapter. But I'm _so_ stuck on that thing, so… I thought I'd upload this and then add the side note later. I will post a notice in the A/N when I manage to finish up that side note. Anyway, here's the latest chapter! Let's see what you people think about this one ;)  
By the way, this is right after Tsunade's left. Previous chapter, anyone? Yeah, they totally connect – would've been hella long if it was just one chappy, and this is more fun anyway ;) Hey, at least I didn't leave a cliffhanger dangling at my last update, right? Well… Not a big one… You'll see what I mean in a bit ^.^ 

A huge thanks to Marina for sticking with me as my Beta – even though I've probably put her through hell with all of my recent chapter re-working xD You're amazing, just so you know!

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 89: I Belong To You And You Belong To Me

XOXOX

"Shikamaru," He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend from behind, "Thank you for staying with me…" 

The Nara smirked, "Where else would I be? I don't _want_ to go anywhere else, dude. Deal with it." 

"I know Tsunade still unsettles you…" He said softly. 

Shikamaru shrugged, pulling at the teabag. The young man was getting sick and tired of tea and water, and had opted to at least make himself a pitcher of iced tea for in the fridge.  
 _Next time I go to get groceries I should really remember getting some juice or soda or something… He really only drinks tea, water and coffee…  
_ He pulled a little face.  
 _Coffee's gross.  
_ Sighing, he dropped the teabag on the counter – he couldn't move over to the trashcan with Kakashi holding on to him like this, "I can deal with the woman, Kakashi. She's helping you, so… I dunno, I just don't really like her, I guess." 

"Why? I never got it, mostly we kind of get along with the same people, and I actually think I _like_ her, so…" 

Shikamaru shrugged again, "I dunno… Maybe it's 'cause she gets to know stuff 'bout you that you won't tell _me_ about…" 

"Does it bother you?" Kakashi moved back a little, grabbing the teabag and throwing it in the trash before wiping the counter off. It made his boyfriend chuckle a little. 

"Neat freak. But… It doesn't _bother_ me, per se… I know why, and it's probably better that I _don't_ know all that stuff, since it's in the past and all that. And you're still scared I'll run if I ever find out," He smirked at Kakashi's reflection in the window before taking the pitcher with his – hopefully not _totally_ disgusting – iced tea concoction, "But it kind of… I dunno," Opening the fridge, he hid his face by putting the pitcher in, "It kinda makes me a little jealous, I suppose." 

Eyebrows shot up, "Of my _therapist?!"_

Shikamaru closed the fridge, leaning his shoulder against the door, "Maybe dude, I dunno…" 

The silver-haired man sighed, "Cuteness…" 

Shikamaru softly shook his head, walking over to his lover to wrap his arms around the taller man, "I don't really want to talk about it anymore. It is what it is, right? And anyway," He let one hand glide down over Kakashi's spine, dipping his fingers just inside the band of the faded uniform pants, "I know better things to do than _talk._ The woman's gone, and we won't see her again 'till tomorrow. Right now it's just you and me and I _really_ don't feel like anymore talking." 

Kakashi swallowed, "I'm with you on that one, Cuteness… But," He moaned as his boyfriends hand slid down a little lower, deftly slipping one finger in between his cheeks, "Ah, Cuteness… I thought you said bedroom only?" 

"I did, but…" A mischievous grin appeared on Shikamaru's face, "I feel a little _wild_ today," He quickly pulled back his hand, forcibly turning his boyfriend around and forward until Kakashi's legs bumped into the table, "How 'bout it, Babe?" He whispered, teasing Kakashi's ass through the pants. 

The older man moaned again, pushing back against the hand that was only barely touching him. No matter how desperately he tried to get closer, Shikamaru always seemed to know beforehand, moving his hand back a little just in time, "Yes, yes, please fuck me right here!" 

A slow smile crept across Shikamaru's face and he moved both hands around, cupping his boyfriend's groin, "You sure about that, Kakashi?" He teased, squeezing ever so gently. 

His lover could only manage another moan, his hips bucking as his hands grabbed the edges of the table to steady himself. 

"I'll just take that as a yes, then," Shikamaru squeezed a little tighter for a brief moment before letting go and taking a small step back, "Are you mine, Kakashi?" 

Whimpering at the loss of contact, he stood trembling for a few heartbeats, his voice coming out unsteady, "I'm yours, yes. I'm yours, completely yours, Shikamaru." 

"My little toy?" The Nara licked his lips, watching his boyfriend writhe while trying to stay upright. 

"Yes…" 

"Can I use you as I see fit, Kakashi?" 

"Yes…" 

"What will you do for me?" He bit back a chuckle, he _loved_ seeing Kakashi like this. Shikamaru'd known for a long time that his older lover was a sucker for his dominant side, but he had yet to try his hand at it for real. This was turning out even better than Shikamaru could've thought. 

"Anything, I'll do anything for you," Kakashi swallowed. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd kept hoping, but never dared ask for this. Not wanting to push his younger lover into anything he didn't want, but it was quite clear now that Shikamaru _wanted_ this. 

"Anything, huh?" Shikamaru drawled out, his mind working on sorting through all the options, playing them out a little to see if he would still feel comfortable with the way they would most likely turn out. 

"Yes, anything," Kakashi was panting now, unable to think clearly. Even though Shikamaru wasn't even touching him, the younger man now had full control. Kakashi relished in the secure knowledge that his lover wouldn't abuse that, nor hold it against him later – Shikamaru had decided on this _himself._

"Strip," The word came out clipped, but not unkind. Kakashi sighed in pleasure, risking a small glance back. Shikamaru was leaning back against the counter, hands in his pockets as his dark eyes studied every slight move the silver-haired man made. Apparently looking at him was allowed, so Kakashi slowly turned around. When he faced his lover, he pulled up the hem of his worn T-shirt, discarding the fabric without a second thought. 

"Stop," Still speaking in that same tone, Shikamaru halted all movement across the small kitchen. Kakashi stood before him, shirtless. The dark fabric still dangling in his left hand, legs a little apart, panting. Shikamaru studied him, taking his sweet time, he let his eyes roam all over his lover's form before calmly stepping forward. He rested his hands against Kakashi's chest, softly stroking the pale skin. He could feel his boyfriend shudder under his touch, but Kakashi didn't speak, didn't move, "Good," He stepped back again, "Ditch the shirt," Kakashi immediately complied, "Now turn around." 

Kakashi turned on his heels, almost losing his balance, but Shikamaru steadied him with one hand, "Grab the table, Love." 

Leaning over, the silver-haired man complied, grabbing a firm hold on opposite sides of the table, unconsciously, he spread his legs a little further, but Shikamaru made no move to remove his pants and Kakashi whimpered a little – there would be _more_? Unbelievable…  
Soft hands glided over his ass, massaging a little until Kakashi was panting so hard he thought he might just pass out, "Good, you're doing great, Babe," Kakashi could only moan, the lips that were so close to his ear they were all but touching him, the whispered words, it was overwhelming. 

But out of nowhere, Shikamaru stepped back again, "Now stay."  
The Nara moved away, and Kakashi tried to catch his breath, his thoughts slowly returning to him as he heard his boyfriend rummage around a little in the bedroom.  
 _He's amazing… He takes the control, but not just that – he takes the responsibility. He's never done this before, right? How does he know exactly what to do? And he's doing all of that on instinct… Amazing…  
_

"You moved," Shikamaru's tone had a slightly harsh edge to it, and Kakashi unwillingly shuddered, apologizing profusely.  
Shikamaru came closer, and one hand came down on Kakashi's ass, "Don't move again." 

Whimpering softly, he promised, knees buckling as the silver-haired man once again relinquished any and all control. Giving it all to his lover. 

"Good, that's good. I know you didn't mean it, it's okay now, Babe," Soft hands reached around him, stroking his stomach, before gliding lower, "You're such a good little pet, aren't you?" 

"I am, I am…" 

"Yes, you are, you really are," He undid the button, then the zipper but pulled his hands away after that, leaving the man whimpering once more. Kakashi had no idea what Shikamaru was going to do, or what he was doing right now. All he knew was that he wanted to please him, please the man that owned his heart, owned his soul. Before long, Shikamaru's hands were back on him, ripping the back of his pants down just a little. Kakashi gasped as one finger entered him without any hesitation. 

"You're still a little loose, Babe." 

"Yes…" He panted heavily, unable to form anymore words, but that seemed okay, because Shikamaru praised him, wiggling around inside him for a little while. Sweat was trailing down the older man's face and he bucked his hips. 

"Stop that," The harshness was back, and Kakashi panted an apology, "It's alright, Babe. You're just a little eager, I know." Suddenly, Shikamaru's finger disappeared again, and Kakashi whimpered, standing on shaking legs, holding on to the edges of the table before him for dear life. His pants were pulled down a little further, and he could feel something press up against him, "Eager is good, my little pet. I'll help you… Take it," And he pushed in with force, before pulling the pants back up, "Can you hold that in, my pet?" Strong hands turned him around, pushed him back against the table, "Can you hold the plug for me?" 

"Yes, yes I can. I can hold it for you –" Kakashi swallowed the word 'master' just in time, a small piece of his mind warning him not to push his luck. Strong hands pulled him forward a little, before turning him around again, switching their positions so Shikamaru was leaning against the table. He was pushed down on his knees, moaning softly as he realized what Shikamaru had in mind. His eyes followed every move of the long, tanned fingers as Shikamaru undid his own buckle, opened his pants. Kakashi was panting, anticipation getting to him, as he watched his lover pull himself free. 

"My pet," He said softly, lifting Kakashi's chin with a single finger so he could study the older man's face, a smirk firm in place, "Pleasure me." 

Kakashi swallowed, "Yes master," He winced at the title he'd been trying to avoid, but Shikamaru only smiled at him. 

"My little pet, my good little pet," His tone turned a little harsher now, "You're making me wait." 

Kakashi's eyes widened a little, and Shikamaru softly placed a hand over his left eye, "Keep that closed for me, my pet." 

"Yes master, I promise," He licked his lips, closing his left eye as he turned his gaze to the hot flesh before him. Swallowing once more, he tightened his ass a little, realizing he'd almost forgotten that he'd promised his master to keep the butt plug in place. A light blush tinted his cheeks but he ignored it, master would surely scold him if he hesitated any longer. So he _didn't_ hesitate, knowing exactly how the man before him liked his pleasure. 

Shikamaru gasped as he felt Kakashi's lips on him, softly kissing his way up. He grabbed the table behind him, suddenly feeling _very_ happy he'd thought about switching their positions.  
 _If I'd still be standing over there, I'm pretty sure I'd be falling on my ass right about now… Damn, my legs are shaking so bad, I never realized it would be_ _ **this**_ _hard just to stand… Oh god, he's – Oh god!  
_ "Fuck! Oh god, oh god, oh _god_! That's… _Ah_ right there… _Fuck_ … _Ah_ …" 

Kakashi smiled, Shikamaru's voice grounded him, reminded him that this wasn't his _master,_ but his _lover_ – who just happened to be a little on the dominant side. He kept up his diligent work as the muscles in his lover's body tensed up, continued as Shikamaru erupted inside him. Only stopping when hands roughly pushed him away. 

Shikamaru was panting, holding on to silver hair for dear life.  
 _Damn… Well, there goes the plan…  
_

Kakashi looked up a little, almost chuckling as he realized his lover's position.  
 _Still so new… Wait, he's never had to focus on standing up while getting sucked off before, has he? Priceless, but having him in control is even better, so…  
_ "Was that alright?" Kakashi's tone was soft, a little hesitant as he looked up a little shyly. 

_He realized, he's putting me back in charge…  
_ Shikamaru moaned softly.  
 _You got it, Babe.  
_ "Yes, my little pet, that was _very_ good. Now stand up," He took hold of Kakashi's arms, helping the man up. Once the taller man stood before him, he pulled him close, hugging him while slipping one hand inside the back of Kakashi's pants. 

Kakashi moaned as he felt Shikamaru's searching fingers find the butt plug – it _had_ slipped out a little, and now the younger man was wiggling it around. 

"You didn't hold it in, my pet." 

" _Ah_ , I-I'm sorry, I'm so –" His words were cut off by his own low moan, slumping a little, Kakashi saw no choice but to rest some of his weight on the younger man. 

"It slipped out, this is what you get when you don't keep your promises, my pet," He pushed the thing in, even rougher than before, drawing out another moan from the man squirming in his arms. Kakashi muttered something incomprehensible – probably another apology.  
Turning their positions again, Shikamaru all but slammed his boyfriend against the table, yanking his pants down before reaching around, grabbing hold of Kakashi's stiff cock, he gave it a few rough pumps.  
 _'I'm a bit of a masochist…' We'll see how far we can go with this, then, Kakashi.  
_ "What do you want, my pet?" 

Kakashi almost cried out as Shikamaru's hand left him, his lover's groin still pushing somewhere just below his ass, "I-I want… I want to make you happy… Please allow me to make you feel good," He was still panting, his words coming out a little unarticulated, but he knew Shikamaru would understand. 

"Make me feel good? That's what you want, my pet?" 

"Yes, please, let me make you feel good, please." 

"Bend over, Kakashi," He whispered in his ear, smirking as the older man immediately obeyed, pushing his chest against the table, his ass up in the air. He let his hands wander over the pale globes, massaging lightly as an idea started to form in his head. Kakashi was squirming, moaning, panting.  
 _This'll be fun._

"Don't move, my pet," He waited a few moments until all movement had ceased, still touching the man, making it harder for him, the moans only got louder now, and Shikamaru smirked, "Don't make a sound, my pet. You're only allowed to answer me or beg me to stop." 

Kakashi gasped.  
 _He's asking the impossible! No… He's asking me to beg… Damn, my boyfriend has a mean streak…  
_ He smiled. 

"Is that too difficult for you my pet?" 

"N-no… I will obey." 

"Good," He continued his ministrations for a little while, feeling the body tremble under his touches. But Kakashi didn't move, didn't make another sound. So he let one hand wander to the end of the butt plug that was slowly starting to slip out again – the silver-haired man's concentration was clearly elsewhere. He took the protruding end between thumb and index finger, wiggling ever so slightly. 

Kakashi gasped. 

"Can you take it, Babe?" 

A soft whimper sounded, but after that, the older man assured him he could take it. 

"Do you want it, Babe?" 

"I want it." 

"Do you need it, Babe?" 

"I need it, please, please I need it…" 

So he moved the toy around some more, almost grinning at how hard it obviously was for Kakashi to stay perfectly still, perfectly quiet. Shikamaru could feel his own cock stiffening again, the treatment he bestowed upon his lover making him hard once more. He moaned softly, letting one hand wander to his own sex, massaging gently. Kakashi wouldn't be able to hold out much longer, every now and then a very quiet moan would escape his lips, "I can hear you, my pet." 

"I'm sorry, please, I apologize, I will be quiet I promise." 

Shikamaru smirked, the harsh tone seeping back into his voice, "Did I ask you to speak?" He slapped Kakashi's bare ass, harder than he'd done the first time, and the older man gasped, "I told you to keep still, my pet," His hand came down again and the other man whimpered, "That wasn't silence, my pet," But instead of slapping him again, Shikamaru yanked the man's torso up, before turning him around, forcing him back on his knees. He took a few steps back, his hand still working his own member. He could see Kakashi lick his lips, hands twitching as he tried to keep from touching himself, "You've been disobedient, my pet," Shikamaru said harshly, leaning back against the counter again.  
On his knees, Kakashi whimpered, apologized, begged him to forgive him, but the Nara just looked at him, moaning softly at his own touch. 

Kakashi watched him, his mouth dry, his limbs shaking. For the pervert of Konoha, there wasn't much that was better than watching another man jerk off, but right now… Right now he wanted that cock inside him so bad he could hardly breathe. Suddenly, Shikamaru let his hand drop, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself again. Kakashi straightened his back, was he about to get another chance? 

"Are you sorry, my pet?" 

"Yes – yes I'm sorry, please allow me to pleasure you, please –" 

"Silence!" Shikamaru's voice was back to that harsh tone, that still managed to sound loving. He walked over to the older man, crouching down before him as he let one hand ghost over Kakashi's full erection, "Is it throbbing, my pet?" 

"Yes…" 

"Is it ready, my pet?" 

"Yes…" 

He gave a the hot flesh a few more rough pumps, before releasing his hold again, Kakashi whimpered. He ignored him. Standing up, he pushed his crotch in the older man's face, moaning as Kakashi's lips immediately fondled the burning flesh. But he moved back again, pulling the older man back up by the arms. Kakashi's pants were still around his ankles, and he almost fell over, "Get rid of those, my pet," He watched as the older man obeyed, kicking the pants to the side, "Good, you're a good little pet, a good little toy. Turn around, Kakashi." 

Immediately, Kakashi turned. 

"Bend over." 

He pushed his chest back against the table, feeling something slip out a little further. Tightening his muscles he tried to hold on to the plug, but it was suddenly pulled out of him by gentle fingers, "Now, my little pet," He could feel Shikamaru teasing around his entrance, and shivered, "Can you take me?" 

"Yes, I can take you," His voice trembled in anticipation. 

"Are you sure?" Two fingers pushed in roughly, and Kakashi whimpered. 

"I'm sure, please let me take you in, please…" 

Shikamaru pulled his fingers out and thrust back in almost violently, repeating the motion a couple times, until he felt sure that Kakashi understood what he meant, he wasn't going to be gentle, and if his lover needed a little more time to adjust to that, this was the time to say it. But right now the older man begged and whined, asking him to go faster, to give him more. So Shikamaru figured it should be fine. Pulling his fingers out, he moved to stand directly behind his lover, pushing his tip against him, "Is this what you want, my pet?" He could barely keep his voice from shaking, smiling a little when Kakashi proved to be off even worse. 

"Ye-yes, pl-please, pl-please, give it to m-me, p-please…" 

So he pushed in, in one fluid motion, stilling once he was inside. He remembered Kakashi's words from not too long ago, 'Don't move until he's ready', "Tell me when you can take it, my pet." 

Kakashi blinked, then remembered the same conversation Shikamaru had on his mind.  
 _Right… Gotta revisit the subject, I suppose…  
_ "Now, please move, please…" He moaned as Shikamaru pulled back, gasped as he snapped back – _hard_. This was by far the roughest he'd _ever_ treated him, and Kakashi moaned in delight, thrusting back his hips to increase the force even more. 

"You like that?" Shikamaru was panting, holding on to lean hips as he pounded into his lover. 

"Yea-yeah _Ah –_ _harder_ , please harder, oh _god_ …" 

Shikamaru bit his lip, unsure if ' _harder_ ' was actually still an option, but he tried nonetheless, letting out a breathless chuckle as Kakashi moaned in pleasure. He was getting louder himself now, and for a while, the kitchen was filled with pants, moans and obscene language as the two man let go of all inhibitions. 

XOXOX

" _Fuck!_ Ah, _fuck,_ oh god _–"  
_

" _Aaah,_ Shi – Oh _**Fuck**_ _!"  
_

Iruka's hand stilled mere millimeters from the wooden door. The brunette blinked, then chuckled softly.  
 _Interrupting would be a very bad idea, right now…_

He took a few steps back, intending to walk away, but something stopped him, some sort of primal instinct. Hesitantly he walked over to the far edge of the gallery, if he leaned over a little, he could just about –…  
 _You've_ _ **got**_ _to be kidding me! Over the freaking_ _ **kitchen table**_ _?!  
_ He took a few steps back, turning on his heels.  
 _Whatever, it's not like it's any of my business…  
_

Iruka Umino walked away from the apartment of Kakashi Hatake.  
One step.  
Another.  
One more step and he hesitated.  
The next step was _considerably_ smaller.  
One more step, but his foot didn't even touch the concrete.  
Iruka spun around on his heel, walking back to the railing. Hands clenched tight around the worn wood, and he leaned over – just a little. He could just about see the bathroom door now. Not the two men standing over the table.  
 _This is wrong –I shouldn't. This is… So_ _ **tempting**_ _…  
_

He leaned over a little further, he could see them now. Shikamaru was still fully dressed, his pants hanging somewhere around his hips, while Kakashi was completely naked, his clothes strewn about the kitchen floor. Their bodies moved in perfect sync, in a rhythm that was almost violent. Iruka winced.  
 _That's rough… Ouch… Can't imagine ever…  
_ He swallowed.  
 _Kakashi seems to, eh…_ _ **Like**_ _it, though… I shouldn't, I mean, this is… Private. This isn't like a dirty magazine, these are my_ _ **friends**_ _…  
_

He bit his lip, hands trembling no matter how tight he gripped the wooden railing. Tearing his gaze away, Iruka turned abruptly. Walking off in a quick pace, almost tripping on his own feet.  
 _It's personal. I shouldn't. They're my friends. Oh god… I can't believe I just saw that. I can't believe what it's_ _ **doing**_ _to me…  
_

He swallowed again, trying to think about other things.  
 _Right, so… Eh, the pop quiz. Right, what questions? Eh… What was I thinking again?  
_

XOXOX 

Shikamaru slumped over his lover, exhausted. His body spent, he didn't even know how he was ever going to stand up again, let alone make it all the way over to the bedroom. Under him, Kakashi chuckled breathlessly, "Tired Cuteness?" 

"Uhuh…" He could only barely manage the sound, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend as he tried to find a comfortable place to lay his head. 

"Oh, no you don't," Kakashi chuckled again, softly removing the arms that hugged him tight. He held on to them as he straightened a little, moaning softly as this caused Shikamaru to slip out of him completely. He let go of his boyfriend's arms, turning quickly so he could catch the young man in his arms. Shikamaru was almost sleeping, blinking up at him in a failed attempt to clear up his vision. Kakashi smiled, wrapping his arms tight around the Nara for a second as he leaned over to whisper in his ear, "You're amazing Shikamaru, mind-blowingly amazing. I love you." 

"Hmmm, love you too…" He wrapped his arms around the taller man a little tighter, pressing his face against Kakashi's chest. 

"You can't sleep here, Cuteness," A chuckle shook the older man, "Come, I'll take you to bed," He shifted his hold on the smaller frame, picking his half-asleep boyfriend up bridal style. Walking over to the bedroom, he kept talking softly, telling Shikamaru how amazing he was, how much he'd enjoyed their previous actions, how much he loved him. The younger man only mumbled a reply every now and then, and most of it was too soft for Kakashi to understand, but he didn't mind. Laying his boyfriend down on the bed, he quickly removed the younger man's pants and shirt and tucked him in. He placed a soft kiss in Shikamaru's lips before turning to leave. 

"Hmmm Babe, stay…" 

He chuckled again, "I'll be right back, Cuteness. I have to clean up a little, okay?" 

"Neat freak… Just come to bed…" 

"In a few minutes, I promise," Smiling softly, Kakashi made his way over to the kitchen again, quickly locating his pants and pulling them on.  
 _It's actually not too bad…  
_ He suppressed a yawn.  
 _Gotta wipe the table, the floor… Where did that butt plug go… Gotta clean that too…  
_ His eye scanned the room, tired but still concentrating on the task at hand. He located the toy, walking over to pick it up, he threw it in the sink for the time being, first grabbing a clean towel and holding it under the running water before pouring some detergent on it. Getting to work, Kakashi's mind wandered a little. 

_Shikamaru was absolutely amazing… I honestly can't come up with another word for it… And I still find it hard to believe that actually_ _ **happened**_ _, even though I'm cleaning the evidence away at this very moment.  
_ He chuckled.  
 _Imagine what Iruka would say… Here I am, cleaning the damned floor of my damned kitchen while my boyfriend lays asleep in the other room. I really_ _ **am**_ _a neat freak. Then again, it would stain the wood – and I'd rather not have to explain to anyone what that weird looking stain is all about…  
_

_In the kitchen… In the bloody, freaking_ _ **kitchen**_ _… Hah, Iruka would have a_ _ **fit**_ _! Not that I'll ever talk about this with him, of course. This is just between the two of us. Between Shikamaru and me… He's amazing._ _I was sure that I already loved him with all of my heart, that it was impossible to love him anymore than I already do._ _I just… I'm happy. Really happy. He makes me feel safe. Loved. Never thought that would ever happen, but he… I love him. And I_ _ **really**_ _hope he's going to do that again… Oh god… Did I really regret that I was getting off less now? Damn… It's so much_ _ **better**_ _now… It kind of was before, too, but this… I don't think I can even remember the last time I was so exhausted after sex, the last time I was so utterly fulfilled after. Might've actually been the best time ever…  
_

_Right, anyway that takes care of the table and the floor –I'll grab the clothes tomorrow morning, I'm too tired to go hunting for my boxers right now, and it doesn't matter anyway… Just one more thing and I can go to bed… Damn, I'm tired…  
_

XOXOX 

Shikamaru tried to keep his eyes open, tried to stay awake, but his eyelids kept drooping, and it seemed it was impossible _not_ to fall asleep. He could hear Kakashi in the kitchen, the sounds were too soft to make out exactly what he was doing, but Shikamaru had a pretty good idea.  
 _Spazz… Not like it's anything that can't wait 'till morning…  
_

He could feel himself drift off to sleep, but couldn't hold it off any longer. Slowly slipping into a deep slumber. 

_They were walking along a forest path, following a small stream. Hands intertwined, their pace slow as they walked silently, listening to the sounds of spring. Shikamaru smiled softly as he saw a doe and her_ _fawn look at them from the shrubbery. Cocked his head as he heard young birds chirping, happy to see their parents had returned with a nice, juicy worm. The worm obviously wasn't so happy about it, but that did nothing to dampen the Nara's mood. He felt light as a feather, completely at peace. Happy. Walking together like this was one of the best feelings in the world.  
_

_Next to him, the other stopped moving, gently tugging at his hand. Shikamaru stopped, turning to his companion. Kakashi gave him one of his eye-crinkling smiles before dropping down on one knee. He pulled a small box out of his pocket.  
_

" _Shikamaru –"  
_

"Shikamaru… Shikamaru… Hey, Cuteness," His shoulder shook a little, and slowly, ever so slowly, Shikamaru opened his eyes. 

"Hey Babe…" He mumbled drowsily, "Wassup?" 

Kakashi smiled at him, "You're taking up the entire bed, Cuteness. And every time I try to squeeze in I get a kick or a blow to the head… I thought it might be safer to wake you up before attempting that again…" 

"Sorry…" He scooted over a little, allowing the older man to crawl over him – Shikamaru hated to be boxed in, but Kakashi never seemed to mind, so the silver-haired man lay next to the wall while Shikamaru always lay on the side that faced the open space of the room. Even though nine times out of ten, Kakashi would wake up first and would have to crawl over him to get out of bed.  
The older man had settled beside him now, and Shikamaru immediately hugged him tight, resting his head on Kakashi's chest. 

"Were you having a bad dream or something?" 

"Neh… Why?" He blinked as sleep tried to overcome him again. 

"Because you tried to fight me…" Kakashi chuckled and Shikamaru smiled contently. Kakashi's chuckles were always the best when he could feel them. 

"No," He started to wake up a little more, lifting his head a little to look at his lover, "I was having a really good one, I think…" 

"Can't remember?" 

"I remember a little…" 

"What was it about, Cuteness?" He smiled fondly, stroking his lover's dark hair. 

"You… And there was a doe… With a fawn… I don't really remember, but I was really happy… Kinda bummed you woke me up…" He yawned, laying his head back down. 

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart." 

"S fine…" 

Kakashi smiled again, pulling his boyfriend a little closer, straining his ears as his sleep dazed lover mumbled something else, "Was a worm… Worm wasn't happy, though… 'Bout to be lunch…" 

Kakashi chuckled again, "Your dreams always sound so weird…" 

" _Not_ weird…" A hand playfully swatted at his stomach, "You were gonna say something, but…" Suddenly, the Nara sat up, a frown on his face, "It was important… It was _important_ and you woke me up!" He pouted. 

Another chuckle from Kakashi as he, too, sat up, softly stroking the younger man's back, "What was I going to say?" 

Shikamaru frowned again, he remembered now, but didn't think it would be a good idea to tell Kakashi that he was dreaming about how his boyfriend was about to propose to him, "I dunno, you woke me _up_ , remember?" 

"I'm sorry," Kakashi said again, "I love you, though…" 

Shikamaru sighed, remembering how this man had dropped to one knee before him, "Not really cutting it right now, Babe… You woke me _up_ , just when it was getting good…" He yawned again, pushing his boyfriend back so he could use him as a pillow, "Just go to sleep, maybe I'll go back there…" 

"Alright, sweet dreams, Cuteness." 

"…'Night…"


	90. You, Me, Right Now

AUTHORS NOTE: Smut, smut, smutty smutty smut smut xD  
Again, _right_ after the previous chappy ;)  
Letsrandom, will a little smuttiness help you relax? ;) 

Marina, thank you for your Beta skills – where would I be without you? Ah… Still posting, of course. But with a _lot_ more errors ;)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 90: You, Me, Right Now

XOXOX

Izumo was startled by a knock on the door. Frowning, he went to check who the hell was disturbing him _now_ of all times.  
 _Damnit, I was just about to have a little 'me-time' and some fucking_ _ **moron**_ _finds the need to interrupt me! Why the hell can't they just wait fifteen minutes?!  
_ Yanking open the door, he swallowed his angry _'What?_ ' just in time, replacing it with a considerably friendlier, "Iruka…?" 

"Hey… Eh…" 

"Come in," He stepped aside, but the sensei didn't move, "Iruka?" 

He swallowed, coming to a decision and quickly speaking before he could chicken out again, "Unless you wanna fuck with Kotetsu next door, _no_. I checked, he's home. You're coming with _me._ " 

"What the…?" 

Iruka sighed impatiently, "Listen Izumo, I'm horny, and I'm _not_ in the mood for a little do-it-myself action. And besides, you _owe_ me after the way you tried to sneak out last time." 

The older man swallowed, "One sec," Rushing inside, he quickly grabbed his keys before heading into the kitchen and grabbing a container of leftovers from the fridge. Coming back out, he closed the door before walking over to Kotetsu's door, "You, eh… You mind stepping back a little?" 

Iruka just sighed again, softly shaking his head. But he did as requested, waiting for Izumo around the corner in the hallway. He could hear Izumo's knock, and the door opening shortly after. Kotetsu's surprised voice, asking his buddy why he was early. Iruka sighed. 

"I, _heh_ , I gotta go, so _… Heh_ , I grabbed some dinner for you, 'cuz I know you don't really have anything in your fridge, so…" 

"Where you goin?" 

" _Heh_ , I, eh… I kinda forgot I had plans already, so…" 

"Okaaay… You know, you don't have to lie or anything… Just say you don't wanna, I mean –" 

"That's not it though! I just… Something came up, so…" 

"Uhuh… _Right_ … Well, I'll see you tomorrow right?" 

"Right… G'night, Tetsu." 

"Night." 

The door closed, and hurried footsteps came closer. Iruka briefly wondered what the hell he was doing, but as Izumo came into view, he pushed the thought away again, "Ready?" 

"Yeah," Izumo smiled a little shyly, trying to ignore how awkward this felt. As he fell in step beside the younger man, he hesitantly spoke up, "Hey… I, eh… I'm sorry about just bailing on you…" 

"And ignoring my existence for the following couple of days, I imagine," Iruka's tone was dry, his pace quick, "I don't want to talk about it, Izumo." 

"Right, well, uh… Okay…" He swallowed, there was an urgency to the younger man that he couldn't quite understand, an underlying tone that was almost a threat, "So… Eh… What's this all of the sudden anyway?" 

"You said it was up to me if it was a one-time thing, right? I'm choosing it's not." 

"Right… This is a little… _Unexpected_ though…" 

"Wouldn't be if you'd bothered to show your face again after that," Iruka increased his pace a little more, "Now shut up." 

XOXOX

Panting heavily, Izumo followed the younger man who was all but running up the stairs to his apartment. Iruka gave an overly sweet smile to the lady across the hall that was peeping through the curtains before opening the door and pulling Izumo with him as he stepped inside. 

Iruka managed not to _slam_ the door shut before pressing Izumo up against it, their bodies flush against each other, "Listen Izumo, I just saw something _really_ hot that I won't go into further detail about because I'm sure you'd find it a total mood killer but right now I'm horny as hell and either you're gonna work with me and stop asking stupid questions or we're gonna have a problem here, understand?" 

Completely stunned, the older man could only nod, a strangled noise erupting from somewhere deep inside his throat before he managed a squeaky, "Okay." 

"Good," Spinning on his heels, Iruka kicked off his sandals before moving inside the apartment, heading straight for the bed as he left a trail of clothes behind. 

Izumo blinked.  
 _What the hell…?_

"Making me wait is bad too, you know!" 

_Right. I think I'm starting to get the picture here…  
_ Quickly following the sensei's example, he toed of his sandals before making his way over to the room. Iruka was already on the bed, sitting on his knees – _completely_ _naked._ Izumo swallowed.  
 _This is only the second time we're doing this! How the hell is he so comfortable?!  
_

The sensei let out an annoyed sigh, " _Clothes,_ Izumo. Too _many_ of 'em." 

He swallowed again, " _Heh_ , right… Eh, Iruka?" 

Another frustrated sigh, " _What_?" 

"Nothing, I was just…" He started unbuttoning his shirt, " _Wondering,_ I guess… I mean," Discarding the shirt, Izumo pulled his undershirt over his head, speaking against the dark fabric, "You're pretty, eh… Confident?" 

The only response was another sigh, quickly followed by tanned hands undoing his buckle. Izumo gulped, throwing the shirt away as quick as he could, hesitantly moving back, "Eh, Choco…?" 

Eyes shot up, fingers now opening the button on his pants, "Yes, I'm confident, so what? I know what I want, and I want it _now_. Are you really going to tell me that you're getting scared?" 

" _No_ … Just… Could you just slow down a little?" 

XOXOX

"He's very busy, Dear…" 

She sighed, "He's too busy to come _home_? I can understand if he's still a little scared and all, but…" Yoshino looked up with pain in her eyes, "I'm his _mother,_ Shikaku! At least _you_ still get to see him at work!" 

The elder Nara snorted, "Hardly. Like I said, he's _busy_. Shikamaru's taken on more work than I ever thought he would. And he still somehow manages to never be in the office…" Shikaku let out a small sigh.  
 _Can't very well tell her that Kakashi's broken down_ _ **again**_ _. Can't very well tell her that Shikamaru's the only one he'll tolerate right now. It's true that he's taken most of the paperwork regarding the preparations for the chuunin exams home with him – wait,_ _ **home**_ _? Yes… I think I might as well accept it. Kakashi's place is home to my son now. Not this house. I wonder how Kakashi manages to still keep that distance between them. He does, I could tell when I was over there, but_ _ **how**_ _…  
_

"Fine," She huffed, getting up from the kitchen table, "Then you're going to go over there and _convince_ him to come home!" Yoshino sniffed, "You have the best chance out of the two of us, Shikaku… _Please_ bring my son home…" 

He slowly closed his eyes.  
 _Can't blame her… I miss him too.  
_ "Next time I see him at the office I'll talk to him, Yoshino. Kakashi… Can't really handle visitors right now…" 

She turned back to him, realization in her eyes, "That's why he's over there? Kakashi's still such a mess…?" 

"He's still off the active-duty list, Dear… So, I think he is."  
 _Actually, I know it. I_ _ **saw**_ _it. And yes, Shikamaru is taking care of him right now.  
_

Slumping against the counter, Yoshino regarded her husband with weary eyes, "Alright… Just… Ask him to come by? Even if it's just for ten minutes, Shikaku. I miss him so much…" 

"I will."  
 _I miss him too…_

XOXOX

Iruka sighed, moving back.  
 _I'm not being fair, here…  
_ "Sorry… I just, got a little carried away, I suppose…" 

He watched the older man swallow, "You could say that again…" 

Iruka chuckled, dropping back on the bed as his chuckles turned into a full-blown belly laugh, "You should… Should… Oh my gosh! Your _face_!" Holding on to his stomach, he rolled to his side, pulling up his knees as his entire body shook. 

Eventually though, the sensei managed to calm down again, sitting up as he wiped the tears out of his eyes. His gaze quickly settled on the older man. Izumo hadn't moved, staring at him. Bare-chested, his pants open but dangling on his hip bones, a confused expression on his face. Iruka chuckled again, "Seriously though… I'm _horny_ …" He whined a little, biting his cheek. 

"Right… I got that," Izumo walked over, pushing his pants down and stepping out of them as he walked. Sitting down beside Iruka, he was still wearing his boxers, and the younger man frowned. 

"Didn't I tell you to take it _off_?"

" _Heh_ , yeah… But, eh…" He swallowed, "Choco, you're scaring me a little, here…" 

Iruka pulled a face, "Sorry…" 

"Yeah, well, it's fine or whatever but… I mean, _you're_ all horny, and I'm –" 

"Hard. Don't try to lie to me because I can _see_ it," Raising one eyebrow, he looked and sounded _exactly_ like the Iruka-sensei his students knew so well. 

"Yeah… But that's not…" 

Iruka sighed again, dropping himself to lay on his back, legs a little apart so as to give the other man a good view, hands folded behind his head, "Take your time… I'll wait," He couldn't keep the disappointment out of his voice, couldn't help the small sigh that escaped him.  
 _Seriously… I know I might've gone a little fast for the guy, but honestly… I was about to jump him the moment he opened his friggin' door!  
_ Closing his eyes, he recalled what he'd seen through Kakashi's kitchen window.  
 _I know I shouldn't have been looking, and I shouldn't think about it now, but… Damn, that was so_ _ **hot**_ _. To watch, that is. I'm_ _ **never**_ _going to try that myself… Still… So hot. Kakashi'd_ _ **hate**_ _me if he ever found out I saw, but… I can't help it. I seriously can't help myself right now. Fuck magazines, I need to get my hands on some_ _ **real**_ _porn… Wait, what was that? No way, I'm_ _ **not**_ _a pervert. I'm_ _ **so**_ _not Kakashi…  
_

"Hey Choco?" 

"Hmm?" 

"You're frowning again… What's wrong _this_ time?" 

Opening his eyes at the insecure tone, he was just in time to see Izumo swallow hard, "It's nothing, just a thought that I didn't like…" 

"About me?" Nervously, his tongue flicked out. 

Iruka sighed, pushing himself up, "About Kakashi. Don't worry about it," Deciding he'd waited long enough, he straddled the older man, pushing his lips against Izumo's. Feeling the other man respond, he deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms around Izumo's shoulders. _  
_

Izumo was easily pushed back on the bed, and Iruka started trailing hot, open-mouthed kisses along the other's throat. For the younger man, this didn't really feel right, but he tried to ignore it.  
 _It's only because I'd much prefer to be the one laying on the bed. Not like I don't like doing this or anything, but preferably not while towering over him. It's just… Something about it doesn't quite feel right. But if I want this to happen, I better just deal with that because there's no way I'm getting Izumo to fuck me if I don't. I know that much…  
_

Moaning softly at the younger man's ministrations, Izumo tried to collect enough of his thoughts to work this out. Figure out if he really wanted it like this. The honest answer was 'no'. Not like this, not with Iruka almost pressuring him into it. He really didn't like Iruka's attitude today, the ordering around without any regard for his feelings. But at the same time…  
 _He's letting me do it again, right? So I shouldn't complain too much. This is what I wanted after all. Unless… Does he want to switch? Try out what it'd feel like to fuck_ _ **me**_ _? It_ _ **would**_ _explain a_ _ **lot**_ _, wouldn't it? As far as I know, Iruka's being all top right now. Maybe that's why he scares me so much…  
_

_Something's got him distracted. I can kiss him all I want, it's not going to do me any good, now is it? Damnit! What the hell is wrong_ _ **this**_ _time?! Didn't he say he wanted to do this more than once? Didn't he like it last time? Was I really that bad? Am I turning him off? Was it the blood? Was I too mean after last time after all? I still don't really know what I did wrong then. Should I've asked about it? But how the hell was I supposed to do that? I was waiting for him to come_ _ **back**_ _! Maybe that was my mistake, though… Maybe I should've tried to go over sooner. Instead of waiting for him to come to me and only showing up when I was too horny to properly think about anything, I should've gone over to just_ _ **talk**_ _to him. Talk about what we did, about what happened after. Should've apologized. Probably. But what for? For crying out loud,_ _ **he**_ _was the one that snuck out! Not me. Well, okay, this is my own apartment, so sneaking out would be more than a little silly…  
_ Iruka sighed, sitting back up on his knees, "Sugar? Look, whatever upset you so much last time, I'm _sorry_ , okay? I never intended to hurt your feelings or anything. I just…" He sighed again, unsure what to make of Izumo's expressionless stare. Getting back up, he took a couple steps back. Right now Iruka wanted _nothing_ more than to feel this man inside him again, but apparently that wasn't going to happen any time soon, "Izumo… Talk to me…" 

He pushed himself up a little, resting on his elbows, "Iruka… 'Whatever you said last time'… Really hurt, okay? I know I'm…" He sighed softly, looking away, "I know you know all about what I'm really thinking about when I'm… Well, you know… But… It kinda hurts to hear you say I should just go ahead and cry about it, because… Well, because I was trying _not_ to cry about it, and I didn't want you to even _realize_ , you know? Because… Well… When we… I didn't…" He pushed himself off the bed, walking over to the younger man. Standing right before the sensei, Izumo's tone was soft, "I was thinking about _you_ , Iruka. All the time, I was thinking about y _ou_. And you made me feel like I was only substituting, and that's not even _true_. I mean… Yeah, _after_ I was a little… Sad, I guess. But not because I expected you to turn into him or anything, I just… For only the slightest of seconds, I didn't really know where I was, and then… Then I remembered. But in that little second, I kind of… But that was only a _second,_ Iruka! And I just needed a minute or so to – Oh, I dunno, recover? But you went and acted as if you knew everything there is to know about me, and you just… You _don't_ okay? You don't. But you act as if you _do._ Which is… It's mean, Iruka. And it hurts. A lot. And you made me feel like it would probably be a very bad idea to ever come back here. But then all of the sudden you show up, and you don't really explain anything, and I'm supposed to just _follow_ you, even though you scare the crap out of me. And then we get here, and you _still_ don't really explain, but you expect me to just roll with it anyway. And you conveniently ignore that having a hard-on has absolutely _nothing_ to do with actually _wanting_ anything to happen… And just… You…" He looked away, then. Walked away too. Grabbing a class out of one of the cabinets, Izumo filled it with water, before turning back to the other man. Taking a thoughtful sip, he waited for this man to react. Any reaction would be fine by this point. Really, _anything_. Was that still Iruka? Or maybe he'd been switched out with a statue when he wasn't looking? 

Iruka stood frozen. Behind him, he could hear Izumo moving around, could hear him turn on the tap. But he couldn't turn around, couldn't face the man.  
 _He was thinking about me? He wasn't… He was thinking about_ _ **me**_ _. And then, when he… Came back, so to speak, he only had about a second where he was… Really? How could I've been so_ _ **stupid**_ _?! But it's true, isn't it? That first time, when he… Eh, jerked himself off, that time, he screamed_ _ **his**_ _name. But… With me… He didn't. He really didn't. I don't quite remember_ _ **what**_ _he said, but he didn't mention that guy. Not once during the entire time… And then I go and screw that up. Oh god… I screwed him up even worse than he already is… I'm…_ _ **Horrible**_ _…  
_

When Iruka finally turned to face him, there were tears in the younger man's eyes, "Izumo, I'm _so_ sorry… I… No, you're right. I was mean to you and I acted like I knew everything there is to know and I should just come off my high horse for once. Because I honestly never meant to hurt you. I assumed something, and I didn't even check to see if that was true but I acted on that assumption anyway. And that was…" Iruka swallowed, "I can only apologize." 

He sighed, setting the glass behind him on the counter before walking over to the younger man, "It's okay, I guess… I mean… I know why you'd assume that, right?" A sarcastic smile worked its way unto Izumo's lips, "But no. I wasn't thinking about anyone else 'cause… Well, you're way too amazing to get distracted…" He blushed, licking his lips a little nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. 

Iruka blinked, feeling a blush creep up on his own cheeks as well. Suddenly he realized that he was standing in the middle of his room, completely naked and with a boner to boot.  
 _Thank god I closed the curtains before going over to Kakashi's… Figuring I'd be home late and wouldn't want to deal with that then is probably my salvation right about now… Imagine if one of the neighbors saw? I'd be losing my reputation at the very least… Wait, why do I even_ _ **care**_ _about that right now? Izumo's here, and he's all but crying and I'm here thinking I'm glad that I've accidentally salvaged my_ _ **reputation**_ _?! Well, yeah… I mean… My livelihood depends on that, right? But right now, Izumo is way more important. But eh… Did he really just say…?  
_ "Sugar… Did you just call me 'amazing'?" There was a slight chuckle in his voice. 

"Yeah… You _are_ …"  
 _So I sucked after all? And you just came to get me 'cause I'm the only option you have? Right… I should've probably known that by now…  
_

Iruka chuckled, "Not anywhere near as amazing as _you_ are… Why did you think I came to pick you up instead of just… You know, doing it myself? It's not like I _can't_ , you know," He winked at the older man, feeling a lot better already. 

_Oh god, he winked again… Seriously, Choco… Stop_ _ **winking**_ _at me…  
_ Izumo could feel his knees slowly giving way. Wrapping his arms around Iruka for two purposes; Stay on his feet and, "You know… I'm glad we solved all that, but _heh_ , you kinda got me _really_ horny here. I mean, you know that already, but…" Not sure how to put it into words, Izumo just leaned over, pressing his lips against Iruka's. Iruka moaned softly, the younger man's tongue coming out to greet his own.  
 _I may not have liked how this all started, but I'm definitely liking where it's headed now!  
_

Hands wandered his chest once again, and Iruka began to slowly push him back. He didn't mind, he'd made up his mind now and there was no way he was going to stop this from happening twice. No way. No way at all. Even if, _maybe_ , it felt a little unsettling when Iruka's fingers curled around the hem of his boxers and he started to pull them down. Pulling out of their kiss, Iruka bent at the knees, pulling the older man's boxers along. Izumo could feel his knees trembling and had to grab on to the tanned shoulders just to stay upright.  
 _Is he gonna…?  
_

But as Iruka moved to stand up once more, Izumo realized he wasn't. Slight disappointment.  
 _I've been wondering how it would feel to have someone's lips there forever after all… But it's not like I'm gonna push him down on me, that would_ _ **certainly**_ _be raping him. And Kakashi would hear, and I would be dead. For real.  
_

Iruka was pushing him back further, and he could feel the edge of the bed against his legs. Izumo swallowed, but the younger man didn't seem to notice his anxiety. He was pushed down on the bed and Iruka immediately moved to straddle him again.  
 _Oh god, he's… He's really going for that, isn't he? He wants to… Oh god, oh god, oh god… Please no… It scares me. Honestly it scares the crap out of me… Please, Iruka…  
_

_Okay… Something's off… Just a second ago he was groping me and kissing me like there was no tomorrow and now… He's gone completely limp again… Wait, it's not – Oh my gosh, it_ _ **is**_ _!_  
Quickly rolling off of the other man, Iruka lay on his side beside him. One hand wandering Izumo's chest while the other supported his head, elbow on the bed. Patiently waiting for Izumo to recover from the apparent shock, he almost chuckled. 

_He's really_ _ **that**_ _scared of bottoming? Bizarre… But whatever, it's not like that was what I was going for anyway, No way, I want to feel him inside_ _ **me**_ _. Nothing can be better than_ _ **that**_ _._  
"Sugar Lips?" 

Izumo moaned softly, relaxing his tightly shut eyes just enough to peek through his eyelashes, "Hmmm?" 

Iruka chuckled lightly. 

_Is he making fun of me?_  
Shooting up, Izumo tried to make it look like he was just trying to get to a more comfortable position. Eventually settling on copying Iruka's. The sensei gave him a warm smile, his fingers returning to ghost over the older man's chest, "Tell me something…" Chocolate eyes turned to his face, Iruka's gaze being both intense and warm, "Does the thought of bottoming freak you out?" 

Izumo swallowed, attempting to retreat behind his hair. But gravity prevented that, and his hair hung towards the bed, "I… Eh… Why, eh… Why would… I mean…" 

"I don't mind, Izumo. And I honestly didn't mean to scare you or anything… And for what it's worth: That's not what I was going for. I just…" Iruka bit his cheek for a moment, "At first I kind of felt like I had to do whatever it took to get you in the mood, because I was horny to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and you kept hesitating. But… Just now, I don't know… Maybe… Maybe I like it a little?" He pulled a little face, "It's not like… I still prefer to be like, the one on his back, but… I kinda like the sounds you make when I touch you," He chuckled again, "Like _this_ ," Swiftly rubbing his thumb over one nipple, his smile turned mischievous as Izumo let out a low moan, falling over on his back. 

Izumo swallowed, pushing himself back to rest on his elbow, he gave the younger man a shy smile, "Yeah… I kinda like when you do that too. But… Are you, _heh_ … Are you seriously okay with me, eh… I mean, yeah… It kinda scares me…" He conceded quietly. 

"That's fine by me, you know…" Iruka sighed softly, "But I'd like it if you'd just _tell_ me stuff like that and not leave me to figure everything out on my own. It kind of breeds misunderstandings, you know?" Watching the older man nod, he continued, "And if I'm seriously _scaring_ you… I don't want that, Sugar. I honestly never meant to scare you. I just… Want to have a good time," He shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable with his own choice of words. But he didn't know how else to say it, so Iruka fell quiet. 

For a few seconds, Izumo just let the other man's words sink in. Feeling beyond relieved by them. But then, he acted. Extending his free arm, he gently pushed Iruka on his back, moving to lean his own body over the younger man. Slipping one leg in between Iruka's, he rested on his elbows, their faces only an inch or two apart. His voice was husky, eyes lidded, "Good time sounds like a plan to me, Hot Chocolate," Dipping his head a little, he latched on to Iruka's pulse, feeling the man squirm under his touch. 

"Ha… _Ah_ … D-do-Ah… Su-Sugar, don- _ah_ …" Feeling just a little annoyed at his own inability to form coherent words, Iruka tried to gently push Izumo's head away. Only, 'gently' proved to not really be an option and the look on the older man's face could only be described as 'hurt'. Iruka swallowed, whispering softly, "I'm sorry, Sugar… I just… Eh, you see…" He bit the inside of his cheek nervously, slightly startled as the taste of blood touched his tongue, "Izumo, the kids kind of… _Noticed._ You know? The mark…?" 

"Oh god! I'm _so_ sorry, Iruka!" Jumping up and away from the sensei, Izumo ran a hand through his hair, effectively though unknowingly pulling his bangs out of his face, "I _swear_ I never meant –" 

"No, no, it's fine," He smiled apologetically as he pushed himself up to sit again, "And I really _do_ love it, but… Well, let's just say I'm not used to getting so embarrassed by my own students…" Swallowing, Iruka looked away for a second before resettling his gaze on Izumo, "And I don't mind that much, but… If it happens too often even my excuse about training is going to get completely see-through…" 

The older man chuckled, "You told them _what_?" 

A mischievous smile reappeared on Iruka's face, "That it's a pressure point…" 

"And you got that mark from _training,_ apparently…" Doubling over, Izumo sank to his knees. Laughing his ass off. 

"Well… I kinda did, didn't I?" Iruka chuckled, but then turned serious again, "I just… I don't like lying to them, you know? But I can't exactly tell a classroom full of eight-year-olds the _truth_ either, so… Could we maybe agree to at least _try_ not to make it that obvious again?" 

"Yeah, sure," Getting back up, Izumo moved to sit down beside Iruka, regarding the younger man with a serious look, "You want me to stay away from there?" 

" _God, no!_ " Iruka chuckled lightly, "Just maybe… Spread it out a little? Not too long at time? Maybe that'll work… Although if I'm honest, I actually don't even _know_ …" He looked thoughtful. 

"Neither do I… But we can definitely try, right?" 

"Right," Smiling wide, Iruka moved back on the bed, "And it's not like I'm _that_ nervous anymore, so…" Placing his head on the pillow, he bit his cheek again, waiting for Izumo to join him. 

He didn't have to wait long, Izumo instantly reacted to the obvious invitation, crawling over Iruka's body and looking the sensei in the eyes. Iruka swallowed.  
 _Okay… Maybe I still_ _ **am**_ _that nervous… It really_ _ **did**_ _hurt a lot, I kind of managed to forget about that little fact…  
_

"Choco? You okay?" His voice was soft and warm, the man was practically _trembling_ under him. Izumo figured there was no way it would be cool to just go ahead now. So he asked. 

"Y-yeah… Just…" He swallowed again, "Maybe a little more nervous than I thought after all…" 

"Okay…" He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. _Iruka_ was the one in for the unpleasant aspects to this, Izumo would just have to be patient with the man, "What do you need me to do?" 

Iruka took the other's example, taking a deep breath himself, "Honestly? I'm not sure…" A quaky smile drifted up to Izumo, "But eh… The lube's in the nightstand so… Maybe it's better to grab that first because it's kind of out of your reach from here, right?" 

"Yeah… Okay," Moving away for a minute, Izumo opened the drawer.  
 _What's this? A porn magazine…? 'Where you bought that dirty magazine that's pretty much been glued to your bedside ever since!' Heh, seems like I found it… Okaaaay, let's not embarrass our dear sensei any further by bringing that up right now… Lube, lube, lube – Where the hell is that thing?  
_

Iruka chuckled, "Having some trouble there, Sugar?" 

"D'you know what _chaos_ it is in here?" Perplexed, he stared at the younger man. But then he remembered his manners, "I'm sorry, I mean –" 

"Nah, it's fine. It's chaos, you're right," Getting up, Iruka leaned over the other man's shoulder. Rummaging around in the drawer for a few seconds, he sighed, " _Really_ messy…" Sighing once more, he began to pull everything out, dropping the items on the floor without ceremony. 

Izumo blinked.  
 _Dirty magazine, another dirty magazine, pencils, notebook, dirty magazine, chewing gum… More pencils – you're breaking them, buddy… Don't just throw pencils on the floor, the little thingy inside them will break and they'll be useless. Kinda like all the junk you keep in there… Seriously?! A bottle of_ _ **water**_ _?! How long has_ _ **that**_ _been there? Nail clippers, another notebook, more pencils, lube, more gum – Wait!  
_ "Right there! You tossed it on the floor with everything else…" 

"Ah, right…" Iruka's smile was a little sheepish, "Grab that, will you? I can't reach…" He moved back on the bed again, waiting for Izumo to do as requested. 

"Eh… Are you just gonna leave all that there?" 

He shrugged, "Shove it under the bed if you want, I'll clean up later." 

Shaking his head at the younger man's untidiness, he pushed the items under the bed before returning to straddle Iruka, lube in hand. He leaned on his hands, gently searching the younger man's face. Iruka was a little pale under his tan, though his cheeks were bright-red. Izumo did his best to keep his tone soft, "What do you want, Choco?" 

Iruka swallowed, looking at the wall as he whispered, "Promise me something, alright? Whatever you do, don't… Don't point out if there's like, blood or anything. Because I was kind of trying to ignore that last time, and… Well, you made that impossible. So…" He looked back now, "Please?" 

"Okay, I won't say anything about it," A soft smile on his lips, Izumo tried to contain his chuckles.  
 _We were both trying so hard to ignore some thing or another that we completely neglected to think about what the other might be trying to ignore… We're kinda stupid, aren't we?  
_

Iruka took a deep breath, "Good. Now," Wrapping his arms around the older man's neck, he whispered, "Come here." 

Gladly complying, he feverishly kissed soft lips, feeling one hand slide down past his neck to rest on his chest once more. As Iruka's hand started to move around, Izumo couldn't hold back a low moan and suddenly the throbbing he'd so valiantly ignored throughout all of this was impossible to ignore for even a _second_ longer. 

Iruka blinked as the older man suddenly pushed himself up again, flushed and panting, "I… Can't… Oh god, Iruka I… Ah, _fuck_ …" Unconsciously, his hand wandered to his own sex – he needed to release that pressure _right now.  
_

Iruka chuckled quietly.  
 _I should've known… He's got a darn good point, though…  
_ A little hesitantly, he followed Izumo's example, pumping his own flesh as he studied the other man doing the same thing.  
 _This is… So hot… Maybe not as hot as watching Kakashi and Shikamaru –_  
A deep moan forced its way out of his throat. Those two thoughts combined? Iruka could already feel his orgasm approaching. So close. And… _Here.  
_


	91. I Want Seconds, Please!

AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah, last chappy, that was a cliffy. Did you notice? Whether or not you did isn't actually important anymore, I guess. Here's part _two._ Oh, the awkwardness… I _love_ it ^.^  
Wait, why do Iz and Ruka keep getting two-parter smut…? 

You people have literally _**no**_ idea how long I was stuck on this chapter though. Let me enlighten you: Three. Whole. Fucking. Weeks. Yes, that's right, I swore and I emphasized and I _still_ feel like I didn't get my point across properly. Let's try this again, shall we? _**Three. Weeks. Of. My. Life. Wasted. On. Smut. That. Did. NOT. Want. To. Be. Written.**_ You heard me. I kind of hate this chapter now, even though I love it. I'm so not even joking anymore, I don't want to write for these guys again. I _will_ , but right now, I need a little break. No more smut for the rest of the week. That's the deal. You just accept it, because my life has got to be very messed up if I can't even whip out a decent smut package anymore. But, that all being said, I hope you enjoy this! (I know I didn't…) 

Thank you for lending me your masterful command of the English language, Marina! And also for being so understanding of the hurt this chapter brought me. You were right, I _really_ needed a little break from this one... Phew! 

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 91: I Want Seconds, Please!

XOXOX

Izumo smiled a little sheepishly, pulling a face at the younger man, " _Heh_ … I eh…" 

Iruka chuckled, "Yeah… Same here…" 

"Yeah, but…" He swallowed hard, vaguely gesturing towards the sensei's stomach, "I _heh_ , I kinda made a mess on you…" 

Iruka burst out laughing, rolling to his side and clutching at his soiled stomach. When he finally calmed down a little, he pulled his hands out of the sticky substance, "Okay… _Kinda_ ew…" Throwing the older man a self-conscious look, he rolled back on his back, wiping his hands on the sheets on either side of him. Izumo was still straddling him, a perplexed look on his face. Iruka tried to clarify, "Not the, eh… _mess_. The fact that I… Kinda put my hands on that…" Chuckling again, he managed to keep his hands away from his stomach this time. 

Izumo chuckled along, resting back on his hands, his body once again overshadowing Iruka, "I eh… Could get you a towel or something?" 

"Nah… It's just going to get dirty again, right?" He swallowed, "Or are you…" 

Izumo blinked, "No… Not done yet… Not unless _you –"  
_

"Oh, _gosh_ no!" Wide-eyed, he stared up. Unsure where to go from here. Iruka knew pretty well what he wanted to happen, just not how to get from _here_ to _there_. He bit his cheek again. 

Izumo noticed the younger man's nerves, and correctly assumed that Iruka probably had no idea how to get from this situation to the one where Izumo would be preparing him to later put his dick inside the sensei. Luckily, Izumo had an idea that might work. Quickly locating where he'd dropped the lube, he placed it closer for easy reach before leaning over again, placing a soft kiss on Iruka's lips, "Choco," He whispered against the younger man's lips, "I'm thinking… Since you're still a little nervous, would you prefer the same kind of approach?" 

Iruka nodded, pulling a little face as he accidentally bumped his nose against Izumo's. A light chuckle tinted his quiet voice, "Yes please. Thank you…" 

"No need to thank me, I like kissing you and I like f– eh…" 

Iruka chuckled, "Fucking me. You can say it…" 

"Yeah… I just… I don't usually say stuff like that…" 

"I know, me neither. But we might as well get used to it, right? Together?" 

Izumo smiled, "Together," Moving back up for a second, he coated his fingers with the lube before proceeding to warm it up. 

"You know…" Iruka suddenly drawled, "Just realized something…" 

"What?" A little anxious, he completely stopped moving, all but staring at the younger man. 

"You just have generally cold hands. It's never going to get up to eh… Well whatever the temperature around those parts would measure…" 

Absentmindedly shaking his head a little so his bangs would cover his eye, Izumo swallowed, "Is that… Bad?" 

"No, just something I should probably keep in mind…" 

"Oh… Okay…" A little disappointed, he sat still for a few more seconds. But Iruka smiled up at him, a warm expression on the sensei's face. 

"I didn't mean it as a bad thing, Sugar. Not at all, I just suddenly realized that you're always a little cold to the touch for me, but it's not like I mind, okay? Now… Come here, you," He winked at him, Iruka was pretty sure that winking would help him through just about _any_ trepidation on Izumo's part.  
 _Wish that would work on my_ _ **own**_ _nerves, though…  
_

Izumo leaned over again, lips connecting with Iruka's. This time, he didn't waste any time in bringing his fingers up to stroke the sensei, and he was rewarded with a low moan and an inability to focus on their kiss. Izumo almost chuckled.  
 _He's just so cute!  
_

Teasing just a little, he tried to find that same spot that had made Iruka gasp the last time, but he couldn't find it again. And as the younger man whiningly demanded he'd stop playing around, he gave up on it. Apparently Iruka preferred him to touch him as little as possible.  
 _That's fine. A little disappointing perhaps, but… I mean, I don't think I'd be too happy with someone just touching me all over either. Can't blame him for feeling the same, now can I? Even if I kinda wish I could just keep this up for a little while longer. But I decided last time, didn't I? When it comes to this part, Iruka has the reigns. He decides when he wants more, and apparently, also when he wants less. Too bad, though…  
_

_Gosh, that felt good… But I kind of don't really want to wait because I'm scared I'll get too nervous again, and it will hurt when I get too nervous… And I kind of want to avoid unnecessary pain, is that so weird? He looks a little disappointed though, should I –  
_ "Ha – ah… S-s-shi-shi-sh- _ah_ …"  
 _Nope. Not talking. One finger in and I'm no longer talking. Just gibberish. I'm a_ _ **teacher**_ _, I shouldn't even be_ _ **able**_ _to lose my vocabulary… This is just pathetic…  
_

_Moaning good, right? Moaning is good, yelping bad. Okay, so what would incomprehensible but probable mild obscenities rank as?_ _  
_Izumo almost chuckled, apparently it was a good thing. Iruka was writhing under him, panting out gibberish that sounded a lot like 'shit' and 'gosh'. He smiled.  
 _Sensei's potty mouth will return soon enough, and for the time being this is just_ _ **so**_ _cute!  
_

A little hesitant, he increased the pace a little, smiling again when he was rewarded with an extended vocabulary. 

"Da-d- _darn_ , tha-that's so g-go-good…" 

Keeping up the pace for a little while, Izumo couldn't help himself. Slowly, ever so slowly, he started to wiggle his finger a little, feeling around a little hesitantly. He paid close attention to Iruka's sounds, to the younger man's face. But it seemed this was alright, so he kept it up.  
 _Damn that feels amazing, though… Who would've ever believed it'd feel so_ _ **soft**_ _in there?  
_

_Oh gosh… I'm not really sure if I'm liking this very much… No, pretty sure I'm not, actually. Now… How do I_ _ **tell**_ _him that? Wait, if he adds the second, he has to pull out, right? And if I manage to catch my breath fast enough, I can tell him then. But… Do I feel ready for two yet? I… Think I do. Pretty sure I do. Positive. I want him to hurry up a little so I can finally_ _ **feel**_ _him!  
_ "S-Sug-S-…"  
 _Damnit!  
_ "T-two gi-gimme t-t-t-two…" 

Izumo stilled, "Choco, I need to be absolutely sure of what you just tried to say here…" Taking a deep breath, he tried to contain his excitement, opening his mouth to speak again only to be interrupted by Iruka. 

"Two, you heard right," Pushing himself up on his elbows, he regarded the older man with a serious look for a moment, "And stop moving around so much… It's not exactly comfortable…" 

Trying to swallow his disappointment, Izumo nodded. Pulling his finger back and checking to see if he'd need more lube. 

Iruka pulled a small face, even though the other didn't see it, "Disappointed?" 

He didn't dare look up right now, knowing his face would give him away instantly, "No…" 

Sighing softly, he gently tapped Izumo's leg, "What did we say about breeding misconceptions, Izumo? Please just be honest with me…" 

He swallowed, "Yeah, okay… Maybe… But, like, it's _your_ body, so…" 

"Yeah," Iruka chuckled lightly, "It is. And you're playing around with it and that's _more_ than fine by me. But I really don't like how that feels, so…" He shrugged a little, "Look, if there's something you want to try, go for it. No, wait," He frowned a little, " _Ask_ first. I have _no_ idea what your mind may come up with next, but… " 

Izumo flashed the younger man a little smile, "Me neither… But I'll remember to ask first… And I won't do that again, okay?" 

Winking, he lay back down, "Sounds good to me. Now, I don't know about _you_ , but _I'm_ getting a little impatient…" 

_Did he just say that? He's getting impatient… Damnit! I shouldn't be making him impatient, I need to hurry a little because the last thing I want is for Choco to say I'm boring him and that he'd rather just do it himself next time…  
_ Quickly returning his – hopefully warm enough – fingers, Izumo started to immediately work his way back to his previous pace.  
 _ **Last**_ _thing I want is for him to get bored with me…  
_

_Oh dear… Did I make a mistake there? You're going awfully fast, buddy! Okay… But it's not actually bad or anything… Actually, I just needed to get used to it, this is pretty good if I'm honest…  
_

Izumo was getting a little anxious, not quite sure what to do now. He'd gotten back up to his earlier pace and Iruka was moaning under him, panting out more of those cute words. Every now and then, the sensei would substitute a 'darn' with 'damn' or a 'gosh' with 'fuck'. As far as Izumo could tell, that meant that the younger man was getting closer and closer.  
 _Does that mean I should hurry more? Is he getting annoyed with me? He_ _ **did**_ _say he wanted me to fuck him, right? This isn't actually fucking, this is just the… Eh… Preparation for that. So what do I do now?  
_

_This feels good, this is nice… I think I'm relaxed, I'm relaxed. Yeah… Pretty sure of that… So… How do I go about this? Let's see…  
_ "Fu-uh, st-to-sto-…Shit…" 

_That_ _ **sort of**_ _sounded like 'stop'?  
_ Stilling his fingers, he looked at the younger man a little questioningly. Iruka smiled at him, winking. 

"Sugar… I think I want more, but…" He bit his lip for a second, "I'm not completely sure if I'm actually relaxed enough for that so, eh…" 

Smiling, he leaned over, "I know what could fix that…" Pressing his lips to Iruka's he shifted a little, making sure that he could still easily reach but kiss Iruka at the same time. The kiss was slow and sweet, with Iruka taking the lead. Izumo didn't mind, not only did he _really_ like this, it would help calm the sensei down enough so he could continue with the necessary stuff. He was getting more than a _little_ impatient himself, after all. Izumo blinked when he realized he could actually _feel_ Iruka's body relax, the tension leaving the muscles of the tanned body under him. Carefully, he extracted his digits, adding one more before slowly pushing back in. For a second, he could feel the younger man tense up again, but then the sensei relaxed once more. Figuring now was as good a time as any to start moving again, Izumo slowly started working up to his earlier pace. The kiss was long gone from Iruka's mind, but he kept placing gentle kisses on the man's lips, his chin, his cheeks – everywhere he could reach.  
 _I still can't get over how much I love just kissing him!  
_

Iruka'd quickly felt his body adjusting to the slight stretch, moaning softly as Izumo's fingers started moving again. In his mind, the little scene he'd all but accidentally witnessed taking place in his best friend's kitchen kept playing over and over, and he could feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge. Not really wanting to climax on _just_ fingers, but unsure how to stop what was happening inside his body right now, he scrunched up his face. The movement inside him stopped once more, and he couldn't hold back the frustrated sound that escaped his throat. 

"Choco? Are you okay? I'm not hurting you, am I? I mean, you're frowning and –" 

"Oh, _shush_ …" Sighing, he pushed himself up on his elbows, "I'm not _frowning,_ Izumo. And you're _not_ hurting me. I'm just…" Looking away, Iruka could feel his cheeks burn in embarrassment, " _Close_. Okay? And I don't…" 

"Don't what?" Izumo blinked, absentmindedly brushing his hair out of his face, unconsciously realizing that Iruka needed him to be open to him right now. 

Gritting his teeth, he let his body drop back on the bed, "Don't want to rob you of this…" 

Izumo cocked his head, nervously licking his lips, "If you, eh… That means no more?" 

Chocolate eyes flew open, "No… We can go again… I just… I'd feel bad if it's only me…" 

Shrugging, Izumo chuckled a little, "I don't. Go for it, seriously."  
 _Lemme watch, 'cause that's one of the hottest things I've ever_ _ **seen**_ _!_

Iruka blinked before looking up at the older man. Izumo looked at him with amusement on his face, mixed in with something he couldn't quite put his finger on – excitement? But mostly, the man looked like he completely _meant_ what he'd said.  
 _Wait… All about the visual, all about the show… He… Yeah, he's seriously looking forward to watching me come! Eh… Do I even_ _ **want**_ _that? Oh, who am I kidding? I don't even_ _ **care**_ _anymore!  
_

Nodding, he tried to swallow his nerves, but there was no need: Izumo's lips were on his throat in a heartbeat, and all of the sudden, Iruka couldn't remember why this was supposed to be so daunting in the first place. Images flashed before his eyes as he felt something inside of him start moving once again.  
Kakashi, bent over the kitchen table as Shikamaru pounded into the older man…  
Izumo, his body convulsing in his climax right here on this bed…  
That enticing man, his picture depicted in the glossy pages of a dirty magazine…  
The time he'd unconsciously studied Mizuki's body when they went to the hot springs together… 

Izumo could barely contain his excitement as the younger man nodded, but Iruka still looked _so_ nervous, so he instantly leaned over, lips connecting to the sensei's throat.  
 _That's how it works with you, right? Kiss you here, and you don't remember how nervous you are. Which is good, because A, there's nothing to be nervous about. And B, I really want to see this. It's all okay, Choco. Don't worry, I got you. Just let it all go…  
_

His hand traveled to his member out of its own free will, but was gently brushed away as Izumo took his burning flesh into his own hand, pumping it in rhythm to his moving fingers. Iruka could feel his fingers curling in the sheets instead, feeling something sticky under his left hand, but too far gone to realize what that was. He could hear his own moans getting louder, every muscle in his body tensing up. 

For a brief moment, he wondered if Iruka would let him, but as he softly brushed the younger man's hand away, there were no objections. Swallowing, he gingerly wrapped his fingers around the throbbing flesh, moving both hands in the same rhythm.  
 _I wanted to do this last time too, before I even got my dick inside you. I love feeling you in my hand Choco, I should tell you that I think. Or would it embarrass you? It's just that… This feels like a dream, and he's so cute, so perfect right now. I want to do this for you, please let me do this for you._

He felt the younger man tense up under his touch, heard Iruka cry out in ecstasy. This _had_ to be one of the best things in the world. Feeling, seeing, _hearing_ how much pleasure he could really bring to another man.  
 _It might even surpass – no, I think actually_ _ **fucking**_ _him is even better. Just barely though…  
_

Vaguely remembering the younger man's plea last time he'd done this, Izumo made sure to let go of the now undoubtedly oversensitive flesh before Iruka's cries quieted down, hesitating before also pulling his fingers out of the man. Leaning over him, Izumo took in every slight detail that Iruka provided him with. The look on his face, the way his back arched. The sound that erupted from deep within the sensei, the way his body emptied himself on the flat, muscular stomach. The specific smell that slowly drifted up to him, Izumo took it all in. 

Iruka opened his eyes to find Izumo leaning over him, studying him.  
 _Well, I suppose I should've expected that…  
_ Not able to deal with the intensity of the other man's gaze, he quickly squeezed his eyes shut again, his tone quiet and just a little whiney, "Please give me some room…" 

Pulling back, he instantly felt bad.  
 _I asked him not to stare at me before too, didn't I? Why did I have to go and embarrass him like that? Because he's so hot, obviously. But I still shouldn't have… I honestly didn't mean to make him uncomfortable…  
_

Peeking through his eyelashes, Iruka sighed in relief. Izumo'd moved away from him, laying on his back beside him. Hands laying across his stomach, twitching ever so slightly as the man blushed, clearly _attempting_ to keep himself in check. Iruka chuckled lightly, rolling over to his side, he rested his head in his hand. Using his other hand to gently nudge Izumo, Iruka spoke softly, "Hey, you okay?" 

"Uh… Yeah?" 

Chuckling again, Iruka pushed himself up, towering over the other man for a moment before dipping his head down, placing soft, lingering kisses on the older man's chest while his hand wandered over Izumo's hip, down over his leg and back up again. He kept this up for a few minutes, feeling the body under him quiver. But out of nowhere, Izumo pushed him away, hands shaking as the older man licked his lips. 

"Choco… Please, can I…?" 

Smiling, Iruka nodded. Happily moving back and laying on his back. He watched Izumo swallow before moving over as well, straddling one leg, "Sugar, I think… Use three, I wanna check something, okay?" 

A little surprised, the man granted his request, recoating his fingers before gently pushing three of them up against the younger man's entrance. Iruka moaned softly as Izumo entered him, a big smile appearing on his face. Propping himself up on his elbows, he beamed up at the older man, "I'm good to go whenever you are, Sugar." 

He blinked, "No more fingers?" Izumo really couldn't keep the anticipation out of his voice, couldn't stop the trembling of his hands. 

Iruka almost chuckled, but then thought better of it.  
 _I got off twice already, he's probably wound up as tight as I was when I first came to get him right now…  
_ He kept his voice soft, "No more fingers. Just you, Tiger." 

Swallowing, he nodded. Moving his body into position.  
 _Okay, now get this right, no slipping out remember?  
_ When he felt pretty comfortable he'd at least gotten _this_ part right, he reached for the lube, pulling a little face as Iruka suddenly chuckled, "I wasn't going to forget _twice_ , Choco…" 

"I know, I just think you're cute. You're _so_ worried about slipping out, aren't you?" 

A little embarrassed, Izumo kept his gaze on his hands, working quickly as he tried not to wince at the cold lube.  
 _Is this how my fingers feel for him? Did he have a problem with me jerking him off because I feel too cold?_

"Sugar…? It's okay, really. I wouldn't mind too much if something goes wrong, but I'm not making fun of you here, I just… I dunno, it's kind of cute how much attention you pay to the slightest detail. Makes me feel… Taken care of, I guess." 

Blinking, he looked up, "What…?" 

Iruka swallowed, "Like… _Safe,_ you know?" 

"I-I didn't realize…? I just… I don't want to hurt you or anything, and…" 

A soft smile appeared on the sensei's face, "That's why you make me feel safe. Because in all honesty… You're kind of in the perfect position to do some real damage here, you know? But I know you won't, and you take really good care of me and… I just feel safe…" 

"I try…" Blinking against the tears, he bowed his head a little, not wanting the younger man to see how much his words meant to him.  
 _It's a little pathetic, right? Me getting all teary-eyed over something like that… It's not like I'm some… Well whatever mean word they're using for gay men nowadays. 'Cuz I'm not. Well, I'm gay… Kinda shouted that out to the world, I suppose. And now I'm only proving it, right? But I'm still a guy, guys don't cry._

Iruka tried not to giggle at Izumo's clear attempt to hide his tears, deciding to take just the compliment without further comment. As he felt Izumo gently press up against him though, all other thoughts dissipated from his mind. 

_This is never going to stop feeling amazing, is it? I never could've imagined how_ _ **tight**_ _this is!_ _ **Got**_ _to be better than a girl, right? I mean, they push entire_ _ **babies**_ _out of there! Ugh, gross. Stop thinking about that – you're gonna go soft from that!  
_

_You know what? It hurts a lot less than last time. Which is great, but not even_ _ **half**_ _as amazing as the fact that it actually seems to feel even_ _ **better**_ _this time. See? Kakashi was right, you just have to get used to it. And bottoming isn't scary – it's_ _ **heaven**_ _!  
_

Izumo could feel something coil in his loins, could feel he wouldn't last much longer. He'd been too excited for too long. Unsure if Iruka was anywhere near where he was right now, unsure if the younger man would hold it against him if he didn't get off this time, he tried to hold it back. But there was no stopping the waves crashing over him now. 

" _Hu…Ah… Ngh…Shi-_ _ **fuck,**_ _ah_ _ **… FUCK**_!" 

Iruka blinked.  
 _Seriously? Already? Seems like… You know what? I don't even really care, I'm_ _ **exhausted**_ _…  
_

Catching the older man in his arms, Iruka hugged him tight while at the same time trying to move his hips a little.  
 _Sorry buddy, but this time you're getting out before it hurts too much.  
_ "Ah…"  
 _Hallelujah! That's better… And now, we wait. Take your time, Izumo but be aware – I may seriously fall asleep on you here…_

Opening his eyes again, he looked up at Iruka, getting a sleepy 'Hey…' for his trouble. Izumo chuckled lightly, "You tired, Choco?" 

"Exhausted, no offense…" He turned his head away, yawning. 

Izumo smiled, pushing himself up, "I'll just take that as a compliment, then," Frowning a little, he added, "Hey, Choco? Let me go, please…" 

"No," He mumbled, "Stay…" 

"No, seriously… Don't hold on to me like that," He sighed softly, "Look, I'm not going anywhere, okay? Just… _Please_ let go off me? I can't handle this…" 

Chocolate eyes flew open, and Iruka immediately let go, "Sorry, I didn't mean –" 

"It's fine," Izumo sounded almost grumpy, "I just can't deal with people clinging to me, okay?" 

"Okay," Whispering, he bit back the tears that Izumo's behavior once again pulled out of him, "I'm sorry, I didn't know…" 

"Yeah, whatever," Falling to his back beside the younger man, Izumo took a few deep breaths, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, I just…" He shot Iruka a apologetic look, "I have a touch of claustrophobia, and you keeping me in place isn't exactly helping much…" 

"Ah…" The sensei's voice was soft, a conscious attempt to make sure history didn't repeat itself and they didn't end up in another argument, "I understand, I won't do it again. Promise." 

"Thanks… you know, I'm actually kinda tired myself… I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay awake…" 

Iruka smiled softly, "That's fine… Bed's big enough," Shrugging a little, he pulled the blanket over both of them. His last conscious thought before he drifted off to sleep was happy as can be.  
 _I'm not going to wake up alone… For once in my life, I'm not going to wake up alone…_

Izumo heard the younger man's breathing even out, waiting another ten minutes or so to be sure that Iruka was fast asleep. Quietly slipping out of bed, he pulled up his pants, stuffing his boxers in his pocket for the time being. Reaching under the bed, he pulled out one of the pencils and a notebook that he'd shoved under there at the sensei's request. He spent a few seconds scribbling a note before grabbing his clothes and toeing his way out of the apartment of Iruka Umino. 

_Choco,  
I forgot I have an early shift.  
Sorry, but I had to go,  
Izumo_


	92. Oh, How The Mind May Wander

AUTHORS NOTE: _**So, I am pleased to inform you all that my Beta, the wonderfully amazing Marina0117, has finally started posting as well. Well, she had already, there is a oneshot on her page that I challenged her to do. But now, something wonderful has happened: A true original story from Marina! No challenge, no me sticking my little nose in – well, a little, but hey, that's just me.  
This one is called 'Awakening'. I've read it, and it's pretty damn good, people! Seriously, you should give her a change. Still a little new to uploading, but Marina is definitely an accomplished writer. She only needs some encouragement. Which is where YOU all come in. If you're reading Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives, chances are, you're into hurt/comfort stories. Maybe angst or psychological stuff. Which is all there! Seriously, go check it out!  
**_

_**Nerissi's recommendation for you,  
Story: **_**Awakening  
** _ **Author:**_ **Marina0117  
** _ **Categories:**_ **Hurt/Comfort & Romance  
** _ **Sub-Categories:**_ **Drama, Angst & Tragedy** _ **  
Summary:**_ **How do you protect the woman** **you love** **from the man who made you what** **you are? The truth is,** **it** **doesn't** **matter how, as long as you keep her safe in the end. **Rated M for violence** **and** **adult themes****

 _ **Okay, seriously folks, I'm not one to use my own A/N to pitch someone else's story, but this is really good. And I'm pretty sure that at least SOME of you will agree ^.^**_

Now, onto my own story again ^.^ 

We´re doing a little time-skip people. I know I've pretty much gone from day to day up until now (except for the earliest chapters) Implying every now and then that there may have been a day or two you've missed – this time it's a little longer. You'll see when you start reading ^.^ 

_Marina, thank you once more for being my Beta!  
_

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 92: Oh, How The Mind May Wander 

XOXOX

Izumo was stirring his morning coffee, pondering about how things had turned out between the scarred schoolteacher and himself.  
 _It's strange... Just a few weeks ago, I never would have guessed I'd ever even..._ _ **Touch**_ _a man. Not like that, anyway. And I always thought that even_ _ **if**_ _I ever did, it would be awkward, 'cause, let's be fair here... It's not exactly... I mean, when you grow up, everyone expects you to find a nice girl, settle down, make babies. That sorta thing.  
But with Iruka... It's actually not even awkward. Yeah, okay maybe a little... But that's just because we're both so new to this, right? Iruka really is so patient, and he's pretty cute, too. Not that I'm falling for him or anything, but... I guess it's kinda nice that he's at least nice to look at, right? And we get along really well, guess that's important too.  
_

_God, how long has it been since we started this? Not even long, right? About... Three weeks? I think it's been about three weeks since we... Well, made out, I suppose. And then the next day we found ourselves over at Kakashi's apartment..._ _ **That**_ _was awkward though... Especially Shikamaru.  
I still can't believe those two are actually __**dating**_ _. Though, at the same time... I can. They go really well together, don't they? Sure, Shikamaru is just a kid, but... Both Iruka and Kakashi seem to agree that he's really not... I dunno, I guess I don't know him well enough to judge that. All I know is the kid always looks bored. Not so much when he's with Kakashi, though... When was it that I saw them again? Day before yesterday, right? Kakashi was trying to pick out some fish at the market, and Shikamaru was goofing off... To anyone else, he would have been_ _ **so**_ _annoying, but Kakashi just smiled. Heh, the whole thing looked so_ _ **domestic**_ _...  
_

_Not like me and Iruka, we just get along really well. We're good friends, I guess... And we fuck. A_ _ **lot**_ _. I honestly can't even believe it's only been about two weeks... God, we're like a couple of horny teenagers! Heh... It's fun, though... And it feels so good. Better even than I could've ever imagined.  
_

He moaned softly, the very _thought_ of the younger man was making his body come to life, heating up.  
 _Wow... Heh, that's a little embarrassing... But, hey, the guy's hot, right? Damn, I don't even_ _ **know**_ _how many times we've done it already..._

XOXOX

"Asuma…" The silver-haired man frowned lightly, "What are you doing here _again_?" 

The bearded jounin rubbed the back of his head, "I just… Wanted to apologize again, I suppose. And I wanted… To let you know that–… Look, can I come in?" 

"No," Crossing his arms before his chest, the copy ninja took a defensive stance, "What do you _want_ Asuma…?" 

"To make things _right,_ Kakashi. I only want to make things right…" He sighed, this wasn't going according to plan.  
 _Kurenai and her little plans… Of course the guy doesn't want to see me! I said I'd_ _ **prove**_ _I was worthy of being his friend, right? Just going over isn't exactly proving much…  
_

"Don't expect to win me over so easily, Asuma," He sighed, "Look, maybe another time I'd let you in. But not right now. Right now I have to get ready for an appointment and I don't have time to deal with you. Also… I'm not yet sure if I even _want_ to. Come back another time, Asuma. Preferably not between one and four PM, okay?" He turned to close the door, a small smile on his face as Asuma's voice drifted back to him through the small crack before the door closed. 

" _Anything_ , Kakashi. I'll be here, I'll be here every day if that's what it takes. Anything."

XOXOX 

"One thousand three hundred and six… One thousand three hundred and seven… One thousand three hundred and eight… One thousand – "  
 _I wonder how Kakashi is holding up… He seems to be fine again, as does Shikamaru.  
_

Gai chuckled a little, sweat dropping to the ground as he kept doing his push-ups, "One thousand three hundred and eleven… One thousand three hundred and twelve…"  
 _They're together now, I am certain of it. What I do not understand is why they have not told me –have they told Iruka? Choji? I wonder if I am the only one being left out here…  
_

"One thousand three hundred and fifteen… One thousand three hundred and sixteen… One thousand three hundred and seventeen…"  
 _Though, I cannot blame them… After all, it is forbidden love, is it not? And Kakashi still assumes he got me drunk enough that night. Drunk enough so I would not be able to come to the conclusions that I inevitably drew anyway… That night when my rival challenged me, the night my friend came out to me… It was clear then. Did Shikamaru make his move that night? He_ _ **did**_ _have the determination in his eyes, but maybe it took him longer, after all. Who knows? I don't. I most likely never will…  
_

"One thousand three hundred and twenty-one… One thousand three hundred and twenty-two…" 

XOXOX 

"Lady Hokage," Shikaku walked in, carrying a stack of files, "Good morning." 

"Ah, good morning, Shikaku. What a _pleasure_ to see you first thing in the morning with a stack about the size of the bloody monument!" She sighed, "Sorry… I'm just a little anxious right now…" 

"Why?" He dropped the files, picking up the coffee she's set out for him and taking his first sip of the day before dropping in his chair. 

She rummaged through the files he'd brought over, checking to see what they were about, "Appointment with our favorite basket case at nine-thirty…" 

He immediately straightened in his chair, "Kakashi?" 

"Yep... What's this?" She held up one of the files, looking quizzical. 

"Undercover report from Haino and Mikan, nothing new to report, unfortunately…" 

"Ah…" She put the file back down, it wasn't important, then, "As far as Kakashi goes, I've seen him almost every day since our, eh," She chuckled, " _Dinner date._ Anyway, never long, he's doing better by the day, though. And today is the first day he's agreed to see me without – eh…" 

"Without Shikamaru present, I get it…" He sighed, "I've lost my son, Tsunade… I never see him anymore…" He knew he sounded whiny, but right now, Shikaku didn't _care_ anymore. 

"Aren't you overreacting a little?" She quirked one eyebrow, "Sure he's staying over there, but… You're still welcome to visit right? Didn't you go over, Shikaku?" 

"I did, three times. First time, I got about five minutes before he says he has to get groceries before the stores close. I ask if I can come with, he declines. Fine.  
Second time, I get there, Kakashi opens, says my son's in the shower, fine. So I wait. Guy doesn't say a freaking word, just _sits_ there… Fine, you know, he's gotta still be a little scared I figure, so I try to put him at ease… And suddenly Shikamaru shows up, starts yelling how I'm scaring Kakashi, tells me to get the hell out. Okay… To be fair… The guy looked a little over-anxious, probably said something wrong…" He sighed, taking another sip of coffee, "So, day before yesterday, I go over again. Thought I'd bring 'm something, Kakashi you know, for scaring him?" He looked at Tsunade, knowing she'd probably heard all this from Kakashi already, but she still managed to look interested, to be his friend right now, when he needed her to. More than anything else, Shikaku needed a friend right now, "Only… I had _no_ idea what to bring the guy, so, eventually, I settle on a bottle of sake… Probably not the _best_ idea, but…" 

"He doesn't drink very often," She interrupted him softly, "But he appreciated it nonetheless, Shikaku. The bottle will probably last him about six months, but that's not the point…" 

"Yeah… Shikamaru hated it, though…" 

Tsunade chuckled, "He's being _so_ overprotective! You'd think Kakashi was his _boyfriend_ or something!" 

"Tsunade," He looked at her, dead serious, "I'm pretty sure he is…" 

XOXOX 

"Gai, a word?" 

"Neji! I am _so_ happy to see your youthful appearance this _lovely_ mor –" 

"Right… I momentarily forgot that you're even worse before lunch…. Please forgive the intrusion," Turning on his heels, Neji Hyuga left the training grounds. But Gai was hot on his trail, placing a hand on his student's shoulder, his tone considerably lower. 

"What is the matter, Neji?" 

The young man sighed, but didn't turn around, "There is… A girl. She insists on following me around. It… Annoys me." 

Gai chuckled, "Almost everyone annoys you, Neji… That's why I'm such a fan of you!" For a moment, he couldn't hold back, letting the excited Gai that everyone knew and most everyone disliked shine through. But he turned serious again after that, "Did you tell her you aren't interested?" 

"I did. On several occasions. At first, I tried to be gentle. When that didn't work, I said it bluntly. When that didn't work _either_ ," He sighed, "I gave up." 

"Take her on a date," His sensei offered, "She might surprise you. And if she doesn't…" He shrugged, smiling as his pupil finally turned to face him, "Act like a jerk. She'll get tired of that soon enough…" 

The Hyuga looked at him incredulously, "You don't date at all, do you?" 

He only winked, giving the other a thumbs up, "I don't know what else to tell you, Neji. Who is this girl?" 

Visibly paling, Neji stumbled back a few paces, "You know what? Never mind," Turning, he all but fled the scene. 

Maito Gai scratched his chin.  
 _What the hell just happened…?  
_

XOXOX 

_That first time, though… That was a little embarrassing… First that talk with Kakashi there, and then he actually had to…_ _ **Explain**_ _things…  
_ Izumo shuddered at the memory. Quickly taking a sip of his coffee to calm himself down a little again. 

_And then we went and found that store… And Iruka was blushing all the time. I was too, probably, but no way that I looked as cute as he did! Aww… I'm kinda glad that guy didn't hassle us too much though… Just asked if we needed help, and backed off when we said no. I was half-convinced the rumors would start to spread the minute we left there, but it seems he kept his mouth shut… I guess you also pay for a certain amount of privacy there…  
Thank god…  
_

_And then we went to Iruka's place… Oh my god… He… He's hot either way, but… No clothes? Definitely and improvement… Oh god…  
_ He swallowed hard, feeling his body react once more at the memory. He sighed, taking another contemplative sip. 

_X_ OXOX

"You wanted to see me?" The young Nara leaned against the doorframe, looking lifeless. 

Yoshino sighed, unsure whether she was relieved to see him, or upset to see him like _this_ , "Shikamaru –" 

"What do you _want_ from me…?" His eyes darted around the kitchen, never lingering anywhere, never looking at her, "I'm busy…" 

She frowned, drying her hands on the towel, "I know. But you're never home anymore. I wasn't even sure if you were still alive, and –" 

"You're overreacting…" He sighed, "Whatever, you've seen me, I'm alive. Stop hassling me woman, I've got work to do," He turned to leave but a sudden hand on his shoulder stopped him. Yoshino gripped her son tight, tears stinging in her eyes. 

" _Shikamaru!_ You just _got_ here! At least sit down, have a cup of tea with me." 

He turned to face her, almost growling at his own mother, "I'm _sick and tired_ of _tea_ , woman! Let _go_ of me, for fuck's sake! I'm _not_ your little boy anymore, so just fuck off, will you?!" Brusquely pulling himself out of her hold, Shikamaru Nara stormed out the door.  
 _Bloody moron, why did you even go over there? Kakashi needs you, she's nothing but a distraction. Family is nothing but a damned_ _ **distraction**_ _! I don't wanna deal with family anymore… I need my dose of Kakashi, and I need it_ _ **right now.**_

XOXOX 

Neji sighed, walking through Konoha's morning rush, his mind in turmoil.  
 _Gai doesn't understand, and how could he? To make him understand, I would have to explain that this girl is my very own little niece. Just a child. And if all that wasn't bad enough, I would have to explain to him that I too, find myself attracted to her. More than that, I am quite certain that I feel the same way about her as she does about me. I could never tell anyone that.  
_

_Wait… I told Kakashi. I did. Way back on that mission, I told him. When he told me that he is… Gay. Hard to say which of us thought they had it worse. Gay isn't a problem though, not to me at least. The problem was the guy's clear distraction, the unmistakable aura of depression around him. Which I don't understand… It's just a different orientation. Unlike my own predicament. That borders dangerously close on the edge of pedophilia. But I don't feel this way about her because she is young, I feel this way about her because of who she is. And she's gorgeous, of course. So is Hinata, but I don't feel like this about Hinata. I respect her, and I care for her. But I wouldn't ever consider how it would feel to kiss her. I wonder how it would be to kiss Hanabi though. How she would react to my touch. I would like to brush her bangs out of her face, place a soft but slightly lingering kiss on her lips. I would like to spend time with her, make her happy…  
_

Frowning, Neji pushed the thoughts aside again. It was no use thinking about it. He would have to find a way to discourage the girl, no matter what his heart told him.

XOXOX

"Babe," Shikamaru smiled a little tiredly, leaning against the doorframe. 

Kakashi looked up, immediately putting the book down. His lover looked tired, but not too bad, and he was here as promised. The silver-haired man sighed softly, opening his arms to invite his boyfriend in. Shikamaru wasted no time in snuggling up to him, and Kakashi hugged him tight for a little while, burying his nose in dark locks, "I'm happy you could make it…" 

"Uhuh," Shifting, Shikamaru looked up, placing a soft kiss on his lover's lips, "I said I'd be here, right?"  
 _And I need you right now. I'd be here even if I had no time to spare. Actually… I don't have any time to spare… Damn I'm so tired…  
_

Kakashi didn't notice his boyfriend's slight distraction; the man was too distracted by his own worries.  
 _He's here, he's come to help me calm down… Tsunade's going to be here in less than an hour, so I really need to calm down now.  
_ Hugging Shikamaru a little tighter, he consciously tried to calm down his erratically beating heart. Soothed by the mere presence of the man he loved above all else. 

Shikamaru leaned back against his lover a little, Kakashi's tight hug was almost painful, but he didn't mind. He needed to be as close as possible to this man right now. Turning a little in Kakashi's arms, he wrapped his own arms around the older man's neck, placing a few light kisses on soft skin.  
 _He's here with me and I can stay here with him. Don't have to think about that annoying woman anymore, don't have to think about dad anymore. Family's just a nuisance, they'd never understand anyway. Kakashi's more important than anything in the world. They just don't get it.  
_

Placing a few more kisses, he slowly trailed his way back to the first and only lips he'd ever kissed. The best lips to kiss in the entire world. When Kakashi turned his head a little, Shikamaru frowned, "What's wrong?" He sighed. 

_He sounds annoyed again… What did I do? I'm just – I'm all nerves right now! I can't figure it out! I don't know what I did wrong! Oh god… Please Shikamaru, please don't be mad at me, I don't know what I did wrong but please don't be mad at me?  
_

"Babe?" Confusion caused him to frown once more, "Babe, talk to me…"  
 _Seriously? Right now?  
_

"I-I don't," Kakashi swallowed, his pitch higher than usual, words coming out quick and unarticulated, "I'm – I'm sorry, I-I don't, eh, I, eh… Shi-Shikamaru? I'm – I don't –" 

"Forget it," A frustrated sigh escaped the young Nara, and he turned away. Getting up from the bed, he moved toward the door, "Look," He didn't turn around, one hand on the doorframe, the other balled to a fist inside his pocket, "I _know_ I'm working too much right now, and maybe I can't be there for you every time you need me. But that's –" Suddenly turning, he all but yelled, tears in his eyes, "Why're you pushin' me away? Just 'cause I gotta work so much? That's not _fair,_ Kakashi!" Slumping back against the doorframe, he allowed his body to sink to the ground. 

For a few heartbeats, Kakashi could only stare.  
 _What the – Did he think I was angry with him? That's… So Shikamaru, isn't it?  
_

Quickly moving now, he got up. Sinking to the floor beside his crying boyfriend, Kakashi wrapped his arms around Shikamaru, pulling the young man tight against his own body, "I'm not upset about that at _all,_ Cuteness. I'm actually incredibly proud of you for making everything run so smooth _despite_ the fact that there's no-one actually _helping_ you. And I'm _definitely_ not pushing you away because you work so much. I want to be there for you as much as I can, I really do. It's just that, right now, I'm really nervous about being alone with Tsunade. And so I wasn't actually paying enough attention to what _you_ were feeling, and I'm _so_ sorry, Cuteness. I really am so, _so_ sorry…" 

Pushing his face against the older man's chest, Shikamaru's voice came out muffled and tiny, "You're really not mad?" 

" _No._ Absolutely not. Just anxious. I truly didn't mean to hurt your feelings, never." 

"Kay… Sorry, Kakashi… I didn't pay attention to you either… I'm just so tired, and you pushed me away and I…" He sniffed, pushing himself even tighter against Kakashi's body. 

"I know, Cuteness. I know you're tired," Softly stroking the Nara's back, he kept whispering soothing words. Until, a few minutes later, Shikamaru untangled himself from their embrace. Wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands, he looked up at Kakashi. 

"Sorry 'bout that…" 

Smiling, he brushed his hand over dark locks, "Don't worry about it. And actually… I think you kind of helped me," He cocked his head to the side, an amused expression on his face, "Comforting you calmed _me_ down as well, selfish huh?" 

Shikamaru smirked, "Nope," He glanced up at the clock, "She's gonna be here in a little while though… You gonna be okay?" 

"Yeah, think so. You?" 

"Uhuh… But if I don't get back to the office real soon I'm gonna be in serious trouble… Guys were supposed to hand in the paperwork yesterday, still haven't even got half of it back. If I don't get my hands on those forms soon it's gonna be another all-nighter…" 

Kakashi swallowed, "Please don't, Shikamaru… You're too tired to be pulling all-nighters. I'd much rather just tuck you in right _now_ , I don't want to have to watch you collapse..." 

"I won't, Babe," He gave his lover a quick peck on the cheek, dragging his tired bones to a standing position, "Gotta get this stuff ready 'for Neji's team leaves tomorrow mornin'. They're gonna pass right by Suna, so Tsunade told 'em to deliver the stuff. Honestly I'm glad, 'cause otherwise I'd have to go myself. So I just gotta get the package ready, and then I'm off until I get word back from them, okay? And then Imma rest up real good. 'Kay?" 

Kakashi sighed quietly, rising to his feet, "Alright… Just don't overdo it Cuteness," He gave his lover a soft kiss before walking the Nara to the door. Closing it behind him, Kakashi turned into the kitchen to get the tea ready. Tsunade would be here in less than ten minutes.

XOXOX _  
_

During his musing, Izumo´s hand had unconsciously slipped into his pants, moaning as he worked his body, getting the pent up energy out. 

"Fu – _Ah_ … _Oh,_ yes… Fuck… Ah!" 

Cheeks red, he sat for a minute, trembling slightly. Picking up his coffee mug, he took the last sip, just as a knock on his door sounded through the apartment. 

_Shit, that's Tetsu…  
_ "Hang on a minute!" Moving quickly now, he discarded his pants and underwear, kicking them under the bed as he wiped himself down with the towel he'd used after his shower. It would have to do, Izumo decided, pulling up a fresh pair of underwear and a clean pair of pants. Moving over to the door, he closed the zipper and button, before letting his best friend in. 

"Morning, Iz, I eh… Was out of coffee…" 

He chuckled, "Forgot to take your list with you when you went shopping again?" Izumo stepped aside to let his friend in. 

Kotetsu sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah… Mind if I drink yours?" 

"Nah, not at all man, fresh pot in the kitchen. Had breakfast yet?" 

"No," Kotetsu chuckled a little, "You know I don't do early mornings… I woke up about ten minutes ago, took a shower, then knocked here…" 

"Right, I'll get to breakfast for two, then."  
 _Thank god… That means he couldn't have heard me just now…  
_


	93. Secrets Can't Be Kept Forever

AUTHORS NOTE: ´Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives´ and now I´m telling you that ´Secrets Can´t Be Kept Forever´… Hmmm… Kind of a contradiction, no? It's a fact though, the harder you try to hide, the greater the chance of your secret coming out. (Wow… why do I keep repeating the term 'coming out'? I'm weird…) Anyway, that's what this chapter is all about. The almost pathological need to keep your own secrets guarded at all costs. And the trust that you put in others when you finally decide to let those secrets go. Although you can never really know for sure how that's going to work out… 

Thank you Marina, for another useful and amazing Beta. Thank you for fixing what I call my 'Spaghetti Grammar' – those long, long running sentences with _way_ too many comma's. You're right, you _did_ help me break the habit. Only… I wrote this chapter before I ever even knew you… ;)  
That's right people, I work ahead. I have a list of 'unplaced chapters' that just keeps on ever growing, and I tweak them around the time I fit them in so they match the storyline. Which is why poor, poor Marina has to deal with my incessant re-writing every couple of chapters or so. Doing Beta on the same piece two (isn't it sometimes even three?) times. Seriously folks, she deserves some major recognition for that!

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 93: Secrets Can't Be Kept Forever 

XOXOX

"It's just gonna be a simple breakfast, though, 'Tetsu…" Izumo drawled out as he watched his friend pour himself a cup of coffee. 

"It's fine, Iz… Honestly, I … eh…" He dropped a more than generous amount of sugar in his cup, before turning to grab the milk out of the fridge. Back turned to his best friend, he continued, "Are eh… You and Iruka, I mean, what's going on there?" 

Izumo blinked, "What do you mean?" 

"Nothing…" He poured the milk, then put it back in the fridge, something Izumo wasn't used to. Normally he had to remind Kotetsu of little details like putting milk back in the fridge, cleaning up a spill right away, not leave food standing on the counter…  
"It's just that… I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but… You're over at his place all the time all of the sudden… I mean… After we, eh… _Talked it out_ … I guess, it was kinda clear that you two got along, but… I guess what I'm trying to ask is," He looked up now, looking straight into Izumo's eyes, "Do you like him, buddy?" 

He could feel his cheeks instantly start to burn, eyes wide as his tongue nervously flicked over his suddenly dry lips, "Tetsu… It's _heh_ , it's not like that…" 

"I don't mind, Iz, really. I mean, he's a good guy from what I hear, and –" 

_And I still love_ _ **you!**_ _  
_"Still, it's not like that."

Suddenly, a dirty grin appeared on Kotetsu's face, and he leaned a little closer, all but whispering, "Then what's it like, Izumo? Because I've known you for all my life and I honestly can't remember your last name being Umino…" 

"What?" Confused, he stared at the grinning man, but Kotetsu didn't reply, instead pointing at the pocket on his uniform pants. Izumo had to get a little acrobatic to see, but there it was, right under the belt, dark-blue thread spelling out the name 'Umino', absentmindedly, he mumbled, "Must've grabbed his…" 

"So..." Kotetsu drawled, "Must've grabbed _his_ , eh? When? It's not like you've ever spent the night there, and you just confirmed that you didn't _borrow_ them, either…" 

"Borrow?" One eyebrow quirked. 

"Cuz of the rain, but you _didn't,_ did you?" Kotetsu gave him the dirtiest wink he'd _ever_ seen, and that was saying something, considering he'd spent hours in the same room as Kakashi Hatake, while the latter explained the finer details of having sex with another man… 

"I… _Heh,_ I guess I did. Must've forgotten about it…" Izumo stepped back a little, rubbing the back of his head uncomfortably, "Hey, eh… If you want breakfast, you should probably scram… Kitchen's a little small for two, remember?" 

Kotetsu winked again, "Alright…" Walking off, he wiggled his ass a little, "Did ya like it?" 

"Shut up!" Red-faced and embarrassed to the core, Izumo swallowed.  
 _Oh my god… I'm so doomed…_

XOXOX 

"Hi, can I help you with something?" 

Raidou regarded the blonde girl warily for a moment, "Eh… Probably not…" He turned to leave but found himself stopped by a warm hand on his arm. 

"It's for a girl, right?" Ino asked him calmly, "I was just setting out the new supplies, I think I've got _just_ the thing for you," She winked, pulling the man with her into the store. 

"No, really… It's fine, I don't think – " 

"Oh, don't be _silly_ , every girl likes to get flowers, right?" She pulled him along to one of the displays, a little to the back of the store, "Look, these would be _perfect._ They're called –" 

"Look, no offense young lady, but I really think you've got this figured wrong…" 

"No I haven't…" She cocked her head to the side, "Unless you think that Shizune would prefer roses, but that might be a little much so soon, don't you think?" 

Raidou swallowed, stuttering an apology before bolting from the Yamanaka Flower Shop. 

Ino just smiled at the retreating man.  
 _He'll be back…_

XOXOX

"Tsunade," He nodded at her a little nervously, before stepping aside to let her in. 

"Kakashi, how've you been?" She followed him into the bedroom. He'd already prepared the tea – a small upside to agreeing on a certain time for the appointment. She'd quickly realized that he actually preferred it that way, and Tsunade didn't mind. All she had to do was make sure she showed up _exactly_ on time, which usually meant she spent about ten minutes out on the street, looking at the clock. 

"I'm… Good," He offered cautiously. 

"How does it feel not to have Shikamaru here?" She'd sat down, and now picked up her tea, blowing on the still scalding hot liquid. 

"A little scary… But… It's not like… Like it's all that new, or anything, just… You know…" 

"I know," She studied him through her eyelashes, he seemed a little anxious, but not too much, as he leaned his back against the wall, crossing his legs before calmly pulling down the mask to drink his tea. That face still got her every single time… 

"But… It's… I just don't really know what to talk about, I suppose…" He all but buried his nose in his tea, cheeks pink. 

"No? Then how about we talk about this; Do you still _need_ Shikamaru to be here?" 

He gulped, carefully setting his tea back down, "Tsunade…" He pulled up his mask, his knees and his guard, "Please stop…" 

She regarded him seriously for a few moments, but he hadn't said their safe word yet, so she decided to just tread lightly, but continue nonetheless, "Why?"  
 _Was Shikaku right after all? Could I have_ _ **really**_ _missed that?  
_

"Because…"He hesitated, clearly hesitated, but spoke up nevertheless, "Because you scare me…" 

"By asking about it?" 

"By being here…" 

_Okay… So maybe not.  
_ "Because of what happened then?" 

He swallowed, reaching for a cigarette with trembling hands, "That… Too." 

Frowning just a little she asked, "What else?" 

He sighed, then, shifting on the bed, "Remember when we first spoke about this therapy thing?" 

She nodded, taking a sip of her tea. 

"I told you then that I don't feel comfortable having a stranger know so much about me, right?" 

"Yes, and I also remember that at one point you said you hardly even knew me. But hasn't that changed over time, Kakashi?" 

"It has…" His voice was gruff, suppressed emotions clearly present, but which emotions were they? "I think we've _both_ gotten to know each other pretty well since we started this whole thing… And… I guess that's _exactly_ what scares me now… I know I… I disappointed you, when I… I mean, I even went as far as _threatening_ you, and I was completely willing to go through with that threat at the time. And I know it scared the hell out of you, and…" 

"It did. But it also made me realize that I'd crossed the line. No, I think it made me realize I'd gone so far _passed_ the line, I couldn't even _see_ it anymore. I don't blame you for that, Kakashi. I pushed you into a corner and you reacted the only way you knew how. That's not something I could ever hold against you…" 

"Maybe…" He sighed, "But… That's the thing, Tsunade… I hold it against _myself._ I…" He worried the inside of his lip for a moment. Mumbling, he turned his head away, "I care about you…" 

She honestly couldn't hold back the smile that crept over her face, "I care about you, too, Kakashi." 

XOXOX

Kotetsu gulped down his miso like he hadn't eaten anything in days, it made Izumo chuckle a little. If he'd leave his friend alone for a few weeks, the guy would completely live off of take-out and leftovers. Then he'd probably end up sick because he never knew how long ago he'd put something in the fridge. Usually, his home-cooked meals were all Izumo's work. He felt a little pang of regret, lately, Kotetsu probably _had_ been living on take-out and leftovers – he'd spent so much time over at Iruka's… 

"So… Iz, I asked if you liked it?" The dirty grin was back as Kotetsu picked up a piece of tamagoyaki. 

"Liked _what,_ 'Tetsu? What're you on about?" He frowned lightly, hiding his discomfort behind his miso. 

"Oh, come _on!_ " Another dirty wink was flashed, "Is he any good?" 

"Tetsu…" He whined, "Stop this…" 

Immediately, his best friend sat up, studying his face intently for a few moments, "Am I making you _that_ uncomfortable, buddy?" 

"Yes…" He had trouble swallowing his egg, cheeks burning hot. 

"Why? I mean… If you like him… I already told you I don't have a problem with you liking guys, Izumo, I just… Don't really like the thought of you liking _me_ …" 

_But I do! I love you! I still love_ _ **you**_ _, Kotetsu…  
_ "I already told you, though. It's not like that…" 

"Then what? You just ditched me to hang with someone who you can talk about naked guys with? You talk about _me_ with him?" Kotetsu frowned, feeling more than a little embarrassed, and also… He was starting to get angry once more. 

"No! I… Okay, we kind of talk about you every now and then, but not like… We're _friends_ , Kotetsu, and sometimes other friends make their way into the conversation, but I swear we _never_ …" He pleaded him with his eyes, "I _swear_ , 'Tetsu…" 

"Then… What?" Nervously fiddling with his chopsticks, he didn't dare look up. 

"We… I mean… Look, 'Tetsu, this is… Really embarrassing so… Just… Let me finish okay?" 

Kotetsu nodded, staring at his empty bowl. 

"Iruka and I… Well… I'm not sure if he'd like me telling you this, so… It stays between us, okay?" 

Another small nod. 

"Right… Well… When we, uh… After you and I talked, I sort of… I mean, he… He came out, then, right? So… I guess I just wanted… To talk to him? So I sort of followed him home, only… Iruka didn't really appreciate that. But… We got talking and… I mean… I never… Neither had he, so… I guess…." 

Kotetsu shot him a confused look. 

A shy smile appeared on the brunettes face, "Kotetsu, lemme ask you… Have you ever… Been with a girl?" 

The other man blinked, "Euh… I'm allowed to talk now, right?" He watched his best friend nod, "I… Yeah, I did. A couple times… Like maybe… Twenty of 'em?" He rubbed the back of his head a little sheepishly. 

Izumo gulped, " _Twenty?!_ " 

Kotetsu wiggled his hand a little, "Give or take…" 

" _Heh_ … Okaaay... Now it just got even _more_ embarrassing…" Izumo looked away, licking his lips in a nervous gesture, "I, eh… _Didn't_. Like… _Heh_ , like not with anyone…" 

"That's fine, Iz. It's not like it's something you should be ashamed about, or anything…" 

"Yeah… Maybe… Anyway, eh…Iruka, he, _heh_ …." He shot his best friend another look, "Seriously, this stays between us, okay?" Another nod, and he continued, "He'd never been with a guy either…"  
 _I don't have to tell him Iruka's never had a girl either, he doesn't deserve me shaming him even more…  
_ "So we, eh… _Heh_ , we kinda tried it out together…" He swallowed again, cheeks burning, "And we kind of… Kept that up…? I guess?" 

Kotetsu blinked, the corners of his mouth twitched, he bit his lip to contain it but couldn't. Throwing his head back, he burst into laughter.

XOXOX

"Do you care about Shikamaru?" 

"Of course," He frowned, "He's my," There was but a slight hesitation, barely there, "Best friend." 

"Do you love him?" She asked softly. 

"Tsunade… _Best friend._ Yes, I love him. I love Iruka too. And Gai. What are you getting at?" 

"Nothing, really… I just think I wondered exactly how you felt about him, about the other friends that you have. I guess I wondered if love was something that you could actually understand, Kakashi… I know that might sound a little mean, but –" 

"It doesn't. I know love, so what?" He sounded a little irritated, so she tried to turn the conversation in another direction, just a little. 

"I remember in the beginning, when I asked you about how you felt about having a relationship. Is that still something that scares you so much? You've grown a lot, and I think I was wondering if– " 

"Stag." 

She stopped talking immediately.  
 _There it is… I went too far after all. 'Stag…' That's the same as using 'Shikamaru', though… Maybe they really_ _ **are**_ _… Well, they probably are, I've known it for too long to deny it now, I guess. But are they actually_ _ **sleeping**_ _together, I wonder…  
_

XOXOX 

"It's not _funny_ , 'Tetsu…" 

"Yes it is! Not that, I mean," He turned serious again, "Not that you guys, like… _Tried_ it, or anything. I mean, you can do whatever you want, right? I just," He chuckled, "I just think it's funny how damned embarrassed you get…" 

"Oh, _shut it_ …" Izumo grumbled, "Besides, we've never talked about this stuff before, what changed all of the sudden?"  
 _Is it because I confessed to you? Are you hoping I'll fall for someone else so you won't have to worry anymore?  
_

"No… But that was… I dunno, I just always felt like you put a wall up around it… Guess now I know why…" Kotetsu stared at his empty bowl again, "Hey, okay with you if I grab some more?" 

"Sure, go ahead. We'll have to hurry though, shift starts in about twenty minutes…"  
 _And then it'll be just the two of us for the entire day… This is going to be_ _ **so**_ _awkward…  
_

Kotetsu was already heading to the kitchen, calling back over his shoulder, "I know, relax, buddy." 

XOXOX

He was on his way home, finally on his way home. Shikamaru sighed softly.  
 _Did I_ _ **seriously**_ _just pull_ _ **another**_ _all-nighter just because of some stupid_ _ **moron**_ _who 'forgot' to drop of the paperwork before three PM like we fucking_ _ **agreed**_ _?! He already got a freaking extension! He was_ _ **supposed**_ _to get the forms back to me the day before! And now it's already past noon again! Kakashi had his first therapy without me yesterday and I wasn't even there to check up on him after! What the hell, man! I have a life, don't you people get that? Drop off your fucking work on_ _ **time!**_ _  
_

"Something on your mind, son?" 

Shikamaru looked up, "Dad!" Immediately suspicious, he added, "What are you doing here? Nara grounds is the other way, dad…" 

"I know," He flashed his son a quick smile, "I'm taking a detour. I just felt like talking with my only kid for a little while, and apparently, the only way that's ever going to happen is if I walk up with him. Don't worry," He held up his hands in a soothing gesture, "I'm not going to upset Kakashi again. I was just hoping you'd let me walk you… Home." 

Ignoring his father's slight hesitation, Shikamaru nodded. 

"So…" The elder Nara ventured, "How've you been?" 

"Fine. Busy." 

"Right… I, eh… Noticed. But other than that?"

"Tired, annoyed." 

Shikaku blinked, "That last one was solely directed at me, now wasn't it?" 

"And mom." 

"Shikamaru…" He sighed, "We feel like we've _lost_ you. I know it's important to you to stay with Kakashi right now, but she doesn't. She has _no_ idea why…" 

The youngest of the two smirked, but hid it by looking away, "So? It's not like it's any of her business anyway…" 

"You're our _son_ , how's it not our business where the hell you are?" 

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading up to Kakashi's apartment, "Just think of it like a mission, dad. If that makes it any easier, just think that I'm on a mission and you can't interfere. Because you can't," A thought occurred to him, and as Shikamaru turned to walk up the stairs he threw his final card over his shoulder, "You're not welcome here anymore, dad." 


	94. Shikaku Knows

AUTHORS NOTE: Oh-oh! This title doesn't promise much good for Kakashi, now does it? WHIIII (I'm feeling giddy, deal with it -.-") 

I also want to say something else… _I am_ _ **so**_ _loving the reviews lately! I got some completely amazing ones and I just… Seriously? They make me so happy ^.^ There are no words in my vocabulary to describe just_ _ **how**_ _happy, so… I'll just say that I was really happy, okay guys? Honestly… Reviews, they mean the world. I love hearing what you think about my story, I love the input. I love it. Honest to god, love it._

Oh and Letsrandom? You guessed wrong xD Sort of, anyway… 

Thank you Marina for another Beta! I am so lucky to have you ^.^ 

_Also… There is a side note attached to this chapter, go check it out! "Has He Finally Lost It?" Goes live seconds after I upload this chapter, so no excuses! ^.~_

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 94: Shikaku Knows

Kakashi could hear the front door being opened hurriedly, running footsteps coming in. 

Within the blink of an eye, Shikamaru was on top of him, pushing him back into the mattress.  
The mask was pulled down and hungry lips attacked his own, needy hands slipping under his shirt, roaming his torso. 

"Shikamaru," He moaned into the kiss, his own need surging, "How long are we gonna keep this a secret?" 

"Well, it's not a secret anymore, boys." 

The unsuspected voice startled them out of their embrace. Shikamaru quickly pulled his lovers mask back up. Kakashi appreciated the sentiment, however, it didn't do much to improve their situation right now, as the younger man was still straddling him and his shirt was bunched up around his chest. 

Kakashi swallowed as the unwelcome visitor standing in the doorway crossed his arms in front of his chest, a frown settling on the man's brow. 

"Shikamaru, leave. I need to talk to Kakashi," Shikaku said abruptly. 

The younger Nara objected, but was instantly cut off, " _Now_ please." 

As his young lover left, shooting him a disheartened look, Kakashi stood. He swiftly pulled his shirt back down, swallowing hard. 

"Fine, get it over with, then," He spread his arms lightly, awaiting the first blow. 

"I'm not going to beat you up, Kakashi. I said I wanted to _talk_. I'm not a blind man, in fact, I'd say I'm pretty perceptive. And not only have I noticed you've been trying to keep a suitable distance, it was also _Shikamaru_ who was all over _you_ just now. I'm not _angry_ with you, Kakashi." 

"Eh?" 

Kakashi had been expecting a beating, not words. Words that were almost... _Kind._

"How long?" The man came into the room, standing just before the copy ninja, "How long have you and my son been screwing each other?" 

"I- It's- I mean..." 

Shikaku cut him off, pushing the younger man back to sit on the bed. Holding his shoulder in a firm grip without hurting the other, he leaned down to look him in the eye, "Just answer the question. How long?" 

"Not long! I _swear_ , I just –" 

"Do you love him?" There was softness in his tone, even more so than before. 

Kakashi swallowed, all but whispering, "I do." 

"It would seem that the feeling is mutual." 

"Yes..." 

Shikaku sighed, he had not been expecting to walk into a scene like this. Not anytime soon, anyway.  
 _I always thought I'd catch him with Choji, or some other kid. And even when I entertained the thought that it might be_ _ **this**_ _guy... I always believed Kakashi would stop him.  
But he loves him. I've known that for too long, I suppose, too long to deny that it's real. Or at least as real as it can get in such a short time.  
It's just...  
_

"Kakashi, I expect you to be responsible about this," Shikaku watched as the younger man dropped his gaze, fiddling with his fingers. 

"I'm trying..." 

"I can tell. Really, I can," The Nara chuckled, "You almost pushed him off the bed, just now. And I know you've been trying to keep the whole thing from happening in the first place. Even though you've had feelings for him for a while...I can't say I'm excited about this, or that I'm cheering you on at this point. But I can tell you I've pretty much been waiting for it to happen, like I said, I could see it," He sighed before continuing, "Kakashi, _you_ were the one asking how long you were going to keep this a secret from everyone, I have to give you credit for that. That's what _I_ call taking responsibility, you know." 

He could feel the younger man starting to shake under his hand, realizing what the other must think he'd meant, "Don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about the whole village, here. I was talking about me, about Yoshino. Maybe Iruka, too, since you two seem so close. But that's up to you, I'm not telling you to come out to everyone just yet. Only if you both want to… Kakashi, I _do_ hope you're aware of the fact that my son is a fifteen-year old?" 

"I am... I'm sorry, I –" 

"Stop that. I'm not here to hear your apology. I don't really care about it, anyway. It's done. I'll deal with that fact later. Right now though, you need to understand a few things. Are you listening, Kakashi? Look at me." 

The copy ninja looked up, his eye wide in fear, his fingers still restless, searching for the cigarette that wasn't there. 

"Good, now, there's three things I want you to understand. Four if you count the fact that I believe Shikamaru is old enough to make his own choices, and he could've picked a lot worse.  
Now listen, If you ever intentionally hurt my son, I will kill you." 

Kakashi whimpered, leaving the older man feeling a little pang of guilt. Only a little though, because he'd correctly assumed the man didn't understand him, and he decided to clarify a little before moving on to the next point, "I said _intentionally_ , Kakashi. I know people hurt each other all the time, _especially_ when they spend more time with each other. Like they do when they're in a relationship. I'll allow Shikamaru to make that call himself. But if you _ever_ _ **set out**_ to hurt him... I'm the boy's _father_ , son. And I _will_ avenge him.  
Secondly, Yoshino will have to be informed. And I'm not going to do that. Do you understand?" 

Kakashi only nodded, still muted by the fear coursing through his veins. There was one more thing, one more condition. The man trembled in fear before the jounin commander. 

"Thirdly, I will not have you two fucking under my roof. No, make that on Nara grounds," He almost chuckled, winking at the younger man, "We happen to have very thin walls, son. I really don't want to hear it. Nor do I want my clan mates asking me questions about why the famous copy ninja and my little boy are screwing each other's eyes out in the forest – since that's where he'd most likely take you. Kakashi, I don't have a problem with you, you're a good guy. And I can certainly understand what my son sees in you. But he's still a kid, even _if_ he's too grown up for his age, and I'm his father. So if you break these rules, you'll answer to me.  
Do I make myself clear?" 

He waited as the man on the bed let his words sink in for a few minutes. 

_Knowing him, he's probably trying to work out the loopholes without even realizing it. But you're dealing with the Nara here, son. There_ _ **are**_ _no loopholes. You'll just have to deal with the fact that I will watch over my son, no matter what.  
Of course you still don't understand that I'm also watching over you...  
How much do you really understand about bonds? About family?  
I guess we're going to find out, because like it or not, we're stuck with each other now...  
_

"Shikaku... You're _perfectly_ clear. But... There's something I don't understand..." 

"What is it, son?" 

"Why didn't you hit me?" 

Shikaku sighed, almost collapsing unto the bed, sitting next to the silver-haired man. He'd let go of his shoulder, folding his hands between his legs, as his arms rested upon them, "Why would I do that, again?" 

"I... I slept with your son..." 

"Yeah, about that... I know it's personal, and you don't have to tell me, but I've been wondering..." Shikaku looked straight ahead, not wanting to confront the other with his eyes as well as his words, "Who came onto whom?"

"I don't _have_ to tell you...?" Kakashi knew he sounded insecure, but... At this point, who could blame him? He'd thought he would be well on his way to the hospital right about now... If not the morgue… 

A smile tugged on the corners of the Nara's lips, "I see..." 

He stood, looking at the younger man one more time, "We have an agreement?" 

"Yes..." 

"Welcome to the family then, I suppose," As Shikaku turned around to leave, a smile crept across his face – Kakashi just positively _gasped._

XOXOX

 _'He could've picked a lot worse'... Shikaku actually_ _ **said**_ _that, didn't he? 'He could've picked a lot worse'...  
Still... He'll be watching me like a hawk. Like a __**father**_ _... A father who'll do anything to keep his son safe. And Shikaku isn't the kind of guy that would let me off the hook for breaking his rules.  
_

_His rules... They all make sense, though...  
If I intentionally hurt Shikamaru, he'll kill me. But I never want to hurt Shikamaru... He said it's normal for people to hurt each other, though. I guess that's true. I have already…  
He also said he'd leave the decision about it to Shikamaru... What does that even mean?  
I don't understand...  
_

_I'll have to face Shikamaru's mother... I don't even think I_ _ **know**_ _her. I know which one she is, but that's about all. And now I'm supposed to go and tell her that I'm in love with her son?  
Her fifteen-year-old son? That I have sex with him?  
That I've __**fucked**_ _her_ _ **fifteen-year-old son?!  
**_ _She's going to kill me... For sure.  
_

_Could I maybe... Talk to Tsunade about all this?  
No way! __**She**_ _would kill me_ _ **first**_ _!  
Yoshino wouldn't even have a chance in hell once Tsunade finds out...  
_

The copy ninja let himself fall back on the bed.  
 _Oh what am I going to_ _ **do**_ _?!  
_

XOXOX 

"Iruka Umino… Iruka Umino… Izumo's screwing Iruka Umino…" Kotetsu hummed softly – absolutely _certain_ it was soft enough so no-one else would hear him, but it annoyed his friend anyway. 

Cheeks burning, Izumo gave him a shove, "Stop that!" 

"But it sounds so good! Hmmm… Maybe you'd like something a bit more upbeat?  
Izumo and Iruka are sitting in a tree, K-I-S – " 

"Cut. It. Out," Jaws clenched, the brunette stared at him viciously. 

Kotetsu just chuckled. He stopped humming, stopped reciting. Izumo found it a little disturbing. His friend had been at this since they'd left the apartment, switching between asking questions and simply embarrassing the hell out of him.  
 _What's he gonna come up with next? I should've kept my stupid mouth shut…_

XOXOX

Shikamaru had never been so embarrassed in his _life_. And that was saying a lot, given all the stuff that'd been going on lately. But his dad walking in on them like that... He shuddered at the thought.  
 _And then he sends me out... Leaving only Kakashi and himself alone together. By now, he's probably beaten my boyfriend to a bloody pulp...  
_

The boy wiped at the tears running over his cheeks, the thought of Kakashi alone with his dad was... _Horrifying,_ to say the least.

His feet had decided they were taking him to the Nara Forest, apparently.  
 _Seems appropriate... This is where I come to break down, after all...  
I can't believe what a coward I am... I just __**left**_ _him there! What kind of love is_ _ **that**_ _?!  
Kakashi isn't the monster, __**I**_ _am! I just left...  
_

He dropped himself against the nearest tree, his tears drowning out his thoughts.

XOXOX

"So, tell me… He any good?" Kotetsu gave his friend a naughty grin. 

Izumo just sighed, "Tetsu…" 

"What? I gotta make sure he treats my buddy right, no?"

" _No_ ," He frowned, "It's not even any of your buisness, Tetsu… So stop this, will ya?" 

"Nope," Another grin, "C'mon, just _tell_ me…" 

Izumo sighed again.  
 _He's never gonna drop it… I know_ _ **that**_ _much…_ _Damnit, I shouldn't have said anything…  
_ "Tetsu… I'm serious here, drop it." 

Kotetsu Hagane cocked his head to the side, "Why do you insist it's none of my business, though? If you hadn't pushed me away every time I would have told you _all_ 'bout my chicks, you know." 

Izumo gagged, "Ew, ew, _ew_! _Gross_ , Tetsu…" 

His friend chuckled, "Really? That bad, huh? No _wonder_ you never wanted to listen," He laughed out loud now, dropping his head in his neck. Izumo simply waited it out, eventually Kotetsu would calm down and either respect his wishes, or become the biggest prick known to man. All he could do is wait and see which it would be, "Seriously though, Iz… I just wanna know if he's treatin' you right." 

_Ah, prick it is…  
_ "None of your business…" 

"Well, he's got to be doing _somethin'_ right, though…" Kotetsu said thoughtfully, "You keep going back for more, so…"

XOXOX

Shikamaru had no idea how long it had been, the sun was high in the sky, though. So it had to have been hours. He'd been crying for hours... 

But he didn't stop because he ran out of tears, he stopped because of the hand that had been lightly placed on his shoulder. Not that he looked up, he didn't have to. It could only be one person. 

"Son, did you actually think I was going to _hurt_ him?" 

No reply. 

"I said that I wanted to _talk_ to him, you heard that, right?" 

Still no reply. 

"He's _fine_ , Shikamaru. Well, about as fine as a guy can be when his lover's dad just walked in on them... Still, we only talked." 

"Bout what?" 

Shikaku sighed, moving to sit down beside his son, "I laid down a few ground rules. I don't like the fact that you two have been sneaking around behind my back." 

"I did that. Kakashi wanted to come clean..." 

"That makes it sound like you're doing something wrong, Shikamaru. And I don't think it's _wrong_ , just... Maybe a little unethical. But then again, in your head, I figure you two are about the same age, anyway... That's not the point, though. I told him I expect your mother to be told. And that I wasn't going to do it. Do you understand that, son?" 

"She's gonna kill him..." 

The older man chuckled, "No... I'll make sure I'm there, if you want. She isn't going to kill him, or hurt him. I'll even make sure she won't be too harsh on him. I know pretty well how easy it is to hurt the guy... But it _is_ your responsibility. And you should have taken that responsibility a long time ago. Preferably _before_ you made your move on him. I'm not saying I don't get it, I know he looks pretty damn good," He chuckled again, "And even _I_ would've never _believed_ those abs... Still, you should have told us. You're a fifteen-year-old fucking a twenty-nine-year-old..." 

Shikamaru swallowed, trying to squeeze his way out, "Who says I've fucked him?" 

"Kid, you're about twenty years too early to try and best me. It's obvious. And he conceded to the fact anyway." 

"Oh... You mad, dad?" 

"No, not really. I feel a bit disappointed that you didn't feel like you could talk to me, but no, I'm not mad at you. Or Kakashi. I just wish you'd told me yourself." 

"I'm sorry..." 

__XOXOX

"Tetsu?" 

"Yeah? Finally ready to share some?" His friend looked _way_ too eager right now. 

"Yeah, Tetsu, one little fact, only it's kind of a big one…" 

"Tell me!" All his attention focused on Izumo, Kotetsu almost looked like a dog waiting for a snack – all that was missing was a wagging tail. 

"You're being a jerk." Izumo said harshly, before turning away, his arms crossed before his chest.

XOXOX

There was a knock on the door, but he didn't get up.  
Another knock, more urgent now. But still, he did not move.  
A voice called out to him, calling his name.  
It did not make him get up. 

" _Damnit,_ Kakashi! Open this blasted door _right now_!" 

He still, did not move. 

"I know you're in there!" 

His determination not to move did not waver. 

"I will kick this door down if I have to!" 

Not a single muscle was tempted to move. 

"I swear, I will!" 

No change, he did not move. 

" _Kakashi!_ Shikaku _told_ me!" 

Maybe he moved a little. 

"Just open this damned door so we can talk about this!" 

All movement had ceased to exist. 

" _Kakashi Hatake!_ I'm _not_ judging you! Just _talk_ to me!" 

He slowly sat up. 

"I _know_ you're probably freaking out in there, that's why I came. To _help_ you!" 

He stood. 

"Just open the door!" 

He walked. 

"I swear I'm gonna break this thing down if you don't get your ass over here _right now!_ " 

He opened the door.  
Someone came crashing through, intending to break down the door as promised, but crashing to the floor as said door suddenly opened. 

"Hello, Tsunade."


	95. Alone Again As Silence Falls

AUTHORS NOTE: People, don't start freaking out on me, okay? The current storyline is still on, I'm just making a little side-step to – ah well… To, eh… Freak you out… xD  
No but seriously, we're going a few hours back in time, this is the morning of the day that Shikaku Knows… ^.^ 

If anyone's actually interested in this: The title of this chapter is from a song by Nano. She's amazing, look her up, seriously! Anyway, this particular song is called 'Black Board' and it's definitely one of my favorites. Just sayin'…. ;) 

I want (actually _need_ ) to thank Letsrandom for once again coming through for me and helping me find the inspiration to write this! ^.^ Seriously, you're _amazing_. 

Also a huge thanks for Marina for her Beta on yet another chapter! Seriously people, she's _awesome._

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 95: Alone Again As Silence Falls 

XOXOX

As the alarm went off, the man beside her groaned, pulling the sheets over his head. Sighing, she pushed herself up a little, leaning over him to turn off the alarm before harshly yanking the sheets away, "Wake up, Hun. You have to get to your meeting, remember?" 

He muttered a few curses under his breath, attempting to pull the sheets back up. He let out a frustrated sound as she wouldn't let go, "Come on… Wakey, wakey…" 

Grumbling, he pushed himself up, glaring at her for a few seconds before the look in his eyes softened again. She smiled softly, "Morning, Hun." 

"Yeah… Morning…" Sighing, he threw his legs out of bed, simply sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment, "Remind me again why I ever came up with the idea of having meetings _this_ early in the morning…?" 

She almost chuckled, he would ask her the same question every single morning, and her answer was always the same, "Because you're both too busy the rest of the day, Hun." 

Muttering, he dropped his head in his hands, rubbing his face, "It's still stupid…" 

Leaning over, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, "I think it's admirable," Getting out of bed, she walked over to their shared closet, picking out a clean uniform for him and dropping it on the bed before returning to get her own clothes. As he walked past her, his hand momentarily ghosted over her bottom, a quick kiss was placed on her cheek. She smiled, but he'd already left the bedroom, heading to the bathroom for a quick shower and a shave. Deciding she'd take a bath later, she threw her own clothes on the bed as well. Breakfast first, then a good long bath. She'd get dressed after that. Grabbing her robe from the hook on the door, she walked over to the kitchen. 

As she was stirring the miso, he appeared in the door to the kitchen, "I'm heading out, Dear." 

Nodding, she looked up for a moment, "You said you didn't have a long day today, right?" 

"No," Walking over, he wrapped his arms around her from behind, nuzzling her neck, "I have my usual meeting, then I have to check over Shikamaru's paperwork… It'll probably be perfect already, so that won't take too long… There was something else… Oh right… I promised Inoichi I'd look over the request he submitted a couple days back, shouldn't take more than a couple hours all in all." 

"Hmm," Leaning back into the embrace, she stroked his hand for a moment, "Want me to wait with lunch?" 

"Nah, I'm not sure when I'll be done. Probably long before lunch, but just in case something gets messed up again I don't want you to go hungry, okay? But I _really_ have to go now, I'm running late, Dear," Giving her a quick kiss he hurried out of the kitchen. 

She smiled brightly, calling after him, "Have a good day at work, Shikaku!" 

XOXOX

The tub was full, so she turned off the hot water, moving to the shower first.  
 _Wait… I might as well take my book with me in. I really want to know what happens next!  
_

So she quickly walked back to the living room, picking up the book she's borrowed from one of her friends before moving back to the bathroom. Placing the bath rack on the edge of the tub, she laid the book on top of it.  
 _Tea, I want some tea with this...  
_

Doubling back to the kitchen, she put on the kettle, digging around the cupboards for some snacks as well.  
 _Might as well, right? For the first time in forever I have the entire house to myself – and I'm going to make good use of that now. I may have been a little too preoccupied lately and didn't realize that Shikamaru's absence has some upsides to it as well, but now I do. And I'm going to enjoy this new-found freedom for a couple hours before Shikaku comes home.  
_

On her way back to the bathroom to drop off her load of snacks, Yoshino almost skipped.  
 _Gosh I feel giddy… I'm really getting excited about this! It's been so long after all…  
_

XOXOX

Sitting up, Iruka stretched his muscles before shooting a look at the alarm clock.  
 _No wonder I didn't hear the alarm, I still have about ten minutes before it even goes off! No matter, I'll just turn it off and use the extra time for a long shower._

Smiling happily, he reached over to do as decided before making his way over to the bedroom.  
 _Oh that's right, I have to hurry a little after work today, Izumo's coming by before his shift. Not sure if anything's going to happen though, not like we have much time. But hey, just chatting is fun too! I think we'll have_ _ **maybe**_ _thirty minutes at best? Nah, that's probably not enough time. But it doesn't really matter anyway, he's my friend right? Not just my, eh… Sex friend? That sounds about as gross as 'fuck buddy' though… Is there_ _ **really**_ _not a term that's less… Descriptive? 'Fellow explorer'? Heh, that almost sounds like a story I'd tell the kids! No way!  
_

Chuckling, he stood under the hot water, his mind calm. No longer subject to all the turmoil he'd been experiencing recently. The whole situation with Sakura and Shino, and then later beginning to accept the idea of being bisexual, Izumo getting dropped on his doorstep by Gai and Asuma, and then the whole embarrassing start of the situation he found himself in now. Of course all of that had been laced with his best friend's troubles, something Iruka was anything but immune to. But now, _finally_ , things seemed to have quieted down again. Kakashi was doing alright, Shino and Sakura seemed to be doing great as well – he hadn't actually _seen_ either of them recently, but the sensei'd concluded that was probably a _good_ thing. He'd fully accepted and even embraced his own sexuality and Izumo was… A dream come true.  
Yes, Iruka felt pretty damn good on this particular morning, humming away as he washed his hair at a leisurely pace.

XOXOX

After pouring herself another cup of tea from her thermos, Yoshino flipped the page, a happy smile on her face. 

' _Coming to my apartment, I am shocked to find Masahiro standing on my doorstep.'  
_

Gasping in surprise, Yoshino leaned closer to the book, her eyes glued to every word. 

' _Trying to act cool, I raise my hand in greeting, "Masahiro, I didn't expect to see you here…"  
_

" _Can we talk?" His tone is curt, the words are clipped. I can feel a weight settle in the pit of my stomach, but I try not to let it show. I open the door, letting him inside first. After shedding his shoes and coat, he moves over to my living room without another word. I take a deep breath before following him.  
_

_Masahiro is sitting on the pillows, staring at the wall. Before I even manage to sit down, he speaks,'  
_

For a moment, she looks up, a wistful look on her face. Taking a sip of tea, the woman pondered why Takafumi's best friend wanted to talk to him. Not wanting to read the answer just yet, she allowed herself some wishful thinking. After all, the answer would probably be revealed soon enough, and what could possibly be more fun than fantasizing a little? But before long, she leaned over the book once more, hands folded tightly together, pressed against her chest.  
 _Is he really there to…?_

XOXOX

"Iruka-sensei!" 

Looking up, he found Shouta Nara standing but a few feet away, his voice a little surprised as he addressed his student, smiling at the boy, "Shouta, good morning. You're here early." 

"Yeah, eh… I, eh…" Shuffling his feet, the young Nara didn't look up at him, "Iruka-sensei, are you going to the classroom yet?" 

_I_ _ **was**_ _actually planning on a cup of tea with the guys before work, but…  
_ "Sure, you want to come with?" 

The boy swallowed and as he looked up, Iruka could see the glimmer of tears in his eyes. Shouta's tone was quiet, "Yes please?" 

Sighing inwardly, he threw an arm around the boy, guiding him inside the Academy, "So… Any particular reason you're here so early?"  
 _ **So**_ _different from his cousin, huh? Shikamaru was never actually_ _ **late**_ _, but I can't remember a single time when he was early either. And this isn't just early – there's still a good forty-five minutes before the rest of 'em will even start showing up! And he was already here… Makes you wonder, doesn't it?  
_

The boy looked up at him for a second, "No… No reason, sensei…" 

_Okay, maybe not so different after all…  
_ "Alright, you want to help me prepare the lesson for today?" 

"Sure, what do you need?" 

_See? He_ _ **is**_ _different…  
_ Walking into the classroom, Iruka let go of the boy's shoulder in order to grab something out of the drawer of his desk, "Could you please copy this on the board for me? We're going to talk about the most used shinobi tools today, so I want the names of all of them to be put up there, okay?" 

Nodding, Shouta grabbed a piece of chalk and immediately got to work. For a few moments, Iruka just watched the boy, a fond smile on his face. But then he walked over to the file cabinet in the hallway, taking out the folder that held the pictures of all the shinobi tools on his list. It would be too dangerous to bring the real stuff in. All of these kids had held kunai before, but senbon, swords and nunchaka could easily prove dangerous in the classroom. Not to mention that things like flack vests and Fuma Shuriken were just annoying to have to drag around. Walking up to the board, he began sticking the photo's of the tools under their name, written in Shouta's neat handwriting. 

"Sensei?" 

"Hm-mm?" Not wanting to put any pressure on the boy, Iruka just hummed a little, throwing him a warm smile before seemingly concentrating on his work again. 

"Do you… Have you seen Shikamaru lately?" 

"Shikamaru? Yes, I saw him a couple days ago, why?" Surprised, he looked at the younger version of his best friend's boyfriend. They really did look so much alike. One could easily mistake an older picture of Shikamaru for a picture of his cousin. Except for the eyes, the eyes always snapped Iruka back to present times. Because where Shikamaru's were always a little lidded, bored and immensely dark, Shouta's eyes were big and wide open, tinted in a lighter shade of brown that looked rather peculiar on a Nara: His mother's eyes. 

Shouta's shoulders slumped a little and the hand holding the chalk dropped to his side, "It's just… I haven't seen him in a while is all. I guess… I kind of miss him, sensei," Looking up at his teacher, the boy tried to blink away the tears but failed miserably. 

Dropping to his knees, Iruka hugged the crying boy to his chest.  
 _Shikamaru, what the hell do you think you're doing? I get that you don't want to see your mother right now, really, I do. But this kid… He's your_ _ **cousin**_ _, Shikamaru! And he looks up to you so much…_

XOXOX

The bathwater had gone cold, the tea and snacks long gone. Sighing, she decided to just get out of the bath now. Gently closing the book and pushing the bath rack back a little, she stood before reaching for a towel. After drying herself off and wrapping the towel around her body, Yoshino picked up the book and headed for the bedroom where her clothes still lay on the bed. 

As she entered the bedroom she and Shikaku had shared ever since they had gotten married, Yoshino glanced at the clock on the alarm at her husband's side of the bed.  
 _It's almost two PM already? Wow… I'm not even hungry! Wait, I ate all those snacks…  
_

Pulling a face, she let the towel drop to the floor, standing naked in front of the full length mirror for a moment.  
 _I'm still hot. I may be thirty-nine, with a fifteen-year-old son, I'm_ _ **still**_ _hot.  
_

Smirking at her reflection, she turned her body from side to side.  
 _Yep, still hot. Hah, wonder what Shikaku'd say if he saw me now… Probably something like 'You, bed, now!'  
_

Giggling, she turned to get dressed.  
 _He still thinks I'm hot too… Shikaku, yeah… You're hot too, my little Honeybun. But you_ _ **are**_ _late.  
_

She frowned as she pulled her skirt up over her hips.  
 _Didn't he say he'd probably be home before lunch? Two o'clock is definitely_ _ **after**_ _lunch. Oh well, maybe something came up again. They always need Shikaku to fix everything. Bloody idiot should learn to say 'no' every once in a while! Only at work though,_ _ **I'm**_ _not going to take talk like that.  
_

Chuckling a little, she grabbed the towel off the floor, picked her and Shikaku's pajama's off the bed in order to throw it all in the hamper.  
 _That's what Shikamaru seems to think, isn't it? That Shikaku has nothing to say here?  
_

The corners of her mouth pulled down a little.  
 _That's why he hates me, probably… I wonder… Is that… Is that why he's gay? Because I'm such a horrible mother? Does he think that all woman are like me and is he so disgusted with that idea that he turned to men instead? He sure_ _ **does**_ _seem to hate_ _ **me**_ _…_

XOXOX

All day long, Iruka had kept his eye on Shouta, but the boy had seemed to tuck everything away again, pretending that nothing was wrong, pretending that he hadn't been crying just this morning. Sighing quietly, he pulled the pictures off the board, stuffing them back into their folder. School would be out soon, and he wanted to hurry home after, but the dutiful sensei wondered if maybe he should stick around after all, see if Shouta wanted to talk some more. 

Behind him, the children were working silently, he'd told them to write yet another essay. They had to pick their favorite out of all the ninja tools discussed today and explain why they choose this one, how to use it, when it would come in handy and so on and so forth.  
 _Really, I've never given so many essays and papers and tests before… One would almost start to think I like taking my work home with me… But no, I've just been so distracted lately, so frustrated with everything that I couldn't even be a proper teacher and just tried to get them to work quietly. Which results in huge stacks of paper all over my apartment, and I still have over half of them left to grade. Can't have everything, now can you? Either it's semi-peace and quiet in the classroom, or a tidy apartment. Either do your job right, or work deep into the night._ _  
_

Sighing again, he threw the young Nara one more glance before quickly stepping out to put the folder back into the file cabinet.  
 _If only I knew what that kid was_ _ **thinking**_ _…  
_

XOXOX

' _He looks at me with tears in his eyes, "Takafumi, it cannot be. You have your future to think about, don't throw it all away on a whim!"  
_

_I swallow, but can't push the words out of my throat. This isn't a whim, I know it's not a whim. It's love!'  
_

Sighing, Yoshino looked up from her book, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.  
 _Love… So powerful and yet, so destructive! So hard to find, so hard to maintain. Love… I love Shikaku, I'm lucky, he loves me too. Even after all these years, I've never had to doubt that. Never. I only wish that Shikamaru will know the same… Security. That he will find love that lasts, like we have. That's what every mother wants for her child, isn't it? No matter how much he seems to hate me, I only want him to find happiness,_ _ **true**_ _happiness.  
_

Laying the book aside, she reached for her empty teacup, taking it with her as she walked over to the kitchen.  
 _Shikamaru… When are you coming home? I miss you so much, I never thought I could ever miss you_ _ **this**_ _much.  
_

Refilling the kettle, she lit the fire underneath. Outside, there were children playing. Yoshino smiled softly, wishing for only a moment that she could go back in time, back to when Shikamaru was this small, when he had _needed_ her.  
 _He doesn't need me anymore, that much is clear. Still… Doesn't he miss me even a little? He's only fifteen, not even grown up yet. Shouldn't he miss me just a little? He's been away for long stretches of time before, but I've never missed him_ _ **this**_ _much… Maybe because I know he's still in the village, still home in a way. I could run into him at the market, I could see him out on the street somewhere. And yet… He's not here. How on earth am I supposed to cope with that? My son's flown the nest before he even reached adulthood, he made his exit without even saying goodbye. Somehow I doubt he's ever coming back again… Oh Shikamaru, why? Why did you leave us behind like this? Did you really think I couldn't accept you if you're gay? Is that it? Are you hiding out there? Is that why you pulled back so far that even Shikaku can't reach you anymore? Are we such horrible parents? Am I such a monster of a mother? Do you even still love me? I'd almost start to doubt if you ever did…  
_

Roughly wiping the tears away, she poured the boiling water in her cup, setting the kettle aside. But after that, Yoshino only stood there. Hands leaning on the edge of the counter, on either side of the teacup, head down.  
 _I know that every parent of a teenager feels this way at some point, but I just can't shake the feeling that it's more. He told his father that he's gay, but didn't have the heart to tell me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he's never wanted to talk to me about_ _ **anything**_ _important. And this is… Definitely important. To him at least. I think… I hate the idea of how his life is probably going to be so much harder the way he is, but… He's still my_ _ **son**_ _. I love him unconditionally. And when he comes home with… His boyfriend, I will do my best to accept him as well. To_ _ **love**_ _him as well. After all, if he's good enough to catch Shikamaru's eye, I should at least make a conscious effort, right? But I keep wondering… 'Good enough'… I don't really think it's possible. Not…_ _ **Him.**_ _On the other hand… I should trust Shikamaru's judgment, right? It's not up to us to tell him who he can and cannot fall in love with. The simple fact that he_ _ **thought**_ _we wanted to is what caused this whole mess in the first place…  
_

XOXOX

After school, Shouta had quickly disappeared with his friends, so Iruka'd just shrugged before making his own way home as well. Sitting down at his table, he pulled over the closest stack of papers to grade, thinking he might as well get some work done before Izumo showed up. He was only about halfway through the second paper when the knock on the door sounded. Smiling, he got up to open the door for Izumo, a slight bounce in the sensei's step. 

"Hey there!" A happy smile on his face, Izumo crossed the threshold without hesitation. Iruka beamed back at him before moving back so the older man could take his shoes and flack vest of. 

"Hey," Leaning against the wall, he chuckled a little as he watched Izumo struggle with the zipper on his flack vest.  
 _Never seems to be able to get_ _ **anything**_ _off without having to wrestle for five minutes…  
_

"Choco…" A light whine in his voice, Izumo looked up at him, "You're making fun of me again…" 

"No I'm not, I just think it's a little funny how you never seem to be able to take anything off without first going to war on every single piece of clothing."  
 _Cute too, but let's not tell him that, shall we? Most men don't like it when other people call them cute…  
_ "Want something to drink?" 

"Yeah, hang on, I'm coming," The zipper was finally down, and he quickly shed the vest before following the younger man in. Peeking over Iruka's shoulder, he pointed to a carton in the fridge, "What's that?" 

"Pineapple juice," He shrugged a little, "I was shopping and it sort of stared at me, so I bought it. Haven't opened it yet though, want to try it out together?" 

Izumo smirked, taking a small step back, "Sure, not like we've never tried anything new together before, right?" 

Turning to the older man for a second, Iruka winked. But he didn't say anything more, instead filling two glasses and putting them on the table. Izumo'd already sat down, now picking up one of the glasses. For a moment, he brought the glass to his nose, almost as if he was trying to enjoy the bouquet of a fine wine, Iruka chuckled, "What are you hoping for here? Because I have to admit I'm kind of hoping for that stuff to jump up and grab you by the nose," Winking again, he lifted his own glass taking a small sip, "This is actually pretty good…" 

Taking a sip himself, Izumo nodded happily, "Definitely, you should buy more stuff that's staring at you, Choco," A wide smile on his face, he cocked his head a little to the side, "How was work today?" 

Iruka smiled softly.  
 _In a way, I got my wish, no? He's here, and he's just talking, asking about my day… If only we were actually in love, I'd have everything I've ever wished for…  
_ "Fun, really. Ninja tools – they always get the kids excited. Even if they're always bummed that I didn't bring the actual stuff and they have to work off photographs." 

'Why?" Izumo looked a little surprised, "Not like we don't have enough of the stuff laying around…" 

"Izumo… Have you ever given any thought to what would happen if you give a classroom full of eight-year-olds a set of paper bombs? Or a Tanto for that matter? Or maybe you'd like to see them use a flash bomb and blind me for the rest of the day?" Chuckling, he took another sip, "Sorry, but I'd rather stay alive and well to teach another day if you don't mind…" 

"Ah… Right… We work with that stuff on a daily basis, you kinda forget how dangerous it is in the hands of a newbie after a couple years experience…" 

"I won't, probably never will," Iruka smiled, "But then again, I'm used to dealing with those 'newbies' every single day. I know _exactly_ how dangerous kids can be…" 

XOXOX

Shouta Nara sighed softly, staring at the shogi board in the corner of his room. There was a game set up but midway through the players had stopped playing. That was the last time he'd seen his cousin, when Shikamaru came over to play with him but was called away. The boy hadn't cleaned it up, hoping that Shikamaru would return so they could finish the game. That was weeks ago now, he was beginning to think he'd never see his cousin again.  
 _Aunt Yoshino doesn't even seem to know where he is… And I'm too scared to ask uncle Shikaku… But I know he's not on a mission, he's working on some exam at Hokage Tower, or at least that's what mom said… But he doesn't come home anymore, so where is he? I really miss him. Iruka-sensei seemed to know where he is, or at least, he's seen him only a couple days ago. I never thought I'd ever be jealous of Iruka-sensei… But I am, I really am. Shikamaru's gone off somewhere and no-one will tell me where he is and I'm all alone and he's never ever coming back!  
_

Crying, he dropped himself on his bed, hugging his pillow tight.  
 _Please Shikamaru… Come home soon…  
_

XOXOX

"Iruka…" He licked his lips a little nervously, throwing a quick glance at the clock, "I…" Pulling a face, Izumo found that he couldn't go on. The sensei shot him a quizzical look. 

"What's up? Want some more?" His hand already reached for the glass, but suddenly he found his wrist caught by the older man. 

"No, I… Eh," He swallowed, "We have time for a quickie before I have to go?" 

Slowly, an amused smile spread across the younger man's face, "We _do_ , don't we?" 

XOXOX

She looked up at the clock for the umpteenth time. It was nearing eight o'clock and there was _still_ no sign of Shikaku. Sighing, Yoshino decided that she'd just make something to eat for herself then. She was hungry and who knew when the man would finally be able to rip himself away from all those people that kept bugging him about the littlest things? Could be hours still. Could be after midnight for all she knew.  
 _I'll just make something simple, enough for two. Maybe some curry or something. That way, if he hasn't eaten yet when he gets home, I can easily reheat it for him.  
_

Sighing softly, she put the book down and went to work.  
 _If Shikamaru were still here, I'd have eaten hours ago… I wouldn't have had to eat alone, either. No Yoshino, stop thinking about that! The boy just needs a little more time, I'm sure of it. Or… I hope I'm sure at least… How long has he been over there anyway? Too long, way too long. God, I miss him so much!  
_

XOXOX

Underlining yet another mistake in Sorata's essay about the application of the clone jutsu, Iruka sighed.  
 _It's no use, I can't really focus on any of this… It's weird though, every time we have sex, he leaves right after. Of course, this time he had to go to work, but still. It's a recurring theme. Every time we have sex, Izumo leaves minutes after. And every time I feel… Sad. I just want someone to… Be here, when I wake up. I know he's not my boyfriend or anything, and I don't_ _ **want**_ _him to be, but… I'm getting so sick and tired of waking up alone every single day!  
I don't know, I guess I've always kind of thought that __**if**_ _I'd ever have sex, I'd have all the other things as well. Someone to care about, someone that cares about me. Someone that wants to just_ _ **be**_ _with me. Sure, Izumo and I are friends, but lately… Lately it seems like we can't see each other without somehow ending up naked again. Not that I mind, it's amazing. But… I don't know, I kind of feel… A little used, maybe? Which is_ _ **ridiculous**_ _because I'm using him the same way he's using me. And I don't mind, I really don't. It's just that… I think… I think I don't really like to be left all alone after sex. It's what I signed up for apparently, and it's not like I can't deal with it. But it's just… A little sad, I guess…_

XOXOX

He sighed, turning on his side so he could look at the clock.  
 _Mom said that I should just go to bed, but I can't sleep…  
_

His gaze drifted over to the corner of his room. In the dim light, he could just about make out the outline of the shogi board. Sighing, he pushed the sheets away, bare feet softly touching down on the wooden floor. Creeping over to the abandoned game, he sunk down on his side of the board. Pulling up his knees to rest his elbows on top of them, he placed his head in his hands.  
 _I must've worked out every possible strategy by now. Shikamaru will still probably beat me, though. I just… I want to finish this game with him! I want… I want to see him again! Talk a little. I always feel better when I talk to Shikamaru. And he brings me candy too. Mom won't let me have any, but Shikamaru_ _ **always**_ _brings me some… Not that it really matters, I just want him to be around again…  
_

A tear fell down his cheek, but the boy didn't bother wiping it away. More would follow soon anyway. 

XOXOX

It was nearing eleven o'clock, and Shikaku _still_ wasn't home. Frowning at the clock, Yoshino got up to make herself another cup of tea.  
 _I'm going to_ _ **really**_ _give him a piece of my mind when he gets back! He said he was only going to be gone for a couple of hours! First my son, and now my husband too? Oh,_ _ **hell**_ _no! Shikaku has some explaining to do!_


	96. Hello Tsunade

AUTHORS NOTE: Back to my cliffy – You were all waiting for it, weren't you? You can admit to that, no shame ^.~

Marina, thank you once more for being the amazing person (oh, and Beta of course) that you are ;) 

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**  
XOXOX 

Chapter 96: Hello Tsunade

XOXOX

"Hello Tsunade." 

The woman laying on the floor looked up at him, anger in her eyes. 

"What the _hell_ took you so long?!" 

"I was waiting to see if you'd leave on your own..." He closed the door, moving away from her and back into his bedroom.

She followed close behind, pulling out the chair and dropping herself on it, "I said I was going to break down your _door_ , does that _sound_ like someone who's willing to just leave?" Examining her bruised body, she added, "And what made you finally decide to open up, anyway?" 

"I'm not sure, exactly," He'd all but curled up on his bed, shielding himself. 

She offered a comforting smile, "Is it because I said I'm not judging you?" 

"Maybe…" 

"I'm not, I meant that. Why hadn't I heard about it sooner, though? We just talked yesterday. It actually would've been a prime opportunity, yesterday…" Tsunade added thoughtfully. 

"I guess... I was afraid you were gonna kill me..." He sounded genuinely scared, and Tsunade felt bad for him. But it also addressed a whole other issue... 

" _Why_? Why would I kill you? And... _How_...?" 

"Eh?" Kakashi could feel his vocabulary slipping in the face of so much ignorance. Whether that be his own or Tsunade's, he hadn't really figured that part out yet. 

"How _could_ I possibly kill you?" She sounded amused, "There's no way I can defeat you... I can't even remember the last time I _trained_. Still... I'm more concerned with why you think I _would_." 

"Because he's fifteen..." 

"I know that. He's also Shikamaru Nara. He's no kid. And you're not really all that grown-up yourself, so I guess you two kind of meet in the middle." 

"How gracious of you..." Sarcasm was dripping off every syllable, but Tsunade paid it no mind. 

"Deal with it. Now... How long has this been going on? Not the feelings, they've been there for a while, I'm talking about when you two actually got together," Offering a reassuring smile, Tsunade cocked her head a little. 

"What do _you_ know of it?" 

"The feelings? Easy, when I asked you if you'd _like_ to fuck, the both of you froze on the spot," She smirked, "The relationship? Shikaku only told me he walked in on you, talked to you, and that you were probably upset." 

"I don't even know how he got _in_ here in the first place..." 

"Neither do I, Kakashi. But that's not what I'm interested in at this point. How long?" 

"You know… You're the second person to ask me that today..." 

"I kind of figured. Now _please_..." 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Because."

"Are you going to speak teenager again, Kakashi? Because if you are, I think I need a drink first," She all but laughed. 

"I don't care. You can call me a teenager all you want, Tsunade. This is one detail you're not getting your hands on," Throwing her a frown, Kakashi crossed his arms before his chest. 

"At least tell me why not." 

"It's personal." 

"All we ever talk about is personal, why is this so different?" 

"It just is. This is between Shikamaru and me, and you have absolutely nothing to do with it." 

The blonde sighed, he _did_ have a point, "I understand. However, tell me this one thing, please. Was this _before_ or _after_ your mission with Neji and Shino?" 

"Why do you want to know?" Kakashi sounded suspicious, prompting her to explain a little further. 

"Because if it was _before_ , the thought might occur that you were trying to run away from it. From your feelings, or the thought of having had sex again. Or maybe both. Or maybe – anything really... It would be a significant change to how I should view your progress." 

"I see... Alright then, I'll give you this much. After." 

"Thank you," Another reassuring smile drifted the copy ninja's way, "Did you have sex with him first, or talk first?" 

"Who says I had sex with him?" Kakashi's tone was about an octave higher than usual, his eye wide as he stared at her. 

She smiled briefly, "Because that _specific_ tension in your body is gone, Kakashi. I _know_ you slept with him." 

The man sighed, reaching for a cigarette. Oh how she hated those things! "After. Right after." 

Her eyebrows shot up, 'right after' was a little... Worrying.

"Sort of, anyway..." 

"What the hell does that mean?" Frowning in both confusion and annoyance, Tsunade waved the smoke out of her face.

"I... You know, I think I'd actually rather talk about me raping criminals than me and Shikamaru..." 

She giggled, couldn't help it, "Still... We _are_ going to talk about this, right?" 

"Tsunade... I... I don't know how..." 

"Just try, can you tell me what happened?" 

"No, it's too personal, and besides, it's _his_ personal stuff now, too. I think... If it were just about me... This would be easier…" 

"Are you afraid I'll look at him differently?" She cocked her head to the side. 

He whimpered, but eventually conceded, "A little..." 

"I don't look at you any differently, not because I know things anyway. I look a little differently at you because you've made me realize there's a lot of things I haven't noticed. Like the fact that apparently being gay isn't so easily accepted by everyone, or that even the strongest man can break.  
But I _don't_ look at you differently because of what you told me." 

"This is different." 

"Why?" 

"He's... Shikamaru is... He's just starting out..." 

She quirked one eyebrow, this was interesting, "Are you talking about him being a shinobi or him being gay?" 

"Both, I guess..." 

"He's not just starting out being gay, Kakashi, he's been that way all his life. And he's already an accomplished chuunin, one whom I'd bet my life on, and risk it for." 

He didn't reply, his mind obviously far away, possibly thinking about whatever it was he didn't want to tell her.  
Probably.  
Most _definitely_.  
It all made sense now.  
"He came to you, didn't he? He asked you questions about what it's like to sleep with another man?" 

He froze, trying not to give her any signs. He didn't realize he just had. 

"You froze, Kakashi. That means I'm right, doesn't it?" 

"Shut up," He mumbled. 

"No. Talk to me. Did you feel uncomfortable when he asked?" 

"Who said he did?" 

"Stop playing games..." She sighed, the man was taking them right back where they'd started. No actually, this was worse... "I'm only asking because I want to _help_ you."

"Then just stop." 

"What do you mean by that? Stop helping you? Stop the therapy?" This was worrisome, biting down on the nail of her thumb she regarded the silver-haired man with an almost anxious look.

"No, stop asking. I don't need help on this, and you've got no right to ask about Shikamaru's troubles." 

_He has a point, you know… But I still need to know, Kakashi. I need to know if you're okay with all of this…_  
"Alright... So I'm assuming that went okay, then. Can you at least tell me if I'm right on that one?" 

He nodded. 

"Fine... And this discussion somehow evolved into 'I love you, let's fuck'?" 

The man snickered, "You make it sound so _dirty_..." 

She smiled back at him, "I learned from the best," A small wink, "But I doubt that's what happened, though..." 

"Please stop. I don't... Not now, at least. I'd have to talk to Shikamaru about how much he's comfortable with you knowing, and... I've got other things on my mind right now..." 

_He's actually thinking about Shikamaru here, about what_ _ **he's**_ _comfortable with. Even though I really want to know, even_ _ **need**_ _to know, given his fragile state of mind, I'm proud of him. And I'll respect his wishes – for now._  
"Then what's on your mind?" 

"Shikaku." 

"What about him?" 

He shot her an incredulous look _, "Really?"_

"What _exactly,_ " The blonde clarified.

"He didn't hit me... He gave me rules to abide by, he told me to tell Shikamaru's mother, he didn't _hit_ me..." 

"You always keep expecting people to hit you, to hurt you, to want to kill you..." 

"It's all I know..." 

She swallowed, this was hard on her, too, "I realize that... But I don't think Shikaku would ever resort to such tactics." 

"You're wrong." 

"How so?" 

"He said he'd kill me if I ever hurt his son." 

"He _what?!"_ All but leaping forward, she stared at him.

"Intentionally, that is..." 

"Okay... That makes a _little_ more sense, I guess..." Tsunade took a breath, calming her pounding heart, "But before you give me a heart attack, why don't you start at the beginning and tell me what happened today?"

XOXOX

"Asuma…? Hey, Asuma!" 

Startled, the bearded jounin looked up. Frowning, he looked up at the other man, " _What_ , Genma?"

"You kind of spaced out there, that's all…" A little taken aback by the curt reply of the younger man, he teased the senbon in his mouth, trying to keep his tone light and friendly, "I just wanted to know if you were done with that file yet… Shikaku wants Raidou's and my signature on that as well, and I kind of want to be able to get out of here in time to grab dinner at a somewhat reasonable hour…" 

"Yeah… I'm sorry," Quickly signing his name, Asuma handed the paperwork over, "I still don't get why we have to do this, though…" 

"Because he's young and inexperienced," Setting down the three cups of coffee he'd just gotten for them, Raidou sat himself down at his own desk. Pulling yet another complaint fail towards him, the scarred man frowned a little, "Gen, didn't we already fix this one?" Waving the paper around a little, he took a sip of his coffee. 

Leaning over, he reached out and stilled the moving paper, "Yep. But they keep complaining about it anyway… Every time I tell 'em that we're working on it, but people insist of filling out the form anyway…" 

"Damnit…" Muttering under his breath, Raidou lay the form aside, "I'm too tired to deal with it now. I'll take a look at it in the morning. How's Shikamaru's stuff coming?" 

"Reading it now, Asuma's already signed… Seems perfect, as always…" 

Sighing, Raidou leaned back in this chair, rubbing his hands over his face, "Any chance of getting out of here before it's completely dark out again…?" 

"Doubtful, too much paperwork. Why don't you stop complaining and start working?" A little annoyed, he threw his best friend a frown, "You're the one that tried to suck up to Shizune by offering to take the extra work. _You_ do the freaking work…" 

His eyes shot back and forth between the two friends, and for just a moment, Asuma was happy for the distraction.  
 _I still have to make things right with Kakashi somehow. Even if I have_ _**no**_ _idea how to do that… I wish I could ask these two for advice, you know? They're the kind of guys that would probably have some good ideas. But I can't. Not only are they just too tired and overworked, I can't let anyone else know about Kakashi. I'm not dense enough to think I stand even the slightest chance of being forgiven after doing something stupid like_ _ **that**_ _…_

Rising to his feet, Asuma nodded at the two men, "I have to go. Did all I had to do, right?" 

"Mmm-hmm… Yeah…" Genma didn't look up, his eyes glued to the paper, lips all but glued to the coffee mug, "Night…" 

"Night guys," Smiling sympathetically, Asuma left the office.  
 _When was the last time either of those guys got a good night's rest?_

XOXOX

"That doesn't sound too bad," Tsunade pondered out loud.

"Maybe... I don't really know much about fathers." 

"You're about to go deal with mother bear, too. You up for that?" 

The copy ninja gulped, "No..." 

Smiling at him, Tsunade confided, "Yoshino isn't bad, Kakashi. She can be a very sweet woman, sometimes. And it's quite clear that you love Shikamaru, and that he loves you... I don't think she'll give you much grief." 

"I hope not... Mothers are even worse..." 

"Maybe, but that's mostly because you don't know the feeling of _having_ one. I'm pretty sure you're about to find out though," She added thoughtfully, "Certainly if Shikaku actually welcomed you to the family." 

"I think that part scares me the most..." 

"The family?" 

"Yeah..." 

She stayed quiet for a little while, hoping he'd say more. When it became clear he wouldn't, she still waited. For impact this time, "Kakashi, do you love Shikamaru?" 

"Yes. I love him," His voice sounded strained, no wonder, not too long ago he'd admitted that relationships were just about the scariest thing on earth to him. 

"That's all that really matters. They will accept you for who you are, for being the man that their son is in love with," She said in a soothing voice, intending to calm the man down.

"I highly doubt that." 

"Why?" 

"Because that person is... Hiding, most of the time." 

"I know. That's why we have these talks, so you can learn how to safely bring him out. When to know that you can, when to protect yourself," Smiling warmly, she regarded the man before her with an almost motherly look. It was hard not to, she really _did_ care about Kakashi. So much… 

"I'm not there, yet. So I worry that... I can't yet. Not unless I feel safe." 

_Makes sense…_  
"Does Shikamaru make you feel safe?"

"Yes... And I think I can mostly feel safe enough around Shikaku, too. But not when he's being all... _fatherly_... And not... I mean... I don't really get along with women, mostly..." 

It was impossible to suppress her smile, "I thought you and I were actually doing okay, here?" 

"Yeah..." 

"So, you're basically telling me I'm not a woman?" 

"No, just... It's a little different with you... You're not... This, _this_ is why it's different." 

"I understand," Tsunade chuckled lightly, "Is there something I can do to help?" 

"I... I don't mean to offend you, but... I just... I want to talk to Shikamaru..." 

"I'm not offended. But I don't know where he is, right now." 

"I do, but I'm not allowed to go there. So I thought I'd send Paccun..." 

"Is he allowed in the Forest?" 

"Not sure... I thought I'd ask him to deliver a note..." 

"That you want to see Shikamaru?" 

"Asking him to join me for dinner. If anyone else reads it, they can take it as they want. I don't care, not right now." 

"I realize that... But you might feel differently later on." 

"Maybe... But I can't think about it anymore. I don't want to. I just... I need to see him, that's all I know..." He sounded so broken right now, Tsunade could feel her heart break all over again.

"Kakashi... If I make that happen, will you listen to me?" 

"Listen to what?" Tears strained his voice, pooled in his eyes. 

"Don't leave your apartment right now. I'm... Worried about you. I really don't want you wandering around like this, with your heart out on your sleeve, alright?" 

"Alright. What are you going to do?" 

A wry smile graced her lips, "Appeal to Shikaku..."


	97. Appeal To Shikaku

AUTHORS NOTE: You wanted to know what happens next, right? Well, here it is! 

Marina, thank you ^.^ You're truly amazingly fantastic :)

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 97: Appeal To Shikaku

XOXOX

"There you are, Shikaku, I need to talk to you for a moment." 

The Nara looked up, frowning at the intruder, "You're not allowed here." 

Shikamaru shivered at the cold tone in his father's voice, sure, he knew the man was right, but still… This was the _Hokage_ …. 

"I know. I wouldn't be here If you weren't hiding out here, though. A moment, please?" 

The man sighed, rising to his feet, "Fine, damage is done, anyway." 

Together they walked away from the young man still sitting against the tree where his father had found him. 

XOXOX 

"Seriously Choji, you're so gross," Scrunching up her nose a little, the blonde stared in disgusted fascination. 

Quickly swallowing his food, he looked at his teammate, his tone innocently surprised, "Why? What did I do, Ino?" 

"Just…" She gestured to the grill, his plate, Choji himself, "Where do you _put_ all that?" 

Blinking, he tried to follow her gestures, "Eh… My stomach?" 

" _Exactly_. You should try the salad, Choji. It's way healthier." 

"Ino… This is a _barbeque restaurant._ People don't usually come in here for the _salad_ …" 

"Ugh," Exasperated, she threw her hands up in the air for a moment, "You're starting to sound _just_ like Shikamaru, you know that?" 

After her spontaneous remark, both teenagers froze on the spot. Looking each other in the eyes for several long seconds. Eventually, Choji swallowed thickly, "Have _you_ seen him recently?" 

Ino shook her head, "Nu-uh… You?" 

"No… Even Shikaku doesn't seem to know where he is…" 

"Yoshino neither…" Picking a piece of meat from the grill, the blonde chewed thoughtfully for a little while, "I've been looking for him, you know… But he's literally nowhere to be found. I know he's still in the village… Well, either that or he's been sent out on a classified mission, but there's just _no_ way, right?" 

Not replying, Choji just pushed the food on his plate around. 

"Right, Choji?" 

"I honestly don't know, Ino... I mean, sure it'd be weird, but… It's _Shikamaru_ … For all we know he really _could_ be…" 

"He'd tell us," Confident, she crossed her arms before her chest. 

"He wouldn't be _allowed_ to, Ino…" Apathetically, Choji picked up a piece of meat, bringing it to his lips before lowering his chopsticks again, "I'm not really hungry anymore…" 

"No… Me neither…"

XOXOX

"What do you need, Tsunade?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest, pretty sure he knew the answer to his own question already. 

"I think you know, Shikaku. I need your son to help my patient." 

"To help his _boyfriend_. Don't refer to him as your patient in front of me _or_ my son. And the answer is no." 

She sighed, "Shikaku…" 

"No. What do you hope to accomplish here, anyway? I called you because the man's breakdowns are _your_ responsibility. Don't put that burden on a fifteen-year-old." 

"I'm _not!_ I'm not, Shikaku. Kakashi… He's not breaking right now. He's –" 

"Stop it. You're going into therapy talk here, I can _hear_ it. I've said this before, that's _your_ expertise. I'm just there if you need to restrain someone." 

"Shikaku, would you just _listen_ to me?!" 

"No. I'm done. Get out of here, Tsunade. Before I _force_ you out," He turned to leave, but found himself frozen on the spot as a pair of young eyes, all but identical to his own, staring at them. 

"Dad… Lady Tsunade… I…" He swallowed, pushing his hands deep inside his pockets.  
When the young Nara spoke again, his voice was steady and strong, "I love him. So I'm going over there. End of discussion, Dad. Lady Tsunade, is there something I should know first?" 

"Not really… He said he needed to be certain that you were okay with him talking to me." 

"You mean about us?" He frowned, " _Woman_ , what did you _put_ him through?!" 

Shikaku couldn't bite back the smile at his son's words. He'd sounded _exactly_ like the man he loved just now. And he didn't even realize it. 

Tsunade too, suppressed her smile, the same thoughts that were entertaining the man beside her running through her own mind, "I didn't 'put him through' anything, Shikamaru. If you've got issues, talk to _this_ guy. But from what I gather, your father didn't do much to upset him, either. Kakashi is just…" She sighed, but then, seemed to come to a decision, "Shikamaru, how long have you and Kakashi been together?" 

The boy smirked, raising one eyebrow as his father's interest also piqued, " _He_ refused to tell you, so now you're asking _me_?" He chuckled, "What, you think that just because I'm younger I'll give you whatever info you want? Don't make me _laugh_ …" And just like that, he turned on his heels, walking away from them.

XOXOX

Rubbing in his eyes, he looked around. Shivering in the cold room.  
 _I fell asleep at the shogi board again… I wonder what time it is, late probably… I'm kinda thirsty…  
_

Getting up, Shouta softly walked to his bedroom door. Opening it just a little, the boy stood frozen for a few seconds, listening intently before he stepped out of his room, sliding his door almost closed behind him. He didn't want the slight 'click' to give him away. Quietly, he crept through the hallway, making his way over to the kitchen. 

"Shouta! What are you _doing_? You're supposed to be in _bed!_ " 

Instinctively he huddled himself up a little, biting his lip as he looked through the open door of the living room. Swallowing, the boy tried not to look his mother in the eyes, mumbling, "I was just thirsty mom…" 

"Speak up, Shouta!" Angry, she rose from her place on the sofa, hands on her hips, "What the hell are you doing out of bed?!" 

He tried to swallow again, but his mouth was too dry. His voice cracking a little as he repeated himself, "I was just thirsty, mom. I wanted to get a glass of water." 

"Well, of all the –" Sighing dramatically, she pointed back into the direction her son had come from, "Back to bed. I won't have you walking around after bedtime." 

He bowed his head, folding his hands before him, "Yes, mom…" Turning, he walked back to his bedroom, trying to ignore how dry his mouth and throat felt. Trying to ignore the memory of yet another man sitting on their sofa.  
 _I wish Shikamaru was here… I'm sure that if Shikamaru was here, she wouldn't have sent me back to bed. If Shikamaru was here, maybe I would have even gotten some tea. If Shikamaru was here, there wouldn't be another stranger on the sofa. If Shikamaru was here, mom would have had all her clothes on still… I wish I could live with Shikamaru…  
_

XOXOX

"I have to admit I wasn't expecting that…" Tsunade bit down on her nail, looking over at Shikaku. 

"Actually… Neither did I. I was just about to ask him about it when you showed up…" 

"Sorry, you may have had a better chance," She pulled a face, but the man smiled at her. 

"Doubt that. Given that they're both so _adamant_ about it… We may very well never know." 

"Give me one week, I'll pry it out of him." 

"You betting me, Tsunade?" 

"And what if I am?" 

"You always lose your bets." 

The woman laughed, "Not this one, Shikaku. Not this one."

XOXOX 

"So where do _you_ think he is?" Absentmindedly, she kicked a pebble across the street. 

"I don't know, Ino… I actually don't think he's left the village. I can't explain it, but I just… _Know._ You know?" 

"Yeah… I get what you mean… I don't think he's really left either. But at the same time… Shikamaru would never just ditch us, would he?" 

_I'm actually not too sure… Last time I saw Shikamaru was when he took me into the Nara Forest. That time when he finally told me he's gay. I know he's been hanging out with Kakashi-sensei for a while, but the rumors are that Kakashi-sensei is back with ANBU and that he's mostly out of the village… Even though that seems a little hard to believe as well…  
_ "Say, Ino? You talk to Sakura a lot, don't you?" 

"Sometimes, she's like, crazy busy though. Why?" 

"I was just wondering…" 

"Why? Weren't we talking about Shikamaru? What does Sakura have to do with that? She's dating _Shino_ remember? Even though Shikamaru would definitely be an upgrade…" The girl pulled a face, "Shino's bugs are gross…" 

Ignoring his teammate's last statement, Choji tried to come up with a way to explain his reasoning without giving either guy's secret away. But it wasn't easy…  
 _Sakura would probably know if Kakashi-sensei is still in the village. She'd also know if Shikamaru was still hanging out with him, wouldn't she? It's her_ _ **sensei**_ _after all… I know who Asuma-sensei hangs out with the most. Kurenai-sensei, and Kakashi-sensei and lately a couple of the guys that work at Hokage Tower as well. But he says_ _ **he**_ _hasn't seen Shikamaru lately either. He keeps insisting that that's not so weird, that Shikamaru's duties are just different from his and they don't cross paths as much anymore, but… It's just so weird… I'm actually thinking I'm pretty sure that Asuma-sensei just doesn't_ _ **want**_ _to know where Shikamaru is. That confession-thing really didn't sit too well with him, did it? I know Asuma-sensei'd said that they'd kinda talked it out, and that he's not upset about it anymore, but… Somehow I just get the feeling that he's lost in thought most of the time nowadays. Like, he's thinking about something. And he looks kind of sad a lot of the time as well. Maybe Asuma-sensei's still upset about it after all…  
_

"Hello-oh! Earth to Choji!" Impatiently waving a hand in front of the boy's face, Ino frowned, "What the hell does Sakura have to do with Shikamaru?" 

He sighed silently, "Nothing, never mind Ino…" 

"Oh, what _ever_ , you boys are all the same, you know that? Always lost in your own little world, and you don't give a _crap_ about fucking _anyone_!" Biting back tears, the blonde shoved her teammate's shoulder roughly, "Keep your bloody _secrets_ ," She spat out, "I'm going _home_!" Turning, she all but ran off, never looking back. 

Choji slumped against the wall behind him, sighing dejectedly.  
 _It's never good enough, now is it? Ino's upset, Shikamaru's disappeared, Asuma-sensei's bothered about something… And I can't do anything to help any of them!  
_

Swallowing against his own tears, he pushed off the wall, started home.  
 _God, I miss Shikamaru…_

XOXOX

"Babe?" 

Shikamaru walked into the bedroom to find it empty, so he went to check the kitchen.  
 _Not here, either… Please don't be out there somewhere!  
_

"Cuteness, in here." 

He quickly pushed open the door the bathroom, finding his love in the tub.  
Cigarette lit, sake on the edge of the tub. 

"You getting yourself comfortable?" He raised one eyebrow, seeing his lover like this was a bit… _Disheartening.  
_

"I'd be more comfortable if you'd join me," He smiled, setting the sake a little back so his younger lover could get in. 

"I'm not sure I want to…" The Nara worried the inside of his lip for a few seconds, "Kakashi, please tell me you're not going to freak again." 

"I'm not. I'm actually… Calm," He smiled again, "And very happy that you're here." 

"You're smoking again," Shikamaru pointed out, "Not to mention drinking…" 

Kakashi sighed, rubbing his face, "Shikamaru, Sweetheart, I'm not drinking to calm myself down, I'm drinking because… I'm not sure, really, I guess I'm kind of happy that you can't force me to lie to your father anymore…" 

The younger man winced at the words, "Did it really bother you _that_ much?" 

"It did. I told you I wasn't comfortable with it. Now would you please join me?" 

The temptation was too great, so yes, he _did_ join him. Swiftly stripping down before settling himself between his lover's long legs. 

"That's better, I was feeling lonely being all by myself in the tub," Kakashi stroked his lover's hair, crushing the bud of his cigarette in the ashtray he'd also brought over, "I love you." 

"I love you too. But I don't get it." 

"Get what?" 

"Why you didn't just talk to Tsunade," Shikamaru turned his head, trying to look at the other's face. 

But Kakashi leaned his head the other way, trailing soft kisses on the Nara's neck. He was focused on this for a while, and as such, made Shikamaru wait for his answer. By the time he finally spoke, the younger man had all but forgotten his question, too preoccupied with the lips on his neck to think about anything else, "I didn't think it would be fair to you if I decided on my own how much Tsunade could know." 

"She's your therapist…" 

"She's also our boss." 

"Not when she's here, and she's never let it affect her work, so why?" 

"Because…" The silver-haired man took a sip of his sake, offering the cup to his lover before setting it aside again, "It's about you now, too…" He added softly. 

"I don't care, you should know that…" 

"Did she ask you, too? About how long we've been together?" 

The Nara nodded, tracing small circles on his lover's leg. 

"Did you tell her?" 

"No," He smirked, "It's none of their business." 

Kakashi wrapped his arms around his young lover, leaning his chin on the Nara's shoulder, "My point _exactly._ " 

"Okay," Shikamaru swallowed, "I get it, but… Babe?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"Either let go, or fuck me, seriously either way is fine, but…" 

"A fuck it is –I wouldn't want anything less." 


	98. Love' Can Mean So Many Things

AUTHORS NOTE: I know you had to wait for it, and I'm sorry that the chapter I give you in return for all that patience is so short… But really – we're working up to the longest chapter I've ever written here… Hang in there!

Thank you so much, Marina! You're amazing and fantastical and more than a little weird – but I mean that in a good way!

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 98: 'Love' Can Mean So Many Things

XOXOX

Turning the lock of his apartment, Genma Shiranui heaved a deep sigh.  
 _And another failed attempt. Why is it so hard just to find someone that's at least enough fun to feel like going on a second date? But no, I get all the crazies apparently…  
_

Stepping inside, he quickly shed his shoes, hung his jacket on the hook by the door and walked over to the fridge. Grabbing a soda, Genma walked over to his couch, slouching down.  
 _Raidou's got it made, Shizune's pretty damn awesome. And he's totally into her… She's probably noticed by now, right? Better have. I didn't go through all that trouble to keep everyone away every time he saw her alone somewhere just so she could happily turn a blind eye on his affections. He may need to step it up a bit, though…  
_

Sighing, he opened the cap of his drink, emptying about half the bottle in one swig.  
 _'Love' has got the be the stupidest damned thing we humans ever tried to mess with… I've so had it with all of this!  
_

Suddenly feeling restless, the brunette jumped to his feet, started pacing. Trying not to think about depressing things like 'love' or more precisely, the complete and utter _lack_ of that in his own life, Genma tried to think about the list of civilian complaints from this morning.  
 _Playground's long overdue for some renovations… Need to get an estimate on that, first have to look at the contractors though, see which one's best suited. Can't spend too much, but still… The kids got to have a place to play, right? So, what else? There was this weird thing about Umino… Something about him being distracted or something… Since when is that cause to go complain to the Hokage? I mean, as far as I know the guy's a pretty decent teacher. Sakura adores the guy, right? Got to be doing something right then. So… Not going to worry about that one just yet. Maybe if there's more complaints, but not yet. Guy's allowed to have a life, you know? Maybe he's got trouble with his girlfriend or something. He's the kind of guy that'd have a steady relationship, maybe they just hit a rough patch.  
_

Shrugging, he put the sensei out of his thoughts. It wasn't like it was any of _his_ business anyway.  
 _There was the thing about that tree that's about to topple over. It's on Inuzuka grounds though, so I suppose we can't really do much about it. I should go over there tomorrow though, least I can do it check how bad it is. If it's really getting as dangerous as they say, I'll talk to someone there. Maybe they just haven't noticed yet. It's on the far end of their grounds after all. Then there was the complaint about that little bakery closing, but there's nothing anyone can do about that; the owner just croaked. Not like I can jutsu him back to life just so he'll continue making pastries!  
Let's see… There was so much more, but I can't seem to remember…  
_

Chuckling humorlessly, the brunette stopped pacing. Teasing the tip of his senbon with his tongue.  
 _I'm getting old here, can't even remember what happened this morning! Then again… My date apparently couldn't even remember my name… That's just… It's not asking too much to remember the name of the guy you're going out with, right? I mean… I even wrote it down! But no… Couldn't fucking remember…  
_

Sighing, he dropped himself back on the couch.  
 _I should just give up. I'm thirty-two, no more chasing after love. Just… No more…  
_

XOXOX

"I don't really want to go inside yet…" The pinkette pulled a little face, looking up at her boyfriend. 

Inwardly, Shino sighed, "Sakura, your father is already standing in the door. We have been stalling in the middle of the street for over half an hour. Please do not give him any more reason to dislike me…" 

She blinked, "He doesn't dislike you!" Turning, she looked at her father. The man had crossed his arms before his chest, waiting for his daughter with an annoyed look on his face, "Dad, you don't dislike Shino, do you?" She called out. 

The man sighed, pulling a face, "Sure, I don't dislike him, whatever you want. Just come inside already…" 

"See?" 

Shino resisted the urge to plant his palm against his forehead. Sakura was beaming at him, _clearly_ not understanding that her father had only agreed with her so she would go to bed already. It was getting _really_ late after all, "Yes Sakura. Now, good night," Turning, he tried to get away quickly. He really did not want to kiss his girlfriend with said girlfriend's obviously annoyed father watching. But Sakura didn't even grant him _that_ much. Grabbing his arm, the girl frowned. 

"Shino! Don't I even get a kiss before you make a run for it?!" 

He bit back an annoyed reply, leaning over to grant the pinkette's wish.  
 _I think I would really like to get a mission by now. Just to get away from all of this for a little while…  
_

Shino deliberately kept the kiss as chaste as he possibly could, giving the girl's father a small nod as he – _finally_ – went home.  
 _I really do love her, but there are days when Sakura is just… A bit too much.  
_

XOXOX

He threw the empty bottle in the trashcan, pulling a face as he looked around the tidy, comfortable but most of all _spacious_ apartment.  
 _I always thought I'd share this place someday…  
_

Shaking his head a little to rid himself of these depressing thoughts, Genma decided he needed a shower and a good night's sleep.  
 _It'll be better in the morning. It always is. It's just another botched date, nothing to get so cynical over…  
_

XOXOX

Iruka sighed, deciding to just get out of bed.  
 _Not like tossing and turning all night's going to do me any good, right? Darn, if only I knew_ _ **why**_ _I feel so restless! I've had trouble sleeping before, but usually I at least know what's wrong… But I don't even have the faintest clue!_

XOXOX

Gai smiled softly, wondering if he could get away with throwing an arm around her shoulders.  
 _Third date and all… But Anko's a bit volatile – amazing, but… Scary in a way.  
_ He risked a glance sideways, Anko seemed to be enjoying herself, animatedly telling him a story about a mission she'd gone on not long ago. When she came to the point where Kiba'd slipped and faceplanted himself in a pile of manure, Gai laughed along with her. The story really _was_ funny, made only _more_ amusing by the way she told it. A warm glow resided in the jounin's heart, Anko really was amazing. 

Suddenly turning to him, the woman cocked her head, "If _you're_ not gonna do it, I'll just do it myself," Grabbing his arm, she draped it around her own shoulders, snuggling up to the large man a little. 

Gai chuckled, "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to," Pulling her even closer, he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. Anko smiled up at him, wrapping one arm around him while resting her other hand on his chest. 

"Figures. Guys can be such cowards," Grinning, she reached up to give him a quick kiss. Even standing on her toes, she could only manage to reach his chin. Chuckling, he leaned down, kissing her on the lips instead. 

"Not cowards, just…" He smiled softly, "I did not want to push you." 

"Yeah… Kinda like that about you, Gai," Winking, she gently pulled him along again. They were walking through one of Konoha's many parks, their way only lit by the stars and the crescent moon above. 

"Really? I suppose that is a good thing, then." 

"Yep. I'm not an easy girl, Gai. Don't let the rumors fool you." 

"I do not pay attention to rumors, Anko. If I did, I would not have any time left!" Chuckling, he stopped walking again, gently lifting her chin a little to kiss her once more. 

XOXOX

 _Okay… So now I'm out of bed, but I'm too tired to actually_ _ **do**_ _anything…  
_ Iruka let out a frustrated sigh, shoving his work away from him. He got up, deciding that he might as well try every remedy he could think of. Reaching into his fridge, Iruka pulled out the milk. Slightly suspicious, he smelled at the bottle first. Seemed fine. So he took a little sip. Still fine. Good. Next, the brunette reached for a small pot, pouring some milk in before setting the pot on the stove and lighting the fire.  
 _Maybe some warm milk will help me sleep… I could have some sake with that, might work. Yeah… I'll do that. Warm the milk, pour myself in a cup of alcohol and pray to god that it'll help. I don't want to be up all night again. Especially not since I don't even have a darned_ _ **reason**_ _for not being able to sleep. It's not like I'm particularly worried about something or that there's something that I need to work out in my head… I'm just…_ _ **Restless**_ _._

XOXOX

Shino walked home at a quick pace, not that his parents would get worried like Sakura's father had obviously been, but the boy was tired and he wanted to go to bed.  
 _I love her, I honestly do. But spending the entire day trying to make Sakura happy might just be a little more than I can actually_ _ **take**_ _. I am uncertain if this is because I am making mistakes again or if this is because we simply do not match up enough to_ _ **be**_ _in a relationship. I am not even sure which option I am hoping for at this point. Ever since I stopped planning everything beforehand, our relationship has deepened. Just as Lord Hiashi predicted. But at the same time, I am less comfortable because I have to make all the decisions in a split second now, and the chance of getting something wrong is not only_ _ **present**_ _; it is often the most likely outcome. And yet… I love her. Feistiness and all. No, I believe that might actually be a large part of_ _ **why**_ _I love her in the first place. Sakura is an amazing kunoichi, an amazing young woman. And I love her dearly, I just do not know if I can keep up with her…  
_

XOXOX

"Well, this is my door…" Anko pulled a little face, she didn't really want to let this man go yet. But at the same time, she couldn't very well invite him in.  
 _Gai may be different from most guys, but he's_ _ **still**_ _a guy. If I invite him in, isn't he going to assume something's going to happen? I may be a little impulsive but I'm not stupid. I'm not an easy girl, not like some others that I know. I don't spread my legs for every guy that takes me out to dinner. But Gai… He really_ _ **is**_ _different. He's been trying to catch my attention for a while now, I noticed. I just didn't want to jump right in there because I really_ _ **do**_ _… Like him, I guess. But then he finally asked me out, and I said yes. And that was wonderful, and so we did it again. And here we are a_ _ **third**_ _time. If I invite him in_ _ **now**_ _, he's really going to think I'm going to let him get into my pants, isn't he…?  
_ A small sigh escaped her, the expression on her face just a little sad. 

Feeling a little insecure at his date's sudden change in expression, Gai couldn't help but place a hand on the woman's shoulder, "Anko, is there something wrong?" 

She looked up at him.  
 _This guy is so sweet! How come no-one ever really noticed just what a great guy he is?  
_ "No, not really…" She bit her lip for a second, "It's just… I don't really want you to leave yet, but… I don't want any funny business either, so…" She sighed softly, "I guess it's just goodnight then." 

Gai blinked, "Funny business? I must admit I am not too accustomed to the euphemisms people seem to be using for just about anything these days, but I can assure you that I do not intend to take advantage of you. Whether we are having dinner, walking through the park or in a more… Private setting. I simply want to get to know you better. And I do not really want this night to end either, so if you'd _like_ …" He let his voice trail off, certain that the woman would understand what he was trying to say even if he couldn't find the correct words to use. 

Out of nowhere, Anko flashed him one of the happiest smiles he'd ever seen, reaching into the pocket of her overcoat to grab her keys. Pulling the chain out, she grabbed his hand, pulling him inside the moment the door opened. Without a word, Anko shed her sandals, hung her coat on the rack. Gai smiled softly, taking off his own sandals and hanging his flack jacket next to her coat. Still in silence, he followed her into the actual apartment. Anko's place was small, but larger than most. There were apparently three rooms; the living room with a little kitchenette held two other doors. Most likely leading to the bathroom and the bedroom. Gai decided not to ask. There was a low table in the middle of the living room, surrounded by colorful plush pillows. Colors seemed to be everywhere anyway. Every wall was painted in another pastel color, with bright paintings hung on them. The bookcase was bright purple with neon yellow and the kitchenette was splashed with just about every color known to man. Somehow, it suited Anko, he decided. 

She gestured towards the pillows, "Sit down, can I get you something?" 

He couldn't help but smile at her bright demeanor, her bounciness. The woman was all but skipping around, clearly unable to stand still, "Some tea?" 

"Sure! C'mon, sit down!" Grinning wide, she turned to the kitchenette, pulling out two mugs that were so colorful it almost hurt his eyes. They were bright green, but it looked like someone had taken a paint brush and just added dots and stripes and little figures in every other color they could find. 

Gai almost chuckled.  
 _So this is Anko's own private domain. I had never expected_ _ **this**_ _much color. She did say she loves colorful surroundings, but this might be a_ _ **little**_ _more over the top than I had first anticipated. It suits her very well, though. And I think I like this as well. Not just as a part of Anko, but the general look of the place. She's got a lot of pink, too.  
_

He held back his chuckles again, apart from Kakashi and Shikamaru no-one knew about the jounin's love for the color after all. But Anko's table was bright pink, with little yellow stars stuck to it.  
 _Yes, I really like this place._

"What're you thinking about?" She sat the cups down, taking her seat on the man's right. 

He gave her a soft smile, picking up his tea, "I was thinking I like your style," Blowing on the hot liquid, he watched her reaction from under his eyelashes. 

Anko blinked, looking a little surprised, "Are you being serious? Or are you just pulling my leg?" Suspicion crept into her voice and Gai hurried to reassure her. 

"You had already told me you like to surround yourself with color, I just had not realized there would be so _much_ color in your apartment. But I really _do_ like it. I would not joke around about something like that. I think I may be especially fond of your table though," Gai winked, taking a risk that may or may not ruin his chances with this woman forever, "I may not say it very often, but pink is actually my favorite color. I used to be teased about it, so I learned not to speak of it. I think by now, you are the third person that knows," He chuckled, "It won me a challenge though." 

"Wait, what? Forget about the favorite color thingy for a second, I'll get back to that," Anko leaned over a little, "You actually challenged _Kakashi_ to a challenge that would cause you to say something like _that_? What was the challenge?" 

Shrugging, Gai decided that _this_ much was fair game, "Tell the other something about ourselves that they did not know yet. Honestly, when you've known each other for as long as I have known Kakashi, that gets a little difficult," He chuckled. 

"I can imagine," Anko grinned, leaning back on her hands, "What was his counter?" 

"Personal," He shot her an apologetic smile, "I am sorry Anko, but he is my best friend. I cannot break his trust by telling someone else." 

Anko looked thoughtful for a minute, cocking her head to the side as she straightened her back once more, "You know… Most guys would sell out their buddy in a heartbeat, thinking that they'd be 'earning my trust' or something stupid like that and then expecting me to just give it up in return. You're _really_ not 'most guys' are you…?" 

Gai chuckled, "I am not," Taking a sip of his tea, he regarded the woman with a serious look, "If I cannot be the person my best friend can trust, how can I trust him? And if we cannot trust each other, how could we be friends? Kakashi and I are very different, but I believe that's why it actually works so well. We both share the same core values after all: Trust, friendship and dependability." 

"Eh…" She chuckled, "Kakashi Hatake and 'dependable' don't really go together in the same sentence. Unless of course that sentence is: 'Kakashi Hatake is anything but dependable'…" 

Frowning a little, Gai put down the teacup, "Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you needed someone to be there for you but you thought no-one was around? Kakashi is the guy that's going to be there regardless. He acts on nothing but instinct and he always ends up there where people need him the most. I have no idea how he does it, but if you ask around there's plenty of people that will tell you how he somehow managed to show up at the last minute. Whether that be on missions, far away from the village sometimes, or just little things around here. I know for a fact that he's pretty much the hero of the building he lives in," A soft smile appeared on his face, "That excuse about helping a little old lady cross the street may not be _entirely_ correct, but it _is_ pretty close, actually." 

"For real? I know that he's got this habit of showing up right when you're about to get hit by some kunai or jutsu or whatever… I guess I just never really thought about it…" 

"No, most people don't. They see the legend, not the man," Gai shrugged, "I just see my best friend." 

XOXOX

 _Nothing's working! Oh, I just… I just have this feeling that something's wrong. That something's off. Please tell me it's not Kakashi again? Please tell me he's okay…  
_

Iruka sighed, dropping his head in his hands.  
 _Don't be stupid. If_ _ **anyone's**_ _in trouble, it's Kakashi. It's_ _ **always**_ _Kakashi…  
_

XOXOX

Yoshino smiled wryly. Shikaku'd gotten home late, even though he was supposed to be off work early – all he'd really had planned for the day was his early meeting with the Hokage and check over Shikamaru's work for the chuunin exams, he should've been home before lunch. But the guy'd gotten back way past dinnertime, hungry, tired and grumpy. He hadn't said a word as he shoveled a quickly re-heated dinner into his mouth, had only thanked her and told her he was going to bed after. And now she sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what the hell had happened today. Something was off about Shikaku, and Yoshino had the nagging feeling that it had something to do with her son. Her husband was fast asleep, and as she brushed her hair and braided it for the night she briefly contemplated waking him up to ask him what was up with him today, but she knew she wouldn't.  
 _At least I can be sure he would never cheat on me… He just keeps me away from my only child and pretends that it's for Shikamaru's good. I_ _ **know**_ _something happened today, and I swear to god I will find out what! Not tonight, and maybe not tomorrow, but I_ _ **will**_ _get to the bottom of this! Even if I have to go to Lady Tsunade herself, I will hear the truth. This time I won't keep quiet. It's gone on long enough. I love Shikaku, but I can't live with his evasiveness_ _ **any**_ _longer. I'll talk to him tomorrow, no matter what. This guy owes me some bloody_ _ **anwers**_ _!_


	99. Blasted Tsunade

AUTHORS NOTE: Anyone wondering what that 'inside joke' is? Think back to the chapter called "The Talk', "But I switch too, If I wanna." Yeah, I know it's kinda lame, but it's the sort of thing that just gets stuck in my head and I can't get it out so I might as well use it ;) 

This one is only Beta´d by me, because my dear Beta is _**sooooo**_ busy… So, any mistakes are mine and mine alone ;)

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 99: Blasted Tsunade

XOXOX

It had been a tight squeeze in Kakashi's tub, and Shikamaru had just about decided never to try that again when they were unexpectedly pulled out of their languid kiss by a knock on the door. 

Kakashi mumbled something, but he couldn't make it out, "What did you say?" 

"I said," He raised his voice now, knowing it would carry all the way through the front door, "Blasted Tsunade!" 

The Nara chuckled, which turned into a full blown belly laugh as 'blasted Tsunade' replied, all but yelling through the door, "Yeah, that's me! Now if you could open the door?! Preferably _before_ I try to bust trough this time?!" 

Eyes wide, Shikamaru whispered, "She did _what_?" 

"I'll tell you later, Cuteness," He chuckled, "Just a minute, Tsunade!" 

As Kakashi tried to get up, a groan escaped his throat. Shikamaru, immediately attentive, placed his hands on the man's shoulders, "What's wrong?" 

The silver-haired man offered him a wry smile, "I think I might've just pulled a muscle…" 

_Okay, we're_ _ **definitely**_ _not having sex in the tub again…  
_ Shikamaru quickly got up, turning to give his boyfriend a hand. 

"Thanks, but I think you better go open the door first, she's _not_ kidding about breaking it down…" 

"Dude… I'm naked. Lemme get dressed first," So he hurried to towel himself dry, and slipped into his pants. Tsunade would just have to deal with the lack of a shirt, "Sure you don't need a hand?" 

"In a minute, let her in, then come back, okay?" 

Shikamaru nodded, moving to open the door that Tsunade was banging on again. 

"Jeez, calm down already…" He opened the door, and was greeted by one of the _dirtiest_ smirks he'd ever seen. 

"Hmmm, was I interrupting something, Shikamaru?" 

The young Nara decided that this was as good a time as any to make a point, "Actually _, yes_. Do you mind just waiting for a bit?" He didn't wait for a reply, turning back to the bathroom to help Kakashi out. 

Behind him, he could hear the woman come in and close the door behind her. She leisurely walked over to the bedroom, probably sitting down on the chair, Shikamaru couldn't be bothered with what the woman did right now. 

Back in the bathroom, Kakashi had managed to get himself out of the tub, wincing as he tried to towel himself dry as quickly as he could. 

"Here, let me," He grabbed the towel, motioning for his lover to sit down on the edge of the tub.  
He worked quickly, but also gently, helping Kakashi put on his pants after. The copy ninja decided that he, too, would forgo the rest of the clothing, limping towards the bedroom. Shimakaru followed, he _really_ couldn't help the smirk on his face. 

XOXOX

"What the hell happened to _you_?!" Tsunade was astounded, she leaves the guy alone for what? A couple hours? And _somehow_ he managed to hurt himself in that short stretch of time? 

"Pulled a muscle, it'll heal. Anyway, it was worth it…" He dropped himself on the bed, the Nara soon following suit. 

_So… He doesn't sit down on the floor anymore… And he's blushing. Were they trying to fuck in that little tub of his? Oh, please! How the hell would that even_ _ **fit**_ _?  
Seems like they did, though….  
_"You two must be pretty flexible…" She smirked. 

The Nara's blush deepened, but Kakashi looked her straight in the eyes, " _He_ is. Me, not so much…" 

There it was, the 'Nara smirk', "Dude, don't tell me you're getting old on me…" He nudged his boyfriend, winking. 

_So, that comfortable feeling that they had together remains… That's good to see. I have to admit I was a little worried that it would fade away the moment they started screwing each other, but apparently their bond is stronger than that. That's good.  
_ "Okay… Now that you're _both_ here… How long?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Neither of us wanted to tell you when we were alone, but now you think we'll tell you anyway?" 

"Well, I figured you didn't want to tell me for fear of breaking each other's trust. Since you can consult with each other now, I thought you might finally just tell me." 

Shikamaru smirked, "No," And Kakashi immediately added, "We decided that when we got together. We're _not_ talking about it, Tsunade," There was a small frown on his face. 

"Fine, but why not?" _Darn… But I_ _ **will**_ _figure it out, just watch me Shikaku… No, that's actually not why I want to know… Still, would be nice to win the bet…  
_

The two men looked at each other for a moment, having one of those silent conversations that she could never follow. Finally, Shikamaru sighed, "Fine, have it your way, then…"  
He looked away, obviously a little annoyed. 

Tsunade turned her attention to Kakashi, expectantly. But he didn't say a word, "Wait, who's way? What did you two just decide?" 

"That Kakashi doesn't want to tell you. Honestly, I don't see the problem, but…" 

"The problem is that it's not anyone's business, Cu- Shikamaru." 

_Wait, what? Did he just almost use a pet name?  
_ Tsunade chuckled. 

"What's so funny?" The older of the two looked genuinely annoyed at her amusement, probably because he realized he'd almost slipped up. 

But that wouldn't deter his therapist, "What did you just almost call him, Kakashi?" 

"Again, not your business." 

"Cuteness." 

She looked back and forth between the two for a moment, while Kakashi turned to face his boyfriend squarely, "Shikamaru, it _really_ isn't any of her business!" 

"Then what _is_? Isn't she supposed to be helping you? How the hell is that gonna work if she doesn't _know_ anything?" 

"She doesn't need to know _that_!" 

Tsunade watched the younger one smirk, "It doesn't matter, you need to learn to talk about us, and if that little thing is going to help…" 

" _You_ were the one who said no-one could find that one out, though," Kakashi sounded thoughtful, something that very much pleased the blonde. 

" _That_ one," Shikamaru nodded at Tsunade, "Is not part of no-one…" 

_Should I be offended?  
_ Inwardly, she smiled. Apparently bringing in the boyfriend had been the right decision.  
Kakashi slowly turned back to face her, as if his boyfriends little gesture had reminded him of her presence. That was probably true, he really had seemed to have forgotten the reason they'd dragged their lazy asses out of the tub already… 

"So… _Cuteness_ , eh? Why is _that_ such a big secret?" She cocked her head to the side, almost smiling as the one that had been so adamant that she could know shifted a little uncomfortably. 

"It's… Between us. I mean, Kakashi is the only one that can call me that. So just… Don't say it again, okay?" 

"Alright, are you afraid others might pick it up if he uses that name in public?" 

Shikamaru nodded, ever so slightly, the blush had returned full force now. So she decided to change the subject, it didn't really matter anyway. What mattered to her was how the two had resolved the issue about it. She didn't really care _what_ they called each other – or why. Although she could see why… "There is something else that's been bothering me a little, though… But Kakashi wouldn't talk about it before he spoke with you," She purposely addressed the Nara, as he had been the most open one of the two, "But earlier, he said something… When I asked what happened first, the sex or the declaration of love –" 

"We're _not_ talking about that," The copy ninja interrupted her, a hot blush on his cheeks. 

She'd seen him blush before, had seen every possible physical reaction to her questions at this point, but somehow, this was different… Although Tsunade couldn't quite put her finger on it. 

Shikamaru curiously looked over at his lover, "What did you tell her?" 

The silver-haired man leaned back against the wall, sighing, "Tell him, Tsunade, I really don't care for repeating my mistakes…" 

Eyebrows raised in surprise, she still granted the jounin's request.  
Catching Shikamaru's questioning look, she wished she could understand more about this relationship. But they seemed so determined to keep her out. 

"Right… That… Babe, you fucked up." 

Kakashi chuckled, before turning serious again, "I know, I'm sorry. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut." 

"Not _that_ ," The Nara frowned, "You should have phrased it better… It's… Not exactly very accurate. I mean, it _is,_ but it's not." 

Tsunade, now thoroughly confused, looked at the young man, " _Now_ , I don't understand _any_ of it anymore…" 

Sighing, Shikamaru looked over at his boyfriend, "Kakashi, let me get this one, okay? Before you know it, she'll be thinking all we ever do is fuck." 

"But that _is_ basically –" 

" _Half_ the time, stop yanking my chain, dude." 

"Aw, but it's _so_ much _fun_ to yank your chain!" 

"Later, when we're alone. I'm _not_ gettin' yanked around in front of some _woman._ " 

"You're the one who wanted to tell her everything, we _could_ have a little show and tell…" 

Tsunade looked on in bewilderment as the two shot their answers back and forth, finally catching on as the both of them doubled over, laughing, "You're yanking _my_ chain, aren't you?!" She asked, exasperated. 

They looked at each other one more time, before both turning to her, and in complete unison, said, "Yep!" 

"Well… I suppose it's nice to see you two are so in sync…" She offered them a wry smile, "But really… What the hell happened when you got together?" 

Shikamaru looked at her squarely, ignoring his red cheeks, "We fucked, happy?" 

Tsunade closed her eyes for a second.  
 _I should just give up… But no, I can't. This is too important to just let it slide. However he handled the situation says_ _ **too**_ _much about his coping methods. But this is really starting to get on my nerves!  
_ "Exactly, Shikamaru. What happened _exactly?_ " 

The Nara bit his lip, while his boyfriend started to pat around the bed, undoubtedly looking for his cigarettes again. 

"They're still in the bathroom, Babe, want me to go get 'em?"  
The jounin nodded, and Shikamaru walked out. 

"That's… Unexpected. I was under the impression that he wasn't too happy about your smoking habit?" 

"He's not. He probably wanted an excuse to get away from you for a few minutes… You're asking about a really big deal here, Tsunade. Mostly, I don't want to tell you because of him. So it's up to Shikamaru whether or not you'll hear the story, give him time to figure it out," He rested his head against the wall again, clearly not willing to talk to her again for the time being. 

So she waited. Hoping Shikamaru would decide he was going to tell her.  
It really _did_ take him a couple minutes to walk the short distance to retrieve Kakashi's fags. It seemed the young man really needed this time to think. Just as she was about to say something, he appeared in the doorway. Lit cigarette dangling from his lips, a cup of sake in his hand while the other hand held both the bottle and a fresh pack of smokes, "Sorry, this was the last one, so I grabbed the pack off the counter." 

"Sure," Kakashi caught the cigarettes as his lover threw them over, opening the pack to grab his own smoke. 

But Tsunade was still looking at the young Nara, he hadn't moved from his spot, taking a deep drag before bringing the cup to his lips. 

"Uh… Shikamaru? I don't think you're old enough for either of that…" She spoke hesitantly, genuine concern for his welfare drove her to speak, but when the boy scoffed she knew she'd been better off staying quiet for the time being. 

"You're not my mother, you're not even my boss right now. Shut up and deal with it." 

She swallowed, unsettled by the harsh tone. But it was Kakashi who diffused the situation, "Sweetie, she's got a point… I don't care if you smoke, but hand the sake over, please." 

"Fine…" Walking over, he handed his boyfriend the bottle, emptying the cup before handing that over, too. 

"Not exactly what I meant, but thank you," His tone was light, and there was a soft smile on his face, but the second Kakashi looked away, a small frown appeared. It was gone again by the time Shikamaru could see his face once more, but Tsunade had noticed. 

_I guess it can be tough, having a relationship with someone that much younger… He has to be the responsible one, and we all know that Kakashi isn't the most responsible person in the world, not when it comes to the personal issues, anyway… He handled it pretty well, though, I guess. Given the circumstances at least.  
_

The boy flopped himself down on the bed, tapping his ashes into the ashtray he apparently also carried with him. He pointed at Tsunade, "You, don't talk. You," He looked over at his lover, "Can, if ya wanna," He winked, and Kakashi smiled. Apparently, there was some inside joke going on here, not that she cared much. 

Tsunade nodded at him, to let him know she would accept his condition. After all, she'd been down this road with Kakashi before. Other patients, too.  
Sometimes they needed to get something off their chest, and if you interrupted them, they would lose their nerve. In this case, though, it most likely meant she wasn't allowed to ask anything about it afterwards, either. That was a bit disappointing, as she had no way of knowing how much the Nara would divulge. But it was always better to know _something_ than it was to know _nothing_. 

He took another deep drag from his smoke, before flicking the bud in the ashtray, "You were right," He didn't look at her, instead studying his hands, "I went to Kakashi to… Ask stuff. And he was nice enough to… Explain. Apart from everything else, he was the only person I could ask, but… There was more… I…" He sighed, looking at his boyfriend, "I never told you… I'm sorry." 

Shifting, the young man positioned himself against his lover, draping Kakahsi's arm over his shoulder, looking for a little comfort. The older man allowed him to maneuver his way to what looked to be his favorite position, the Nara's head lay upon his lover's chest, one arm wrapped tightly around his young body. He snaked his arm around the jounin, resting the other hand just below his head, on the other's stomach. 

When Shikamaru was comfortable, he continued, his gaze lingering somewhere around Kakashi's knees, "When I went on that supposed abduction mission, I did a lot of thinking. And I realized a few things. That I love you, among other things, that I wanted to feel you as well…" His cheeks turned red again, but he ignored it, "And when I came back… Mom really _was_ nagging me about guys… And dad… I dunno, the guy looked so smug, like he knew something that he wasn't supposed to know. At first I thought it was the whole 'Asuma-thing', but now… I'm not so sure… It seems like he knew about _this_ as well… Anyway… I _wanted_ to talk to Choji, but he wasn't here, so I kind of settled for Iruka-sensei… But I didn't really want to talk about it, because… Anyway, I knew I was bothering the guy while he needed to get some work done, and I kind of needed to be alone, anyway, so I asked him for your key. Still took some convincing, though… But then I came here, and you weren't here and even though I _knew_ that coming over… The place felt so empty… I guess I was here for a couple hours when suddenly the lock turned. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see anyone in my life…" 

He took a deep breath, reaching for the cigarettes. Kakashi moved them away, and the brat frowned, but continued nonetheless, "So I took you out to dinner, really, that whole 'date-joke' almost got me. I thought you'd figured me out… And I was embarrassed, so I tried to laugh it off.  
But dinner was so comfortable… I guess I'd kind of forgotten just how _easy_ it is to just be around you… So later… I thought, I might as well ask you about that stuff, because honestly, I didn't know where else to turn, and… I also kind of hoped that I might… I dunno, see if you were interested?" 

Kakashi hummed a little, it didn't make any sense to her, but apparently the brat understood well enough. 

"Yeah… I noticed… And that was why I couldn't… I mean… I guess I just kind of..." 

"Got carried away," His boyfriend offered. 

"Yeah… I guess. Anyway, and then you went all 'I'm a grown man' and… That hurt. Hurt even more that you brought my dad into it, but… I knew it was all a defense tactic, I just… I _know_ you _.  
_ So I pushed a little." 

Another hum from the other man. 

"Okay, a _lot_ ," Shikamaru chuckled, "It worked, didn't it? Until you started freaking out again… But, in the end, that was actually a _good_ thing, I suppose, because I don't think you would've ever said anything otherwise, right?" 

"Probably not… I was half-convinced I was dreaming or something… I _never_ thought you would come on to me. I'd been thinking about you too much, given the situation we were in, and I just… It was too good to be true, so I decided it wasn't." 

Shikamaru chuckled again, "Too good, huh? Imagine what I can do with a little practice…" He shot a look in Tsunade's direction. 

She'd kept her word and stayed completely silent, although she was quickly realizing that knowing _something_ could turn out a lot worse than knowing _nothing.  
_

"You're lost, huh?" He watched her nod, "Nothing really happened at that point, though…" 

"Cuteness, don't lie," Kakashi tried to sound calm, but his voice came out pretty shaky. 

"Okay, _yeah_ , we kissed, so what? I was _trying_ to get you to fuck me, compared to that…" 

"Not _just_ a kiss, Shikamaru. Your first. And you're also leaving out a lot of touches, none too innocent ones…" 

"Like I said, I was trying to _fuck_ you. And then you freaked. Because I touched you. Not fair." 

Kakashi chuckled a little, "You know, you really _can_ be very aggressive, sometimes. And you scared the hell out of me. Rattled my cage, so to speak. I had been trying so hard to think of you as nothing more than my best friend, and then you go and pull a stunt like that. I had to completely reset the way I thought about you, and you didn't exactly give me much time to do that." 

"Because I was scared you'd back away if I did. But it kind of worked, not giving you time to think meant you actually said what was on your mind, that you love me." 

"I believe the term I used was 'fell for you', though." 

"Same thing. It meant that I could finally say it, too. But it all got so complicated after that… Because I got all horny before, and then you went and shattered my entire world with three little words…" 

"Same here…" 

"Yeah, I noticed," Shikamaru said dryly, before laughing again, "And anyway, that's kind of when we just couldn't hold back anymore," He moved, straightening himself just enough to look his boyfriend in the eyes. Whispering, "You were perfect," Before placing a chaste kiss on thin lips. 

It looked like something startled him, turning around to look at her, he frowned.  
But when he didn't say anything, that was even more unsettling. Tsunade had no idea of knowing what was wrong, what was going through his head because she'd already agreed not to ask anything. 

The Nara leaned over Kakashi, picking up the cigarettes before anyone could do anything about it. The man sighed, but held out his hand for one nonetheless, lighting both with a match. 

"So, in a way, Kakashi told you exactly what happened… We talked, we kissed, okay _and more,_ talked again, confessing I guess you could call it, then… Fucked. Like, kind of right after, so he told you already. Just the _really_ short version," He swallowed, "Fine, ask away, just don't expect answers. I'm not gonna if I don't wanna." 

Again, both chuckled. 

_Another inside joke? Or another reference to the same one? Not important now, though. He said I could ask. But how do I do that without making them withdraw again? I'm pretty sure he's going to hate himself in the morning for even telling me_ _ **this**_ _much…  
_ "Why did you try to get him to fuck you in the first place? If you wanted more, why didn't you aim for that, Shikamaru?" 

He shrugged, "Didn't think I was getting that. Besides… Have you ever _looked_ at the guy? Who _wouldn't_ want to fuck him?" 

Kakashi blushed, softly laughing, "Subtle…" 

Tsunade also felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, "I know, he's a looker, right? But, that doesn't answer my question…" 

"Then what do you mean?" Shikamaru frowned, and Tsunade suddenly remembered how much he hated it when he didn't understand something. 

"Not to point out the obvious, Shikamaru, but… You're fifteen. I wouldn't have expected someone your age to want to be in a relationship or even just have a fuck with someone twice your age…" 

"Oh… _That_ … Again, _look_ at the guy! Seriously… Topic closed, anyway." 

_Fine…_  
"How was it?" 

The Nara flustered, pressing himself against Kakashi again. The older man had already somewhat gotten used to this line of questioning, and he gently lifted his lover's chin so he could look at him, "She's not asking for details, Sweetheart. Just… " He obviously didn't know how to put it into words, but it seemed that the younger man caught his drift. 

Blushing even harder, he pushed his face flush against his boyfriend's chest, mumbling something about how it wasn't any of her business, but that it had been perfect and if she could now please stop. 

Kakashi flashed her one of his amazing smiles, and she winked back at him, Shikamaru's obvious discomfort reminded them both of how Kakashi had been not too long ago. 

"Alright, how bad is me asking about it?" 

He didn't move, but his voice was a little stronger as he replied, "Never do that again…" 

"Okay, I won't. How does Kakashi make you feel?" 

Shikamaru looked up at his lover, lightly touching his chin with his lips, it couldn't even be called a kiss, and suddenly Tsunade realized what had startled the boy so much earlier; She'd seen him kissing his boyfriend.  
 _So he's shy about that, huh? He calmly uses words like fucking, and he doesn't have a problem letting me know that they_ _ **were**_ _just fucking, but he doesn't want anyone to_ _ **see**_ _anything…  
That could be a bit of a problem for them…  
_

"Safe, loved," He smirked, still looking up at Kakashi, "Thoroughly fucked." 

Kakashi grinned at him, "You can tell her _that_ , but a small kiss is a problem?" Immediately leaning down, he put the theory to the test, laughing as his lover pulled back, blushing. 

"So what?" The Nara mumbled grumpily, "That's different." 

Tsunade leaned back a little, biting her nail for a second, "Not really, though… If you feel safe enough to talk about fucking him, what's wrong with kissing him? Is it because someone is looking?" 

Still not looking at her, he shrugged, "I guess… I know, it's stupid." 

"No, I didn't say that, it just means that you feel that some things are very private. You'll find a way to deal with it, be that by _not_ kissing him when there are others around, or by learning to do just that. It's fine either way. How do you feel about your father knowing, though? He saw you too, didn't he?" 

"Dad… I'm not even sure I mind _that_ he saw, I _do_ mind exactly _what_ he saw… And him knowing… I know it makes Kakashi happier," He turned back to her now, resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. 

"That raises two questions for me, first… Kakashi, is he right?" 

The jounin's voice came out raspy, "Yes, I've wanted to tell them from the beginning, Shikamaru was anxious about it, though. So I just… Dealt with that. I guess… I wanted to talk to you about it too, but… Well, I already told you why I didn't, plus the fact that he said he needed some time before telling anyone…" 

"I see… To me it seems like you didn't really plan on telling anyone, though… But that's not really important right now. I'm more interested in what Shikaku _saw_ exactly…" 

Shikamaru looked up at his lover for a moment, again, she had no idea what they were discussing. Who was going to tell her, maybe? 

"Dad… I ran in here, and I forgot to close the door… He told me he was just going to close it, but then… Heard us. I… Kinda jumped him…" 

Kakashi gave a light smile, "He was basically dry humping me… Trying to get my clothes off at the same time. I'm not all too happy about Shikaku seeing that, either…" 

"I can only imagine… Sounds pretty bad, I suppose. What did he have to say about it?" 

But apparently the man hadn't talked about the details of what he'd witnessed with either of them, it was surprising, really.  
"Shikamaru, why _did_ you keep quiet about your relationship?" 

He stayed silent for a good long while, snuggling up to his boyfriend. Kakashi, in turn seemed just at curious as she was, which wasn't exactly a good sign as to the communication these two had… 

Eventually, Shikamaru grabbed another cigarette, prompting Kakashi to place the pack out of his reach again. But it seemed a bit halfheartedly, like he didn't actually care that much, and was just trying to put on a show for her. She'd ask him about it someday. 

After lighting his smoke, Shikamaru spoke up, softly, as if he wished he wouldn't have to say any of this out loud, "I was scared dad would freak… If he was gonna get mad, he'd get mad at Kakashi… And I thought mom was gonna cry because it would mean that I _really_ aren't interested in girls, and she wants grandkids, so… And I also kind of thought that, if we didn't tell anyone, and no-one knew what we were _actually_ up to… I could be here more often than if they _did_ know… Because I thought that my parents would never approve, and even if they didn't pull us apart… Which they probably would, then… I couldn't stay the night here anymore, and I just want to sleep next to him…"  
There were tears in his eyes, the uncertainty of the future was obviously getting to him. 

Kakashi pulled the boy into his arms as the sobs began, gently prying the burning cigarette out of his hands, taking one drag before tossing it in the ashtray.  
"Tsunade, I think you should leave now." 

She nodded, standing up, but there was one more thing she needed to say, lightly touching the crying boy's shoulder she spoke, ever so softly, "No-one is going to pull you apart, Shikamaru. I will personally guarantee that. And as far as limiting your contact goes, if anyone brings that up, I will do what I can to change their mind. I know I might seem like more of a hassle than I'm worth to you right now, but I really do believe that you should be able to love who-ever you love, without ridiculous restrictions. I'll go now, but please, remember what I said, okay?"

XOXOX

 _ **A/N**_ : The next chapter may take a while yet. Because A) it's incredibly long, and B) I really need my Beta's eyes on that. So… I hope this was enough for you to get your fix. I _may_ decide to upload a side note while we wait, but I'm not making any promises ;)


	100. Triple Digits Celebratory Special!

AUTHORS NOTE: This one is a little different, it's the Triple Digits Celebratory Special after all! I'm feeling just a tad emotional right now, I never thought I'd make it to a hundred chapters, but I did!  
Also… I deeply _, deeply_ apologize for the immense delay. I know this was a terrible long wait and I'm pretty sure that even this chapter can't live up to that, but… Well, there is nothing to say but 'I'm sorry'. And I really am. Truly sorry. 

_**Marina,**_ _I want to thank you for being an amazing Beta.. In just this short time, you've done so much for me that I cannot even begin to thank you enough! You calmly explain my stupid mistakes, stick with me through entire redraws of already Beta'd chapters, you perk me up when I'm down: You're absolutely mind bogglingly fantastic. I love you. Possibly a little too much. I dunno… Anyway, I'm sad to see Marina go as my Beta. But I'm much,_ _much_ _happier that she'll stick around for me irl. Well, from across god knows how many miles, but still. We owe a lot to this site, this story. It brought us together in a way that I didn't think possible anymore. From a reviewer, to a Beta, to a friend, to my girlfriend. Gosh, I can't even say how happy I am I met you. All of this, because we both decided one day that this anime was worth checking out – all because I started writing fanfiction for it. This site changed my life, touched it in so many ways. I still can't believe how lucky I am…  
_ (Also people, stick around for Marina's goodbye to you all in the A/N at the end of the chapter) 

_Another thank-you goes out to_ _ **Letsrandom**_ _. Being my friend, my source of inspiration, my comic relief when I need it – you're awesome, did you know that? I love the long chats about anything and everything, I love how you inspire me to write entire conversations and even chapters on the spot. If I ever get stuck on something, I know you'll be there. You're marvelous, really are!  
_

_I also want to thank_ _ **Cherry**_ _for the time she spent being my Beta, and the things I learned from her during that process. Unfortunately that time has passed, but I will be forever in your debt. You've helped me improve so much, thank you for your time and your attention! I will be forever grateful!_

 _And… Give a warm round of applause for my latest Beta (what, do I eat them or something? Hmmm That sounded dirty in my head xD)_ _ **Lukabayo!**_ _Welcome to the club! I hope you'll stick around! And thank you so much for being my Beta! Now people, Lukabayo's help will not really become visible until the next chapter (even though he fixed one sentence here and it's so gooooooood) but I hope you'll all enjoy his work ^,^  
_

**Thank you so very,** _ **very**_ **much, you've helped me to better myself and my stories: If only the world was filled with only people as awesome as you, all would be well ^.^  
**

Another _huge_ thanks goes out to everyone who's managed to stick with me up until – the very much delayed – chapter 100: The Triple Digits Celebratory Special. It has a subtitle too, but really… When I started this fic, I'd have _never_ imagined how _long_ this would turn out to be – and I'm not even _anywhere_ near _done_ yet! The amazing reviews, they keep me going. As do the favorites and the follows and the mails I get on occasion. You all probably don't even realize how much all of that means to me, and I don't even know how to put it into words. Which is kind of strange, because by now I think we should all agree that I _do_ have a way with words: I just use too many of them ;) 

One hundred chapters, and still _so_ many to go! I hope to see you all on the reviews page, I can't wait to hear/read your thoughts. I hope you'll stick with me through the next hundred chapters! Okay, I don't honestly know if I'll write another hundred of them. I may, but I'm not sure. I sure as hell aren't running out of inspiration any time soon! 

This chapter, we will just wander around for the day. Dropping in on the day of so many people, seeing their day-to-day life. There's a lot of tiny bits of information here, kudo's to everyone who'll manage to remember them all. After all, I'm putting all that in so I can have some fun with it later!  
 _ **So here is chapter 100; with all the love that I could pour into it for you guys!**_

_-xoxo-  
Nerissi_

XOXOX

 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 100: Triple Digits Celebratory Special/ Just Another Day In Konoha

XOXOX… **MORNING** …XOXOX

 _So Kakashi and Shikamaru won't tell us how long they've been together, huh?  
_ Tsunade chuckled. 

_I can't really blame them, I guess. I wonder how long Shikamaru'd been planning this though… It's like what happened with Dan… How long had I been chasing the guy before he finally realized?  
_ A fond smile appeared on the woman's face. 

_Of course, Dan and I didn't have this huge age gap, didn't have to fight against the 'norm'. Somehow it makes me wonder if that doesn't make the love even stronger though, having to fight against the world just so you can love the one that you love. Mostly they're fighting themselves, I know that. But it's only because the world thrusts such notions on impressionable little children… The idea that love is only between a man and a woman, that anything else is filthy and wrong. We're breaking our children before they're even old enough to think for themselves.  
_

_Dan hated that too. He was even more enraged about the way we raise the next generation than he was about the lack of medical shinobi to keep the current generation alive. We teach our children too much about pain and too little about love. The pain of hiding who you are, the pain of loss…. It never went away, Sweetie. I still love you to this very day… I will always love you. But it's alright now, I have a purpose again, Dan. I have a goal in my life and it's the same as when you were still here; To keep everyone safe. You wanted to be Hokage someday, my brother wanted to be Hokage someday, Naruto wants to be Hokage someday. And here I am, the one person that never wanted to become the Hokage. And I'm enjoying it, Dan. Mostly…  
_

She closed her eyes for a second, seeing her love before her as she spoke to him in her mind.  
 _I never thought there'd be so much paperwork! Did you? Probably, you wouldn't have complained about it like I do, either. This chair should've been yours. This office should've been yours. But you're no longer here, my love. And all that's left is for me to carry on your legacy. To help those who can't help themselves. To protect and serve, everyone. Everyone Dan, you would've been so much better at this._

 _Would you have noticed Kakashi's behavior sooner? Somehow I doubt that though. He's so good at hiding… Would you have had a problem with him, Sweetie? With Shikamaru and Iruka and Izumo? Would you have stuck to the views of the 'people'? Maybe… No, you wouldn't have. And if you did, I would've knocked some sense back into you. You know I would have.  
_

_But in a way, it might be better that I'm the one in this chair right now. I can help Kakashi, Dan. I know I can. He'll become the strong man that people already assume he is. He's on the path to becoming one of the best men the Leaf has ever seen. Can you see it too, Sweetie? Can you see how strong they all are? Not just as shinobi, but as people?  
_ A tear trickled down her face, but she didn't bother with it. 

_They're all so strong, my love. And they're all growing up… They make me feel old, sometimes, but it's alright. Shizune's turned into a wonderful woman, Dan. You can be proud of her, I know I am. I'm proud of Sakura too. You've never met her, but she's got the Will of Fire coursing through her veins. Oh you should see her, Dan! She's smart, and caring, and she gives everything her all. Whether it be her studies, or her training, or her relationship. She's growing up too, Sweetie.  
_

_Oh, how I wish you could've been here to see her grow. To see Shizune grow. Hopefully you'd tell me that I've grown as well. I think I have… I've learned to control my temper, Sweetie. I really have. And I've learned how to be patient, how to be a shield for those who need me to be one. Like Kakashi. He needs me to be his shield right now, but that won't last much longer, Dan. He's already learning to stand on his own two feet again, he's slowly starting to push me away again. His relationship with Shikamaru is certainly beneficial to that… But Dan… Do you really think it can work out between the two of them?  
_

She opened her eyes, blinking the tears away.  
 _I can only hope so, Sweetie. I can only hope. I've tried to be there for the both of them, I did my best. But only Kakashi's ever accepted any of my help. If you were here… Would you tell me I've done alright with him? Would you tell me I've looked after Shizune? Would you tell me I'm a good Hokage, Dan? Would you?  
_

_Will you wait for me, wherever you are, my love? I miss you so much, it feels like there's a hole in my chest, and no matter what I do, it never goes away again, Dan. Please… Wait for me on the other side. My work here is not yet done, but… I miss you.  
_

XOXOX

"Good morning, Shizune," Raidou smiled softly, trying not to let his nerves show. Next to him, his best friend did his best to contain his chuckles as he too, wished the woman a good morning. 

"Ah, good morning, guys," A bright smile got cut off by a hidden yawn, "Isn't it a little early for you two to be here? Your shift doesn't usually start until half past nine, right? Is there some special occasion I'm not aware of?" Shizune smiled a little cheekily, seeing Raidou shuffle his feet. 

"Uh, no, no special occasion or anything," His pitch was a little higher than usual, and he swallowed hard. Genma gave his best friend a sideways glance, deciding to cover for him yet _again_. 

"We just figured to get a head start on the paperwork for the citizen's complaints. We need to fill out the forms for the estimate on the renovation of the main playground, there's a tree that's supposedly about to fall over at the edge of the Inuzuka grounds, some squabble between the vendors at the market… I have _no_ idea how you handle all of it _and_ all the other stuff you do," He gave her a toothy grin, holding the senbon in place with his teeth.  
 _C'mon Rai, this is your cue to add to the list of compliments… Come on… Tsch, you're frozen again…  
_

Genma sighed quietly, watching the woman nod once more before continuing on her way to the Hokage's office.  
 _You got everything going for you, and still you mess up… Raidou, I can't keep doing this, you know?  
_

Turning to his friend, Raidou whispered a thank-you, looking defeated. 

"Just _talk_ to her Rai…" Genma teased the tip of the senbon with his tongue, casually leaning against the wall. 

"I know… I just… Can't. She's… I'm scared, Gen…" Slouching his body against the wall beside Genma, the older man muttered, "There's no way I'm good enough for her…" 

"Stop talking nonsense, Rai. I keep telling you; She'd be lucky to have you." 

"I know… I know you keep _saying_ that, but –" 

"No more _buts!_ " Frowning, he looked at him, "I'm getting a little tired of your buts, Rai. For heaven's sake, take a _chance_ man! At least you have someone to take a chance _with!_ " Annoyed, he pushed off the wall, began walking to the office that had been assigned to them so they'd have a place to work on the citizen's complaints. 

Quickly falling in step beside him, Raidou gave the brunette a questioning look, "It didn't work out then, I take it?" 

Genma didn't reply, pushing the senbon from side to side. 

"Gen? That guy, what was his name again?" 

"Tsch! He asked me the same thing. Only he was talking about _me._ His name's Shichiro. And I don't want to talk about it anymore." 

Raidou only nodded, following his best friend into the office.  
 _He deserves so much better…_

XOXOX

Kakashi smiled softly as his lover stirred in his arms, "Morning, Cuteness." 

"Hmmm…" The Nara's sleepy reply made him smile, but then the younger man suddenly shot up, looking at Kakashi with wide eyes, "Kakashi! He was actually here, wasn't he?!" 

Sighing, he rolled on his back, dropping an arm over his eyes, "Your father? Yes. Tsunade too. The jig's up, Cuteness. They know." 

The only reply he got was a very ungentle shove before Shikamaru left the bed, heading towards the shower. Kakashi sighed again, muttering to himself, "Jig's up alright. Now they know and you can't force me to lie to them anymore. But because I actually _said_ that, you probably hate me now…" Sighing, the silver-haired man pushed himself up, instinctively reaching for a cigarette as he continued to mutter his thoughts, "Not that it should actually _matter._ All you ever said you wanted was a little time. I gave you _plenty_ of time, Shikamaru. More than I could afford. But you don't see it that way, now do you?" 

Lighting his cigarette, Kakashi took a deep drag. Smoke circles drifted up to the ceiling as he tried to organize his thoughts. But he realized it was impossible. So much had happened yesterday, "First, he jumps me. Scares the fucking crap out of me every time he does that, and he _knows,_ he just doesn't seem to _care._ And then Shikaku suddenly appears, right fucking _there._ Still can't believe that the first thing Cuteness does is pull the freaking _mask_ up. Not like I wasn't half _naked_ or anything… But no, the _mask_ is apparently more important. Whatever. I'm just glad he actually _left_ when Shikaku told him too – Next thing you know the guy'd be blaming _me_ for Shikamaru's obstinacy… Wouldn't _that_ be just great…" He sighed again, feeling the corners of his mouth pull down a little, "But then he _doesn't_ hit me. And he…" A single eye drifted over to the wall between the bedroom and the bathroom. Silently, Kakashi vowed to _never_ disclose the other two rules Shikaku'd laid down.  
 _Cuteness would do everything in his power to break them, wouldn't he? Just to see how far he can go. How far he can actually push me. He'd do that, I know he would. Got something to prove, after all. Still not sure_ _ **what**_ _he thinks he's got to prove, but there's_ _ **something**_ _alright…_

XOXOX

Genma Shiranui calmly picked a kunai from his leg holster, a small piece of cherry wood already in his hand. He regarded the wood thoughtfully for a minute or so.  
 _She's a good woman, Rai. You chose well, my friend. I can only hope she'll make you happy. That you'll make her happy. You two fit together pretty nicely as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, you'll be alright. Not like me…  
_

He didn't hesitate, his moves sure as he pressed the kunai against the wood, carving off the edges before starting his actual work.  
 _You've always stuck by me, Rai, through thick and thin. I remember that blind date you set up – you were right, he was exactly my type. Apart from being such a prick that is… Still don't see what his problem was though, it's been years, but it still puzzles me… How am I the filthy one just because I date both guys and girls? Impure, he called me.  
_

The tokubetsu scoffed.  
 _Tsch! Ridiculous. And then you came to my rescue, pretending to be my boyfriend just so the guy would back off already. Oh my god, that was funny. Having your incredibly straight best friend press his lips against yours just to convince some loser of a none-existent relationship.  
_

Chuckling, he recalled his best friend's face right after their 'loving kiss' had ended.  
 _Not that you were disgusted, but… You're right though, it felt so weird… I'm lucky I guess, I never had a crush on my best friend like so many others… Rai's my best friend and nothing more. And I'm happy for him, but maybe, just maybe, I'm also a little jealous…I know you'll manage to summon the courage to ask her out and then you'll have the girl you've been after for almost a year now. In the meantime what do I have? Wood, kunai and you. That's basically all.  
_

_I remember back when I first told you. Couldn't have asked for a better friend, really couldn't have. All you said about it was 'That's cool, man.' Of course,_ _ **then**_ _you went and asked 'questions'…  
_

Genma chuckled lightly.  
 _Aah… Third degree's more like it… But still, rather_ _ **that**_ _than the awkwardness that would've ensued if you hadn't been so cool about it. This was awkward too, though… You even offered to be my first – what did he call it again? – Right, 'guy-kiss'. Good times… Safest feeling in the world, having a friend like that. A guy that'll stick with you through thick and thin. On the field and in life. You've always been there for me when I needed you, like I always try to be there for you when you need me. Could've done without the teasing though…  
_

Another chuckle shook the brunette.  
 _Kakashi really_ _ **did**_ _look amazing, even_ _ **you**_ _agreed. Of course, he still does… But he'd never… I_ _ **know**_ _that he'd never…  
_

Genma sighed softly.  
 _His birthday party, that's when I knew for sure. When he looked at those girls we'd rallied up, checking them over but too shy to actually go through with it. He was shaking when I put my arm around his shoulders, who'd have ever thought the guy would be so bashful? Looking back, it's almost impossible to believe. But he was a different guy back then, he's since gained some confidence, that's for sure. And to think_ _ **I'm**_ _the one that's actually responsible for the guy's dirty book addiction!_ _ **Hilarious**_ _! And he's never told_ _ **anyone**_ _!  
_

_Hmmm, I wonder why though… Could he be embarrassed about it? About why I gave it to him in the first place? Or maybe he just doesn't want to associate with me at all. He sure seems to keep his distance nowadays… I really wish he didn't, sometimes. I mean, sure, it's the guy I've been crushing on since I was in my early twenties, but… I know he's not into that, so… It shouldn't matter, right? And he's really just a nice guy to be around, he really is. Rumor has it he's been hanging out with Shikamaru a lot, lately. Two peas in a pot, apparently. Well, what would you expect? Two geniuses that could run circles around the rest of us with their eyes closed! Still… I still kind of like the guy…  
_

_Maybe that's why all my dates turn out the way they do. Not that I'm still pining over Kakashi or anything, but I just can't help comparing them a little. And let's face it, civilians are nowhere near as awesome as a well trained shinobi in the prime of his life. Girls… Girls are fine whether they're actually in the same line of work or not, but guys… Most of them are so_ _ **lazy**_ _!  
_

Chuckling a little, he carefully removed a tiny piece of wood from his little block.  
 _'Course, everyone else calls_ _ **me**_ _lazy too. But at least I don't just stand around going 'Oh hey look, a fire…' At least I try to do whatever I can to help when I see someone in trouble. Sometimes wish I didn't, because I get hurt way more that way but still… I'd rather regret helping someone out than regret turning my back, you know? Kakashi's like that too…  
_

Genma shook his head almost violently.  
 _Gotta stop thinking about that guy! Maybe I should just stick to dating girls, at least that way I can be sure I won't be disappointed when it turns out they don't posses dazzling silver hair…_

XOXOX

"Alright, settle _down_ you lot!" Iruka sighed quietly.  
 _I haven't slept all night, and of course the kids pick_ _ **today**_ _of all days to act like total brats…  
_

Leaning his ass against the desk, Iruka threw the classroom a stern look as he waited for the kids to obey his command. It took them longer than he actually had the patience for right now; almost five minutes had passed before everyone was quietly seated once more. Listing the troublemakers in his head, Iruka took a deep breath, "Well, how _nice_ of you to _finally_ listen to me. Emiko and Sonata, I'm sure I'll enjoy hearing all about whatever it was you two were _still_ discussing after I told you to settle down after school. Same goes for Hideki, Kohaku and Susumu, I'll see you after class as well. Now, since it seems that everyone's _finally_ ready for today's lesson, why don't you show me the hand signs for the clone jutsu. All together now," Watching the students struggle their way through one of the most basic jutsu of all, Iruka took a deep breath.  
 _I need to calm down a little. It's not their fault I haven't slept at all. I'll just have to try and get through this day on willpower. I'll go and see about that hunch of mine after work but until then…  
_ "Oh, come _on_! I _know_ you can do better than _that_ , Shouta! Now show me what happens when you're actually paying _attention_ boy!"

XOXOX

"Hello Dear," Shikaku smiled warmly, "I had the time, figured we could go out for lunch together?" 

Yoshino looked up from her book, "That sounds great. Let me finish the paragraph, okay?" As her husband nodded, she turned her attention back to the book for a little while, hearing him move to sit next to her on the couch of their living room. Just a minute or two later, Yoshino closed the book, laying it aside, "There. Where were you thinking of going?" 

He shrugged, "You choose. I don't really care, I'm happy to finally be able to have lunch with you again, it's been a while." 

"Yes…" She sighed softly, "From even before Shikamaru apparently decided to move out…" 

Shikaku swallowed, "He's not moving out, Dear. He's…" Hesitating for only a brief moment, he secretly clenched his unseen hand into a fist, trying to contain the rush of emotions, "Just helping his friend." 

"Riiight… Anyway, let's just find a nice restaurant, okay? How much time do you have?" 

Getting up, he followed his wife out, "I have a meeting at two, should probably be back about twenty minutes early to check the paperwork one last time. So we're not too tight on time." 

She smiled, nodding, "Good, I was starting to feel a little lonely…"

XOXOX…AFTERNOON…XOXOX 

"Babe…" He spoke quietly, swallowing at the sight of Kakashi.  
 _Chain smoking again, I see…  
_ "Babe listen, I'm _sorry_ okay? I'm sorry I was such an ass to you right now… I'm sorry that I forced you to keep me your dirty little secret," His smirk was sarcastic, but he tried to ban the tone out now, pull his face back to something that wouldn't hurt Kakashi even more, "I get it, okay? I get that you felt pushed in a corner. And I guess I've been responsible for your mood swings lately…" 

Kakashi swallowed, reaching for a new cigarette, his tone soft, "You are. I don't blame you, though… Please don't ever think I blame you for any of that, because I really don't. I just…" He let the hand holding the still unlit cigarette fall back to his lap, cocking his head ever so slightly as he studied his lover. The Nara was all but naked, only a towel wrapped loosely around his hips hid the view that only _he_ was allowed to enjoy, dark locks shining from the moisture, "I love you. And I just… I would have been fine with this, if I didn't feel like I was about to shatter into tiny little pieces all the time anyway. So don't ever think I blame _you_ , okay?" Watching the younger man's slight nod, Kakashi continued, voice a little stronger now, "But yes, I _am_ happy that that situation is over now. I don't want to hide that I love you. I don't want to hide at all anymore. I know that you're probably going to need a little more time for that, and so I'm _not_ asking you to go public –" 

Shikamaru's relieved sigh cut off any further words, and he walked over, grabbing the cigarette from his lover's fingers and lighting it for himself as he sat down on the edge of the bed, "So you're okay with only the people that know about it now?" 

"Not completely. We still have to tell your mother, Shikamaru. There's no worming our way out of that one, and quite frankly… I don't want to. I'm scared to death, but… She's your mother, she's _important,_ " Watching Shikamaru nod rather grudgingly, Kakashi swallowed before soldiering on, "And… Gai. Your best friends. I want to be able to love you the way you _deserve_ , Cuteness." 

He frowned, "Whaddaya mean, 'deserve'? I'm fine the way things are, Kakashi. Don't go making this about _me._ 'Cause it's not, this is about _you_ wanting to parade me around." 

"No… This is about me wanting you to be comfortable in your own skin, and me not wanting to hide all the time. This is about how neither of us are being fair to our best friends." 

Shikamaru frowned, taking a deep drag, "Listen… I… Okay, you know what? You're probably right. And… Gai-sensei… I just…" The young man sighed, a whiny tone seeping in his voice, "Listen, I'm just too fucking tired, okay?" 

"I know, Cuteness… I know. And I'm not saying 'let's round 'em all up and tell them right _now_ '. That wouldn't be fair. I know this is something we have to be careful about, and I know that you're too tired to properly think about any of it right now. You're working so much…" His hand came up to caress the side of his lover's face, and Kakashi smiled in relief when he felt Shikamaru leaning into the touch, "All I'm asking is this: I want _both_ of us to really think about who we want to tell, and who kind of _needs_ to know because it wouldn't be fair otherwise. And then, in a little while, we'll compare lists, okay? And for everyone that's on both lists, we try to work out how we're going to tell them. And all the others will be debatable. How does that sound?" 

Shikamaru thought about it for a while, thoughtfully finishing his cigarette before he finally replied, "Do we each get a veto?" 

Chuckling, he set the ashtray aside, "Just so we're clear: It's not your mother. Shikaku's veto'd _her_." 

"I know… I just think…" 

"Yeah…" Taking a deep breath, Kakashi nodded, "One veto each."  
 _Please don't let this come back to bite me in the ass…_

XOXOX

After they'd ordered their food, the two chatted some more, covering all sorts of topics ranging from work to thinking about buying a new couch. But by the time they were about halfway through their food, the conversation drifted back to the subject both had been trying to avoid: Their son. 

"I was thinking about making Shoyu Tamago for breakfast today, then thought better of it. But I only now realize Shikamaru's not around to complain about the boiled eggs…" A little lifeless, she pushed the food around on her plate, "He's never coming back to complain about eggs, now is he?" 

Shikaku sighed, pushing his own plate away as he'd suddenly lost all interest in his food, "He's coming back to us, Dear."  
 _I hope. After all, this whole relationship's most likely what kept him away in the first place. Probably thought we'd rip them apart. She_ _ **still**_ _might…  
_

"I doubt it, Shikaku. I seriously doubt it. And you're not telling me something," She frowned at him, "Why is it that everything surrounding my son is suddenly shrouded in mystery? Ever since that – that _man_ walked into his life, he – What aren't you _telling_ me, Shikaku?" 

Swallowing at the look of hurt on his wife's face, he still tried to get out of it, he'd said they needed to tell her themselves after all, "I… I'm not trying to withhold any information about him from you, Dear. But he's… Taking care of someone now, you understand that right? It means that we raised him _right_ , Yoshino. Even though it hurts that he's not home. And yes, I know _quite_ well what's going on with Kakashi, but we already agreed that I wouldn't talk about it. I gave the man my word, Dear…" 

Frowning again, she muttered under her breath, "Don't tell me that's _all_ that's going on…" 

"Yoshino…"  
 _I know I only got the proof yesterday, only told them to tell her yesterday, but… They better hurry up a little because I can't_ _ **do**_ _this!  
_

"He _loves_ him Shikaku…" 

"We both know it…"  
 _He loves him. The other one loves him back, Dear. No matter how you turn the sentence, it's true. Completely true, and I can't say I'm even upset about that anymore. But I must admit that I worry about how_ _ **you're**_ _going to react…_

 __"Does Kakashi?"

"Huh? Does he what?" 

"Does Kakashi know it too?" 

_Well,_ _ **that's**_ _a little too close for comfort…  
_ "The man's no fool." 

"Right. So. Where does he live?" 

"Excuse me?" He raised his eyebrows.  
 _How the hell am I going to talk my way out of_ _ **this**_ _one?  
_

"I'm going over there, Shikaku. I'm going to see my son," Tears shone in the woman's eyes, "I don't care about Kakashi's state anymore. I need to see my boy again… _Hold_ him again…" 

"Dear…" His mouth opened and closed, but not another sound came out. 

"I told you he came over, didn't I? He was so completely… _Broken_ , Shikaku! That man is _destroying_ him!" 

Shikaku frowned, this was anything but true and he had to get the notion out of her head before the couple came to talk to her, "No, that's not true. His _job_ is breaking him right now. He's running around trying to get the guys to cooperate with him. They don't respect him because he's so young, but he's got all the right skills. It's _certainly_ not Kakashi that's doing this to him. He's only staying there because the guy can't be left completely alone at the moment. He needs to know that there's someone that cares enough about him to want to be around him. If I'd go over there, or –" He hesitated for a brief moment, not wanting to let Tsunade's name slip for fear of raising more questions he couldn't answer, "Anyone else that might offer, the guy wouldn't be able to believe it. Even though I really _do_ care, Kakashi's not in a place where he can accept that right now. So Shikamaru goes back there every night, they have dinner together, they talk some and go off to bed. It's really just that simple."  
 _And I hope to god that explanation is going to satisfy you. I've said too much already, even though every word was probably true. No, don't kid yourself; you know there's something in between the talking and the 'off to bed' part. Well, probably_ _ **on**_ _the bed, but still… The way Shikamaru was all over him when I walked in… I can't_ _ **not**_ _believe there's a strong sexual aspect to this relationship as well. I just hope Kakashi hasn't pushed it too far. No, if I'm honest here, I got to hope_ _ **Shikamaru**_ _didn't push it too far…_

"Then tell those guys that they have to _listen_ to him! Don't hang your only son out to dry, Shikaku!" 

_Well… At least she no longer blames Kakashi for everything…  
_ Shikaku sighed, "I _can't_ , Dear. He's got to earn their trust, their _respect._ And he has to do that _himself_. I can't always be around to fix all of Shikamaru's troubles for him. And even if I _did_ step in now, they'd take it out on _him._ No, he just has to work through this himself. Honestly, they have a point, what grown man would like to take orders from a fifteen-year-old? No matter how talented he is, he's not old enough yet." 

Yoshino frowned, signaling the waiter to bring them the bill, "Then why is he in charge in the first place? Why did you put that on _his_ shoulders. Surely there are others that are equally qualified…" 

_And they're all working on other things because right now Tsunade and I have reorganized the entire village so it can run without Kakashi, and without Tsunade as well about half the time… Can't tell her that, because then all of the sudden everything's Kakashi's fault_ _ **again**_ _.  
_ "He needs to learn, Yoshino. And he _has_ the skills. The sooner he starts earning the respect and trust that he needs in order to be a leader amongst the shinobi here, the better. The chuunin exams are only starting up right now, if Shikamaru plays his cards right, he should have his affairs in order before everything starts to take off. He just has to pull through right now, and he's _doing_ that. Instead of complaining about it, why don't you try being proud of your son? Do you even realize what an _honor_ it is to be put in charge of the chuunin exams? Even the Kazekage has given him a free pass. Shikamaru is in _full_ control. And yet, he can't really mess up because there's more experienced people watching, ready to step in when it proves absolutely necessary. Genma, Raidou, Asuma and Shizune are all checking his work. As am I. We're just hoping we _won't_ be forced to step in, hoping he's going to pull this off. And he _will_. But only if you and I limit the extra pressure on the boy for the time being. He can _do_ this, Yoshino. We just have to believe in him." Panting a little after his outburst, Shikaku quickly paid the bill, offering his wife a hand to get up. 

She sighed, but took the extended hand, "Very well, Shikaku. I'll hold myself back a little longer. But if I don't see him within the next two weeks, I'm going to see Lady Tsunade _herself_ and ask that he is removed from active duty. He is my _son_ , Shikaku. And I _will_ protect him." 

_Yep, Kakashi's going to have his hands full with this one… First I tell him that Shikamaru will be avenged if he wrongs him, and now Yoshino's declaring an order of protection. I almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost. He should be able to handle it though.  
_ A small smile tugged at the corners of Shikaku's mouth as he led the love of his life out of the restaurant.  
 _Just don't take too long, boys. She's going to fry_ _ **both**_ _your asses if you take too long…_

XOXOX 

As he opened the door to his office in Hokage Tower, Shikamaru frowned. The stack of papers on his desk was _way_ too small.  
 _As usual… I gotta do everything myself… Damnit! I don't have the fucking_ _ **time**_ _for this today!  
_

Walking in, he quickly checked the papers, listing the ones he still needed in his head.  
 _More than half are still missing… Goddamnit, I don't want to_ _ **deal**_ _with this today!  
_

Sighing, the young Nara resolved himself to at least check the offices here to see if any of the guys were around. If they _were_ , he could remind them of their task.  
 _I'll stand beside their desk the entire time they're filling the forms out if need be… I've only got today left, meeting's the day after tomorrow at nine. Tomorrow_ _ **should**_ _be reserved for the final checks but the way this is going… Shit! I need to be with Kakashi right now, not running around chasing after guys who know damn well what their tasks are!  
_

Dropping the papers back on the desk, he walked out.  
 _I'm gonna be here till three at the latest. I've_ _ **had**_ _it with this!_

XOXOX

"Oh come on, pervy sage! You said we were on our way back to Konoha! Why do you have to go into _every_ bar you can find?!" Annoyed, the blue-eyed boy frowned. 

Leaning over slightly, the toad sage held up a finger while wearing the most innocent expression he could muster, "We _are_ on our way back, Naruto. But I've told you about the secret mission from the Hokage, didn't I? I have to gather as much information as I possibly can. Now you just go back to the hotel or train some more, okay? I'll probably be busy all night!" Waving happily, he walked off and into the umpteenth bar. 

Naruto pulled a face, muttering to himself, "The only information _you're_ interested in is how many girls you can gather around with your wild stories…" Pushing his hands in his pockets, the blonde started walking off, "I miss my friends… I miss Sakura and the others… I even miss Kakashi-sensei, at least he's less of a perv that _this_ guy…" Sighing, the boy turned into another street, his feet bringing him back to the hotel they'd stayed at for almost a week already, "He told that team from Konoha that we were on our way back, but at this rate we're _never_ getting home…" 

XOXOX

All day long, Iruka hadn't been able to get his worries from last night out of his head. And so, he decided he was going to go over there and check to see if he'd been right. If Kakashi was down again. Honestly, over the past couple of years he'd seen the guy break down several times but lately it seemed to be happening every other _week._  
 _I don't know… Maybe him coming out of the closet was a bad idea after all… Ever since he apparently talked to Shikamaru about that, my best friend hasn't been able get back on his feet. I know I told Shikamaru that I thought that this time he might be able to work through everything and come out stronger in the end, but… I'm not so sure anymore. Even the slightest thing can push him off balance now, he hasn't been out of the village in god knows how long and he's even in therapy! I just… I'm starting to think Kakashi may have made a mistake that day…  
_

Coming to the apartment complex where the silver-haired man resided, Iruka all but ran up the stairs, taking only a moment to catch his breath before knocking on the worn wood of Kakashi's front door. Taking a small step back, he wondered what he was actually hoping for here.  
 _That Kakashi opens the door? That he's totally fine after all? Or that Shikamaru opens and tells me that his boyfriend's down again? At least I'd finally get to give the annoying little brat a piece of my mind! No wait… That's not fair… I'm not even really mad at him. I'm just too worried to properly think right now. Something's wrong, and experience has taught me that if I think something's wrong, it's usually Kakashi. And nowadays that's definitely the safest bet!  
_

As the door slowly opened, the brunette held his breath, all but jumping forward to hug the guy when Kakashi opened, looking alright for once. 

"Ruka?" 

"Kashi! You're okay, right? Tell me you're okay, please tell me you're not just putting on a show right now…?" 

"I'm…" Reaching out, he pulled his best friend inside, immediately closing the door as he whispered in the younger man's ear, " _Not_ putting on a show, but not totally okay, either. But more importantly, what the _hell_ did I do to make you show up here _this_ worried?" 

Iruka sighed, whispering back, "I'm sorry. I just… Couldn't sleep last night and I didn't know what was wrong and usually…" Another small sigh, "Usually that means that you're in trouble again…" 

"Ah…" Still whispering, he threw an arm around the brunette's shoulder, "I kind of am. Shikamaru's in a _really_ foul mood right now – something about paperwork, he says. But really… He's pissed at me. Because…" The older man took a deep breath, "Shikaku knows." 

Frowning in confusion, Iruka looked up at him, "Knows what?"  
 _What is it_ _ **this**_ _time?  
_

Kakashi closed his eyes for a second, his tone returning to normal though still a little hushed, "About us. About Shikamaru and me. Shikaku walked in on us yesterday." 

Eyes wide, Iruka tried to get the mental image out of his mind by shaking his head a little, "Walked in on _what_ exactly?" 

"Like he said: _Us_ ," Leaning against the door to the kitchen, a glass of juice in his hand, Shikamaru pulled a face, "He didn't see much, but he saw enough. And then he called the woman in for reinforcements," A disgusted look settled on his face as the Nara continued, "And now all of the sudden we have to go tell _mommy_ all about how her little boy isn't so little anymore. And for _some_ reason, that apparently triggered something in the guy that's been keeping secrets for his entire fucking _life_ because now all of the sudden he wants me to go 'round _telling_ people. Tell 'em that I scooped up the prize of Konoha," The young man showed him a sarcastic smirk, "Because of course _that's_ gonna go over _real_ well…" Turning back into the kitchen, he slammed the door shut, causing Kakashi to shudder lightly, whimpering. 

"Old apartment, Cuteness… _Please_ stop threatening to tear the place down…" 

Iruka blinked, gently pushing the older man's arm off his shoulders, "How long has _this_ been going on for?" 

"Ever since he woke up…" Running a hand through his hair, Kakashi started for the bedroom, "It'll work itself out eventually, Ruka," Muttering, he added, " I _hope…"  
_

Sighing, Iruka followed his friend, sitting down on the desk chair as he was accustomed to do. He really only sat down on the bed when Kakashi needed someone to be close; To either take care of him or just to _be_ there. Iruka'd decided long ago that he would use the change in position as a means to keep track for himself. Bed – Kakashi's in trouble, chair – Kakashi's a human being and Iruka nothing more than his best friend, "So… What did Shikaku see then?" His tone gentle, Iruka wasn't even sure he _wanted_ to know. 

"Just… Really not _too_ much," Pulling a little face, Kakashi sighed, "Shikamaru came in here, and he… Well, he _jumped_ me," An embarrassed smile graced the silver-haired man's face, "So… He was laying atop me, and we were kissing, and… His hands were pretty much trying to get rid of my shirt, but that's about it…" Smiling a little awkwardly, Kakashi's fingers fiddled with the mask folded around his neck, "You know… Could've been a lot worse… If he'd come in a few minutes later…" His voice trailed off and the man swallowed as he looked away. 

"That would've probably made it a _lot_ worse, huh?" He offered his friend a reassuring smile, opening his mouth to say more, but finding himself interrupted by the Nara. 

"He knows there's more to it now, anyway…" Sighing, he dropped himself on the bed, looking Iruka in the eyes as he continued, "I'm just… A little shaken right now. I know I come off as this big jerk, but… Seriously, Iruka-sensei… How the hell am I _ever_ going to explain this to mom? She's…" The young man swallowed thickly, obviously biting back tears, "You _know_ how she is!" 

"I know," Another reassuring smile drifted over to the bed, "But you know, Shikamaru… I'm sure that in the end, all she really wants is for you to be happy. And you _are_ , most of the time anyway. Right now," He wiggled his head a little, a small but mischievous smile playing around his lips, "Not so much. But look at it this way: You want people to stop seeing you as a kid, right? Lying to your parents is something children do. And it's not like you're trying to convince her you didn't eat all the cookies from the cookie jar. You're telling her you're in love. Which is, honestly, a _good_ thing. Parents _want_ to hear that their kid's in love." 

Kakashi, already looking like he didn't plan on moving anytime soon, positively froze up at his friend's words. Iruka tried to ignore that. He knew very well what'd caused it this time around; But there was simply no helping the fact that neither of them had parents _left_ to tell about their love life.  
 _Which is probably a good thing for me right now because mom would skin me alive for having sex with someone before marrying them. And I don't even love Izumo. Oh boy… She'd have a heart attack, now wouldn't she? And dad? I don't even want to think about what dad would do… Force me to move back in so he could keep an eye on me, probably…_

"Yeah… I guess…" Shikamaru seemed to have calmed down considerably, offering to get the two of them some tea. As Iruka nodded, Kakashi seemed to be pulled out of his thoughts as well. 

"Tea? Ah, yes please," Smiling softly, he watched his lover get up in order to get the promised drinks.  
 _Parents huh, Ruka? Should've known that_ _ **you'd**_ _get through to him… Parents… Neither of us really knows what that feels like anymore. But we have each other, and that's what counts I suppose. Iruka understands things like parents, though. I don't. Wait…_

XOXOX… **NIGHT** …XOXOX

The second the Nara left the room, Kakashi shot up. Grabbing a notebook and a pencil, he quickly scribbled something down before handing the note to Iruka, whispering in the younger man's ear, "This sounds okay, right? I'm not agreeing to something stupid here, right? It's a fair deal?" 

As he sat back down, there was panic in the jounin's eye, the twitching of the hand reaching for a cigarette further testament to that. Frowning a little, Iruka looked down at the piece of paper in his hand: 

' _Shikaku's rules'  
-We gotta tell Yoshino ourselves  
-No sex (probably no other stuff either) on Nara grounds  
-If I ever intentionally hurt Cuteness, Shikaku's coming for me and I'll be dead, probably…  
_

Amused, Iruka softly shook his head, trying to suppress a chuckle. He spoke quickly but quietly, understanding why his friend didn't want Shikamaru to hear those rules, "I think it's reasonable. He _is_ his father, after all. I'd be a little protective too. Hell, I _am._ I'm protective over _all_ my students. And I get that he doesn't want to, eh… _Witness_ any of the more… _Personal_ interactions. Again, it's his _son._ It's a little gross, when you think about it like that. Of course he doesn't want to see it. But… The last one, that's only if it's _intentional,_ right?" Watching the other man nod, Iruka smiled softly, "He's already calculated in that people can be stupid sometimes. And honestly, I think it's only fair. Shikaku can't really rely on Shikamaru being able to completely take care of himself yet, I wouldn't be able to either. And besides," The sensei's voice turned a little strict, "If you hurt him _intentionally_ , you'll have one more person to worry about. Now I may not be able to _do_ much, but I'd _certainly_ be disappointed, Kakashi. If things somehow don't work out in the end, there's no reason to hurt him just because of _that._ " 

"I know. I wouldn't, Ruka…" 

Smiling, he nodded before stuffing the little note in his pocket; Shikamaru was coming back.

XOXOX

She smiled as the front door opened and closed again. There was some rustling in the hallway; Shoes and flack vest being shed and properly put away. She almost missed the sound of sandals being tossed to the side, the flack vest being thrown on the floor. But Yoshino decided not to let her son's absence spoil the _rest_ of the day as well – lunch had been bad enough. 

Walking into the living room, he found his wife engrossed in the same book she'd been reading when he walked in earlier that day, Shikaku couldn't help but smile, "That book any good?" 

"Hmmm…" Closing the book, she held a finger in between the pages to remember where she'd stopped reading. Giving her husband a warm smile, Yoshino nodded, "Absolutely. I borrowed it from a friend of mine, Akemi. Remember her? Her daughter Emiko's in Iruka's class right now. Such a cute little girl," The woman's smile widened a little, "Adorable, really. Anyway, the book's about this guy, Takafumi. He's a businessman, and the adopted heir to a huge corporation. Only his stepfather keeps hinting that he should marry his daughter and he doesn't want to because he's in love with someone else." 

Shikaku sighed quietly.  
 _Some trashy novel about the umpteenth love-triangle? I never realized she_ _ **liked**_ _books like that! We used to make fun of them together when we were younger… On the other hand, she's mostly alone nowadays, isn't she? And I'm not exactly the most romantic guy to ever walk the earth…  
_

"Shikaku! Are you even _listening_?" 

"I'm sorry, Dear. I'm sure it's very nice… Did you start dinner yet? If not, I'd like to cook tonight…" 

"That would be great, Cuckoo," Yoshino grinned a little mischievously, happy she'd gotten her husband's attention with the old nickname. 

Staring at her, his words came slow, "Didn't you stop calling me that almost fifteen years ago…?" 

"I did, right around the time Shikamaru was born. I didn't want him picking it up, after all. But I wasn't _done_ yet, Shikaku. I just needed to get your attention. See this guy, Takafumi, he's not in love with a _woman_ , Cuckoo. He's in love with his best friend. And said best friend loves him _back._ " 

Frowning a little, he sat down next to her, "Your point…?" 

"Oh, I'm not talking about _those_ two," She looked thoughtful for a moment, "Or maybe I _am_. But only in the broader sense. I just… I don't know, I wanted to see Shikamaru's point of view, I guess. This book," She tapped the cover, "Is an autobiography, only he's actually a really good writer so I feel like he's kind of missed his calling – anyway, he's really telling this story from his own point of view, you know? And I'm only now realizing that there's so much to this that I missed. Like how we all raise our children to believe there's only one type of partner that's acceptable, and how we're basically telling them that we won't love them anymore if they come home with the wrong one." 

Rubbing his temples, he shot her a pained look, "Let me see that…" Extending his hand, Shikaku waited for Yoshino to place the marker in the book before handing it over. After reading the cover, the man randomly opened the book somewhere and started reading. Within seconds, a hot blush covered his cheeks and he lay the book on the coffee table in an almost angry gesture, "Yoshino! You never said _anything_ about graphic content!" Running a hand through his hair, he pulled out the band in his ponytail, muttering, "I _so_ did _not_ want to know details like _that_ …" 

"Oh _please_ ," Laughing, she picked the book back up, "It's not like Shikamaru's doing anything like that any time soon." 

Blinking, Shikaku tried to get the mental image out of his head, but it would most likely never go away again. Kakashi and Shikamaru became the two men acting out that scene and there was absolutely _nothing_ the man could do about that. Abruptly getting up, he asked his wife if there was anything in particular she wanted for dinner. Maybe if he could come up with a difficult enough recipe, these thoughts could be pushed to the side again…

XOXOX

After the tea, Iruka had excused himself. Kakashi wasn't breaking down, and he actually had something else planned for tonight. Even the copy ninja's dirty wink was worth it. As he walked back to his apartment, Iruka Umino consciously put all thoughts about his silver-haired friend and his under aged lover out of his head: They'd figure it out. And Iruka had other things to think about right now. Suppressing a yawn, he opened the door to his apartment.  
 _Damn, I'm way too tired… Hope that's not going to mess anything up…  
_

"Cho – _heh,_ Iruka!" Izumo was about halfway up the stairs as the sensei moved to step inside, a happy smile on the older man's face. Smiling back, Iruka waited for Izumo to catch up with him. 

"You're early," Stepping inside, he quickly shed his sandals and hung his flack vest on the hook before moving into his room. Izumo's voice followed him in, as the older man apparently had some trouble with his own sandals, causing a slight delay. Iruka smiled, Izumo always seemed to have trouble getting clothes to come off, "Do you mind? I mean, I could come back later if that's –" 

"I don't mind, Sugar. I was just a little surprised is all. You said you were probably going to run a little late, didn't you?" Shrugging, he reached inside his fridge, "Want something to drink?" 

"Yeah," Moving to stand behind the younger man, Izumo wrapped his arms around the sensei, "Got any more of that pineapple juice you had last time?" 

Chuckling, he pulled the bottle out of the fridge, "Last time was _yesterday_ , you know… Before your shift?" Pouring the juice, Iruka threw an amused look over his shoulder, "Don't tell me I'm _that_ forgettable…" 

"No! Of course not!" Hastily trying to correct his mistake, he wrapped his arms a little tighter around Iruka, nuzzling the younger man's neck, "You're completely _un_ forgettable…" 

"Good to know. But I'm also kinda thirsty…?" 

"Ah, right…" Smiling a little self-consciously, Izumo moved back, sitting down at the low table. He was soon joined by Iruka, and as they drank their juice, the two chatted a little.  
 _Amazing I found a friend like him… Not only do we get along, we fuck too. And he's amazing. Totally amazing…_

XOXOX 

"I must admit I am a little surprised by your sudden invitation to go out for dinner, Sakura. Did you not say you had too much work to do?" 

She shot him an apologetic smile, picking up the menu at their favorite restaurant. She didn't really need the menu anymore, knowing what she wanted to order without having to look, but Sakura felt a little guilty right now and wanted something to help her hide her face for a few moments, "I'm still really busy, Shino. But… We were _supposed_ to spend today together, right? And my studies got in the way and I feel really bad about that so I thought we could at least have dinner together, you know?" 

He smiled back at her, grabbing a menu himself, "I am more than happy to spend this time with you, Sakura. Thank you for finding a way to be together for a little while regardless of your deadline." 

Putting the menu back down, she leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment, intertwining her fingers with his, "I don't want to always be studying, Shino. I mean, it's important to me, and I _do_ like learning all this new stuff, but… I want to be with you too…" 

He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, "So what did you learn today?" 

"Hmm… I… You know what?" Shooting up, she looked her boyfriend in the eyes. Or, in the _sunglasses_ at least, "I don't really want to talk about it right now. It's all so confusing and difficult and I'm done for the day anyway. What did _you_ do today?" 

A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, if Sakura didn't even want to _talk_ about her studies anymore, she was _really_ fed up with it, "I spend most of the day training with my father. He is happy with my progress so far. We trained the entire morning, and a few more hours after lunch… This is when I got your message about meeting you for dinner, so I excused myself." 

"Huh? Why?" Blinking at him, Sakura all but stuttered her order to the – thankfully patient – waiter. Shino too, gave his order before turning back to his girlfriend. 

"I wanted to go shopping. I know that your studies are taking up more time than you would like at times and I wanted to…" He smiled at her briefly, " _Encourage_ you a little. While at the same time wanting to distract you some, because I truly _do_ understand how hard your medical training can be at times. And while I have the utmost confidence in your abilities, I also happen to think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Forgive me for wanting to show off my stunning girlfriend once more," His smile widened a little as Sakura's mouth formed a perfect little 'O'. 

"Shino… You're making me blush…" She pushed her face against his shoulder for a moment, earning the couple a warm look from the returning waiter. But neither of them noticed. After the food had been placed before them and the waiter had left, Shino softly pushed his girlfriend up again, lightly chuckling. 

"Sakura, would you like to eat first or –" 

"No!" Quickly shaking her head, he looked at him with those huge green eyes that he loved so much, "I'd _love_ to see what you got me, Shino. That is… If that's okay with you… I don't want to sound like some stupid, materialistic girl, but… You always bring the most thoughtful gifts and… Well, I'm curious," She smiled a little self-consciously. 

"Very well," Smiling back, he reached into the bag he'd brought with him, handing his girlfriend a small silver-colored box, tied with a red ribbon. 

"Oh… This is _already_ beautiful!" Looking up, Sakura gave him a quick peck on the cheek before returning to her present, pulling the ribbon off in one, fluid motion. As she did so, her eyes drifted over to the little label on the box, and Sakura swallowed, whispering, "But… This is one of the most expensive jewelry stores in town…" 

Another chuckle from her boyfriend, and Shino threw an arm around her, "Would you please stop looking at the unimportant things, Sakura? I only wanted to find a gift that would suit you. By now you should know that the price is of no importance to me. I only wish to find something that would please you." 

Nodding silently, she slowly opened the box, gasping as the contents became clear. There, on a bed of silver silk, lay a beautifully made hairpin. The base was silver, but the leaf symbol on top was set in little flickering stones, the exact shade of jade as her eyes which she saw in the mirror each and every day. "Oh, Shino…" She breathed, "It's so beautiful…" 

"Not nearly as beautiful as you. And, _just_ like you, it is not mere beauty that attracted me to this piece. May I?" Extending his hand, he patiently waited for Sakura to lift the hair pin out of the box, admiring it for a few more seconds before handing it over. Smiling, he showed her a secret mechanism, hidden away in the hinge of the pin, "If you push this little button, like _so_ ," He demonstrated, catching a small hilt between his thumb and index finger, "You can take out the mini kunai that is hidden inside. This way, you will always have a weapon should you need it," As he pushed the little tool back inside, there was a soft 'click'. After, he handed her back the hair pin. 

"That's amazing!" Blinking against the tears that threatened to overwhelm her, Sakura pulled her boyfriend into a warm hug, burying her face into the crook of his neck, "I'm going to have to learn how to work with mini kunai though, apparently it's a lot different from regular weaponry…" 

"I believe your sensei has mastered them, as did Genma. So I suppose you could ask either for a demonstration. Most likely Raidou knows his way around them as well." 

"Yeah," She pulled back, wiping at her cheeks as she studied the pin and the hidden mechanism, "I'll remember that…"

XOXOX

"Ugh! What do you _want,_ Rai?" Genma's tone was a little annoyed. But really, he couldn't blame himself, his best friend was dragging him out of their office by the arm without even telling him _why_. 

"You'll see, Gen," He ignored any further protests, pulling his friend along. Once out on the street, Genma pulled loose though, frowning. 

"Okay, you're going to tell me what the hell you're thinking _right_ now or I'm marching back in there, find Shizune and tell her you've had the hots for her for over a year." 

Eyes widened at the threat, and Raidou quickly came to the conclusion that just about _anything_ would be better, "Gen… Please don't wreck my chances like that! I'll explain, okay?" 

The younger man sighed quietly.  
 _Rai… If anything, it would_ _ **improve**_ _your chances, but whatever…  
_

"I just wanted to cheer you up a little, okay? So I thought I'd take you out for drinks," Raising his hands in a calming gesture he quickly continued before his friend had time to interject, "I know you're not really one to go for drinks, but staying home night after night isn't doing you any good either, you know…" 

Sighing, the brunette rested his body against the nearest wall, "Rai, it's not like I never get out…" 

"You only _go_ out. Dates. It's not the same as going for a drink with a friend, Gen." 

"Maybe…" Looking away, he pushed the senbon from left to right, "Promise me one thing, though. No talk about that girl, okay? If it's just friends, then I want it to be _just_ friends. I can't really deal with all the romance shit right now…" 

Raidou readily agreed, and within moments, the two friends were on their way to the only bar that Genma actually _liked_ around these parts: They never made a fuss about ordering coffee or other non-alcoholic drinks, something the brunette had the utmost respect for.

XOXOX

As Izumo rolled off of him, Iruka winced slightly.  
 _Seriously, I thought it would_ _ **stop**_ _hurting after a little while? It still feels amazing, and the pain's not as bad as it was in the beginning, but_ _ **seriously**_ _! I dunno… Maybe we're doing something wrong here after all… I could ask Kakashi about it…? No, no thank you. I really don't feel like putting myself through a conversation like that_ _ **again**_ _…  
_

Looking over to his right, he found Izumo's questioning gaze resting upon him, "Something wrong?" 

"I was just about to ask _you_ …" Looking a little lost, Izumo nervously licked his lips. 

_And there he goes_ _ **again**_ _… Every time I'm not grinning from ear to ear Izumo gets all anxious about it…  
_ Violently suppressing a sigh, Iruka conjured up his warmest smile, "I'm just a little tired Sugar, that's all. I didn't really get much sleep last night because I kept worrying about something that, apparently, didn't even _deserve_ me worrying about it…" 

"Oh…" Unsure what else to say, he opened and closed his mouth a couple times before, "You want me to leave you alone so you can sleep?" 

Suppressing yet another sigh, Iruka fought an inner battle to also keep the wry smile off his face.  
 _Face it Iruka, he doesn't_ _ **want**_ _to stay, so he's never_ _ **going**_ _to stay. It's not like he's your boyfriend or anything anyway. Weren't_ _ **you**_ _the one pointing that out after the first time you two did this?  
_ "I don't think I'd be able to sleep yet, Sugar," But his words were almost immediately proven to be false when a big yawn forced itself on Iruka. Slumping a little, he conceded, "Or maybe I can…" 

"It's fine, Choco. I'll just let you sleep, okay?" Leaning over, he gave the younger man a soft kiss on the lips, "Goodnight, Iruka." 

"Yeah… Goodnight…" A little disappointed, he watched as Izumo quickly got dressed, but Iruka'd fallen asleep before the other man had even left the apartment. 

Turning for one last goodbye, Izumo smiled softly.  
 _He's asleep already… Choco looks so cute like this, so… Peaceful. Happy too.  
_

Gently pulling the blanket over the younger man, he couldn't resist placing one last, lingering kiss on soft lips.  
 _Sweet dreams, Choco.  
_

As he pulled his shoes back on, Izumo couldn't help but wonder what had the younger man smiling in his sleep.  
 _Maybe he's dreaming 'bout me? 'Bout what we just did? I for my part think that it's definitely something worth dreaming off… Which is why I do. And Choco seems to really like it too, huh? Sure, if he didn't, he wouldn't keep doing it, right? Right. So… Maybe… This can go on? Maybe…? Nah.  
_

Silently, he closed the door behind him.  
 _It´s not like I´m falling for him. Nah, I´m not falling for him. I´m_ _ **so**_ _not falling for him. Oh god… I fell for him…_

XOXOX

"Oh this is great, Cuckoo!" Yoshino happily clapped her hands when she saw the meal he'd prepared for the two of them. Smiling a little sheepishly, Shikaku rubbed the back of his head. 

"I think I may have gone a little overboard again, though…" 

"Oh, shush!" Playfully slapping his arm, she gave her husband a bright smile, "Just means leftovers. And _that_ means I don't have to cook tomorrow. And you can take some for lunch too. And Shikamaru will probably –" Blinking, she pulled away from him, muttering, "Never mind…"  
 _He's_ _ **not**_ _going to slip out of bed in the middle of the night and empty out the fridge… Not here at least. Is Kakashi feeding him the right things though? Is my boy healthy? Getting his vegetables and his vitamins? Or are those guys living on junk food and snacks? Single guys always seem to live on takeout and junk food and other unhealthy things. But Shikamaru is still a growing boy! He needs good food, not that junk! Maybe I should go over after all… Just to see if he's eating right… I could bring over a healthy meal –single guys appreciate home cooked meals, right? It would just be a nice gesture, nothing wrong with being nice… Maybe if I can get him to let me put it in his fridge myself, I can check out the kitchen a little, make sure there's good stuff there. On the other hand… I don't think I really want to look in that fridge. He's single right? So there's bound to be food that's been there so long it's grown legs and feet and is about ready to run away when I open the door… And beer. Lots of beer, probably… Oh, how could I_ _ **ever**_ _let my little boy stay there? What if that guy gives him alcohol? What if he's given him_ _ **drugs**_ _?! Oh no, no, no! I can't – I have to go over! My precious little boy…  
_

"Dear?" Sighing, Shikaku wrapped his arm around his wife, pulling her close against his own body, "You're worried about whether or not Shikamaru's eating right, aren't you?" Seeing her nod with teary eyes, another small sigh escaped the man, "He is. I don't exactly know what they eat every day, but Kakashi's got this thing about healthy food. He seriously won't eat on a mission if it's only junk food or something. He doesn't do sugar, he doesn't do fried things," He chuckled lightly, "And the guy's a neat freak as well. _Trust_ me, Shikamaru's probably eating better than ever. At least over here he could grab a snack if he wanted to – Kakashi doesn't have stuff like that laying around. I think his idea of a 'snack' is probably an apple or something…" 

Letting out a quaky breath, she pulled away from him. Moving over to the table to sit down, Yoshino smiled at her husband, "So… Going over with a home cooked meal isn't going to help me, is it?" 

A slight frown appeared on Shikaku's face as he too, sat down, "Dear… No offense, but everyone I've ever heard about it says that Kakashi's an amazing cook. And I'm not saying that _you're_ not amazing also, but… I don't think he'd appreciate it very much, no. Sorry," He shot her an apologetic smile, picking up his chopsticks. 

"Right… You'll keep an eye on him for the both of us, won't you?" 

"I promise."

XOXOX

"Hey Tetsu," Nervously licking his lips, Izumo wiggled on the balls of his feet, "Wanna go grab a drink?" 

"Wassup?" He stepped back, inviting his friend into his apartment, "You're upset 'bout somethin' aren't you…?" 

The brunette looked away from him a little shyly, "Don't matter, Tetsu. Just… Can we please just go get shitfaced tonight?" 

"Sure… Lemme go grab my wallet, 'kay?" 

"Kay," Watching his best friend retreat into his bedroom, Izumo sighed quietly.  
 _I'm gonna need a whole lot of alcohol to forget about this… Maybe I oughta kick it off with some whiskey… Don't like the taste at all, but at least it'll get me smashed faster than beer, right?_

"I'm ready when you are, buddy," Giving his friend a questioning look, Kotetsu decided not to ask any more now.  
 _Maybe he'll talk by the time he's had a few, 'cause_ _ **something's**_ _up alright…  
_

"Perfect, let's go!" Hurrying out of Kotetsu's apartment, Izumo headed straight for the nearest bar. 

"Aw, c'mon… Not _that_ one, Iz…" 

"It's close, everything else is too far right now. I need a _drink,_ Tetsu!" Looking back at his friend almost angrily, Izumo tried his best to suppress any and all thoughts about Iruka Umino – it wasn't working out so well.  
 _I can't be in love with him, I'm in love with Tetsu! I can't fall for another unavailable guy, I refuse to believe that's what happening right now! No. I just… I like how he looks naked, because I like naked men, right? So… I'm not falling for him. I don't care that he's funny or sexy or smart or kind or gentle or warm or – I'm_ _ **not**_ _falling for Iruka! End of story!  
_

Just as he pushed the door of the bar open, a familiar voice called out to the two, immediately promising a distraction for the night, "Izumo! Kotetsu! Hey, wait up!" 

Spreading his arms wide, Kotetsu bellowed, "Iwashi!" 

Quickening his pace a little, the other man soon caught up to them, "What are you guys up to?" 

"Drinkin'," Izumo replied curtly, pushing the door to the bar open at last, "C'mon, first round's on me." 

"Well, I'm never one to turn down a free drink," Quickly following them inside, Iwashi smirked. 

"No, you're payin'. You can pay me back by keeping me interested…" Izumo randomly chose a table, dropping his flack vest on one of the chairs before asking his friends what they wanted to drink. 

XOXOX

"Say Gen… I'm starting to think this might've been a bad idea after all…" Frowning a little, Raidou nodded to the three men that had just entered the bar, choosing the table next to their booth. 

" _Just_ what I needed," The brunette muttered, sinking down in the pillows a little further, "Think they'll just let us be?" 

"Think so… Izumo seems to have something on his mind, probably dragged the other two here to unwind a little," Shrugging, the older man brought his drink to his lips, "Who knows, maybe he's finally grown a conscience and he's invited them here to tell them he wants to try his hand at being a respectable shinobi for once," Mockingly imitating the younger man's voice he added, "Really buddies o' mine, we oughta try and show our elders some respect and be a suitable role model for the younger generation. And I vote we start by never gossiping again, and the next thing we'll do is go ask the sensei at the academy to teach us proper language." 

Chuckling, Genma softly shook his head, "Keep dreaming, my man…" 

"Ah well, I can hope, right?" 

XOXOX

"I am very sorry that I could not make an earlier dinner, Anko," Gai looked a little anxious as he sat down on the other side of the small table. But the woman only smiled at him. 

"Stop apologizing, Maito. You've been apologizing for this so-called 'late dinner' ever since I brought up the _idea_ of dinner yesterday. If I had a problem with it, I would've taken you up on your lunch proposal," She frowned a little, "Oh wait… I couldn't. Whatever. It's fine," Smiling up at him, she added, "I'm getting hungry though…" Quickly picking up the menu, her eyes scanned the options. 

He followed her example, even though focusing on the text before him proved to be difficult. Anko was right there, and she looked absolutely _perfect_. And she was _right there._ If he only stretched out his arm, he would be able to touch her, caress her cheek. He really wanted to do that, though Gai was a little unsure if she'd actually _let_ him. And, if she did, what would happen next? Another kiss? A hug? Something else? What else? Blindly staring at the menu before him, his mind wondered about these things. But as something softly brushed passed his foot, Gai was startled out of his thoughts. Though his first instinct _should_ be to look under the table, for some reason his eyes shot _up_. Catching Anko's amused look. Again, something brushed passed his foot, curling around his ankle for a moment before slowly pulling back again. Blinking, he suddenly realized.  
 _She is playing footsie with me…_

XOXOX

" _Anko and Gai?!_ That's _disgusting!_ " Kotetsu hollered through the bar, laughing loudly at his friend's wild claims, "No _way_ that's true, Iwashi!" 

"Bet you next month's pay check it is!" Raising his glass to point it at Kotetsu, Iwashi nodded for extra emphasis, "Seriously buddy. They're bangin' – no two ways about it."

"Hey," Kotetsu suddenly leaned over the table, all but whispering, "Know who else is bangin'?" 

Iwashi squeezed one eye shut, regarding the man before him suspiciously, "This isn't another one of your 'Hatake theories' is it? Cuz they _suck_ man." 

"Sucking," The spiky-haired man snickered, "Close enough, right buddy?" Nudging his best friend in the ribs, Kotetsu neglected to wait for a reply, "See, you know 'bout Iz's, eh… _Situation_ , right?" 

Startled, the brunette slammed a hand on the table, " _Tetsu!_ No you don't!" 

"Aw, c'mon buddy… Just a bit of harmless fun," Smiling wide, he leaned even further over the table. 

Iwashi, smelling a good piece of gossip in the air, leaned in as well, "Tell me," Eyes glistening with excitement, he had a dirty grin on his face. 

"Kay, here goes. So, Iz, right? And… _Umino_." Shooting his best friend an amused look, Kotetsu was a little surprised to see the shock on Izumo's face. The man was quickly paling, though his cheeks were bright red. The hand holding his beer clenching the can so tight it crumpled under the pressure, beer running over his hand. 

"Wait," Leaning back, Iwashi's grin had turned almost evil, "Umino the _schoolteacher?!_ That perfect little _Umino?!_ " 

XOXOX

"Fuck it," Muttering in his coffee, Genma shot his best friend an annoyed look, "Guess now we know what apparently got the guy distracted…" 

"And before lunch tomorrow, half the village will know it too…" Raidou sighed, "Guy doesn't deserve that… Actually, Izumo doesn't seem so happy about all this either," He added thoughtfully, risking a glance over at the table where the three younger men sat. 

"Course not, it's _his_ love life out on the street as well…" He teased the tip of the senbon in his mouth, feeling more than a little awkward at the amount of gossip he'd already inadvertently overheard.  
 _Just what I needed… Two guys hitting it off, I came here to_ _ **forget**_ _about guys for a bit, you morons! And Umino… He's a good guy, from what I hear. It's almost a shame he's gotten tangled up with that lot…  
_

"No…" Raidou sounded a little distracted, most of his attention currently focused on eavesdropping. Genma pulled a face, opening his mouth to tell his best friend to keep his nose out of other people's business when the older man suddenly continued, "Not _love_ apparently. More like… A fuck buddy thing? What the hell…?" 

"What's so horribly wrong about _that_?" Feeling slightly annoyed with both his best friend's current actions and – oddly enough – the sensei's apparent taste in men, Genma frowned. 

"Just doesn't _seem_ like the guy, you know?" 

"No… It's just the kind of thing Izumo'd do. Now shut up about it already…" 

Raidou pulled a face, tipping back his last sip of shochu, before mumbling, "I was actually talking about _Umino_ …" 

"None of our business, Rai." 

"Yeah… You're right. You want a refill?" 

XOXOX

"I thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight," Gai hesitated for only a second before adding, "Darling." 

Anko blinked, looking up at the man that had thrown his arm around her the second they'd left the restaurant. She really loved the arm and his casual yet warm demeanor – she just didn't expect him to use a _pet name_ , "Yeah… Eh, me too," Quickly forcing herself to recover from the shock of what she'd just heard rolling of Maito's tongue, Anko smiled brightly. _  
_

Seemingly not noticing her slight faltering, Gai winked at her, "What would you say to a short walk?" 

"I'd like that _very_ much," Pushing her body a little tighter against his, Anko smiled even wider.  
 _Who would've ever guessed that_ _ **this**_ _guy, out of all the guys,_ _ **this**_ _guy would make me feel so safe? So… Loved. I don't know, maybe I'm just sappy. Probably am. Why would_ _ **I**_ _need anyone to keep me safe? I kick ass – sure, I may not be jounin like him, but I'm badass, right? Yeah… I don't need him to make me feel safe. But I like it…  
_ "So… Where are we going, Cutie?" 

For only a second, Gai froze.  
 _Did she just… 'Cutie'? I know people refer to_ _ **Iruka**_ _as being cute, and he_ _ **is.**_ _I have never before considered the possibility that anyone might think the term applies to_ _ **me**_ _as well. I think… I like it. When_ _ **she**_ _says it, that is._

XOXOX 

"No way!" 

"Yes way!" 

" _No…!"_

"Guys… _Please_ …" Izumo sighed, looking back and forth between the two. Apparently, Iwashi still couldn't believe that he'd actually fucked 'mister perfect schoolteacher' – Not that Izumo particularly _wanted_ Iwashi to believe it… 

"Izumo, c'mon man, is it true?" 

Slumping a little in his chair, the brunette gave a slight nod, "Look… I don't want this to get out, 'kay? Not this one…" 

"Fine," Iwashi shrugged, giving the two friends a calculating look, "Then give me something better. If you give me something good enough, I won't roll with this one." 

Pulling a face, Izumo sighed, "Swear on the secret of the bottle, Iwashi." 

Straightening in his chair, Iwashi wore a surprised expression, " _Really?_ It's _that_ important?" 

Frowning, Kotetsu joined in, trying to make up for his earlier mistake, "Just swear, Iwashi." 

"Fine," He huffed, "I swear on the holiest and secretest of secrets, the bottle that was the gateway to freedom but now shall be the lock. You two are my witnesses as I hand the key to you. The secret of Izumo Kamizuki is safe with me." 

"Good," Kotetsu nodded, a happy smile on his face. But Izumo was still frowning, muttering as he took another sip of beer. 

"Now, if only you hadn't just broadcasted it through the entire bar…" 

XOXOX

Kakashi sighed quietly, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Shikamaru's head lay on his chest, his arm thrown around his younger lover. The Nara's breathing was even and deep, had been for hours. But Kakashi couldn't sleep. He'd dozed off earlier, for a little while at least. But a nightmare had woken him up, and he hadn't been able to get back to sleep since. A wry smile spread across Kakashi's face.  
 _They're getting to be more and more again. Heavier too. Pretty soon I won't be able to sleep at all… Last time this happened, I had Iruka stay the night with me. Somehow that helped. But for some reason, Shikamaru's presence doesn't seem to have the same effect. Wonder what that means…  
_

His hand almost automatically brushed over his lover's dark locks, the smile on his face turning a little tender for a moment.  
 _No… It's not Shikamaru… The nightmares are getting worse because of all the other stuff that's going on. The secrets, the therapy. I should probably get up, maybe there's enough sake left to ease me back to sleep. And in any case I shouldn't be laying here like this because I know it influences Cuteness's sleep. But… I don't want to get up. I want to stay with him. I want to hold him. I love him._

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ _Okay, so here's my final note. I don't know if you want something to post with the story or what. Bottom line is, this story is kind of a big deal. I mean, it brought us together, right? Sometimes I wonder if that's why you keep it moving forward... But hey, whatever makes you happy. I mainly want to apologize to EVERYONE who has been waiting for this chapter for like, what, 3 months now? It's totally my fault. I mean, I just got overwhelmed and it seemed like some uncompletable task. Even though, it really wasn't. It was the thing I focused my stress on and I gotta say, getting it done finally feels really really good. I hope that you didn't lose any followers because of the delay. Now, if I can just get back to my own stories we'll be in business.  
_

_So Babe, thanks for hanging in with me while I slacked this summer and being so understanding about it. I love you. You're awesome and I'm lucky to have you around. Even if it is from a huge fucking distance. Here it is! Finally! The finished beta of CHAPTER 100!  
_

_~Marina_


	101. Will You Just Talk To Me!

AUTHORS NOTE: Aaaand…. It's back to regular chapters. What better way to kick off the new arc than a good old-fashioned lover's quarrel? An arc that will go under the subtitle of 'Trials and Tribulations'. Though that would kind of describe the entirety of 'Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives', no?  
Also, since the creative swearing chapter seemed to score some points with you… Here's a little something for all you creative swearers out there xD 

Also, I want to take this time to sincerely apologize for the long wait… And confess that it probably won't get much better any time soon. College is a bitch. Trust me. It saps time, creativity and life-force, leaving me as nothing but an empty shell on most days. I'll still do my best to update, I promise. But I really do have a lot of schoolwork that has to come first, not to mention multiple stories. Oh and did I mention I moved across the country? I'm still getting lost regularly and trust me: that's no fun -.-" 

Lukabayo, thank you so much for taking over as my Beta! I'm sure with your help, I can keep providing a good story ^,^ Also… People, please be kind, Luka is only now finding out how much work actually goes into a chapter... And he doesn't even know the half of it yet! xD

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 101: Will You Just Talk To Me?!

XOXOX

Shikamaru sighed.  
 _It's always_ _ **something**_ _isn't it?  
_

Kakashi didn't look up when his boyfriend entered the bedroom, instead continuing his feverish pacing. He'd gone through an entire pack of cigarettes in less than an hour, and was trying _really_ hard not to grab the next one – there were only about five packs left and he was probably going to need each and every one of them just to be able to deal with Tsunade later. 

"Babe…" Shikamaru shook his head, this was never going to work, " _Kakashi! Stop your goddamned pacing and listen to me!_ " 

That worked. The older man froze in place before slowly turning to look at his lover, a shocked expression on his unmasked face. His hands trembled lightly, but he quickly folded them behind his back so Shikamaru wouldn't see. He swallowed, his voice shaking, "Yes?" 

Shikamaru took a deep breath, trying to force the annoyance out of his voice. It wasn't even that he was so annoyed with Kakashi – well, he _was._ But there was a lot of stuff that he was even _more_ annoyed about. Like his parents. And Tsunade wanting to see the both of them _again_. And idiots that didn't seem to understand that 'I need those forms back tomorrow at the latest' meant that they were supposed to fill the damn things out and give them back to him ASAP. And Genma's lazy carving. And Raidou's preoccupation with Shizune. And Shizune's blindness because how on earth could you _not_ notice the guy that's following you around like a lost puppy?! And – He sighed, pointing at the bed, "Sit. Take a deep breath. Light a smoke or whatever and just _calm the fuck down_ , will you?" 

The silver-haired man immediately complied and sat down, taking a deep breath. Not that he'd actually _wanted_ to, but it'd proved impossible to ignore his boyfriend's tone. He frowned, "Shikamaru… Don't talk to me like that. Not when we're just being… Regular." 

"You're not. You're freaking again and I don't like it." 

Another frown, "You know what I mean, Cuteness. We're not doing a scene here and instead of yelling at me, you might consider trying to be a little nicer."  
 _Or you could leave. Right now, I don't care. Just stop yelling.  
_

"I'm _not_ yelling! I'm just too fucking _tired_ to deal with your _shit_ right now!" Panting heavily, he crossed his arms before his chest. Standing stiffly for a few seconds as Kakashi simply looked at him. Shikamaru swallowed. Looked away. Shifted his feet a little. Looked up at the ceiling. Sighed. Uncrossed his arms, shoving his hands in his pockets, "That came out wrong…" 

Kakashi raised one eyebrow, sarcasm lacing his voice, " _Really?_ Gee, I didn't notice…" 

The Nara scoffed, "What _ever_ dude! Just 'cause _you're_ such an enormous spazz nugget…" 

"Excuse me?" Kakashi was flabbergasted.  
 _What the hell…? Is he name-calling now?  
_

But Shikamaru frowned, leaning over a little while his body still leaned against the doorframe, "You heard me, _Spazz_." 

"Shikamaru…" He was getting angry now too, the least the young man could do was stay out of his way if he didn't feel like dealing with him, "Just shut the fuck up, will you? Just _go_!" 

"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! That I leave so you can rip your body to shreds again? That what you want?!" 

"What the –?! You little _asshole!_ How _dare_ you –?" 

"Oh shut the fuck up, you sick son of a bitch! Stop treatin' me like I'm some sorta kid one minute and expect me to know fucking _everything_ –" 

Kakashi moved, suddenly standing only a hair's breath away, his tone quiet but the anger in his eye spoke volumes, "Don't you talk back to me, you little bum graduate. You haven't earned the right to talk to _me_ like that." 

Sheer instinct forced Shikamaru to push his body flush against the doorframe, as far away from the enraged man as he could possibly get. Kakashi was just about to move away again, to take a deep breath, to _apologize_. But the Nara suddenly frowned, his voice sounding like a whip, "Get the _hell_ away from me, you filthy arse plonker." 

Kakashi swallowed, trying to contain the anger that was bubbling up, trying to contain the urge to hit the young man, "Shikamaru, calm _down_ ," He took a few small steps back, "Calm down." 

"Hell no! I work my fucking ass of day in day out tryin' to work as fast as I can so I can be here for _you_. So I can take care of _you_. You're the most _ungrateful_ piece of _shit_ to ever walk this fucking earth!" 

Kakashi clenched his teeth, "Calm down," He moved out of the bedroom, opening the door before Tsunade'd even had the time to knock, calling back over his shoulder, "She's here!" 

"Like I fucking _care!_ Cocksplurt assjacker!" 

Trembling with suppressed rage, the older man retorted, "Twatville!" 

"Dickbreath!" 

"Dipshit!" Standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at the Nara, his breath came in rapid bursts. 

" _Wow!_ " Tsunade moved to stand in between the two arguing men, hands raised slightly in a calming gesture, "Let's all just take a deep breath –" 

"Sod the fuck off you cunting twat!" Shikamaru's eyes were fiery pits, ready to destroy _anyone_ who interrupted. And yes, that would _definitely_ include this woman that was – by all means – butting in where she did _not_ belong. 

She turned to him, eyebrows raised, "I beg your pardon?" 

Kakashi sighed, wiping a hand over tired eyes, "Shikamaru… Please just leave…" 

He snorted, "Convenient. You don't like what I have to say so you kick me out, that how it works?" 

"No… I can't deal with your yelling so I ask you to leave. Calm down. Go see Choji or whatever –" 

"So now you're telling me who to see? Suppose you're gonna tell me who to stay away from now too?" There was a warning in the younger man's tone, but Kakashi's weary ears didn't pick it up. He didn't catch on the pain hidden inside the Nara's words, didn't hear the loneliness that was so poorly hidden behind the sarcasm. 

"Fine, if that's what you want: Stay away from _me_ ," Hands on his hips, he glared at Shikamaru. 

He sighed again, frowning to hide the fact that he was biting back tears, "Whatever you want, _psycho_." Harshly brushing past Tsunade, he made for the door. 

"Hang on a minute! Shikamaru!" She quickly followed him, pulling the Nara back inside by his arm. Ignoring the men's protests, she dragged both of them into the bedroom, throwing them down on the bed, "What the _hell_ has gotten into you two?" 

He muttered, "Leave me _alone,_ woman…" 

"Tsunade…" Kakashi sighed, "Please don't interfere…" 

She raised her eyebrows, crossed her arms but didn't say anything. 

Shikamaru moved to get up, but Tsunade pushed him back. 

Kakashi frowned, attempting the same thing. Same result. 

"Is this about you having to take care of him after all?" She looked at Shikamaru, "Some sort of belated reaction? Or are you two stressed out because the secret's out now? Just tell me what's going _on_ here…" 

"Fuck _off,_ woman…" Still, he muttered. Refusing to look at either of them. 

Kakashi swallowed, "He's just tired, Tsunade… _Please_." 

"Dude, stop actin' like you know every bloody thing! You _fucking_ –" 

Tsunade grabbed his shoulder painfully tight, "Keep yourself in _check_ , Shikamaru Nara. I don't want to hear _any_ more language like that." 

He frowned, "Then let _go_ ," Pulling free, he dashed out the door, slamming the front door shut behind him. 

The remaining man let his head drop in his hands, his tone a mere whisper, "Tsunade, please… I can't handle having you here right now…" 

"Kakashi…" Sighing, she allowed her body to drop on the chair, "What the hell happened?" 

Groaning, he looked up, "Like I said, he's tired. And completely stressed out because of both his job and – whatever it was that happened two days ago… I mean…" He swallowed, gesturing towards the door, "Shikaku was right _there_ , Tsunade… I don't think _either_ of us has really recovered from that yet…" 

"Which is why I'm here," She pointed out, "To _help_ you recover from that. Because it's clear to me that you were both in shock the last time I saw you. And Shikamaru completely broke down," She added thoughtfully, muttering, "I _never_ thought I'd see the day…" 

He sneered at her, "Well, you _did_. Happy now?" 

"No Kakashi, not at all…" Standing, she gave the man on the bed one last look, "I'm going to see where he's gone –" 

"The Forest. You're going to get in trouble if you follow him in there." 

"No, if he's _there_ , I'll just ask his father to fetch him. He needs to be here, Kakashi. You just… Try to calm down a little, okay?" 

He wanted to speak, to ask her to just let it slide for now, but he couldn't find his voice fast enough; Tsunade had already left. 

XOXOX

He nodded at the two men walking past him, secretly smiling as one of them pushed a piece of paper in his hand. Quickly unfolding it, Iruka's eyes flew over the little note. 

_Later tonight? Seven o'clock?  
_

Leaning against the nearest wall, he calmly looked down the street, when Izumo threw a look over his shoulder, Iruka nodded, getting a small nod in return. Smiling, the sensei continued his journey home. 

Kotetsu smirked as his best friend seemed to feel the need to throw one last look over his shoulder after they'd passed the sensei, "You really like him, huh buddy?" 

"What? Who?" Blinking up at him, Izumo looked quizzical. 

"Mister schoolteacher," Kotetsu winked, "Just _go_ for it, I tell ya." 

"I… Eh… No, that's not…" Izumo swallowed. 

Kotetsu Hagane chuckled, "Take it to the next level, ask him out." 

"Eh… Shouldn't that be the _first_ level? _Heh,_ not that I know too much about this stuff, but," He licked his lips a little nervously, "Isn't that how it's supposed to work?" 

"So? You just started backwards." 

"Yeah, but… I mean… He's hot, but I'm not… You know?" 

"Uh-huh…" Kotetsu quirked his eyebrow a little sarcastically, "And my pops is a goat." 

Izumo nodded thoughtfully, "That sounds about right…" 

Smirking, his friend shoved him away, " _Riiight…"_

Shrugging a little, he fell in step beside Kotetsu once more, "But I don't, you know? I can just enjoy what I've got, right? It's not like he's in love with _me_ either." 

"Ah…" Kotetsu's tone was soft, all hits of teasing gone, "You don't wanna put your heart out there so he can break it, that it?" 

Frowning, he decided not to remind this man of the fact that _he'd_ already broken his heart. That Kotetsu was _still_ smashing it to pieces on a daily basis. Just by smiling at him. Or by hinting that he'd like to see Izumo go out with Iruka. Or just by being around, basically, "But it's not like _I'm_ in love with _him_. We're just having fun, don't tell me _you_ dated every girl you've ever slept with. 'Cause in that case you have some explaining to do, buddy…" 

"Nah, you know which ones I dated… But the rest," He shrugged, "One night stands, little flings, not like _your_ little arrangement." 

"Whatever," The brunette scoffed, "Stop talking about it already…"

XOXOX

He softly called out his son's name, suppressing a smirk as the boy was obviously startled. Looking up, Shikamaru almost made a run for it, but his father quickly though gently grabbed his arm, "Calm down, son. I'm only here because I heard you were upset, I'm not going to force you to do anything. But I'd _like_ to just talk, is that okay?" 

Sighing, he nodded before pulling free from his father's hold. Leaning back against the tree he'd been leaning against before the elder Nara interrupted his thoughts, Shikamaru cleared his throat, "It's not Kakashi's fault, dad. You probably think –" 

"Nope," Leaning his back against a tree opposite his son, Shikaku allowed the smirk to form on his face, "You're tired, he's not feeling a hundred percent either – shit happens. Think I've never had an argument with your mother?" 

"No, you just do whatever the hell she _wants_ you to do…" He didn't look at his father, instead studying the doe that was grazing not too far from where they stood. 

Shikaku followed his son's gaze for a moment, smiling fondly, "I don't, just so you know. You may not see much of it, but _we_ don't always see eye to eye either. And if I'd always do whatever she told me I would've dragged you back here a long time ago…" 

Shikamaru sighed, allowing his body to slide to the forest floor, "I just don't get why that woman wants to talk to both of us all of the sudden… I mean, I can _kind_ of understand why she needed me there last time – nah, I _get_ that. But this is like couples therapy or something, and I'm _not_ … _Him_ , you know?" 

"I know," Shikaku sat down too, pulling up his legs and resting his arms on his knees, "But you _are_ living with him. Something I'm not all too happy about… But that's not the point here. The point is that Tsunade wonders how _you_ fit in Kakashi's life. We sort of thought we'd figured it out, and then all of the sudden we find out you're _banging_ the guy! What the hell does that even _mean_ , Shikamaru?" 

He frowned, all but scowling at his father, "It means I _love_ him, dad. And if you can't accept that, or if you don't want to –" 

"I _can_ accept it. Frankly I've known for a while now, I just tried not to see what was right in front of me because you're my son, and he's… _Kakashi._ It's not the kind of relationship you want for your kid. And I'm not talking about him being a guy here, I'm talking about the depressions, about how hard it is for the guy just to stay upright. And you're pulling him through. That was hard to watch when we all thought you were just friends. And it got even harder when I realized you're in love with him, that _he's_ in love with _you_. But I figured nothing was going to happen – that was _my_ mistake. If I hadn't been so full of myself, I would've asked about it and I wouldn't have let you weasel your way out of answering me. No, let me finish," He held up a hand as Shikamaru opened his mouth, "I'm not saying I would've tried to end it. I may be old, but I'm not going senile, son. Pulling the two of you apart would only result in both of you being broken, and I care too much for both of you to let that happen. But I would've done everything in my power to help you. If you would've just let me in, I would've _been_ there. It's your first relationship, and I know you're not just testing the waters, so to speak. You're completely serious about this, and so is he. Which is nice," He smiled a little, "Because if only one of the two is actually being serious, that one's bound to get hurt. But you are still _so_ inexperienced, and I'm pretty damn sure that goes for Kakashi as well. So I wanted to be there for you – _both_ of you. Arguing is a healthy part of _any_ relationship, but you have to know when to forgive as well. Because when you're yelling names at each other, the only thing that's on your mind is what to call him next. You have to know when to walk away and just calm down again. Create some distance and really _think_. And right now, you're doing just that: You're calming down. Now all you need to do is learn how to take that calm with you when you go back there." 

Shikamaru frowned, "Who says I'm goin' back? Who says I wanna?" 

Shrugging, the older man almost chuckled, "No-one. But if you don't, you'll be acting like a spoiled teenager. I kind of thought you wouldn't want that…" He let the words hang in the air, leaving it up to his son to interpret them any way he saw fit. 

Thinking about his father's words for a couple of minutes, Shikamaru chewed on his lip. Frowning before sighing, "He's no better, dad…" 

"I know. I already told you that the way I figure it you're about the same age as he is mentally. But _one_ of you has to be the responsible one here, why can't that be you? Prove to everyone that you _can_ be. That you're actually responsible enough to be dating someone almost twice your age – someone that's a nervous wreck more than half the time. Prove it to Tsunade, because really…" Shikaku sighed, "I don't think she gets it. I don't think she really understands that you're more than capable to handle everything Kakashi throws at you. We saw it when the guy fell down so bad he would only let you and Gai near – Gai only came 'round once, didn't he? _You're_ the one that brought him back from the brink. You're the _only_ one who _can._ And now you're throwing in the towel just because you're tired?" Clucking his tongue, Shikaku softly shook his head a little, "Shikamaru… That's just stupid."  
 _She's_ _ **testing**_ _you, can't you_ _ **see**_ _that? You're my_ _ **son**_ _, how the hell can you not_ _ **see**_ _?  
_

"Dad…" He shot him a weary look, "I don't _want_ to always be the responsible one…" 

"You're not. He took the responsibility two days ago, Shikamaru. Kakashi took all the so-called blame for this entire relationship. He thought I was going to beat the shit out of him and he didn't even plan to lift a _single_ finger in defense. _You_ were worried about what I'd _think_. Kakashi was certain I'd _kill_ him if I ever found out. And he _still_ wanted to tell us about your relationship," He gave his son a stern look, hoping he would get through to the boy, "Kakashi was prepared to _die_ , just for loving you. Don't be the selfish prick right now, son. That's all I can tell you," Getting up, Shikaku stretched his muscles for a moment before turning to leave, "And remember this, son. Love is about _giving_ , never about _taking._ "


	102. Losing Grip

AUTHORS NOTE: I know my updates have gotten incredibly slow – and I'm really sorry about that. College is taking more time than I ever could've predicted. I'm trying to do this on the side, but I'm obviously failing…

Thank you Marina for doing this Beta for me – even though I know it was a hassle.

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 102: Losing Grip

XOXOX

Shikamaru swallowed, regarding the woman sitting in front of them with a fearful look. But Tsunade only smiled at him, a warm smile, a caring one. He took a deep breath, "Look, I don't see why I have to be here _again._ I have work to do, you know…" 

"Yes, I know all about that, Shikamaru. But don't you think this might actually be even more important?" 

The shadow user frowned, unsure what she'd meant. He was quickly getting annoyed with the woman – the only reason he hadn't exploded yet was Kakashi's warm hand on his knee.  
 _'Kakashi was prepared to_ _ **die**_ _, just for loving you. Don't be the selfish prick right now, son.' Right… Be the responsible one. Kakashi did that last time, I gotta show this woman I'm no ordinary teenager…_

"Tsunade, he doesn't understand. And quite frankly, neither do I. We've been doing alright without you even _knowing_ about it. Why do we have to sit here and talk 'relationship' all of a sudden? We already did that two days ago, and not to be mean or anything, but that didn't exactly work out so well for either of us." 

"I'm sorry. I know that's at least partly my fault. But still – " 

"Just _can_ it, woman!" Irritated, the Nara rose to his feet and stormed off into the kitchen.  
 _Okay, seriously? I can't do this, Dad… She thinks she has all the answers, she thinks she can just come in and tell us how to live our lives. She doesn't even really_ _ **care**_ _!_

Kakashi looked at her for several long heartbeats before, "Fine… I'll go get him." Standing, he added, "I won't force him to talk to you, Tsunade. It's entirely up to Shikamaru." 

She nodded, watching the man walk away.  
 _They just don't see it, do they? Looking back, there's been so many times when this relationship has gotten in the way of therapy. So many instances where I could have helped him so much better if I'd only_ _ **known.**_ _The promise he made, that was to keep quiet about the two of them, we almost lost him over that. And that day when Asuma was here, there was clearly more on Kakashi's mind. Again, we almost_ _ **lost**_ _him. And the last time, 'D'you think I'd saddle a fifteen-year-old with this?' Yes, Kakashi. I think you are. And that's not healthy for Shikamaru. But I think you realize that already, don't you? And the way he got you back on your feet after that. If he was only your friend, best friend even, it still wouldn't be half as hard on him as watching the man he loves go through that. If I'd_ _ **known**_ _then, not suspected, but_ _ **known**_ _… I could have_ _ **helped**_ _him, Kakashi. Shikamaru needs a support system, maybe he needs it even more than you do…  
_

Suddenly, the blonde's musing was interrupted by Shikamaru's voice as it rang through the small apartment, "I don't _care_ , Kakashi! I love you, I _do_! But I can't deal with that _woman_ on every turn! She's _your_ problem, _not_ mine!" 

Tsunade frowned lightly.  
 _How am I ever going to help this brat if he hates my guts?_

The front door opened and closed. A few seconds later, Kakashi reappeared. 

"He left again, then," It wasn't a question. Tsunade's voice was even, almost emotionless. 

"Yeah…" Swallowing thickly, he dropped himself back on the bed, "No offense Tsunade, but… You're not exactly helping much right now…" 

She cocked her head to the side, "Why does he hate me so much, anyway?" 

"Because… Because there's things that I won't tell him, but I talk to you about. Things from my past, stuff that's… Not even relevant anymore. Not for him, at least. And, he feels that you act as if you 'own' me, that I'm not allowed to have free will anymore and should just do whatever _you_ want. And –" 

"Wait, there's _more_?!" Exasperated, she slumped a little on the chair, mumbling, "No wonder…" 

He smiled apologetically, but continued nonetheless, "This one is actually the most important, I think. Shikamaru… He's not actually much of a talker, Tsunade. He pretty much prefers quiet over talking almost any day. The only ones he really talks to are Choji, Iruka and me. And it's the slow kind of conversation with him. Long silences, walking away to do something else and returning to the same conversation after, that sort of thing. You… Don't really fit into that pattern very well. He feels… Like this is forced. Like he _has_ to speak right here and now and that just doesn't sit right with Shikamaru. And he can't follow your train of thought very well, he keeps feeling like there's something you want from him, but he can't for the life of him figure out _what._ And to Shikamaru… That's incredibly upsetting." 

"I… See…" She thought about it for a minute, biting down on the nail of her thumb, "There's not really anything I specifically _want_ from him, though. I guess… Over the course of our sessions, I've been trying to check in with him, to see how he was holding up. But he always pushed me away. And of course there was the feeling that he was hiding something important – but I guess now I know what that was, huh?" 

"Yeah…" He took another drag of the cigarette he'd lit while she was lost in thought, "He seems to think you've been giving him the third degree every time you saw him. Think that even goes as far back as when you went to get him after tying me up here," He chuckled humorlessly, "Seriously, don't ever do that again, Shikamaru might very well try to kill you. He knows how much it scares me, and… Anyway, he felt like he had no choice but to tell you about Asuma at that point, and ever since…" 

"I've only been making it worse…" She closed her eyes, realizing what a nightmare she must've been for the young man, while he was just trying to do right by the man he loved, that's all. Stand by his man. And she… Made that _so_ much harder, "No wonder he hates my guts…" 

"I don't think he actually _hates_ you, Tsunade," He chuckled, "I actually think he feels you're akin to his mother – and he doesn't get along with _her_ either." 

"I heard," She shot him an amused look, "According to Shikaku, they're too much alike…" 

Kakashi shrugged, "Could very well be. I don't know her well enough to speculate. I know Shikamaru though. He's coming back, Tsunade. Maybe not today, maybe it will take him weeks. But he's going to see the reason in your request without anyone needing to pressure him into being here with us." 

"I can only hope he sees it soon, Kakashi. With all the things going on right now…" 

"What do you mean?" He frowned, "Do I need to go back to active duty? Because I… I don't think…" He swallowed. 

"No, no nothing like that. Well, I'd _like_ you to, but we're managing, Kakashi. You're not the _only_ jounin, you know," She winked, "And certainly not the only shinobi I can rely on. Your comrades are making do without you – and most of them don't even really notice. For once, your inability to be predictable comes in handy. No-one even knows if you're in the village or not and when someone asks, all Shizune or I have to say is that you do classified missions as well." A warm smile appeared on her face as she watched his relieved expression, "No, what I actually _meant_ was: Yoshino Nara. If Shikamaru doesn't get along with her, and you're _obviously_ scared…" A light shrug, "I just thought I might be able to help you figure out how to go about telling her. It's not like it's something you can just postpone indefinitely, right?" 

"We're not gonna…" Standing in the doorway, the young Nara lit the cigarette dangling between his lips, taking a deep drag before he continued, "But you don't know her like I do, so you'd be fucking useless," He sighed, muttering, "Not that you're ever _not_ fucking useless, but that's beside the point…" 

Ignoring his last statement, Tsunade watched as the young man flopped down beside his lover, "I'm happy you're back though," She said softly. 

"Don't be. I'm not here for _you_. I only came back because that's what Kakashi wants," Frowning, he stared at the knob on the upper desk drawer. 

"Cuteness, _please_ …" 

Shikamaru sighed, "I hate her, Kakashi. And that's not gonna go away just 'cause she's acting nice for a change…" 

Swallowing hard, she opened her mouth to speak, but Kakashi beat her to it, "I know I might seem like more of a hassle than I'm worth to you right now, but I really do believe that you should be able to love who-ever you love, without ridiculous restrictions," He smiled at her, "That's what you said, isn't it?" 

Tsunade blinked, "Word for word…" 

"Right, which _means_ , Shikamaru, that's she's _not_ 'just acting nice for a change'. It's who she _is_. And you're acting like a prick, by the way." 

Looking up, he caught the look of disapproval on his boyfriend's face. A deep frown settled on his brow, "Maybe so, but my boyfriend's siding with the enemy…" 

"I'm not the _enemy,_ Shikamaru! I don't –…" She sighed, "I don't even know where that _came_ from…" 

Without a word, he got up. Walking out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. They could hear him rummaging around a little for the next few minutes. Tsunade shot Kakashi a curious look and he nodded, his tone very soft, "That's what I meant, yes. He's organizing his thoughts and he can't do that when you're looking at him," The silver-haired man cocked his head to the side, listening intently for a few seconds before an amused smile settled on his face, "He's actually _cleaning_ in there…" 

"Is that such a surprise?" 

"Not exactly his hobby, Tsunade. More like mine. He accepts it, and he'll do his part, but usually Shikamaru won't just up and clean the kitchen for no good reason. That's what _I_ do." 

"Right…" She stayed quiet for a while, but eventually couldn't take it anymore, "How long is this going to _last_?" 

He chuckled, "No clue." 

Again, they fell silent. After what seemed like forever – and a quick look at the clock told her it'd been over forty minutes, so 'forever' was pretty accurate – Shikamaru returned. Sitting back down again with a glass of juice in his hand, "You're the enemy because you boss him around. Because you look at me like I'm nothing but a pest. Because you barge in here whenever you damn well please. Because you have _no_ respect for privacy. Because you know too much. That's why I don't want you in my life. But I want Kakashi in my life. And apparently you're a consequence of that. Doesn't mean I have to like it," He took a sip of his juice, looking at the door. Clearly, he didn't want to see her reaction. 

Tsunade blinked, "I wasn't sure what you were going to say, but I have to admit I wasn't expecting such a long list…" 

" _Tsch_ …" He took another sip, still not looking at either of them. 

"Shikamaru, I don't think you're a pest. Not at all. I'll admit that I was annoyed at first because Kakashi asked for you while I was – Honestly? I was full of myself. I thought that I was the only one who could help him. But I realize now that he'd still be a mess if not for you, for Iruka, for Gai. I know I helped, but I cannot honestly say there'd been much progress with only me. _You're_ the one who kept pulling this guy back to the normal things. Going out for groceries," She chuckled, "Cleaning the kitchen. I didn't even see that's what he needed until I realized what you were doing. So no, I don't consider you to be a pest. A little annoying sometimes maybe, but I'm just now figuring out that that's because I seem to barely _know_ you." 

He shrugged, "You don't need to know me. And I don't want you to." 

" _I_ want to," She said softly, "I would very much like to get to know you…" 

"Not gonna happen, lady." 

Tsunade suppressed a smirk.  
 _We'll see…  
_ "And as far as not respecting privacy goes… I try to. But I'm also here as a _therapist_. If I'd worry about things like privacy all the time, there'd be no use in even coming over. You understand that much, right? And it's _not_ just about Kakashi, you're living here too. You're a huge part of his life, and while I realize that you'd rather I keep away from that… It's impossible, Shikamaru." 

The Nara sighed, "I know… But just keep your nose out of the business that's purely my own. Stop asking if I don't miss my friends, or saying I should just go home and take a break because the only place I _can_ take a break is _here._ And you simply refuse to see that," He got up, still not looking at her as he turned to the door, "And I can handle his breakdowns better than Iruka-sensei can. I don't get all teary-eyed and restless. So stop trying to shove me away," He left again, turning into the kitchen once more. 

The blonde sighed quietly.  
 _We're going to be here a while, aren't we? Not that I actually have_ _ **time**_ _for any of this today, but it's starting to look like I don't have a choice…  
_

Kakashi chuckled lightly, "I know. It can get a little frustrating sometimes. But… He's actually _talking_ to you, Tsunade. He's thinking about what you say. That in itself is sort of amazing. I never thought he'd actually _listen_ to you like that. Not after the last time you tried to send him away, at least." 

She threw him a pained look, "Which one was that again…?" 

"Eh… Not sure, actually. You may have actually tried it again after that time that I'm thinking about now… You two seem to talk more than I realized… Anyway, that time when Iruka and Shikamaru were both here. After… Eh…" He worried the inside of his lip for a second or two, "Asuma…" 

"Right, I remember now… I figured that after the conversation we'd just had, and _especially_ considering the amount of drugs in your system at the time, Iruka would be… The _better_ choice. At least he's an adult, and –" 

"Don't you _ever_ dare say something like that again!" His eye was shooting daggers, his jaw clenched as he spoke, "You may not realize this Tsunade, but every time you imply that Shikamaru is a kid, you're hurting the _both_ of us. And he _was_ right. Iruka gets upset about it, Shikamaru just _deals_ with it. Iruka's a great friend, but he's too _nice_ , Tsunade. He can't shut it off. Shikamaru _can,_ Gai too…" He looked away from her, trembling slightly. 

The blonde sighed softly, opening her mouth to apologize when she found herself interrupted by the Nara for the _second_ time today. 

"Why the _hell_ do you keep hurtingthe guy?!" He shot her an exasperated look from his place in the doorway before walking over to Kakashi, shielding the man from view with his own body as he whispered something in the older man's ear. 

"Yeah…" Kakashi's tone was quiet, but she could just about make it out, "You're right. But… She shouldn't –" 

"I honestly don't care, Babe," Shikamaru's tone was equally soft and even though she was sitting _so_ close to them, Tsunade had to strain her ears to hear them, "I know you … Still, it's not like … Besides … Right?" 

Kakashi sighed softly, his tone normal again, though still soft, "Right… I'm sorry, Cuteness…" 

"Yeah, whatever… It's a drag…" He flopped back down on the bed, giving Tsunade a once over, "You should really stop putting so much emphasis on age, you know…" 

"I'm sorry, I guess I run my mouth a little too much sometimes, huh?" 

He quirked one eyebrow, " _Sometimes_?" 

Taken aback, she swallowed. Confused when Kakashi suddenly chuckled, "Cuteness, lay off the sarcasm for the time being, will you? It's bordering on mean…" 

"So? I _am_ mean. People just assume I'm joking…" Leaning back on the bed, he reached over his boyfriend to grab the smokes. 

Kakashi chuckled again, "Thank god for that, huh?" 

"Yep," Picking two cigarettes, he handed one to the older man, waiting for Kakashi to strike a match and light both. After taking a deep drag, the Nara looked at Tsunade once more, "Don't mind me. I'm just getting fed up with the entire situation…" 

Cocking her head to the side, she tried to keep her tone warm, "Why?" 

"Cause it's a drag…" 

"Cuteness…" 

"Whatever… I just… Don't like needing to talk so much, okay? You're asking questions left and right and I don't know how to deal with it. So it's a drag," Looking out the window, Shikamaru seemed to completely ignore the other two people in the room once again. 

She waited a little while, allowing the young man time to calm down. When his breathing evened out again, Tsunade spoke, her tone deliberately soft and gentle, "I only ask so much because you seem so unwilling to talk, Shikamaru. And there are a few things that I need to understand. Starting with why you want to push me away so badly, because all I've been trying to do this whole time is help. Not only Kakashi, but you as well. Even disregarding the relationship itself, you're living with a man who seems to be falling apart every other week – no offense, Kakashi." 

He smiled briefly, "None taken. It's true, after all." 

"Yes…" She sounded thoughtful for a moment, but then addressed Shikamaru again, in the same tone as before. He hadn't moved yet, but she could tell he _was_ listening, "It's not easy, Shikamaru. I know that much. And even though you say you can deal with it – and you've _proven_ that you can – I still can't ignore the fact that you seem to be the _only_ one Kakashi will tolerate on such occasions. That means it's all on _your_ shoulders, and I cannot believe that _anyone's_ shoulders are broad enough for that. I only ever meant to support you, Shikamaru." 

He swallowed, dark eyes training on her face, "Then why do you insist on treating me like a little kid? If you think I've proven that I can handle it, why do you keep trying to send me away? You say you don't think that anyone should pull us apart, but you're trying to do exactly that on every turn. The second Kakashi's not feeling well, you send me away. I don't understand…" There was pain in his voice, in his expression, but she wasn't allowed to see it for long as he turned back to the window again after speaking. 

"I'm trying to _protect_ you. Not treat you like a kid. If you were Iruka, I'd still sent you out. If you were Gai, same thing. I'm _used_ to this, Shikamaru. It's been a part of my training since before any of you were even _born_. But… Without the proper tools," She sighed, "You care about him so you'd get hurt. I've seen it already. Sometimes, you just need to take a small step back and realize that you're in over your head, Shikamaru. That's where _I_ come in." 

"You've been in over your head before… You fucking _broke_ the guy!" Furious, he stared at her, panting heavily. 

Tsunade swallowed, "I did. And I will regret my actions that day for the rest of my life. But unlike you, I _can_ take that step back. I can tell myself to look at the _patient_ , not the guy that I care about. Which is why, in the end, I don't get affected as much." 

He swallowed, "Fine. But just stop pressuring me all the time. It's hard enough as it is, I don't want to have to fight _you_ every time as well…" 

"Alright. But then promise me one thing, Shikamaru," She waited for him to look at her. Seconds turned into minutes, but eventually he did. His eyes restless, shooting back and forth between her face and her knees. Her shoulder and the desk. Tsunade decided that she would just take what she could get, "Promise me that you'll call me if something goes wrong." 

He snorted, eyes finally settling on her face properly, "So who do I call first? Iruka-sensei, Gai-sensei or you? 'Cause you all say the same thing." 

Kakashi had managed to stay quiet throughout their little exchange but now he spoke up, softly, "You call Tsunade. Unless it's something minor, in which case, by all means, call Iruka. Don't bother her with little things. But you know as well as I do that it's not often little, Shikamaru. If it is, I can usually handle it. So you call Tsunade, because out of the three of them, she's the only one who can put it aside again when she leaves here. If I keep relying on the guy, Iruka's going to fall apart _himself_ one of these days." 

Shikamaru sighed, "Probably… But he's gonna hate me for it…" 

"No, he won't Sweetheart, he knows it too. And if you want, I'll talk to him. Explain it was _my_ decision, not yours," Kakashi gave him a soft smile, extending his hand to grab Shikamaru's. The young man held on tight, swallowing hard a couple of times. 

"Babe… You really hate that I keep walking away, don't you?" He whispered quietly, eyes refusing to look at his lover's face. 

"Hate's a strong word, Cuteness… It's a little hard to deal with, though. Especially now…" 

He nodded, "Sorry…" 

Kakashi's eye crinkled, "It's okay. I know why you need some space every now and then." 

"Uh-huh…" Sliding a little closer, he rested his head on Kakashi's shoulder, placing their joined hands in his lap. Shikamaru took a deep breath, raising his gaze to meet Tsunade's, "I'll try to stay, okay? But don't keep asking _me_ all the time… I'm tired and cranky and I keep thinking about all the stuff I still have to get in order before the meeting with the committee tomorrow morning and I just…" He sighed, "I'm not exactly good company right now…" 

She couldn't help it, the sarcastic tone slipped in her voice as the smirk worked its way onto her lips, "Gee… I didn't notice…" 

Three eyes stared at her before Shikamaru suddenly chuckled, "Good, 'cause that would've been a drag to explain…" 

She happily chuckled along with the two men, feeling utterly relieved that the tension seemed to have _finally_ been broken. After they'd calmed down again – which took the two men on the bed considerably longer than it had taken her – Tsunade spoke again, "Not to keep hounding you, but there is one thing that has me _completely_ baffled, Shikamaru…" She bit the nail of her thumb, hoping he wouldn't get angry again, wouldn't _leave_ again. 

But he only sighed softly, "Lemme guess…" He raised the pitch of his voice in an obvious mock of hers, "You were so _relaxed_ last time, what happened?" He quirked his eyebrow, his voice dropping back to his usual timbre, "Why how _nice_ of you to ask, Tsunade… See, it's these chuunin exams. Or, more accurately, the people _working_ on them. Because for some dark and twisted reason that I cannot for the _life_ of me understand, you seem to find it amusing to stick me with the slowest bunch you could find. So I get paperwork returned that's only half-done. With coffee stains and drops of soy sauce on them. Or I don't get it back at all, and I have to go searching for someone who _should_ be in the office, or on location setting things up. But they're _not_. And where do I finally _find_ them, you ask? In the _bar_ , Tsunade. In the friggin', _godforsaken_ bar. Which is great for them, because _I'm_ not allowed in there. Effectively making me the _only_ one doing _any of the_ _ **goddamned work!**_ " His eyes hard, he panted for a few seconds, before calmly continuing, "So you see, I might just be getting a _little_ overworked here…" 

She nodded thoughtfully, "It still doesn't explain why you were 'relaxed' two days ago though… You've been working with this team since the preparations _started_ …" 

"Yep," He took his last drag, crushing the bud in the ashtray before he continued, "Yesterday was the deadline for all the paperwork needed to present to the committee. Did that on purpose, so I could check their work. But if I've gotten _half_ of it back by now, that would be a miracle. So I gotta chase these guys down _again_. And the meeting's at nine. See the problem yet?" 

"I do," Tsunade pulled a face, "There's not much I can _do_ about it, though. I gave you everyone I had left…" 

The Nara sighed, "I know. I don't blame _you_. I'm just frustrated right now. It's not like I really wanna do it, but if I'm _gonna_ … I wanna do a good job, you know?" 

She smiled reassuringly, "I'm sure you'll pull it off in the end, Shikamaru. And as far as the committee meeting goes, I'm going to push that back a little. Best I can do is day after tomorrow though… Noon?" 

"Sounds like a plan…" He sighed again, "Anyway… You're not actually here to discuss _work_ , now are you?" 

"I'm not," She reached for her tea, nurturing the last sip to give her a little time to formulate the next question, "So… When Shikamaru's _not_ overworked, what's a regular day here?" 

They looked at each other for a moment, conversing without words once more. Tsunade almost sighed.  
 _I_ _ **hate**_ _it when they do that…  
_

Kakashi's eye crinkled as he grinned mischievously, and Shikamaru's eyes widened, "Dude! _Don't –!"  
_

"I wake up before him, crawl over him to get out of bed. Head to the can, take a quick shower before getting dressed. He's stirring by then, and – " 

"You _wouldn't!_ " Shikamaru was clearly in shock, staring up at his lover. Tsunade chuckled, she wasn't sure what the next thing Kakashi did every morning was, but it sure as hell embarrassed the heck out of Shikamaru… 

But the silver-haired man continued as if he hadn't just been interrupted, as if he didn't feel his boyfriend nervously tugging at his hand, "I usually hang around for a couple of minutes, he's kinda cute when he's just waking up," He winked, "And then he's up, and – " 

" _Babe!_ " 

"Well, you know," He gave the blonde a suggestive wink before continuing, "Heads to the shower, while I get started on breakfast," He shot the blushing Nara an amused look, and Tsunade suddenly realized what part of their daily routine he was most likely leaving out, "By the time breakfast is done, he's usually dressed and we'll just chat over breakfast a little. Clean up together, make some tea – well, Shikamaru usually grabs juice or something – head back to the bedroom, chat some more…" He looked thoughtful for a moment, "We're a pretty lazy bunch, Cuteness…" 

Shikamaru, who hadn't been paying attention anymore after realizing that Kakashi wasn't going to talk about their little morning ritual, opened one eye, "So? Everyone knows I'm lazy as hell, you're just a little less known for it…" 

"Maybe… Anyway, groceries if we need them, I usually clean the kitchen before getting started on lunch, if there's laundry, Shikamaru'll take care of that… Lunch, chatting, more chatting, you come over, I stare at the wall for about an hour after that – _no_ idea what Cuteness does during that time… Dinner… More chatting…" Another wicked grin appeared and Shikamaru looked anxious once more, "Bedtime." 

"Uh-huh…" Tsunade smirked, "And where does all the fucking fit into your busy schedule, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" He almost managed to look innocent enough to not understand the question. 

Shikamaru sighed again, "Somewhere, anywhere, whenever we want. Deal with it." 

She chuckled, "So you have a problem with telling me _when_ , but you're basically implying multiple times a day at the same time?" 

The Nara flushed, pressing his face against Kakashi's chest like she'd seen him do last time, "Shut up…" 

Kakashi smiled, stroking his lover's hair, "You know Cuteness, the lady's got a point…" 

"Don't care, dude…" 

"You just don't want me to realize Kakashi skipped something between you waking up and him getting started on breakfast, right?" She almost managed to ban the chuckles out of her voice. _Almost.  
_

"Bitch…" 

The blonde looked away for a moment, then decided to ignore the comment and explain herself, "Shikamaru, do you understand why I keep coming back to the sex?" 

He shook his head just a little, and Kakashi too, seemed a little curious. 

Tsunade sighed, "A _lot_ of Kakashi's issues have to do with sex in one way or another, you both agree with that, don't you?" Watching both of them nod, she continued, "And honestly, I think that a couple of those breakdowns could've been avoided or at least lessened if I had only known about this," Again, Kakashi nodded. Shikamaru didn't seem inclined to answer, but she figured that was most likely because he was feeling guilty. Kakashi hadn't spoken of it because of _his_ wishes, after all, "And the response that I got last time…" She hesitated, looking at Kakashi.

"He knows most of what went on. Just not…" He worried the inside of his lip for a second, "What exactly _started_ the conversation…" 

Tsunade nodded, if Kakashi didn't want his lover to stick his nose in Iruka's personal business, that was fine by her, "I remember thinking… At some point – I can't really remember when exactly – but that you'd probably take care of your own needs. Wondering how you even _could_ , because you've spent such a huge part of your life as a… Well, there's not another way to say it, as a sexual predator." 

Kakashi's tone was soft, "I did. Not for years though. I wasn't exactly _abstaining,_ " An embarrassed chuckle shook the man, "But I was alone all that time. No partners. " 

"Right, which is a completely different situation than actually _having_ a partner, regardless of whether or not there's a relationship," He nodded, and she continued, "But you _do_ have a partner. And there's a lot of other things attached to that fact as well." 

Finally, Shikamaru looked up, a small frown on his face, "Like what?" 

Tsunade cocked her head to the side, her tone warm, "Don't take this the wrong way, Shikamaru. These are just the plain facts, without taking your personal situation into account, alright?" 

He nodded a little reluctantly, but Tsunade figured he'd just have to deal with it, "You're a lot younger. Actually – you're not even legal. Which could _potentially_ set Kakashi up for a world of hurt. You were a virgin before you guys got together, which meant that he not only needed to be thorough in explaining and… For lack of a better word, _preparing_. He also had to be more careful. Still does, most likely. At least in _his_ mind, I can see you frowning brat, but _look_ at the guy. So far he's agreeing with me on every point. You also made him promise not to tell anyone, which as far as I see it, is one of the dirtiest tricks you could've _ever_ played on the guy – no don't interrupt, I'll explain in a minute – and last but not least, you're _still_ overpowering the guy. And yes, I know he _likes_ that, but you're pushing it kid. You made him promise not to skip his therapy, and I'm happy about that. But you also force him to make allowances for your own selfishness and you tangle _me_ up in that as well. I'm here, and I don't leave until we're done. But I _don't_ have the free time to wait around for you to come to your senses, do you understand that? I don't mind if a session takes a while, I honestly don't. But sitting here twiddling my thumbs isn't going to help _anyone_ and it means that I'll be working 'till deep in the night again today. While you spent _your_ time cleaning an already sparkling kitchen…" 

Shikamaru looked defeated, mumbling an apology as he avoided her gaze. 

"I don't mind _that_ much, Shikamaru. But please at least _try_ to make up your mind beforehand, okay?" 

He nodded, but then frowned again, his voice a little hesitant, "You said you'd explain…" 

"Eh…" For a moment, Tsunade lost him, "I don't…" 

"Why it was such a dirty trick," Kakashi sighed, slumping a little, "Honestly, I'd think you'd _get_ that much, Cuteness…" 

The Nara opened his mouth to apologize, but Tsunade cut in. This brat had been doing way too much apologizing for her taste already – Kakashi wasn't exactly squeaky clean either, "You messed up the therapy, Shikamaru. You made him promise to withhold the _one_ piece of information that could've given me the key to _help_ him. And you, if you'd let me." 

He frowned again, pushing away from Kakashi as he regarded his boyfriend with an almost angry look, "But that's just the _thing!_ Tsunade doesn't fucking _count!_ I thought you'd told her _ages_ ago! I only realized you _didn't_ when you started talking about telling Iruka-sensei!" His almost-yelling turned to almost-whispering, "Then I figured you didn't _want_ to tell her… And… That you were ashamed of it… Of _me_ … Because you said that Iruka-sensei'd get mad and you didn't tell the woman and… I dun _no!_ Why is it _all_ on me, _all_ of the time?!" Jumping up, he ran out. They could hear the front door slam shut, running footsteps on the roof above their heads. 

Kakashi sat frozen, the hurt clear on his face. Tsunade wasn't sure what to do, go after Shikamaru or stay with Kakashi. Her indecision must've showed because suddenly one, grey eye turned to her, "Go. He needs you more." 


	103. Only Acting Strong

AUTHORS NOTE: Yes people, I know it's been about forever and a day. Still, here's a new chapter for you all to enjoy. I hope it'll satisfy you till the next time I can update ^,^ 

A huge thanks goes out to my Beta, my girl, the best and most loving girlfriend I could ever hope for: Marina. She really is _awesome_ guys! 

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

Chapter 103: Only Acting Strong

XOXOX

She finally found him – surprisingly enough _not_ in the forest, but in his father's office. Shikaku was out, probably in another meeting, and the brat was calmly sitting in his father's chair, his feet on the desk. Well, ' _calm_ ' probably wasn't the best way to describe the young Nara as he sat nervously fiddling with a wooden puzzle he should've been able to solve in mere minutes, his body trembled ever so slightly, a deep frown on his face. As Tsunade hesitantly entered the office, he looked up, "Leave me alone, will you?" 

"I'd rather not, Shikamaru. Can we talk?" 

Sighing, he lifted his feet from the desk and put the puzzle down, "Do we have to?" 

"No, but still. I'd _like_ to." 

"You always ' _like_ ' to do a lot of things, apparently…" Turning the chair, Shikamaru effectively made sure she couldn´t look him in the eyes anymore. As the young Nara looked out the window his voice sounded almost a little dreamy, "I practically grew up in this office, you know that? He was always dragging me along, showing me the ropes. Got me away from mom at least, so I didn't complain much. Though I'd much rather have been out watching the clouds with Chouji or something, but…" He sighed again, "Guy had a point… Thing is, he taught me all this stuff, right? How to assign the best squad to a mission, how to make a detailed analysis and create a plan of attack based off that, how to best keep track of everyone's specialties and stuff… He just never taught me the important stuff. How to say what you mean when it's personal, how to deal with people you don't want to deal with when you're not in a professional setting, how to…" He snorted, " _Love_. Probably figured mom would, but since I was never home, she didn't. And now everyone expects me to be able to do all that stuff, but…" Turning the chair back to her, Shikamaru finally looked her in the eyes and Tsunade couldn't ignore the tear-stained cheeks, the wetness in his eyes, "I _can't_ , okay? I never learned how…" 

Swallowing against the lump in her throat she closed the door to the office, calmly turning the lock. She slowly approached the young man. Realizing that he would never allow her to touch him now, Tsunade sat herself down in one of the chairs across from Shikaku's desk, "Then allow yourself time to learn it now. Allow people to _help_ you. I know Kakashi's important to you –" 

"Not important, woman. He's _everything,"_ He whispered, picking up the puzzle once more. 

"That's kind of the problem, Shikamaru. He's _more_ than important to you, but Kakashi can't be the only person you interact with. It's going to kill him eventually – maybe not literally, but –" 

"I know…" 

Tsunade softly shook her head, smiling a little, "So with you it's either seeing you walk off every couple of minutes or getting interrupted at every sentence?" 

He shrugged, "Maybe… Sorry. I'll try to stop…" 

"It's okay I guess… I'm just happy you're trying to talk to me. Even though it's so hard. And I really _do_ see that it's hard for you – I just don't really know how to help make it easier yet." 

Shrugging again, his tone was quiet, "I'm still not sure if I _want_ you to know…" 

"Alright, I get that. I'm just 'the woman' to you, aren't I?" 

"No… You're the one that's helping Kakashi. But I don't need that kind of help. I just…" Finally, he looked up, worrying the inside of his lip for a moment, "I just need time, okay? And you're expecting me to be this well-adjusted, freaking _adult_. But I'm _not._ I'm _not_ your regular fifteen-year-old, but I'm not stupid enough to think that I've got everything figured out either. But I can't tell Kakashi that, because he's going to go back to thinking this was a bad idea after all and I don't want _that_ either. So I'm faking it, and mostly… That works, you know? But then you go and act like the fucking _therapist_ again and –…" 

Suddenly, Shikamaru got up. Walking over to the bookcase, he seemed to study the titles for a few minutes. Tsunade simply waited, if he needed a little time she would give him that. It was the least she could do after all the times she'd made him feel pushed into a corner. 

Suddenly the young man turned back at her, eyes restlessly searching her face, "You scare the fucking crap out of me, okay?" 

XOXOX 

Just as he finished putting the clean dishes back in the cupboards there was a distinctive knock on the door. Iruka smiled.  
 _Izumo's here. Hmmm… Can't wait…  
_

Walking over to the door, he could already feel his body's response and Iruka smiled brightly.  
 _I know I only saw him yesterday, and still… I'm excited! Gosh, you'd start to think I have a_ _ **crush**_ _on the guy or something!  
_

Hand on the doorknob, Iruka shivered.  
 _Gosh, no! I'd_ _ **never**_ _… He's good in bed though…  
_

Unconsciously licking his lips, the sensei opened the door, "Hey, Izumo," Stepping back, he let the other man close the door, instead walking back to his room, calling over his shoulder, "You want something to drink?" 

Izumo sighed quietly as he closed the door and shed his sandals and flack vest.  
 _There's always this…_ _ **Ceremony**_ _to this, isn't there? Always have a drink first, always wait for Iruka to make the first move, always do whatever_ _ **he**_ _wants –_ _ **however**_ _he wants it… I'm fine with most of it, just not… The drinks.  
_ "Eh… I'm actually, _heh_ , I'm not really thirsty, Choco…"  
 _Please accept it? Please? No more drinks, no more talks, no more innocent touches that set my entire body on fire and above_ _ **all**_ _else: No. More._ _ **Winking**_ _._

"Are you sure?" 

_And now he sounds hurt… Damnit!  
_ "Do I need a reason not to be thirsty…? I just…" Swallowing, he stood in the entrance to Iruka's room, a slight frown on his brow.  
 _I'm so sorry, Iruka… I just… Can't. I can't do this anymore! I know you're only trying to be nice, to be_ _ **friends**_ _, but… I don't want that, Choco… I… I want_ _ **you**_ _…  
_

"Oh… Okay…" Leaning his hip against the counter, Iruka almost absentmindedly put the two glasses he'd already grabbed back in the cupboard.  
 _Does he just want to get down to business then? I mean, I guess I'm okay with that… If it's not like, every time…_

XOXOX

"Why do I scare you, Shikamaru?" Tsunade was shocked, she thought he _hated_ her, not _feared_ her… 

"Cause, given enough time… You were gonna figure me out… I'm not an _idiot_ , Tsunade… I already knew that Kakashi was in danger just by… Loving me, I guess. And the fact that we… He's fucking a minor, that's statutory rape, right? Because according to the _law,_ I'm not old enough to consent yet. I knew that all along, before I even… Well, whatever. It doesn't matter anymore I guess… But mostly, I didn't want to tell anyone because I was scared that he'd get in trouble for it. So I told him I needed a little time – which wasn't even a lie or anything, but I just…" He turned back to her, "You were right, I didn't plan on telling anyone. Not until I turned seventeen and Kakashi couldn't get in trouble anymore. I know the law, I checked it. At seventeen, I'm legally considered an adult. That's why nowadays, you can't make jounin before you're seventeen. And I really _was_ scared they'd pull us apart – but more because it would probably mean that Kakashi would be thrown in jail. He's not cut out for that, Tsunade. Throw the guy in jail and you'd end up with a monster. He wouldn't even be human anymore. Sentence depends on severity – he'd probably get out in about ten to fifteen years. And then he wouldn't be _Kakashi_ anymore," Sighing, Shikamaru walked back to the desk chair, dropping his body in the leather cushions he muttered, "And the guy complains about his _back_ … Got the freaking _best_ chair in the entire office and he complains about his fucking _back_ …" 

Tsunade couldn't help but chuckle, "He threw out his back years ago, Shikamaru. It's not his fault not a single chair is actually comfortable for long stretches of time… But as far as the rest of it goes… I think I'm finally starting to understand now. There's a lot that you don't tell Kakashi isn't there?" 

The young Nara only shrugged again, picking up the puzzle once more. Within seconds he got frustrated with the thing, hurling it across the room. 

"Careful please, I'd like to keep my head intact if you don't mind!" Startled, she stared at him. 

But Shikamaru smirked, "Calculate the trajectory before you throw stuff. It _really_ upsets people when moderately heavy or sharp objects fly right past them." 

"Yeah… You got _that_ right…" 

"Like I said, I was trained by my dad," His smirk turned into a wicked grin, "Only I'm better at it." 

XOXOX

"Choco… I didn't mean to hurt you, I just… I'm not thirsty, you know?"  
 _Actually, by now my mouth is so dry it's almost impossible to talk, but… I can't do it, Choco! I'm so sorry… You never wanted any of this, did you? You just… Want to have a good time. And here I am, fucking that up…  
_

Letting out a quaky breath, Iruka came to a decision. Quickly walking over and stepping into the older man's personal space like he'd done the first time. His tone a hoarse whisper, breath tickling Izumo's ear, "Then what do you want to do now, Sugar?" 

He swallowed, but his mouth was too dry, almost making him wish he'd gone for the usual drink after all. But Izumo had made his decision before coming over today.  
 _I'll give you everything I can, Choco. But I can't be your friend, I can't go through that again. I know you won't understand and if I tell you, you'd probably call the whole thing off. But I can't let you do_ _ **that**_ _either. I can't not touch you, I can't bear the thought of not being allowed to watch you sleep anymore. You've given me everything – except for the one thing that I want most of all: Your love. But I won't ask what you can't give. And so…  
_ Tilting his head a little, he gingerly placed a soft kiss on the taller man's lips. Hesitantly pulling back again, he whispered, "Something like this maybe?" 

Iruka smiled softly, holding back his chuckles.  
 _So he's finally taking charge, huh? Darn, that's hot… Okay, but he's probably psyched himself up for that, so it wouldn't be fair to go and laugh now, even though I_ _ **really**_ _feel like just throwing my head back and laughing my ass off! I'm just… Happy right now. Okay, so we won't have a chat first, I can live with that. I can live with Izumo trying to work out how to slip into the role here. If that means we skip a chat – I can deal with that. Although I really like just sitting and chatting too. I didn't even know how much I missed having a friend to just talk to without worrying he's going to hurt himself after I leave until I met Izumo…  
_ "Oh, I could _definitely_ go for _that_ …" Flashing a wink, he quickly recaptured Izumo's lips, kissing the older man passionately. When they finally pulled apart, he gently took hold of one of Izumo's hands, squeezing just a little. Iruka's voice was quiet as he spoke, "I think I _like_ it when you take charge like this, Tiger…" 

_He does? Why didn't I ever_ _ **realize**_ _? And he's calling me Tiger, too. He only calls me that when I'm… Yeah, when I'm taking charge! So all I have to do is act as if I know what the hell I'm doing? I mean, by now I kind of_ _ **do**_ _, but I never wanted him to feel like I forced myself on him. But if he_ _ **likes**_ _that…  
_ Brushing his hair to the side, Izumo licked his lips in anticipation.  
 _I can_ _ **certainly**_ _do that for you, Choco._

XOXOX

"You know…" Shikamaru had taken a seemingly random book out of the bookcase, opening it arbitrarily, "You keep calling me selfish, keep saying that I'm forcing Kakashi to make allowances for my selfishness. But the thing is…" 

Turning a page, the young man seemed completely engrossed in the book for a few minutes. Tsunade sighed quietly.  
 _Well, this is getting old fast… Will you please just decide what you're gonna do? Talk or read, figure it out, Shikamaru. I'm tired, hungry and I have a stack of paperwork that's taller than you are and – Oh, who am I kidding? If he needs this, I'm just going to wait for him anyway. Why the hell should I think I have any right to complain? I got what I wanted didn't I? He's talking to me, he's just going his own pace. And if I can't even deal with something like that, I don't deserve to call myself a therapist.  
_

"It works both ways, you know? Yes, you do. But you don't seem to put two and two together so I'll explain it to you anyway," He turned another page, but this time didn't stop talking, "I'm selfish because I'm always over there, right? I'm always there because the one time I _wasn't_ , I had to clean the wounds he put on his own body. And I'm selfish because I don't want to talk to anyone but him, right? I don't wanna, because I'm scared I'll forget how to talk to _him._ There's a trick to it. You have to be aware of the things _behind_ the things that he's actually saying _._ Kakashi's like a puzzle, the best one I've ever had because he keeps changing. Just when I think I've figured the guy out, he turns and makes me start all over again. People are too easy to figure out, but even though I _know_ the guy, _really_ know the guy – I still can't always figure everything about him out. D'you know how _rare_ that is? So far I've only ever met four people that I can't see through. And I'm pretty sure that I can't do it with mom because I don't want to, and dad just plays the same mind tricks as I do, so it's no fun to try. You scare the crap out of me _because_ I can't figure you out, but at the same time I don't really wanna try because I'd have to let you get closer for me to be able to try, and I'm pretty sure I don't want that. But Kakashi's as close as can be, and believe me I've _tried,"_ Looking up from the book, he gave her a delighted smile, "I love that. I know what he wants, I know what he needs. But he can still surprise me. No-one else can. Not while still making me feel this safe. And I _am_. I'm completely safe when I'm around him. Even when he's completely shattered, Kakashi will never hurt me _._ He may hit me, or try to push me away – but that's not really Kakashi. So _Kakashi_ won't hurt me. You do. Mom does. Even dad – he tries to avoid it, but it's forced. He doesn't understand that if he'd just stop trying so hard, we'd probably be fine. We were fine earlier today, when he found me in the Forest. You sent him after me, didn't you?" 

Tsunade swallowed, the wave of information too much to be completely absorbed right now. Still, she nodded, trying to keep up with the young genius, "Yes, I asked him to check the Forest. I told him you and Kakashi'd had some words, that I thought you were probably _both_ anxious about me wanting to talk to you together. But –" 

"It's not that though. I wasn't so much anxious or anything. But…" Suddenly, the Nara blinked, smiling a little, "I promised I wouldn't interrupt you again, and I did it anyway… Sorry, I'll stop now," Looking a little embarrassed, he walked back to the chair, laying the book down on the desk before sitting down. 

Tsunade chuckled, "No, please go on." 

"Right… I was scared about what you were gonna ask, because… Well, like you said, there's a lot that I'm not telling him. Mostly because it'd only upset the guy, but some things I just don't wanna talk about at all. And you have this nasty habit of asking the wrong questions…" 

"Shikamaru, don't you mean the _right_ ones?" Smiling, she watched as the Nara flushed. 

"Maybe… But right for you is wrong for me. When it comes to Kakashi at least… Too much that I can't let him know, too much that would fuck everything up." 

"He may be stronger than you think, Shikamaru. And even if he's not, I'm there as well, remember? I think he'd worry a lot less if he knew you didn't want to tell anyone because you were scared for him, for example." 

"Maybe… But that just opens the door to so many other things, you know…" Looking away, he picked up the book again, turning the chair a little so she only saw his left side as he read. 

"Like what?"  
 _I think I can still talk to him when he's doing that, right? Can't hurt to try at least… I hope.  
_

"Like the fact that he scares me sometimes… But not like he's gonna hurt _me_ , I'm scared he'll hurt _himself_ again. He got real upset when I had to fix him up, I don't want him to realize it got to me just as much. He'd never trust me to do that again, and he'd rely on Iruka-sensei again and that's just mean. I can sort of put it out of my head after it's done, partition my mind so I don't think about it until I'm ready to think about it. Iruka-sensei can't. I'm not sure how Gai-sensei deals with it, but he does alright, apparently. I don't really know how _you_ do it either, but I guess I can't really understand anyway. I'm used to my own way of doing things, and it works for me," Shikamaru shrugged a little, "So there's no need to worry him. But if he starts finding stuff like that out, it's only a matter of time before he figures it all out, and then he's gonna break again and he won't let me near him when he does. That much I know for sure. I'm 'Cuteness' – never the guy that's able to deal with it. I know he _says_ I can and deep down he knows it. But he can't accept it because he's always scared that he's _corrupting_ me or something," Looking up, the young man gave her a sarcastic smirk, "He _is,_ though." 

"You're talking about the sex?" 

"That too. But mostly…" Sighing, he put the book down once more, folding his fingers into a tent and placing his elbows on the desk. Pursing his lips a little, Shikamaru thoughtfully tapped them with his fingers for a few minutes, clearly lost in thought, "I'm suddenly running in circles that're… Not exactly healthy. Seeing stuff I shouldn't see, hearing stuff I shouldn't hear," A light chuckle, "Doing stuff I shouldn't be doing. I know all that. I'm fifteen, not twenty-nine. Kakashi doesn't realize half the time, I'm sure. But I do. I know I shouldn't be… Let's call it _exploring_ as much as I am. It's… Bordering on perversion. And of course, that's to be expected – I'm dating a known pervert, aren't I? But there's Iruka-sensei too and Izumo. Gai-sensei. Kakashi seems to believe that I don't understand what brought on his little… _Episode_ , back then. He was imagining Iruka-sensei and Izumo together, I know. I don't really care about it, but Kakashi seems to be worried that I'd hold it against him. While I… Have to admit it's a pretty tempting thought. But I can't tell him that, because he got too worked up over it and now the entire topic is taboo. If he'd just _spoken_ with me, it's likely that none of this would've happened. But no. He spoke to _you_ ," Suddenly, Shikamaru frowned, "And you _broke_ him." 

XOXOX 

" _Damn_ …" Iruka panted. His body was spent, his limbs still shaking a little. Looking over at the man laying by his side, he smiled a little tiredly, "That was _amazing_ …" 

_Still using foul language, I see… Does that mean I did alright then? Guess so… He's looking exhausted though.  
_ Smiling back, Izumo tried to steady his own breathing enough so he could make some actual words come out, but he found he was completely out of breath. So he only smiled, rolling over to his side and bringing up one hand to caress the side of the sensei's face.  
 _I can touch you now, I can do all the things I dream about when I lay awake at night. Right now, I can. Because you'll let me. After, there's a few minutes where you'll let me. I don't think I even_ _ **realized**_ _how much I was actually_ _ **living**_ _for those few minutes…  
_

Leaning into the older man's touch a little, Iruka's smile widened.  
 _I love it when he does little things like this… For a few minutes after, he's so sweet. So nice to me that I can almost start to believe that he actually_ _ **cares**_ _about me… Not just as a friend or a fuck buddy, but…_ _ **Real**_ _caring. Like Kakashi does too, in a different way. Kakashi's like the big brother I never had, and Izumo… Izumo's a little like the boyfriend that I'll never have. But only for a few minutes, then he starts to talk about leaving again…_  
Suppressing a small sigh, he rolled over to his side as well, wrapping his arms loosely around the other man, hoping to snuggle a little before the inevitable disappointment of Izumo's departure. 

Placing a small kiss on slightly sweaty, brown locks, Izumo tried to contain his trembling body.  
 _He's… Cuddling… I can't… I can only take that from Tetsu, or at least… That's what I always thought. But Choco… Choco is… This doesn't feel wrong, like I'm used to from people. He doesn't make me feel trapped, he actually makes me feel… Safe. I can't – I can't stay here. I can't. Oh god, I can't. Before you know it, I'll be blurting out 'I love you'! I can't… I have to go._

Disentangling himself from the younger man, he tried to keep his voice as gentle as he could, "I have to go, Choco…" 

He slowly closed his eyes, rolling on his back as he dropped his arm over his forehead.  
 _There we go…_ _ **That's**_ _the pain I should be getting used to by now…  
_ "Yeah… Sure…" 

Swallowing at the younger man's clear disappointment, he leaned over to place one more kiss on Iruka's lips. But the sensei turned his head away, turned his back to him as he pulled up the sheets, "Good night, Izumo…" 

"Yeah…" He swallowed again, tongue flicking out nervously, "G'night, Choco…"  
 _I should be used to this by now. It shouldn't still hurt like this every single time. I don't want to leave you, Choco. And I hate myself for hurting you like this. But I... Can't stay. I can't. I'm sorry, I'm so,_ _ **so**_ _sorry. I'm not strong enough. I wish I could give you everything you've ever wanted, but… I'm_ _ **so**_ _sorry, Iruka!  
_

XOXOX

"I try my best, Shikamaru. Just like you do. I know I made a mistake back then, and maybe you're right. Maybe if he'd talked to _you_ , all of that wouldn't have happened. But we can never know that for sure, because he _didn't_ talk to you –" 

"Because I was at work," He sighed, "I know. Sometimes I think I shouldn't be doing this…" 

"Doing what? The job or the relationship?" Tsunade frowned a little, this was a bit worrying.  
 _What the hell goes on in that head of his? He was right about Kakashi, you have to pay attention to the things he's not telling you, but even more so the things that he_ _ **is**_ _saying, the_ _ **exact**_ _words to them. But Shikamaru… I can't follow him, and I'm not sure if that's because he's really just too smart, or because we're too different or if it's something else entirely.  
_

"Both," A sad smile tucked at the corners of his mouth, but the young Nara hid it by burying his face in the book once more, "I'm not ready for it. I can't get the guys at work to listen to me and that's annoying but it's also proof. Proof that I'm simply not good enough. Maybe I will be, later. But not now. And I'm definitely never going to be good enough for Kakashi. Iruka-sensei made that perfectly clear…" A small sigh escaped him, and he flipped another page, "He told me that if I ever felt like I was getting in over my head, that I should call him. Gai-sensei said the same thing. You said the same thing. Kakashi told me to get _you_ when things go wrong. No-one seems to believe that I'm good enough…" Another sigh, and the book was put down once more. But Shikamaru still didn't look up at her, folding his arms on the desk, he rested his cheek on them as dark eyes looked out the window, "We're the only ones that know, the only ones that have been allowed in. If you still intent to stick with him, that is.' That's what Iruka-sensei told me. Guy was all but asking me to back the hell off. Even _Kakashi_ said it. Several times over. 'Even when you're too smart for your age, even if you _feel_ older, you're not completely there yet." Suddenly, the Nara heir shot up, anger flaring in dark eyes, "D'you know how it _feels_ when everyone's tryin' to fucking _protect_ you all the time? How the hell am I ever gonna _learn_ anything if all those guys do is try to keep me _safe?!_ " Slouching again, he sighed once more, "You can't learn if you're never allowed to make mistakes. _I_ already don't allow myself to make mistakes, but sometimes I _do._ And I learned from those. I learned a _lot_ from my first mission as team leader. I learned a _lot_ from how I handled everything surrounding Asuma. But now, I'm not even _able_ to make any mistakes anymore, because everyone keeps cleaning up _my_ mess." 

"Like how, Shikamaru?" Tsunade kept her voice deliberately calm, even though the young man worried her a little. But he needed her to be calm now, that much she understood perfectly. 

He sighed deeply, "For example, the way they check my work on the chuunin exams. Now I _get_ that I'm new to this and someone ought to be checking what I do, I _get_ it. But why is it not only dad, but Genma, Raidou, Shizune _and_ Asuma as well?" He shot her a frustrated frown before looking away again, " _Don't_ think I didn't fucking _notice_." 

Tsunade bit down on the nail of her thumb, "Honestly Shikamaru, that was your father's decision. I don't know why he asked all those people."  
 _And I missed two of them… I thought only Raidou and Genma were helping him check the brat's progress… Ears on the ground, he called them. But then… What do Shizune and Asuma do for him?  
_

"You're partially lying. As in, you're not telling me the whole truth. No, don't bother, woman. I'm used to it. Don't go making up more lies to excuse the ones you've already told. I'd see through them anyway. But fine, you want another example? One that doesn't actually involve you in the slightest?" He sighed again, closing the book and returning it to its spot in the bookcase, "Iruka-sensei. He's not telling me the whole story either. I _know_ this. And I even asked Kakashi about it. _He_ wiggled his way out too. So I went to see Gai-sensei," Picking another book, Shikamaru returned to the table. Placing the book on the desk, he rested his hands beside it, leaning his body on his hands and dropping his head, "Kakashi's been suicidal. That's why Iruka-sensei's always so terrified. He's had to wrestle a jounin to get the knife away from him. Gai-sensei didn't exactly _tell_ me, though. I had to lie to him to get the info. Pretend I already knew. But you know what? The guy ain't as dumb as he looks. He figured me out and I got another earful. Again, those three are protecting me. 'Course, I _get_ it. But that's always the way it goes, isn't it? I'm too smart for my own damn good – my mind already makes excuses for all of them before I even get to the whole truth. That _sucks,_ you know that?" Slowly, he sat down, burying his face in his arms on the desk. 

"I can certainly see it…" Cocking her head a little, Tsunade tried to ban the empathy out of her face, but it wasn't working. She'd never really gotten the chance to get to know the young Nara but she'd instantly realized that he was not to be treated like a regular fifteen-year-old. Leaving the problem of _how_ to treat him exactly. Not as an adult, not as a teenager. Apparently, _everyone_ had the same problem. And in the end that resulted in Shikamaru getting hurt even _more_ , "I wish there was a way for everyone else to determine just how much you're ready for, and what we should try to… Keep you away from. I know that sounds a little mean, but –" 

"No. You're right. I've been thinking the same thing. But I don't really know if I'm ready for something before actually testing it either. Which is why I said that the way I'm living right now is unhealthy. Though that's both an _over_ statement and an _un_ derstatement. Weird, huh?" The young man's words and humorless chuckle were slightly muffled by his arms, but there was an undertone in his words that sounded eerily similar to desperation, something that Tsunade didn't fail to notice. 

"Not really… There's things in your current situation that're bordering on dangerous, and there's things that're… Maybe not the best idea but not really a problem either. I get it," Biting down on her nail for a minute, Tsunade regarded the young man before her seriously, "What are some of the things that _you'd_ call unhealthy, Shikamaru?" 

He sighed, looking away, "I don't wanna tell you…" 

"Why not? Are you afraid I'd step in if I knew?" 

"I guess… Besides, what use would it be if you knew anyway? I mean, even if you somehow managed to _not_ interfere…" He shrugged a little uncomfortably. 

"Okay… Let's start with why you think I _would_ step in. I don't really understand where that comes from because so far, I _haven't_ interfered. Even though at some points, I think I probably _should_ have. So why do you think I would now?" 

Another shrug, and Shikamaru rose out of the chair once again. Turning his back on the blonde, he stared out the window, his hands folded behind his back. For a few more minutes, the Nara stayed silent. When he finally spoke, his young voice sounded so utterly exhausted that Tsunade couldn't help but wonder how well he was handling the stress she´d put him under right now. Outwardly, he had always seemed to be doing alright, but the façade was slowly crumbling and it was becoming more and more obvious that it was all a lie. 

"I'm not sure how much of this you actually _realize_ , and I don't really want to make you any wiser. That's Kakashi's job, if he ever gets down to it. I know I sound like I'm keepin' secrets, and maybe I am, but… You're _his_ therapist. And even though I can see why you wanna check in with _me_ as well… That's not actually in the job description. _Kakashi_ isn't even in your job description. You're the _Hokage_ , not some lowly therapist who gets paid to get yelled at every other day. But that's still the role you've accepted and I don't understand _that_ either _._ I can kind of see how he would be interesting from an academic's point of view – guy's so complex after all. But he's yelled at you, _threatened_ you – and I'm no better. I don't get why you persist. _I_ do it because I love him. I love him to the point where I don't even know how I would go on if something happened to him. I don't think I'd _want_ to. But hey," He shrugged lightly, "I've been bored for fifteen years, and now I finally found something that can hold my attention, so… I guess it's all selfishness after all." 

"No, it's not, Shikamaru. Not any more than love already is, anyway. Loving someone _is_ a little selfish at times, but that's normal. And as for why I persist, I love him too. Just in a different way. And _yes,_ Kakashi Hatake is _incredibly_ complex, and thus interesting. Apart from that, there's also no other therapist I'd allow near him. They'd either mess him up even more, or get hurt pretty bad. _Because_ he's so complex. There's several diagnoses that _should_ technically contradict each other, but they coexist almost peacefully inside of him. I constantly find myself unraveling _one_ thing, to get to _another_ thing that's obstructing my view on the thing _behind_ that, which I need to understand. So yes, I can understand why he's the one person that doesn't bore you to death. I'm lucky that I actually know what I'm _looking_ for because the guy could run circles around me. You can too. And you know it, but still… You're not even _trying_ to, are you? You're actually trying to explain what goes on inside of that head of yours – and I think I'm finally starting to understand a little. But please Shikamaru, let me _in_. If you don't want me to interfere, I'll honor that request. Unless I'm absolutely certain that you're in actual danger, I'll keep myself out of it. But if you would tell me what you're struggling with, maybe I can _help_ you." 

"Why? Why do you want to? It makes no _sense_ , woman!" Suddenly turning around, Shikamaru frowned at her, "What could you _possibly_ get out of that? You get your kicks from figuring Kakashi out, you just admitted that. But _I'm_ not layers and layers of _issues_. I'm just…" Swallowing, he turned around again. Almost whispering, "Young… Too young." 

"I want to help you because I care, Shikamaru. Because I realize that you're in an incredibly awkward situation. You say you're faking it, but it's not completely working, is it? Because you can't pull it off convincingly enough. If you _could_ , you wouldn't have had to trick Gai into telling you about Kakashi's suicide attempt. Kakashi probably would've told you _himself_." 

"Possibly… But the thing is… I don't think I should tell you anything. Not because I don't think you can be trusted, by now you've proven it so many times over I'd be an idiot if I hadn't noticed it by now. But… Thing is… What _I_ struggle with is mostly stuff that I _know_ Kakashi hasn't told you much about. And I don't want to get in between that and possibly fuck something up for him. I know there's stuff that he doesn't tell you about because he feels it's… Too private. And frankly, you have no right to stick your nose in there. Not unless he wants you to, because _he's_ fine. I'm not." 

"Shikamaru…" Tsunade sighed softly, "I can separate things, you know that right? Even _if_ it's something that would technically affect the both of you. If it's only _you_ who has a problem with it, I wouldn't bother Kakashi about it without your explicit consent. That's what therapists _do_ , you know. Please just… _Trust_ me, will you?"  
 _Okay, that might've sounded a little desperate. But to be fair, I_ _ **am**_ _. A little. I can easily tell that something is bothering the brat, but he won't talk to me about it, and apparently Kakashi doesn't see the problem. Which is bad any way you look at it. This kid is falling apart. I thought he was doing way better than expected, but… He's faking it! He's bloody faking_ _ **all**_ _of it! Damnit! Why didn't I_ _ **see**_ _that? Was I really so preoccupied with Kakashi that I just forgot about Shikamaru? No way! Right?_ _  
_

"Tsunade… It wouldn't matter. He'd know. He'd know and he'd get mad at _me._ So I can't, okay?" 

There was an obvious strain in the young man's voice, making the blonde wonder if he was actually _crying_ right now. Shikamaru was still facing the window, his own body shielding his reflection from her view. She bit down on the nail of her thumb, trying to think of a way to get around this problem. Shikamaru was clearly convinced that Kakashi would get angry with him, something she couldn't exactly dispute.  
 _I still don't know him well enough to be able to predict what Kakashi would be fine with, and what would be out of bounds…  
_ "Shikamaru, tell me this; Are you actually doing something against your will here?" 

"Not yet. Close enough. The second I do what he's asked me to do, I will be. So I'm putting it off for now. I _want_ to, but there's things to it that I don't want to get acquainted with…" 

"What do you mean?" He tone was soft, caring. Not like she could make herself sound different even if she _tried._

The young man by the window snorted, "Ancient history. Stuff I don't want to know about. Compare it to the first shinobi war. It doesn't help me to know all the details, and they're disgusting and gory. Still, he's basically asking me to read through all that in order to learn what not to do. While I still can't find a manual on what I _should_ do. But this is the best he's got. I know the comparison sounds weird, but if you'd know what I was talking about, you'd get it word for word…" 

"I think I _do_ … Shikamaru –" 

" _Don't!_ " Suddenly turning around, he frowned, "Forget about it. Forget that _and_ that I was ever stupid enough to talk to you. Leave me alone. Dad'll be done soon, and I want to talk to him. So _go_!" He turned back to the window, whispering, "Please just go away…" 

Tsunade slowly closed her eyes, but got up nonetheless, "Alright. But if you ever need me, Shikamaru –" 

"I won't. Kakashi's the one that needs you. I just need you to stay the hell out of my business." 

Footsteps sounded in the hall, and Tsunade opened the door, "Shikaku, hello. Your son apparently wants to talk to you…" Sighing quietly, she left the room, leaving the two men alone.


	104. Moving Forward

AUTHORS NOTE: Sooo…. It was pointed out to me that if Kakashi and Iruka had their little 'moment'- Gai and Kakashi should have one too. So… Here goes! Also here, the utter embarrassment of teenage love and lust. And Ibiki has horrible timing xD 

Here's another chapter Beta'd by ludabayo! ^,^Thank you for all your hard work, sir. 

_**Also, I am terribly, terribly sorry for the delay. Though this chapter was Beta'd already, I lost my actual Beta. Some of you might be aware of the implications of that statement, but let's suffice to say it was no fun. Apart from 'real life' struggles, I wasn't entirely sure if this chapter would actually fit in this place anymore and I had no-one to ask. Eventually I could, and I feel back on track. So, here we go guy's, one chapter of 'Hidden' coming right up!**_

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 104: Moving Forward 

XOXOX

"Gai…" A little surprised, Kakashi stepped back to let his friend in, "What brings you here?" 

Pulling a face, the taijutsu master crossed the threshold, "You, Kakashi. Shikamaru has been shielding you off for too long, I got worried," His tone was serious, sincere. But there was also a fair amount of hurt laced in. 

Appearing in the door to the kitchen, Shikamaru gripped the file in his hands so tight that the paper wrinkled, "I'm sorry, guys… At first, I thought that it'd be best to keep Kakashi isolated for a little while, and he sort of seemed to agree on that, so…" 

"Yeah, I did," Glancing over to his friend who was shedding his sandals, Kakashi frowned lightly, "But Gai isn't someone you should ever try to keep away from me, okay? No matter how bad I get, he can handle it. Better than Iruka can, anyway. But that's just at first though, Shikamaru… That breakdown was a while ago… Wait, is this still about the, eh… Tsunade incident a couple days ago?" 

"Which one? Every time that woman comes over it's an 'incident'…" Sighing, Shikamaru turned away, walking back into the kitchen, "Nah, I know. You mean the one where I was supposed to be here but couldn't, and then she came chasing after me. That was three days ago, Kakashi. I'm okay now. Stop worrying so much, will you? But no, it's not about that, it's… Related though…" 

"What do you mean?" Following his boyfriend into the kitchen, Kakashi almost forgot about Gai's presence for the moment, "Related? What's that supposed to mean, Shikamaru?" 

Another sigh escaped the young Nara, "He's not _stupid_ , Kakashi… Iruka-sensei figured it out, the woman was anything but surprised, my dad…" Biting his lip he looked up at his lover, "I'm pretty sure he's known ever since that idiotic challenge you posed…" 

A little confused, Gai couldn't stop the light chuckle, "What have I known since then, Shikamaru?" 

Ignoring him, Shikamaru extended his hand to his lover, "Your list, if you please." 

"Eh… Sure, I got it right here… Are you thinking what I _think_ you're thinking?" 

"You'll see…" Taking the folded piece of paper that Kakashi had pulled out of his breast pocket, the young Nara laid the file down on the table before unfolding the paper, his eyes quickly scanning Kakashi's handwriting. At the same time, he pulled a folded, crumpled piece of paper out of his own pant pocket, handing it to the silver-haired man. Kakashi smiled, but accepted the paper nonetheless, his eye scanning Shikamaru's handwriting. Many names were crossed out, rewritten, crossed out again. A couple were underlined or encircled and the whole thing was just a mess, right down to the coffee stain on the bottom right corner. 

"Interesting…" He tried to decipher the crossed-out names, but soon found that his young lover had been _very_ thorough with some, leaving the identity of those people up to the copy ninja's own imagination. Shikamaru's list was, of course, considerably shorter than his own, but he found several names that they had both written down, "Here, Gai-sensei." 

Shikamaru blushed, but confirmed, "This says Maito Gai. So…" Looking up, there was a smirk on the Nara's face, "Tea, anyone?"

XOXOX 

"Eh, Lady Tsunade?" As Sakura hesitated at the door to the Hokage's office, she swallowed, "Could I... Could I maybe talk to you about something?" 

Tsunade cocked her head, clearly something was bothering her student, but she had no idea what it could be. Pushing the paperwork aside, she gave the girl a comforting smile, "Sure, come on in." 

"Thank you," Sakura took great care to close the door behind her, walking up to the desk almost as if she expected the thing to turn into a monster and attack. 

"Sakura... Is something wrong?" 

"No... Is, eh... Where's Shizune right now?" She swallowed. 

"She's at a meeting, something boring about how they can turn things around to give me even more paperwork," She winked. 

"Right... That's... Good," Absentmindedly, she tucked a few stray strands of pink hair behind her ear, "I... Uh, I've..." Sakura took a deep breath, speaking quickly before she'd lose her nerve, "Shino Aburame is my boyfriend."  
 _There! I said it! Kya! Take that, there we go!  
_

Tsunade blinked, "I know." 

"Eh... You _do_?" 

A chuckle, "Sakura, the two of you've been spotted all over town! What _I_ want to know is; How did you train him to go shopping with you for an entire day so _soon?!"_

"I... Eh... Didn't..." She felt her cheeks burn, "He... He just _likes_ it... Even more than I do, I think sometimes..." 

The blonde threw her head back and laughed, when she'd finally calmed down again, she found Sakura glaring at her, hands on her hips, "What? It's _funny!_ Most girls would _kill_ for a boyfriend who wants to go shopping with them!" 

Sakura's anger seemed to deflate, "I know... I just... People seem to think it's so _funny_ to see us together, like... Like we're a comedy couple or something..." She bit her lip, staring down at the desk, "But I... I really like him, so..." 

"I can tell, and I don't think you two look funny together," Tsunade said soothingly, "I just think it's funny that Shino is the kind of guy who likes to shop, I would've never guessed." 

"I know..." She sighed, tucking another strand of pink behind her ear, "Milady? There was actually..." He voice trailed off and she turned toward the window. A shaky breath escaped the girl before she tried again, "I wanted to ask you about something, only... Only... I think... Maybe... I'm pretty sure it's... The most embarrassing thing I've ever... Eh..." She swallowed, staring at the city streets below. 

Tsunade stood up, standing beside the girl, she studied their reflections in the glass before them, "Sakura, this doesn't have anything to do with Shino being a _boy_ , does it?" 

"It... Sorta does..." 

"Alright," Tsunade's hesitation was slight; the girl beside her didn't even notice, "Do we need to talk about birth-control?" 

"What?!" Sakura jumped back, " _No!_ " 

Tsunade chuckled, a little relieved as she turned to look at the pinkette, "Then what?" 

Swallowing, she studied the floor, "I... Before we got together... We were friends first, you see, and, I used to lock my arm in his, you know?" She looked up now, an unreadable expression on her face. Tsunade just nodded, so far, she didn't see the problem. But Sakura seemed to see it, "Well... He confessed to me first, and after that..." She stared off in space for several long seconds, "At first, I sort of rejected him, but we stayed friends. Only... He didn't want me to touch him anymore, and I didn't understand that, because I was sort of going through a lot, with Kakashi-sensei being hurt and all..." She looked away again, cheeks burning, "Eventually, eh... Iruka-sensei, he saw us at a teahouse together and... Well, he seemed to understand what was wrong and... Well, he, eh... _Explained_." 

Tsunade wracked her brain, but she couldn't for the life of her grasp what the girl was talking about, her tone soft as she asked for clarification. Sakura all but jumped, staring at her master with fear in her eyes, silently pleading with Tsunade to just understand, but the blonde only shrugged.  
Eventually, Sakura all but turned away from her, her voice barely above a whisper as she spoke, "That Shino, eh... That he... That when I got close, he... Uh... That he had a, eh," She swallowed, " _Physical_ reaction..." 

Tsunade blinked, almost chuckling, "You mean an erection?" 

Sakura visibly gulped, "Ye-yeah..." 

"Okay... So how did you deal with that?" 

"Well, eh... Right after that conversation, he left with Kakashi-sensei and Neji on that mission... So I didn't see him for a while and... I'm sorry Milady, I lied to you. I wasn't just worried about Kakashi-sensei, although I really _was_ worried about him, but... I was also thinking about Shino...That's why I didn't get all my work done in time," She conceded. 

"I already knew that, Sakura. Why did you think I hardly scolded you? There's nothing wrong with having a crush and thinking about him, and you're still so young... I thought I'd give you a little time." 

"Ah... Eh, thanks." 

"Sure," Tsunade gave her an easy smile, but Sakura still wasn't looking her way, instead staring at the wall. 

"Anyway... When Shino came back... We kind of got together. And now I _do_ touch him, and he seems fine with that. So... So the other day I asked him..." She trailed off again, cheeks bright red. 

Tsunade suppressed a smile, she suddenly realized what was coming, and it was getting increasingly hard not to laugh, "You asked him if he still got a boner from you being so close?" 

Sakura swallowed, "Yes..." 

"Does he?" 

"Ye-yes..." 

"Where are we going with this, Sakura?" Tsunade bit her lip, trying _so_ hard not to laugh out loud. 

"I guess... I wanted to know how to... Eh... _Help_ him with that..."

XOXOX

Genma looked up from his carving, giving his best friend a lazy smile, "So, how's it going?"

Raidou shot him a confused look before flopping down beside him on the wooden bench just outside Hokage Tower, "Fine..." 

"Right... That's Raidou speak for 'fucked,' right?" 

The scarred man sighed, "Man... I _wish_..."

XOXOX

After Gai was ushered over to the bedroom, the two lovers spoke in hushed voices, "I thought you said you wanted to have a 'plan of attack' for each and every one of them?" 

"Babe… He already figured it out, we're only confirming here. And… I dunno, Gai-sensei's an okay guy, I guess. But this time I really wanna be in there because…" He frowned lightly, "I can't explain it. Iruka-sensei… That was because you _needed_ it, and besides he still scares the crap out of me sometimes –" 

"Wait, _Iruka_? He _scares_ you? Ruka's like the sweetest guy _ever_ …" Chuckling, he put the kettle on before moving to grab the cups, "You want tea or something else?" 

"I'll get some apple juice. But yeah, he scares me, okay? You try being in that classroom, under the sole guidance of Iruka-sensei for years and tell me he's the sweetest guy ever. I know he's great, and yeah, he's a good guy and I'll just take your word on 'sweet' because I don't even really know what you _mean_ by that, but… I dunno… I've seen him get mad at the weirdest stuff, you know? Gai-sensei's more… I dunno, I just realized that there's this whole other side to the guy, I guess. That he's not always yelling and that he can be serious and stuff and…" His whisper turned even softer and the young man looked away, "He kinda makes me feel safe, I guess…" 

Blinking, Kakashi let the words sink in for a moment, dropping the tealeaves in two cups, "You mean you're not as afraid that he's going to be judgmental about this?" 

"I guess… Look, I don't wanna talk about it anymore, okay?" Grabbing his glass of juice off the counter where he'd put it, Shikamaru turned on his heels and headed for the bedroom, leaving a chuckling Kakashi behind.

XOXOX 

One eyebrow quirked, "You wanna jerk him off?" 

Before her, the girl bit her lip, nodding ever so slightly. 

_Well... I'd have never thought I'd see the day...  
_

XOXOX 

Walking into the bedroom, he found his friend sitting on the chair as expected, and his boyfriend on the bed – also as expected. But what Kakashi _hadn't_ expected was the sight of his lover perched on the edge of the bed, leaning over as he animatedly talked to Gai about something that'd happened at the office. Usually, he'd only talk about his work in short phrases, giving as little details as he could. It made the man happy to see Shikamaru like this. Kakashi'd never minded that his boyfriend didn't really want to talk about work with him – apart from the feeling he sometimes had that the younger man was attempting to keep both sides of him completely separated. But apparently, the Nara had finally found someone to talk to about this. Not just complain about the paperwork and his colleagues that were anything but cooperative, but the good moments as well. To be honest, Kakashi couldn't care much less about the administrative side to the shinobi life, but it was clear to him that Shikamaru _did_ – to some degree – enjoy it. This was one of the few real differences they had between them, and somehow it only made Shikamaru more precious to the silver-haired man. 

As he handed Gai his cup, his friend gave him a quick wink before laughing at the conclusion of Shikamaru's story. Kakashi could feel himself smile too, not because of the story, but because of the clear happiness in this room. Setting his own cup in the windowsill, he sat down beside Shikamaru. Almost frowning for a moment as he tried to come up with a way to bring Gai the news that – according to Shikamaru – wouldn't be news. His hand instinctively reached for the cigarettes. 

His eyes followed Kakashi's entrance into the bedroom, followed every move of the lean man's form. His mind partitioned off the part that kept the story going, keeping up the appearance that he was wholly focused on that. He knew it probably wouldn't fool Kakashi, maybe not Gai-sensei either, but that wasn't the point. The point was simply to keep the situation going as he figured out how to get from _here_ to _there_. With 'there' being: Letting Gai know about 'us' with as little fuss as humanly possible. Kakashi sat down next to him, unmoving for almost two seconds before his hand reached for the smokes. The action seemed almost mechanical, and Shikamaru understood that Kakashi's thoughts were focused on the same thing his own were. A quick glance over at the man before them showed that Gai was completely relaxed, and somehow, Shikamaru knew for a fact that this man would have no objections. Not to any of it. Of course, 'somehow' was comprised out of a lot of little facts that he knew about this man, a lot of things that relied heavily on suspicion as well. But Shikamaru was rarely wrong about people, so he decided to just… _Go_ for it. Dealing with consequences was for later. Right now, he felt like taking a chance. 

"Babe," His voice didn't come out as strong as he'd intended, but it had the desired effect. Kakashi turned to him so fast his head was probably spinning, and out of the corner of his eye he saw that Gai had the tiniest of smiles on his face – the man was clearly attempting to keep his face in check.  
 _See? I was right. Gai-sensei is currently working off the assumption that I slipped up, Kakashi's in shock and I am in full control. I like this. It'll be fine. I'm rested up, relaxed and sure of myself once more. Those two guys are in for a little peek into the mind of a Nara on a personal mission. We never back down, guys. As Kakashi already knows, we pick a target, a strategy and conquer!  
_

All this happened in a split second, and Shikamaru smirked, reaching out and grabbing his boyfriend's shirt he pulled Kakashi closer. In almost-slow-motion he saw his lover's eye widen as realization finally dawned. But even if Kakashi _wanted_ to stop what Shikamaru had planned, he was too late now. Firmly planting his lips against Kakashi's covered ones, Shikamaru had to bite back his chuckle. 

His boyfriend gasped, and on the chair, Gai chuckled. Smirking, he pulled back, licking his lips in a way that he didn't even realize looked so seductive. Shikamaru was acting on instinct alone, and loving every moment of it. Seconds were sliced so thin that everything around him was happening in slow-motion, just the way he liked it. Thriving on the adrenaline that these kinds of moments brought, Shikamaru always felt best at the times where split-second decisions were all he had – especially when they turned out right, like this one. As he calmly leaned back on his hands, time started catching up again and the moment was gone, but it would be forever etched in the young Nara's mind. Every single moment that lasted for less than a second was an image that he would be able to pull back up whenever he wanted. Like photographs, he could pick them up and look at them, studying each and every one in peace and quiet when this was all over and done with. But for now, the events he'd set in motion were still being played out, and Shikamaru honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd had this much fun.  
 _No wait, I_ _ **can**_ _. Last time I had so much fun was when I had Kakashi in the kitchen, completely under my control. When I could hear every breath he took, see every little detail of his expression, his body. Last time I had so much fun was the last time that the seconds drew themselves out to resemble minutes. The last time that time slowed down and I could move in between the seconds as if there were no constraints. I love it when I manage to make that happen…  
_

Gai's smile widened, and suddenly the large man burst out into laughter. The smug expression on Shikamaru's face, the obvious shock on Kakashi's – it was just too funny. Kakashi was stuttering, bright-red as he looked from Shikamaru to Gai and back again, not a single word falling from his lips was understandable. As Gai calmed down again, comfortably leaning back against the chair, his best friend still hadn't managed to pull himself together, shock now mixed in with but a little fear and a _lot_ of embarrassment. 

One more light chuckle escaped the taijutsu master, his tone light as he spoke, "So _that_ is what you were talking about earlier. Shikamaru is right though, I knew since the day you challenged me to reveal our best kept secrets. Am I correct in assuming that it was the same night the two of you got together?" 

Kakashi swallowed, "We don't… Actually talk about that…" 

"When we got together exactly and the manner in which we did is something between the two of us, Gai-sensei. Whether you are right or not; You'll never hear it." 

"Fair enough," He winked, "Iruka has already known for a while though, hasn't he?" Gai's tone was soft and he almost managed to hide the pain behind his words. Almost. 

Kakashi nodded, "He has. I'm sorry for not including you sooner, my friend." 

"I get it," Shaking his head a little, Gai decided to change the subject, "So this is why you've yet to go home, Shikamaru?" 

The young Nara shrugged, taking a sip of his juice, "I _am_ home. Maybe not everybody sees it that way, but I do. Kakashi does too, right?" Suddenly a little unsure, he looked up at the older man, but Kakashi gave him a reassuring smile, pulling down the mask as his hand reached for his tea. 

"As far as I'm concerned, yes. But you're right, not everyone sees it that way…" 

Suddenly, Shikamaru got up. Looking Gai straight in the eyes, his tone was slightly careful, "I was right, wasn't I? You don't mind?" 

Frowning a little in confusion, Gai leaned back on the chair again, oddly feeling just a little bit intimidated by the younger man's posture, "I don't. Why would I?" 

But Shikamaru shook his head, "Never mind. I still have work to do though, so I'm gonna go back to that, okay?" He didn't wait for an answer, exiting the bedroom and returning to the pile of files on the kitchen table. 

Kakashi sighed softly, his face a little glum as he stared into his teacup, "I need a drink…" Looking up, he caught his friend's amused expression, "Care to join me?"

XOXOX

"Sakura," She suppressed another chuckle, "What's this all of the sudden? Did he ask you –" 

Eyes wide she looked up, " _No!_ I just... I guess... I know it's kinda awkward for him, but _... I'm_ causing it, aren't I?" 

Tsunade smiled, "That's a _good_ thing, you know..." 

"Maybe... But... Shino, he... Eh, he doesn't like me asking about it or anything... Isn't that a little strange, though?" 

"No," The older woman walked over to her, softly placing a hand on Sakura's shoulder, "It _is_ a little embarrassing for most guys. Especially when they haven't yet been with someone for very long. And Shino is still young, and a very private person at that." 

"But he's not, not really... We can talk about _anything_. Just not..." She looked away again, mumbling about how she shouldn't have even asked. 

"Sakura..." Tsunade was interrupted by a knock on the door, " _What?!"_

Ibiki walked in, looking stoic as ever, "I have some reports for you, Lady Hokage. Would you like to go over them together?" 

Tsunade sighed, wiping a hand over her eyes, "Ibiki... You always have the _worst_ timing, did you know that?" 

"I didn't. I'm sorry. However –" 

" _However_ ," Tsunade said slowly, "I'll look them over with you, _after_ I get back. I have something to discuss with my student, you see, and it really can't wait." 

"Milady –" But Sakura stopped talking as Tsunade's hand squeezed her shoulder almost painfully tight. 

"I will call you when I get back, Ibiki. Would that be alright with you?" 

He bowed his head, "As you wish, Lady Hokage." 

After the man had left, Tsunade turned to her student once more, "What do you say, wanna get out of here? We're only going to get interrupted again if we stay here, so I vote we find ourselves a nice bar –" 

"No bars..." Sakura sighed, "I know a nice teahouse, it has privacy booths, so... If we really need a place to talk about, eh... _This_ , then..." 

The blonde nodded, turning to scribble a quick note to leave on her desk before walking out with the pinkette, her arm draped over the girl's shoulders, "Let's go have some tea, then." 

XOXOX

"I think there may be something you're not telling me, my friend," Kakashi winked at him, calmly taking a sip of shochu. 

Chuckling, he replied, "Is that why you dragged me out here, Kakashi? Because you believe I am keeping a secret?" 

"No…" Smiling, he put the glass back down, "But you see, the thing is… And correct me if I'm wrong, but… _You're_ dating someone too, aren't you?" 

Calmly leaning back in the cushions of the couch in their privacy booth, he raised his eyebrows, "That's no secret, my rival. Yes, I am dating," Gai's expression turned even warmer, a fond twinkle in his eyes, "Anko Miterashi. She's… Amazing." 

"So you finally went for it, huh? Figured you would…" Leaning back a little, Kakashi smiled at his oldest friend, "Ever since that night, here in this exact same booth… That night where you proved to me once again what an incredible friend you are… I'm sorry for keeping you out of the loop, Gai. I really am." 

"I understand," His tone was a little sad, "I am not the person you think of seeing when you need someone to talk to. I've always known that, Kakashi." 

"But you _are_ ," Suddenly leaning over the table, he grabbed his friend's shoulder, "You _are_ , Gai. You're one of my best friends, you're the only person in the entire fucking _world_ who's _always_ stuck by me. I _do_ seek you out when I need to talk, it's just that the last couple of years I didn't _want_ to talk because I was scared that people would be disgusted with me…" Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Kakashi let go of Gai's shoulder, rested back into the cushions, "The _only_ reason I told Iruka and not you is Shikamaru. _He_ didn't feel safe. _He_ only trusted Iruka," Kakashi sighed, "He didn't even trust his _own_ best friend, Gai… I'm almost starting to think he never will… He said that he was _my_ dirty little secret, but it's the other way around… I think that if it were all up to him, Cuteness would never tell _anyone_ and just live in this fairytale that he could have two completely separate lives…" 

Cocking his head at his best friend's sad tone, Gai softly clucked his tongue, "That's pretty bad… I know he is young still, but that does not mean that he can just pretend all the time. Shikamaru should know this. He is no regular teenager and he is _certainly_ not dumb. In all honestly Kakashi, I do not believe that he is trying to live this fantasy you speak of… I believe he knows quite well what is going on, he simply has another reason. Most likely… He was attempting to _protect_ you." 

Chuckling humorlessly, the silver-haired man shook his head a little, "Doubt it. He was too scared, no way he was thinking _that_ far ahead, Gai. I know he's known for thinking ahead, but… You didn't see him that morning, " Smiling a little embarrassedly, he added, "Thank god…" 

"What do you mean?" There was a confused smile on the taijutsu master's face. 

"He… Well…" Sighing, he pulled up his mask before opening the door to their little booth, waving a waiter over to order another round. After the waiter had left, and the door was closed once again, Kakashi took a deep breath, not daring to look at his friend, "Gai… You don't actually, eh… _Know_ much about, eh… Well, what two guys… _Do,_ together, do you?" 

Blinking, he shook his head a little before realizing his friend probably couldn't even see, Kakashi was still staring down at the table after all, "Not in detail, no," Gai's tone was soft, "Does it even _matter_ , my friend? What you and your boyfriend do together is not really any of my business, now is it?" 

" _No_ … But… Well, you see, the thing is… If you'd _seen_ Shikamaru that morning, without… You know, knowing what'd _happened_ , you'd… Eh, you'd probably have beaten the crap out of me for hurting him…" He muttered. 

Gai chuckled, "No, I don't think I would have. I realize I do not know _much_ about it, but I _do_ understand that, with _certain_ activities, there is some _…_ Pain, involved. At first at least. I am not an ignorant _fool_ , Kakashi," Laughing, he emptied his glass, still chuckling as the waiter knocked on the door before coming in to bring them their order. 

"Eh… Yeah…" Swallowing, he finally lifted his gaze. Gai was still chuckling lightly, lifting his beer to his lips. Taking another deep breath, he pulled the mask down once more, "Look it's not… _Bad_ , or anything… I mean… Yeah okay, it kind of hurts like hell the next morning, but… Well… I mean… He knew that going in, you know? And… It's just…" 

"It is alright, Kakashi. You do not need to explain your actions that night. I know you love him, you would not intentionally _hurt_ him," The corners of his mouth twitched a little and he added, "Apparently it's simply a side effect of love." 

Blinking, he sat the glass that he'd lifted to take a sip back down, "Gai…? Is Anko… Eh… Is she?" 

"Is she what? Hurting me?" Laughing, the man leaned his arms on the table, "No, Kakashi! She is _not_ hurting me. Although…" His tone turned a little thoughtful, "Blue balls hurt…" 

"Wait, what? You two _still_ haven't –" 

" _No_. And that's all I'll say about that," Gai winked, "I am a gentleman, after all." 

"Right…" Kakashi's tone was sarcastic, as was his smirk, "Gai the Gentleman. I have to admit, 't has a nice ring to it…" 

Shooting his best friend a mock glare, Gai picked up his beer again. After he put the glass back down, he looked thoughtful for a moment, "Kakashi… Tell me something… The last time we sat here, that time that Shikamaru was with us and you used a challenge to soften the blow of coming out to me…" 

"What about it?" Lifting his shochu to his lips, he gave the man a quizzical look. 

"Well, first of all; You purposely got me drunk that night, didn't you?" 

"Eh… I paid the bill though… That should count for something, right?" 

Gai chuckled, "I did not say I _minded_ , Kakashi. But you did, then. You poured so much liquor down my throat that I would not be able to draw any of the obvious conclusions. You failed, my friend," Winking, the taijutsu master continued, disregarding the shocked expression on his friend's face, "I always keep a bottle of orange juice in my fridge, Kakashi. And it's not as if I've never needed to quickly sober myself up before. So you failed. And I drew the conclusions that you did not want me to draw." 

The silver-haired man forced his voice to come out even, forced himself to look and sound as if he had everything under control, "What conclusions…?" 

Gai's tone was soft, warm, "He made his move that night, did he not my friend? That morning you referred to was the morning I was nursing a hangover from your insistence that I drink more." 

For a few heartbeats, Kakashi just stared at him. Shock and terror and shame fighting for control over his features. When he eventually spoke, his tone was evasive, "No-one knows when we got together exactly, Gai. I have no idea why you would think something like that. It's not even like you have any reason to think that and –" 

"He had the determination in his eyes, Kakashi," There was a small but amused smile on Gai's face, "Shikamaru had the determination that night. I reckoned that you realized as well, and that you tried to get me so wasted I would not realize it too. I see now that I made a small miscalculation. Though you _did_ try to keep me from being able to see what was right in front of me: You two. Obviously in love. _Both_ of you. But when it comes to the heart, my friend – and don't get me wrong, I do not intend to be mean here – but when it comes to the heart, _you_ , Kakashi Hatake, are a coward. So Shikamaru had to take charge. And I am _certain_ that he did so that night." 

"Gai… Please…" He whispered, "This… It's a promise, Gai…" 

Cocking his head, he studied his friend's slumped frame, a curious look in his eyes, "Shikamaru made you promise to never tell anyone exactly when you got together?" A small, dejected nod was his answer, "When he turns seventeen, he is considered legally an adult, Kakashi." 

"I know…" His quiet tone was slightly whiney, as if the man _really_ didn't want to be reminded of the fact that 'seventeen' was still two years ahead. 

"And if no-one is allowed to know when you got together exactly… He did not plan to tell anyone, he intended to wait until he was seventeen. And he made _you_ promise never to divulge his _actual_ age at the time the relationship started. Are you _still_ going to try and tell me that Shikamaru was too upset to think that far ahead, my friend? He _planned_ this. _Never_ underestimate a Nara, _especially_ not a Nara in love," Chuckling, he took another swig of his beer, "I understand, though. He really _was_ only trying to protect you. He did not trust his best friend to keep his mouth shut, so he turned away from him. He spent time around Iruka so he could gage our young friend's reaction. He apparently decided that I was not to be trusted – most likely because he only really knows the loud and enthusiastic Maito Gai," For a moment, he sounded thoughtful, "The boy _did_ give me a rather curious look when I came over at your request…" 

Kakashi shivered, taking a long sip of his shochu, effectively emptying the glass, " _Please_ don't call him a boy, Gai…" 

"It hurts you, does it not? When people refer to his age?" Gai's tone was incredibly soft, leaning over a little so he could study his friend's reaction. 

"Gai… Please… It… Yeah, it hurts. I _know_ I'm in the wrong here, and… Well, you see, I was ready to _wait_ for him. Two years, ten years, didn't matter. I was willing to wait until this was… _Acceptable._ It would never be _respectable_ , but… I figured… Once he was legally an adult, Shikamaru would be fair game, you know?" His eye pleaded with Gai to understand, begged him to believe him, "Of course, that would also mean that… That I'd have to somehow fight off the competition, so… When he said he didn't want people to know he's gay yet… That made me happy. Because… Because there _would_ be competition, Gai. I realized that around the same time I realized I couldn't force my mind to only think about him as a friend anymore. There would be _others._ And…" The silver-haired man swallowed thickly, slumping down even further, "Is it really selfish of me that I wanted to be his first?" 

Forcing back a chuckle, Gai managed to keep his tone serious, "Not at all, my friend. It's called jealousy. Now, I know you are quite unfamiliar with the concept," He chuckled after all, "So allow me to explain. Jealousy is when someone _else_ has something – some _one_ in this case – that you want. And so –" 

" _Gai!_ " Whining at full force, Kakashi frowned at him, pouting, "Stop acting like a jerk, will you? I just told you something that's embarrassing as hell, and you go and try to explain the fucking concept of _jealousy_?! Seriously? I _know_ what jealousy is, Gai! I've been jealous of _you_ for most of my _life!_ " Panting a little, his eye widened, and he leaned back again, whispering, "I really just said that, didn't I?" 

For a few long moments, Gai could only stare. Eventually though, he leaned back again, taking a thoughtful sip of his beer, " _You_ are jealous of _me_? Kakashi," He snorted, "That makes _no_ sense!" 

"No? You're easygoing, you're _outgoing,_ you're determined _beyond_ belief…" Swallowing, he looked away, muttering, " _Hot_ …" 

Blinking, Gai pushed his pinky in his ear, attempting to clean it before asking, "Hot? Did you just…?" 

"Eh… Yeah…" Still not looking at him, Kakashi tried to explain, "You _are_ , I mean… Maybe not _conventional_ , but… Well, it's not like I ever cared about conventional _anything,_ so… But… Yeah… You're just… Big and… Broad, I guess. And…" Frowning, he looked up, pointing, "Body of a fucking _god,_ happy now?" Cheeks burning, Kakashi looked away again. 

A small smile tugged at the corners of Gai's mouth, "Kakashi, did you… Ever have a crush on me?" 

" _No!_ " A shocked stare was quickly turned away again and the silver-haired man crossed his arms in a defensive gesture, "I just… I know what I like, okay?" 

Gai chuckled, extending his hand to open the door to their privacy booth. He calmly waited a few seconds for his friend to pull his mask back up before opening the door and motioning the waiter, "Same thing?" 

"Yeah… Wait, no. Shikamaru's going to kill me if I get drunk, just… Tea, please," Pulling a face, Kakashi slumped down again. 

"No, if you want shochu, you're getting shochu. If he has issues with that, you're sleeping over at _my_ place tonight," Winking, Gai added in a whispered tone, eyebrows wiggling, "I sleep in only pajama bottoms, gives you a pretty good view of that godly body of mine." 

The waiter arrived, and Gai quickly placed their order before Kakashi could object, sliding the door shut once more, he immediately cut off his friend's words with his own, "So… Need me to help beef that boyfriend of yours up a little?" 

Whatever it was that he had _planned_ on saying completely dissipated from the copy ninja's mind as he could only stare at Gai. Mouth ajar, eyes wide – though one was luckily still covered by his hitai'ite. Gai chuckled, then laughed out loud. He was _still_ laughing when, a few minutes later, there was a polite knock on the door before it slid open. The waiter quickly placed their drinks on the table before excusing himself again, shooting the two men in the booth a few curious looks. 

" _Gai_ …" Frowning, he pulled the mask down again, "Stop it…" 

"I'm sorry, Kakashi," Forcing himself to calm down, Gai winked, "It is just so _easy_ to mess with you – _especially_ now. All these years I've been teasing you with potential girlfriends, and that never worked. Now I know why, and I can _finally_ get to you. And I have a couple years worth of teasing to catch up on, my friend," Beaming at Kakashi, he brought his beer to his lips. 

"So… I'm no longer 'hip' and 'cool'?" 

"Oh, you'll always be hip and cool, Kakashi. But now I finally get to mess with you! Allow me this small pleasure, will you?" Grinning, he put the glass back down. 

Kakashi pulled a face, taking a small sip, "What a drag…" 


	105. You want me to explain WHAT, now

AUTHORS NOTE: **I. Am. So. So. So. Friggin'. Sorry.** I did tell you that college was sucking the life outta me, right? I think I did… A couple author's note's and quite some months ago, that is.  
Aside from that… Well, life kinda turned me upside down and then made me spin in circles until I didn't know left from right or up from down and – it's still not really an excuse. I know it's not. Especially since I've had this chapter laying around for… well… a while… hehe. But then, I have no Beta. I do, however, have classes. And homework. And barely time to breathe. But I promise (again) to try and be a better author for you all, okay? And really… You oughtta know this by now but… REVIEWS people! Literally, that's what dragged me off my lazy ass today and made me upload this. The latest review. So yeah, there you have it. If you want more chapters, ya gotta remind me that you're still reading this – and show me that you enjoy it. Okay? Okay. It's a deal then. You tell me your thoughts on the chapter, and I'll give you my thoughts on the rest of the story – in chapters ;)

XOXOX  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
** XOXOX 

Chapter 105: You Want Me To Explain _What_ , Now? 

XOXOX

"Here it is, Milady," Sakura guided the older woman into the only teahouse in the entire village that sported proper privacy booths – each of them a little private room, almost completely soundproof. Shino had taken her here once, and after that they kept coming back to this place. Mostly just because of the atmosphere as usually all the privacy booths were occupied, but Sakura trusted that the _Hokage_ would be able to secure one without much trouble. 

Mere minutes later, Sakura smiled wide as she lowered herself on moss green leather – of course she'd been right.

XOXOX

After bidding his friend good-bye on one of the main streets of Konoha, Gai started heading home.  
 _So it is official. They are indeed a couple, even if they are still keeping it on the down low for the time being. It makes sense, as Kakashi put it, this relationship will never be deemed respectable, and for many, it will most likely not even be acceptable until Shikamaru turns seventeen. Maybe still not after that. I will not divulge their secret, though I_ _ **am**_ _glad that Shikamaru has found it in himself to include me as well. Wait a minute… My name was on both of their lists…? Does that mean that they are both listing the people they wish to tell, only actually telling the ones that are on_ _ **both**_ _lists? Kakashi is going to have some issues with that eventually… I am quite certain that his list was longer...  
_

"Hey, Maito!" Smiling, she linked her arm in his, "I thought you said you had plans today?" 

"I did, I went to see my best friend. It had been a while," Smiling back, Gai pulled her a little closer to his body. 

"Oh? How's our infamous copy ninja doin'?" 

Shaking his head a little at his girlfriend's grin, Gai chuckled, "Very well, apparently. We had a couple drinks, talked some," Smiling a little wider, he regarded the woman beside him with a warm look, "I told him about how amazing you are…" 

Sighing quietly, Anko's cheery mood seemed to dissipate, "Guys always need to brag… I shoulda known…" 

A confused frown spread over the taijutsu master's face, "I do not _brag_ , Darling. I simply told my best friend that I am happily involved with someone. And that to _me_ , that someone is absolutely amazing. He was happy for the both of us, and asked me to give you his regards. Such is the extend of that conversation, Anko…" 

"Oh…" The annoyance dissipated from her voice, and within seconds, Anko Miterashi was beaming up at her boyfriend once again, "So… Since you were wandering around all alone here… Does that mean you're free for dinner?" 

"Dinner? It is only…" Looking up at the sun, Gai chuckled, "What? Four o'clock?" 

"Yeah…" Rubbing at the back of her neck, Anko blushed a little, "I'm actually on my way to meet a couple of my own friends. Since you said you were busy today…" 

"You do not have to apologize, Anko. It is your day off, after all. You can spend it whichever way you see fit. I would love to have dinner with you though – but are you sure you do not want to go out with your friends?" 

Pulling a little face, the woman shook her head, "Nah, they have the night shift. So even if we _would_ go to dinner, it'd be no fun… I'd rather go out with _you_." 

Gai smiled, "Then it's decided. What time should I pick you up?" 

"Hmm… How about I pick _you_ up? Your apartment? I've never been there before…" 

Nodding, he agreed, "I could cook for you?" 

Once more, the younger woman beamed up at him, "I'd love that! Be there around seven?"

XOXOX 

"So… " Tsunade drawled out after the waiter had left, "My young student is growing up…" 

Sakura blushed even deeper than before, "Well… I'm fifteen, Milady…" 

The blonde chuckled a little, "I know, Sakura. But I guess I've just never really thought about it before…" 

The pinkette sighed.  
 _I probably would've been better off asking Shizune about this after all…  
_

XOXOX 

Kakashi sighed, ducking into the nearest restaurant – okay, apparently this was a teahouse. No matter, the copy ninja quickly made his way over to an empty table in the back.  
 _Damnit… Of all the people I could've come across… All I wanted was to get that juice that Cuteness loves so much, and go straight home after. I never even considered the_ _ **possibility**_ _of running into her. Whatever, I´m pretty sure she didn't see me. I´m just going to stay here for a little while until she´s out of sight. Maybe have some tea while I´m here…  
_ He sighed again, moving to sit down on moss green pillows. 

" _Kakashi Hatake!"_ Yoshino Nara stood, hands on her hips, in the doorway, shouting his name through the crowded teahouse. He froze, watching in horror as the woman walked over to him.  
 _Fuck! Where's Shikamaru when you need him?! I'm not ready to face her! I don't want to do this alone, in some overcrowded public place, with dozens of people listening in! Damnit!  
_  
She'd reached him now, reaching out her hand to grab his sleeve, "I need to talk to you." 

XOXOX 

"Milady… I honestly think this is embarrassing enough without you making it worse right now…" 

Tsunade cocked her head to the side, "Why?" 

" _Because!"_ Blinking, Sakura realized she'd just _yelled_ at the women, and even though the blonde didn't seem at all fazed by this, she apologized before continuing in a much softer tone, "Because it's like… _really_ personal, and… I know Shino wouldn't like me talking to anyone about it, but… I don't want to be useless, you know? So… But this is still embarrassing…" 

"Sakura," Tsunade leaned over to look the girl in the eyes, "You're _not_ useless. If anything," She chuckled lightly, leaning back again, "You're using your feminine wile to woo the poor boy and sent him off to paradise!" 

Sakura curled into herself a little, cheeks burning. 

"Aw, come on, I'm just teasing you a little…" 

Looking up with pleading eyes she whispered, "Please don't, Milady… I just… I came to you because I hoped that you could talk to me seriously about this, but if you can't, I'd rather just go borrow a book from the library or something…" 

Feeling sorry for the girl and a little ashamed of her own relentless teasing, the older woman straightened her back a little, "I'm sorry, Sakura. I really didn't mean to make this harder on you. I'll try to be serious from now on, okay?" Watching her student nod, she continued, "The thing is, it's a little different with every guy, and I honestly don't really have that much experience…" 

Sakura didn't look up, blowing on her hot tea, "But… You're a medical ninja, right? So you should… I dunno, shouldn't you _know_ about this stuff?" 

"The technical aspect of it, yes. I also used to be know pretty well how to get Don off, but that's so _long_ ago, Sakura… " 

"I see…" Defeated, she took a small sip, only to choke on it as a woman's voice rang through the entire teahouse. 

" _Kakashi Hatake!"_

Tsunade forgot all about Sakura's troubles for a few moments, sliding open the door of their little booth just enough to peek outside. Sakura had managed to catch her breath now and leaned over to see as well. 

The man was frozen in place, standing but a few feet away. And Yoshino Nara was quickly closing in.  
Tsunade's eyes widened, and she muttered, "Oh boy… This is going to end badly for him…" 

"What does she want with Kakashi-sensei, anyway?" 

Tsunade hesitated for a second, "Not a clue, Sakura, but Yoshino looks pretty pissed, and she's not the kind of woman that would just back off… Besides," Another slight hesitation, "I happen to know that Kakashi hasn't been feeling too well, lately…" 

"I know," She whispered back in the same hushed tone, "He's been having some difficulties, right? That's why he's off active duty?" 

"Yes…" Tsunade replied weakly, frowning in sympathy as the woman on the other side of the door grabbed hold of the jounin's sleeve, "I need to talk to you." 

The man visibly gulped, and it was clear to Tsunade that he was unable to speak right now. Trembling in fear, he just stared at the woman before him. 

"Sakura, would you mind if –" 

"By all means, help him!" Wide-eyed and concerned she studied her sensei trough the small crack. 

Tsunade wasted no time, pushing the door open further, she called out, "Kakashi, I'm in here! You're _late!_ Oh, I'm sorry, Yoshino… I didn't see you there." 

He blinked at her, stuttering, "I-I'm la-late?" 

She gave him a light frown, "You _always_ are…" Turning back to the Nara, she cocked her head, "Was there something important you have to discuss with him right now? Because I've been waiting for the guy to show up for almost an hour, and it's kind of urgent. You understand, right? He _is_ my top jounin, after all…" She let the words hang in the air between them, leaving it up to the other woman to determine _exactly_ what she'd meant. 

Yoshino's lips curled down a little and she let go of the jounin's sleeve, "No, nothing _pressing,_ Lady Hokage… I'll just…" She sighed, "I'll leave him to you, Lady Tsunade," Turning on her heels, she left. 

Kakashi turned to his blonde savior, failing to notice his former student in the back of the booth, "Thank you, Tsunade," He said softly, "I guess I…" The silver-haired man swallowed, "I froze…" 

"Yes, you did. It's okay, Kakashi. I would've freaked too if she'd called me out like that. But I'm actually kind of glad you're here…" She added thoughtfully, "Maybe you could help us out with something…" 

He blinked, still not seeing Sakura sitting behind the blonde. The girl's eyes were wide, and she started to quietly shake her head, unable to voice her trepidation. 

"Come Kakashi, sit," She beckoned him, and almost without thinking, the silver-haired man complied. She pushed the door open even further, allowing him to enter, chuckling as his eye widened at the sight of Sakura. 

He girl was blushing bright, though she'd stopped shaking her head by now, her gaze lingering on her tea as she fiddled with a strand of pink hair. 

Kakashi was surprised to find Sakura here, wondering what Tsunade could possible want from him. But he shrugged, entering the little booth and closing the door behind him. The couch in the booth was L-shaped, with Tsunade sitting on the short end, so he flopped down beside the girl, regarding her curiously for a moment, "Alright… What do you need, Tsunade?" 

" _I_ don't actually need you to do _anything_. And this is all a little spur of the moment – mostly I just wanted to get you away from Yoshino's wrath, I've heard some stories from Shikaku and, _well…_ In any case, it's actually Sakura who has a question, but I'm not sure if she'll dare ask it," She cocked her head to the side, softly smiling at the blushing girl. 

The man followed her gaze, studying the girl once more, "Sakura?" He asked gently. 

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei…" 

"Sorry for what?" He raised his eyebrows, "Didn't we already have this conversation?" 

She looked up at him, a weak smile on her face. As her eyes lingered on his surprised expression for a moment, her smile widened until she chuckled. 

"Sakura?" He was coaxing now, and Tsunade closed her eyes for a brief second.  
 _Thank god Shizune isn't here, she'd_ _ **faint**_ _!  
_

"Sakura, you know you can tell me anything, right?" 

"Yes…" 

"And I don't judge people so easily, you know that, too." 

"Yes, sensei…" 

He cocked his head to the side, "You can ask your sensei anything, Sakura. And if I can, I'll do everything to help you." 

She smiled at him, despite feeling so insecure she felt like screaming, "I know, Kakashi-sensei, but… It's just…" Biting her lip, she looked away. Just as she opened her mouth again, a small knock sounded on the wooden door. 

"Service. We would like to ask if everything lives up to your standards, and also if the latest arrival would like to order something?" 

Kakashi sighed, slumping back into the backrest as he continued to study the form of his former student. Tsunade spoke up in his stead, "Another cup of Hojicha, please. And…" She briefly glanced over the menu, "The assorted Okaki, please." 

"Very well, Milady." 

Footsteps distanced themselves again, and Tsunade smiled at Kakashi, "You don't do sweet things, do you?" 

"No, never liked it," He smiled back at her, his eye-crinkling smile that – ever since she'd seen it without the mask hiding half of it – always made her go a little weak in the knees.  
 _Shikamaru is one lucky fellow…  
_

"Tsunade, that's my favorite tea… How'd you know?" 

She chuckled, " _Really_ , Kakashi? It's all you seem to have – Hojicha and Chamomile…" 

"That's not true… I have Genmaicha too, and Sencha… A couple of herbal teas… And recently, apparently a couple of fruity flavors have been added…" He looked a little thoughtful at that last statement and she almost burst out laughing.

 _So… Shikamaru got tired of green tea and herbal infusions, huh?_ _ **Fruity**_ _flavors, though…  
_ "Kakashi, am I going to have to point out a dirty joke to you _again?"_

"No," His eye crinkled again, "I got it…" 

Suddenly, Sakura chuckled, "Fruity flavors? Are you _serious_ , Kakashi-sensei?" 

"Hmmm? I believe I am, Sakura," He beamed at her, "Shikamaru seems to like them…" 

She'd just taken a sip, coughing as the implications hit her, "Kakashi-sensei!" 

"What?" He looked so damned innocent, and Sakura could feel herself getting annoyed with the man – not like that was the first time, or anything. 

"That's just – just _rude!_ He's entitled to his own choices, isn't he?!" 

Another knock on the door sounded, and they halted the conversation until the waiter had retreated again, but the moment he did, Kakashi chuckled, "He's free to choose his own tea, definitely. I don't see why not…" 

Sakura sighed, opening her mouth to tell the man off but he interrupted her, "As for the _dirty_ part of the comment; I'd rather he didn't. I'm kind of a jealous boyfriend, so…" He let the words hang in the air, waiting calmly until the girl had processed them. 

"Kakashi-sensei…" She spoke slowly, softly, "Are you telling me that you and Shikamaru are… _Together_?" 

"Are you ever going to tell me that you and Shino are too?" He shot back. 

"I… Eh… Well… But wait! That's not… I mean… _You're_ …" 

"Older, I know. He doesn't seem to care though, so why should you?" 

Sakura frowned lightly, "Shikamaru doesn't care?" 

"Not in the slightest…" 

"But… _You_ do, don't you, sensei?" 

"Ah… Sakura, why do you have to be so perceptive all the time?" He slumped down a little further, his hand busying itself with pushing his teacup back and forth, "By the way… He's fine with you and Shino knowing, we sort of thought you'd most likely figured it out already. Although I probably should have realized the two of you have been a little… _Distracted_ , lately, but… Please don't go spreading the word just yet, okay? We'll get to that, but…" 

She looked up at the man, cocking her head ever so slightly, "Kakashi-sensei… Do Shikamaru's parents know yet?" 

He sighed, "You really _are_ the brightest kunoichi of your year, aren't you? Shikaku knows, we're currently working on a way to tell Yoshino without the woman strangling me…" 

"So her following you in here…" 

"He's been staying at my place, mostly because I needed someone around – haven't been feeling too well lately, you know about that. But I guess… It's only normal for her to want her son back by now, don't you think?" He chuckled humorlessly, "Not that Shikamaru feels very inclined to go home right now, but… Oh well," He suddenly sat up, looking the girl straight in the eyes, "Now that you've sufficiently psycho-analyzed me, how about you tell me what Shino did to upset you so much?" 

XOXOX

Yoshino stomped through Konoha's streets.  
 _I'm going to get to the bottom of this. One way or the other I_ _ **am**_ _going to get to the bottom of this!  
That guy… He's basically holding my son __**captive**_ _! No… He's not… Shikamaru_ _ **wants**_ _to be there… He'd rather be with_ _ **him**_ _than spent just a little time with his own family… He's my son, he's only fifteen…_

 __Yoshino sighed.  
 _I miss him so much…_

XOXOX 

Sakura blinked, "He… He didn't upset me, Kakashi-sensei… And it's not like he did anything _to_ me…" 

A small frown appeared on the silver-haired man's face, "Sakura… If he hurt you…" His tone held a warning, a terrible one. 

"But he didn't! He honestly didn't!" 

"He _better_ not have…" He looked away from her, picking up his tea as he muttered, "I'd fucking _kill_ him…" 

Sakura gulped, staring blindly at the table as she heard the man beside her calmly pull down the mask, take a sip and pull the mask back up before setting his cup back down. Tsunade just chuckled, "Aren't you being a _little_ overprotective, Kakashi?" 

He threw her an annoyed look, "No. Anyone that even so much as _touches_ my students is dead." 

"Eh…" Sakura held up one hand, "I, eh… _Kissed_ him, though…" 

He looked at her, his strict expression slowly softening into something that closely resembled amusement, "He any good?" 

"Kakashi-sensei!" 

"What? I can't be curious?" 

"No… You can be curious, you're just not allowed to _voice_ that curiosity…" 

"Ah… Alright, got it. Now, what's up?" 

"He… Eh… I mean…" Suddenly she smirked, looking him straight in the eye, "Well, I suppose _you'd_ know all about it." 

"Huh?" 

Tsunade chuckled again, "That's why I asked him to join us in the first place, Sakura… Are you _just now_ starting to get it?" 

Sakura flushed, "No… I got it…" 

"I don't… _What_ do I know all about? I hardly _know_ the guy…" 

But Sakura seemed unable to answer him, swallowing hard, she looked at him helplessly, before turning her gaze to Tsunade. The older woman felt a little sorry for her, after all, Kakashi wasn't just an older guy, not just a walking, breathing _mystery_ – He was also her sensei.  
"Kakashi, she's talking about him getting all hot and bothered around her – you know?" She winked, taking one of the Okaki and popping it in her mouth. 

His eyebrows shot up, and Sakura wished she could just die right here and now, this was _so_ embarrassing. But as Kakashi spoke, a light chuckle in his voice, somehow her nerves went down a little, "Well, I _personally_ wouldn't know much about getting 'all hot and bothered' about _any_ woman, nor do I know much about Shino Aburame… Although, if _anyone_ could set that boy on fire, it would most definitely be Sakura…" He gave her a gentle nudge, accompanied by a soft smile, "You've grown into a beautiful young woman, Sakura. Sometimes I can't even believe my eyes…" 

She blushed at the compliment, "Oh, _please_ … Stop the flattery act, Kakashi-sensei…" 

Mock hurt laced his voice, "What? Just because I don't get all ' _hot and bothered'_ over you doesn't necessarily mean I'm _blind_ , you know…" He gave her one of his eye-crinkling smiles, "Besides, I'm pretty sure Shikamaru would get jealous – have you ever _seen_ a Nara get jealous? It's terrifying… " 

She chuckled along with him and Tsunade, but didn't reply, causing him to use his coaxing tone once more, "Alright, Sakura… Now I know the _situation,_ but I still can't see the _problem_ … Won't you trust your old sensei one more time?" 

She smiled softly at the man, before turning her face away again, her tone soft, voice strained a little as she explained, "It sort of bothers him… That when I get too close he, eh…" 

"Gets hard," He offered, smiling under his mask. 

"Yeah… I guess… And, I mean… It's sort of my fault, right? So, I thought… Eh, that I might be able to… Eh…" She swallowed, unable to push the words past her lips. 

He stayed quiet for a little while, taking another thoughtful sip of his tea. When the mask was back on his face, he turned back to the two women, a questioning look in his grey eye, "Are we talking full-on fucking here? Because if _that's_ the case, I'm out. Besides, I've always thought that was more of an issue for the girl, anyway… But if you're talking about getting him off without stripping down… Well, let's just say I _do_ have some experience with that…" He bit his lip to keep from laughing out loud as the girl´s ears – that was all he could really see – turned red, "Eh, Sakura…"He let out a silent chuckle, "You okay?"

"I'm _fine_ ," She huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Then, softly, "But… Yeah… That last one…" 

Kakashi took a steadying breath, sharing an amused look with Tsunade, "Why not ask the legendary medical ninja? I'm sure Tsunade here knows a hell of a lot more about the male body than I do…" 

The blonde chuckled at him, " _Technically_ , yes. But as far as _sensations_ go… I'm not really much better off than Sakura here…" 

"Really? Now that's… _Interesting_ …" The copy ninja chuckled again, "Very well, I will enlighten you ladies… On _one_ condition…" He held up one finger and both woman found their gaze drawn toward the pale digit, "No-one, and I mean _no-one_ , hears about this. It's bad enough I got to deal with you two, I do _not_ want every girl in Konoha to start chasing me asking for advice on how to please their man, that would be _bad_ …" He chuckled, "There'd be absolutely _no_ use coming out if after all that they'd _still_ be chasing me…" 

"Kakashi… Do you really believe that I would _ever_ admit to getting advice from a _pervert_?!" Tsunade stared at him, feigning disbelief before laughing out loud. 

"Tsunade, that _hurts,_ you know…" He pouted, "Anyway, Sakura?" He turned to the girl. 

"I wouldn't Kakashi-sensei… First of all, it would be too embarrassing to admit I got advice from _anyone_ , and secondly… Well, Lady Tsunade already made that one clear…" She didn't look up at him, but he could still see the smirk on the girl's face. 

"Good to know, but that _wasn't_ actually what I was about to ask you…" The man tapped his chin thoughtfully, waiting for the girl to look at him, when she finally did, he could feel his face move into a dirty grin, his vision going black for a moment as his eye crinkled, "What I _wanted_ to ask you, Sakura, was this; Hands or mouth?" He tried to contain his laughter as the girl turned bright-red, shoving him away from her. 

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura was exasperated, this man wasn't just a pervert, he was – he was – _Devil incarnate!_ "How _dare_ you!" 

"Oh, I dare a lot of things, little girl," He grinned wickedly, "But really, if you can't even handle an honest, innocent question like _that_ …" 

"There was nothing innocent _about_ it!" 

"So you agree it was an _honest_ question, at least?" But Kakashi held back the moment he caught sight of her face, the girl looked about ready to cry. He softened his tone, a light smile on his face and in his voice, "I really didn't mean to embarrass you so much, Sakura. It's just a little… _Irresistible_ sometimes – you make such a perfect target. But I'll stop now, I promise," He held up both hands, signaling defeat, his tone even softer as he continued, "The question still stands, though. I _could_ explain both, but it might be easier if I actually know what kind of advice you're really _looking_ for…" 

"I guess… I'm not putting my mouth there… That's just _gross!_ " 

He chuckled a little, "Let's just agree to disagree on that one… So, have you ever actually _touched_ him there?" 

Bright red, she nodded slightly, whispering, "Once." 

Kakashi nodded, thinking for a moment, "Did it feel hard at the time? Could you _feel_ it?" 

She nodded again, cheeks burning brighter still. He looked over at Tsunade for a moment, but the woman seemed content just to listen, so he continued his careful prodding, "Did you feel his cock, or did you pull back before you actually got the lay of the land?" 

"A little…" She conceded, her voice barely audible. 

"Right… Do I need to start with the anatomy lesson, or did Tsunade handle that part already?" 

"I- I know _that_ much…" 

He sighed, "Thank god…" 

Tsunade snickered, "Don't you mean, 'Thank Tsunade'? You're welcome, Kakashi…" 

He shot her a mock scowl, but immediately turned serious again, sighing once more, "Sakura… I kind of got to ask this, or there'd be no point to _any_ of this… Why did you pull back that time?" 

Her voice was muffled as she lay her arms on the table and hid her face in them, "I didn't… _He_ pulled away – Gave me his 'I'm a gentleman' crap again…" 

"Ah… Sorry to say this then, but it getting him off might prove a bit… _Difficult…_ " 

"Why?" Still shielding her face from view, the girl bit her lip nervously. 

"Isn't obvious, Sakura?" He sighed, "Shino doesn't _want_ you to touch him…" And a lot quieter, he continued, "Probably doesn't know what he's missing… Wouldn't be so stuck up if he'd actually gotten _off_ at least once in his life… Stupid Aburame with their beloved stick up their ass… Worse than the fucking _Hyuga,_ I tell ya…" 

"Eh, Kakashi?" Tsunade chuckled, "Speaking from experience?" 

"Hmmm?" He looked confused for a moment, "Ah, I said that out loud, didn't I? My bad, forget it," He took a steadying breath, regarding the pinkette once more, "Sakura… Why do you want to so bad?" 

She looked up, staring straight ahead at the wooden door, "Who says I want to…?" 

Kakashi chuckled, "Oh, come _on_ , this isn't _just_ about Shino's slight discomfort. I'm pretty sure that at least half the time you don't even _notice_ … So this is about you _wanting_ to touch him, and that's fine by me, really. But then, _why_ are you being so damned _awkward_ about it?" 

She looked at him, stared at him actually, exasperation clear on her face, "Are you joking again, Kakashi-sensei?" 

"No…?" 

"Right… In that case…" She untangled her arms, and – moving swiftly, smacked him on the back of his head, "You're an _idiot!"_

"Ouch! _Sakuraaaa…_.." Rubbing his now sore head, he pouted, "What was _that_ for?" 

"Because you don't get it! Because you're turning this whole thing into one big, perverted _joke_!" 

He blinked, "No I'm not. I swear I'm not. I don't even know what you're _talking_ about right now…" 

The blonde chuckled a little, cutting in with a question for the silver-haired man, "Kakashi, weren't even _you_ a little apprehensive your first time?" 

He considered the question for a brief moment, "I guess… But I didn't actually _care_ about him or anything, so that probably made the whole thing a lot easier… I get your point, though… Fine, Sakura, here's what you do…" 

XOXOX 

After saying goodbye to his girlfriend, Gai turned into a street that would serve him as a shortcut to his favorite store.  
 _I will cook for her tonight. Last time we went out to dinner, we spoke about favorite foods, so I know what to get. I have to admit that's a little comforting. Let's see… I'll need to get peaches for the cobbler, do I still have flour? I think I do… Maybe I should get some to be sure though. Hmm… Oyakodon sounds good for the main course – is that one butcher still open? I think he used to close early on Fridays, didn't he?  
_

The man was so entranced in his own thoughts, that he did not notice the boy until he'd all but run into him. A little embarrassed, he apologized. 

As he frowned a little in confusion over the older man's flustered appearance, the young Aburame shook his head, "There is no need to apologize, Gai-sensei. _I'm_ the one who was standing in the middle of the street…" Thinking for only a second, he added, "I am actually looking for someone. Have you seen Sakura perchance?" 

A sly smile appeared on the man's face and he bent at the waste to whisper into Shino's ear – only Gai wasn't _whispering_ per se, his voice loud as always with only a mock hushed tone present, "Do you mean to say you have lost your girlfriend, Shino?" 

He could feel his cheeks heat up, retreating deeper into his hoodie as the people around the pair stopped to see what the commotion was about, "I have not. We did not have plans today. I was merely hoping to run into her here as she told me yesterday that she needed to buy a few things." 

Grinning, Gai straightened his back, "Well, I have not seen her. I will tell her you were looking if I see her though," Giving the young man his signature thumbs up, Gai winked. 

"I would rather you did not," Shino muttered, swallowing, "As I said, we did not make plans for today…" 

Immediately turning serious, Gai gently guided the young man to a quiet alley, leaning against the wall he kept his voice low, "You do not want to come off as a needy boyfriend?" 

Dipping his head a little, Shino's tone was equally soft, "Correct." 

"I assure you, you do not." 

He frowned, looking up at the man, "How would you know?" 

Chuckling lightly, Gai pushed off the wall, "Because if you _were,_ Sakura would have hit you by now. You should not worry so much my young friend. It will all sort itself out in the end," Waving a little goodbye, he left the alley, leaving the young Aburame to his own thoughts.

XOXOX

"Like, firmly?" 

Kakashi paled, " _No!_ Absolutely _not_ , Sakura! Don't you know your own strength?! I've seen you smash right through solid _rock!_ " He took a deep breath, " _Gently,_ Sakura, _gently_! Don't go breaking the poor boy… Good god…." His eye wide, he stared off into nothingness for a few moments, "Do you have _any_ idea how _sensitive_ a cock is…? Try comparing it to your own parts, I'm sure _you_ wouldn't like to be man-handled either…" 

"Probably not…" Sakura smiled a little naughtily, "What would _you_ know about it, though?" 

He swallowed, "Close to nothing, but… _Seriously_ girl… You're just way too _strong_ …" He blinked a couple times, trying to get the mental image out of his head. 

"Okay, so… Gently grab hold…" 

He closed his eye slowly, swallowing hard.  
 _This was_ _ **not**_ _how I'd envisioned my day going… Iruka, I think I finally understand why you've become so_ _ **scared**_ _of the girl…  
_


End file.
